Newhart (1982–1990): Season 3, Episode 1 - Tell a Lie, Get a Check - full transcript

- WELL, HERE WE ARE.
- YEAH.

AFTER TWO WEEKS OF STAYING
IN ONE HOTEL AFTER ANOTHER...

IT'S REALLY GREAT
TO BE BACK HOME...

IN OUR INN. [LAUGHS]

HI! I THOUGHT I HEARD
YOUR CAR PULL UP.

- BOY, IS IT GREAT
TO SEE YOU GUYS!
- OH, GEORGE!

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU!

UH, I JUST GOT YOUR POSTCARD OF

THE EIFFEL TOWER TODAY.

IT REALLY LOOKS GREAT,
BUT, UH, ISN'T IT SUPPOSED

TO BE LEANING?



- NO. NO, GEORGE.
- WELL...

I GUESS THEY FIXED IT.

SO, HOW-HOW HAVE
THINGS BEEN HERE?

OH, YOU KNOW... SAME AS USUAL.

NOTHING EVER
CHANGES AROUND HERE.

LAST WEEK, I WAS TELLING
MY FRIEND, DUTCH...

DID I KNOW DUTCH
BEFORE YOU LEFT?

UM... DUTCH?

NO, I GUESS I DIDN'T, BUT
YOU'VE GOT TO MEET HIM.

HE'S THE FUNNIEST
GUY IN VERMONT.

AND I'M NOT THE ONLY
ONE WHO SAYS SO.

YOU SHOULD HAVE
SEEN HIM AT THE PARTY.

- THE PARTY?
- OH, YEAH.

YOU MISSED THAT TOO.
WELL, IT WAS SOME WILD PARTY.



AND DUTCH WAS THE LIFE OF IT.

HE WAS DOING THIS ONE THING
TO EVERYBODY AT THE PARTY.

- OH, LOOK AT THAT.
- WHAT?

[ROLLS TONGUE]

THAT'S WHAT HE WAS DOING!

BOY, THIS INN WAS
ROCKING WITH LAUGHTER.

- THE PARTY WAS HERE?
- YEAH!

AND IT WAS A DOOZY!

WHO-WHO GAVE THE PARTY, GEORGE?

WELL, I GUESS,
IN A WAY, YOU DID.

NO-NO, WE DIDN'T.
WE-WE WERE IN EUROPE.

WELL, YEAH, BUT KIRK SAID

IF YOU'D BEEN HERE,
YOU WOULD'VE WANTED

TO GIVE HIM AND CINDY
A GOING AWAY PARTY.

KIRK AND CINDY ARE GONE?

[INHALES] YOU KNOW,
NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT,

THINGS DID CHANGE.

DICK! JOANNA! YOU'RE BACK!

- OH, HI!
- HELLO,
MR. WORLD TRAVELER.

AND MRS. W.T.

- HOW WAS GAY PARIS?
- WHO-WHO CARES?

ALL I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IS-IS
WHAT HAPPENED WITH KIRK AND CINDY.

- WELL, THEY WENT TO NEW YORK...
- CINDY GOT THIS GREAT JOB...

ALL RIGHT. HOLD-HOLD...
HOLD IT... HOLD IT!

YOU. WH-WHERE'D THEY GO?

- EUROPE.
- WHY?

- UM... UM...
- YOU.

CINDY GOT A JOB AS
A CLOWN IN A CIRCUS.

THEY REALLY MOVED
AWAY. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

OH, BY THE WAY,
SPEAKING OF MOVING,

THAT'S WHAT I SHOULD BE.

TELEVISION PRODUCER HAS
TO BE UP BY MID-MORNING.

OH, BY THE WAY, DICK,
I THINK I CAN GET YOU

THAT DRESSING ROOM YOU WANTED.

I DIDN'T ASK FOR A DRESSING
ROOM. I ASKED FOR AN OFFICE.

ISN'T THAT WHAT I SAID?

STEPHANIE, NIGHT NIGHT.

LOVE YOU, BYE.

GOD, WE MAKE A CUTE COUPLE.

GEE, I'M KIND OF HURT
THAT KIRK AND CINDY LEFT

WITHOUT EVEN SAYING GOOD-BYE.

OH, HE SAID GOOD-BYE.

HE STOOD RIGHT THERE
ON THE LANDING AND SAID...

GEORGE, WE WEREN'T
HERE. WE WERE IN EUROPE.

BUT THEY LEFT YOU A NOTE.

"DEAR DICK AND JOANNA,

"WE'RE SO SORRY
TO RUSH OFF LIKE THIS

"WITHOUT SEEING YOU.

"YOU WERE THE
FIRST FRIENDS WE HAD.

"THE FIRST AND BEST.

"WE WANT YOU TO KNOW
HOW MUCH WE WILL MISS YOU.

THANKS FOR
EVERYTHING. LOVE, CINDY."

THAT'S A LOVELY GOOD-BYE NOTE.

AND THERE'S A P.S. FOR
YOU, ON THE BACK, DICK.

"DICK, NO TIME TO SELL THE CAFE.

"YOU DO IT. MUST HAVE 18 THOU.

ASK A HUNDRED. KIRK."

ONE LOVELY GOOD-BYE
NOTE AFTER ANOTHER.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU NOTICED,
BUT THE REFRIGERATOR

- DOESN'T WORK.
- YEAH, I DID.

[SIGHS] AND THE, UH...

THREE BURNERS ON THE
STOVE DON'T WORK, BUT, UH,

I THINK THEY CAN BE FIXED.
I'LL-I'LL ASK MY HANDYMAN.

HE'S UP, CHECKING THE
ATTIC. UH... UH, GEORGE?

- YEAH?
- CAN-CAN THOSE BURNERS
ON THE STOVE BE FIXED?

NO.

WELL, APPARENTLY I WAS WRONG.

DON'T NEED TO TELL
ME ALL THIS, YOU KNOW.

- I DON'T?
- NO.

BARN BLEW DOWN.

JUST LOOKIN' FOR A
PLACE TO STORE MY HAY.

WELL, I'M SURE YOUR
HAY WILL BE HAPPY HERE.

SO, DO-DO WE HAVE A DEAL?

WELL, TO BE HONEST WITH YOU,

I WAS LOOKIN' FOR
SOMETHING A BIT NICER.

THANKS, ANYHOW.

UH, TO-TO STORE HAY,
ALL... ALL YOU NEED

IS A ROOF TO KEEP THE RAIN OFF.

UH... ROOF IS SHOT, DICK.

HAVE... HAVE A NICE DAY.

WELL, GUESS I'LL ADD
THE ROOF TO THE LIST.

JUST SAW MR. HINTON LEAVING.
I GUESS HE WASN'T RACING

- FOR HIS CHECKBOOK.
- WELL...

THE ONLY THING ANYONE'S RACED
FOR THIS WHOLE STUPID WEEK

HAS BEEN THE DOOR. I MEAN,

IT'S-IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
KIRK IS FINALLY

HALF A WORLD AWAY,
AND I CAN'T EVEN ENJOY IT.

WE-WE'RE NEVER GOING
TO SELL THIS PLACE.

OH, HONEY, DON'T GIVE UP HOPE.

NOW, THAT MR. DARLING
FROM NEW YORK IS COMING BY

IN A LITTLE WHILE,
AND MAYBE HE'LL BUY IT.

[CLATTERING AND RUMBLING]

UH, CHIMNEY PROBLEMS, DICK.

OH, DICK, WHAT IF
WE CAN'T SELL IT?

WELL, IT'LL JUST
SIT HERE AND DECAY.

AND IF ANYONE ASKS,
"WHERE'S THE STRATFORD INN,"

PEOPLE WILL SAY,
"YOU CAN'T MISS IT.

IT'S NEXT TO THAT PILE OF ROT."

HI, DICK, JOANNA. STEPHANIE
TOLD ME YOU'D BE HERE.

AND I WAS RIGHT. GIVE ME A KISS.

STEPHANIE, YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE WATCHING THE INN.

I CAN SEE IT FROM HERE.

STEPHANIE.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

YOU'RE SO PRETTY WHEN YOU POUT.

REALLY?

DICK, I HOPE YOU CAN TEAR
YOURSELF AWAY AND COME DOWN

TO THE STATION. WE'VE GOT
MR. DRESSING ROOM READY FOR YOU.

I THOUGHT IT WAS MR. OFFICE.

WELL, TO TELL YOU THE
TRUTH, LAST TIME I LOOKED,

IT WAS MR. UTILITY
ROOM. [CHUCKLES]

BUT COME ON DOWN,
TAKE A LOOK AT IT.

AND WE CAN SHOOT THAT
PROMO AT THE SAME TIME.

- PROMO?
- YEAH, THAT'S A COMMERCIAL
FOR A T.V. SHOW.

SOMETHING TO SAY
TO JOHN Q. PUBLIC,

"HEY, I'M HERE. LOVE ME."

I-I KNOW WHAT A
PROMO IS. I-I DIDN'T KNOW

- WE WERE DOING ONE.
- YEAH, TODAY.

ONLY IF THAT'S
GOOD FOR YOU, DICK.

- WELL, IT'S NOT.
- OUCH.

I, SORT OF, BOOKED THE HALL,
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

HIRED THE CREW, CAMERAS...

LIGHTS, ENGINEERS...

MAKE UP, WARDROBE,
TRANSPORTATION, CATERING...

[INHALES] THAT'S WHY
TODAY WOULD'VE BEEN

PERFECT.

WELL, THE ONLY THING YOU
FORGOT TO BOOK WAS ME,

AND I CAN'T LEAVE. I HAVE A MAN
WHO'S GONNA LOOK AT THE CAFE.

WELL, DICK, YOU'VE BEEN
PLAYING AROUND WITH THIS CAFE

FOR A WEEK NOW. WHEN ARE YOU
GONNA GET BACK THE REAL WORLD?

WE'VE GOT A
TELEVISION SHOW TO DO.

AS SOON AS I SELL IT.

WELL, THEN SELL IT.
WH-WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

HERE'S THE PROBLEM.

END OF PROBLEM.

MICHAEL, TEARING UP THAT LIST
DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT

THREE BURNERS ON
THE STOVE DON'T WORK.

WRONG ATTITUDE, GUYS. YOU
DON'T HAVE THREE BURNERS

THAT DON'T WORK, YOU HAVE
ONE BURNER THAT DOES WORK.

WHAT ABOUT A REFRIGERATOR
THAT DOESN'T GET COLD?

THEN IT'S FROST-FREE.

AT WORST, IT'S AN AIRTIGHT
CLOSET WITH A LIGHT THAT GOES ON

WHEN YOU OPEN IT.

NO, IT DOESN'T.

WHEN YOU SELL SOMETHING,
I THINK THE LAW OF THE LAND

IS "BUYER BEWARE."
IT MIGHT EVEN BE

IN THE CONSTITUTION.

- NO, IT ISN'T.
- THEN IT'S AN AMENDMENT.

WE'RE NOT GONNA
LIE TO THESE PEOPLE.

DID I LIE, WHEN I SAID
ONE BURNER WORKED?

DON'T SAY THE
GLASS IS HALF EMPTY.

SAY IT'S FULL.

MICHAEL, I'M NOT GONNA
DO BUSINESS THAT WAY.

WELL, IT'S UP TO YOU, DICK.
YOU CAN EITHER DO IT MY WAY

OR SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
NEXT DOOR TO A WEED-INFESTED,

RATS' NEST OF AN EYESORE.

[KNOCKS] EXCUSE ME?

I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT
TO SEE THIS CAFE.

OH, RIGHT. YOU'RE,
UH... YOU'RE DARLING.

DICK, MASSAGE HIM.
DON'T SEDUCE HIM.

- HIS NAME IS DARLING.
- REALLY? WHAT IS IT?

DARLING. CLAUDE DARLING.

OH, I'M UP TO SPEED NOW, DICK.

HI, I'M, UH... I'M DICK LOUDON.

AND THIS IS MY WIFE, JOANNA.
AND THIS IS MICHAEL HARRIS.

WELL, IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

BOY! BOY! THIS
PLACE ISN'T BAD, HUH?

IT ISN'T?

[QUIETLY] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

UH, THE KITCHEN IS OVER HERE.

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR
A PLACE TO OPEN UP A RESTAURANT,

BUT THIS IS THE FIRST PLACE
I'VE SEEN THAT'S FULLY EQUIPPED.

YEAH, IT'S GOT A
STOVE AND EVERYTHING.

YEAH, TH-THERE'S SOMETHING
I SHOULD TELL YOU ABOUT

THE STOVE. UH,
NOT-NOT ALL BURNERS...

[CLEARS THROAT]

ARE-ARE... ARE EXACTLY THE SAME.

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS, UM...

ONE IS OUTSTANDING.

HONEY... STOP IT!

WHAT ARE ALL THESE
BRICKS ON THE FLOOR?

THEY'RE, UM... F...
FOR THE CHIMNEY.

THEY'RE, UH,
INCLUDED IN THE PRICE.

UH, DICK, UH... OH, HI.

DICK, I GOT RID OF
THAT CLOG IN THE VENT.

OH. VERY GOOD,
GEORGE. WHAT WAS IT?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT WHEN
I WOKE IT UP, IT RAN OFF.

GREAT. GREAT. SO
THE VENT'S CLEAR.

WE WERE WORRIED ABOUT THAT.

UH, YOU... YOU'RE ASKING, UM...

- 18 THOUSAND, HMM?
- UH, YES.

WOW. WHAT A BUY. WHAT
ARE YOU RUNNING? A CHARITY?

MR. DARLING, I THINK IT'S
ONLY FAIR TO TELL YOU,

THE REASON THE COST IS SO LOW IS
THAT THE PLACE NEEDS SOME WORK.

OH, I EXPECT TO SPEND A
FEW DOLLARS ON REPAIRS.

IF YOU'RE NOT PREPARED
TO BREAK A FEW EGGS,

YOU SHOULDN'T BE IN THE KITCHEN.

CUTE PHRASE. [CHUCKLES]

DARLING BY NAME,
DARLING BY NATURE.

LET'S SAVE SOME TIME.
UM, WE BOTH KNOW

HOW THESE THINGS
WORK. NOW, LOOK, YOU...

YOU WANNA SHOW
ME THE GOOD THINGS,

AND, UH, I'M GONNA
LOOK FOR THE BAD.

BUT I KNOW WHAT I
LIKE WHEN I SEE IT.

WOULD YOU ACCEPT, UM... 17.5?

- WELL, UM...
- ALL RIGHT. BUT WE'RE NOT
THROWING IN THE BRICKS.

WELL, YOU CAN'T
BLAME ME FOR TRYING.

18 IT IS.

UH, M-MR. DARLING,
ARE-ARE YOU REALLY SURE...

HE'S SURE. JOANNA,
TAKE HIS CHECK.

DICK, LET'S MAKE A PROMO.

WELL, DOES THIS
SCREAM PROMO TO YOU,

THE WAY IT DOES TO ME?

NO, IT SCREAMS, "WHY
IS THERE SAND HERE?"

WELL, THE THEME OF THE
PIECE IS "SUMMER'S OVER."

WHAT HAS SAND GOT
TO DO WITH VERMONT?

WH-WHERE'D YOU EVEN
FIND SAND IN VERMONT?

WE DIDN'T. THAT'S KITTY LITTER.

ONLY WE'LL KNOW.

MI-MICHAEL, WH-WHAT ARE
YOU TRYING TO MAKE HERE?

ONE OF THOSE TACKY
BEACH CROWD COMMERCIALS,

WITH-WITH GIRLS IN BIKINIS?

WELL, OBVIOUSLY, YOU HAVE
NO OPINION OF ME AT ALL.

HI, MICHAEL. YOU WANTED
TO CHECK WARDROBE?

UH, NOT JUST NOW, JUDY.

OH. WELL.

I'LL BE BACKSTAGE.

[QUIETLY] YOU ARE
HAVING GIRLS IN BIKINIS!

NO, NO, DICK. ONE
GIRL. ONE BIKINI.

LOOK, YOU'RE THE
STAR OF THE SHOW.

DO YOU THINK, FOR AN INSTANT,
ANYONE IS GONNA LOOK AT HER,

WHILE-WHILE YOU'RE TALKING?

- I'M NOT DOING IT.
- DICK...

- WHY DON'T WE DISCUSS THIS
IN PRIVATE SOMEPLACE?
- WHERE? CABANA?

[LAUGHS] [MOCKS LAUGHTER]

WELL, DICK, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK IT'S A STUPID PROMO.

[CHUCKLING] NO, I MEAN,

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF
YOUR NEW DRESSING ROOM?

OH. I-I ASKED FOR AN OFFICE.

I THINK THE PROMO'S
GOING TO WORK.

WELL, I DON'T, BECAUSE
I'M NOT GOING TO BE IN IT.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT CHANGED?
- I WANT THE GIRL OUT.

NO, I WAS TALKING
ABOUT THE ROOM.

SPEAK UP. YOU'VE GOT TO
GIVE ME SOMETHING TO GO ON.

- I-I HATE THE COLOR.
- THAT WE CAN'T CHANGE.

- THEN-THEN LEAVE IT ALONE.
- THE PROMO?

THE ROOM!

DICK, DICK, YOU'RE
TALKING IN CIRCLES.

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE IT A TRY?

JUST FOR TODAY.

WH-WHICH ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THE ROOM OR THE PROMO?

WELL, I-I WAS TALKING
ABOUT THE ROOM...

BUT IF YOU'RE SAYING YOU'LL
GIVE THE PROMO A TRY...

THE ROOM IS FINE. THE PROMO
IS OUT. I DO HAVE PRINCIPLES.

DICK? DICK, I'M SORRY
TO BURST IN LIKE THIS,

BUT I JUST SPOKE
WITH MR. DARLING,

AND I FEEL SO GUILTY.

WH-WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THAT POOR MAN HAS NO IDEA
WHAT HE'S GOTTEN HIMSELF INTO.

THAT 18 THOUSAND IS ALL HE HAD.

THERE'S NO WAY HE CAN
AFFORD TO FIX UP THE PLACE.

[SIGHS] WE LIED TO HIM, DICK.

WE CHEATED HIM. WE SWINDLED HIM

OUT OF HIS LIFE SAVINGS.

IN OTHER WORDS, YOU
BEHAVED LIKE PEOPLE

WITH VERY FEW PRINCIPLES.

NO PRINCIPLES.

NONE WHATSOEVER.

DICK, ABOUT THE PROMO...

AND DO YOU KNOW WHY
MR. DARLING BOUGHT THE CAFE?

WHY?

BECAUSE HIS WIFE JUST
RECENTLY PASSED AWAY.

HE CAME HERE TO
START A NEW LIFE.

IN OTHER WORDS, WE...
SWINDLED A WIDOWER.

OH, GOD.

A WIDOWER? THAT'S ROUGH.

I'M TRYING LIKE THE DEVIL
TO THINK OF SOMEONE

I CAN FIX HIM UP WITH.

DICK, WE HAVE TO TELL
THAT MAN THE TRUTH.

YOU'RE RIGHT.
LET'S GO. ALL RIGHT.

GOOD-BYE, DARLING. HELLO, ROT.

W-WAIT... WAIT, WAIT. DICK,
YOU ALREADY TOLD THE TRUTH,

REMEMBER? UH, THE OUTSTANDING
BURNER, TH-TH-THE BRICKS

FOR THE CHIMNEY,
UH, "BUYER BEWARE..."

MR. DARLING?

MR. DARLING?

OH, NO. HE'S ALREADY
STARTED PAINTING A SIGN.

HE'S NAMING THE
PLACE AFTER HIS WIFE.

HIS WIFE'S NAME WAS "PO?"

NO, POLLY! OBVIOUSLY, HE
HASN'T FINISHED THE SIGN.

HI, NEIGHBORS!

HEY, WHAT DO YOU
THINK OF THE SIGN?

OH, IT-IT'LL BE GREAT
WHEN IT'S FINISHED.

IT IS FINISHED.

MY WIFE'S NAME WAS POLLY,

BUT, UH, I USED TO CALL HER...

I, UH... I USED TO CALL HER...

PO.

UH, MR. DARLING, THERE'S A...
THERE'S A REASON WE'RE HERE.

OH, WE'RE NEIGHBORS
NOW. PLEASE...

CALL ME CLAUDE.

[DRAMATICALLY] CLAUDE...

UH, TH-THE REASON WE'RE HERE

IS-IS WE CAN'T GO THROUGH
WITH SELLING YOU THE CAFE.

WHAT? WHY NOT?

UH, BECAUSE THERE'S SOME
THINGS ABOUT THE CAFE, WE...

WE DIDN'T TELL YOU... CLAUDE.

LIKE-LIKE WHAT?

WELL, CLAUDE...

LIKE THE FACT THAT SOME OF
THE-THE APPLIANCES DON'T WORK.

IN-IN FACT, MOST OF THE
APPLIANCES DON'T WORK.

OH, I ALWAYS EXPECTED
TO SPEND A FEW DOLLARS...

MOST OF THE
APPLIANCES DON'T WORK?

RIGHT.

WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU
TELL ME THAT BEFORE?

BECAUSE WE'RE
SWINDLERS, THAT'S WHY!

HONEY, WE'RE...
WE'RE NOT SWINDLERS.

BELIEVE ME, YOU'RE OUR...
YOU'RE OUR FIRST SWINDLE...

CLAUDE.

THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS
WRONG WITH THIS PLACE.

- TELL HIM, DICK.
- THE-THE ROOF IS BAD,

THE WIRING IS BAD...

NOT AS BAD AS THE PLUMBING.

FACE IT, WE'RE BAD.

TH-THE POINT IS WE DECEIVED YOU

AND-AND WE'RE SORRY,
AND-AND WE'D REALLY FELL BETTER

IF... IF WE JUST CALL
THE WHOLE THING OFF.

HERE'S... HERE'S
YOUR CHECK BACK.

WAIT A MINUTE. MM-HMM.

YOU'VE GOT A BETTER
OFFER, HAVEN'T YOU?

NO, UH, TRUST US.

WE-WE LIED TO YOU.

WHAT IS IT? SOMEBODY
WANTS TO BUILD A MALL?

- NO!
- A THEME PARK?

NO, REALLY! WE'RE JUST DIRT!

NO-NOBODY WANTS
TO BUILD ANYTHING.

WELL, THEN WHY ARE YOU TRYING
TO CHEAT ME OUT OF MY CAFE?

WE AREN'T.

- CLAUDE...
- DON'T CALL ME THAT.

ONLY MY FRIENDS CALL ME CLAUDE.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU CALL ME DARLING.

WELL, WE'RE... WE'RE
SORRY FOR WHAT...

WHAT HAPPENED HERE... DARLING.

BUT WE JUST DON'T
WANT YOU THINK THAT...

THAT WE'RE THE KIND
OF PEOPLE WHO WOULD...

WOULD SELL SOMETHING,
BUT BY MISREPRESENTING IT.

PLEASE, TAKE... TAKE YOUR CHECK.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. I'M
NOT GIVING THIS PLACE UP

FOR A LOUSY 18 THOUSAND.

BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU PAID FOR IT.

YEAH, BUT IF YOU GUYS ARE
GETTING A BETTER OFFER,

I WANT A PIECE OF IT.

I'LL TAKE 18.5.

WE'RE NOT GETTING
A BETTER OFFER.

THEN I'M KEEPING THE CAFE.

BUT YOU CAN'T KEEP THE
CAFE. IF YOU KEEP THE CAFE,

- WE'RE...
- GARBAGE.

THEN GIVE ME THE 18.5.

DICK, GIVE HIM THE 18.5.

ALL RIGHT. 18.5. [SIGHS]

19.

CLAUDE!

18.5 AND THAT'S MY FINAL OFFER.

OKAY. BUT I'M TAKING THE BRICKS.

FINE. HERE'S YOUR
CHECK. 18 THOUSAND.

AND I'LL GIVE YOU OUR
CHECK FOR FIVE HUNDRED.

I'LL NEED TWO PIECES OF I.D.

I DIDN'T ASK YOU FOR I.D.!

YOU WEREN'T DEALING
WITH GARBAGE.

THAT'S TRUE.

HERE.

IS THIS YOUR RIGHT
ADDRESS AND PHONE NUMBER?

- CLAUDE!
- OKAY.

NOW, I'M GOING TO TAKE
THIS DOWN TO THE BANK

BEFORE IT CLOSES
AND GET IT CASHED.

I'LL BE BACK FOR MY BRICKS.

AND BY THE WAY...

I KNOW HOW MANY THERE ARE.

OH, WELL, I FEEL
BETTER. HOW ABOUT YOU?

YEAH... YEAH, MUCH BETTER.
I'VE BEEN MEANING TO CLEAN OUT

THAT BANK ACCOUNT FOR MONTHS.

DO YOU THINK WE'LL BE ABLE TO
SELL THE CAFE TO SOMEBODY ELSE?

HONEY, OF COURSE WE'LL SELL
IT. YOU AND I ARE DECENT PEOPLE.

WE'LL SELL IT IF IT TAKES
EVERY CENT WE GOT.

MICHAEL, THERE'S SOMETHING
I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT

- IN THE PROMO SCRIPT.
- CAN IT WAIT, DICK?

NO, IT CAN'T.

IT-IT'S ABOUT THE PEOPLE
YOU HAVE ME SAYING ARE

- GONNA BE GUESTS THIS SEASON.
- OH, WHAT'S THE QUESTION?

ARE THEY GONNA BE
GUESTS THIS SEASON?

WELL, WHO IN PARTICULAR?

TOM SELLECK?

WE'RE CLOSE, DICK. IT'S
BETWEEN US AND A MOVIE.

THROW IT OUT.

THE POPE?

THERE IS SOME DISPUTE
OVER WHETHER HIS HOLINESS

WILL PAY HIS OWN AIRFARE.

OUT.

I'M NOT GONNA SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT AMELIA EARHART.

- WELL, IT...
- MICHAEL, AFTER WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH

THE LAST COUPLE DAYS, I
DON'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING

THAT ISN'T ABSOLUTELY HONEST.

WELL, DICK, WHAT
DO YOU WANT TO SAY?

UH..."SUMMER'S OVER" IS OKAY.

SO IS THE PART ABOUT HAVING

VARIOUS KINDS OF GUESTS.

AND I DON'T MIND SAYING WE'RE ON
SUNDAY AFTERNOON. AND THAT'S IT.

OKAY, FAIR ENOUGH. I MEAN,
YOUR PROMO, YOUR WAY.

I'LL JUST GO TO MAKE UP, HAVE THEM
DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT SHINY NOSE.

[MAN OVER INTERCOM]
MICHAEL, WE'RE READY.

DICK, YOU CAN'T LEAVE NOW!
WE'RE-WE'RE SHOOTING, MOMENTITO.

YOU SAID MY NOSE WAS SHINY.

KEEP IT! I LIKE IT!

IT'LL ONLY TAKE A SECOND.

NO TIME, DICK. WE'RE GOING LIVE.

- LIVE?
- YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE
TO TAPE IT YESTERDAY.

[OVER INTERCOM] IN
FIVE, FOUR, THREE...

- MICHAEL!
- CUE DICK!

♪♪ [SOFT PIANO INSTRUMENTAL]

HI.

I'M-I'M DICK LOUDON.

SUMMER'S OVER AND FALL IS
HERE. AND THAT MEANS, I'LL BE BACK

WITH VERMONT TODAY.

THE SHOW THAT
CELEBRATES VERMONT, TODAY.

I'LL BE TALKING
WITH ENTERTAINERS...

SPORTS FIGURES...

POLITICAL FIGURES...

AND A FEW MYSTERY GUESTS.

SO, MAKE A DATE,
SUNDAY AFTERNOONS

WITH ME, DICK LOUDON...
FOR VERMONT TODAY.

WHERE WE ALWAYS GIVE YOU...

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.

[OVER INTERCOM] AND WE'RE CLEAR.

GOOD, GOOD.

GOOD. GOOD FOR ME,
DICK. WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU?

THE CUE CARDS
SEEMED A LITTLE SLOW.

OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
WE MADE A TAPE.

WE'LL-WE'LL TIGHTEN
IT UP IN EDITING.

BUT YOU-YOU THOUGHT IT WAS OKAY?

EVERYTHING YOU
SAID IT SHOULD BE.

AND THEN SOME.

MR. LOUDON, THERE'S A CALL
FOR YOU. YOU CAN TAKE IT

- RIGHT OVER THERE.
- OH, UH... UH, THANKS.

- HELLO?
- OH, HONEY. I'M SORRY
TO BOTHER YOU AT WORK,

BUT A REAL ESTATE
AGENT JUST CALLED.

SHE SAYS SHE HAS SOMEBODY
WHO WANTS TO BUY THE CAFE,

YOU'RE KIDDING.

DO, UH... DO THEY KNOW
ABOUT THE PROBLEMS?

YES, AND SHE SAYS
THEY DON'T CARE.

IN FACT, THEY'RE OVER
NOW TO SIGN THE PAPERS.

HONEY, THAT'S INCREDIBLE.

YOU, UH... YOU WANT
TO GO DANCING TONIGHT?

NOT REALLY.

OH. UH, EVEN
BETTER, I'LL STOP BY

AND UH, GET A BOTTLE OF
CHAMPAGNE ON MY WAY HOME.

GREAT! I'LL SEE YOU SOON.

BYE!

WELL, DICK'S ECSTATIC.

HOW'S MICHAEL?

I DIDN'T ASK ABOUT MICHAEL.

GEE, JOANNA. SELF, SELF, SELF.

EXCUSE ME, MRS. LOUDON?

- YES?
- BETTY REED WITH
B.R. REALTY.

OH, YES. DID YOU
BRING YOUR CLIENTS?

HI.

I'M LARRY. THIS IS
MY BROTHER, DARRYL.

AND THIS IS MY OTHER
BROTHER, DARRYL.

YOU'RE THE BUYERS?

HI, NEIGHBOR.

GET DOWN, DICK. BOY,
YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD.

WHY SHOULDN'T I BE? I
GOT THE PROMO I WANTED,

AND WE FINALLY SOLD THE CAFE.

THINGS ARE FINALLY GOING MY WAY.

MEOW.