Newhart (1982–1990): Season 3, Episode 2 - Twenty Year Itch - full transcript

[TRUMPET PLAYING]

MORNING, DICK.

GEORGE.

SOUNDS LIKE MR. BENNETT
IS PRACTICING AGAIN.

YEAH. HE... HE PLAYED
TILL 2:00 THIS MORNING,

AND HE'S STARTING UP AGAIN AT...

7:15.

RIGHT.

LOOK AT THIS.

I'M TRYING.

IT'S HER EYE, DICK.



IT WAS AN EYE.

NOW IT'S JUST A BUNCH
OF LINES AND A BAG.

THAT MAN IS KEEPING
EVERYBODY AWAKE.

NOT ME.

I CAN'T HEAR HIM AT ALL
OUT OVER THE GARAGE.

YOU KNOW, JOANNA SLEPT FINE TOO.

I WATCHED HER.

DICK, WHEN ARE YOU GONNA
MAKE MR. BENNETT STOP?

LOOK, I PROMISED HIM
HE COULD PRACTICE HERE

AS LONG AS WE HAD
NO OTHER GUESTS.

HE'S GONNA BE LEAVING
IN A COUPLE DAYS,

AND... AND I JUST
CAN'T TELL HIM TO STOP.

[TRUMPET PLAYING]

BUT I WILL.



GOD, ISN'T LIFE WONDERFUL

WHEN YOU'RE DOING WHAT
YOU WERE BORN TO DO?

THANK YOU.

MR... MR. BENNETT?

YEAH?

WH... WHAT WOULD YOU
LIKE FOR BREAKFAST?

DICK.

JUST A CUP OF COFFEE.

I WANNA GET RIGHT BACK
TO MY ROOM TO PRACTICE.

OH, REALLY. DICK?

UH, MR. BENNETT, COULD...

COULD I ASK YOU A FAVOR?

ANYTHING YOU WANT.

YOU'RE HELPING MY
DREAM COME TRUE.

WITHOUT YOU, I WOULDN'T
HAVE A PRAYER AT THAT AUDITION.

RIGHT.

COULD... COULD... COULD
YOU PLEASE NOT PLAY

YOUR TRUMPET ANYMORE?

WHAT?

IN... IN YOUR ROOM.

IT'S... IT'S THE
ACOUSTICS. UM...

MAYBE YOU'D BE BETTER
OFF PRACTICING IN, UH...

SWITZERLAND.

THE BASEMENT.

HEY. GREAT IDEA.

I BET CHERRY PINK AND
APPLE BLOSSOM WHITE

WILL SOUND GREAT DOWN THERE.

HE'S BEEN PLAYING CHERRY
PINK AND APPLE BLOSSOM WHITE?

I THOUGHT IT WAS THE
THEME FROM SHAFT.

[TRUMPET PLAYING]

GOOD MORNING.

SAYS WHO?

IT'S JOANNA, DICK.

HONEY, I WAS JUST THINKING
ABOUT THE FUNNIEST THING.

DO YOU REMEMBER JONATHAN HILL?

IS THAT THE JONATHAN
YOU WERE DATING

RIGHT BEFORE YOU MET ME
AND FORGOT RIGHT AFTER?

YES.

WHAT ABOUT HIM?

I KNOW YOU'LL APPRECIATE THIS.

I KINDA HAVE A DATE WITH HIM.

YOU MADE A DATE WITH
A GUY WHO'S NOT DICK?

MOST... MOST PEOPLE CUT DOWN
ON THAT AFTER THEY'RE MARRIED.

WELL, I SHOULDN'T
EVEN CALL IT A DATE.

WE JUST DECIDED 20 YEARS AGO,

THAT NO MATTER
WHERE WE WERE LIVING,

OR WHAT WE WERE DOING,

WE'D MEET AT THE
SKY ROOM IN NEW YORK

AT 8:00 P.M. THIS FRIDAY.

WOW. THAT'S REALLY ROMANTIC.

NO. IT'S REALLY RIDICULOUS.

WELL, DICK, IT'S NOT LIKE
I'M THINKING ABOUT GOING.

THAT WOULD BE SILLY.

YEAH.

JONATHAN PROBABLY
WON'T EVEN REMEMBER.

OF COURSE HE WON'T.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"OF COURSE HE WON'T?"

YOU DON'T KNOW THE KIND
OF RELATIONSHIP WE HAD.

SURE I DO.

WHAT... WHAT KIND OF
RELATIONSHIP DID YOU HAVE?

CASUAL.

DON'T YOU THINK IF HE WERE
GONNA SHOW UP HE... HE'D CALL?

I WOULD.

OH, I WOULDN'T.

IT'S MUCH MORE ROMANTIC
JUST TO SHOW UP.

DON'T YOU HAVE EGGS TO FRY?

HONEY, HOW COULD JONATHAN CALL?

LAST TIME I SAW HIM, I
WAS STILL IN SCHOOL,

AND HE WAS ON HIS WAY TO
KENYA WITH THE PEACE CORPS.

HE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE I LIVE,

AND I'M NOT JOANNA
McKENNA ANYMORE.

I'M JOANNA LOUDON.

SO, LET'S KEEP IT THAT WAY.

HONEY, I'M NOT GOING.

OH, PHOOEY.

I HAVE A WHOLE NEW LIFE,

AND I'M SURE JONATHAN DOES TOO.

WE WERE CRAZY TO
MAKE A DATE LIKE THIS.

CRAZY AND WILD, AND... CASUAL.

COME ON, STEPHANIE.

I'LL HELP YOU WITH
THE BREAKFAST.

DICK, I THINK YOU SHOULD
HAVE A TALK WITH JOANNA.

WHY IS THAT, GEORGE?

I DON'T THINK SHE KNOWS
WHAT "CASUAL" MEANS.

[TRUMPET PLAYING]

[TRUMPET PLAYING]

OKAY, STEPHANIE. I... STEPHANIE?

STEPHANIE. OH.

I FOUND MY YEARBOOK.

OH, GOOD.

MAYBE IT'LL HELP KEEP
MY MIND OFF THAT RACKET.

[SIGHS]

CAREFUL. YOU'LL
WRINKLE JONATHAN.

OH. SORRY.

[LAUGHS]

ALTHOUGH IT MIGHT
GIVE YOU SOME IDEA

OF WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE TODAY.

OH, HI.

OKAY IF I MAKE MYSELF
A QUICK SANDWICH?

OH, SURE. HELP YOURSELF.

THANK YOU.

ISN'T TRUE YOU'RE NOT
SUPPOSED TO PLAY A TRUMPET

FOR AN HOUR AFTER YOU'VE EATEN?

NO.

WELL, AT LEAST WE
WON'T HAVE TO LISTEN

TO THAT STUPID SONG FOR A WHILE.

[HUMMING]

COME ON. LET'S HAVE
A LOOK AT JONATHAN.

[SIGHS] OKAY.

JONATHAN HILL.

THIS MUST BE EXCITING FOR YOU.

STEPHANIE, YOU'RE THE ONE

WHO WANTED TO SEE HIM. NOT ME.

PAGE 72.

HILL. HILL...

WELL, YOU HAVE TO GO.

OH, STEPHANIE, IT WAS
JUST A COLLEGE ROMANCE.

IT WAS NOTHING COMPARED
TO WHAT I HAVE WITH DICK.

BUT BOY, DOES THIS TAKE ME BACK.

YOU KNOW, JONATHAN
USED TO WRITE POETRY.

AND HE COULD PLAY THE GUITAR,

AND OH, HE HAD SUCH
A BEAUTIFUL VOICE.

WOW.

ALL THAT AND A
DIMPLE IN HIS CHIN.

OH, JOANNA. DON'T YOU
WANNA SEE HIM AGAIN?

IN COLOR?

OH, WHO KNOWS IF
HE'LL EVEN SHOW UP?

WHAT IF HE DOES AND YOU DON'T?

HOW CAN YOU BREAK A
20-YEAR PROMISE TO THAT CHIN?

HI.

I'M LARRY. THIS IS
MY BROTHER, DARRYL,

AND THIS IS MY OTHER
BROTHER DARRYL.

I KNOW, LARRY.

DO YOU THINK WE COULD SPEAK
TO THE MAN OF THE HOUSE?

DICK?

MISS STEPHANIE...

MAY I SAY YOUR EYES ARE THE
MOST GLORIOUS SHADE OF PINK?

HI, GUYS. WHAT...
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

WELL, FOR TWO DAYS
AND NIGHTS NOW,

WE'VE BEEN HEARIN' THE SOUND

OF AN ANIMAL IN DISTRESS
COMIN' FROM THIS...

COMIN' FROM THIS INN.

THAT KINDA THING JUST
TEARS DARRYL UP INSIDE.

SO, WE CAME OVER TO
SEE WHAT WE COULD DO

TO EASE ITS MISERY.

DARRYL BRUNG A ROCK.

IT'S NOT AN ANIMAL.
IT'S... IT'S A MAN...

PLAYING THE TRUMPET BADLY.

WELL, IT DID SEEM STRANGE
THAT A WOUNDED CRITTER

WOULD SCREECH OUT CHERRY
PINK AND APPLE BLOSSOM WHITE.

THEY TEND TO PICK ONE
SOUND AND STICK WITH IT UNTIL...

FELLAS. FELLAS.

THANKS FOR... FOR
OFFERING TO HELP, BUT, UH...

THERE'S NO WOUNDED CRITTER,
AND WHAT... WHAT WE DO HAVE

IS LEAVING TOMORROW.

OKAY. IF IT'S JUST
ONE MORE NIGHT.

I GUESS WE CAN USE THIS
TO HELP DARRYL SLEEP.

[HUMMING]

WELL, I KNOW WHAT
I'M GOING TO DO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, STEPHANIE?

HIDING HIS TRUMPET.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

YOU CAN'T HIDE A
TRUMPET IN THERE.

IT WON'T FIT. OVER HERE.

DICK. OH, COME ON.

[JOANNA] STOP IT.
STOP IT. COME ON.

OH, HI, MR. BENNETT,

FROM THE KITCHEN
WITH A SANDWICH.

WELL, I HAVE TO
GO UPSTAIRS AND...

WASH THE BEDS.

HI.

WH... WHAT ARE YOU
DOING WITH MY TRUMPET?

OH. UM... JO... UH,
JOANNA ASKED ME HOW...

HOW TALL THIS... THIS CHAIR WAS,

AND I SAID I THOUGHT
IT WAS ABOUT...

ONE AND A HALF TRUMPETS TALL.

AND, UH, DARN...
DARNED IF I WASN'T RIGHT.

REALLY?

SAME HEIGHT AS MY SON.

DO YOU NEED TO
MEASURE ANYTHING ELSE?

UH, NO.

WHAT... WHAT'S... WHAT'S THIS?

OH, IT'S JUST MY
COLLEGE YEARBOOK.

OH.

THIS WOULD BE THE ONE THAT, UH,

THAT JONATHAN'S IN.

IT'S ON PAGE
SEVENTY... SOMETHING.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I'D SAY, UH, 20 YEARS AGO,

HE WAS NOT UN-GOOD-LOOKING...

FOR A GUY WITH AN
OVERSIZED DIMPLE IN HIS CHIN.

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST
SAY HE'S HANDSOME?

HONEY, WHAT WOMEN
THINK IS HANDSOME,

AND WHAT MEN THINK IS HANDSOME

IS WORLDS APART. UH... GEORGE?

DO YOU... DO YOU THINK
THIS GUY IS GOOD-LOOKING?

WELL, HE'S OKAY.

YOU SEE?

BUT WOW.

LOOK AT THAT JONATHAN HILL GUY.

HE'S A DREAMBOAT.

JONATHAN HILL? SAY,
ISN'T HE THE... YEAH.

WELL, HE'S OKAY.

WELL, IF ALL THE REVIEWS ARE IN,

I'LL JUST PUT THIS AWAY.

DICK, UH, DON'T YOU THINK
THIS MIGHT BE GETTING

JUST A TOUCH OUT OF HAND?

WHAT... WHAT IS, GEORGE?

THIS JONATHAN STUFF.

JONATHAN THIS. JONATHAN THAT.

GEORGE, WHAT ARE
YOU WORRIED ABOUT?

SHE ALREADY SAID
SHE ISN'T GONNA GO.

YEAH, BUT SHE
KEEPS ON SAYING IT.

FIRST THING YOU KNOW,
SHE'LL BE SAYING IT

LONG DISTANCE FROM NEW YORK.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK WITH HER.

GEORGE... MARRIAGE
IS LIKE PORCUPINES.

PORCUPINES NEED TO GET CLOSE
TO EACH OTHER FOR WARMTH.

BUT IF THEY GET TOO CLOSE,
THEY... THEY SPEAR EACH OTHER.

NOW, IF I FLAT OUT TOLD JOANNA
SHE COULDN'T GO TO NEW YORK,

THEN I'D BE LIKE A PORCUPINE

WHO PULLS HIS MATE
TOO CLOSE, AND...

FILLS HER SO FULL OF HOLES

YOU COULD USE HER
TO DRAIN SPAGHETTI.

[LAUGHS]

M... MAKES HER UNCOMFORTABLE.

BUT MY PORCUPINE KNOWS
SHE'S FREE TO GO AND...

THAT'S WHY SHE'S STAYING HERE.

WHAT ARE YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT?

UH, PORCUPINES.

YEAH. AND MARRIAGE,
AND SPEARING EACH OTHER.

YEAH, I... I WAS JUST... I
WAS JUST TELLING GEORGE

THAT, YOU KNOW, WE LOVE
AND TRUST EACH OTHER, AND...

AND THAT'S WHY, UH...
I GIVE YOU LEEWAY.

YOU MEAN LIKE IF I HAD
WANTED TO GO TO NEW YORK?

YEAH. THAT... THAT
KIND OF THING.

DICK, SUPPOSE I
HAD WANTED TO GO.

WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE SAID?

I WOULD HAVE SAID, "GIVE
MY REGARDS TO BROADWAY."

OF COURSE, I WOULD'VE
WANTED YOU TO COME WITH ME,

AND MEET JONATHAN.

NO. WOULD...
WOULDN'T HEAR OF IT.

I... I WOULD'VE INSISTED
THAT YOU GO ALONE.

[SIGHS]

YOU REALLY ARE THE
MOST WONDERFUL HUSBAND

A WOMAN COULD EVER WANT.

MM. [KISS]

MM.

DICK, IF YOU REALLY
FEEL THAT WAY,

I WILL GO TO NEW YORK.

I'M GOING WITH YOU.

HONEY, WHAT TIME IS IT?

IT'S, UH, 7:10.

WOULD, UH, WOULD IT BE EASIER

IF I CALLED THE TIME
OUT EVERY FIVE MINUTES?

SORRY.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THESE EARRINGS?

FINE.

BUT THEN IT, UH...

DOESN'T REALLY
COUNT WHAT I LIKE.

WHAT COUNTS IS
WHAT JOHN WOULD LIKE.

YOU'RE NOT BEING MUCH HELP.

WELL, IT'S HARD TO BE BOTH
TIMEKEEPER AND FASHION ADVISOR.

AND JEALOUS HUSBAND.

I'M NOT JEALOUS.

JUST HAVEN'T HAD MUCH EXPERIENCE

HELPING YOU GET
READY FOR A BIG DATE.

DICK, WHY DON'T YOU JUST
COME TO THE SKY ROOM WITH ME?

[LAUGHS] ARE YOU KIDDING?

AND BE BORED ALL NIGHT?

NO WAY.

NO, I GOT A GREAT EVENING
PLANNED FOR TONIGHT.

BE... BEYOND GREAT.

I'VE ORDERED A DELUXE
MEAL FROM ROOM SERVICE,

AND I'M MEETING
ELLIOTT AT THE THEATRE.

WE'RE SEEING CATS.

[JOANNA] OH, THAT'S NICE.

THEN, KNOWING ELLIOTT,

WE'LL PROBABLY HAVE
A NIGHTCAP AND, UM,

WHO KNOWS? MAYBE
DANCING TILL DAWN.

YEAH, JUST A COUPLE
OF HOUNDS ON THE PROWL

IN THE BIG APPLE.

[JOANNA] SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

HOW DO I LOOK?

WELL, I CAN PROBABLY
TELL BETTER WHEN I...

WIPE THE STEAM FROM MY GLASSES.

DICK, YOU'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE.

I WORE IT TO YOUR
PUBLISHER'S CHRISTMAS PARTY.

YEAH, I JUST DON'T
REMEMBER IT HAVING...

THAT MANY FRECKLES.

THEN YOU REMEMBER WRONG.

IS THAT THE PERFUME I GAVE
YOU FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY?

HONEY, IF HE SAYS I SMELL NICE,

I'LL TELL HIM THE PERFUME
WAS A GIFT FROM YOU.

YOU'RE GONNA LET HIM SMELL YOU?

OH, HONEY.

I LOVE YOU.

IF YOU DON'T WANT
ME TO GO, I WON'T GO.

NO. I... I WANT YOU TO GO.

THANKS.

I'D KISS YOU, BUT I DON'T
WANNA SMEAR MY LIPSTICK.

DICK AND JOANNA?

NEW YORK.

TRUMPET GUY?

CHECKED OUT.

GEORGE?

GONE FOR A WALK.

ALL RIGHT, THEN.
LET THE GAMES BEGIN.

OH, NO.

I GUESS IT'S WRITTEN
ALL OVER MY FACE.

I FLUNKED THE AUDITION.

OH. WELL.

THANKS FOR STOPPING
BY AND TELLING US.

I'LL BE SURE TO LET
EVERYBODY KNOW.

NO, NO, NO.

I'M TOO DEPRESSED TO DRIVE HOME.

OH, DON'T BE SILLY. JUST...

PLAY THE RADIO AND KEEP
THE WINDOWS ROLLED DOWN.

JUST DRIVE THOSE BLUES AWAY.

I'VE GOT TO FACE IT. I
WASN'T BORN TO TOOT.

CAN I HAVE MY ROOM BACK?

OH.

OKAY.

UH, BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW

THERE HAVE BEEN A FEW
SHAKEUPS SINCE YOU LEFT.

THERE'S A NEW RULE OF THE INN.

NO TRUMPET PLAYING. EVER.

FINE. FINE WITH ME. I...

I DON'T EVER WANNA
LOOK AT THIS THING AGAIN.

HA!

NICE TOSS.

WOULD YOU LIKE
ANOTHER PIÑA COLADA?

NO. NO, THANK YOU.

I'M NOT GONNA WAIT MUCH LONGER.

BY ANY CHANCE, HAS... NO, MA'AM.

NO ONE HAS ASKED
FOR JOANNA McKENNA.

I HAVE MY EYES PEELED.

WE ALL DO.

EXCUSE ME.

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR ME?

NO. ACTUALLY, I WAS
LOOKING FOR HER.

THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN
EVERY PLACE WE GO.

YOU'RE JUST BEING PARANOID.

I COULD'VE TOLD
YOU THAT WASN'T HIM.

COULD I HAVE MY CHECK, PLEASE?

SURE YOU DON'T WANNA GIVE
HIM ANOTHER TEN MINUTES?

I'VE ALREADY GIVEN HIM 20 YEARS.

CAN I HELP YOU?

UH, YES.

DO YOU HAVE A CUSTOMER
NAMED, UH, JOANNA LOUDON?

I... UM, I MEAN, UM, McKENNA?

DID YOU SAY "McKENNA?"

BERNARD.

NO. NO. YOU... YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND.

UM, I... I JUST WANTED TO...
TO KNOW IF SHE WAS HERE.

YES, SHE'S HERE.
SHE'S DYING TO SEE YOU.

IT'S HIM.

NO. YOU... YOU...
[CLEARS THROAT]

YOU... YOU... YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND.

SHE'S... SHE'S
WAITING FOR HER DATE.

I'M... I'M HER HUSBAND.

OH, DEAR. UH...

WE DON'T WANT ANY
TROUBLE HERE, SIR.

WELL, IT TOOK YOU LONG
ENOUGH. RIGHT OVER HERE.

I WAS... I WAS JUST
EXPLAINING TO HIM.

IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU GOT HERE.

FIRST, YOU RUN OFF
TO KENYA AND NOW THIS.

LOOK. I DON'T WANT
HER TO KNOW I'M HERE,

AND I'VE NEVER BEEN TO KENYA.

DICK?

I THOUGHT HIS NAME WAS JONATHAN.

NO, IT'S... IT'S DICK.

THIS ISN'T THE GUY?

NO.

WELL, IF JONATHAN SHOWS
UP, DO YOU STILL WANT...

I DON'T THINK WE HAVE TO WORRY

ABOUT JONATHAN
ANYMORE. THANK YOU.

HI. NICE... NICE DRESS.

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW ME?

COULDN'T YOU HAVE JUST
COME WHEN I INVITED YOU?

WELL, SURE. BUT THEN...

THEN I WOULDN'T
HAVE MET THE GUYS.

SO, UM... [CLEARS THROAT]

JONATHAN DIDN'T... DIDN'T COME?

WHY DID I THINK HE'D REMEMBER?

OBVIOUSLY, I MEANT
NOTHING TO HIM.

HE WOULDN'T HAVE
MADE THIS DATE IF...

IF YOU DIDN'T MEAN
SOMETHING TO HIM.

BUT HE DIDN'T KEEP IT?

MAYBE HE HAS AMNESIA.

MAY... UM, MAYBE HE'S...
HE'S STILL IN... IN KENYA,

AND HE'S MARRIED TO SOMEBODY WHO

ISN'T AS UNDERSTANDING
AS I AM ABOUT

THESE KIND OF THINGS.

I UNDERSTAND KENYAN
WOMEN ARE LIKE THAT.

NO. HE JUST FORGOT ME.

WELL, I... I KNOW HE
DIDN'T FORGET YOU.

BUT... MAY... MAYBE HE'S DEAD.

I NEVER SHOULD'VE COME HERE.

THESE LAST FEW DAYS
WERE SO EXCITING.

JUST THINKING ABOUT
THAT TIME IN MY LIFE

MADE ME FEEL LIKE
A COLLEGE KID AGAIN.

NOW, JONATHAN'S NOT HERE

AND I'VE AGED 20
YEARS IN AN HOUR.

THE... THE ONE I FEEL
SORRY FOR IS... IS JONATHAN.

TO GET ONE CHANCE IN 20
YEARS TO... TO SEE YOU AGAIN,

AND... AND HE... HE BLEW IT.

I MEAN, THE... THE SMART
ONE WAS THE... THE GUY WHO...

WHO SHOWED UP
TONIGHT. DICK LOUDON.

AH. COMPLIMENTARY
BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE...

FOR JOANNA McKENNA
AND JONATHAN HILL.

LOOK... [CLEARS THROAT]

FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT...

UH, COMPLIMENTARY?

OH, YES. YES.

ANY COUPLE WHO KEEPS
A DATE AFTER 20 YEARS

DESERVES ENCOURAGEMENT.

OPEN HER UP.

WELL, WHAT THE HECK?

I MEAN, WE'RE IN THE... THE
BEST NIGHTCLUB IN TOWN,

WE'RE IN THE... THE MOST
EXCITING CITY IN THE WORLD,

I'M WITH THE MOST TERRIFIC
WOMAN IN THE WORLD...

AND YOU'RE WITH A
DIMPLE-LESS WONDER.

[LAUGHS]

AH. NOW.

HERE YOU ARE.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

TO US.

I'D, UH...

I'D GIVE YOU A KISS,
BUT I DON'T WANT TO...

SMEAR YOUR LIPSTICK.

DAMN THE LIPSTICK.

[TRUMPET PLAYING]

MEOW.