Newhart (1982–1990): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Looks of Love - full transcript

Stephanie?

If you're not busy,
could you come in here for a minute?

Well, I was busy,
but that's okay.

What do you want?

I have something for you.

- What?
- Your first paycheck.

Oh, boy. Fantastic.

- Oh, your nails are still wet.
- Do you want me to open it for you?

No, no. That's okay.

$437.

Well. Guess it'll be good for me



to try to get by on
this every week.

Stephanie,
that's not a weekly check.

That's a monthly check.

$437 a month?

Well, that's after taxes.

And, of course,
we pay for your room

and all your meals,

so that $437 is
just free and clear

to do anything you want.

Yeah.

I'm just trying to think
what that could be.

- Joanna?
- Yes, George.

Did you order something
from a sporting goods store?

- Oh, great. Is it here?
- Yeah.



- What did you order?
- A surprise for Dick.

Oh, neat.

Here. I'll take this.

All right, just put it down over there,
will you?

And let me give you
something for your trouble.

Oh, that won't be necessary.

George, I meant this gentleman.

Did you want me to get Dick?

Would you? Oh,
I hope he likes it.

Yeah. Me, too.

Dick? Could you come
out here for a minute?

Here, let's stand in front of it

so he won't see it
when he first comes out.

Surprise!

Oh, wow.

Do you know what it is?

Most of a bike.

It's an exercise bike.

I saw it in the store,

and I thought it would
be perfect for your study.

You can use it when you
take a break from writing.

You don't like it, do you?

No, no. Sure I do.

It'll be perfect in the study.

Even if I'm not
exercising on it,

I'll still get a
lot of exercise...

trying to walk around it.

Hey, whose exercise bike?

Uh, mine.

Boy,
Marjorie and I had one of these.

We were going to
tone up and firm up.

And then, of course,
we broke up.

Get on it. See how it works.

- Yeah, honey. Come on.
- Okay.

Boy, oh, boy, that, uh...

it really gets the old blood flowing,
doesn't it?

I... I don't understand.

Why didn't you just
get a whole bike?

Well, you can only ride a bike

when the weather's nice.

You can ride this
24 hours a day,

365 days a year.

Isn't that great?

Ohh. What a great exercise bike.

- Yours?
- Yeah.

- You'll never use it.
- He will, too.

- You bought it, right?
- Ohh! What do you want, Kirk?

Okay, listen up, everybody.

I have an announcement to make.

I'm starting a singles club.

- Really?
- Yeah, right here at the inn.

What are you talking about?
You're not having a singles club here.

Why not?

You let the Rotary
Club meet here

and the Junior
Chamber of Commerce.

That is true, honey.

Well, I mean, they're hardly the
same thing. I mean, I know him.

When he says a singles club,
he means mud wrestling.

I think a singles
club is a great idea.

It could help all of us.

- Not me.
- Oh. Maybe not you,

but what about the rest of us?

I'm single, George is single,

Stephanie is single,
Ed's marriage is guano.

I'd like to meet
some new people.

You know,
it's really not a bad thought.

- Yeah.
- Kirk, why is it

whenever you
come up with an idea,

you always come over
here and dump it on me?

Because you're my best friend.

I don't want to be
your best friend.

Why are you always
so reluctant to help me?

You know,
speaking from personal experience,

it is hard to meet
people in this town.

Yeah. A group like
Kirk is talking about

- would sure make it easier.
- Yeah.

Well,
I guess if you feel that strongly about it,

we can... we can try it once.

Great!

See? It's not so hard to give,
is it, Dick?

Okay,
we'll have our first meeting

Friday night, 7:00,
in the dining room.

Oh. Friday night? I
can't. I have a date.

I thought you were having
trouble getting dates.

Not in the evenings.

Where's Kirk?

Isn't he in with the group?

No,
and the meeting was supposed to start

- 20 minutes ago.
- What are they doing?

Nothing. They're
just standing around

like a bunch of penguins
staring at each other.

I'm going to call him.

Hi, guys.

Where have you been?

This is the first meeting
of my singles club.

Hey, I'm the host.

This is potentially a very
important night for me.

I was gargling.

Those people have been
in there for half an hour.

Why are you so mad at me?

Because this
evening is turning out

exactly the way I knew it would.

You said it was
going to be dignified.

You show up late, and then you
have somebody paint that stupid sign.

I didn't have anyone
make that sign.

I took it out of the
window of my car.

Oh. Hi. I just came out

because some of the
singles were wondering

if there's going to be
anything to eat or drink.

Of course. There will
be plenty for everyone.

Oh, good.

What have you
got to eat or drink?

I don't know. I'll have
to go look in the kitchen

and see.

We're going to charge
you for everything you use.

Don't you ever get tired of being angry,
Dick?

Start your meeting.

Just think.

The woman of my dreams

may be on the other
side of this door.

Good. Then the two of
you can split the cost of this.

Okay. Let's go.

Where are you going, Kirk?

I don't want to
know these people.

Kirk, there's nothing wrong
with anybody in this room.

What were you expecting,
a bunch of beauty contest winners?

I have to be honest.
That's what I was hoping for.

Look, exciting or not,

these are decent, normal people.

There's not a nickel's
worth of difference

between you and
anybody in this room.

Excuse me. Do we
have the right night

for the singles social club?

I owe you a nickel.

Hi. Hi,
guys. How's... How's it going?

Pretty good for fall.

How did you hear about tonight?

Barber shop.

Just out of curiosity,

what were you doing
at the barber shop?

Darryl here was getting a shave.

They do real nice work, too.

Show him, Darryl.

Why, uh,
why don't you guys have a seat?

Uh,
the meeting is going to start any minute.

Isn't it, Kirk?

I'll never forgive you

for making me go
through with this.

Look, this is your idea,
not mine.

Now go up there
and start the meeting.

Where are you going?

I'm going in the kitchen
to add up your tab.

Okay. Sit down.

Good evening,

and thank you all
for coming tonight.

By the way,
did everyone fill out a little card

with his or her name and address

so we can keep you informed
of all of our club activities?

Okay. Good.

I'm very eager to get to know

each and every one of you,
and I know at future meetings

we're all going to
become very good friends.

And with that in mind,
I think we'll adjourn for now.

Please...

Please leave your cards
at the door as you go out

so we can get in touch with you.

Boy, that was a...

Seemed like that was
kind of a short meeting.

Excuse me. By some
giant stroke of luck,

are you here for
the singles club?

Yes, I am.

Get in your seats.
The meeting's back on.

I think the first order of
business should be introductions.

- Hi. I'm Kirk.
- Hi.

- And you're?
- Iris.

Iris. Iris. That's
my favorite name

and my favorite part of the eye.

By the way,
you have beautiful eyes.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Excuse me, Kirk.
- Huh?

Do you want the rest of
us to introduce ourselves?

Sure. Do what you want.

So have I seen you
around town before?

Uh, actually, I just moved here.

Well, uh, I guess I'll start.

I'm George, uh... Utley, and...

I'm single.

Where are you from originally?

Manhattan.

What brought you to the boonies?

I'm an artist. I
just wanted to live

some place more serene.

Uh, guess I'm next.

I'm Larry. This is
my brother Darryl.

This is my other brother Darryl.

We're looking for
companions in life

as we enter our
child-bearing years.

Ed Halstead.

Going through a divorce

and just kind of auditing.

I'm Iris Beecham,
and I'm new in town.

And I'm looking forward

to getting to know as
many people as I can.

Oh, now. Now,
that's what I call an introduction.

So what do you
say? Is it you and me?

I didn't come here
to get picked up.

I'm not trying to pick you up.

Can't you see I've
fallen in love with you?

- Please, cut it out.
- What?

We've become so
jaded in this day and age,

we can't profess our feelings?

I just want to know
when I can see you again.

You can see me
at the next meeting.

Okay.

Uh, can I have your attention,
please?

I'm sure at this point

we're all asking ourselves
the same question.

When can we do this again?

How's tomorrow
night for everyone?

Okay. Well, until then,
let's adjourn.

Oh. And, people,

let's have a theme for tomorrow,
shall we?

Let's all show up looking
as good as we can.

This is what I'm talking about.

Hi.

Hi, where have you been?

We went to open
a checking account

for Stephanie with
her first paycheck,

but kind of got
sidetracked along the way.

Hi.

You, uh, need any help?

Oh, no. I'm used to this.

I had no idea a town this size

could have so many cute shops.

- Uh, how many did you hit?
- Just one.

What have you been doing?

Uh,
working. I'm just taking a break.

Oh,
I thought maybe you'd be taking a break

on your new exercise bike.

Oh, I... I thought about it,

but, you know,
these are kind of nice clothes.

I didn't want to
get them all sweaty.

You won't be able to
use that excuse for long.

What are you talking about?

Joanna bought you sweats.

Now you don't have to
worry about your nice clothes.

Oh, is... is there no end
to your thoughtfulness?

Hi, guys.

Kirk, uh, where are you going?

I've got to get ready for
my singles club meeting.

- That was last night.
- Tonight, too.

- H-H-Hold it.
- What?

You didn't say
anything to us about this.

Kirk,
we've got people coming over for dinner.

Not in the dining
room you don't.

It's our dining room.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

I have a dozen people
coming over for a meeting.

Cancel it.

Look, you don't understand.

I met someone last night

who I felt deeply in love with.

Well, then,
have it at her dining room.

Really, Kirk? You're in love?

Yes.

What's her name?
What's she like?

Oh. Well, her name is Iris.

Gorgeous, long hair,
hazel eyes, great skin.

That's what she looks
like. What's she like?

I have no idea.

Then you're basing all
this on how she looks.

She looks great.

Kirk,
when are you going to learn

there's more to love than looks?

When there are no more
great-looking women.

Kirk, believe me,

I am the last
person in the world

to diminish the importance
of physical beauty.

I mean...

But I think what
Dick is trying to say

is that there are other
things about a person

that are more important.

Exactly.

- Like what?
- Like what?

Personality, character, depth.

I can't love someone
who isn't attractive.

Attractive people are confident.

They love life
because life loves them.

Ugly people are
depressed and neurotic.

They hate life because
life has no time for them.

It's too busy loving
attractive people.

It's not my fault.

This is the way
the universe works.

I'll give you 50 bucks
if you eat in the kitchen.

No.

Honey, uh...

what if we let them meet
out here in the lobby?

Why are you doing this for him?

I'm not. I'm doing it

for the other people in the club

who are not necessarily
depressed and neurotic.

You've seen them, haven't you?

All right,
you meet in the lobby.

But this is the last time
you meet in the inn, ever,

and you bring your own food.

Thank you, Joanna.

When Iris and I get married,

I promise we'll go away,

and Dick won't
ever have to be kind

to anyone again.

Kirk, I won't be able to be here

because it's Saturday night,
so obviously I have a date.

But as your friend,
I want you to know

that I really hope
everything works out

just the way you want it
to between you and Irene.

- Iris.
- Whatever.

- Well, you did it.
- Did what, George?

This club. It's great. I
even met somebody.

- Who?
- Dave over there.

George,
the club is for meeting women.

Well, I'm not too crazy about
the women that showed up,

so Dave and I are just
going to go fishing together.

Evening.

- Hi, Larry.
- Hi.

Slim pickings.

Hello there.

Of course,
even if the pickings was good,

there's no getting a
girl with Darryl around.

I guess even when you get older,

the guys still end up
hanging out together.

When did you make these?

- This afternoon. Why?
- They're cold.

Shouldn't we try to do something

to keep them warm?

Why don't you put
your coat over them?

Excuse me. My woman's here.

Hi. I was afraid
you weren't coming.

I was painting.

The important thing
is you're here now.

- Mind if I cut in?
- We just started.

Why don't you try
the next dance?

Okay. Sorry.

Okay, singles.

We're here to meet new people.

Let's change partners.

Shall we?

Would you mind if we
have just one dance?

Oh. Sure. My mistake.

Would... Would
you like to dance?

Artificial leg.

Come on. What's the deal here?

I mean,
this is supposed to be a mixer.

Let's mix.

I'm sorry. Would you
excuse us for just a second?

What is the matter with you?

Can I help it if you're
the only one here

- I want to be with?
- You're very rude.

All right. I'm a little pushy,
okay.

But look around the
room and ask yourself

which two people
have the best shot

at good-looking children?

You're also arrogant.

I'm sorry. I'm attracted to you.

Well, I'm not attracted to you.

Look, I don't like pushy,

I don't like rude,
and I don't like arrogant.

All right. I deserve that.

But I think you should
know I'm really not like this.

I'm usually a very
sensitive person.

I guess I've been acting this way because,
well...

I'm insecure.

I guess I was pushy

because I was excited
about meeting you,

and I was rude because
I wanted you so much.

And what sounded like arrogance

was really just a man who
knows what he's looking for

and thinks he may have found it.

I guess what I really don't like

is a guy who thinks
he can make it with me

by spilling his guts.

Maybe you'd like to go
fishing with me and Dave.

- Dick, can I talk to you?
- What?

Talk. You know,
talky talk-talk-talk.

We're having dinner.

Well, I'm having a crisis.
Which one do we put off?

I'm sorry. I'm Kirk.

We're sorry, too.

Clifford Murphy.
This is my wife Peg.

- Hello.
- Nice meeting you.

Kirk is in charge
of the singles club

that's meeting in the lobby.

Oh, yes. When we came in,

someone asked us
if we wanted to join.

Yeah. Single people are stupid.

Dick, kitchen?

Kirk, I'm not going off

while we're
entertaining our guests.

Oh, don't mind us.

Look,
you don't understand. She rejected me.

- Who did?
- Iris.

I came on too strong. I blew it.

Now she's out there
dancing with another man,

and I wish I was dead.

Anyone want more salad?

I'm sure Cliff and Peg

are impressed with
your compassion.

I loved her.

You loved her looks.

That's the only
thing you care about.

You followed
Victoria from Montana

because you loved her looks.

Then it was Leslie.
Now it's Violet.

- Iris.
- Whatever.

Look,
I know you don't think I have any feelings,

but I poured my
heart out to that girl,

and she rejected me for it.

Kirk,
maybe she didn't reject your heart.

Maybe she's just as
shallow as you are,

and she rejected your big nose.

Ah. Well, thank you,
Dr. Basset Hound Face.

Guys,
we're having a nice dinner.

I didn't mean to insult him.

All I'm trying to say is
if you live by the sword,

you die by the sword.

Is that another nose joke?

Kirk, what I'm trying to say

is you can continue with
this obsession about looks,

or you can get past that and
give an ordinary person a chance.

Oh, come on. You can't tell me

you didn't pick Joanna
because of her looks.

- Not at all.
- Thank you.

Honey,
I don't mean you don't look great.

It's just that that
wasn't the only reason

I went out with you.

And that's certainly not
why I went out with Dick.

- Are we even now?
- I'm sorry about all this.

Yeah. Uh, me, too.

Look, Kirk,

you're going to turn
around and leave now,

and you're going to
go out in the lobby,

and when you do,
you're going to have to make two choices.

One is you're
going to have to stop

and talk to some nice people,

or you're going to go home

and be alone and
miserable the rest of your life.

It is up to you,
but you are going to leave now.

Okay, you're right.

I mean, like it or not,

I did put this whole
thing together.

Those people are out
there because I invited them.

I'm their host,
and I have responsibilities.

The only thing left is
for me to go out there

and do what I have to do.

Excuse me.

Listen, I, uh,
I lied to you before.

I really don't have
an artificial leg.

And, uh,
if you still want to dance with me,

I'd be honored.

I'd love to.

This is a nice song.

Yeah. You're nice yourself.

Could I ask,
what do you do for a living?

I represent this district in
the United States Congress.