Newhart (1982–1990): Season 2, Episode 10 - Kirk Goes for the Juggler - full transcript

What are you looking at, George?

This new lawnmower
they came out with.

I sure can't wait till spring.

- Hello. Hello, there.
- Hi.

We were just out for a drive
and couldn't resist stopping

- to see if you had a room.
- Well, good.

How much are your rooms?

- Doubles are $35.
- $35.

We're not usually
this impulsive.

But once in a while,

we just like to do things
for the fun of it.



Why not?
It's Room Three.

- Enjoy your stay.
- Thank you.

Stephanie? Would you show
this couple to Room Three?

I haven't cleaned
Room Three yet.

But we haven't had a guest
in Room Three in two days.

Well, why don't you just
tell the whole world?

Why don't I just put
you in another room?

- Well, thank you.
- Follow me.

Oh, George, are you doing
anything right now?

Just waiting for spring.

I thought maybe you could
help me build a birdhouse.

Sure. Why?

Oh, there've been a couple
birds chirping

outside my study window
for the last couple of days.



And I thought
we could give 'em a home.

Aw, that's nice.

Well, it's nicer
than killing 'em

which is what I was gonna do
if they didn't stop chirping.

I am not mad at you.

I'm just saying it's important
to try to keep

all the rooms clean
all the time.

- Okay, okay.
- What's the matter?

- Joanna's mad at me.
- I am not mad at you.

- Well, you're irritated.
- I am not!

Well, whatever you are,
you've hurt my feelings

and made me feel terrible.

I'm sorry.

Well, as long as you're sorry.

Good morning, everybody.

You sure seem in a good mood.

I'm in a fantastic mood.

And if you're not too busy,
I'd love to tell you why.

And if you are,
I'll come back another time.

Why don't you come back
another time?

- You are busy?
- No,

but as long as you're
giving us a choice...

Dick!

What is it, Kirk?

I'm in love.

- Oh.
- Okay, okay.

I realize I've made
that statement before.

But this time is different.

Well, tell us about her.
Where did you meet her?

What's she like?
What was she wearing?

I met her last night
at Barney's Restaurant.

Her name is Cindy
and she's incredible.

We stayed till the place closed.

We talked about everything...

Politics, books,

music, philosophy.

Do you know
she's from Kansas City

and lived there right up
until the time she moved here?

Absolutely incredible.

That's what I thought.

I must admit I've never
seen you this excited.

I don't think I ever have been.

I wonder if I really am in love.

Joanna, you were in love
with Dick once.

How did you know?

Kirk, I'm still
in love with Dick.

But if you're asking
how I first knew,

well, it was a lot of things.

Not being able to think
about anything but him.

Not wanting to do anything
unless I could do it with him.

When you're first in love,

life just has an intensity
it's never had before.

How did you feel, honey?

Good.

Just good?

So good, I can't find words
to describe it.

That's exactly how I feel.

When are you planning
to see her again?

Tonight.
I'm taking her to dinner.

Do you think I can
bring her by here

to meet all of you before we go?

Sure. We'd love to meet her.

Great! You know what else?

Cindy's the first girl
I met I couldn't lie to.

I went
through the entire evening

without telling her I was
Warren Beatty's brother.

It sounds incredible,

but the stupid truth
seems to be working.

I think that's the first time
Kirk's come over here

and not made fun of anybody.

Well, there's nothing
like that wild rush of emotion

- when you're first in love.
- Yeah.

Well, we had a wonderful time.

Thank you.

This is gonna be beautiful.

Yeah, adding a second story
was a great idea.

What color do you think
we should paint it?

Well, we can always paint it
white like the Stratford.

Uh-huh.
Or there's always blue.

That's true.
I like blue.

You know, George,

I think we should extend the
roof here. What do you think?

I kind of had
my heart set on blue.

Well, we can decide
on the color when we finish.

The important thing now is to
concentrate on getting it done.

Right.
Yeah, I remember

my dad built me a birdhouse
when I was a kid.

Everybody in town said

it was the best birdhouse
they ever saw.

I bet it was.

It was blue.

- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Kirk.

- What are you doing?
- Building a birdhouse.

Oh, what a great idea.

- Did you want something, Kirk?
- Yeah.

Three hours
till my date with Cindy,

and I'm getting nervous.

About what?

Look, I'm going out tonight

with the classiest girl
I've ever met in my life.

I don't want to blow it.

You won't.
Just be yourself.

On second thought,
don't be yourself.

Be who you were last night.

I don't remember
who I was last night.

You told us this morning
you were honest with Cindy.

I was,
but you know what a liar I am.

Maybe my being honest was a lie.

I mean, I know I was
a great guy last night.

But I also know there
are a lot of things about me

people don't like.

What if those things start
leaking out during the date?

Well, what do you want us to do?

I want you to help me make sure

I don't do any
of that stuff tonight.

Tell me everything about me
that repulses people.

Kirk, your date
is in three hours.

There isn't time.

Dick, I've been decent
to you for half a day.

Give me a break here.

Look, if I really thought
it would help, I would do it.

But you can't change your whole
personality in three hours.

Sure I can.
I've done it in two seconds.

Come on, help me!

All right. The main thing is,
you're obnoxious.

Obnoxious.

Good.

You're insensitive,
you make fun of people.

You criticize people,
you make people feel stupid.

Hold it, speedboat,
I'm trying to write this down.

You're selfish, you're vain.

You don't put any meat
in your hamburgers.

Keep going.
This is great.

Basically, I would say
that you're a person

who has no character,

no morals, no principles.

Thank you, Dick.

You're the best friend
a guy ever had.

Oh, by the way,
I'm wearing my gray slacks

with a blue blazer tonight.

What do you think?

- Fine.
- Yeah.

Blue is my favorite color.

- Who is it?
- Kirk!

Oh, come on in.
It's open.

Hello?

I'm in the bedroom.
I'll be out in a second.

Uh, there's some wine
on the table.

Oh, incredible
how our minds work alike.

- I brought you some wine too.
- Ohh.

You're half an hour early.

Actually, it's an hour.
I've been sitting in my car.

Well, I just got home
this second.

I haven't even had time
to change.

Are you okay out there?

Yeah, perfect.

- What are you doing?
- Just breathing your air.

How long does it take you
to change?

I'm still on my shoes,
if you can believe it.

A lace got stuck.

Would you mind stopping by
my best friends' place

on the way to the restaurant?

I want them to meet you.

Oh, I'd love to.

Oh, I love the unicycle.
Can you ride it?

Sure.

I love discovering
new things about you.

Cindy, I can't wait anymore.

I miss you.
Come out here.

Oh, but I'm still
in my work clothes.

I don't care.

Oh, but, Kirk,
I wanted to look pretty.

You'd look pretty
in anything. Come on.

Why didn't you tell me
you were a clown?

I don't know.
I guess it just never came up.

- Why? Does it matter?
- No, it doesn't matter.

I guess it's just something I
wasn't prepared for, that's all.

Oh.

I guess there are a lot of
things I wouldn't be prepared for.

And I guess you'd have to
put clown at the top of the list.

Well, now you know.

Oh, look what you did.

Thank you.
They're beautiful.

Have you always been a clown?

Uh, no, not always.

I was a kid
and a teenager for a while.

Although in high school,

I must admit
I was voted class clown.

I see.

I take it these are all
your, uh, props.

Mostly, yeah.
These are my noses.

- Oh, noses.
- Mm-hmm.

I make them myself
out of little rubber balls

- and then I paint them.
- Oh, clever.

Here, guys.
Smell these.

Let me go take my makeup off
and then, um, put my makeup on.

And then we can go
meet your friends.

Well,
take all the time you need.

I just can't believe

that, after the longest day
of my life,

we're finally together
like this.

Me either.

Okay, you and your wife
are confirmed for Saturday.

You're welcome. Bye-bye.

How does this look?

You look fine. That's
the second time you've changed.

Well, I'm meeting
Kirk's girlfriend.

I wanna look nice.

What are you gonna wear?

- This.
- Oh!

It's cute.

Dick, what a great sport coat.

Well, we're meeting Kirk's
girlfriend. I wanna look nice.

Maybe I'd better go up
and change.

Guys?

- Too late.
- Too bad.

We just stopped by because we
wanted everybody to meet.

Cindy, this is Dick,
Joanna and Stephanie.

- Hi.
- This is Cindy.

Well, see you later.

Wait a minute.
Where you going?

Well, I know you
people are busy.

So we'll be on our way.

Don't be silly!
We haven't even seen her yet.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Come on in. Sit down.
- Oh, thank you.

I guess we can stay
for a few minutes.

I thought I heard
voices out here.

- George, this is Cindy.
- Oh, hello.

- Pleased to meet you.
- Oh, thank you.

Well, can I get anyone
something to drink?

Uh, not for me, thanks.

Oh, we really don't have time.

We're running late as it is.

Where are you going tonight?

Kirk's taking me
to the River Club.

Oh, nice.

I'm really looking
forward to it.

I don't get that many chances
to dress up.

Right.

What do you do?

What kind of question is that?

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

Um, I'm a clown.

A clown? Really?
You mean like in a circus?

Well, no, not exactly.

I work at children's hospitals

and birthday parties,
stuff like that.

I really love it.

Oh, that's great.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Well, let's shove off.

Kirk, what are you
in such a rush about?

We got all dressed up...
Well, Dick and I did...

To meet Cindy,
and now you're running away

before we've had
a chance to talk.

This is fascinating.

Why on earth would anyone
want to be a clown?

Well, you know what they say.

Everybody loves the clown.

Can you do somersaults
and juggle

- and stuff like that?
- Oh, yeah, uh-huh.

Would you do something for us?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, guys, it's her job.

I mean, we're not asking Dick
to write a book

or Stephanie to clean a room.

No. I think
Kirk's probably right.

I mean, if there's anything
I hate, it's a pushy clown.

Anyway, you know, I mean,

Kirk's got it in his head
that I shouldn't perform,

- so, you know, maybe I shouldn't.
- Well...

Unless he's got
something else in his head.

I don't know. Let's see.

Oh, I think maybe he does.

Ohh! He does have something.

Will you help me with this,
please?

Sure.

He has a lot more
in his head than what I thought.

Why didn't you tell me?
Ohh!

How many are in there?

I don't know.
Oh! That's it.

Oh, no, no, no.
Please don't applaud me.

I just pull them out.

Imagine what Kirk went through
getting them in there.

Oh, Kirk, yeah.

Well, that was fun,
but it really is late

and we have to go.

- We didn't get a chance...
- What time is it?

Ohh.
Where's my watch?

You check your ear?

Oh, well,
why don't you use mine?

That's my watch!

Oh, that's fabulous.

You got me started.

- You sure you have to go?
- Oh, yes.

Oh, Cindy,
it was so nice meeting you.

Oh, thank you.
It was great meeting all of you.

Yeah, I just knew
someone as special as Kirk

would have
really special friends.

- Oh.
- Enjoy the River Club.

It's very romantic.
It's a great place to be alone.

That's just what
I'm looking for.

- We'll see you.
- Goodbye.

Bye-bye.

Are you just about finished
with the birdhouse, Dick?

Joanna is waiting to see it.

Just about.

Oh, it's beautiful.

You know, when I die,

I think I'd like to come back
as a bird and live here.

Well, that's good, George,
'cause a place this size

is gonna need a handyman.

Dick, I've gotta talk to you.

About what, Kirk?

Notice anything?

You're still here?

I'll be outside.

Well, I see you're
your old self again.

I'm sorry.
I have a problem.

- What is it?
- Cindy.

What about Cindy?
We thought she was wonderful.

She is wonderful.

She's the most wonderful person
I've ever known.

Up until last night,
I thought she was my dream girl.

Then in walked Bozo.

You're upset
because she's a clown?

Wouldn't you be?

You were here the other night.
You saw what happened.

I mean, even at the restaurant,

somebody asked her
to do a trick.

So she pulled an olive
out of my nose.

It was humiliating.

Kirk, I really think you're
making too much of this.

How would you like it
if Joanna did that to you?

Well, in the first place,
I don't think it'd bother me.

And in the second place,

my nose isn't big enough
to pull an olive out of.

Ha, ha-ha!

I'm dating Miss Baggy Pants.

And I'm living next door
to Mr. Funny Pants.

Look, I need some help here.

What do you want me to do, Kirk?

Be a friend.
Solve my problem.

Well, I can't solve your problem

because your problem is,
you're a jerk.

I mean, you have a chance
with maybe the only woman

in the world
who'll put up with you.

And you're gonna blow it

because you can't
deal with what she does.

You think I don't know that?

I keep thinking how great
my life with Cindy would be.

Then I think
about people reading

the wedding announcement.

Kirk Devane and Cindy Parker
wed today.

Groom is a prominent
local businessman,

bride is a clown.

I don't think I could live
with that, Dick.

Well, I don't know what hope
there is for you.

I don't know either.

Look, you're either gonna

have to decide it doesn't
matter that much.

Or you're gonna lose her.

I think this is
the biggest decision

I ever had to make in my life.

I think so, too.

And for advice,
I came to the man

who's built the most
ludicrous birdhouse

on the face of the earth.

Ready to show the birdhouse
to Joanna?

- Yep.
- Okay, Joanna,

- we're bringing it out!
- Okay!

I can't wait to see her face.

Me either.

- All right, close your eyes!
- Okay!

You gotta be kidding.

George...

I have an idea.

Here, birds!

Come on, birdies!

- Kirk?
- Yeah.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Here.
- Oh, thank you.

You know, if you keep doing this
every time we see each other,

I'm gonna have to buy
myself a wine rack.

Right.

Oh, I should have
asked you before.

Do you like lamb chops?

- Sure.
- Good.

I'm gonna put the stuffed
tomatoes in the oven.

Why don't you just sit down?

What do you want me
to do with this coat?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Right there
in the closet's fine.

So, how was your day?

Oh, it was great.

I met the dearest little boy
at the hospital.

He was so sweet and shy,

afraid of me, really.

But then I did a couple
of somersaults, you know,

and honked my horn
a couple of times

until he laughed out loud.

Mm. It made me feel so good.

Yeah, I had a great day.

- How was yours?
- What?

Oh, not as great.

Listen, Cindy, something came up
today you should know about.

- What?
- Um...

I have to leave town
for a while.

Oh, no. Why?

It's business.
I have to go to this convention.

Well, I thought you said
you ran a cafe.

I do.
It's a cafe convention.

It's about grills.

I don't wanna get too technical.

It's in Vegas. It's a big deal.
They have it every year.

I'll get in a lot of trouble
if I don't go.

Anyway...

you might not be hearing
from me for a while,

so I'm just telling you
in case...

you meet anybody
and wanna get married,

I'll understand.

Are you trying to tell me that
you don't wanna see me anymore?

Of course not.

If that's what I was
trying to tell you,

I'd be honest and say it.

Come on, Kirk.
I don't believe any of this.

- What's going on?
- Nothing.

The truth?

Oh, Cindy.

What? What's the matter?

Why did you have to be a clown?

What's wrong
with my being a clown?

Nothing. It's just
that I can't deal with it.

Oh.

Well, that's funny.
You know,

I just never thought that anyone
would have a problem with it.

No one would but me.

I'm the only one in the world.

I just don't see how you can
let this make a difference.

Do you think I wanna be
like this?

I like you.
I more than like you.

I think you're the best person
I've ever known.

You just embarrass me to death.

I can't not be a clown, Kirk.

I know.

It's what I've wanted

for as long as I can remember.

But when you were a little girl,

didn't you ever want
to be something normal

like a ballerina?

Oh, my father took me
to the circus,

not the ballet.

Come on. What if I asked you
to give up your cafe?

- Say when.
- Oh, now, come on.

That's not fair.

No one has the right
to ask another person

to give up something they love.

Do they have the right
to suggest alternatives?

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.

It's okay. It actually
makes me feel better.

Kirk, listen.

I wanna make something
really very clear.

I like you.

I like you so much.

I also like being a clown.

I've studied and I've worked
so hard to become one,

and it makes me happy.

I wish it made you happy too.

I'm sorry.

No sorrier than I am.

I guess I better go.

I'm sorry about dinner too.

Yeah, okay.

Well...

so long.

Goodbye, Kirk.

I can't leave.

I like you too much.

But what about being
with a clown?

Better than being without one.

Boy, you know, you had me
scared there for a minute.

I can't believe I've fallen
in love with Clarabelle.

This calls for a celebration.
Do you have any champagne?

Yeah, but, Kirk, this is like
a major moment in our lives.

I think we need something even
more than champagne, you know?

- Like what?
- Festive, special,

I don't know.
Oh, um, what about this?

What?

Could I have a glass
of milk with that?