Newhart (1982–1990): Season 2, Episode 11 - Jug of Wine, Loaf of Bread & Pow - full transcript

Honey, I've worked
hard all my life, right?

Right.

If I could have one extravagance

for all the work I've done,
what do you think that would be?

What do you think it would be?

Snowmobile?

Oh, boy, a snowmobile!

- Morning.
- Morning.

Hi, guys.

Guess what Dick is buying?

Season basketball tickets.



Close.
A snowmobile!

What's this about
basketball tickets?

Oh, feel free to say no
if you're not interested.

But the Big Green's
first basketball game

is tomorrow night.

- The Big Green?
- That's Dartmouth, Joanna.

Oh.

Don't feel badly.
Kirk didn't know either.

Anyway, I'm this
giant basketball fan.

So I asked Kirk if we could
get season tickets.

And he said, well, why don't
we ask Dick and Joanna

if they'd like to go in with us?

Well, we appreciate your asking,

but Joanna doesn't
like basketball.



Oh, really?

I know it's supposed to
be exciting and fast-paced.

But for some reason,
it bores me.

And whenever I watch it,
I end up getting grumpy

and depressed.

- Have you seen that many games?
- Oh, yeah, I was a cheerleader.

George, how about you
splitting the tickets with us?

- Me?
- Yeah. You like basketball.

But who would I go with?

That's the great thing about this.
You can go with anybody you want.

Dick, would you go to
some of the games with me?

Sure, George.
I love basketball.

I'd even pay
for the games I go to.

Remember, you're
buying a snowmobile.

I'll just buy
a cheaper one, George.

In that case, I'll do it!

Great. You go down today,
stand in line

and get the tickets.

Uh, Kirk, this is our idea.

I think one of us should go
down and get the tickets.

That's okay.
I'll take care of it.

Thanks.
That's sweet, George.

Does anybody know where the
Dartmouth ticket office is?

Somewhere at Dartmouth.

- Hi, George.
- Hi, Stephanie.

You happen to know where the
Dartmouth ticket office is?

- Somewhere at Dartmouth.
- Dick was right!

Joanna, how would you like to go

to a poetry reading tonight?

I didn't know you were
that interested in poetry.

I wasn't until a cute
guy handed me this flyer.

"The Romantic Verse of
Byron Shelley and Keats.

8 p.m. tonight,
Campbell Hall, Room 309."

Sounds like a great place
to meet men, don't you think?

Oh, I think at a poetry recital,

there would be more women
there than men.

And I think other men
will think the same thing.

Which I why I think there will
be more men there than women.

Well, I may be the only one

there who's interested
in the poetry.

- But I'd like to go.
- Good.

Wait a minute.
I'm confused.

If you're only going
there to meet men,

why do you want Joanna there?

Because I don't want it

to look like that's
why I'm going.

I just want it to look
like I'm there with

my very good friend to be
intellectually enriched.

Providing my very good friend
promises to get lost

if some guy hits on me.

Maybe you'd like your very
good friend to take her own car?

- Would you?
- No.

Well, we can work
that out later.

Meanwhile, I'd better go up and
figure out what I'm gonna wear.

And maybe make some beds
while you're at it?

You know, on second thought,
maybe I should take my own car.

If she meets somebody there,
she could end up leaving me there.

Well, don't worry about it, honey. If she
does, I'll pick you up in my snowmobile.

"For me, I feign would
please the chosen few.

Those souls to feeling
and to nature true

will spare the childish verse.

And not destroy the light
effusions of a heedless boy.

I seek not glory from
the senseless crowd.

Of fancied laurels
I shall ne'er be proud.

Their warmest plaudits
I would scarcely prize.

Their sneers or censures
I like despise."

Thank you, Ted.

That was answers to some
elegant verses

sent to a friend by
the author complaining

that one of his descriptions
was rather too warmly drawn.

And that concludes our
selections from Byron.

Are there any questions
or comments?

Yes?

I just wanted to
ask... Ted, isn't it?

Yes.

Could you tell me when
that last poem was written?

- November 26, 1806.
- I thought so.

Thank you.

Well, if there are
no more questions or comments,

why don't we take another
10-minute coffee break

and resume with
the selections of John Keats?

Okay, let's go.

What about Keats?

Joanna, I have sat through two
poets and two intermissions

and not one guy has
even stepped on my foot.

I wanna leave.

But Keats is one
of my favorites.

It's just more poetry.

But you're the one
who asked me to come.

So I should be the one
to say when we go.

Well, maybe if you
tried listening, you'd...

- Heads!
- Heads what?

- Well, enjoying it?
- Enjoying it?

I can't get enough.

It's like I was just
telling this lady here

that the best is yet to come.

Oh, you're an admirer
of Keats, are you?

We're talking Keatsomania.

And who do you admire?

Well, actually,
I like Keats too.

Although I think Byron was
probably the more romantic.

Well, certainly
in his personal life.

To quote J. H. Plumb,
"Byron was born to be romantic.

The driven individualist
sensitive to wrong,

yet capable of diabolical
personal behavior.

Saint and sadist in
one impulsive heart."

By the way, I'm David Cameron.

Stephanie Vanderkellen.

- And you are?
- Joanna Loudon.

Oh, that's a
beautiful sport coat.

I love to see men in tweed.

Thank you.
Are you a student?

I don't think I've seen
you around before.

No, but that's very flattering.

I always think of tweed as
a sign of high intelligence.

Could I ask how you
heard about tonight?

- Someone handed Stephanie a flyer.
- Someone handed me a flyer.

Well, it's always nice to see
new faces at our poetry readings,

especially faces
as pretty as yours.

Oh, well, thank you.

Her face is married!

I beg your pardon?

- Stephanie!
- Well, it is.

I know, but I'm sure Mr. Cameron
didn't mean anything by that.

Well, you're right. It was
just an innocent compliment.

And the name is David.

Can I get either one
of you a cup of coffee?

I don't think we care
for any coffee, thank you.

Maybe we should be going.

Well, you're not
gonna leave before Keats.

I'm sorry, but I do have
to get up

fairly early tomorrow morning.

She and her husband
own the Stratford Inn

and we have to get up and
cook breakfast for the guests.

Well, maybe you can catch
Keats another time then.

- Maybe so. Ready?
- Desperate.

It was nice meeting you.
We really enjoyed the evening.

- Ow!
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Sure, now that we're leaving!

Yes, I want to place an
order from the sales catalog.

On page 32,
the Silver Eagle Snowmobile

with the telescopic
strut suspension

and the twin piston port engine.

It says in the catalog
that you can get

optional leather grip handles.

Yeah, are they really good
or pretty much decorative?

Just decorative.

Yeah, give me those too.

One more thing,
the picture in the catalog.

It shows the guy
riding the snowmobile.

He has a jacket on
with the Silver Eagle decal

on the back.

I was wondering,
would you... oh, you do?

Good.
Give me one of those too.

Right. Thank you.
Goodbye.

What was that about?

I was just getting
my snowmobile.

So how was the poetry reading?

I take it you didn't
feel that Keats

was all that he's cracked
up to be?

We didn't stay for Keats.

I know Stephanie's upset, but
it really was kind of funny.

What was?

Well, we were
there because Stephanie

wanted to meet some men, right?

Yeah, right.

I'm sorry, Stephanie, but you
do have to admit it was ironic.

Anyway, this professor
came up to the two of us

at intermission.

Instead of talking to Stephanie,
he started talking to me.

Talking to you? He was
flirting his brains out.

He was not!

What did he say to you?

He just asked me
if I was enjoying myself

and if I liked Keats.

Then he said you were pretty.

Did he say you were pretty?

Well, no, not really.

What he said was
I had a pretty face.

Well, then he said
you were pretty.

Well, I guess he did, but
he didn't mean anything by it.

He was just trying
to make me feel comfortable.

I'll get that.
Hello? Stratford Inn.

Yes, she is.

May I tell her
who's calling, please?

Oh. Hold on.

Was the professor's
name David Cameron?

Don't tell me that's him.

Seems to be obsessed
with your company.

- Do you believe this guy?
- Stephanie, be quiet!

Do you believe this guy?

Hello, Professor
Cameron... David.

Yeah, we got home fine,
thank you.

Yes, I'm sorry
we couldn't stay too.

Oh, that sounds interesting.

Could you hold on
for just a second?

He says he's gonna
be discussing Keats

in his morning class tomorrow.

And since I couldn't stay tonight,
if I'd like to, I can sit in.

In his class or his lap?

Wait a minute. He's calling
you at 9:30 tonight to ask you

if you wanna audit a
class tomorrow morning?

What's wrong with that?

Oh, come on, you two.

He's just being nice.

Look, he knows I'm married.

You think he'd be calling me
here if it was anything but innocent?

That is so insulting!

What is?

That you don't think
it's possible that a man

could find me
intellectually stimulating.

I happen to like Keats.
He happens to teach Keats.

But you think the only reason
he could possibly

be calling me is because
he likes my face!

Look, I'm not
making this difficult.

I mean, if you wanna go to
a class by

some good-time Charlie
crawled out from under

a rock poetry professor,
then go ahead.

David, what time did you
say that class was tomorrow?

11:30?
I'd be happy to attend.

Thank you for asking.
I'll see you then. Bye.

Now if nothing else,
I'm gonna prove to both of you

that a man and a woman
can share interests

and be friends without being
anything more than that.

Maybe then you will see
that the both of you

are being childish.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to bed.

I have school tomorrow.

How can you let this happen?

Stephanie, you have
to understand something.

No matter what I think of
this guy, I trust Joanna.

Oh. I never
thought of that.

So what'd he look like?

He's gorgeous.

Damn!

I just think that,
when you compare

the kind of life that Keats led with
the kind of life that, say, Byron led,

the Keats poetry seems more sincere.

Or maybe I'm being influenced by
what I know about the two men?

But is in fact knowing
the personality

of the poet enriches the body
of the work,

then that's a very
valid statement to make.

Oops, we're out of time.

We'll continue this
discussion on Monday.

Everyone have a good weekend.

Joanna, could you stay
after for a second?

- Sure.
- Did you enjoy it?

I really did.
Thank you.

Listen, if you've got the time,
would you like to have a bite to eat?

Oh, gee, I hadn't
planned on having lunch.

Oh, don't feel pressured.
It's up to you.

I better not.
Thanks anyway.

Okay.

This is silly.

The only reason
I said no is because,

well, it doesn't matter.

Actually, there's no reason
why I can't have lunch.

Great. I hope you don't
mind bread and cheese.

- We're eating here?
- I know it's nothing fancy.

It's all right, isn't it?

Well, sure, fine.

I'm sorry we can't go out,
but I have another class

in an hour.

And the cafeteria is usually
jammed this time of day.

I know it's kind of roughing it.

But when you're a teacher,

you get used to
the bare essentials.

Red or white?

You have wine when
you're teaching?

I just happened to pick these
up on the spur of the moment.

You will have some, won't you?

Maybe a little white.

You're very good at that.

You know, there's something
I have to tell you.

What's that?

It sounds silly, but my husband

didn't want me
to come here today.

He didn't?

No. I feel embarrassed
even saying this.

But he thinks
you're interested in me.

- You're kidding.
- No.

- What'd you tell him?
- Well, you know.

I told him I think we're interested
in the same things, books, poetry.

Would you be interested
in going to New York

for the weekend?

What?

Or to Boston.
I don't care.

- Is this a joke?
- No.

- You are sick!
- You're insulted, right?

You bet I am! You know
darn well I'm married!

What's that got to do with it?

It has a lot to do with it.

I happen to believe in fidelity.

But, Joanna,
you don't understand.

This isn't some shallow
off-the-cuff proposition.

I really have the hots for you!

- This is unbelievable!
- Why?

This is exactly what
Dick said you would do.

He said me you
were coming on to me.

But, no, I said you were just
a nice guy who liked Keats.

I made a big speech
about how men and women

can have platonic relationships.

Boy, naive me!

No. Wait a minute.
You actually said all that?

You bet I did, and more!

And now I feel like such a dope!

- Oh, God, I hate myself.
- What?

I mean, that was
a lousy thing to do.

I don't know why I did it.

I mean, I won't even
try to make any excuses.

I guess I'm just a victim
of the age we live in.

But you know what
really makes me sick?

I happen to agree with
everything that you said.

I think that men
and women should be able

to be friends without
any complications.

And your the kind
of woman I would love

to have for a friend, Joanna.

But, oh, no.

I had to open up my big stupid
mouth and really blow it!

Well, now take it easy.

I'd like to think
I'm broad-minded enough

to allow people
to make mistakes.

No, not one this big.

Yes, I am.

This is incredible.

You are absolutely

the most understanding woman

I have ever met
in my life, Joanna.

What would you say
to just a nooner?

Oh, hi, Stephanie.
Is George around?

He's in the basement.

George, would you come up
here for a minute?

- Who's that?
- Dick!

So where is everybody?

Dick's writing and
Joanna's at a poetry class.

You seem depressed.

Kirk, if I ask you a question,
will you answer it honestly?

- Sure.
- Do you think I'm attractive?

Yeah. Why?

Well, last night Joanna
and I went somewhere.

It doesn't matter where.
It was a poetry reading.

And I went thinking that
I might meet a guy.

But during one of the breaks,
this very handsome,

very eligible professor came up.

And instead of talking to me,
he started talking to Joanna.

Not that there's anything
wrong with that.

I mean,
Joanna's very attractive.

But ever since it happened,

I've felt like burning my hair
and moving to a convent.

Right.

I mean, looking good
is what I do.

It's really all I do.

With other people, if you
don't like the way they look,

they've always got their personality
to fall back on or they dance well.

But with me, let's face it,
I'm living life without a net.

If you don't
like the way I look,

then you just
don't like Stephanie.

I don't know.

I keep thinking maybe
it's time I started

trying to improve myself.

Read more, take more of
an interest in other people.

Just try to become a
better all-around person.

Stephanie?

You're a very
attractive young woman.

You've got great hair,
great skin, ace chassis.

You don't need
to be a better person.

Oh, Kirk.
I had a hunch it was you.

Yeah. I came over to find out
if you got the tickets yesterday.

- I've got them right here.
- Great.

Don't forget.
You owe me $20.

George?

If I ask you a question,
will you answer it honestly?

We'll talk later.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- How was the class?
- Fine.

More to the point,
how was the professor?

Fine.
How's everything here?

Everything here is fine.

Oh, hi, honey.
Didn't know you were home.

I just walked in.

- So how was the class?
- Fine.

Good.

Well, if you'll all excuse me,
I think I'll go start supper.

It's a quarter to one.

Oh. Well, then
I'll go start lunch.

We already ate.

Anybody feel like tea?

Honey, did something
happen at class?

- Oh, Dick.
- Good! Something did happen!

Oh, please don't make me go into it
because I just feel naive and stupid.

The clown made a pass
at you, didn't he?

He asked me if
I wanted to go to New York

with him for the weekend.

What building
is the classroom in?

Down the hall,
Room 309, I'll drive.

You are not going there!

I don't want you
doing something crazy!

- You could get hurt!
- I just wanna talk to him.

But I already took care of it.
What are you gonna say?

I don't know. I don't
even wanna think about it.

I just wanna walk
into his classroom,

look at his face and let
my Irish temper take over!

Dick, come back!
Dick, wait a minute!

Dick, for heaven's sake, Dick!

You're not even Irish!

Excuse me. Is this
Professor Cameron's room?

Yes, it is.
Can I help you?

- Are you Professor Cameron?
- Yes, I am.

I'm Dick Loudon.

Oh, how do you do?

My wife is Joanna Loudon.

Uh-oh.

I understand you like New York.

Look, Mr. Loudon,
I, uh...

You know, a lot of thoughts

went through my mind about
how to handle this.

Some of them were pretty nuts.

But since we are civilized men
living in the 20th century

with respect for each
other's personal property,

I certainly wouldn't come
over here to break furniture.

Well, maybe just one.

Mr. Loudon, this may not
mean anything to you.

But I think I should tell
you these aren't my chairs.

- But this is yours, right?
- Right.

You know, there are a lot
of things I could say to you.

But I didn't come over here
to give you a speech

on morality or tell you how
you should conduct your life.

What I did come over here
for was to sit down man to man,

discuss the problem. And
see if we couldn't come up with

a mutually acceptable solution.

What if I promise never to
go near your wife ever again

as long as I live?

You know, that's funny.

That's exactly the solution
I was thinking of.

I'm glad we found it.

Well, I won't take up
any more of your time.

Nice meeting you, Professor.

Wonderful meeting you, Dick.

And you will send me
the bill for this.

- No, I'll take care of it.
- You're sure?

- Oh, yeah.
- Great.

I don't know.

I keep thinking maybe
it's time I started

trying to improve myself.

Read more, take more of
an interest in other people.

Just try to be a better
all-around person.

Sounds like a good idea.

Maybe I'll talk to Dick.

- We're leaving.
- Oh, where are you going?

Dick's taking me out to dinner.

Yeah, Joanna didn't
get much lunch.

- Hi, guys.
- Hi, everybody.

I thought you were going
to the basketball game?

We were, but Kirk came down
with a throat infection.

I guess the tickets
are yours, George.

Oh, thanks, but who could
I get to go with me this late?

That's your problem.

- I'll go with you.
- You will?

What? How can you go?
I'm sick!

Well, then you should
be home in bed.

You ready, George?

I'll get my coat.
We can take my car.

Bye, sweetie.
Take care of yourself.

Yeah, we should be going too.

- Goodnight, guys.
- Goodnight.

I hate when things
don't go exactly as I plan!

What am I supposed
to do tonight?

Kirk, I know I've asked
you this question before.

But answer honestly, do you
really think I'm attractive?