Newhart (1982–1990): Season 2, Episode 12 - Cats - full transcript

Excuse us.

Mr. and Mrs. Kingston,
we have a reservation.

Oh, yes, the newlyweds,
congratulations.

Could I get your luggage?

Thank you, here's the keys.

- It's the silver Jag.
- Oh.

We, uh, we don't actually
have a honeymoon suite, but,

uh, we're going to give you
the Martin Van Buren room.

Oh, Martin Van Buren
stayed here?

No, um, when we bought
the inn that particular room

had a picture of
Martin Van Buren in it.



But it really is our nicest
room, would you like to see it?

- I would.
- Follow me.

Could you cash some
travelers checks for me?

Sure.

Ted!

Hi, is there any mail
for me today?

My God, Stephanie.

Ted.

I can't believe it's you.

This is incredible.

I'm, uh, going to take a
guess you've met before?

Are you kidding, we were
practically engaged once.

Ted Kingston, Dick Loudon.

What on earth
are you doing here?



As if I couldn't guess.

I'm up here on my honeymoon.

Your what?

My honeymoon,
I just married Tish.

- Tish Ellison?
- Mm-hmm.

Eww, I mean happiness always!

Thank you.
What are you doing up here?

Well, I'm...

Well, I guess there's no point

in trying to keep it a secret.
I'm on kind of a sabbatical.

Oh, that's right, I heard
your parents cut you off.

It was actually
a mutual agreement.

So I'm up here now just kind
of getting away from it all

and thinking about my future.

Oh, Stephanie, we're gonna need

more towels in
the Van Buren room.

And, uh, helping
out here at the inn.

- Steph.
- Tish.

You know each other?

For just ages.

We went to high school together.

Oh, how are you?

Fine.
Congratulations on Ted.

Thank you.
Congratulations to you, too.

I understand that you've
landed a job as a maid.

Oh, well let me look at you.

Oh, you haven't changed a bit.

- Thank you.
- Why?

These two were
best friends in high school.

It shows.

I still can't get over
what a coincidence this is.

Oh, come on, you must
have known I was up here.

- I swear, I didn't.
- I did.

And listen, uh,
Ted and I have to unpack

but after we've rested

and you've finished
your scrubbing,

we'll have to sit down
and have a nice long chat.

Come on Ted, I can't wait
for you to see our room.

Stephanie has gotten it
so clean it just glistens.

- Nice to see you again.
- You too.

I hate her,
I hate her, I hate her.

Stephanie what is
the matter with you?

Of all the people in the world
that I never wanted

to see again, Tish Ellison
was at the top of the list.

Why?

We just always had this rivalry.

And Ted was one of
the main things

we had the rivalry over

except in high school
he was mine.

I thought he was the guy
I was gonna marry.

What happened?

Oh, he bought a car
I didn't like so we broke up.

You broke up because
you didn't like his car?

I know it sounds silly now,
but Joanna,

you remember that time in your
life when the most important thing

in the world was your
boyfriend's sports car.

No.

Well I guess in Ohio
the most important thing

was your boyfriend's cow,
but you understand

what I'm getting at.

Anyway, the only thing
that matters now

is that Ted and Tish
are married.

And she's come up here
to rub my face in it,

and the worst part is there's
nothing I can do except let her.

- Hi guys.
- Hi.

Who owns the silver Jag?

Men!

What's that all about?

Nothing, what do you want Kirk?

Oh, I just came over to ask you
guys if you were doing anything tonight.

I don't think so, why?

Well, Cindy and I would like to
invite the two of you over for dinner.

- Over where?
- To my caf?.

You're having a
dinner party at your caf??

Yes, Dick imagine that,
someone actually serving

a dinner at a restaurant.

Well, I think it
sounds nice, don't you?

Yeah.

Great, I'll tell
Cindy you can't wait.

You know, this is gonna be the
first dinner party I've ever had.

Before I met Cindy I never felt
like sharing but now I guess I,

I feel like returning
all the warmth and kindness

that everyone over
here has shown me.

Well, that's nice Kirk.

Oh, by the way, uh,
it's just the four of us,

so mums the word to George
and Stephanie.

Excuse me, is that fresh coffee?

Yes, it is.

Uh, would you like some?

You read my mind,
with just a kiss of cream.

A big kiss or a little kiss?

A peck.

A peck of cream.

- We just love your inn.
- Oh thank you.

We've only been here
for a couple of hours,

but I already feel like
this is our home.

I feel the same way.

Uh, where's Mr. Kingston?

Oh, he just stepped out
to soak up the fresh air.

Please, call us Ted and Tish.

Tish, is that short
for something?

Tisha.

Hi, you said you wanted
to talk and I couldn't see

any way of putting it off
so here I am.

Well, I'm sure you two have
a lot of reminiscing to do.

I'll just, uh, go in my study
and, you know, write a book.

He seems nice.

Oh, he is, Dick
and Joanna both are.

Well enough of them.
Let's talk about us.

Oh, poor Stephanie.

Really Tish, you don't
have to feel sorry for me.

- But I want to.
- Well, don't.

So tell me the truth,
how have you been?

I've been fine, really.

I heard about you and
Carl, I'm so sorry.

You know people back home
would ask me

what happened to Stephanie?

They'd heard that
you'd run off to some

God forsaken hamlet in Vermont.

And I said, well, I don't know
but I do know Stephanie

and I can't believe
she'd do that.

Ha, ha, boy, don't
I feel the fool.

It must get tiresome.

Speaking of people back home,
you should have seen our wedding.

Everyone was there.

Oh, I could have spanked myself
not sending you an invitation.

It was the wedding
you always dreamed of.

Did you look nice?

Would you like me
to bring down the pictures?

No, I'm afraid I might
spill something on them.

Well, I had the most
gorgeous dress.

It was ivory satin with
an antique lace bodice

with this flowing 15 foot train.

It was absolutely magnificent.

So you went ahead
and wore white, huh?

Yes.

Well, it certainly sounds
like a lovely wedding.

Lovely and huge.

I'm so lucky, Stephanie,
I've got everything

that all of us ever wanted.

Well, then the surgery
was worth it, wasn't it?

It's absolutely
beautiful up here.

Who wants to go for
a drive with me?

Looks like Tish
is wagging her tail.

I'll get my coat.

We'll see you later, Stephanie.

Can't wait.

Hey there.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh, by the way, your car
was under a tree

and I was afraid of birds
so I moved it.

Oh, thanks.

Boy, you have some great car.

Pushes real nice.

I think I'm gonna
go up to my room.

Is everything all right?

I'm a little depressed.

Did you ever have a situation
where you could have

had something and you gave
it up and now you regret it?

No.

Entr?e vous.

Stephanie Joanna wanted...

Stephanie?

Stephanie, uh, Joanna
wanted me to tell you

we'll be over at Kirk's.

Oh, okay.

Are you looking for something?

No, I'm a little depressed.

Anything I can do to help?

I don't think so.

I don't believe this room.

Oh, that's right,
you've never seen it.

Why aren't these clothes in,
in your closet?

Because my shoes
are in my closet.

Dick...

Can I ask you something?

Yeah, sure.

I was just thinking.

What if it turns out that
Ted was the right guy for me?

What if I never find
anyone else?

And I spend the rest
of my life alone and miserable

and living in this room.

I really don't think
that's gonna happen.

How can you be sure?

'Cause I think
these clothes are gonna

run you out of this room.

I'm sorry, I, I understand
how you feel, you're,

you're upset because you,
you see somebody else with,

with something that,
that you thought you wanted.

And, I know this is gonna
sound clich?, but I,

you're still young,

you have your whole
life ahead of you.

Yeah?

Well, if you promise never
to repeat this,

I'm gonna tell you
something that no one

in the world knows
outside of my own family.

What's that?

I'm not as young as you think.

How, uh, how young are you?

How young do you think I am?

Twenty two, twenty three.

Do you really think
I'm that young?

- That's what I guess.
- Oh.

Well, okay, then I am.

But it still doesn't
keep me from being depressed.

Stephanie, I'm sure
someday you'll...

you'll meet a guy that,
that you're crazy about and,

and your whole life will,
will change.

If only it could happen
while Tish is here.

I have to get going, but, uh,

try to cheer up, okay?

Come in.

Hi.

Oh, it's you.

Tish is in getting ready
so we can go out for dinner.

I was wondering if
we could talk.

Sure, what about?

I just wanted to tell you how
great it was finding you here.

I guess it's inevitable.

Seeing you has stirred up
a lot of old feelings.

Yeah, well, for me it
seeing you and Tish

stirred up a lot of new ones.

I think you should know
that if I had thought

there was a chance with you, I
never would have married Tish.

What?

And once more, if I thought
there was still a chance,

I don't think I could
stay with her.

I can't believe you said that.

Why?

Because you just got married.

You can't be serious.

I'm not, that's why
I'm interested in you.

I can't believe
I'm hearing this.

Stephanie, you can't say
we didn't have

great times together.

Remember those drives we used
to take along the coast?

Remember how we used to stop
and have those

in-depth conversations?

Remember what we used
to talk about?

Not really.

But you do remember
they were in depth.

Oh, yeah.

If you and I were back together

I could take care of you.

I just don't understand
how you could be saying

this to me when
you're married to Tish.

Let's face it, Tish is shallow.

So am I.

Yeah, but you're blonde.

True.

Listen, I've got to run,
we have dinner reservations.

Think about it, huh?

You'd really leave her for me?

My feelings for you run so deep

I'd dump her so fast she
wouldn't know what hit her.

It's so nice to see you guys.

I really did want to have you over to my
place, but I've only got a table for two.

No, this, this is fine, really.

I offered to cook
but Kirk insisted

that he do everything himself.

He's so excited.
I think it's kind of sweet.

Well, how's everybody doing?

- Just fine.
- I hope you're hungry.

We are.

Well, then, why don't
we all take a look at these

and decide what we want.

We're ordering from the menu?

Honey, I thought you were
making us chicken or something.

I have chicken on the menu.

Oh, this is all right.
Actually it's kind of fun.

I've never ordered at
a dinner party before.

I guess I'll have
the Salisbury steak.

Mm-hmm.

And I'm gonna have the beef dip.

Excellent.
Would you like soup or salad?

- I'll have the soup.
- I'll have salad.

Your dinner doesn't
come with salad.

Honey, uh, if Dick wants a salad

I think you should make him one.

Oh, that's true
I'm not charging him.

But you're getting
the Italian dressing.

What's the cluck in a bucket?

It's boneless breast
of chicken and French fries

in a red plastic basket.

I guess I'll have that.

It says here there's
a choice of vegetables.

Yeah, peas.

- All you have is peas?
- Yeah.

- Then what's the choice?
- Do you want them or not?

- Oh, I guess I'll have them.
- Great.

Darling, why don't
you go put on some music

while I go fire up the grill.

We're closed.

- What?
- Oh honey, it's George.

Go away, George, we're closed.

Is everything okay at the inn?

Oh, sure, everything's fine it's just
that I couldn't find anything to eat

and I thought maybe I could
get a hamburger to go.

Oh, George.

Okay. I'm sorry.

I didn't realize, George,
you didn't have dinner.

Wait outside and
I'll fry you a hamburger.

- Thanks.
- George, get back here.

You can have dinner with us.

Are you sure?

Wait a minute,
I planned this for four.

You haven't planned anything,
we're ordering from menus.

I don't want to butt in.

Don't be silly,
you're going to sit down

with us and eat dinner.

Ha, ha, where do you
propose to put him?

Well, pull another table over
here and he can sit here.

Oh, fine.
Let him stay.

You're pathetic, you know that?

Hi, guys.

Oh, for crying out loud.

I'm sorry if I'm interrupting.

What are you people, babies?
You can't eat by yourselves?

I didn't come over here to eat,

I came over here to talk.

Well, talk to them,
I have to go cook.

Stephanie, what's the matter?

Ted, he just came
into my room and proposed.

- What?
- Who's Ted?

He's an old
friend of Stephanie's.

He just started talking about
how great we were together

and he said if I was
still interested

he was still interested.

This is crazy,
this man's on his honeymoon.

How can this be?

I guess he's not
having a good time.

What did you tell him?

I didn't tell him anything.

I was so shocked, I didn't
know what to say.

You're not actually considering
going with him, are you?

Of course not.

I'm just trying to decide
whether or not I should tell Tish.

- Who's Tish?
- Ted's wife.

I mean knowing something
like this could

absolutely destroy her.

Then again it does seem like
kind of a lousy thing to do.

Stephanie, I can't believe
you'd tell her just to get even.

- You can't?
- You wouldn't, would you?

I don't know.
I'm torn.

I can't deny there's
a part of me that

would love to burst her bubble.

On the other hand, she is
my best friend and as much

as I hate her, I really
don't want to see her hurt.

So what, what do you
think you're gonna do?

I'm not sure.

Well, listen would you like
to have something to eat

while you're thinking about it?

I guess so.

You know even in
the midst of wrestling

with this terrible problem,
I was wondering

who was going to make my dinner.

Here we go, soup
and salad for five.

Kirk, Stephanie's staying too.

Alrighty.

Honey, how's, how's
this for the thank you note?

Dear Kirk, thanks for dinner,
Dick and Joanna.

This is it?

Honey, what am
I supposed to say?

It was the worst dinner party
I've ever been to in my life.

Still I think you should say it was a
lovely evening and we had a wonderful time.

You're a real mountain of
of integrity, you know that?

- Good morning.
- Hi.

- We're checking out.
- Oh, so soon?

Yeah, we're headed
for the Caribbean.

Tish needs to be tanned.

Is, uh, Stephanie around?

Yeah, she's in the dining room.

I just wanted to say
goodbye. Excuse me.

- Hi, Stephanie.
- Oh, hi, Ted.

I just came to tell you
we're leaving.

You're kidding.

No, Tish got this sudden
yen for the Virgin Islands,

so we're taking off.

But before I left with her,

I wanted to check
with you first.

Did you think about
what I said last night?

Yeah.

What did you decide?

Thanks but no thanks.

I see, well, listen
you know where to reach me

if you change your mind.

Oh, Stephanie there you are.

I was looking for you
in all the bathrooms.

I was just telling her
we were leaving.

Well, why don't you go
and warm up the car

while Stephanie and I
say our good byes.

Oh, Stephanie it doesn't
seem fair to leave you here

struggling to make ends meet
like this while Ted and I

fly off to the Caribbean.

I mean it's fun, but it
just doesn't seem fair.

I'll be okay, Tish.

Well, you certainly have
blossomed into a wonderful maid.

Honestly, if they ever let you
go, I'll be glad to hire you.

You know Tish,
I wasn't gonna tell you this

but now I think I will.

- What's that?
- It's about you and Ted.

What about us?

I just...

I just want you to know...

I just want you to know

that I hope you'll
both be very happy.

Why, thank you Stephanie.

Do you really mean that?

I really do.

I think you deserve each other.

So, when do you think
we'll see each other again?

I couldn't say.

Well, great then,
we'll just play it by ear.

Thank you both, we had
a wonderful time.

Enjoy the rest
of your honeymoon.

- Well, really it's over.
- I guess that's true.

Listen, before I go, I left a little
something for you up in the room.

You left me a tip?

Oh, don't think of it as
a tip, think of it as charity.

Goodbye, Stephanie.

- Have a nice trip.
- Oh!