Newhart (1982–1990): Season 2, Episode 8 - The Man Who Came Forever - full transcript
A melodramatic marriage crisis of one of the townsfolk keeps interfering with Dick's book deadline.
- Did you call Dick?
- Yeah, he'll be here in a minute.
And I'll get the dinner.
- Boy, am I hungry.
- Me, too.
I never used to eat much,
but ever since I've been here,
I've been ravenous.
It's probably all the work
you've been doing.
I guess that's true.
I have been busy.
- Boy, that looks good.
- I hope so.
I never realized
how much there was to do
around a place like this
until I had to do it.
It can wear you out.
Oh, boy!
Mashed potatoes.
I'll get the rolls and gravy.
Thanks.
I'm just exhausted all the time.
I know what you mean,
it never ends.
Now, have I forgotten anything?
- The butter.
- Right.
I don't mind saying,
I could use a day off.
Who couldn't?
But in this business,
it's 7 days a week,
24 hours a day.
Ah, there,
that should be everything.
Look at this pot roast,
vegetables,
rolls, homemade gravy.
Joanna, do you think someday
when I meet the right guy
and get married,
that you could teach me
to teach whoever I hire
how to cook just like you?
Sure.
There you are.
How's the book coming?
Oh, not fast enough.
This is the last time I do
a book on such short notice.
It's impossible to write everything
you ever wanted to know about camping
in a week.
It just can't be done.
I'm sure you'll finish on time.
No, it won't, honey.
It can't be done.
- Where are you going?
- Back to work.
Dick, I hate to think of you
wolfing down dinner at your desk.
Wolfing is all I'm gonna
have time for tonight.
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
I don't mean to interrupt.
- Can we help you with something?
- Who do I see about a room?
Me, I guess.
I'm going that way anyway.
I'm not taking you away
from your dinner, am I?
No, you're taking me
away from my work.
My dinner is right here.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to seem grumpy.
It's just I'm very busy.
I'm not even completely
sure I need a room.
I mean, I need a room,
but I'm not sure I need it
for a whole night.
I don't mean that
the way it sounds.
See, I had a little spat
with my wife,
and I figured I better get out
and let things cool off.
So that would be a single room?
Uh, yeah.
First time in 19 years.
But it's no big deal.
She's probably calling
all over town for me.
She hasn't called
here yet, has she?
Holstead.
Marjorie Holstead?
- No, she hasn't.
- Oh, well.
Whether she calls me,
or I call her,
- it's no big deal.
- There you go, Mr. Holstead.
Top of the stairs,
third door on the right.
Great. I'm gonna
pay you now,
in case she calls,
and I end up leaving early.
How much was it?
- 35.
- Oh, good.
Oh, look, there's
my wife right there.
- She's a handsome woman.
- Yeah.
You should see her in color.
I'm sorry. Look.
I've got 20.
How much was that?
- 20.
- Oh, good.
That dinner looks great,
by the way.
I didn't even get any dinner.
- Hi, Dick!
- Hi, Kirk!
Oh, you want to talk
in your study.
No, I want to work in my study.
Listen, before you start,
what would you say
to you and me building
a miniature golf course?
I would say I'm very busy,
and good night.
Dick, pull your
head out of the sand
and listen to
the world around you.
People love miniature golf.
I have a book that's due
in four days.
I don't care.
Miniature golf is a gold mine.
Just think how it would sound.
The Stratford Inn, nestled
in a grove of maple...
The Stratford Inn, nestled in
a grove of maple trees,
just a stone's throw
from Dartmouth College,
featuring colonial decor
and 18 holes
of championship miniature golf.
- No, Kirk.
- Before you say no...
- I just said no.
- Let me get some brochures.
No.
- I'll bring 'em over tomorrow.
- No!
I'll be by at 8 in the morning.
- No!
- I'll see you at 8.
- Good morning.
- Hi.
- No breakfast?
- No time.
You can't write
on an empty stomach.
Yes, I can. Honey,
I'll have a big lunch.
I've got to get started.
And I mean it, no calls,
no interruptions.
I don't care if the inn
is burning down,
just throw a wet blanket over
me and let me keep working.
Morning!
Any word from my wife yet?
Morning, Mr. Holstead.
No, I'm sorry.
Oh.
Dick told me what happened.
I'm sorry, too.
You'll have to excuse me.
I have a book to write.
- Oh, you're a writer?
- Yeah.
Boy, I always wanted
to be a writer.
And a pilot, I really wanted
to be a pilot.
I really have to get to work.
What's the book about?
Camping.
Oh, I always wanted
to be a camper.
Well, I guess I'll be leaving.
I hope things work out
with you and your wife.
Oh, I'm sure they will.
We have our little tiffs like
everybody every once in a while.
You wouldn't know where
I can get some flowers
this early in the morning?
Gee, I don't know. I doubt
if the florist is open yet.
- Oh.
- Hi. Where's Dick?
I thought I'd stop by the house
before she left for work.
- Who?
- His wife.
Sure would help if I had
some flowers on me when I do.
- Take these.
- Those would be fine.
Oh, that's awfully nice.
You wouldn't have a card
to go with these.
What do you need a card for?
She'll know they're flowers.
Is Dick still sleeping?
- No, Kirk.
- Well, thanks anyway.
Gosh, this is a nice place.
Maybe I'll come back sometime.
- With your wife.
- Right. Good-bye.
- And good luck.
- Thanks!
Oh, and I'll return the vase.
Keep it.
- Is he in his study?
- You can't go in!
I'll tell him you
tried to stop me.
Kirk!
You're not gonna believe
how cheaply
we can get into miniature golf.
- Joanna?
- I tried to stop him.
No, she didn't.
Kirk, get out.
It's okay.
I can take care of it.
Kirk, get out.
Guess how absurdly little it
will cost to build a course.
- No.
- Guess, or I'm never leaving.
$5,000.
Get real, Dick.
$15,000.
We'll make that back
the first day.
- Get out!
- Just take a look
at some of these themes
we can choose from.
There's galactic golf,
there's daffy golf,
there's gorilla golf.
Kirk, it's a dumb plan.
We have snow on the ground
six months out of the year.
Polar golf.
And the other two months,
we have mud.
I don't have time to run it.
You don't have time to run it.
It's a stupid plan.
Are you saying
you're not interested?
- That's right.
- Well, I'm not giving up.
I'll build the course
without you.
Fine.
And I'm putting it
on your property.
You do, and I'll sue you.
Fine, you can
serve me the papers
on the windmill hole.
How did your meeting go?
Your husband is living
in the Stone Age.
Well, if you don't need me,
I'm off to do some shopping.
Before you go, did you
wash those bed spreads?
Why don't I just
buy some while I'm out?
Stephanie.
Joanna, do you realize
how long it's been
since I've gone shopping?
Not until you finish your work.
You don't understand,
I'm not someone who goes
shopping to get out of work,
and I don't go shopping
because I'm bored.
I go shopping, because...
I need to shop.
It's not that I don't want
you to go shopping,
It's just I want you
to understand priorities.
Do you wanna come with me?
That's not gonna work,
Stephanie.
No, I mean it,
I want you to come.
- Really?
- Yes.
Even if I come, you'd still
have to do your work first.
- I know.
- How quick can you finish?
- 20 minutes.
- What if I help you?
- Half that.
- Let's go.
- Hi, Dick.
- Hi, George.
- Getting some rolls?
- Yeah.
Yeah, rolls are great.
Are you gonna give me
a pension plan?
I really haven't thought
about it much.
Well, I'm just kind of
worried about my future.
Could we talk about this later?
We can't talk about it
too much later.
I'm not gonna have a future
if I don't start
planning for it.
I saw something
on TV last night.
Say want you want about TV,
but it can be pretty
darn informative.
I guess.
I'm just worried about
ending up all alone.
You won't be alone, George.
You have Joanna and I.
I know, but let's face it, Dick.
Any Sunday afternoon, you and
Joanna could go out for a drive.
A truck comes around a corner,
and, wham, I'm alone.
George, if you're really
that worried about it,
why don't you go down
to the bank
and talk to someone
down there about it.
That's their business,
planning for the future.
That's a good idea, Dick.
What would I do without you?
I guess you're gonna
find out at the bank.
Are you still out here?
I thought you'd be working.
I'm trying, but every time
I turn around,
somebody interrupts me.
If I could get 24 hours
with no distractions,
I'd be home free.
- Hi.
- Oh, no.
Mr. Holstead,
don't tell me you're back.
Funny, that's just
what Marjorie said.
- What happened?
- Honey, it's none of our business.
My whole life just fell apart.
I don't suppose this is
anything we can talk about
after I finish my book?
- Dick!
- I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be coming over here,
dumping all my problems
on you guys.
- Don't be silly.
- It's not silly.
Boy, I didn't realize
Marjorie was this angry.
Do you know what she called me?
An aimless, indecisive wimp.
Maybe you're just
taking it wrong.
Ed, do you know why
she called you that?
Because I've never
been able to decide
what I want to do in my life.
Now, her? Marjorie is a
career-orientated person.
She's a high-school principal.
Lots of responsibilities.
Very imposing woman.
You've seen her picture.
Boy...
But me?
I'm not like that.
No, I just kind of
go along, you know,
dreaming...
and selling suits.
Ed, there's nothing wrong
with being a suit salesman.
There is, if you really
want to be something else.
What is it you really
want to be?
Anything but a divorced
suit salesman.
Ed, maybe all she needs is
a little cooling off period.
Yeah. It's not like
I've been a bad husband.
I don't drink, I don't gamble,
I don't smoke, I'm reliable.
Boy, when she walks in
that door at night,
her dinner is on the table.
Where does she get off
being the injured party?
I'm the one who got yelled at.
I'm the one who's gonna need
a little time for cooling off.
Well, maybe so.
Yeah, maybe it's good
this happened.
Ho, ho, ho.
Yes, siree.
Maybe I'm even glad it happened.
It's about time I realized
that Marjorie and
I have just grown apart.
I'm going to my room.
And if she calls,
you can tell her for me
I'll be right over.
Dick?
George, is this
really important?
I'm very busy.
Okay.
Honey?
Joanna, is this a conspiracy?
Nobody wants me
to finish this book?
Now, Dick, that's not fair.
We have tried
to leave you alone.
But now George is
back home from the bank
where you sent him.
He just wants to talk
to you for five minutes.
- And you told him I would.
- For five minutes.
Good old George?
All right.
Get him in here.
Okay. George?
I'll leave you two alone.
Thanks, honey.
Joanna told me
you didn't really mean it
when you said you were busy.
How'd things go at the bank?
Pretty good.
They took my life savings
and put them in a new account
that earns a higher interest.
That sounds good.
You know, Dick, the man
at the bank said that,
over the course of a lifetime,
the average person earns
over $400,000.
I think I've heard that.
And he said that
the average person
ought to save about
ten percent of that.
That's $40,000.
- And how much have you saved?
- 600.
He said, at the rate I'm going,
I probably shouldn't think
about retirement in my lifetime.
George, maybe you should think
about saving a little more.
That's what the man
at the bank said.
I guess I could cut back
on a few things.
I know I spend
a fortune on nails.
George, anything
you spend on the inn,
I'd reimburse you for.
Really?
I've been buying things
for the inn
ever since you came here.
You don't suppose
you owe me $40,000?
No, George.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you figure out what
you can put aside every week,
and whatever that is,
I'll match it.
You'd do that?
I was going to give you a raise.
We'll just call it your raise.
Boy, that sounds
like a great idea.
Gee, thanks, Dick.
It sure takes
a load off my mind.
I'm glad.
Now every time you and Joanna
go out for a drive on Sundays,
I can breathe easy.
Dick, I know you're up
to your ears in work...
Who isn't?
But I thought you'd like to know
that there are men outside
with a bulldozer and a windmill.
I'm going to kill Kirk.
Dick, did you know that
there are men out there...
I heard.
Hey, get off that bulldozer!
George, go out and tell him
we don't want
a miniature golf course.
A miniature golf course?
- George.
- Okay.
Kirk!
Don't turn away,
I know you can hear me!
You get in here this instant,
or I'll hire that bulldozer
to mow down your cafe.
Is he coming?
Of course he's coming,
that was a great threat.
What is it?
What in the world
do you think you're doing?
Why are you so upset? I told
you I was gonna do this.
- Are you crazy?
- Just calm down.
Give me $14,000,
and we'll both be rich.
Get those men outta here,
or I'll call the police.
Look, I can't have
these people leave now,
or I'll lose my $500 deposit.
Get them out of here.
You're the most unbending
man in the world.
- Now, Kirk.
- Okay, fine.
But from this moment on,
our friendship is over.
He's really nuts, isn't he?
Yeah.
Just as a matter of curiosity,
what is a miniature golf course?
Well, a miniature golf
is a golf course
that's very...
small, and, uh...
you putt these
colored golf balls
through a windmill
and a dinosaur
and a loop-de-loop.
Why?
No one knows.
- Hi.
- Hi, Ed.
Oh, what are you doing here?
I thought you checked out.
I checked back in.
Oh!
Uh, in that case,
why don't you loiter in
the lobby for a few minutes,
and I'll run up and
throw your room together.
Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy.
- Rough day?
- Boy.
I don't want
to seem insensitive,
but I have a book to write.
Is that that same book, Dick?
As this morning? Yeah.
You are a lucky guy.
Yeah, I know that.
Well, I gotta get started.
You've got this beautiful inn,
a real career,
a wife who likes you,
a reason to live.
Did something else
happen today, Ed?
I told my boss that
Marjorie had thrown me out.
He said, if I let it affect
my work, he'd fire me.
Then I tried calling
Marjorie at the school,
but she wouldn't take my calls.
I even went down
to the school cafeteria.
I thought I'd catch her
at lunch.
She must have eaten
in her office.
Sat through both meal periods.
By the way, we're not having
fish sticks for dinner, are we?
- No.
- Oh, that's one good thing.
I'm sorry about all this, Ed.
Well, I'm sure eventually
things will work out.
You'll just have to have me
mope around here
a little while longer.
You know you can stay here
as long as you want.
Oh, thanks.
- No, he can't.
- What?
I don't think this is
the best place for him.
There's nothing I hate
more than butting in
to other people's
personal problems.
I welcome it.
You say your marriage
is in trouble because
your wife thinks you're a wimp.
You want to know something?
- You are a wimp.
- Oh.
- Dick!
- No, no, he's right.
Go on, Dick, lay it on.
I need this.
Look, you want
your wife back, right?
More than being a stunt man.
- Then tell her that.
- She won't talk to me.
Then go see her.
Go to your house and say,
"Marjorie, we're never gonna
solve our problems,
"with you here and me
over at the Stratford.
"My marriage means a lot to me,
and you're not gonna
ruin it."
Oh, I could never
say that to Marjorie.
Why not?
I can't talk and
dodge dishes at the same time.
Then don't try to talk.
Take a dish and throw it
back at her.
Dick!
I'm trying to tell him
to stand up to her.
- Wish I could.
- You can.
- You really think so?
- Yes.
- You'll go with me?
- No.
Why not?
Because she wants him
to be strong.
Being strong is not bringing
two friends along with you.
We could wait in the car.
I have a book to write.
I promise I won't keep you.
With you there,
I know I won't chicken out.
What do you say, honey?
Please, Dick?
This is stupid.
But if it'll help, fine.
Let's go and get it over with.
Okay! We can't,
she's not home.
- When will she be home?
- Oh, I don't know.
With Marjorie's schedule,
you can never tell.
It could be anytime
from 7 to 7:10.
Okay, that's it.
We go to your house 7 or 7:10.
Now I have got to get
some work done on my book.
Don't take him wrong, Ed.
He's a wonderful guy.
He'd do anything for people.
It's just that...
he has this thing
about his work.
Oh, I know what you mean.
I go through the same thing
with Marjorie.
This is good.
This feels like
this is the thing to do.
Ed, would you
quit bouncing up and down
- in the back seat?
- I'm sorry.
Neighborhood looks really good.
This is it!
- That's a pretty house, Ed.
- Yeah.
You see those two trees
in the front yard
and all those hedges
by the front porch?
Yeah.
They were all there
when we moved in.
Really, that's great.
- Well, this is it.
- Just remember, be strong.
Right.
You put 20 years
into this marriage,
and you're not gonna
give up on it now.
Right.
- Show her you're a man.
- Man. Got it.
Look, I don't know what
I would have done
without you two guys
in the last couple of days.
If I don't see you again,
I want you to know
I think you're terrific people.
Oh, thank you.
Dick, if you ever finish
that book of yours,
I'm gonna buy it.
That may be just the incentive
I've been looking for.
Good luck!
Well, there he goes.
Yeah.
Don't ring the bell!
Walk in!
- Well, he's in.
- Yeah.
I know you didn't want
to do this,
but I'm awfully glad you did.
At the rate Ed was going,
there was no telling
how long he'd be with us.
If it helps him
and saves a marriage,
I guess it was worth it.
- What are you doing back here?
- Oh, this isn't a good time.
What do you mean
it isn't a good time?
- What would be a good time?
- When she's alone.
Oh, Ed, I'm so sorry.
She didn't waste any time,
did she?
I guess not.
Well, two can play at this game.
I know who that guy is in there,
and I know how to get even.
- What are you gonna do?
- Nothing yet.
But wait till he needs a suit.
Oh, there you are.
I woke up,
and I couldn't find you.
Yeah, I wanted to be at
the post office when it opened.
You finished your book.
- At 4 this morning.
- Oh, Dick.
If it's any consolation,
I'm proud of you.
You had an almost impossible
task, and you did it.
I'll appreciate it more
when I get some sleep.
Freeze, Dick!
Tell her.
I'm going to bed.
Dick, listen.
I acted like a fool over
this miniature golf thing.
Our friendship means
too much to me.
I'm willing to let
bygones be bygones,
if you give me $250 for
your half of the deposit.
No.
Then our friendship is over!
- Wake you up around noon?
- Fine.
- Yeah, he'll be here in a minute.
And I'll get the dinner.
- Boy, am I hungry.
- Me, too.
I never used to eat much,
but ever since I've been here,
I've been ravenous.
It's probably all the work
you've been doing.
I guess that's true.
I have been busy.
- Boy, that looks good.
- I hope so.
I never realized
how much there was to do
around a place like this
until I had to do it.
It can wear you out.
Oh, boy!
Mashed potatoes.
I'll get the rolls and gravy.
Thanks.
I'm just exhausted all the time.
I know what you mean,
it never ends.
Now, have I forgotten anything?
- The butter.
- Right.
I don't mind saying,
I could use a day off.
Who couldn't?
But in this business,
it's 7 days a week,
24 hours a day.
Ah, there,
that should be everything.
Look at this pot roast,
vegetables,
rolls, homemade gravy.
Joanna, do you think someday
when I meet the right guy
and get married,
that you could teach me
to teach whoever I hire
how to cook just like you?
Sure.
There you are.
How's the book coming?
Oh, not fast enough.
This is the last time I do
a book on such short notice.
It's impossible to write everything
you ever wanted to know about camping
in a week.
It just can't be done.
I'm sure you'll finish on time.
No, it won't, honey.
It can't be done.
- Where are you going?
- Back to work.
Dick, I hate to think of you
wolfing down dinner at your desk.
Wolfing is all I'm gonna
have time for tonight.
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
I don't mean to interrupt.
- Can we help you with something?
- Who do I see about a room?
Me, I guess.
I'm going that way anyway.
I'm not taking you away
from your dinner, am I?
No, you're taking me
away from my work.
My dinner is right here.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to seem grumpy.
It's just I'm very busy.
I'm not even completely
sure I need a room.
I mean, I need a room,
but I'm not sure I need it
for a whole night.
I don't mean that
the way it sounds.
See, I had a little spat
with my wife,
and I figured I better get out
and let things cool off.
So that would be a single room?
Uh, yeah.
First time in 19 years.
But it's no big deal.
She's probably calling
all over town for me.
She hasn't called
here yet, has she?
Holstead.
Marjorie Holstead?
- No, she hasn't.
- Oh, well.
Whether she calls me,
or I call her,
- it's no big deal.
- There you go, Mr. Holstead.
Top of the stairs,
third door on the right.
Great. I'm gonna
pay you now,
in case she calls,
and I end up leaving early.
How much was it?
- 35.
- Oh, good.
Oh, look, there's
my wife right there.
- She's a handsome woman.
- Yeah.
You should see her in color.
I'm sorry. Look.
I've got 20.
How much was that?
- 20.
- Oh, good.
That dinner looks great,
by the way.
I didn't even get any dinner.
- Hi, Dick!
- Hi, Kirk!
Oh, you want to talk
in your study.
No, I want to work in my study.
Listen, before you start,
what would you say
to you and me building
a miniature golf course?
I would say I'm very busy,
and good night.
Dick, pull your
head out of the sand
and listen to
the world around you.
People love miniature golf.
I have a book that's due
in four days.
I don't care.
Miniature golf is a gold mine.
Just think how it would sound.
The Stratford Inn, nestled
in a grove of maple...
The Stratford Inn, nestled in
a grove of maple trees,
just a stone's throw
from Dartmouth College,
featuring colonial decor
and 18 holes
of championship miniature golf.
- No, Kirk.
- Before you say no...
- I just said no.
- Let me get some brochures.
No.
- I'll bring 'em over tomorrow.
- No!
I'll be by at 8 in the morning.
- No!
- I'll see you at 8.
- Good morning.
- Hi.
- No breakfast?
- No time.
You can't write
on an empty stomach.
Yes, I can. Honey,
I'll have a big lunch.
I've got to get started.
And I mean it, no calls,
no interruptions.
I don't care if the inn
is burning down,
just throw a wet blanket over
me and let me keep working.
Morning!
Any word from my wife yet?
Morning, Mr. Holstead.
No, I'm sorry.
Oh.
Dick told me what happened.
I'm sorry, too.
You'll have to excuse me.
I have a book to write.
- Oh, you're a writer?
- Yeah.
Boy, I always wanted
to be a writer.
And a pilot, I really wanted
to be a pilot.
I really have to get to work.
What's the book about?
Camping.
Oh, I always wanted
to be a camper.
Well, I guess I'll be leaving.
I hope things work out
with you and your wife.
Oh, I'm sure they will.
We have our little tiffs like
everybody every once in a while.
You wouldn't know where
I can get some flowers
this early in the morning?
Gee, I don't know. I doubt
if the florist is open yet.
- Oh.
- Hi. Where's Dick?
I thought I'd stop by the house
before she left for work.
- Who?
- His wife.
Sure would help if I had
some flowers on me when I do.
- Take these.
- Those would be fine.
Oh, that's awfully nice.
You wouldn't have a card
to go with these.
What do you need a card for?
She'll know they're flowers.
Is Dick still sleeping?
- No, Kirk.
- Well, thanks anyway.
Gosh, this is a nice place.
Maybe I'll come back sometime.
- With your wife.
- Right. Good-bye.
- And good luck.
- Thanks!
Oh, and I'll return the vase.
Keep it.
- Is he in his study?
- You can't go in!
I'll tell him you
tried to stop me.
Kirk!
You're not gonna believe
how cheaply
we can get into miniature golf.
- Joanna?
- I tried to stop him.
No, she didn't.
Kirk, get out.
It's okay.
I can take care of it.
Kirk, get out.
Guess how absurdly little it
will cost to build a course.
- No.
- Guess, or I'm never leaving.
$5,000.
Get real, Dick.
$15,000.
We'll make that back
the first day.
- Get out!
- Just take a look
at some of these themes
we can choose from.
There's galactic golf,
there's daffy golf,
there's gorilla golf.
Kirk, it's a dumb plan.
We have snow on the ground
six months out of the year.
Polar golf.
And the other two months,
we have mud.
I don't have time to run it.
You don't have time to run it.
It's a stupid plan.
Are you saying
you're not interested?
- That's right.
- Well, I'm not giving up.
I'll build the course
without you.
Fine.
And I'm putting it
on your property.
You do, and I'll sue you.
Fine, you can
serve me the papers
on the windmill hole.
How did your meeting go?
Your husband is living
in the Stone Age.
Well, if you don't need me,
I'm off to do some shopping.
Before you go, did you
wash those bed spreads?
Why don't I just
buy some while I'm out?
Stephanie.
Joanna, do you realize
how long it's been
since I've gone shopping?
Not until you finish your work.
You don't understand,
I'm not someone who goes
shopping to get out of work,
and I don't go shopping
because I'm bored.
I go shopping, because...
I need to shop.
It's not that I don't want
you to go shopping,
It's just I want you
to understand priorities.
Do you wanna come with me?
That's not gonna work,
Stephanie.
No, I mean it,
I want you to come.
- Really?
- Yes.
Even if I come, you'd still
have to do your work first.
- I know.
- How quick can you finish?
- 20 minutes.
- What if I help you?
- Half that.
- Let's go.
- Hi, Dick.
- Hi, George.
- Getting some rolls?
- Yeah.
Yeah, rolls are great.
Are you gonna give me
a pension plan?
I really haven't thought
about it much.
Well, I'm just kind of
worried about my future.
Could we talk about this later?
We can't talk about it
too much later.
I'm not gonna have a future
if I don't start
planning for it.
I saw something
on TV last night.
Say want you want about TV,
but it can be pretty
darn informative.
I guess.
I'm just worried about
ending up all alone.
You won't be alone, George.
You have Joanna and I.
I know, but let's face it, Dick.
Any Sunday afternoon, you and
Joanna could go out for a drive.
A truck comes around a corner,
and, wham, I'm alone.
George, if you're really
that worried about it,
why don't you go down
to the bank
and talk to someone
down there about it.
That's their business,
planning for the future.
That's a good idea, Dick.
What would I do without you?
I guess you're gonna
find out at the bank.
Are you still out here?
I thought you'd be working.
I'm trying, but every time
I turn around,
somebody interrupts me.
If I could get 24 hours
with no distractions,
I'd be home free.
- Hi.
- Oh, no.
Mr. Holstead,
don't tell me you're back.
Funny, that's just
what Marjorie said.
- What happened?
- Honey, it's none of our business.
My whole life just fell apart.
I don't suppose this is
anything we can talk about
after I finish my book?
- Dick!
- I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be coming over here,
dumping all my problems
on you guys.
- Don't be silly.
- It's not silly.
Boy, I didn't realize
Marjorie was this angry.
Do you know what she called me?
An aimless, indecisive wimp.
Maybe you're just
taking it wrong.
Ed, do you know why
she called you that?
Because I've never
been able to decide
what I want to do in my life.
Now, her? Marjorie is a
career-orientated person.
She's a high-school principal.
Lots of responsibilities.
Very imposing woman.
You've seen her picture.
Boy...
But me?
I'm not like that.
No, I just kind of
go along, you know,
dreaming...
and selling suits.
Ed, there's nothing wrong
with being a suit salesman.
There is, if you really
want to be something else.
What is it you really
want to be?
Anything but a divorced
suit salesman.
Ed, maybe all she needs is
a little cooling off period.
Yeah. It's not like
I've been a bad husband.
I don't drink, I don't gamble,
I don't smoke, I'm reliable.
Boy, when she walks in
that door at night,
her dinner is on the table.
Where does she get off
being the injured party?
I'm the one who got yelled at.
I'm the one who's gonna need
a little time for cooling off.
Well, maybe so.
Yeah, maybe it's good
this happened.
Ho, ho, ho.
Yes, siree.
Maybe I'm even glad it happened.
It's about time I realized
that Marjorie and
I have just grown apart.
I'm going to my room.
And if she calls,
you can tell her for me
I'll be right over.
Dick?
George, is this
really important?
I'm very busy.
Okay.
Honey?
Joanna, is this a conspiracy?
Nobody wants me
to finish this book?
Now, Dick, that's not fair.
We have tried
to leave you alone.
But now George is
back home from the bank
where you sent him.
He just wants to talk
to you for five minutes.
- And you told him I would.
- For five minutes.
Good old George?
All right.
Get him in here.
Okay. George?
I'll leave you two alone.
Thanks, honey.
Joanna told me
you didn't really mean it
when you said you were busy.
How'd things go at the bank?
Pretty good.
They took my life savings
and put them in a new account
that earns a higher interest.
That sounds good.
You know, Dick, the man
at the bank said that,
over the course of a lifetime,
the average person earns
over $400,000.
I think I've heard that.
And he said that
the average person
ought to save about
ten percent of that.
That's $40,000.
- And how much have you saved?
- 600.
He said, at the rate I'm going,
I probably shouldn't think
about retirement in my lifetime.
George, maybe you should think
about saving a little more.
That's what the man
at the bank said.
I guess I could cut back
on a few things.
I know I spend
a fortune on nails.
George, anything
you spend on the inn,
I'd reimburse you for.
Really?
I've been buying things
for the inn
ever since you came here.
You don't suppose
you owe me $40,000?
No, George.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you figure out what
you can put aside every week,
and whatever that is,
I'll match it.
You'd do that?
I was going to give you a raise.
We'll just call it your raise.
Boy, that sounds
like a great idea.
Gee, thanks, Dick.
It sure takes
a load off my mind.
I'm glad.
Now every time you and Joanna
go out for a drive on Sundays,
I can breathe easy.
Dick, I know you're up
to your ears in work...
Who isn't?
But I thought you'd like to know
that there are men outside
with a bulldozer and a windmill.
I'm going to kill Kirk.
Dick, did you know that
there are men out there...
I heard.
Hey, get off that bulldozer!
George, go out and tell him
we don't want
a miniature golf course.
A miniature golf course?
- George.
- Okay.
Kirk!
Don't turn away,
I know you can hear me!
You get in here this instant,
or I'll hire that bulldozer
to mow down your cafe.
Is he coming?
Of course he's coming,
that was a great threat.
What is it?
What in the world
do you think you're doing?
Why are you so upset? I told
you I was gonna do this.
- Are you crazy?
- Just calm down.
Give me $14,000,
and we'll both be rich.
Get those men outta here,
or I'll call the police.
Look, I can't have
these people leave now,
or I'll lose my $500 deposit.
Get them out of here.
You're the most unbending
man in the world.
- Now, Kirk.
- Okay, fine.
But from this moment on,
our friendship is over.
He's really nuts, isn't he?
Yeah.
Just as a matter of curiosity,
what is a miniature golf course?
Well, a miniature golf
is a golf course
that's very...
small, and, uh...
you putt these
colored golf balls
through a windmill
and a dinosaur
and a loop-de-loop.
Why?
No one knows.
- Hi.
- Hi, Ed.
Oh, what are you doing here?
I thought you checked out.
I checked back in.
Oh!
Uh, in that case,
why don't you loiter in
the lobby for a few minutes,
and I'll run up and
throw your room together.
Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy.
- Rough day?
- Boy.
I don't want
to seem insensitive,
but I have a book to write.
Is that that same book, Dick?
As this morning? Yeah.
You are a lucky guy.
Yeah, I know that.
Well, I gotta get started.
You've got this beautiful inn,
a real career,
a wife who likes you,
a reason to live.
Did something else
happen today, Ed?
I told my boss that
Marjorie had thrown me out.
He said, if I let it affect
my work, he'd fire me.
Then I tried calling
Marjorie at the school,
but she wouldn't take my calls.
I even went down
to the school cafeteria.
I thought I'd catch her
at lunch.
She must have eaten
in her office.
Sat through both meal periods.
By the way, we're not having
fish sticks for dinner, are we?
- No.
- Oh, that's one good thing.
I'm sorry about all this, Ed.
Well, I'm sure eventually
things will work out.
You'll just have to have me
mope around here
a little while longer.
You know you can stay here
as long as you want.
Oh, thanks.
- No, he can't.
- What?
I don't think this is
the best place for him.
There's nothing I hate
more than butting in
to other people's
personal problems.
I welcome it.
You say your marriage
is in trouble because
your wife thinks you're a wimp.
You want to know something?
- You are a wimp.
- Oh.
- Dick!
- No, no, he's right.
Go on, Dick, lay it on.
I need this.
Look, you want
your wife back, right?
More than being a stunt man.
- Then tell her that.
- She won't talk to me.
Then go see her.
Go to your house and say,
"Marjorie, we're never gonna
solve our problems,
"with you here and me
over at the Stratford.
"My marriage means a lot to me,
and you're not gonna
ruin it."
Oh, I could never
say that to Marjorie.
Why not?
I can't talk and
dodge dishes at the same time.
Then don't try to talk.
Take a dish and throw it
back at her.
Dick!
I'm trying to tell him
to stand up to her.
- Wish I could.
- You can.
- You really think so?
- Yes.
- You'll go with me?
- No.
Why not?
Because she wants him
to be strong.
Being strong is not bringing
two friends along with you.
We could wait in the car.
I have a book to write.
I promise I won't keep you.
With you there,
I know I won't chicken out.
What do you say, honey?
Please, Dick?
This is stupid.
But if it'll help, fine.
Let's go and get it over with.
Okay! We can't,
she's not home.
- When will she be home?
- Oh, I don't know.
With Marjorie's schedule,
you can never tell.
It could be anytime
from 7 to 7:10.
Okay, that's it.
We go to your house 7 or 7:10.
Now I have got to get
some work done on my book.
Don't take him wrong, Ed.
He's a wonderful guy.
He'd do anything for people.
It's just that...
he has this thing
about his work.
Oh, I know what you mean.
I go through the same thing
with Marjorie.
This is good.
This feels like
this is the thing to do.
Ed, would you
quit bouncing up and down
- in the back seat?
- I'm sorry.
Neighborhood looks really good.
This is it!
- That's a pretty house, Ed.
- Yeah.
You see those two trees
in the front yard
and all those hedges
by the front porch?
Yeah.
They were all there
when we moved in.
Really, that's great.
- Well, this is it.
- Just remember, be strong.
Right.
You put 20 years
into this marriage,
and you're not gonna
give up on it now.
Right.
- Show her you're a man.
- Man. Got it.
Look, I don't know what
I would have done
without you two guys
in the last couple of days.
If I don't see you again,
I want you to know
I think you're terrific people.
Oh, thank you.
Dick, if you ever finish
that book of yours,
I'm gonna buy it.
That may be just the incentive
I've been looking for.
Good luck!
Well, there he goes.
Yeah.
Don't ring the bell!
Walk in!
- Well, he's in.
- Yeah.
I know you didn't want
to do this,
but I'm awfully glad you did.
At the rate Ed was going,
there was no telling
how long he'd be with us.
If it helps him
and saves a marriage,
I guess it was worth it.
- What are you doing back here?
- Oh, this isn't a good time.
What do you mean
it isn't a good time?
- What would be a good time?
- When she's alone.
Oh, Ed, I'm so sorry.
She didn't waste any time,
did she?
I guess not.
Well, two can play at this game.
I know who that guy is in there,
and I know how to get even.
- What are you gonna do?
- Nothing yet.
But wait till he needs a suit.
Oh, there you are.
I woke up,
and I couldn't find you.
Yeah, I wanted to be at
the post office when it opened.
You finished your book.
- At 4 this morning.
- Oh, Dick.
If it's any consolation,
I'm proud of you.
You had an almost impossible
task, and you did it.
I'll appreciate it more
when I get some sleep.
Freeze, Dick!
Tell her.
I'm going to bed.
Dick, listen.
I acted like a fool over
this miniature golf thing.
Our friendship means
too much to me.
I'm willing to let
bygones be bygones,
if you give me $250 for
your half of the deposit.
No.
Then our friendship is over!
- Wake you up around noon?
- Fine.