Newhart (1982–1990): Season 2, Episode 7 - Lady & the Tramps - full transcript

What is it, Dick?

Oh, it's something
in the paper that's funny.

Here, read it.
It's a short paragraph.

George?

George, I'm gonna need you to
do some repair work in room four.

Oh, okay. I'll have
to finish this later.

Thank goodness those
people are checking out.

You mean the Klutz family?

Can't believe it.

They broke their water pitcher,

broke the light in the bathroom,
broke the door jamb



and spilled grape juice
on the bedspread.

They are absolutely
the clumsiest people

I've ever seen in my life.

Well, we're checking out.

Oh! Are you okay?

- I'm fine.
- Are you sure?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

Oh!

Sorry about that.

That's okay.

Here. Just put that
on our bill.

So what do we owe you?

Let's see. It's $35 for the room,
and

damages to the room, say, 40.



Let's figure $75.

Here's 100. That'll
take care of the sink, too.

Thank you very much.
Watch your step, honey.

Here. Let me
take your luggage.

That's okay.
I've got it.

Here. Let me
get the door for you.

Thank you. You folks
have been swell. Goodbye.

- Bye-bye.
- Drive carefully.

Right.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

Oh, I hope those people
never come back.

This came off your door.

Sorry.

I'll get it.

Here, George.

I'd better get my toolbox.

Hello? Stratford Inn.

Yes, she is.
May I ask who's calling?

One second.

Stephanie, telephone.

- Who is it?
- John.

- John who?
- I don't know. He just said John.

Dick, in the future, could you
please try to get last names?

I'm on my way to the phone,

and I don't know if I'm gonna be
talking to a wonderful guy or a tuna.

Sorry.

Hi, John.

Oh, John, hi!
You lucked out.

Thursday night? I'm
looking forward to it. Why?

Oh. Well, can I ask
why you're breaking it?

Oh.

I see.

Uh-huh.

So Thursday night, you'll
actually be on your honeymoon.

Uh-huh.

Well, listen, I don't
want to let you keep me.

Well, have a nice ceremony
and thanks for calling. Bye.

Crud.

Someone you had a date
with is getting married?

Yes. John Pelham.

What's the matter?

John Pelham comes from

one of the oldest families
in New England.

He's in the top
of his class at Dartmouth.

He has charm, he has wit,
he has intelligence,

and tomorrow he's going
to have a wife.

Double crud!

Stephanie, you're acting
like you've been jilted.

Three minutes ago, you weren't
even sure who this guy was.

Well, now I remember
and now I'm heartbroken.

Look, Stephanie,
you may be disappointed,

but I'm sure John Pelham

isn't the only good
prospect at Dartmouth.

Well, he is.

Well, you don't know
everyone at Dartmouth.

Yes, I do.

Well, I think you're
being ridiculous.

Well, I think you're
being mean and insensitive.

- Stephanie!
- You don't understand.

Nobody in this inn understands.

What are you talking about?

Nobody in the whole world
understands anything about me.

I'm going for a walk

and I don't care what the
wind does to my complexion.

Oh, hi, Steph.

And you're no better
than the rest of 'em!

Problem?

Stephanie's just a little upset.

Can you believe she did that?

Honey, I'm sure
she's just going out

to, you know, cool off.

Well, that should be easy.
It's 28 degrees out there.

Hey, Joanna,
have you seen my toolbox?

Excuse me.

Dick, let me just say one word,

and if you're not interested,
I'll never mention it again.

I'm not interested.

The word is "Cannons".

Okay, you need more words.

All right, look,

what's the name of my cafe?
The Minuteman.

And you live in an historic inn
built in revolutionary days.

What could be more perfect

lining the walk between the
Stratford Inn and the Minuteman Cafe

than an authentic World War I
German cannons?

What in the world
are you talking about?

I'm talking about
beautifying our landscape

with a little artillery.

Cannons will attract
the curious.

Kids would get a kick
out of them.

They'd wanna sit on them.
We could charge 'em for that.

There is only one reason
I can think of

I would want a cannon right now.

Listen, if we're interested,

Gunther says we've got
to act quickly.

- Gunther?
- What do you say?

I am not buying a cannon.

You can't buy a cannon.
You have to buy six.

I'm not buying
a six-pack of cannons.

Okay, look,
I'll talk to Gunther.

- Maybe he'll let us buy one.
- One what?

Dick's thinking about
buying a cannon.

I really love snow.

It looks so peaceful
coming down.

It makes you think everything's
right with the world.

Hey, have you seen Stephanie?

I went to call her for dinner
and she's not in her room.

I'm sure she's around.

I've looked everywhere.
I can't find her.

Did anyone actually see her
come back from her walk?

No, but she must have come back.

Nobody would be out
in weather like this.

Oh, my God, Dick.
What if she's lost?

Now, wait a minute.
You know Stephanie.

She was angry and upset.
She probably went shopping.

Her purse is in her room.

Well, then maybe
she went for a drive.

No. Her car's
still out back.

What if she's out
in the woods somewhere

and she can't find
her way back home?

In a snowstorm, you could
lose all sense of direction.

Well, wait a minute.
Don't panic.

I mean, we don't even
know that she's lost.

And even if she is,
she couldn't possibly have gone very far.

You'd be amazed how far
you can go in a short time.

George is right. There's
no telling where she is.

Well, even if
she did go a long way,

I mean, she's dressed warmly.

I just hope she has good shoes.

Even if you're dressed warmly,
if you don't have the right shoes...

- George.
- Well, I can't help worrying, Dick.

Snow is a terrible thing.

We have got to find her.

Maybe Lucky could help
track her down.

Good idea, George.

Why don't you put him on a leash

while I get something of
Stephanie's for him to sniff?

Dick, you call the police.

- What?
- Hurry, honey.

Honey, I don't think you
can report someone missing

when they've only
been gone three hours.

Well, you can ask them
to keep an eye out for her.

Dick, I just spoke to Gunther.

He says he's willing
to break up a set

and sell you only three cannons

providing you don't
tell everyone you know.

Kirk, will you please
forget about the cannon?

We have other problems.

- What's going on?
- We can't find Stephanie.

Did you look in her room?

You know, we never
thought of that.

Of course we looked in her room.

I tell you, she's missing.

Yeah, operator, could I speak
to the Constable, please?

I grabbed her pocket comb.
Did you reach anybody?

I'm holding for the Constable.

Hello, Constable?

Yeah, this is Dick Loudon
at the Stratford Inn.

I'm calling about our maid.

Well, we think
she's lost in the woods.

I don't want to panic,
but to be on the safe side,

would you out an all
points bulletin on her?

Well, then would you keep
an eye out for her?

Yes. Stephanie Vanderkellen,
blonde, in her twenties.

She was wearing a blue jacket.

She's been gone
since this afternoon,

so she may be a little blue
herself. Thank you.

He said he'd do some checking.

Get that dog away from me!

I forgot he didn't like you.

He hates me.

He was out in front of my cafe
the other day digging a hole,

and I know
he was digging it for me!

Here, George.
Give him Stephanie's comb.

Oh, okay. All right now.

Come on, Lucky. Sniff this
and look for Stephanie.

Sniff the comb... no, Lucky!

He ate it.

Wait a minute.

I'm gonna get one
of Stephanie's scarves.

Here, George. Use this.

Oh, now you don't eat this.
Just sniff, sniff.

Here, sniff, Lucky.
Come on, let's find Stephanie.

- Come on, Kirk.
- Come where?

You're gonna help us
find Stephanie.

Not with Cujo, I'm not.

Kirk, this is an emergency.

Okay, but I'm telling you
right now,

if that dog gets loose,
our friendship is over.

George, do you mind
if I hold the dog?

Help! I'm freezing!

Help! I'm freezing!

No bell.

Is anybody home?

If there's a God, please
let there be electricity.

Good, there's both.

Wait a minute.

Three chairs, three bowls,
three beds.

How far did I go?

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl.

This is my other brother Darryl.

I think she's hysterical.

That's okay. I'm fine.

Aah! Okay, now I'm fine.

I'm sorry. I'm lost.

I went for a walk
and it started snowing

and I couldn't find my way back.

- Where you from?
- Rhode Island.

Oh, you mean locally?

I live at the Stratford Inn.
I'm Stephanie Vanderkellen.

I hope you don't mind
my coming in here.

You're not gonna kill me
with that axe, are you?

Oh, no. We were out
chopping wood.

- What's in the bag?
- Nuts.

When we chop trees,
it scares the little squirrels.

When they come running out,
we feed 'em nuts.

Oh, that's sweet.

Shovel's to hit the squirrels
when they come out for the nuts.

Uh-huh. Well,
I'd better be going.

I thought you said
you were lost.

Well, I'm not anymore.

Well, I think you better
ask yourself which is worse,

getting out there in the storm
and maybe freezing

or staying here with us.

Well, as delightful
as that would be,

I really feel I should run
the risk of freezing to death.

Listen, thank you so much
for your hospitality.

Your place is lovely.
Goodbye.

Pretty little thing, ain't she?

There's something howling
out there,

and it's not the wind.

You wouldn't by any chance
have a puppy, would you?

No.

Maybe I'll just stay
until the snow lets up.

Here. Drink some of that.
It'll cut the chill.

Maybe later.

You hungry?

Starving.

What's your favorite part
of the squirrel?

Oh, gee, I'm not really
a squirrel person.

I think I'll just have
a small green salad,

a plain omelet,
whatever's easiest.

All we got is squirrel.

Then I'll starve.
Thank you.

You know, it's lucky
you found us.

If you'd gone deeper
into these woods,

you might have run into
some people

you might describe as,
well, off the beaten path.

Okay, you can warm
yourself over there.

I can't believe
she's out there somewhere

and we don't know where she is.

Honey, we can't look
any more tonight.

It's dark and it's snowing,

and we almost had
one casualty already.

Oh, George, how is he?

I think he's just
a little tired.

I'd better dry him off
before he catches cold.

I hope that scarf
doesn't make him sick.

Why didn't we try to stop her?

I feel like this is our fault.

Look, we just have to
believe that we'll find her

and she'll be fine.

Well, I don't know
about you two,

but I feel really
terrible about this.

In fact, I'm gonna call
Gunther right now

and tell him I don't feel
like haggling anymore.

It's one cannon or nothing.

- Excuse me.
- Evening, Constable Mike.

Hey, when are you gonna take
care of those parking tickets?

Check's in the mail.

I'm Mike Peterson, Constable.

- Oh, yes.
- Found your missing girl?

No. We were searching out
in the woods for about an hour.

Well, I've been doing
some checking myself

and no one's seen her.

Under the circumstances,

maybe we'd better organize
a search party for the morning.

Constable, this girl has never
been in the woods before.

She doesn't know how
to take care of herself.

She can't think clearly.

She's a totally helpless
human being.

I thought you said
she was your maid.

She is.

Do we have to wait till
morning for a search party?

Now, Mrs. Loudon,
take it easy.

People have been known
to survive

days at a time in the cold
without food, without shelter,

without anything
but the will to live.

When pushed to the limits,

human beings can withstand
incredible hardships.

Anyway, I went to Cornell
for a year.

I was a KKG, Kappa Kappa Gamma.

It was fun for a while,

but I finally decided
it just wasn't me.

I mean, KKG was me,
but Cornell was ugh.

Fortunately, my parents were
leaving on a cruise at the time,

and even though the Greek Isles
are incredibly boring,

I went along.

Well, how much of this
do you really wanna hear?

Why don't you tell me
about yourselves?

Not much to tell.

When Darryl here was seven,
he tried to ride a porcupine.

He ain't spoken since.

You sure you won't have
something to eat?

Well, I am starving.

- Mmm.
- Coffee?

No, I'm fine.

Well, I think I'll have some.

Darryl? Darryl?

I think the storm's
getting worse.

Really?

Oh, no. Ever since
I was a little girl,

I've been terrified of storms.

Something about the awesome
power of nature

and the terrible physical
destruction it can wreak.

Anything we can do?

Do you have any moisturizer?

You and your people
will take the east section.

We'll take the west
and work toward the middle.

Okay. So, Loudon,
you wanna come with us?

- Uh, yeah.
- What about you, George?

- Roger.
- Sorry. Roger.

Any word yet?

We just got the search
party put together.

- We've been up all night.
- I know what you've been through.

Believe me, I wanted to
stay up all night myself,

but I figured I could be more of a
help with a good 10 hours sleep.

All right, men, let's move out!

Dick, honey, be careful.

I will.

Hi. If you wanna join the
search party, just follow us.

Wait a minute.
That's her!

Oh, Stephanie,
you're safe! Thank God!

- That's the missing girl?
- Yeah.

Nice work, men!

Oh, Joanna,
I'm so happy to see you.

Oh, Dick, I'm so glad
to be back.

George, I think
I missed you most of all.

Well, my prayers
have been answered.

Listen, Constable, since you
and your men are here anyway,

why don't you come over to the
Minuteman Cafe for breakfast?

This will be Dick's and Joanna's
way of saying thank you.

Great! Come on, men.
Everybody over to Kirk's.

You coming, Roger?

No, I'm gonna stay here.

Are you all right?
Are you hurt?

Oh, no, I'm fine,
thanks to these guys.

- Hi. I'm Larry.
This is my brother Darryl...

I remember.

I found a cabin in the woods.

Oh, you poor thing.

You must have been
scared to death.

I mean, of the snow
and the cold and, you know.

It was horrible. I was
afraid I was going to die.

But they were so kind to me.

I don't know how
to thank you guys.

Yes, I do.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Stephanie, you have no idea
how worried we were.

You know, you guys may have
saved Stephanie's life.

I just wish
I could think of some way

to show you how much
we appreciate it.

A friendly handshake
would be enough for us.

It would?

Please, at least
go over to Kirk's

and have some breakfast on us.

Thank you.

Miss Stephanie, you're welcome
at our house any time.

I'll never forget you.

You're probably just saying
that, but thank you anyway.

And thank you again.

You really had us scared.

Do you want to sit down?

Believe me,
I don't mean to preach

because I'm just so glad
to have you home,

but I hope this whole experience
has taught you a lesson.

Don't worry. It has.

When I was lost out there,

so many things kept racing
through my mind.

Like why was I lost in the
woods in the first place?

Because I was upset
over a broken date.

I don't have to be hit
over the head.

I realized pretty quickly
that God had made it snow

to punish me for my shallowness.

And then in the clearing,

I found that little cabin
and those men,

and I saw how they lived.

I saw how they'd
learned to be happy

even without
material possessions,

and that's when I realized

what an incredible tragedy
that was.

What?

I mean, they didn't even
have wine glasses.

And I realized that if I didn't

stick to the things
that I believe in,

I could end up like them.

I'm not sure I follow.

Don't you see?
God wasn't punishing me.

God was sending me a message,

and the message was
keep going, Stephanie.

You're on the right track.

That's unbelievable.

Isn't it?
It's like a miracle.

Well, I'm not sure what to say

except I guess
the important thing

is that you're home
safe and sound.

No, Joanna. The important
thing is, I haven't changed.

Meow.