Newhart (1982–1990): Season 2, Episode 6 - Don't Rain on My Parade - full transcript

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Jim and Chester.

Jim and Chester who?

- Hi, Dick.
- Hi, Dick.

Oh, hi. Hi, guys.
I'm sorry.

I thought you were
a knock-knock joke.

Oh? Which one
did you think we were?

Never mind.

Never mind who?

Forget the joke.



Well, what can I do for you?

Well, as you probably know,

Thanksgiving is almost upon us.

Yeah, I think I heard
something about that.

Every year, this town has
a Thanksgiving Day parade.

About 30 of us put it together.

We get the Chamber of Commerce
to be in it, the Boy Scouts.

Some of the townspeople
dress up like Pilgrims.

We even have a float
featuring Plymouth Rock.

Although it's not
the real Plymouth Rock.

I didn't think so.

Oh, but don't say anything,

'cause not everybody knows that.

Anyway, you can probably guess



what we're leading up to.

You want me to be honorary
grand marshal or something?

No. We asked Bob Hope
to do that.

If he can't do it,
it's gonna be Lester Hodges.

He's the only one in town
with a convertible.

We wanted you
to be parade director.

Isn't this kind of late?

I mean, Thanksgiving,
you know, is next week.

Well, the parade
runs itself really.

We just need someone
to be in charge.

We thought since you
didn't have a regular job,

that you'd have time to do it.

Well, as surprising
as this may sound,

I'm busy working on
a book right now.

You are?

Gee, Dick,
we were counting on you.

I'm sorry.

I could do it.

Who did it last year?

Roger Bishop, but he wants
to be a Pilgrim this year.

I could do it.

What'd you say, George?

Oh, I was just saying
I could do it.

Well, now there's somebody

we never would have thought of.

George is a great choice.

I mean, he's lived here
all this life,

he knows the town, and I'll
make sure he has the time.

Well, what do you
think, Chester?

Well, the parade director

doesn't really
have to do anything.

That's true. He just
has to be able to wave.

I'm sure George could do that.

Well, that settles it then.

George, you're
our new parade director.

- Me?
- Congratulations.

We know you won't
take the job lightly.

Did you ever see a real
Thanksgiving Day parade, Dick?

When we lived in New York,
I saw the Macy's parade.

Oh, you're in for a treat.

The whole town looks
forward to it every year.

The only drawback

is that the people
who work on the parade

miss out on Thanksgiving dinner.

We do?

Well, after all that hard work,

there just isn't time to
put into a big fancy meal.

Well, maybe I'll just
have dinner with Bob Hope.

George, I don't think
Bob Hope is coming.

Why don't you all
get together, you know?

Have a group meal like
one of your potlucks.

Well, we would, but they
use the Fellowship Hall

to feed the poor,

and we can't think
of another place

big enough to hold all of us.

Well, the Stratford's
big enough.

Why don't you meet here?

Do you mean that, Dick?

Sure. We'll make
our own potluck.

You all bring a dish
and we'll cook the turkey.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, that's great.
Thanks a lot, Dick.

Boy, this was a good trip.

We got a parade director

and a Thanksgiving dinner
all in 10 minutes.

Let's go tell Joanna the news.

Joanna, you'll never believe it.

Jim and Chester came by
looking for someone

to direct
the Thanksgiving Day parade,

and guess who they picked.

Dick? Oh, honey, that's
wonderful. Congratulations.

Thanks. Actually,
they picked George.

Oh. George, that's
wonderful. Congratulations.

Well, thanks.
I'm gonna go tell Kirk.

Boy, is he gonna be surprised.

This is gonna be a proud day
for the Stratford.

I get to direct a parade
and then everyone

gets to come over here
for Thanksgiving dinner.

By the way,

I invited some people over
for Thanksgiving.

Yeah, that's what I heard.

Who did you invite?

Just the people
on the parade committee.

How many people is that?

Um, 30.

You invited 30 people
to Thanksgiving dinner

without even asking me?

Honey, don't be silly.
You're invited, too.

Look, it wasn't intentional.

It's just that Jim and Chester
were talking about

how nobody
on the parade committee

ever gets a chance
to have Thanksgiving dinner,

and I thought it was
a nice thing to do.

Besides, everybody's
bringing something,

so all we have to worry
about is the turkey.

Do you know how many turkeys
it takes to feed 30 people?

Actually, it's 30 couples.

60 people?

Unless they bring their kids.

Honestly, Dick, how many
people are we talking about?

Honey, you're right.

You know, thinking
about this some more,

it wasn't such a great idea.

I'm gonna call it off.

Wait. Wait a minute.
You can't uninvite people.

Well, why not?

Because it's rude
and thoughtless

and it'll sound like
it was my idea.

Face it, we're stuck,

and on my parents'
first visit here.

They're coming all
the way from Ohio

expecting a nice
little family dinner.

Honey, I didn't mean
to ruin Thanksgiving.

Congratulations, Dick.

You have ruined Thanksgiving.

How did I ruin
your Thanksgiving?

By inviting the whole town
over for dinner.

Every Thanksgiving, everyone
who didn't wanna cook

would come to the Minuteman.

Look, I'm sorry I messed
up everybody's holiday,

but inviting those people
seemed like a decent gesture.

I mean, Thanksgiving
is a time for giving,

and this year, we're giving.

Well, thanks.

Hi, hi.
Is your mother there?

Could I talk to her, please?

Stephanie, would you take
the stuffing out of this turkey

while I put another one
in the oven?

Sure.

How do I do that?

I'll put this one in
and then I'll show you.

Here, like this.

Huh?

- There.
- Done?

- Yeah.
- Thanks.

You're welcome.

This is Dick Loudon
at the Stratford Inn.

Yeah, I'm calling about
Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow.

Yes, we're looking
forward to it, too.

I'm just trying to coordinate
what everyone is bringing.

Well, what we need are potatoes.

No, not Tator Tots.
We were thinking mashed.

You're right.
The holidays are a pain.

But can we count on you?

Great. We'll see you
tomorrow. Goodbye.

Stephanie, if you wanna help,

maybe you could
wash those turkeys.

Hi, everybody.

Boy, it sure smells good
in here.

Really?
The smell of turkey

seems to have lost
its thrill for me.

Dick, I wanted to show you
my plans for the parade route.

Oh, fine.

I've given this a lot of
thought over the past week,

and this is what
I finally come up with.

Follow my finger.

The parade starts here
at the top of Main Street,

goes along here, along here,
along here, along here,

and here's where it ends.

- The end of Main Street.
- Yeah.

Boy, I can hear those bands
playing already, George.

I better make copies.

I don't want
anybody getting lost.

Stephanie, what are you doing?

You said to wash the turkeys.

I didn't mean
give them a shampoo.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I guess I misunderstood.

I'm not feeling very well.

What's the matter?

I don't know.

My head hurts, I feel woozy,

and looking at all
these dead turkeys

makes me wanna ralph.

All right. If you're
really not feeling well,

maybe you'd better go upstairs.

Okay.

Joanna, how long has
this turkey been in here?

A couple of hours. Why?

I don't think it's cooking.

You're kidding!

Oh, no!
I hope it's not the oven.

I don't know what
could be wrong with it.

Maybe it's sick of turkey.

Turkey men!

Oh, no! How many more
are there?

These are the last two.

I'll get it.

Everybody's looking
forward to tomorrow.

My wife said anyone who'd
cook Thanksgiving dinner

for 94 people must be a saint.

No. She said
they must be insane.

Honey, do you remember anything

about a group of 12
from Arizona?

Oh, that's right.
I completely forgot.

No, we didn't forget.
We're looking forward to it.

As luck would have it,

we are serving
Thanksgiving dinner.

Guys, we're gonna need
more turkeys.

- Say no more.
- Turkey men to the rescue!

Goodbye.
See you tomorrow.

I don't believe this.

We're gonna have
over 100 people here

for Thanksgiving dinner.

Honey, remember
those nights in Manhattan

when we used to sit
in our little apartment

and think about
how great it would be

to someday own a place
like this?

And how warm it would be

if it was always filled
with friends and family?

Yeah.

Well, we were wrong.

Just a little over normal.

How much over?

- 102.
- 102 degrees over normal?

No, your temperature's 102.

Oh, that's a little better.

I still think you
should really be in bed.

Oh, I hate being
in bed with the flu.

It makes me feel sick.
Ah-choo!

I'd rather be here
around people.

Stephanie, you can't
just lie here

in the middle of all the guests.

Oh, you're right.

I wouldn't want them
to see me like this.

I'll be in the kitchen
if you need me for anything.

I really do hate to leave
you with all this work.

- Don't worry about it.
- Okay.

Oh, Joanna, if you get a chance,

could you bring me up something
to make me feel better?

Sure. What do you need?

"Harper's Bazaar."

Maybe I'll bring you
something for your flu, too.

Whatever.

- Surprise!
- Surprise!

Oh, mom, dad!

Yep, it's the old folks!

How are you?

I didn't know it was raining.

Oh, I guess when you live
in a big mansion like this,

you don't hear the rain, huh?

Dad, this isn't a mansion.
It's just an inn.

Here, let me take your coats.

- Thank you.
- How was your trip?

Oh, fine. How come
you're not dressed?

Oh, she doesn't
have to be dressed.

They're living the life of Riley
now that they're retired.

Dad, we are not retired.

Now you know your father.
He's just teasing you.

Ernest, don't tease.

I'm sorry I look like this,

but things have been
a little hectic around here.

Our caretaker's gone,
one of the ovens is broken,

and now my maid's sick.

Oh, the problems of the rich.

Ernest!
Oh, darling, your place

is even more beautiful
than in the pictures.

You think so?

I really do.

I can't tell you how much

we've looked forward
to this little get-together.

Well, that's something
else I have to explain.

I really hate to tell you this

because I'm afraid
you won't understand.

Nonsense.
We're your parents.

We're having
some extra people over

for Thanksgiving dinner.

I'm sorry.

Well, nothing
we can do about it.

I'm sure it couldn't be helped.

Well, Ernest, why don't you take
our suitcases up to the room?

We do have a room, don't we?

Of course, you do.
Don't be silly.

You're my parents.

You have our most special room.

Room six.

Well, six is a nice number.

I know this isn't turning
out the way we planned.

It's okay.
We'll make the best of it.

You need some help
in the kitchen?

Oh, yes, I do, mother.

And you thought you weren't

going to have to cook
this year, hmm?

Joanna, who's the jerk

that parked in the middle
of the driveway?

Hello, Richard.

Oh, hi.

Hi, Dad.
When did you get here?

We pulled in
a couple of minutes ago.

Nice car.

Yeah.

- Oh, hi.
- What are you doing here?

I thought
you were at the parade.

It's been rained out.

Oh, no.
How's George taking it?

Well, not too well.

Last time I saw him,

he was walking down
Main Street kicking puddles.

What's that?

Stephanie's got the flu.

I was just taking this
up to her.

On top of that,
my parents arrived,

I haven't slept all night,

and I've still got
two more turkeys to cook.

Well, let me take the tray
while I tell you my news.

What?

Well, since the parade's
been rained out,

no one really has
anything to do, so...

Don't tell me
they're coming early.

- Yeah.
- How early?

Hello.

Dick, how could you
do this to me?

The food isn't ready
and I'm not even dressed!

Honey, calm down.
There's a way out of this.

- What is it?
- I have no idea.

Why don't you take
Stephanie's tray up to her

and bring me something to wear.

I'll go hide in the kitchen.

Did I hear Dick?

Yeah. The parade
got rained out,

and everybody's come early.

Oh, dear, and look at you.

Here are the dishes
you asked for.

Good. You got here
just in time.

Yeah. Can I use
your dishwasher?

You mean they're dirty?

Well, some of them.
They're mixed in together.

Oh, who's the senior citizen?

Kirk, this is my mother,
Florine McKenna.

Mom, this is our neighbor,
Kirk Devane.

- How do you do?
- Hi.

So you wanna take off your
rings and give me a hand?

Hi, Mom. Hi, Kirk.

Hi, Dick.

Well, here you go.

This is pants and a sweater.
It's Thanksgiving.

Honey, please go upstairs
and bring me my yellow dress.

Joanna, you look
so pasty in yellow.

Find me a dress.

Maybe something in red.

Fine.

Flo? Dishes?

Oh, hi, Dick.
Happy Thanksgiving.

Oh, hi, guys.

Where's Joanna? Still
working on those turkeys?

- Yeah.
- What are you doing?

Uh, you might say I'm helping
her with the dressing.

I see your guests have arrived.

Uh, yeah.

I guess you don't have time
to introduce me to anyone.

Oh, don't be silly.

Everybody, this is my
father-in-law Ernest McKenna.

Dad... this is everybody.

Mom, could you clear some
space so I could put this down?

It's okay. I can handle this
until you get back.

Hi, everybody.

Put on your coats.
It's the Rainmaker.

Be quiet and wash, Kirk.

Mom, this is our caretaker,
George Utley.

George, my mother.

Oh, it's nice to meet you.

If I seem sad,
it's because it just poured

on the greatest day of my life.

I'm sorry. I know
exactly how you feel.

George, why don't you go out
there and be with your friends?

They'll take your mind
off your troubles.

Maybe you're right.

Hi, Dick.

Hi, George.
Feeling low, huh?

Yeah.

Well, how's this?

Fine. Where are the shoes
and stockings?

You didn't say you needed them.

I didn't say I needed 100
people for Thanksgiving either,

but you thought of that.

Right.

Now is there anything else
you can think of

that isn't
readily apparent to me?

Her hair's a mess.

All right, a brush and comb.

Maybe a little lipstick,
you know, for color.

Hi. Me again.
Just keep mingling.

Dinner should be ready
in just a few hours.

Oh, good.

George, come meet
Joanna's father.

Howdy. George Utley.

Ernest McKenna. Joanna's
told us a lot about you.

Oh?

George was in charge
of our parade today.

Oh, you must be devastated.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Stephanie.

Why don't you come down
and join us?

I can't. I'm sick.

Oh.

Stephanie,
this is Joanna's father.

Ernest McKenna.
Nice to meet you.

Stephanie Vanderkellen.

I usually look
a lot better than this.

That's true.

Oh, Dick, would you take
my tray down for me?

In a minute.

Well, goodbye, everybody.

- Bye.
- Bye.

There.
That's the last one.

You're a terrific
dishwasher, Flo.

- Thanks.
- No, I'm serious.

If inflation ever eats up
your pension, come work for me.

Well, I hope this is everything.

So do I. Now everybody
get out so I can get dressed.

Come on, Flo. I'll introduce
you to the others.

Let's go mingle
with the bumpkins.

Joanna, can I get some... Oops!

So what do you think
of Vermont so far?

I haven't really seen anything
but Joanna's kitchen.

Oh. Isn't that beautiful?

Sorry, Dick.
I didn't know

Joanna was dressing
in the kitchen.

Oh, no.

Is there some place else
I could get a drink of water?

I'll get you one.

You want me to get that, Dick?

Uh, yeah, thanks.

Hello.
This is the Stratford Inn.

Can I help you?

Oh, gosh. Oh, dear.

Okay, I'll tell everybody.

Hey, everybody,
the river's rising!

They say if the storm keeps up,
there could be a flood!

Well, we all know
what that means.

Here's your water, Jim.

No time for water now, Dick.

- There could be a flood.
- What?

Yeah, the river's rising.
We have to go.

We have to start
sandbagging our homes.

Come on, everybody, hurry!
Time's a'wasting!

Wait a minute!
What about dinner?

No time for dinner, Dick.

Maybe we can do it next year.

But what about the 14 turkeys?

I'd better go see if I can help.

Wait a minute, George,
what about our place?

Oh, we're okay, Dick.
We're on high ground.

Well, everybody,
here I come at last.

Oh, perfect.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Happy Thanksgiving, honey.

What happened?
Where is everyone?

Honey, don't get upset.
They had to leave.

What do you mean
they had to leave?

I just spent seven days
cooking 14 turkeys.

Where the hell did they go?

The river's rising.

They had to go
and sandbag their homes.

- Oh.
- Feel better now?

No. This is terrible.

If you're worried
about the food,

I'll take it off your hands.

You're not getting our food.

Do you suppose there's any way

we could take all this food
around to everybody?

I don't know.
We can try.

Well, then let's do it.
You and Dad start carving.

Mom and I will start
dishing up the stuffing.

We'll make up turkey dinners

and take them around
to the whole town.

What a fine idea and
I'll be right behind you

hustling soft drinks.

Oh, good, you're back.
I was worried sick.

Yeah, we can tell.

How did it go?

Believe it or not, I think
we got food to everybody.

Everybody? We even fed
some Red Cross workers

who I'm sure had already eaten.

How are you feeling?

Better.

Well, it stopped raining.

It looks like everything's
gonna be okay.

Boy, what a day!

Mom, dad, we really
appreciate you helping us out.

We know it wasn't your idea
of a great Thanksgiving.

Are you kidding?

It's the best Thanksgiving
we ever had.

It was?

Yeah. I feel like

we really got into the
spirit of the season today.

I think we all realized we
have a lot to be thankful for.

And with that in mind,
let's eat.

My appetite's back.

Oh, mine, too.
I'm starved.

- Oh, no.
- What's the matter?

I just realized we don't
have anything to eat.

We gave all the food away.

You carved all those turkeys

and you didn't horde any for us?

What does it take
to teach you a lesson?

What we did today is what
Thanksgiving is all about.

It's also about eating
yourself into a coma.

Well, let's go look
in the kitchen.

Maybe we can
scrounge up something.

- Excuse me?
- Yes?

I've got a group of people
from Arizona on my bus.

Oh, that's right.
I almost forgot.

I know it's late, but do
you still have their rooms?

Of course we still have them.

Okay, folks, come on in.

We're surprised you
made it through the storm.

Me, too. It was touch
and go there for a while.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Thank you for holding
our rooms for us.

Oh, you're quite welcome.

Unfortunately,
we had an emergency,

so we're not gonna be able

to feed you Thanksgiving
dinner after all.

That's okay.

We stopped and bought
burgers on the way.

Is this ironic?

Here we are on Thanksgiving
with no food,

and who should show up
at our doorstep

but a tribe of American Indians.

I guess the next thing is

you offer to share
your food with us.

I don't know.
The last time we did this,

we got into a lot of trouble.

Meow.