Newhart (1982–1990): Season 2, Episode 3 - Animal Attractions - full transcript

You want anything else, honey?

The only thing I could think
of would be the sports section.

I'm reading the sports section.

I know.

Here, honey. Why don't you
read this until he's through?

I don't want your section.
I want my section.

Is this going to keep up?
Or will I have to leave?

Morning.

- Coffee?
- Yes.

In fact, I think coffee's all
we'll be having this morning.

Would anyone here
like some more coffee?



Yeah, I'll have some.

That's not why I'm here.

Don't look now.

But did you see the couple
who just came in?

Guys?

What about them?

I caught them trying
to sneak out last night.

Will you stop?

What happened?

It's about 3:00
in the morning.

I was thirsty, so I came down
to the kitchen

for some Perrier with a wedge
of lime on crushed ice.

By the way,
we're out of Perrier.

Who do I tell?



Stephanie, forget that.
What about the Putnams?

I saw them coming down
the stairs on their tiptoes.

Well, maybe they were thirsty
and were trying to be quiet.

They were dressed and
carrying all of their luggage.

Well, some people make more
out of getting a drink than others.

I can't believe it.

What, people are dishonest?

That they even thought they could
get away with something like this.

And they would have if I could
stand to drink tap water.

Dick, what are we going to do?

There's nothing we can do.
We'll just have to keep an eye on them.

Sit. Stay.

Guess what I found?

Uh, a dog?

Yeah. He followed me
home from the woods.

- Oh, isn't he adorable?
- He's precious.

He's not rabid, is he?

Oh, poor guy.

- Jeez. Look at him.
- Hi.

I don't think he likes you.

Yeah, well, just then
keep him away from me. Okay?

- What kind is he?
- I don't know.

He's probably just a mutt.

Are you going to keep him?

Oh, no, I couldn't do that.

Besides, he probably
belongs to somebody.

Didn't he have a tag?

No, nothing.
It's a shame, too.

His owner must be worried sick.

Maybe he was abandoned.

What kind of person would
do a thing like that?

Garbage.

George, maybe you should put
an ad in the lost and found.

Yeah, I think I will.
He's kind of cute, isn't he?

Well, I guess everybody had a
dog when they were growing up.

I did.

Mine was Buster.

He was part setter,
part retriever.

What kind did you have, Dick?

I... I didn't actually, uh,
ha... have a dog.

Uh, what did you have?

I had that other
incredibly popular pet.

You had a swan?

I think he means a cat.

- A cat?
- Uh, a big cat.

- A tomcat?
- No.

Ac... actually he was an angora.

- A what?
- An angora.

- An angora?
- A big angora.

You mean one of those
fluffy cats named Snowball?

He wasn't fluffy, and
he wasn't named Snowball.

His name was Butch,

Butch the angora cat.

Plenty of dogs were afraid
of that angora.

I bet.
They shed like crazy.

George, does this
dog know any tricks?

So far, all he's done is shake.

Really?
He shakes hands?

No, I meant he just shakes.

I think he's nervous.

Maybe I'd better take him out.

What a great looking dog.
Is he yours?

No. I just found him.
I hope I can find his owner.

- Come on, boy.
- He's sweet.

Yeah.

So what are you two planning
on doing today?

Oh, we don't know.

We just thought
we'd go out for a while.

- Oh, well, have a nice day.
- Thanks.

Okay.
It's all clear.

Oh, hi, Mr. Putnam.
Checking out?

What? No.

Boy, what a
lovely place this is.

Isn't that your suitcase?

By golly, I think it is.

Well, guess I'd better get
this back to our lovely room.

Oh, hi, Mr. Putnam.
You checking out?

Heck no.

Why is everybody so anxious
for us to leave?

We're having a great time.
See you later.

I hope so.

Dick, I just caught
them throwing their luggage

off the balcony.

I can't believe people
would do this.

Come on, honey.
It... it's a challenge.

It's a childish thing
in people that says,

hey, maybe I can
get away with something.

- Hi.
- Hi, George.

I saw your ad in
the lost and found.

Yeah, I think I may
have found the owner.

Somebody called
a little while ago.

They should be here any minute.

Really? Doesn't take long
to get attached, does it?

Oh, it sure doesn't.

You should have
seen him last night.

He was having a nightmare.

I reached over
and patted his head.

You know what he did?
He kissed me.

Then he went back to sleep.
I'm glad I was there.

I'll bet he was, too.

He'll be happier
with his real owner.

- He seems pretty happy here.
- You know how dogs are.

Uh, cats can't
be much different.

Excuse me.

Uh, Stratford Inn.

H... hold on.
Uh, Stephanie.

You called me?

Uh, yeah, uh, the telephone.

- Who is it?
- I'm sorry.

Uh... uh, can I tell
her who's calling?

Oh, it's, uh, it's Carl.

Hang up.

I'm not gonna hang up.

Then tell him I'm not here.

I... I already told him
you were here.

Um, ho... hold on.

Uh, could you hold on
just a second?

I'm not going
to talk to him, Dick.

- Stephanie, you have to.
- Why?

Because you were married to him.

Only for a couple of days.

W... would you hold
on just one more second?

You said you want
to be more responsible.

Not now.

Stephanie, if... if you
loved him enough to marry him,

uh, the least you can do
is talk to him.

Okay. I hate this.

I don't want to talk to him.

I'm not good at confrontation.
I'll just die.

Hi, Carl.

Fine.

Really?

You're in Vermont?

How nice.

Well... well, of course,
I... I'd love to see you.

I didn't expect to see you
again in my life.

But long as you're here.

Perfect.
Can't wait.

Bye.

He wants to see me.

Did he say why?

If I know Carl,
he probably wants to find out

why I walked out on him.

You... you mean
you never told him?

How do you tell
your husband you're leaving

without telling him why?

You wait until
he's in the shower.

And you say, Carl,
I'm leaving you.

I don't believe this.

But don't you see
what you've done?

By running away
from one confrontation,

you've just made
this one even worse.

- Well, I can fix that.
- How?

By running away
from this one, too.

Well, I'm leaving.

Wait a minute, Stephanie.

Oh, I'd love to, Dick,
but Carl will be here soon.

I've got to run.

All right.
Fine. Go.

But would you mind telling us

what we're supposed to do
when he gets here?

Uh, tell him I'm very sorry,
but at the last minute

I suddenly remembered
I had to go to Japan.

He's never going
to believe that.

But that's where I'm going.

I'll send for
the rest of my luggage.

Stephanie, I'm not
gonna let you do this.

You owe that man an explanation.

Maybe so, but if
I tell him why I left,

I'm only going to hurt him.

I'm talking to you as a friend.

You walk out that door,
young lady,

and you're never coming back.

Well, I'm sorry because
you know how much I care

about you people and
how much I appreciate

all you've done for me.

But I just can't be here
when Carl comes.

And nothing you say
can change my mind.

She left.
She's gone.

You didn't tell me
it was going to rain.

Do... does
that make a difference?

Well, it does to me.
It's like a sign.

A sign?

Oh, yeah.
I mean, look at me.

My coat is suede.
My bag is suede.

I think somebody's trying
to tell me something.

Does that mean you're staying?

What else can I do?

Boy, this is going to be hard.

Stephanie, uh, I don't mean
to wax philosophical.

But I think you'll
find many times

with a confrontation
the... the anticipation

far exceeds the actual event.

When he gets here,
I'll probably die.

Well, that would shoot
the hell out of that theory.

Well, if he's going
to be here soon,

I better go start on my hair.

I just know this weather
is going to make it frizz.

Think I'll go up and help her.

Uh, I saw a car pulling up.

I think it may be
the people about the ad.

Where's the dog?

Oh, I've got him out
on the back porch.

You should see him
when he's all brushed.

How does he look?

Well, the same, only smoother.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

I bet you're here about the dog.

Yeah, I'm, uh, Lou Ward.
This is my son, Ted.

George Utley.
Nice to meet you.

The dog's in the kitchen.
I'll go get him.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- I'm... I'm Dick Loudon.
- I'm Lou Ward.

This is my son Ted.

Nice to meet you.

I guess you were
pretty worried, mm?

Well, you know how boys
are about their dogs.

- Yeah.
- Well, here he is.

Scruffy.
Scruffy, hey, boy.

Good boy.
Oh, Scruffy.

I guess that's it.

- Ted.
- Yeah, dad?

That's not your dog.

It's not?

No, it isn't.
It's not even close.

- You're kidding.
- No. I mean, it is a... a dog.

But it's not Scruffy.

See, Scruffy's a pedigree
Irish setter.

But I like him.

I know, son.
But he's not your dog.

We'll still find Scruffy.

We've still got
three more ads to answer.

I don't want Scruffy.
I want this dog.

Look, Ted, Scruffy cost $300.

And we're going
to find him. Okay?

Come on, let's go.

Oh, uh, thanks
a lot for your time.

Oh, don't worry about it.

George, did, uh, have
you given any thought

to what you're gonna do,
you know, if no one shows up?

No, I haven't.

Well, I... I just want you
to know if you... you decide

to keep the dog, you know,
it's... it's okay with us.

Oh, thanks, Dick.

My phone's out of order.

Haven't you found an owner
for that thing yet?

No. As a matter of fact,
George is thinking

about keeping the dog.

Well, it's not for sure yet.
I'm just thinking about it.

Maybe I'd better
take him out back.

Good.

You know, if, uh, you keep
that dog around,

he's gonna ruin your furniture.

I don't care.

Oh, hello.
I'm looking for Stephanie.

Oh, may, uh, may
I tell her who's here?

Her husband.

- You're Carl?
- Yes.

How old are you?

I hope Stephanie told
you I was coming.

Yes, she...
She told us everything,

although not everything.

- Would you tell her I'm here?
- Oh, sure.

Uh, Stephanie, Carl's here.

- What a lovely inn.
- Oh, thank you.

Uh, rumor has it that, uh,
James Madison once stayed here.

Carl, is that true?

Uh, Joanna?

- Hi, Carl.
- Hello, Stephanie.

Go on.

Well, I guess
you met Dick and Kirk.

This is Joanna.

- How do you do?
- Fine. Nice to meet you.

Is there a place
where we can talk?

What's wrong with right here?

Uh, you can use my study.

I guess you know
I'd like an explanation.

Oh, Carl, it always
frizzes in the rain.

Stephanie, I'm not
talking about your hair.

I'm talking about
why you left me.

Oh.

I really do think I have
the right to know why.

Well, it wasn't anything
that happened really.

I mean, I had fun
at the wedding,

even at the reception.
The cake was great.

Apparently not great enough.

Stephanie, I suppose
I'm being na?ve.

But I assumed that you gave
our marriage some thought.

We've known
each other for years.

Well, Carl, this
is really hard to say.

But, after all,
you did come all the way

to Vermont looking for me.

And you have the right
to know the truth.

The truth is...

Yes?

I don't like the way you dress.

You don't like the way I dress?

That's it.
That's the only reason.

Stephanie, I can always
tell when you're lying.

- You can?
- Always.

Well, Carl, I'm afraid if
I tell you the real reason

that it's going to hurt you.

Please, Stephanie, the truth.

Oh, all right.

Your house,
I don't like your house.

Stephanie.

Oh, Carl, can't we just say
it was a great two days

and leave it at that?

Is... is there something
about my personality?

Am I humorless?
Am I too reserved?

Of course not.
It's nothing like that.

Am I insensitive?
Am I unromantic?

No.
Believe me, you're fine.

Is it my age?

No, my age.

I wish I was older.

What you're trying to tell me
is that you wish I were younger.

That, too.

Stephanie, I wouldn't be
your age again for anything.

Why not?

Well, for one thing,
if I were, I...

I wouldn't be handling this
with such dignity.

I'm sorry, Carl.

So am I, Stephanie.

You know, I didn't expect this
to be a long-term relationship.

But I didn't expect this either.

Now, I accept that
you had your epiphany

before I thought you would.

You've taught me so much,
everything really,

everything but
what epiphany means.

That means a sudden realization.

Oh, I get it.

Good.

I'm so grateful for everything.

You know, I always felt
safe with you and protected.

And we did have fun.
You took me to places

I never would
have gone to otherwise:

Singapore,
Madagascar, book stores.

Are you happy here?

Well, I'm in
a beautiful setting.

I'm surrounded by people
who care about me.

I have all
kinds of opportunities

I never dreamed I'd have.

I guess, if a person
can't be happy,

it's the next best thing.

My little flower.

I'll always love you, Carl.

And I you.

Well, I just talked
to the lady at the paper.

She said if nobody
claimed the dog by now,

they probably wouldn't.

Well, I guess
that means he's yours

if you want him, George\.

Well, I don't know.
Kind of scares me.

I've never been responsible
for anything before.

That's not true.
You take care of yourself.

You take care of this inn.
You take care of us.

Well, I guess that's true.

Maybe what I'm trying to say
is I've never been responsible

for anything that
ate off the floor.

Then you should have a dog.

I think maybe you're right.

Congratulations.

So what are you gonna name him?

I don't know.

I thought about
calling him Biscuit.

He loves those.

Or Slipper...
He really loves those.

Then again, he spends a lot of
time at the foot of the bed.

Foot of the bed is
kind of a long name for a dog.

I always think a dog should
have a meaningful name,

something that describes him.

Well, he found you.
Maybe you should call him Lucky.

- He is that.
- Mm, Lucky.

Lucky... I like that.
Gee, thanks, Dick.

Come on, Lucky,
let's go downtown

and get you a nametag and
me some slippers.

Oh, hi, Stephanie.
Guess what?

I'm going to keep the dog.

Oh, that's nice.

Did you say good-bye to Carl?

Yeah.

Feeling all right?

I'm a little sad.

Well, if you're ever
feeling lonely,

you can always come up to
my room and get Lucky.

Lucky is the... the dog's name.

Oh.

Are you sure you're all right?

Yeah.

I want to thank you two
for making me see Carl.

If I hadn't, I think
I might have regretted it

for the rest of my life.

Well, you're welcome.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I think I'll go upstairs in case

I decide to cry or something.

Well, if you're going
to watch the front desk,

I think I'll go in the study
and, uh, watch a game on TV.

Sure, go ahead.

Honey, I think the Putnams
are checking out.