Newhart (1982–1990): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Stratford Wives - full transcript

- This is awful.
- What?

I can't stand to read about
current events anymore.

It's just one depressing thing
after another.

Well, what're you reading about?

Leather jumpsuits.

Everyone says
they're in this year,

and it just makes me sick.

Well, it's a brutal world,
Stephanie,

but we can't let it keep us

from our dusting.

Right.



Good morning.

Dick, I just did something
by accident,

and I feel terrible about it.

- What is it?
- I opened all of your mail.

You opened all of this
by accident.

It was put in my box by mistake.

But I didn't read any of it.

All I looked at was
one thing from a record club.

I'm really sorry,

it's okay, I guess.

So, are you gonna
join the record club?

I doubt it.

Wise move, considering

the size of your electric bill.



Kirk, there's smoke
coming from your cafe.

Ooh, guess it's time
to flip those burgers.

People, go back in.

It's not a fire.

It's just a little smoke.

Dick, I picked up
a copy of the times for you.

Did you get my loofah sponges?

- Yeah.
- Thanks.

Loofah sponges?

It's beauty night.
I set aside one night a week

to maintain myself.

What do you use 'em for?

Well, I use them to...
To scrub away

dead, dry skin.
Do you want to try one?

No, no, I have someone

come in once a week to do that.

So, uh, how are things in town?

Great! I ran into
Mrs. Wanamaker

at the drugstore,
and she invited the two of us

to a community potluck tonight.

Maybe sometime we'll do that.

I thought we'd do that tonight.

What's a potluck?

Oh, it's a big mass dinner

where people bring food

they wouldn't serve at home

down into a dingy
church basement

and sit around on folding chairs

and eat off paper plates.

That sounds horrible.

It sounds horrible
the way he describes it.

I think it sounds like fun.

You don't wanna go, do you?

Joy, you know I don't like
that kind of stuff.

But Dick, it's a chance
to make friends.

And it's so new england.

No, it's not. We had
potluck dinners in New York,

and I didn't like them
there either.

You never wanna go anywhere.

- Yes, I do.
- No, you don't.

And you know why?
Because you don't like people.

I do too like people.

No, you don't.
You'd rather sit around

in a torn t-shirt,
watching television

and swilling beer.

I never do that.

I certainly hope not.

Look, Dick, if you don't
wanna go, we won't go.

I'll just
call Mrs. Wanamaker

and tell her to count us out.

You don't have to do that.

You're just saying that
to pacify me.

That's true.

Well, I'm not gonna go anywhere
just to be pacified.

If we're both
not going to enjoy it,

I think we should
just forget it.

Dora? Joanna.

I just talked to Dick,
and we can't wait

to come tonight.

Oh, Dick, look.

Isn't this charming?
Look at the dishes

and the people and the room.

Isn't it wonderful?

Yeah.

Ready to go?

Now, come on, honey.

You promised to at least pretend

- to have a good time.
- I will.

Joanna!

Come on in!

I'm so glad you and Dick
could make it.

Well, it was nice of you
to invite us.

Well, I always say,
no one should miss out

on one of our potlucks.

What's that casserole
you've got there, Joanna?

That looks pretty exotic.

- Tuna.
- Oh.

Well, I always say:

Can't have a good potluck
without four or five

tuna casseroles.

I'll put it with the others.

Here, let me take your coats.

- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, Shirley?

Come out here.
I want you to meet my wife.

Shirley, This is
Dick and Joanna Loudon.

- How do you do?
- It's nice to meet you.

I'll put these
on the table over there.

I feel I know you already.

I've heard so much about you.

Oh, really?

Well, you can't
live in a town this size

and own the Stratford inn

and not have people
talk about you?

I guess that's true.

What do you do, Dick?

I'm... I'm a writer.

A writer.

Isn't that interesting?

- Where are you from?
- New York.

The big apple, huh!

Shirley, could you
help me for a minute?

Excuse me.

It's so nice to finally meet

the people I've heard
so much about.

How does it feel
to be a celebrity?

Fine.

Well, are you having fun so far?

Boy, I am.

I think it's
just wonderful the way

the whole community
gets together like this.

There seems to be so much
warmth and fellowship.

Okay, everybody, dig in!

Oh boy.

So much for
warmth and fellowship.

Hey, Dick.
You should write a book

about our potluck dinners.

You could call it
"Vittles of Vermont."

Right.

I have never seen so much food
in all my life.

Doesn't it all look wonderful?

Can't wait to go back
for seconds.

I'm gonna have to get
some of these recipes.

Uh, pardon me.

I'm a bit confused.

Oh? What's wrong?

Well, the women are
all going into the kitchen,

and the men are
all staying out here.

Ayuh?

Well, why aren't we
all eating dinner together?

Oh, we never eat together.

- Why not?
- I don't know.

- It's just a tradition.
- A tradition?

Yes, you see,
when this all started,

back in the 1800's,

the farmers used to
come into town

to sell their crops.

Women would cook up some food,

bring it over to the men,
then go back to the house

and go on about their business.

And it's stayed pretty much
the same all these years.

The men sit out here and talk
about hunting and fishing.

The women go in the kitchen
and talk about...

Whatever it is women talk about.

Yeah, we like it.

Do the women like it?

Oh, we haven't
heard any complaints.

Women feel at home in
the kitchen, don't they?

But that... that... that's...

That's very interesting.

Your... your tradition, I mean.

Well, the important thing is
everybody has a good time.

Dick, I don't think I like this.

What... what're you
talking about?

Well, I'm not gonna
be packed off to eat

in some hot, steamy kitchen

while you sit out here
with the men.

Honey, remember,
I didn't want to come here

in the first place.

I mean, as long as we're here,
I don't think we can leave.

I don't wanna have a scene
in front of all these people.

Well, I don't care
about a scene.

Well, I do, so, please, just...

Go in the kitchen.

Better get over here, Dick.

Jim's gonna tell
his best fishing story.

Oh. Don't wanna miss that.

Maybe we'll get
together later for a coffee.

Isn't this great, Dick?

Oh, yeah.

Stephanie?

Steph... well, here.

I'll check you in.

Do you like the morning sun

or the afternoon sun?

We're only gonna
be here one night.

Do you like the moon?

Really, anything is fine.

Then I'll just get you something

close to the stair.

Where are you folks from?

- Florida.
- It's lovely there.

Oh, you've been?

No.

The room is $35.

And that includes breakfast.

And you can pay
when you check out.

- Okay, thank you.
- Good night.

Good night.

George?

D'aah!

George, it's Stephanie.

I'm going back up to my room.

Promise me
you won't leave again.

Why do you look like that?

It's my beauty treatment.

Good luck.

Joanna, will you please
calm down?

You still haven't
answered my question.

I have no idea
why you were born female.

That's not the question
I'm talking about.

- Evening.
- Oh, hi, George.

- How as the dinner?
- Great, if you enjoy

being treated like
an indentured servant.

Well, I'm glad
you had a good time.

How could you allow that
to happen tonight?

Honey, there was nothing
I could do about it.

I think that somewhere
in your subconscious,

you enjoy seeing the women
sent off to the kitchen.

I can't believe
you're this upset

about what happened tonight.

And if the truth were known,
you're probably upset

about something much bigger

than being sent to the kitchen
with the women.

- Like what?
- Like, the fact

that no one
liked your casserole.

How dare you.

How dare you take a subject that
I feel this strongly about

and try to minimize it
by claiming

that it's something
as meaningless

as whether or not
people like my casserole.

Besides, they all had
weeks to prepare something,

and I only had a few hours.

Fine. Didn't realize

it bothered you so little.

That's right, Dick.
Sarcasm is so attractive.

Joanna, can we
talk about this tomorrow?

- It's late, and I'm tired.
- I'm not.

I know you're not.

Look, I'm not
trying to be unreasonable.

But it's demeaning
to be sent off

to the kitchen like that.

It's like saying
we're not important enough

to sit at the men's table
and join their conversation.

Well, I'm just as capable
of talking about hockeyball

as any of you guys.

Hockeyball?

Sports, you know what I mean.

Oh, Dick, what frustrates me
more than anything

is that I felt like
I was the only person there

who was bothered by it.

Honey, I was bothered
as much as you were,

and if you hadn't
been in the kitchen,

you would've heard me
bring it up.

What'd you say?

I said...

"So... so the women
sit in the kitchen, huh?"

Thank you, Dudley do-right.

But honey,
I'm on your side in this.

But when something
has been going on this long,

it's hard to change it.

And therefore I should
just turn my back on it?

Well, it's not
a festering social problem.

It's just a potluck.

Dick, if I thought everybody

was happy with this,
I'd drop it.

But I'm not convinced
these people

realize they have a choice.

Maybe all they need
is for someone

to challenge the tradition.

Is this gonna involve a lot of

painting of signs and banners?

Women marching around town?

Don't worry, Dick.
I am not gonna do anything

to embarrass you
in front of your

precious male colleagues.

Promise?

- Hi, Dick.
- Hi, Kirk.

I was yelling to you,
but you were

pulling into the driveway.

I guess you didn't hear me.

I guess not.

Listen, as a gesture
of friendship,

and because I still
feel so terrible

about what happened yesterday,

I thought I'd bring you
your mail unopened.

- Thanks, Kirk.
- Ah, forget it.

Oh, by the way, you got
a postcard from your brother.

He wants you to call him.

Oh, hi, Dick.
Glad we caught you in.

Oh, hi, guys.

We were wondering
if we could talk to you

for a few minutes.

Sure. What's on your mind?

Well, it's kind of personal,
Dick.

Oh. I get it.

That means, "Kirk, leave."

Well, fine. I had
more important things to do

than hang around
listening to gossip.

Goodbye, Kirk.

Details later, Dick.

Well, why don't
we go in my study?

Yes, well, thank you
for your time.

Goodbye.

Oh. I'm sorry.
I was just on the way out.

Don't mind me.

Hi, Joanna. Good to see you.

Loved your casserole.

Thank you.
If you'll excuse me,

I have some more calls to make.

Well, why don't you have a seat?

Ahh, what's...
What's on your mind?

- It's your wife, Dick.
- What about her?

We think she's crazy.

Exactly how do you mean that?

Well, she's been
calling the women in town.

Seems she's not happy
with the way

we run our potlucks.
Did you know that?

She may have mentioned
something like that, yeah.

Dick, we've been
having this potluck

for I don't know how many years.

Nobody's ever complained
before now.

We love Joanna,
but I can tell you,

we're not comfortable
with change.

This has all the earmarks

of something radical.

We just happen to think,
when a problem comes up,

that we should confront it.

Well, if you're that concerned,

you can talk to Joanna.

Oh, no.

- We thought we'd
leave that up to you.
- Yeah.

I... I don't control Joanna.

She pretty much
has a mind of her own.

Oh, that's too bad.

But, I mean,
if you're that concerned,

um, I'll tell her you're upset.

But that's about
as far as I can go.

Well, that's better
than nothing.

Well, we'd appreciate it, Dick.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I forgot my phone list.

Oh, that's all right.
We were just on our way out.

Yeah. Good
to see you again.

Bye.

Did I chase them off?

No. No. They were
leaving anyway.

They wanted you
to talk to me about

- the phone calls, right?
- Right.

Did you tell them we have
the kind of relationship

where we don't tell
each other what to do?

Are you telling me that's
what I should've told them?

Well, why didn't they
just talk to me?

Because they're scared of you.

I just got off the phone,
and I can't believe it.

Everyone in this town is scared.

The men are scared of change.

The women are scared of the men.

And now everybody's
scared of me.

Oh, it's so silly.
I'm not an ogre.

I'm just an average,
ordinary woman

trying to drive a whole town

into the 20th century.

Well, honey, if the phone calls
aren't working,

why don't you just,
y'know, give up?

I think maybe you're right.

You do?

I probably should give up,
but I'm not going to.

What are you going to do?

I don't know, but just wait
till the next potluck.

You're gonna see
a hundred years of tradition

brought to its knees.

- What's the matter?
- Nothing.

I was just... just thinking.

About what?

About when you and I were
first going out.

Everyone asked me
what I liked best about you,

and I always said you were...

Were fun.

Well, I guess
they know we're here.

Well, well.
If it isn't the Loudons.

- Hi, Dick. Hi, Joanna.
- Hello.

Is that your famous
tuna casserole?

No, chicken salad this time.

Oh, boy.
Something different.

Food's ready. Any time.

Well, I'd better put this
with everything else.

We weren't sure
we'd be seeing you two again.

Sorry we got
a little carried away

the other day.

Joanna just had us worried.

Your wife is quite
a rabble-rouser.

Dora has a little
rebellious streak herself.

Only last month,
out of a clear blue sky,

she came home with pierced ears.

And... and I thought
I had problems.

Well, we'd better get in line
if we want any food.

- You all right?
- I'm fine.

They really... they went for

your chicken salad.

That should make you feel good.

Uh-huh.

Everyone seems to be having

an unusually good time tonight.

Yes, they are.

I wonder how long
that's going to last.

Hurry up, Dick.
You don't want the food

to get cold.

Well, I'll...
I'll be sitting down now.

All right.

- Saved you a seat, Dick.
- Thanks.

Did you get some
of that three-bean salad, Dick?

I wasn't that hungry.
I took two out of three.

- He's funny.
- Yeah.

Hi.

Hi.

This is it, isn't it?

Uh-huh.

So. Chester,

how's the golf game?

All right?

Good.

How's your game, Jim?

Oh. Uh, pretty good.

Good.

Catch any big fish lately?

No.

Me either.

Oh, for crying out loud.

This is ridiculous.

Look, uh...

I know what I've done,
and I know why

everybody's upset, but...

Would it really be so horrible

if we all ate out here together?

I mean, these potlucks
are supposed to be a chance

for people to talk
and get to know each other.

So why should the men and women
be separated?

Now, let's be honest.

Wouldn't you rather be
eating out here

if you had a choice?

Well, how about you, Shirley?

Well, I don't know.
I've never thought about it.

Well, think about it.

Look, we could all
be out here together.

Talking about...

Well, I don't know
what we'd talk about,

but wouldn't that
be better than keeping up

some meaningless tradition?

Yes. I guess I would
like that better.

- You would?
- Yes!

You know, it sounds
like a good idea to me, too.

It does?

- Well...
- It gets awful hot back there.

When you think about it,

there's no real reason
we shouldn't eat in here.

Good! Don't be afraid
to change.

Well, that does it.
Let's move out here

- and stay out here.
- Right!

Well.

I'm sorry to shake things up
like this,

but after all,
there's nothing wrong

with a little progress.

Hey. This is better.

Dick?

See, that's one thing
about progress.

You can't always
tell when it's happening.

Well, I know it's beauty night,

but... I'm so tired that,

instead of going through
all that hassle,

I think I'll just
give myself a mudpack.

And a manicure.
Get a good 12-hour sleep.

Leave it at that.

- Good night, George.
- Good night, Stephanie.

Oh, hi, George.

Hi. Well,

- how did it go?
- Pretty good.

Yeah, I was really...
Really proud of Joanna.

She didn't think
the women should be

cooped up in the kitchen, and...

She said something about it,
and I really think

the potlucks are
gonna be better from now on.

- Thanks, honey.
- So what're you gonna do now?

I think I'll go
in the study and read.

If you need me,
I'll be in the kitchen.