Newhart (1982–1990): Season 2, Episode 21 - Send Her Ella - full transcript

- Well, here's my new book.

- Oh great. What did
you decide to call it?

- Roaming Through Wyoming.

Here, read this. Read this.

- Roaming Through
Wyoming by Dick Loudon.

Dedicated to my wife,
Joanna, without whose love

and support this book could
never have been written.

Oh, honey, that's sweet.

- Oh, I thought you'd
get a kick out of it.

- I do every time you do it.

- Excuse me. I've got a
delivery for a Kirk Devane.



- Oh, you want the
Minute Man Café.

- I know that, but
there's a sign on the door

that says "Gone to lunch."

- You can leave
it here if you want.

- There's a $35 delivery charge.

- Or you can come
back another time.

- Now, wait a minute, Dick.
We can give him the $35.

Why don't you bring it in?
- Great. Thanks.

- You don't mind, do you?

- Do what you
want. It's our money.

- Well, honey, this
could be something

really important
that Kirk needs.

- Well, it certainly looks
like something Kirk needs.

- What is this?
- It's a chicken.



- I see that.

- "Hey kids, I'm
Incredible Chicken.

Insert a coin and
I will lay an egg

with a present inside for you."

- Thanks.
- Thanks. Have a good day.

- We will now.

- Well, what do you think?

- Have you been in
there the whole time?

- Look I'm sorry.

I saw the truck and I
was caught in one of

those embarrassing situations
where I didn't have any cash.

- So you thought let the
suckers next door pay for it.

- Hey, you are my best friends
and you are wonderful people.

Don't talk about
yourselves that way.

- Kirk, I don't understand.

With all of the things
you need for the café,

why did you buy this?

- To help pay for
all those things.

Kids will love this.

- Come on, Dick. Let me
show you how it works.

Have you got a quarter?

All right. Now watch.

- Take it. It's yours.

What is it?
- A giraffe.

- Isn't that great?

- A chicken that lays a giraffe?

- Come on, give
Joanna a quarter.

Let her try.
- She doesn't want to try.

- Oh please, honey.
It's just a quarter.

- A frog.

- I'm telling you, every kid
that comes into that café

is going to drive
his parents crazy

until they give them a quarter.

- This thing is going
to be a goldmine.

- Come on, Dick. Help
me move it over there.

- You're not moving this
chicken until I get my $35.

- I'll give it to you Saturday.

- Then Saturday
you get your chicken.

- Okay. Then fine,
keep Incredible Chicken.

You should be the one to
keep Incredible Chicken.

You know why?

Because you're
cheep, cheep, cheep.

- Hi, Kirk. What's new?

- Nothing, just
the same old story.

- Hi.

- Hi, Joanna. Hi, Dick.

- Doc and I just came
from a planning meeting

for Maple Syrup Days.

- How's... How's
everything going?

- Pretty good, but
we got something

kind of important to ask you.

- What's that?
- Uh, what's this?

- Oh nothing.

It's something stupid
that Kirk bought.

- What do you do with it?

- You put a quarter
in it and it lays an egg.

- Well, I'll be darned.

- What was it that
you wanted to ask me?

- Well, at the end of the day
we crown the Maple Syrup

king and queen and
we always have some

prominent local citizen act
as master of ceremonies.

- Look, I got a frog.
- Let me see.

- Look at that.

- I know. I got one too.

- You... you were saying something
about a prominent local citizen.

- Oh, right. We'd like to
know if you'd be our MC.

- When is it?
- Saturday night.

- Sure, I'd be glad to.
- Well, great.

Uh, can I keep this?
- Yeah.

- Oh, one more thing.

Would it be all
right if a few of

the out of town contestants
stayed here with you guys?

- Sure, I don't see why not.
- Oh, terrific.

And one more thing, Joanna.

Would you serve as
chaperone for the girls?

We need somebody to
make sure everything runs

smoothly at the contest.

- I'll be happy to.
- I'm going to be there to.

- Yeah, George
has a very big job.

- I'm the facility chairman.

- What does the
facility chairman do?

- Cleans up the facility.

- If George is going to be
there too, we better make sure

that Stephanie can
look after the inn.

Stephanie?
- Yes.

- Were you planning on going
to Maple Syrup Days Saturday?

- What?
- The Maple Syrup Days.

- Is that one of those
big community things

where the whole
town gets together

and celebrates something?

- Yeah.
- Nah.

- Great. Then
everything's settled.

- Okay. There it is.

Just put your quarter in.

- Get used to it, Dick,
because it's going

to happen about a
hundred times a day.

- Okay. Would everybody
please finish signing in?

- Honey, the girls are here.
Come on out and meet them.

- What is it?
- A frog.

- Everybody, this is my husband

and your master of
ceremonies for tonight, Dick.

- Hi, girls.

Hi.

- Aren't they cute?
- Yeah.

- Dick and I just want
to say that we're glad

you're here and we want
to wish you all luck tonight.

- And if there's anything
you need just... just ask for it.

- Can I have
change for a dollar?

- Why don't we, uh, we get
you settled in your rooms first

and then... then we'll all
play with Incredible Chicken.

- Okay, everybody,
want to follow me?

- Hi. What's this?

- Oh hi, Stephanie.

These are some
of the contestants

for Maple Syrup queen.

They're going to be
staying with us tonight.

This is our maid, Stephanie.

Hi.

- You're a maid? That's great.

Someone to press our dresses.

- You guys never
told me about this.

- You mean that they
were staying here?

- You never told
me about any of it.

What's the Maple Syrup queen?

- The Maple Syrup queen is the
queen of the Maple Syrup Days.

- It's a contest?

- Yeah. There's
prizes and everything.

- What kind of prizes?

- Well, usually
it's gift certificates

for clothing or
something to wear.

- Although, the queen's
prize is even bigger like... like...

Like jewelry or something.

- How come I'm not in this?

- Well, Stephanie, I think you
have to be nominated, don't you?

- No. You just have to sign up.

- Well, even so there's
probably a talent competition

or something.
- No there isn't.

They just ask you some questions

and then they pick a winner.

- Stephanie, don't
look at me like that.

I didn't know.

Besides I think this contest
is for, you know, younger girls.

- Why don't you just run over
me with your car, Joanna?

- I didn't mean
you aren't young.

I just meant you're not
as young as these girls.

- Well, neither are you.

- I know and I'm
not in the contest.

- Well, I want to
be in the contest.

- Well, you can't
be in the contest.

- Why not?

- Because you
promised to work tonight.

- But I want to win stuff.
- Come on, Stephanie.

Now you can't be in the
contest and that's that.

You're an adult.

You have a job and
the responsibility

that goes with that job.

- Well, poop.

- Honey, I think Stephanie
appreciates what you're saying.

Um, why don't you show
the girls up to their rooms?

- Okay, everybody,
will you follow me?

- I'm sorry, Stephanie.

- You know, sometimes I think
the whole world is against me.

- You're right, Stephanie.

You know, every Thursday myself

and four and a half
billion other people

get together and try to
figure out how to make life

miserable for you.

- Well, tell them for me
they're doing a great job.

- There it is.

- Okay, is everybody ready?

- But we want you in
the picture, Mrs. Loudon.

- But then who's
going to take it?

- How about the maid?

- Stephanie, do you mind?

Thanks.

- Okay. All set?

- Stephanie, you tell
us when to say cheese.

- Okay, say it.
- Cheese!

- Great.

- Wait. Wait a minute.
You snapped it too soon.

- Let her take another one.

- All right.

Girls, we... we
really don't have time.

- Yeah.

Besides, there will be a
photographer at the contest.

- Boy, I sure am glad
I'm not one of the judges.

I'd have to give
everybody first prize.

Four of the girls can go with
us and two can go with George.

- Listen, Stephanie.

We'll be at the Fellowship
Hall if you need us.

- Fine.
- And try to cheer up.

- I already tried.

- Goodbye, Stephanie.

- Goodbye.

- We're sorry you're
not going with us.

By the way, that's
a really cute robe.

- Thanks.
- Wish us luck.

- Give me a break, huh.

- Who won?

- Stephanie, I... I just
wanted to say that, uh,

I'm sorry you have
to stay here tonight.

- I know.

- But, I mean, try to
keep it in perspective.

- It's just a beauty contest.

It isn't going to make a
difference in anybody's life.

- I guess you're right.

- I am feeling sorry for
myself, but I'll get over it.

- Good. All right. We'll
see you tomorrow.

- I'm not feeling
sorry for myself

and I'll never get over it.

- Excuse me. Are you open?

- Oh, yeah.
- Do you have any vacancies?

- Sure.

- Is anything the matter?

- I'm kind of depressed.
- Why?

- It's just that there's
a dance in town tonight

that I wanted to go
to and they're going

to pick a queen and I
wanted to be that too.

And instead I have to stay
here and look after this place.

- Oh.

- Gee, it seems a
shame a pretty young girl

like you has to miss
out on all that fun.

What if I watched
the inn for you?

- You'd do that?

- Well, I'd be happy to.

- But I don't even know you.

Oh, I'm not sure
that's a good idea.

- Well, I wouldn't want to
get you into any trouble.

- Of course, if I wore a
disguise and got back

before anybody got home...

- Well, it's up to you.
- You talked me into it.

- I did?
- This is like a miracle.

I can't believe I'm really going

to the festival and
it's all thanks to you.

By the way, who are you?
- Ella Hayes.

- Thanks a million.

I feel like I'm Cinderella and
you're my fairy godmother.

- Just a minute. You
dropped your slipper.

- Oh, thanks.

- Thank you, Cathy.

Judges, that was
Cathy Sue McGregor.

And now we're ready for
our tenth and final contestant.

- Dick. Honey.

Number ten broke a strap.
Can you just talk for a minute?

- Sure.

Well, it seems there
will be a couple minutes

before we get to our...
Our final contestant.

But it gives us a chance
to... A chance to talk.

Isn't this really a
wonderful festival?

Honey... honey, how
are we doing back there?

- Keep talking.

- Okay.

Well, it seems we have
a minute or two more.

Um, well why don't
I... Why don't I tell...

I tell a joke.

Uh, as some of you may
know I'm... I'm an innkeeper

so I suppose this would be
sort of a... sort of an inn joke.

Anyway, there's...
There's this guy, uh,

staying in this... in this
inn and he... he calls down

for room service
and he says could...

Could you please
send me up some,

uh, runny scrambled eggs,
uh, cold toast... no, wait.

I'm sorry.

Um, burnt... burnt
toast and cold coffee.

Maybe I better start...
Start this one again.

Uh, this guy is
staying in this...

In this inn and he calls down...

And he says, uh, called
down to room service

and he says could... could
you send me up some, uh,

runny scrambled
eggs, burnt... burnt toast

and, uh, and cold coffee.

And... and the innkeeper
says I'm... I'm sorry,

we can't do that.

And the... and... and the
guest says, uh, why... why not?

You... you did yesterday.

Honey, how... how are
we doing over there?

- One more minute.

- I don't think I have one
more minute left in me.

- Why don't you tell
that innkeeper joke?

- I don't know, it's
kind of a stupid joke.

- Do something. We'll
be ready in just a second.

- Hasn't this been
a wonderful festival?

- While we still have
some time, let's...

- How's it going?

- Fine. That Dick's
quick on his feet, isn't he?

- Oh yeah.

- Personally, I've never... I've
never been to Maple Syrup, uh,

Days before, but I mean
I can't imagine any...

Anything better than this one.

- Honey, we're ready.
- So soon.

Ladies and gentlemen, our
tenth and final contestant.

- Good evening.
- Hello.

- Your name is?
- Corey Bishop.

- And how old are you, Corey?
- Seventeen.

- And where do you live?
- At home.

- I realize that,
but where is home?

- 405 Forest Oak Street,
East Poultney, Vermont, 05741.

- And I... I understand
you're a senior in high school?

- Yes, sir.

- And what are your
plans after graduation?

- A bunch of my
friends and me are going

to go to the beach for a week.

- Sound like you got a...

- Excuse me.

How does one get
into the contest?

- What?

- I meant to be here earlier,
but my house burned down.

- Well, I suppose we
could squeeze you in,

but I'll have you know
I'm bending the rules.

- Oh, thank you.

I've always depended on
the kindness of strangers.

- Well, here, put this
on and go backstage

and I'll tell the MC
there's another contestant.

- And if I win this contest, I
will do my best to represent

the state of Vermont
and Maple Syrup

to the best of my ability.

- Judges, that was Corey
Bishop, our final contestant so...

- Psst.

- Par... par... pardon
me just... just a second.

What is it?
- There's another girl.

- What?
- A last minute contestant.

- Okay.

- By the way, I meant
to tell you earlier

you left the lights
on in your car.

- Go turn them off, will you?

- I tried. It's locked.

- That's all right.
They're out now.

- Uh, it's just been
brought to my attention

that we have, uh,
another contestant.

Is the girl back
there? Ah, here she is.

- You just... you just
made it. And your name is?

- Inez Velasco.

- Inez Velasco.

- Yes, sir.

- Par... pardon... pardon
us for just a second.

- Stephanie?
- How did you know?

- Because I'm not a
moron. That's how I knew.

What are you doing here?
- I couldn't help it.

I just had to be in the contest.

- You're supposed
to be watching the inn.

- Look, if you
want to yell at me

when we get home
I'll understand.

But for now please,
just go along with this.

- I'm going to go along with it

because I don't want
to ruin the contest.

But we are going to
talk when we get home.

- Fine. I promise I'll
cry and everything.

- Well we're, uh,
we're... we're back.

Uh, we were talking
to Inez Velasco.

- Inez, where are you from?

- Dixie.

- Inez, why don't
you just tell the judges

and the audience why you'd
like to be Maple Syrup Queen.

- I would like to be
Maple Syrup Queen

because I have always been
an admirer of maple syrup,

and I would be most proud
to represent your fine product

in the great state of Vermont.

And having come from poverty,

I would like to have
some nice clothes.

- Well, that certainly is a
nice dress you're wearing now.

- Thank you. I made
this from curtains.

- Thank you, Inez.

Well, I... I... I think
it's time for the judges

to make their decision.

And I... I see now the judges
have reached their decision.

- Here you go, Dick.
- Thank you.

Okay. Our second
runner-up and winner of

the $50 gift certificate from
Bridgette's Fashion Shop,

Cathy Sue McGregor. Cathy.

- The first runner-up
and the winner of

the $100 gift certificate from
Bridgette's Fashion Shop,

Corey Bishop.

- And now that brings us
now to our grand prize winner,

this years' Maple Syrup queen.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I present to you... oh no.

- I won.

- Yes, Inez is right. She won.

- I won. I won.

- Congratulations, Inez.

- Thank you, Mr. Loudon.

- And now could we
have the Maple Syrup king

come out and crown our queen.

- Dick, this is Ricky Bowman
from Winooski, Vermont.

He's a junior in high school

and says he hopes
to become a senior.

- Okay. Um, Ricky,
would you do the honors?

- I crown you Maple Syrup Queen.

- There you are,
ladies and gentlemen,

our Maple Syrup king and queen,

Ricky and Inez.

And now, Inez, I would
like to present you

with your grand prize.

The Maple Syrup Advisory Board
has really outdone themselves

this year because
this year, Queen Inez,

you are the
recipient of a $1000...

- Oh my gosh.

- college scholarship

to be used at the
college of your choice.

- Not at Bridgette's?

- No, this is for
books, not for blouses.

- Uh, thank you very much.

Thank you, judges.
Thank you, Dick.

Thank you, everybody.

Who wants to trade?

- Stephanie, stop crying.

- I can't help it.
I still feel badly.

- Well, everybody is
proud of you at least

for giving back the scholarship.

- But everybody's
still mad at me.

I'll bet even Ella is mad at me.

- Ella? Ella?

- Well, what... what happened?

- I'll tell you what happened.

- Somebody took my chicken.