Newhart (1982–1990): Season 2, Episode 19 - Leave It to the Beavers - full transcript

- Joanna?

- What?

- I put soap in the dryer again.

- Oh, no.

- How often does that happen?

- I've lost count.

- Where's the Hoover?

- Wherever you left it last.

- Oh, I hate to
vacuum the dryer!

- Good evening.
- Hi.

- Are you open?
- Yes, we are.



- We'd like a room.

- We?

- I'm Cecil Breech and
this is my wife Evelyn.

- I'm Dick Loudon and
this is my wife Joanna.

- Pleased to meet you.

How much are your doubles?

- Our doubles are 45.

- That'll be fine.

- Would you like to sign here?

- Oh, sure. Looks
like a lovely inn.

We love old inns.

- Honey, which room should
we give Mr. and Mrs. Breech?

- Uh, I was thinking of room six

at the far, far end of the hall.



- Perfect.

- Stephanie, you wanna show
the Breeches to their room?

- Me?

- Yes.

- Okay.

- Enjoy your stay.

- Oh, thank you. We will.

I agree.

- Excuse me?

- Oh, nothing.

Evelyn was just saying
she likes your outfit.

- Oh, thank you.

- Dick, that man's crazy.

Do you think we're
doing the right thing

letting him stay here?

- Well, honey, he
seemed harmless.

Besides, if I close my door

to every crazy
person who came in...

we'd never see him.

- Well, you might as
well take back your gift,

because the marriage is over!

- Great. It was a
blender, wasn't it?

- Kirk, what's the matter?

- Cindy and I just
had our first fight.

- Oh, no. What happened?

- I took her out
to dinner tonight.

A nice thing to do, right?

I mean, we're not
dating anymore,

so it's not like I had to do it.

Anyway, we get to the restaurant

and there's this parking
space right in front,

only there's this other
guy trying to back into it.

So I sped up and beat him to it.

- You stole someone's
parking space?

- Maybe I'm not
making myself clear.

The space was right in
front of the restaurant.

- I don't care. It was wrong.

- That's what Cindy said.

- Well, what did you say?

- I said, If you want me to
back out of this space, fine.

Then I put the car in reverse
and backed all the way home.

- You're crazy, you know that?

- I'm crazy because
I love my wife

and I want her to have
the best parking space?

I can't believe this night.

It started out so great.
Now I've lost Cindy.

- You haven't lost Cindy.

- I don't know, Dick.

We said some
things to each other

I don't think we
can ever take back.

- Look, Kirk, why
don't you just go home

and tell Cindy you're sorry.

- She's not there.

She went to spend the night
with her friend, idiot Debbie.

- Well, why don't you go to
idiot Debbie's and apologize?

- This is between Cindy and me.

I don't want other people
involved in our problems.

Besides, she took the car.

- Why don't you just go home
and get a good night's sleep

and I'm sure that things will
look better in the morning.

- Well, maybe you're right.

Anyway, no matter what,

I hope this teaches me
to control my temper.

- Oh, hi, Kirk. There's some
people over at your cafe.

- I'm not open! Get
away from there!

- What's the matter with him?

- Oh, he's just mad that
he can't control his temper.

- How was the lodge
meeting, George?

- Great. You know how much

I always enjoy being
with the Beavers.

- We know you do.

- And tonight for the first
time in a couple of years,

the Beaver Lodge voted
to have a membership drive.

We're having a special
meeting tomorrow night.

- Good.

- How would you like to join?

- Me?

- Yeah. I've always
wanted to bring someone in,

but I never felt I had
anyone to ask until now.

- You want me to be a Beaver?

- Oh, I think you'll
really enjoy it, Dick.

They're a great bunch of guys.

You know, they've
been a big part of my life.

- Yeah, I know, George,

but, see, I'm not
much of a joiner.

- Oh, gee, I thought
you'd be kind of excited.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
Don't get me wrong.

I'm flattered, but I just
don't think, you know, it's me.

- Well, I understand.

I guess I'll go to
bed now. Good night.

- Good night.
- Good night, George.

How could you do that?

- Do what?
- Turn him down.

- Honey, I hate
things like that.

- I know, but that lodge

is one of the biggest
things in George's life.

You heard what he said.

He's never had a
friend to bring before.

He's proud of you, Dick.

- Honey, I've never
told you this before,

but there's a reason
I don't like clubs.

I think the only
reason they exist

is to keep other people out.

- What are you talking about?

- I think they're elitists.

- You think the
Beavers are elitists?

- Honey, when I was in college,

there was this one
fraternity I wanted to join

and I really knocked
myself out trying to get into it,

except I didn't get in.

I found out the
reason I didn't get in

was because my dad
didn't earn enough money

and I didn't have
a nice enough car.

I'll never forget
the teasing I took.

"Oh, hey, there's goes
the fraternity reject!"

- They're just kids,
and kids can be cruel.

- What kids? That was my father.

Honey, I swore to myself

that I will never go through
that humiliation again.

- Honey, I understand
what you're saying,

but this isn't a
snobbish fraternity.

This is a small-town
lodge with guys like George.

- Yeah, I know.

- And it would sure
make him feel good.

- Okay. I'll go tell George
I changed my mind.

- Oh, that's my little Beaver.

- Over here we
have our trophy case.

And over here

is where we have
refreshments after the meeting.

Look out.

I want you to meet
some of the guys.

Hi, guys. I'd like to have
you meet Dick Loudon.

Dick, this is Tommy Hayes.

- Hi.
- Benny Wiggins.

- Hi.
- And Cliff Pulsifer.

- Hi.

- We were just talking
about Beaver Days.

- That's something you'll love.

- What are Beaver Days?

- Three days of nonstop fun.

We have food, beer, games.

Hey, maybe Joanna would
like to be a Beaverette?

- Well, she certainly
has that coming to her.

- Men? Men, can we
take our seats, please?

- That's Bill Rivers,
our club president.

We'll see you, guys.

We can meet the rest
of the Beavers later.

- Call the meeting to order.

I'd like to welcome all
of you here this evening

to our special membership night.

Nice to see a few
new faces out there.

Before we begin, I'm
gonna ask Tommy here

to read the minutes of last
night's meeting. Tommy?

- Last night's meeting

was called to order at 7:05
P.M. by President Rivers.

We decided to hold a special
membership meeting tonight.

Then we all had beer.

The meeting adjourned at 1 A.M.

- You must have left early.

- I must have.

- Thank you, Tommy.
And now for new business.

Now, tonight is the first
night in almost two years

that we Beavers have been able
to open our club to new members.

As you know, these
vacancies have been created

due to the untimely deaths
of the Johnson brothers,

who just recently
lost their lives

in the tragic and as yet
unexplained stampede

at their dairy farm.

This meeting is
dedicated to their memory.

Now, I know a couple of you

have candidates for membership
that you'd like to introduce.

Who'd like to begin?

Go ahead, Cliff.

- I'd like to introduce my
brother-in-law Harley Estin.

He and my wife's sister
just moved up here.

They're living with us while
Harley looks for work. Harley?

- I'm Harley Estin,
Cliff's brother-in-law.

My wife and I have
just moved up here

while I look for work,

and I'd like to be a Beaver.

- Well, thank you,
Harley. Thank you, Cliff.

Now, anybody have any trouble

with Harley here becoming
a member of the Beavers?

Welcome, Harley.

Now who else has someone
they'd like to... George?

- I brought someone I think
would make a super Beaver.

He's my boss and my friend

and I'm proud to introduce
him to all of you, Dick Loudon.

- Well, as George
said, I'm Dick Loudon,

and as most of you know,

my wife and I own
the Stratford Inn.

I'm also a writer.

I worked briefly in advertising

before I started
writing full-time,

and I, like Harley, would
like to become a Beaver.

- Well, all right.

Anybody have a problem

with Dick Loudon
becoming a Beaver?

Sorry, Dick.

- Who all was there?

Really? How did she look?

Well, I'm not surprised.

She always ate
like a lumberjack.

Oh, hold on a minute.
Someone just came in.

Hi.
- Hi.

- I was just talking
to my mother.

- Don't let me bother you.

- Okay.

Mother, I'll have
to call you back.

- Excuse me? Have
either of you seen my wife?

- I think we can
honestly say we haven't.

- Is Mrs. Breech missing?

- Oh, it's nothing
to be alarmed about.

Evelyn's always disappearing.

I was just a little concerned
because it's after dark.

- Right. Well, I'm sure
she'll turn up sooner or later.

- Well, as I said, it's nothing
to be concerned about,

but if you do see her,
will you give me a yell?

- Believe me, if we
see her, we'll yell.

- Oh, there you are.
Where have you been?

You're kidding.

I looked in there and
I didn't even see you.

I must be losing my mind.

- Excuse me?
- Oh, hi, Cindy.

- Hi. Um, if you
two aren't busy,

I was wondering if I could
talk to you for a second?

- Sure. What about?

- Well, I suppose you know

that Kirk and I had
a fight last night.

- Yeah.

- There was a fight
and you didn't tell me?

- Well, the reason I came over

is because you've
both been married,

and I figured you've
got experience.

I mean, you've probably
seen this kind of thing before.

What do you do when
the person you love

has things about
him that you hate?

- Well, for one thing,
you talk to them

and you tell them you love them

and you try to help
them to change.

- And if they don't, Reno.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- I saw you pull up. I
knew you were over here.

- Well, I was talking to
Stephanie and Joanna.

- Oh.

Still mad at me?

- Yeah.

- I'm not mad at you.

- I didn't do anything.

- Right.

I brought you a present.

- Oh, Kirk.

Thank you.

- Forgive me?

- Of course I forgive you.

I just wish you wouldn't
get so angry about things.

- I promise I won't do it again.

- Don't make promises
you can't keep.

- I promise I won't
do that either.

- Well, I'm sorry, too.

And I promise the next time
we fight, I won't run away.

You know what's
great about this?

We both made a mistake
last night, but we got past it.

We're both becoming
mature, responsible adults.

- Does this mean we're
snuggle bunnies again?

- Yeah.

- I just love it when
people kiss and make up.

- Oh, my God! You
just reminded me.

I think I'm out of makeup.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- What are you
doing home so soon?

- The meeting's over.
- Already?

- Dick, guess what?

Cindy and I are
back together again.

- Yahoo.

- What happened?

- Nothing, except
they didn't want me.

- What?

- Who didn't want you?
- George's lodge.

- You couldn't get
in the Beavers?

- You know, I think
this would be a good...

- Nobody is turned
down by the Beavers.

- Yeah, we're going.

- No one wants to
even be in the Beavers.

- Good night, everybody.

- They asked me to be in the
Beavers. I turned them down.

I can't believe you're
hugging the Beavers.

- Well, I can't
believe it either.

- Honey, I don't
wanna talk about it.

- Well, I talked to Chuck.

Did Dick tell you he
didn't get in the Beavers?

- George, we're not
gonna talk about it.

- I can't help it. I
think it's lousy, Dick.

I mean, letting Harley Estin
in and turning you down.

- Who's Harley Estin?

- Somebody's out of
work brother-in-law.

That's what I meant
about clubs. They're elitist.

Somebody always gets
hurt and it's always me.

- Dick, we're not elitists.

We don't have
any standards at all.

- Well, then how
come I'm not in?

- I don't know.

We let Benny Wiggins
in and he's done time.

- Well, there has to
be an explanation.

- Bernie Blodgett is a member
and he doesn't even bathe!

- George!

- One night they all got drunk

and they even made Bill
Rivers' collie a member.

- Dick, do you know
why they rejected you?

- I guess I'm not
Beaver material.

I guess they only like crooks
and collies. Who cares?

- You care. You're a
thinking, feeling human being,

and people don't like you.

Don't you wanna know why?

- Well, of course I
wanna know why.

What am I supposed to do,
go down there and ask them?

- Yes. You could go down
there and demand an explanation.

- You know, I have
half a mind to do that.

- And I've got the
other half. Let's go.

- You want me to get
their attention, Dick?

- No. Let's just wait
till they notice me.

- Do you think we've
given them enough time?

- Yeah.

Guys?

Beavers?

There's no more beer!

I was only kidding.

- What's going on?

- Look, I know I'm not
supposed to be here,

but I came back

because I think you
owe me an explanation.

- Me, too, and we're not leaving

till you give us one.

- What kind of an
explanation do you want?

- Why I'm not in the lodge.

- 'Cause everybody
voted against you.

- I know that, but why?

- Well, Dick, if
we told you that,

we'd be breaking a bylaw

that's stood for over 75 years.

But since I've had a few
beers, what the heck?

The reason you're
not in the club

is we didn't think you'd fit in.

- Well, what do you mean?

- Dick, the Beaver
Lodge was established

as a fraternal organization

for the enjoyment
and the enrichment

of the ordinary
slob on the street.

- Well, Dick's one of those.

- No, he's not, George.
No offense, Dick.

- Oh, none taken.

- Dick, you're a rich guy.

- No, I'm not.

- Compared to us, you are.

I mean, you own
the Stratford Inn.

You're a writer.

It sounds like you might
even have gone to college.

Just doesn't seem

that you're the plain,
ordinary kind of a guy

that the Beavers are all about.

- Wait a minute. You
mean I was rejected

because I'm too good for you?

- Well, wait a minute.

I've known Dick Loudon
since he came to town,

and he's not too
good for anybody.

- Thanks, George.

- In fact, he's one of the
commonest guys I know.

- George, you
don't have to do this.

- Yes, I do. My
friend Dick Loudon

is as ordinary as dirt.

Why, he wouldn't know
uptown if you drove him there.

If the Beavers really stand for
the ordinary slob on the street,

then I'd like to have
somebody tell me

what's wrong with this one.

- Well, gee, maybe
we misjudged you, Dick.

- Look, I didn't come over here

to have you feel sorry for me.

- Maybe not, but we do.

- Right.
- Right.

- Now, as president,
I'm gonna call

a special mercy
vote for Dick Loudon.

Now, everybody that wants
him in the club, raise your hand.

- Congratulations, Dick.

Somebody get him a mug of beer.

- Get him one of the dead
Johnson brothers' mugs.

- George, you ready
to begin the initiation?

- You bet!

- What initiation?

- Don't move, Dick.

- You're not gonna make
me wear a hat, are you?

- No, no.

- George, what...

- Uh! Uh! There you are.
- What are you doing?

- As a new member, Dick,

you're required
to wear that tail.

- For how long?

- For one full year.

- You mean, I
have to wear this tail

to every meeting for a year?

- No. You have to wear that tail

every place you go for a year.

- You'd be surprised
how fast that year flies by.

- Well, welcome, Beaver Brother.

Got any job
openings at your inn?

- I didn't lose it.

I haven't seen it the whole
time we've been here, Evelyn.

Why don't you take
the blame for once?

Just once is all I'm asking.

It's not my fault.

- Is that Mr. Breech?

- Yeah.
- What's he doing?

- Arguing with Evelyn.

- What about?

- What difference does it make?

- Sure, sure, sure.

- Good morning, Mr. Breech.
- Morning.

- You checking out?
- Yes, we are.

- Excuse me. Aren't you
going to pay your bill?

- Evelyn will take care of it.

Evelyn takes care of everything!

- Are you gonna let him
get away without paying?

- Of course not.

I don't care if he is crazy.

I'm going after him.

- Meow.