Newhart (1982–1990): Season 2, Episode 18 - Go, Grandma, Go - full transcript

- Dick.

Wait 'til you see what I
got at the hardware store.

- What is it, George?

- Something that's going to be

a big help to both
of us around here.

- Walkie-talkies?

- Yeah. The age of electronics
has come to the Stratford.

From now on, if
you ever need me,

all you have to do is
pull out this antenna,

and push down on that
little switch right there,

and say, "George, come in.



Come in, George. Do
you read me? Over."

- I'm not gonna say that.

- Well, then, just say "George"
and I'll know what you mean.

Anyway, it's going to be great.

You'll never have
to look for me again.

- No, now I'll have
to look for this.

- Let's try it out.

You stay here and I'll
go into the dining room.

Okay, go ahead.

- Uh...

George, would you
please come in here?

- Roger, Dick. Where are you?

- The garage.

George?



George!

- Hi, honey. What's that?

- It's a walkie-talkie.

- Where did you get it?

- George bought it.
He thought it would

make it easier
for us to find him.

- Where is he?
- I have no idea.

Dick.

- Yes, George?

- You didn't mean
it when you said

you were in the garage, did you?

- No, George, I'm sorry.
I'm still in the lobby.

- Let me talk to him.

Hello, George? This is Joanna.

- Hi, Joanna. Where are you?

I'm in the lobby.

Listen, could you
find the step-ladder

in the garage and
bring it in here?

- You bet I can! Over and out.

- Roger.

I think this is wonderful.

- Good.

- Oh, excuse me.

- Blanche?

- Good, you remember me.

- Are you kidding? Of
course we remember you.

- Oh, thank you.

- Honey, this is
Kirk's grandmother.

- I know, honey.
I remember, too.

- Oh, it's good
to see you again.

- Thank you.

- Come on in. Sit down.

How are you?

- Well, I'm a little tired.

It's this cross-country
business.

Runs me ragged.

- Oh, that's right. You came
all the way from Montana.

- You know, we were
expecting you at Kirk's wedding.

- Well, I was
expecting to be here.

You know, I was
right on schedule

until I got to Akron.

And then I met this gentleman.

And, well, you
know how that goes.

Anyway, anyway, I'm here now.

How's the bride and groom?

- Oh, they're fine.

Unfortunately, they left for
their honeymoon this morning.

- I missed them?
- Yeah, I'm sorry.

- Well, it's my own fault for
thinking with my glands again.

I hope they won't be mad at me.

- Oh, I'm sure
they'll understand.

I mean, who hasn't
lost their heart in Akron?

- Tell me, is this girl that
Kirk married, is she nice?

- Oh, she is wonderful.

I know you're going to like her.

- Oh, I know I will.

And if I don't, it won't matter,

'cause I live 2000 miles away.

- Listen, I was just
about to fix lunch.

Will you join us?
- Love to.

- Good. Would you
like anything special?

- Something special
would be fine.

- Surprise, look who's back.

- Surprise, yourself.
Look who's here.

- Grandma!

I can't believe it's you!

- You think I'd miss my
grandson's wedding?

- You did miss it.

- Yeah, I couldn't
help it. I was in Akron.

I was telling Dick and
Joanna all about it.

And I ran into this gentleman...

- Say no more.

- He knows all about that.

- Grandma, I wasn't sure
I'd ever get to say this,

but I'd like you
to meet my wife.

This is Cindy. Cindy,
this is my grandma.

- Oh, it's wonderful
to meet you.

- And you, too.

- Why aren't you two on
your way to Niagara Falls?

- Niagara Falls?

Is he classy, or what?

- Our car broke down
on the way out of town.

It won't be fixed
until tomorrow.

- You mean you're
going to have to spend

the first night of your
honeymoon here at home?

- Well, you know, now that
Kirk's grandmother is here,

maybe we should
postpone our honeymoon?

- Oh, she's sweet,
but she's nuts.

You can't spend your
honeymoon at home.

Take my car.

- Grandma, we can't do that.

It would leave you stranded.

- So what?

I'm having my mail held
for about three weeks.

I can hang in with
Dick and Joanna,

if that's all right with you.

- Of course it is.

- Only this time, I insist
on paying for my room.

- We won't hear of it.
- I love these people.

- All right, Grandma.
If you really mean this,

we'll take you up on your offer.

- Sure, but before you go,

I've got you a wedding present.

- Oh, how sweet of you.

Well, I know that new couples
need things to start out with.

- Yeah. Oh.

Oh, bourbon.

How nice.

- I just know your blend.
- Thanks, Grandma.

We'll think of you whenever
we make a highball.

- Well, anyhow, here
are the keys to the car.

So go and enjoy yourselves.

- We really appreciate this.

Thank you.
- Goodbye, Grandma.

- Goodbye, sweetheart.

- Goodbye, you two.
- Goodbye.

- Oh, they're adorable.
- Oh, aren't they?

Well, what do you say
we go to the dining room

and I'll make us
that lunch I promised.

- Good. Oh boy, I see those two,

and I think about Kirk's
grandfather and me.

What a honeymoon we had.

- Where'd you go?
- Back to his place.

- Joanna?

Now she's doing it to me, too.

- Hi.

- Oh, hi.

- What do you got there?
- Just some packages.

I was feeling kind of down,
so I decided to go into town

and buy a few
things to lift my spirits.

Bought some really cute blouses.

Would you like to see them?

- Sure.

- They had an unbelievable
selection of colors.

I bought most of them.

By the way, who are you?

- Blanche Devane.

- Any relation to Kirk?

- His grandmother.

- Oh! I'm Stephanie
Vanderkellen.

- Are you a guest here?

- I wish. I'm the maid.

What do you think?

- Very nice.

- They cost me
two months salary,

but what could I do?

I have to wear silk.

- Why is that?

Anything else makes me dizzy.

- Well, Stephanie, you
know, you impress me

as a kind of girl who
wouldn't be a maid.

You impress me as the kind
of girl who would have a maid.

- That is so great
of you to say that.

I actually do come from
a very wealthy family,

but they cut me off.

- Ah. So what are
you doing up here?

- Well, for the
first time in my life,

I'm trying to be independent
and self-sufficient.

But basically I'm praying

I'll fall in love
with a rich man

and never have to work
another day as long as I live.

- Oh, yeah.

Well, you know, I
found out one thing.

If you want to go
after something,

you have to ask for it.

No good sitting around,
expecting the world

to come up and
read your thoughts.

The world is reading
the newspaper.

Now, you have to
go over to a man,

talk to him and take the
newspaper out of his hand.

Hit him over the
head if you have to.

And say, "Look at me.

I'm a woman. Buy me a drink."

- That's an approach
I haven't tried.

- Excuse us.

- Hi, guys!

- Hi, I'm Larry. This
is my brother Darryl.

This is my other brother Darryl.

- They're looking after the cafe

while Kirk and Cindy
are on their honeymoon.

- Oh. I'm Blanche,
Kirk's grandmother.

How's it going over there?

- Well, everything
was going fine

until we got a customer,
and that's when we hit a snag.

We came to see if
Mr. Loudon could help us out.

- Hold on, I'll see
if he's in his study.

- What do you boys
do when you're not

looking after the cafe?

- We haul rubbish, drain swamps,

cart away dead livestock.

Anything where we can get paid

and have fun at the same time.

- He'll be out in a minute.

If you'll excuse me,
I have to go upstairs

and put this stuff away.

- Miss Stephanie?

May I say you're
looking lovely today.

- Yes, you may.

- Thank you.

- Oh, hi, guys.

- These gentlemen
have a problem.

- I know.

What's the trouble?

- Kirk didn't leave no
money in the cash register

to make change.

- How much money do you need?

- Three quarters.

- That's all you need?

- Well, there's a man over
there whose bill came to $4.25.

He gived us $5, and
the way Darryl figures it,

we owe him 75 cents.

That's three quarters.

- Do these guys know
what they're doing?

- Not really.

- What would you think if I
went over there for a while

and gave them a hand?

- I think it might help.

- You got three quarters?

Uh, look, boys,

what would you say to
me coming over there

and giving you a
hand for a while?

- We'd say yes.

- Let's go.
- Hi-ho, hi-ho.

- Oh, get that, Dick, will you?

- Hello, Stratford Inn.

Kirk?

What are you...

What do you mean, shut up,
this is your one phone call?

What happ... You're kidding.

Well, where... You're kidding.

Ah... don't worry.

We'll get there as
soon as we can.

Stephanie, Joanna,
come down here.

George.

- This is George. Who's this?

- Dick.

- Where are you?

- I'm in the lobby.

- Where are you, really?

- I'm really in the
lobby. Get in here quick.

- What is it?
- We've got a problem.

- What's going on?

- We need you and George
to keep an eye on the inn.

Joanna, you and I are going
up and help Kirk and Cindy.

- Oh, no. Not more car trouble.

- In a way. They were
arrested for driving a stolen car.

- What?

- But that doesn't make sense.

They were driving Blanche's car.

- I know. We'd better go get...

- Get her and head up there.
- Okay.

- What should I do?

- I've got a basket full of
wet clothes in the basement.

Will you put them in the dryer?
- Of course.

This is an emergency.

- What is it?

Okay, now I'm getting mad.

- Okay, you guys.
- 25, 50, 75.

- There you are.

Nice of you to drop by.

Do come back again, huh?

- We appreciate
you helping us out.

- Oh, happy to.

- Anyway we can
return the favor?

- Uh... Have you
ever played blackjack?

- No.

- Well, we may have found a way.

Let's play a few hands

and you'll learn as we go alone.

Oh, hi! You're just in time.

We're going to play
a little blackjack.

- Blanche, we
have to talk to you.

- We just got a call from
Kirk. He and Cindy are in jail.

- Jail?

What for?

- It seems the car they were
driving was reported stolen.

- Now, Blanche do
you have any idea why

they would think
your car is stolen?

- Well, maybe it isn't
just exactly my car.

- Whose is it?

- Remember the
gentleman in Akron?

- You stole his car?

- Of course not.

Stealing is you
go in a parking lot,

choose a car at random,

smash the window and hotwire it.

No. All I did was take
the keys out of his pocket

while he was sleeping.

I even left a note.

But the law is funny.

This is where if you
are the owner of the car,

you have all the advantages.

- All right, look, can we
talk about this on the way?

- Listen, it's all my fault.

Just give me the keys to
your car and I'll handle it.

- No.

What I mean is I think
all of us should go.

- I wish you wouldn't do this.

I'm beginning to
feel as if my visit

was suddenly
becoming an imposition.

- Don't be silly.
We love having you.

- Right. Now, let's...

get your grandson
and his bride out of...

out of jail.

- I guess we can
still play cards.

How about a game of war?

Ready?

Go.

- Okay, get in there.

And this time, no
fighting in the cell.

- Excuse me?

Couldn't you just handcuff
me to a tree or something?

- You'll be all right.
- Uh-huh.

- What are you in for?

- Driving my grandmother's car.

What about you?

- Assault with a battery.
- What?

- I hit a guy with a Die Hard.

- This is insane. I've
never been in jail in my life.

- Well, neither have I.

Do you think this
is any easier for me,

standing here, looking
at my husband in a cell

with that gorilla?

- Are you trying
to get me killed?

This is a great guy.

- Get me out of here.

- Honey, don't worry.
It'll get all straightened out

as soon as your
grandmother gets here.

- Oh, I hope so.

- Well, you know it will.
This has to be a mistake.

- Look, Cindy, there's
something about

my grandmother
I didn't tell you.

Something I'm not
exactly proud of.

- Well, what's that?

- Well, she's been in and
out of prison all her life.

- Your grandmother?

- Yeah.
- For what?

- Stealing cars.

- Kirk, if you knew this,

how could you let
us take her car?

- I never even thought about it.

All I was thinking
about was you and me

getting to Niagara Falls.

- Gee, Kirk, maybe this is
more serious than I thought.

Look, maybe I
ought to call the hotel

and let them know
we're going to be late.

I don't want to
lose our deposit.

- How can you be
thinking about a deposit

when I'm standing here
facing grand theft auto?

- But it's $50.
- So what if it's $50?

All right, make the call.

- Oh, thank God you're here!

- Dick! Joanna! Grandma!

I've never been so happy
to see anybody in my life.

What took you so long?

- Dick wouldn't let me drive.

- Are you guys okay?

- I'm feeling a little crowded.

- Help me, please.

- Look, don't panic. We're
going to get you out of here.

- Excuse me, are
you Blanche Devane?

- Who wants to know?

- Um, he does, Blanche.

- We picked up your
grandson this afternoon

driving a stolen car.

He claims that
he got it from you.

Is that true?
- Who wants to know?

- Blanche.

- Are you aware the car is
registered to a Willard Bailey,

in Akron, Ohio?

- Look, this whole thing
is a misunderstanding.

- Who are you?

- Who wants to know?

- Blanche, I'm not
going to tell you again.

Uh, look, I'm Dick Loudon.
This is my wife, Joanna.

We're neighbors of the suspect.

We were at the location
when the alleged vehicle

was being exchanged
between the accusee

and the accusee's grandmother

who acquired the said
vehicle from the aforementioned

Mr. Bailey under
circumstances which,

well, for the
sake of discretion,

are possibly better
left undisclosed.

- Huh?

- Dick, I appreciate
what you're trying to say.

But I think you're getting
everybody all confused.

You see, what he's
trying to tell you was,

Willard and I were
in love for one night.

Then it was over, and
I borrowed his wheels.

- Is that a confession?

- It's better than a
confession. It's the truth.

- Constable, under
the circumstances,

I think we can let
that young man go.

- Wee!
- Finally!

- Thank you for understanding.

- Yeah, I never thought
it'd be that simple.

And constable, would you
please book Mrs. Devane?

- What?

- What are you talking about?

- She's under arrest.

- I thought we had
everything worked out.

- Mr. Loudon, she's being
charged with grand theft auto,

and transporting a stolen
car across state lines.

I have to turn her over
to the federal authorities.

- But you can't
arrest my grandma.

- Oh, come on.
Don't get dramatic.

I've been through
all this before.

- But I haven't. What's
going to happen to you?

I can't let this happen.
Officer, I lied to you before.

- What?

- I didn't borrow the car
from my grandmother.

I borrowed it from this man.

- What?
- What?

- Come on, Dick.
She's my grandmother.

Be a man. Take the rap.

- I'm not gonna take the rap.

- Okay, then, I stole the car.

- Kirk, what are you doing?

- You can't confess to a
crime you didn't commit.

- Somebody's got to
confess to something.

I can't send my
grandmother to prison.

- But I don't want to
see you go to prison.

Well, I don't want to see
you go to prison, either.

I mean, I don't want to
see anybody go to prison.

But, you know, that's just me.

- Ah, let's face the facts.

It's my fault. Slip
the cuffs of me, chief.

I'm ready to go.

- I don't think the handcuffs
will be necessary, Mrs. Devane.

- Wait a minute, isn't
there anything we can do?

- I'm afraid not, Mr. Loudon.

- Can we at least have a
minute to say goodbye?

- Sure.

- Oh, yeah.

Give us a break, sweetie.

Don't be upset, darling.

I'm happy.

- How can you be happy?

- Because, dummy,
you're married,

and I don't have to
worry about you anymore.

For the first time,
I can go to jail

without having a heavy heart.

Cindy, I'm so happy
you married him, dear.

He needed it.

Oh, boy. Dick, Joanna,
thanks for all the freebies.

- Oh, Blanche. Is there
anything we can do to help you?

- Is there anything you need?

- Well, the only thing I can
think of would be money,

and I'll keep you in mind.

- All right, come on. Let's go.

Who's driving?
- I am.

- You cute thing. Come on.

- Bye, Grandma.
- Ah, sweetheart.

- I can't believe she's gone.

- Kirk, we'll do everything
we can to get her out.

- You're darn right we will.

I'm gonna hire the best
lawyer money can buy,

and I don't care if I
have to sell the cafe

and go into debt.

I don't care if you and I
both have to go into debt.

I'm going to get
her out of this.

- Excuse me, where's
your grandmother's purse?

- Her purse?
- Doesn't she have it?

- She said she left it in here.

- Wait a minute! Come back here!