Newhart (1982–1990): Season 2, Episode 17 - Kirk Ties One On - full transcript

AND WITH THAT, I WILL
PRONOUNCE YOU HUSBAND AND WIFE.

YOU WILL KISS THE BRIDE,
AND HALF YOUR GUESTS

WILL BE BLUBBERING,
AND THAT'LL BE THAT.

LISTEN, THANKS A MILLION
FOR EVERYTHING, REVEREND.

- OH.
- YOU'VE BEEN GREAT.
- MY PLEASURE.

THANKS FROM ME, TOO.
I REALLY APPRECIATE

EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE.

UH, MR. DEVANE,

WE CAN TAKE CARE OF
THAT TOMORROW NIGHT.

OKAY.

GOOD NIGHT,
REVEREND. THANKS AGAIN.



- GOOD NIGHT.
- BYE-BYE.

AND WE'LL SEE YOU
ALL TOMORROW NIGHT.

REMEMBER. SEVEN O'CLOCK.

I'LL REMEMBER.

WELL, ARE YOU STARTING
TO GET NERVOUS?

- YEAH, A LITTLE.
- NOT ME. I'M JUST EXCITED.

I CAN'T BELIEVE, IN 24 HOURS,

I'M GONNA BE MR. KIRK DEVANE.

I KNOW IT'S A LITTLE PREMATURE,

BUT I THOUGHT WE SHOULD
HAVE SOME CHAMPAGNE

- TO CELEBRATE.
- OH, HOT DOG.

ALL RIGHT.

- THERE YOU GO.
- OH.

THIS IS THE GREATEST
NIGHT OF MY LIFE.



DICK, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO MAKE THE FIRST TOAST?

UH, SURE.

TO... TO THE BRIDE AND GROOM.

KIRK.

DID I PICK THE RIGHT
BEST MAN OR WHAT?

NOW I'D LIKE TO MAKE A TOAST.

BUT DICK'S IS GONNA
BE PRETTY HARD TO TOP.

TO DICK AND JOANNA.

FOR ALLOWING US TO...

BE MARRIED IN THEIR LOVELY HOME.

AND FOR BEING OUR BEST
MAN AND MATRON OF HONOR.

OH.

TO STEPHANIE AND GEORGE.

FOR BEING OUR
BRIDESMAID AND OUR USHER.

AND TO CINDY.

WHOSE GOODNESS OF
SPIRIT AND JOY OF LIFE

HAVE MADE ME THE
HAPPIEST MAN IN THE WORLD.

AND TO AMERICA.

AMEN.

I'M NOT USED TO DRINKING
CHAMPAGNE AFTER AMEN,

BUT... WHY NOT?

NOW I'D LIKE TO MAKE A TOAST.

TO CINDY.

FOR ASKING ME TO
BE A PART OF ALL THIS.

IT'S REALLY AN HONOR FOR ME.

I'VE BEEN ALWAYS BEEN A
BRIDE. NEVER A BRIDESMAID.

THANK YOU.

STEPHANIE.

THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

YOU KNOW, KIRK, I
HAVE TO SAY, I'VE...

I'VE NEVER KNOWN A MAN WHO WAS

SO HAPPY ABOUT GETTING MARRIED.

I CAN'T HELP IT, DICK.

NOBODY KNOWS HOW LONG
I'VE DREAMED ABOUT THIS.

AND THE AMAZING THING IS,
EVERYTHING IS TURNING OUT

EXACTLY AS I HOPED IT WOULD.

I'M HAVING A BEAUTIFUL WEDDING

IN A BEAUTIFUL PLACE
WITH BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.

I LOVE EACH AND
EVERY ONE OF YOU.

AWW.

HONEY, HONEY, I THINK
THAT'S ENOUGH CHAMPAGNE.

SO, WHAT'S EVERYBODY
GONNA BE DOING TOMORROW

- BEFORE THE WEDDING?
- WELL, KIRK, I THINK

WE'RE ALL GONNA BE BUSY
GETTING EVERYTHING READY.

- OH, RIGHT.
- WHY? WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA BE DOING?

I DON'T KNOW. IN THE MORNING,
I THINK I'LL GET A HAIRCUT,

AND IN THE AFTERNOON,
I THOUGHT MAYBE

I'D GO DOWN AND
BOWL A FEW GAMES.

IF THAT'S OKAY WITH YOU.

WHATEVER YOU WANT, HONEY.

IT'S YOUR DAY.

- HI.
- HI, GUYS.

I'M LARRY. THIS IS
MY BROTHER, DARRYL.

THIS IS MY OTHER
BROTHER, DARRYL.

ARE YOU HERE FOR THE WEDDING

OR THE SEPTIC TANK?

- INVITATION SAID THE WEDDING.
- OH, FINE.

I'M EXCITED, DICK.

THIS IS THE HAPPIEST
MOMENT OF MY LIFE.

I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

CAN YOU TELL ME
FACING THE OTHER WAY?

I HAVE TO GET THIS TIE FASTENED.

I WASN'T SURE I WAS
EVER GONNA MEET ANYONE

WHO CARED ENOUGH ABOUT ME

TO GO THROUGH ALL THIS.

WELL, CINDY LOVES YOU VERY MUCH.

I MEANT YOU.

OH.

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.

YOU, UH... YOU AREN'T GONNA

HUG ME AGAIN, ARE YOU?

THERE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

YOU LOOK ABSOLUTELY STUNNING.

YOU SHOULD SEE YOURSELF.

I DID. IN THE REFRIGERATOR.

I LOOK SQUATTY.

YOU DO NOT. YOU LOOK GORGEOUS.

- ARE YOU NERVOUS?
- MM-HMM.

WELL, IT'S HARD NOT TO
BE A LITTLE OVERWHELMED

BY EVERYTHING THAT'S
ABOUT TO HAPPEN.

I MEAN, MARRIAGE IS PERMANENT.

NO, IT ISN'T.

I'D JUST LIKE TO TAKE A
MOMENT BEFORE THE CEREMONY

TO, UH, SAY A FEW
WORDS TO THE GROOM.

YOU WANNA KNOW IF I'M CHASTE.

NO, IT HASN'T NOTHING
TO DO WITH THAT.

BECAUSE, IF YOU DO,
I CAN GET WITNESSES

TO PROVE THAT I AM.

KIRK, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST LET REVEREND MILLER

- SAY WHAT HE HAS TO SAY?
- OKAY.

I WANT YOU TO PAY
PARTICULAR ATTENTION

TO THE VOWS THAT
YOU ARE ABOUT TO TAKE.

WHY?

BECAUSE, MANY TIMES,
PEOPLE THINK OF THEM

AS JUST WORDS. AND
THEY'RE SO MUCH MORE

THAN JUST WORDS. THEY'RE A...

THEY'RE A COMMITMENT.
A CONTRACT FOR LIFE.

- THEY ARE.
- YES.

YOU ARE ABOUT TO
TAKE A VERY BIG STEP.

YOU'RE MAKING A
PROMISE BEFORE GOD

TO LOVE, HONOR, AND
STAND BY THIS PERSON,

NO MATTER WHAT, FOR
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

BOY.

KIRK. IT'S, UH, IT'S
MORE FUN THAN THAT.

WELL, NO WORD FROM THE GOVERNOR.

SO I GUESS IT'S A GO.

WELL, THE JOYFUL
MOMENT HAS ARRIVED.

I'LL SEE YOU IN THE
LOBBY. EXCUSE ME.

IS IT HOT IN HERE?

UH, NO, KIRK. YOU'RE
JUST A LITTLE NERVOUS.

WELL, I'M SURE
YOU'LL FEEL BETTER

ONCE YOU'RE OUT THERE ENJOYING

THE HAPPIEST
MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE.

RIGHT.

♪♪ ["HERE COMES THE BRIDE"]

MR. DEVANE.

YOU ARE FACED IN
THE WRONG DIRECTION.

OH, SHE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL.

- ARE YOU OKAY?
- I LOVE YOU.

DEARLY BELOVED...

IS HE ON YOUR DRESS?

ALL RIGHT, STAND
BACK, GIVE HIM AIR.

I KNOW HOW TO GIVE
MOUTH-TO-MOUTH RESUSCITATION.

YEAH, HE'S FINE. CINDY JUST
CALLED FROM THE HOSPITAL,

AND, UH, THEY'RE ON
THEIR WAY HOME RIGHT NOW.

IT WAS A SHAME.

OH, THANK YOU, WE
THOUGHT THE PLACE

LOOKED LOVELY, TOO.

UH, WE GOT THEM FROM
SWEENEY'S FLORIST.

OH, THOSE ARE LITTLE
CRACKERS THAT ARE

MADE FROM CREAM CHEESE.

WELL, I'M SURE... I'M
SURE SHE'D BE GLAD

TO GIVE YOU THE RECIPE.

WELL, LISTEN, THANK
YOU FOR CALLING, AND, UH,

THANK YOU AND YOUR BROTHERS
FOR FIXING THE SEPTIC TANK.

GOOD NIGHT.

THAT LARRY IS A CLASS GUY.

YEAH.

I CAN'T HELP IT. I STILL
FEEL BADLY FOR KIRK.

YEAH, IT'S JUST SUCH A
SHAME THIS HAD TO HAPPEN.

AFTER ALL OF THIS WORK

AND EFFORT AND WORRY.

I DOUBT IF MY HAIR WILL EVER
TURN OUT THIS WELL AGAIN.

- HI, EVERYBODY.
- [ALL] HI.

THERE YOU ARE.
HOW'RE YOU FEELING?

- LIKE A FOOL.
- OH, KIRK.

- CAN WE GET YOU ANYTHING?
- NO.

I'LL HAVE SOME COFFEE AND
MAYBE ONE OF THOSE LITTLE ECLAIRS.

OH, WHY DON'T YOU MAKE
COFFEE FOR ALL OF US?

OH, I SEE. IT WAS A TRICK.

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
THE HAPPIEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE.

NOW IT'S THE MOST HUMILIATING.

WOULD SOMEBODY
TALK TO HIM, PLEASE?

I CAN'T GET THROUGH TO HIM.

LOOK, UH, KIRK.

I... I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

- HAVE YOU EVER FAINTED?
- WELL, NO.

THEN YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL.

WELL, I... I DON'T KNOW
HOW IT FEELS TO FAINT,

BUT I... I KNOW
HOW IT FEELS TO...

BE A FOOL.

LOOK, THE... THE POINT IS,
YOU HAVE TO GET PAST THIS.

UH, IF YOU WANT, WE'LL, UM,

WE'LL DO THE... THE
WHOLE THING AGAIN,

AND THE NEXT
TIME, YOU'LL BE FINE.

HOW CAN WE DO THIS AGAIN?

WE CAN'T AFFORD TO PAY FOR
MORE FLOWERS AND DECORATIONS.

WELL, WE'LL JUST PUT
EVERYTHING ON ICE.

WE HAVEN'T THROWN ANYTHING AWAY.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE
WE SHOULD JUST GO

TO A JUSTICE OF THE PEACE

AND HAVE A NICE, SIMPLE LITTLE
CEREMONY. JUST YOU AND ME.

BUT I WANNA GET
MARRIED LIKE WE PLANNED.

I JUST DON'T WANNA FAINT.

WELL, I'M SURE YOU WON'T.

IT'S POSSIBLE. I COME
FROM A FAMILY OF FAINTERS.

ACTUALLY, JUST THE MEN.
THE WOMEN ARE BULLDOGS.

LOOK, UH, KIRK, WHEN...

WHEN JOANNA AND I WERE MARRIED,

I MEAN, I WAS NERVOUS, TOO.

THE ONLY THING THAT GOT
ME THROUGH IT WAS THAT

I... I TRIED TO THINK
ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.

WHENEVER I GET OVERWROUGHT,

I ALWAYS JUST TRY
TO CLEAR MY HEAD

AND THINK ABOUT NOTHING.

YOU MUST BE THE
CALMEST MAN IN THE WORLD.

WELL, I'D LIKE TO THINK SO.

LOOK, IF YOU ALL DON'T MIND,

I THINK I'D LIKE TO TRY
THIS AGAIN NEXT SATURDAY.

OF COURSE WE DON'T MIND.

I'LL HAVE TO CHECK MY CALENDAR.

OH, I'M KIDDING. OF COURSE
WE'LL DO IT SATURDAY.

EXCUSE ME. IS THERE A TABLE
FOR THE WEDDING PRESENTS?

WELL, NOT REALLY, BUT
IF YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING,

I CAN TAKE IT.

WHAT IS IT?

JUST SOMETHING THAT
GUARANTEES MALE CHILDREN.

EXCUSE ME.

HELLO, WELCOME. WOULD YOU LIKE

TO SIGN OUR GUESTBOOK?

YES, I WOULD.

UH, ARE YOU HERE FOR
THE BRIDE OR THE GROOM?

WE'RE HERE FOR THE WEEKEND.

- WHAT?
- WE HAVE RESERVATIONS.

OH, YOU'RE CHECKING IN. OH, GEE.

WE'RE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF A WEDDING RIGHT NOW.

UH, WHY DON'T YOU, UH,

HAVE A SEAT, AND I'LL
GO GET YOUR LUGGAGE,

AND THEN WE CAN CHECK
YOU IN WHEN THIS IS OVER.

- WHO'S GETTING MARRIED?
- THE BRIDE AND GROOM.

WELL? HOW'S THAT?

OH, CINDY.

YOU GET MORE BEAUTIFUL
WITH EACH WEDDING.

- THANK YOU.
- HOW'RE YOU FEELING?

I FEEL FINE.

DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW KIRK IS?

WELL, I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM, BUT
DICK SAID HE SEEMED MUCH BETTER.

GOOD.

YOU KNOW, CINDY, YEARS FROM NOW,

YOU AND KIRK ARE GONNA
LOOK BACK ON THIS AND LAUGH.

YEAH. I JUST HOPE WHEN WE DO,

WE'RE MARRIED.

I JUST WANTED YOU TO
KNOW THAT WE'RE READY.

- OKAY, GOOD.
- ALL RIGHT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT OUT, REVEREND.

UH, GEORGE?

WHAT... WHAT'RE THOSE?

OH, COME ON, DICK. YOU
KNOW WHAT THESE ARE.

WHAT... WHAT'RE
YOU DOING WITH 'EM?

OH, SOME PEOPLE ARE CHECKING IN.

WELL, PUT 'EM DOWN
AND LISTEN TO THIS.

- WHAT'RE WE DOING?
- OKAY, I NEED YOUR GUYS' HELP.

NOW, I THINK I'M GONNA BE FINE,

BUT JUST IN CASE I
START TO PASS OUT,

I WANT YOU GUYS TO STOP ME.

- HOW?
- OKAY, I'VE WORKED THIS OUT.

DICK, TONIGHT, I WANT YOU
TO GRAB MY ARM JUST LIKE THIS.

OKAY? GEORGE, GET OVER HERE.

I WANT YOU TO HOLD
THE SMELLING SALTS.

THIS IS STUPID.

IT'S NOT STUPID IF IT
KEEPS ME STANDING UP.

OKAY, NOW LET'S
PRETEND I'M PASSING OUT.

I START TO GO DOWN.
YOU JERK ME UP,

AND YOU HIT ME WITH
THE SMELLING SALTS.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S
JUST TRY IT ONE TIME.

READY?

[KIRK SNIFFS]

WOW, OKAY, THAT WORKS.

♪♪ ["HERE COMES THE BRIDE"]

HOW ARE YOU?

DYNAMITE.

DEARLY BELOVED.

KIRK?

YEAH?

WHAT'RE YOU DOING BACK THERE?

HATING MYSELF.

OH, COME ON, PLEASE DON'T.

YOU DON'T KNOW
THE MORNING I'VE HAD.

WHAT HAPPENED?

IT'S ALL OVER TOWN THAT
WE CAN'T GET MARRIED

BECAUSE I KEEP FAINTING.

I WENT INTO THE
BAKERY THIS MORNING

TO PICK OUT OUR LATEST CAKE.

- YEAH?
- THEY ASKED ME IF I WANTED

THE LITTLE GROOM STANDING
NEXT TO THE BRIDE OR...

FACE-DOWN IN THE
ICING BESIDE HER.

THEY WERE JUST TEASING.

WELL, IT ISN'T FUNNY TO ME.

LISTEN, I'VE BEEN
SITTING HERE THINKING.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY
TO FIND ANOTHER GUY.

KIRK, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

NO, I MEAN IT. YOU
DESERVE BETTER THAN ME.

YOU DESERVE A GUY WHO
CAN SWEEP YOU UP HIS ARMS,

NOT FALL INTO YOURS.

LOOK, I KNOW I'VE
BROUGHT THIS UP BEFORE,

BUT WHY DON'T WE
TRY A CIVIL CEREMONY?

YOU KNOW? JUST THE TWO
OF US AT THE COURTHOUSE.

ON THOSE MARBLE
FLOORS? ARE YOU CRAZY?

THEN WHY DON'T WE JUST ELOPE?

BECAUSE I TOLD YOU,

THIS WEDDING IS
LIKE A FANTASY TO ME.

THE WAY WE HAVE IT PLANNED
IS THE WAY I ALWAYS WANTED IT.

I'D LIKE AT LEAST TO
GIVE IT ONE MORE SHOT.

YOU REALLY WANNA GO THROUGH
ALL THIS AGAIN ON SATURDAY?

LISTEN. I PROMISE...
IF I FAINT THIS TIME,

WE'LL TRY IT YOUR WAY.

DO YOU THINK YOU
CAN PUT THE DRESS ON

ONE MORE TIME?

SURE.

HOW MANY GIRLS GET THIS MUCH
WEAR OUT OF A WEDDING GOWN?

ALL SET?

AYUH. WE'RE GONNA TRY IT AGAIN.

THIS IS THE BEST
TURNOUT WE'VE HAD YET.

DICK, YOU HAVE TO
PROMISE ME THAT,

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,

YOU'RE NOT GONNA LET THEM
TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL.

I HAVE TO GET MARRIED TONIGHT.

KIRK, I'M GETTING JUST AS
TIRED OF THIS AS YOU ARE.

I GUARANTEE YOU, YOU'RE
GETTING MARRIED TONIGHT.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

DICK, THE DOCTOR'S HERE.

WHAT DOCTOR?

- HI, DICK.
- HI, DOC.

M... MAYBE WE SHOULD'VE
TALKED THIS OVER,

BUT, UM, I THOUGHT
THAT MAYBE THIS TIME,

IT MIGHT NOT BE A BAD IDEA

IF A DOCTOR WAS STANDING BY.

YOU THINK I'M GONNA
FAINT AGAIN, DON'T YOU?

LOOK AT YOU... YOU'RE A WRECK.

YOU CUT YOUR SHOULDER SHAVING.

Y... YOU'RE MORE
NERVOUS THAN EVER.

OF COURSE I'M NERVOUS. I
MIGHT BE GETTING MARRIED.

KIRK, I'M DR. PERLOW.

THE HOSPITAL FILLED
ME IN ON YOUR SITUATION.

IT ISN'T REALLY THAT UNUSUAL.

YOU'VE BEEN UNDER
A LOT OF STRESS.

IS THERE ANYTHING
YOU CAN DO FOR ME?

WELL, I MIGHT BE
ABLE TO HELP YOU

GET THROUGH THE CEREMONY.

IF YOU COULD DO THAT FOR
ME, I'D CARRY YOUR GOLF CLUBS

FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA, DICK.

NOW, WILL YOU ROLL UP
YOUR SLEEVE FOR ME, PLEASE?

- WHY?
- SO I CAN GIVE YOU THIS.

WHAT DOES THAT DO?

IT RELAXES YOU.

I'LL TAKE IT.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

THEY'RE FINALLY GETTING MARRIED.

THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON.

♪♪ ["HERE COMES THE BRIDE"]

YOU'RE KIDDING.

JUST GET UP HERE.

I'LL EXPLAIN LATER.
KEEP MARCHING.

I TOLD YOU I'D MAKE IT.

DEARLY BELOVED...

GO ON.

WITH PLEASURE.

WE ARE GATHERED HERE TO
JOIN THIS MAN AND THIS WOMAN

IN HOLY MATRIMONY.

WHICH IS AN HONORABLE ESTATE

AND SHOULD NOT BE
ENTERED INTO LIGHTLY.

CINDY PARKER. DO
YOU TAKE KIRK DEVANE

TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY
WEDDED HUSBAND?

TO HAVE AND TO HOLD,
FROM THIS DAY FORWARD.

FOR RICHER AND FOR POORER.

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH.

FORSAKING ALL OTHERS
UNTIL DEATH DUE YOU PART?

I DO.

I DO, TOO.

OH?

OKAY.

UH... MAY I HAVE
THE RING PLEASE?

WOULD YOU, UH, PUT
THIS ON HER FINGER?

DICK, COULD YOU DO IT?

I'M A LITTLE TIED UP.

REPEAT AFTER ME.

WITH THIS RING, I THEE WED.

WITH THIS RING, I THEE WED.

I THINK HE MEANS ME.

I'M SORRY.

WITH THIS RING, I THEE WED.

BY THE POWER INVESTED IN
ME BY THE STATE OF VERMONT,

I NOW PRONOUNCE THAT YOU ARE

HUSBAND AND WIFE, FINALLY.

- OH!
- YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.

♪♪ []