Newhart (1982–1990): Season 2, Episode 16 - Best Friends - full transcript
Kirk plans to sell the Minuteman Cafe, which will result in a fast food restaurant next door to the Stratford Inn, unless Dick admits Kirk is his best friend.
- Excuse me, Joanna, is
that the morning paper?
- Yes, it is.
- Can I have the
financial section?
- Sure. Why?
- I want to spit out my gum.
- Hi, everybody.
- Oh, there you are.
You weren't down for
breakfast this morning.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Joanna. I
guess I should've told you.
Something terrible has happened.
Can I have the
rest of the day off?
- Of course, what's the matter?
- Yeah. Why are you
wearing the dark glasses?
Have you been crying?
- Yes.
- Stephanie, what's wrong?
- Just this whole year.
I've had an unbelievable
string of bad luck.
- First, my marriage broke up
and then my family
cut me off, and...
now this.
- What?
- This.
- You mean, that pimple?
- You're upset about that?
- Joanna, I've never
had a pimple in my life.
- It's nothing to be
concerned about.
- Oh, yeah. What if it
never stops growing?
- Uh, I only saw
it for a second,
but it didn't look that big.
- Well, it looks big to me.
It's going to look
plenty big to anybody
I might be flirting with.
What am I talking about?
How can you flirt with anybody
with a walnut on your nose?
- It's not a walnut.
- No, it's more like a raisin.
- I really wouldn't
worry about it.
- Well, I'm not going to let
anybody see me like this.
I'm going to go out and buy
every skincare
product I can find.
And then on the way back,
I'm going to stop by a church
and light a candle.
- I guess I'm one
of the lucky ones.
I never had a pimple.
- You are lucky.
- Yeah.
I had warts, I had
corns, I had ringworm,
but I never had a pimple.
- That's good.
- Yeah.
I had cold sores,
I had liver spots,
I had boils, but I
never had a pimple.
What have you had?
- Enough of this conversation.
- Ah, George, just the
man I wanted to see.
- Hi, Kirk.
- Not now. This is important.
George, I need a favor from you.
You're on the Business Permit
Committee with the town council?
- I am?
- Yeah, and the thing is...
- What's the Business
Permit Committee?
- It's a committee
that votes on whether
or not to allow new
businesses in to town.
- How come no one ever told
me I was on the committee?
- Well, probably because there
haven't been any new businesses.
- How long have I
been on the committee?
- I don't know, probably
since it was formed.
- When was that?
- 1685.
You've been on the
committee 300 years.
What's the difference?
The point is there's
a new business
trying to get in to
town and if it does,
it's going to wipe me out.
- What business is that?
- Rocket Burger. It's
this huge fast food chain.
Their motto is "Every seven
seconds someone dies,
someone gives birth and
someone eats a Rocket Burger."
George, tomorrow
night, there's going to be
a special town council meeting,
and they're going
to ask for a vote.
I'm asking you to vote, "No."
In fact, I'm willing
to pay for that vote.
- Kirk, I'm not going
to take your money.
- Then what are you going to do?
- I'm going to go to
the council meeting,
hear both sides of the argument
and base my decision
on whatever I think is right.
- You're insane. Is
Dick in his study?
- No. The floor was just waxed.
- He's in the dining
room, but he's working.
- I'm not going to bother him.
Dick, stop working.
- I'm not going to stop working.
- Come on, don't be rude.
- [typing]
- What are you doing?
- Don't worry, I'm not going to
ask for some outrageous favor.
- Kirk, what...
what do you want?
- I want you to fire George
if he doesn't do what I ask.
Hear me out.
Listen, Rocket Burger is
coming to town, and you may be
the only person to stop it.
- You're speaking, of
course, of my famous
anti-Rocket Burger ray?
- I'm serious, Dick.
If Rocket Burger moves
in, my business is finished.
There's no way I can
compete with them.
- Well, what... what
do you want me to do?
- George is on the
Permit Committee,
you've got to make
him vote, "No."
- I'm not going to tell
George how to vote.
- But he listens to
you. He respects you.
You can twist his mind
easier than wind bends a tree.
- Forget it, Kirk.
I'm not going to
tell him how to vote.
- All right, Dick.
Let's put George
aside for a second.
Let's talk as neighbors,
as members of a quaint
New England community
where children walk
by white picket fences
to red brick school houses,
and Sundays after services
in the old steeple
church, people gather
in the historic town square
or the rustic band show
and celebrate the last
vestiges of Americana.
And picture in
the middle of this
a 35-foot aluminum rocket
ship sitting upright on its tail
with a red neon
Rocket Burger sign
revolving around its nosecone.
I mean, is this what you
want for your town, Dick,
a big flying saucer that
smells like French fries?
It's not what I want.
I don't think it's
what Joanna wants.
And if George had
a brain, I don't think
it'd be what he'd want.
- Kirk, I'm not
condoning Rocket Burger,
but I'm not going to
strong-arm George.
- Well, will you at least
agree to be on my side
at the council meeting?
- Well, I've always
considered myself
on the side of small business,
and you certainly
qualify for that.
I guess that put's
me on your side.
- Will you sit with
me at the meeting?
- I'll even sit with
you at the meeting.
- Will you give a speech?
- If need be.
Uh, Kirk, I will do whatever
you want if it'll help.
- Thanks.
George, Joanna, get in here.
Dick, I'm not
going to forget this.
This may be the biggest
thing you've ever done for me.
- What do you want, Kirk?
- I just want you to
know that you are married
to a giant of a man.
- Thank you.
- Dick has agreed
to speak on my behalf
at the town council
meeting tomorrow night.
This makes him not
only a fine human being,
but a living example of what
a good neighbor should be.
And I, for one, take
my hat off to you.
- Why did you want me in here?
- It's your hat I
want to take off.
- Okay. Everybody sit down.
We might as well get started.
On behalf of the
Permit Committee,
I call this Special Town
Council Meeting to order.
Now, as you all know,
we're here tonight
to hear the arguments
for allowing Rocket Burger
to open a franchise in our town.
Representing those opposed
to this idea will be Kirk Devane,
owner of the Minuteman Café,
and his neighbor, Dick Loudon,
owner of the Stratford Inn.
Representing Rocket
Burger is the Vice President
in charge of Marketing,
and one heck of a nice guy,
we were just talking to him
before the meeting, John Payne.
[applause]
- We'll begin by hearing the
arguments against the move.
Who wants to start?
- Well, maybe, uh,
maybe I'll... I'll start.
Um, uh, ladies and gentlemen,
I did not come here to, uh,
to oppose Rocket Burger,
which as an organization
will continue to
flourish regardless
of your decision here tonight.
But rather, I came to defend
the small businessman,
the individual, the unsung
hero who, in my opinion
is the true backbone of
the American way of life.
And who, I feel, stands
to lose a great deal
based on your
decision here tonight.
- Thank you, Dick.
- Uh, Ch... Chester,
I'm... I'm not finished.
- I'm sorry.
- I would like to go on
record as opposing this permit.
I do not believe that
the small businessman
should be pushed aside
by giant conglomerates
who take no interest
in the community,
other than what
it can do for them.
- Mr. Loudon, I think I'd have
to object to that statement.
- Would you?
When my wife and I
moved here from New York,
we wanted to fit in
to the community.
Can Rocket Burger make
that same claim, Payne?
- Yes, we can.
- You call erecting a
35-foot aluminum rocket ship
fitting in to the community?
- Mr. Loudon, we feel our
rocket ship enhances any area
where it's placed, whether
it be a big-city intersection
or a tranquil town square.
May we see the model, please?
- Ladies and gentlemen,
members of the committee,
let me see, that
was Hardy, George,
Chester and Emma, wasn't it?
- Wow.
- Wow.
- Rocket Burger always
tries to enrich the communities
we land in.
- And would you kindly
tell Hardy, George, Chester
and Emma exactly
how you plan to do that.
- By building a
youth activity center,
buying band uniforms
for both the high school
and junior high school,
and making a generous donation
to your Community Welfare Board.
- Oh.
- Please... please,
don't think of yourselves
as being lost in the
arms of big business.
Think of yourselves
as being embraced.
- That's nice.
Well, Mr. Payne,
you've certainly given us
something to think about.
Dick, did you want to
say anything in rebuttal?
- Only that we ask
ourselves the question,
"Can we be bought?"
I, for one, cannot.
What about you?
Thank you very much.
- Well, the committee
will adjourn to make
a recommendation, but
I can tell you right now,
looks awfully good.
Why doesn't everybody
grab a fast cup of coffee?
We shouldn't be long.
- Well, Dick, I'm ruined.
If this Rocket Burger moves
in, I'm out on the street.
- That hasn't happened yet.
- When it does,
can I live with you?
- If... if that happens and...
And you need some place to...
To stay for awhile.
Look, we're... we're both
too upset to think rationally.
- Excuse me. Nice speech.
Dick, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- Well, how do you
think it's going in there?
- Well, if, uh, bald face
support is any indication,
I would say you're
in pretty good shape.
- You know, Mr. Devane,
it's Kirk, right?
I wouldn't feel too
badly if I were you.
- Oh, you wouldn't, huh?
- No.
You stand to come out
very well in this thing.
- How's that?
- Well, we market test
an area rather thoroughly
before we decide on a site,
and our research indicates
that the best location
in town for our restaurant
is on the site of your café.
- My café?
- You're kidding.
- No. In fact, it's really the
only site we're interested in.
- So you see, we
want to buy you out.
And believe me, we
will be more than fair.
- Wait a minute.
If he doesn't sell, then
there's no Rocket Burger?
- That's right.
- That's great.
- Yeah. How soon
do you want me out?
- Hi, Joanna.
- How was the movie?
- Oh, kind of stupid.
It was about this family
that lives in the wilderness
or during the
Depression or something.
Anyway, they were boring.
And then there was
this big storm and, uh,
they either starved or froze
to death or ate each other.
I'm not really sure.
I was just thinking
about my pimple.
- Stephanie, this is silly.
You've been running
around for two days
wearing dark glasses,
hiding in movie theaters.
I swear to you, nobody
notices your pimple.
- That's because
nobody's seen it,
and nobody's going to either.
- You're not going to
takeoff the ski mask?
- Joanna, please, I just feel
less self-conscious this way.
[shouting]
- Oops, someone's
coming. See ya.
- I don't want to hear this.
- Well, you're
going to hear this.
What... what are you doing?
What... what happens
to community and...
And band stands and
white picket fences
and preserving Americana?
- What is going on?
- Let him tell you.
I... I'm too upset to talk.
- Oh, come on, you've been
whining all the way home.
- George, what is
he talking about?
- Well, the committee
voted to give Rocket Burger
a business permit,
but then it turned out
the only place Rocket
Burger is willing to build
is on the site of Kirk's café.
- Which Kirk is
going to sell to them.
- You mean there's going to be
a Rocket Burger right next door?
- Only if the town council
accepts the committee's
recommendation to.
- Which you know they will do.
- I'm going to be rich.
I'm going to be rich.
- I mean, how could you do this?
Uh, didn't you ever think of us?
- Yeah. I don't to have a
35-foot aluminum rocket ship
next door to the Stratford Inn.
- Why not? It'd be
great for you guys.
People will drive
up, stuff themselves,
then they need a
place to lie down.
You'll be swamped.
We'll all be rich.
- I don't want to be rich.
All I want is a nice quiet
inn in a nice quiet town.
I thought that's
what you wanted, too.
- That was what I wanted,
but now I want money more.
- Whatever happened
to being good neighbors?
- We're not going to be
neighbors. I'm moving.
- Okay. You go and sell out.
But before you go, let
me tell you one thing,
don't ever come to
me for help again,
because from this moment
on, our friendship is over.
- Yeah. Well, I don't want
to be friends with a man
who doesn't want to
see his neighbor get rich.
- Yeah. Well, I don't want
any neighbors with a man
who'd sell out his
friends to aliens!
- Yeah. Well, I hope they
sell 12 billion Rocket Burgers,
and I hope they throw
the wrappers on your lawn.
I hope you have
to clean them up.
I'm glad I'm moving.
- Yeah, well, we're
glad you're moving, too.
I hope I never see
your stupid face
ever over here again.
- Dick, he's gone.
- What?
Oh.
Do you think he heard
the last part about
seeing his stupid face again?
- I don't think so.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi, darling.
- I was out running errands.
I thought I'd stop by and
make myself a sandwich.
- Uh-huh.
- What you doing?
- Well, I figured if
Rocket Burger's going
to buy me out, I might as
well sell some of this stuff.
- I can't believe you're
really going ahead with this.
- Why not?
Do you realize what this
is going to mean for us?
You're not going to
have to work anymore.
Better yet, I'm not going
to have to work anymore.
- Kirk, are you sure
you're doing the right thing?
- Cindy, we stayed up half
the night talking about this.
- What did I say?
- You just kept saying,
"I'm going to be rich.
I'm going to be rich."
- I am. How can that
not be the right thing?
- Okay.
Uh, have you thought
about what you're going to do
after you sell the café?
- That's the great
thing about being rich,
I can do anything I want.
- So what do you want to do?
- I don't know.
- That's my point.
You haven't given
this any thought.
- Well, why do I have
to decide this now?
I'll find something to do.
I mean, I'll open
another business.
- What kind of business?
- God, all these
questions. I don't know.
I'll teach skiing.
I'll grow wine.
I'll make things out of shells.
What's the difference?
At least I'll be out
of this stupid café.
- And into some other
business you don't care about.
Kirk, what's the
most important thing
that's happened to you
since you've been in this town?
- Finding you.
- Good answer.
- What's second?
- Um, oh, I guess the
one Christmas eve,
when I was alone, I went
out to church by myself
and I found ten
bucks in the pew.
- I was thinking about
your friendship with Dick.
- Oh.
- You told me
he's the only real
friend you've ever had.
Are you really
going to give that up?
- Cindy, there's something you
should know about me and Dick.
All those times I told
you we were best friends...
Well, he never said
I was his best friend.
I only said that.
The truth is...
I don't think Dick ever
thought of me as a friend at all.
- Well, maybe the reason
he didn't is because
you were always
doing things like this.
- I was hoping there'd
be a better turnout.
- Yeah. People seem to like you.
- Maybe that's why
they're staying home.
They don't want
to vote against me.
- Maybe they all broke out.
- By the way, Stephanie, I...
I appreciate your coming in...
In your condition.
- Oh, good evening, George.
- Evening, Dick.
Dick, I don't think
I've had the pleasure
of meeting your lovely family.
- This is my wife.
That's our maid.
- Hi. John Payne,
pleasure to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, Mr. Payne.
- Hi, how are you, John Payne.
- She's awkward with strangers.
- And she has a pimple.
- Listen, Dick, I just
wanted to say that
regardless of what
happens tonight,
I hope that when
this is all over,
we'll become good neighbors.
- Well, I... I hope you
understand I... I didn't object
to a restaurant next to the inn.
It's just I had a problem
with it, uh, you know,
being a spaceship.
- I understand.
- But you're going
to build it anyway.
- Absolutely.
Well, it was good
seeing you, Dick.
George.
It was nice meeting
you, Mrs. Loudon.
- Nice meeting you, too.
- Nice meeting
you, too, young lady.
- Okay, everyone,
take your seats.
We're ready to begin.
On behalf of the
Permit Committee,
I call this special
meeting to order.
The committee entered
arguments for and against
a Rocket Burger being
built in this town and
has recommended
to the town council
that Rocket Burger
be granted a permit.
It's now time to put
this to a public vote.
So without further
ado, all those in favor
of granting the permit, raise
your hands and say, "Aye."
- Aye.
- All those opposed, raise
your hands and say, "Nay."
- Nay.
- Motion passed.
- Let the record show...
Well, there's no one
here to record this,
but we'll just try
to remember it,
that Rocket Burger is
now granted permission
to operate in this town.
And with that, I
understand from Mr. Payne
that Rocket Burgers
will be served in the lobby
for everyone.
- Oh, boy.
- Uh, everybody, would
you, uh, please not leave yet?
This matter isn't quite settled.
- What are you
talking about, Kirk?
- Mr. Payne, am I right that
if I don't sell the Minuteman,
then you're not going to
come in to this town after all?
- Well, yes, that's
correct, but I understood
that you were going to sell.
- Well, whether I
am or not, the point is
it's my decision, right?
- I suppose so.
- Kirk, what are you doing?
- I've been doing a
lot of thinking, Dick,
and I realized something.
I'm in a town I like living in,
I have someone who loves
me, and up until yesterday,
I had great friends next door.
- On the other hand, I
have a great opportunity,
but I don't think I
could take it if I thought
it was going to
hurt my best friend.
So I guess the thing I need
to know before I say the thing
I think I'm going to say
is, are you my best friend?
- What?
- I won't sell the
Minuteman Café
if you say you're
my best friend.
- Uh, you won't?
- No.
- Well, um...
I, uh, I... I guess...
I guess I am.
- Am what?
- Uh, your... your best friend.
- Say it.
- I am... I am your best friend.
- Say it louder.
- I am your best friend.
- Say it with me.
Okay, okay, okay.
That's good enough. Just hug me.
- What?
- Hug me or I sell.
- I'll, uh, I'll... I'll...
I'll shake your hand.
- Fair enough.
Dick's my best
friend. I'm not selling.
- What?
- He said he's not
selling. Go home.
[chattering, laughing]
- Do we still get
our Rocket Burgers?
- No.
- Hey, you with the
camera, how about a picture
of me with my best friend?
- Everybody smile.
that the morning paper?
- Yes, it is.
- Can I have the
financial section?
- Sure. Why?
- I want to spit out my gum.
- Hi, everybody.
- Oh, there you are.
You weren't down for
breakfast this morning.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Joanna. I
guess I should've told you.
Something terrible has happened.
Can I have the
rest of the day off?
- Of course, what's the matter?
- Yeah. Why are you
wearing the dark glasses?
Have you been crying?
- Yes.
- Stephanie, what's wrong?
- Just this whole year.
I've had an unbelievable
string of bad luck.
- First, my marriage broke up
and then my family
cut me off, and...
now this.
- What?
- This.
- You mean, that pimple?
- You're upset about that?
- Joanna, I've never
had a pimple in my life.
- It's nothing to be
concerned about.
- Oh, yeah. What if it
never stops growing?
- Uh, I only saw
it for a second,
but it didn't look that big.
- Well, it looks big to me.
It's going to look
plenty big to anybody
I might be flirting with.
What am I talking about?
How can you flirt with anybody
with a walnut on your nose?
- It's not a walnut.
- No, it's more like a raisin.
- I really wouldn't
worry about it.
- Well, I'm not going to let
anybody see me like this.
I'm going to go out and buy
every skincare
product I can find.
And then on the way back,
I'm going to stop by a church
and light a candle.
- I guess I'm one
of the lucky ones.
I never had a pimple.
- You are lucky.
- Yeah.
I had warts, I had
corns, I had ringworm,
but I never had a pimple.
- That's good.
- Yeah.
I had cold sores,
I had liver spots,
I had boils, but I
never had a pimple.
What have you had?
- Enough of this conversation.
- Ah, George, just the
man I wanted to see.
- Hi, Kirk.
- Not now. This is important.
George, I need a favor from you.
You're on the Business Permit
Committee with the town council?
- I am?
- Yeah, and the thing is...
- What's the Business
Permit Committee?
- It's a committee
that votes on whether
or not to allow new
businesses in to town.
- How come no one ever told
me I was on the committee?
- Well, probably because there
haven't been any new businesses.
- How long have I
been on the committee?
- I don't know, probably
since it was formed.
- When was that?
- 1685.
You've been on the
committee 300 years.
What's the difference?
The point is there's
a new business
trying to get in to
town and if it does,
it's going to wipe me out.
- What business is that?
- Rocket Burger. It's
this huge fast food chain.
Their motto is "Every seven
seconds someone dies,
someone gives birth and
someone eats a Rocket Burger."
George, tomorrow
night, there's going to be
a special town council meeting,
and they're going
to ask for a vote.
I'm asking you to vote, "No."
In fact, I'm willing
to pay for that vote.
- Kirk, I'm not going
to take your money.
- Then what are you going to do?
- I'm going to go to
the council meeting,
hear both sides of the argument
and base my decision
on whatever I think is right.
- You're insane. Is
Dick in his study?
- No. The floor was just waxed.
- He's in the dining
room, but he's working.
- I'm not going to bother him.
Dick, stop working.
- I'm not going to stop working.
- Come on, don't be rude.
- [typing]
- What are you doing?
- Don't worry, I'm not going to
ask for some outrageous favor.
- Kirk, what...
what do you want?
- I want you to fire George
if he doesn't do what I ask.
Hear me out.
Listen, Rocket Burger is
coming to town, and you may be
the only person to stop it.
- You're speaking, of
course, of my famous
anti-Rocket Burger ray?
- I'm serious, Dick.
If Rocket Burger moves
in, my business is finished.
There's no way I can
compete with them.
- Well, what... what
do you want me to do?
- George is on the
Permit Committee,
you've got to make
him vote, "No."
- I'm not going to tell
George how to vote.
- But he listens to
you. He respects you.
You can twist his mind
easier than wind bends a tree.
- Forget it, Kirk.
I'm not going to
tell him how to vote.
- All right, Dick.
Let's put George
aside for a second.
Let's talk as neighbors,
as members of a quaint
New England community
where children walk
by white picket fences
to red brick school houses,
and Sundays after services
in the old steeple
church, people gather
in the historic town square
or the rustic band show
and celebrate the last
vestiges of Americana.
And picture in
the middle of this
a 35-foot aluminum rocket
ship sitting upright on its tail
with a red neon
Rocket Burger sign
revolving around its nosecone.
I mean, is this what you
want for your town, Dick,
a big flying saucer that
smells like French fries?
It's not what I want.
I don't think it's
what Joanna wants.
And if George had
a brain, I don't think
it'd be what he'd want.
- Kirk, I'm not
condoning Rocket Burger,
but I'm not going to
strong-arm George.
- Well, will you at least
agree to be on my side
at the council meeting?
- Well, I've always
considered myself
on the side of small business,
and you certainly
qualify for that.
I guess that put's
me on your side.
- Will you sit with
me at the meeting?
- I'll even sit with
you at the meeting.
- Will you give a speech?
- If need be.
Uh, Kirk, I will do whatever
you want if it'll help.
- Thanks.
George, Joanna, get in here.
Dick, I'm not
going to forget this.
This may be the biggest
thing you've ever done for me.
- What do you want, Kirk?
- I just want you to
know that you are married
to a giant of a man.
- Thank you.
- Dick has agreed
to speak on my behalf
at the town council
meeting tomorrow night.
This makes him not
only a fine human being,
but a living example of what
a good neighbor should be.
And I, for one, take
my hat off to you.
- Why did you want me in here?
- It's your hat I
want to take off.
- Okay. Everybody sit down.
We might as well get started.
On behalf of the
Permit Committee,
I call this Special Town
Council Meeting to order.
Now, as you all know,
we're here tonight
to hear the arguments
for allowing Rocket Burger
to open a franchise in our town.
Representing those opposed
to this idea will be Kirk Devane,
owner of the Minuteman Café,
and his neighbor, Dick Loudon,
owner of the Stratford Inn.
Representing Rocket
Burger is the Vice President
in charge of Marketing,
and one heck of a nice guy,
we were just talking to him
before the meeting, John Payne.
[applause]
- We'll begin by hearing the
arguments against the move.
Who wants to start?
- Well, maybe, uh,
maybe I'll... I'll start.
Um, uh, ladies and gentlemen,
I did not come here to, uh,
to oppose Rocket Burger,
which as an organization
will continue to
flourish regardless
of your decision here tonight.
But rather, I came to defend
the small businessman,
the individual, the unsung
hero who, in my opinion
is the true backbone of
the American way of life.
And who, I feel, stands
to lose a great deal
based on your
decision here tonight.
- Thank you, Dick.
- Uh, Ch... Chester,
I'm... I'm not finished.
- I'm sorry.
- I would like to go on
record as opposing this permit.
I do not believe that
the small businessman
should be pushed aside
by giant conglomerates
who take no interest
in the community,
other than what
it can do for them.
- Mr. Loudon, I think I'd have
to object to that statement.
- Would you?
When my wife and I
moved here from New York,
we wanted to fit in
to the community.
Can Rocket Burger make
that same claim, Payne?
- Yes, we can.
- You call erecting a
35-foot aluminum rocket ship
fitting in to the community?
- Mr. Loudon, we feel our
rocket ship enhances any area
where it's placed, whether
it be a big-city intersection
or a tranquil town square.
May we see the model, please?
- Ladies and gentlemen,
members of the committee,
let me see, that
was Hardy, George,
Chester and Emma, wasn't it?
- Wow.
- Wow.
- Rocket Burger always
tries to enrich the communities
we land in.
- And would you kindly
tell Hardy, George, Chester
and Emma exactly
how you plan to do that.
- By building a
youth activity center,
buying band uniforms
for both the high school
and junior high school,
and making a generous donation
to your Community Welfare Board.
- Oh.
- Please... please,
don't think of yourselves
as being lost in the
arms of big business.
Think of yourselves
as being embraced.
- That's nice.
Well, Mr. Payne,
you've certainly given us
something to think about.
Dick, did you want to
say anything in rebuttal?
- Only that we ask
ourselves the question,
"Can we be bought?"
I, for one, cannot.
What about you?
Thank you very much.
- Well, the committee
will adjourn to make
a recommendation, but
I can tell you right now,
looks awfully good.
Why doesn't everybody
grab a fast cup of coffee?
We shouldn't be long.
- Well, Dick, I'm ruined.
If this Rocket Burger moves
in, I'm out on the street.
- That hasn't happened yet.
- When it does,
can I live with you?
- If... if that happens and...
And you need some place to...
To stay for awhile.
Look, we're... we're both
too upset to think rationally.
- Excuse me. Nice speech.
Dick, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- Well, how do you
think it's going in there?
- Well, if, uh, bald face
support is any indication,
I would say you're
in pretty good shape.
- You know, Mr. Devane,
it's Kirk, right?
I wouldn't feel too
badly if I were you.
- Oh, you wouldn't, huh?
- No.
You stand to come out
very well in this thing.
- How's that?
- Well, we market test
an area rather thoroughly
before we decide on a site,
and our research indicates
that the best location
in town for our restaurant
is on the site of your café.
- My café?
- You're kidding.
- No. In fact, it's really the
only site we're interested in.
- So you see, we
want to buy you out.
And believe me, we
will be more than fair.
- Wait a minute.
If he doesn't sell, then
there's no Rocket Burger?
- That's right.
- That's great.
- Yeah. How soon
do you want me out?
- Hi, Joanna.
- How was the movie?
- Oh, kind of stupid.
It was about this family
that lives in the wilderness
or during the
Depression or something.
Anyway, they were boring.
And then there was
this big storm and, uh,
they either starved or froze
to death or ate each other.
I'm not really sure.
I was just thinking
about my pimple.
- Stephanie, this is silly.
You've been running
around for two days
wearing dark glasses,
hiding in movie theaters.
I swear to you, nobody
notices your pimple.
- That's because
nobody's seen it,
and nobody's going to either.
- You're not going to
takeoff the ski mask?
- Joanna, please, I just feel
less self-conscious this way.
[shouting]
- Oops, someone's
coming. See ya.
- I don't want to hear this.
- Well, you're
going to hear this.
What... what are you doing?
What... what happens
to community and...
And band stands and
white picket fences
and preserving Americana?
- What is going on?
- Let him tell you.
I... I'm too upset to talk.
- Oh, come on, you've been
whining all the way home.
- George, what is
he talking about?
- Well, the committee
voted to give Rocket Burger
a business permit,
but then it turned out
the only place Rocket
Burger is willing to build
is on the site of Kirk's café.
- Which Kirk is
going to sell to them.
- You mean there's going to be
a Rocket Burger right next door?
- Only if the town council
accepts the committee's
recommendation to.
- Which you know they will do.
- I'm going to be rich.
I'm going to be rich.
- I mean, how could you do this?
Uh, didn't you ever think of us?
- Yeah. I don't to have a
35-foot aluminum rocket ship
next door to the Stratford Inn.
- Why not? It'd be
great for you guys.
People will drive
up, stuff themselves,
then they need a
place to lie down.
You'll be swamped.
We'll all be rich.
- I don't want to be rich.
All I want is a nice quiet
inn in a nice quiet town.
I thought that's
what you wanted, too.
- That was what I wanted,
but now I want money more.
- Whatever happened
to being good neighbors?
- We're not going to be
neighbors. I'm moving.
- Okay. You go and sell out.
But before you go, let
me tell you one thing,
don't ever come to
me for help again,
because from this moment
on, our friendship is over.
- Yeah. Well, I don't want
to be friends with a man
who doesn't want to
see his neighbor get rich.
- Yeah. Well, I don't want
any neighbors with a man
who'd sell out his
friends to aliens!
- Yeah. Well, I hope they
sell 12 billion Rocket Burgers,
and I hope they throw
the wrappers on your lawn.
I hope you have
to clean them up.
I'm glad I'm moving.
- Yeah, well, we're
glad you're moving, too.
I hope I never see
your stupid face
ever over here again.
- Dick, he's gone.
- What?
Oh.
Do you think he heard
the last part about
seeing his stupid face again?
- I don't think so.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi, darling.
- I was out running errands.
I thought I'd stop by and
make myself a sandwich.
- Uh-huh.
- What you doing?
- Well, I figured if
Rocket Burger's going
to buy me out, I might as
well sell some of this stuff.
- I can't believe you're
really going ahead with this.
- Why not?
Do you realize what this
is going to mean for us?
You're not going to
have to work anymore.
Better yet, I'm not going
to have to work anymore.
- Kirk, are you sure
you're doing the right thing?
- Cindy, we stayed up half
the night talking about this.
- What did I say?
- You just kept saying,
"I'm going to be rich.
I'm going to be rich."
- I am. How can that
not be the right thing?
- Okay.
Uh, have you thought
about what you're going to do
after you sell the café?
- That's the great
thing about being rich,
I can do anything I want.
- So what do you want to do?
- I don't know.
- That's my point.
You haven't given
this any thought.
- Well, why do I have
to decide this now?
I'll find something to do.
I mean, I'll open
another business.
- What kind of business?
- God, all these
questions. I don't know.
I'll teach skiing.
I'll grow wine.
I'll make things out of shells.
What's the difference?
At least I'll be out
of this stupid café.
- And into some other
business you don't care about.
Kirk, what's the
most important thing
that's happened to you
since you've been in this town?
- Finding you.
- Good answer.
- What's second?
- Um, oh, I guess the
one Christmas eve,
when I was alone, I went
out to church by myself
and I found ten
bucks in the pew.
- I was thinking about
your friendship with Dick.
- Oh.
- You told me
he's the only real
friend you've ever had.
Are you really
going to give that up?
- Cindy, there's something you
should know about me and Dick.
All those times I told
you we were best friends...
Well, he never said
I was his best friend.
I only said that.
The truth is...
I don't think Dick ever
thought of me as a friend at all.
- Well, maybe the reason
he didn't is because
you were always
doing things like this.
- I was hoping there'd
be a better turnout.
- Yeah. People seem to like you.
- Maybe that's why
they're staying home.
They don't want
to vote against me.
- Maybe they all broke out.
- By the way, Stephanie, I...
I appreciate your coming in...
In your condition.
- Oh, good evening, George.
- Evening, Dick.
Dick, I don't think
I've had the pleasure
of meeting your lovely family.
- This is my wife.
That's our maid.
- Hi. John Payne,
pleasure to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, Mr. Payne.
- Hi, how are you, John Payne.
- She's awkward with strangers.
- And she has a pimple.
- Listen, Dick, I just
wanted to say that
regardless of what
happens tonight,
I hope that when
this is all over,
we'll become good neighbors.
- Well, I... I hope you
understand I... I didn't object
to a restaurant next to the inn.
It's just I had a problem
with it, uh, you know,
being a spaceship.
- I understand.
- But you're going
to build it anyway.
- Absolutely.
Well, it was good
seeing you, Dick.
George.
It was nice meeting
you, Mrs. Loudon.
- Nice meeting you, too.
- Nice meeting
you, too, young lady.
- Okay, everyone,
take your seats.
We're ready to begin.
On behalf of the
Permit Committee,
I call this special
meeting to order.
The committee entered
arguments for and against
a Rocket Burger being
built in this town and
has recommended
to the town council
that Rocket Burger
be granted a permit.
It's now time to put
this to a public vote.
So without further
ado, all those in favor
of granting the permit, raise
your hands and say, "Aye."
- Aye.
- All those opposed, raise
your hands and say, "Nay."
- Nay.
- Motion passed.
- Let the record show...
Well, there's no one
here to record this,
but we'll just try
to remember it,
that Rocket Burger is
now granted permission
to operate in this town.
And with that, I
understand from Mr. Payne
that Rocket Burgers
will be served in the lobby
for everyone.
- Oh, boy.
- Uh, everybody, would
you, uh, please not leave yet?
This matter isn't quite settled.
- What are you
talking about, Kirk?
- Mr. Payne, am I right that
if I don't sell the Minuteman,
then you're not going to
come in to this town after all?
- Well, yes, that's
correct, but I understood
that you were going to sell.
- Well, whether I
am or not, the point is
it's my decision, right?
- I suppose so.
- Kirk, what are you doing?
- I've been doing a
lot of thinking, Dick,
and I realized something.
I'm in a town I like living in,
I have someone who loves
me, and up until yesterday,
I had great friends next door.
- On the other hand, I
have a great opportunity,
but I don't think I
could take it if I thought
it was going to
hurt my best friend.
So I guess the thing I need
to know before I say the thing
I think I'm going to say
is, are you my best friend?
- What?
- I won't sell the
Minuteman Café
if you say you're
my best friend.
- Uh, you won't?
- No.
- Well, um...
I, uh, I... I guess...
I guess I am.
- Am what?
- Uh, your... your best friend.
- Say it.
- I am... I am your best friend.
- Say it louder.
- I am your best friend.
- Say it with me.
Okay, okay, okay.
That's good enough. Just hug me.
- What?
- Hug me or I sell.
- I'll, uh, I'll... I'll...
I'll shake your hand.
- Fair enough.
Dick's my best
friend. I'm not selling.
- What?
- He said he's not
selling. Go home.
[chattering, laughing]
- Do we still get
our Rocket Burgers?
- No.
- Hey, you with the
camera, how about a picture
of me with my best friend?
- Everybody smile.