Newhart (1982–1990): Season 2, Episode 14 - Book Beat - full transcript

- Hi, George.

- Well, you're out
early this morning.

What have you got there?

- Oh, some cosmetics.

- Where do you
keep all that stuff?

- Any place I can find.

- Would you like me to
make something for you

to keep all that in?

- Do you mean like a vanity?

Would you, George?

- Sure. I'd be glad to.



- It wouldn't have
to be anything fancy.

It'd just have to be a place
to hold my moisturizers,

mud packs, foundations, powders,

blushers, mascara, eyeliner,

eye shadow, curler,
lipsticks and glosses.

- Is all that on there now?

- Yes, it is.

- Boy, when you wash
your face, it must be this big.

- Where's Joanna?

- She's in the basement
doing the laundry.

- Honey, would you come
up here for a second?

- In a minute.

- As long as you're doing this,

do you think you could
build me a swivel stool



so I can do this?

- What are you
guys talking about?

- George is going to build
me a vanity. Isn't that great?

- Stephanie, don't you think

you put a little too
much emphasis

on, you know, how you look?

- Well, maybe, but what
am I supposed to do?

I mean, nobody's
ever said to me,

"Gee, Stephanie, you're smart."

Or "Gee, Stephanie,
you're fun to be with."

All I've ever been
complimented on are my looks.

Frankly, Dick, being
attractive can be a real burden.

- That's true.

- You don't know
how lucky you are.

- What'd you want, honey?

- Oh, I have some good news.

Paul Frazier called me.

He's the host of "Book Talk,"

and he wants me to be
his guest this Sunday.

- You're kidding.
That's wonderful.

- Yeah, that's fantastic.
What's "Book Talk?"

- Yeah, I don't think
I've ever seen it.

- Well, it's a local
television program

where they interview writers.

- About what?

- About what they've written.

- No wonder I've never seen it.

- Well, I'm proud of
you. I think it's great.

- ♪ The most beautiful
girl in the world ♪

♪ picks my ties out, cooks
me dinner, is a winner ♪

Hi, guys. Everybody!
- Kirk?

- ♪ The most beautiful
girl in the world ♪

♪ Cooks me dinner ♪

- I take it Cindy cooked
dinner for you last night.

- It was unbelievable.

We had veal
scaloppini, carrots vichy,

creamed spinach,
chantilly potatoes

and french chocolate mousse.

But then I guess when you're
in love, anything tastes good.

So what's new with you guys?

- We just found out Dick's gonna
be on "Book Talk" this Sunday.

- "Book Talk?"

Is that the show that's
on at 4:00 in the morning

right after "Amish Aerobics?"

- No. It happens to be

a very highly thought
of program on Sunday.

- What time Sunday?

- It's the filler between
the end of the football game

and the news.

- Certainly sounds like
something people take seriously.

- Kirk, it doesn't
matter what time it's on.

It's an honor that Dick has
been recognized as a fine writer.

- Or a fine filler.

- Well, I know I'm
going to watch.

- Me, too.
- Not me.

- Why not?

- Because I'm dating
Cindy. I have a life now.

- Well, I think the
least you can do

is take a few minutes
out to watch Dick.

- This is true.

Can I watch it over
here? My TV's broken.

- Of course. We'll
make it a party.

We'll pop some popcorn,
have some hot cider

and make an afternoon of it.

- Boy, that sounds great.

- Would you like me
to bring something?

- Sure. What would
you like to bring?

- Cindy.

- The best part is, you
just remove the two screws

and it becomes
completely portable

so you can put it anywhere.

- Dick, that is fascinating.

We're talking to Dick Loudon,

author of "Let's
Build a Barbecue,"

and we'll be right back
after this commercial word.

- He's doing great, isn't he?

- I can't believe Cindy
had to work today.

- Kirk, would you stop pouting?

She's entertaining at
a child's birthday party.

- This is what I hate about
dating a professional clown.

They're always busy on weekends.

That should be
my time with Cindy.

- Kirk, you're being selfish.

- I'm being selfish?

I'm not the one who
picked today to turn six.

- Shh. The commercial
is almost over.

- Well, big whup.

- Kirk, if you don't
wanna watch,

why don't you just go home?

- No, no. If I stay here,

at least I know there's
someone more bored than I am.

- Who's that?

- The guy who's talking to Dick.

- [chuckles] Welcome back.

We're talking to Dick Loudon,

author of "Let's
Build a Barbecue,"

which you can pick up at
your neighborhood bookstore.

- No, it's not in
the bookstores.

It's in the hardware stores.

- Oh.

- Locally, it can be found at
Handy Sam, the Hardware Man.

- Well, thank you, Dick.
You've been a wonderful guest.

I'm sorry the game ran long

and we didn't have
more time to talk.

- Well, you know what they say.

Sometimes a man says more
when he doesn't say anything.

- So true, so true.

Well, that closes the cover
on another Sunday afternoon.

This is Paul Frazier
for "Book Talk"

saying keep reading.

- Clear!

- Thanks, Dick. I really
enjoyed talking to you.

I liked the book, too.

- Oh, thank you.

- Nice program, Paul.

- Oh, thanks.

Dick, this is our
producer, Michael Harris.

- Oh, how do you do?
- Nice show.

- Thank you.

- Well, if you two
will excuse me,

I've got a few calls to make.

- Dick, can you spare a moment?

- Oh, sure.

- I like the way you
handled yourself out there.

You're witty, you're articulate,
you think quick on your seat.

I was impressed.

- Well, thank you.

- I mean it. You've got
poise, charm, and intelligence,

and you seem to possess a
keen insight into human nature.

- Well, you're no
slouch yourself.

- Let me get right to the point.

Paul is leaving us.

In fact, this was his last show.

We've been looking
around for a replacement.

I think you'd be perfect.

- Me?

- Why not?

- Well, don't get me
wrong. I'm flattered,

but I don't have the time.

- Well, this doesn't
take much time.

All you need to do is schedule
a guest and read a book a week.

You do read, don't you? [laughs]

- You really
think I could do it?

- Not only do I
think you could do it,

I think you'd be terrific at it.

The show could really
use a personality like yours.

Not to mention, it
would be an opportunity

to meet and talk
to other writers.

- Well, I must admit, I
would enjoy that part of it.

- And you can get anybody
you want because it's your show.

- Well, there are a few writers
out there I'd like to talk with.

- Why don't you give it a try?

- Okay, what the heck.

- Great.

- I was honored just
being a guest on the show.

I never thought
that I'd be a host.

Carson better hope I never
do "The Tonight Show".

[laughs]

- That's wit, right?

- Right.

- Love it.
[laughs]

Well, see you next Sunday.

- What time should I be here?

- Just make sure you're here
by the two-minute warning.

Hal, do we have any Danish?

- Do you want me to pick
up anything on the way?

Okay, then I'll see you in
about 20 minutes. Bye-bye.

Oh, hi, Dick. Something
I can do for you?

- I just came over to say

I was sorry to hear
that you're leaving.

- What? Oh, my God.

- Paul, I'm sorry.

I was under the impression
that leaving was your idea.

- No.

- Well, don't leave
yet. I'll be right back.

- Well, check with Dave
and get back to me.

- Excuse me?
- Oh, hi, Dick.

- I thought Paul
knew he was leaving.

- You didn't tell him, did you?

- Yes.
- Ooh.

How'd he take it?

- He's crushed. Who wouldn't be?

Look, I can't take this job.

- Oh, Dick, listen.
You don't understand.

Paul is leaving

whether you decide to
be the new host or not.

This decision was made
long before we spotted you.

- Yeah, but still.

- He's been here 15 years.

I think they just feel
it's time for a new face.

Look, it's not even my decision.

This comes straight
from the president...

of Channel 8, I mean.

- [blows nose]

- And you're sure there's no way

that Paul could
get his job back?

- Dick, they're
already out there

scraping his name
off the parking space.

Believe me, you're not
squeezing anybody out.

You're filling a vacancy.

- All right, but I still
don't like the idea.

- But you will do it?

- All right, I guess so.

- Terrific.

- But I'm dedicating
next week's show to Paul.

- That's a super idea.
See you next week.

- Paul, I'm sorry.

- Well, then it's true?

- I'm afraid so.

- But I've been doing
this show for 15 years.

Who are they gonna
get to replace me?

- Actually, they mentioned
something about me.

- Oh, that makes sense.

I guess if a man
can build a barbecue,

he can host a talk show.

Oh, look, you'll
give me some time

to clear out my desk, won't you?

- Sure. No, take all
the time you need.

Elliott, you're
a literary agent.

You must know some authors.

It's not Timbuktu, it's Vermont.

Well, I don't care who
you get. Just get somebody.

- Trouble?
- Nobody wants to do the show.

- I thought you were
gonna get Norman Mailer?

- I was. He turned me down.

- You talked to Norman Mailer?

- I talked to his
agent's secretary.

She turned me down.

Now, honey, the only
reason I took this job

was to meet and
talk with authors.

I thought they'd be as excited
as I am to be on the show.

- Well, what are you gonna do?

- I'll just hope Elliott can
come up with somebody.

If he doesn't, I may wind
up interviewing myself.

- Is there anything
I can do to help?

- Can you write a
book by Sunday?

- I have got great news.

Guess who's gonna
sponsor your show.

- Oh, Lord.

- You would not believe

how cheap it is to
advertise on that program.

- I don't wanna hear.

- Are you sure? It's funny.

- Why are you doing this, Kirk?

- It's a perfect client.

The host of "Book Talk" is
my neighbor and my best friend.

- Will you quit calling
me your best friend?

This is not the kind of program
where you hawk hamburgers.

- Dick, I realize
it's a classy show,

but I intend to do a
classy commercial.

That's why I want Joanna to be
my spokeswoman for the cafe.

- Me?
- Joanna?

- Honey, I really don't think we
both have to be that surprised.

- I think you'd be perfect.

You're the most
sophisticated woman I know.

- I am?
- Yeah.

- What do you think, Dick?

- Well, honey, it's up to you.

But, I mean, you
really want to be seen

representing a
greasy, crummy cafe?

- What would I wear?

- Anything you want.

- Dick, I know you're worried

that Kirk is gonna do
something embarrassing,

but if I were there, I could
make sure that didn't happen.

- Honey, I told you,

if you want to do
it, it's up to you.

- Well, okay, if everybody
really thinks I'd be good.

- Great. We have to shoot
the commercial on Sunday.

- Sunday's fine.

- Wait a minute.

Neither of us is gonna
be here on Sunday.

I'd better tell George
and Stephanie.

- Oh, by the way, they say
TV adds 10 pounds to you,

so you might wanna
drop a few beforehand.

- You haven't seen the
producer of the show, have you?

- Hal?

- Have you seen the
producer of the show?

- Have a good show, Dick.

- Michael, wait a minute.
Where have you been?

I've been trying to
reach you all week.

You never returned my calls.

- Didn't I? Sorry.

What's the problem?

- Well, you never told me
how hard it was to get guests.

I mean, you said it'd
take a couple hours.

I've been on the phone
all week calling people.

- Gee, I hope you got somebody.

- Yeah, I did. I don't
know how good he is.

I got him at the last minute.

- Well, what's his book?

- "The Complete
History of the Universe."

- Sounds good.
What's the problem?

- This is it.

- Well, don't worry.

The game will probably
go into overtime.

You'll just be on for a
few minutes anyway.

Have a good one.

- A few minutes, Mr. Loudon.

- Have you seen my guest?

That's starting to hurt.

- Excuse me. Mr. Loudon?

- Uh, yes.

- My name is Lloyd Menninger.

I'm supposed to
be your guest today.

- My guest's name
is Donald Boone.

- Well, apparently
Mr. Boone couldn't make it

and I'm supposed
to be a replacement.

- Oh, great. Just what I needed.

- I'm sorry if that's a problem.

- No, no, that's all right.

It's just I haven't
read your book.

- I have it right here.

- "Up The Amazon" by
Colonel Lloyd Menninger.

You're a colonel?

- Yes. Air Force,
but I'm retired.

- Oh. What's the book about?

- It's about a canoe trip I took

up the Amazon a
couple of years ago.

- One minute, Mr. Loudon.

- Oh, okay. Do you think

you can talk about this
for 10 or 15 minutes?

- Oh, I can talk
about this for days.

- Great. Thank you.

Okay, I'll introduce
you and then I'll say,

tell us about
your trip, Colonel,

and then you take it from there.

- Fine.

- Now when I give
you your cue, read this.

In 5, 4, 3, 2...

- Hi. I'm Dick Loudon
and this "Book Talk."

For those of you who are
used to seeing Paul Frazier

sitting in this chair,
I should tell you

that Paul has decided to leave

and go on to what
I'm sure will be

an incredibly successful
career doing something else.

Just a personal
note, good luck, Paul.

This one's for you.

My guest in the studio today
is Colonel Lloyd Menninger.

He's written a fascinating
book called "Up the Amazon."

Colonel, tell us
about your trip.

- Thank you, Dick.

I've always been fascinated
by stories about the Amazon,

so when I retired
from the Air Force,

I arranged for some
guides and canoes

and after a month of planning,

set out to travel from the mouth

to the source of the Amazon.

The whole trip was a
medley of pain and pleasure.

- And why is that, Colonel?

- Well, there were times
the mosquitoes were so thick,

we couldn't see each other.

And sometimes
the air was so heavy,

we felt we were drinking
it instead of breathing it.

And yet the sheer spectacle

of those deep green rainforests,

unspoiled by any man, was
worth every inconvenience.

- Now, did you get to
the source of the river?

- Not quite, Dick.

About five months into the trip,

we decided to
explore a tributary

hundreds of miles
from any civilization.

A day or two
into this side trip,

we pulled the canoes
over to the bank

and decided to do
some exploring on foot.

We walked for several miles

when we came upon
a clearing in the jungle

that had some of the
most breathtaking scenery

I think I've ever seen.

- Why don't you tell
us about it, Colonel?

- Well, Dick, it was a
beautiful, primeval valley

filled with hundreds of
varieties of exotic vegetation,

and perhaps most amazing,

a herd of prehistoric dinosaurs.

- Uh, what?

- That's right, Dick.

Some docile brontosauri,
flying pterodactyls,

and, of course, the king
of these great beasts,

the carnivorous
tyrannosaurus rex.

Needless to say,
we were shocked.

Amazed...

Simultaneously
amazed and terrified,

we were torn between
running for our lives

and running for our
cameras. [chuckles]

- Are you trying to tell us

that you found dinosaurs
in South America?

- Correct, Dick.

Of course, I would not
be making these claims

without documented proof.

I have here an actual
un-retouched photo

clearly showing the existence
of these giant reptiles.

- I can't make out
anything in that photo.

- Well, of course, it
was taken from the air.

- Wait a minute.

I thought you said you
made the trip by canoe.

- We did, Dick, but we were
graciously transported aloft

to take this photograph

by the extraterrestrials
who live in the area.

- Extraterrestrials?

- That's right. They
are actually ball-shaped

and communicate
through telepathy.

- Don't go away...
Not that you would.

We'll be right back after
this word from our sponsor.

- And we're into commercial.

- Right. Okay,
break. Good, Dick.

Michael Harris.

Terrific.
- Thank you.

- Can we get makeup here?

- Michael, could I talk
to you for a second?

- After the show, Dick.

- Just look at
the monitor, Dick.

I'll cue you when the
commercial's over.

- Hi, friends. Kirk Devane,
owner of the Minuteman Cafe.

How much would you pay

for this delicious, juicy,
all-beef hamburger patty

on a wonderful white bread bun?

Well, don't answer yet.

What if I threw in a
very green lettuce leaf,

an entire onion slice,

and some, mm-mmm,
lip-smacking pickles?

Now how much would you pay?

Well, don't say anything
because at the Minuteman,

we also give you your
choice of condiments,

mustard or catsup.

Now you might expect
to pay as much $15 or $20

for a meal like this
at some restaurants.

But at the Minuteman,

the monster meal on
a bun is only $3.29.

You heard me right, $3.29.

And they are irresistible.

Why, this lady
here... turn around...

is on her fourth burger.

Yes, a perfectly
attractive woman

willing to eat herself
into obesity for my burger.

And you will too

once you've had a
monster meal on a bun

at Kirk Devane's Minuteman
Cafe next door to the Stratford Inn,

owned by your "Book
Talk" host, Dick Loudon.

Back to you, Dick.

- We're back. Cue, Dick.

- We're talking with retired Air
Force Colonel Lloyd Menninger,

who has written his book
called, "Up the Amazon,"

in which he purports to have
seen dinosaurs and aliens

living somewhere in Brazil.

Colonel, uh, I'm sure
that you'll have to admit

that you've made some
extraordinary claims.

And at the risk of
sounding realistic,

it seems to me that if
there were dinosaurs

and alien beings on
the banks of the Amazon,

we would have heard
about it before this.

- Well, not from me, Dick.

I've been in hiding.

- Hiding?

- Correct, Dick.

The government
is trying to kill me.

Obviously, when
I say government,

I mean specifically the CIA.

They know that if this
information were to get out,

it would panic the public.

- But you're not hiding now.

- Well, Dick, I didn't
feel I could pass up

an opportunity to
speak on television.

I've been trying for months to
tell my story over the airwaves,

but as we all know,
the three major networks

as well as PBS and
most cable channels

are now controlled
by the Soviet Union.

- Okay. I'm afraid that's all
the time we have for today.

- Four more minutes, Dick.

- Not for me, pal.

This is Dick Loudon for
"Book Talk" saying goodbye,

and please try to forget this.

- And how long have you
been in the KGB, Dick?

- Meow.