Newhart (1982–1990): Season 2, Episode 1 - It Happened One Afternoon: Part 1 - full transcript

Joanna, Dick wants to know

if you remembered to pack
his razor and shaving cream.

Tell him I packed everything.

She did, Dick.

- He sure is excited.
- I know.

I don't blame him, getting to
meet a star like Erica Chase.

I'd like to read her life story

even if Dick doesn't
get to be the writer.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I read all about
her, standing in line

at the grocery store.



George, I'm sure all that
gossip about her love life

is highly exaggerated.

- You think so?
- I hope so.

Anyway, I guess we'll
find out in the book.

I just hope Dick
gets this assignment.

I think it means a lot to him.

Well, I'm sure he will.

Dick's a good guy.

George, they don't
give book assignments

because you're a good guy.

They give them because
you're talented.

Uh-oh.

Joanna, have you seen the
tie I was going to wear?

- It's in the bedroom.
- I can't find it.



- Did you look in the closet?
- I looked everywhere.

- What about on the dresser?
- Everywhere.

Did you look on the hanger
with your sport coat?

Thank you!

You know, I'm probably one of
Erica Chase's biggest fans.

Are you, George?

Did you ever see that movie
she made about world war III,

where she ended up the
last woman on earth

in a bikini?

No.

Boy, can she act.

Well, all I need is my
briefcase and I'm off.

Here it is.

Ah, thank you.

You realize that this
will be the first night

that we will have spent apart
since we moved to Vermont?

Honey, I asked you if you
wanted to come with me,

but you said you had
too many things to do.

I know.

It's just that you're
going off to New York

to have an interview
with a movie star,

and I'm, you know...

Trying to make me feel guilty.

Yeah.

Well, if it's any
consolation, I do.

Good.

Then have a wonderful time.

And you have the number
where you can reach me

in case anything comes up.

I would never bother you

unless it was an
absolute emergency.

Dick, do you think you
could get Erica Chase

to autograph a picture for me?

Well, I'll try, George.

George, this is
a picture of you.

I know. I don't have a
picture of her, Dick.

I'll see what I can do.

You'll call me as soon
as you know anything.

- I promise.
- And good luck.

- Thank you.
- I'll miss you.

I know.

I miss you, too.

Do you really
think he'll get it?

I really do, George.

Dick's a very fine writer.

No, I meant the picture.

I'm sure he'll do his best.

Well, I guess you're in charge
of the inn now that Dick is gone.

George, I'm in charge of
the inn when Dick is here.

You are?

Who do you think
checks in the guests

and keeps the books and
pays you your salary?

Well, I know you do all that.

I just always thought,
after you did it,

you went and told Dick.

Excuse me.

Could somebody give
me a hand with this?

Hey, Stephanie!

Joanna, guess who's here?

Stephanie.

- Yeah.
- You remember.

Well, of course we
remember. How are you?

Fine.

I hope you don't mind
my showing up like this.

I know you weren't expecting me.

Don't be silly. Come on in.

Sit down.

Is this all your luggage?

- No, there's more in the car.
- I'll get it.

Gosh, it's good
to see you again.

What brings you up here?

Well, I was talking
to Leslie last night,

and I just sort of got the
urge to see everybody again.

How is she?

Leslie?

Oh, she's fine.

She called me from...

Now, where was it?

England.

No, I know it was England.

I was trying to
remember the town.

Something about shoes.

- Oxford.
- Right.

She's over there...

What did she tell me she
was doing over there?

Finishing her education.

That's it.

You'll have to forgive me

if I seem a little scattered.

My mind hasn't been
functioning too well lately.

Is everything all right?

Oh, yeah, I've just been busy.

- Really?
- No, not really.

When I say busy,
I mean depressed.

What's the matter?

I ended my marriage with Carl.

Oh, Stephanie, I'm so
sorry to hear that.

Yeah, so was Carl.

Can you tell me what happened?

I just made a
mistake. That's all.

I mean, Carl was this
sweet, wonderful guy,

but he just wasn't somebody
I could spend my life with,

and rather than go
on living a charade,

I decided to end it.

- When was this?
- At the reception.

Huh?

Oh, of course I didn't
say anything right then.

I stayed married to
him the whole weekend

so I wouldn't seem flighty.

Your whole marriage
lasted two days?

I know. It sounds
short, doesn't it,

but, believe me, it
seemed like a week.

Stephanie, I know it's
none of my business,

but two days?

How could you know that quickly?

I just did, Joanna.

Look. Nobody wanted to be
married more than I did.

Ever since I was a little girl,

I wanted to be married.

I was groomed to be married.

I just couldn't be
married to Carl.

Unfortunately my parents
don't see it that way.

They think the whole problem

is that I've had everything
too easy all my life,

and now that I'm grown up,

I can't face responsibility.

What do you think?

I really try not
to think about it.

That's okay, George. You
can get the rest later.

Oh, thanks.

Stephanie, I don't
know what to say.

I feel terrible about this.

If it's about the luggage,
I can get the rest now.

No, George, we're talking
about Stephanie's marriage.

It broke up.

Oh, I'm sorry.

The worst part

is that my family thinks
it's all their fault

for never making me
work for anything,

so now they're trying
to make up for it.

They say it's time
I faced reality.

They say it's time I left home

and started trying
to support myself.

You mean you have to get a job?

Hey, it's not the
end of the world.

It's the end of my world.

Anyway, that's
really why I'm here.

I thought maybe you could
help me find something.

Of course. You know we'll
help you any way we can.

Problem is I don't know
who's going to hire me.

I mean, I can't do anything.

I don't have any experience.

I don't have an education.

Sometimes I think the
only thing I'm good for

if looking at,

thought that's important.

I admit finding a
job won't be easy.

- It's going to be impossible.
- No, it isn't.

- If worse comes to worse, you could always...
- always what?

Well, I was going to say,
you could always work here.

Seriously?

Of course I would have
to discuss it with Dick.

Unfortunately he just
left for New York.

Oh.

But that's okay.

I'm sure he'd go
along with this.

In fact I know
he would. Right?

Oh, what the heck,
you've got the job.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Doing what?

Well, you could do
what Leslie used to do.

You could be a maid.

A maid.

Oh, boy.

I realize it's not
something you want to do

for the rest of your life,
but at least it's a start.

Oh, listen. I appreciate it.

- Congratulations.
- Thanks.

I had no idea, when I
came looking for a job,

that I'd end up here.

Really?

Well, maybe a little inkling.

- But I'm so...
- Oh.

And you know?

The best part.

It came so easily.

Make yourselves
comfortable, gentlemen.

Miss chase and her manager
are running a little late.

- They'll be up in just a bit.
- Thank you.

If you need anything,
just let me know.

Well, you've come a
long way. Haven't you?

I guess.

Did you ever think,

when you sold that
first magazine article,

that some day you and
I would be standing

in Erica Chase's hotel room

about to make a deal
for a best seller?

Not really.

I sure didn't.

Gotta tell you.

I'm proud of you.

Elliott, you've given me
that speech a hundred times.

Yeah, but this is the
first time I've meant it.

- I'll get it.
- You think we should?

- It's not our phone.
- It's probably my office.

Yeah. Uh-huh, how you doing?

Yeah, we just got here.

You should see this
room. You would die.

Nothing. We're just sitting
here waiting for Erica.

Sure. Hold on.

It's Joanna.

Joanna?

Hi, honey. Is
everything all right?

Yeah, I remember
our conversation

when you said that
you'd only call me

if it was an absolute emergency.

What's the emergency?

Stephanie? I remember her.

She married that guy Carl.

Already, huh?

Honey, I don't
think I'd do that.

Well, because she's never
worked a day in her life.

Honey, wait a
minute. I'm confused.

Are you calling me
to ask my opinion

or to tell me you've done it?

In that case, I think
it's a bad idea.

You did.

Then good luck.

No, I'm glad you called

and we were able
to talk it over.

I will as soon as
I know anything.

I love you, too. What's that?

Tell George not yet.

What's up?

I can't believe all the things
that are going on back home.

This girl we know
left her husband,

and Joanna hired her as a maid.

You can't expect life to stand
still just because you're not there.

I've been gone an
hour and a half.

Psst. Joanna.

- Hi, Kirk.
- Shh.

Where's Stephanie?

Upstairs. George
just went to get her.

- Is it true what I've heard?
- What have you heard?

That you've hired
her to work here?

- Yes.
- I can't believe it.

What in god's name
were you thinking of?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the
last time she was here.

I'm talking about the
night we spent together.

Kirk, the last time
Stephanie was here,

she was very mixed up.

That is the only reason
that night ever happened.

Well, thank you very much.

Look, you can believe what
you want about that night.

All I'm saying is there is no
way I can live next door to her

knowing that every
time I see her

and she sees me, we're
going to be reminded of it.

So what are you going to do, spend the
rest of your life hiding in your cafe,

afraid to come out for fear that
she'll catch a glimpse of you?

- Yeah.
- Joanna.

- That's them. Hide me.
- I will not.

Then I'm getting out of here,

and I'm never coming back.

Joanna, we've got a problem.

What is it, George?

Stephanie, what's the matter?

Oh, nothing.

What's wrong?

I called my parents to
tell them the good news.

They said that coming up
here was a stupid idea

and taking this job
was a stupid idea,

and they want me
to come back home.

Now I don't know what to do.

Going home just means
more than being upset

and criticizing me

and trying to get me
to go back to Carl.

Then again, it's not
cleaning toilets.

Gee, Stephanie, I'm sorry.

I wish there was
something I could say.

So do I.

Boy, if I had known life
was going to be this hard

at my coming out party, I
never would have come out.

This is a great suite.

Elliott, what are
you doing in there?

Just lying on her bed.

Would you get out here?

See, that's what I hate
about being in a room

and the person isn't there.

Will you calm down?

Boy, if you're this nervous now,

what are you going to be
like when they get here?

I wouldn't be this nervous if
you weren't snooping around.

Okay, take it easy.

Look, let's go
over our game plan.

Figure out how
you're going to act.

All I can be is myself.

You could be better at it.

Look, the main thing is
not to make them think

that you need the job.

I don't need the job.

It wouldn't hurt.

I'm just saying, be aloof.

Be above it all.

When Erica Chase and her manager

walk in that door,

act like you couldn't care less.

Hi, sorry we're running late.

Sorry? An important
guy like him

apologizing to nobodies like us.

Erica will be up in a second.
You must be Dick and Elliott.

- I'm Elliott.
- Then you must be Dick.

Hi, John Carson,
Erica's manager.

You must take a lot of
kidding about the name.

Why's that?

John Carson. Johnny Carson.

Oh.

Uh, can I get you guys
anything to drink?

- Uh...
- No, no thanks.

- Whatta you got?
- You name it.

I'll have a glass of water.

Fine. So where you from, Dick?

Here originally but we
live in Vermont now.

Oh, yes, beautiful up there.

I have an aunt or a grandmother,
somebody who lives up there.

Like to get back,
but time, you know?

Yeah, I guess you could
kill pretty close to an hour

getting there from here.

So have you been
interviewing a lot of people?

Not really.

Erica's a little concerned,

but I said, "Erica, relax.

Your story is so incredible,
a monkey could write it."

Dick, the thing we want most

is for this story to be
a quality piece of work.

Great. I feel the same way.

How fast do you think
you can get it done?

I don't know.

That... that depends on how much time
that Erica wants to devote to it.

Don't worry about Dick.

He's been grinding
them out for years.

I don't grind them out.

Uh, I'm sorry, Dick. I didn't mean
to make you sound like a hack.

Believe me. When you
need it, he'll have it.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

Oh, my god, it's Erica Chase.

Erica, this is Dick
loudon and Elliott gabler.

How do you do?

- I'll get it.
- Nice to meet you.

- I'm in awe.
- Thank you. Please sit down.

For you, Dick.

Are you sure?

Cross my heart.

You can take it there.

Oh, excuse me.

Hello. Oh, hi, honey.

Yeah, everyone's here.

We're just starting
to get acquainted.

He is thrilled at the
thought of working with you.

- Really?
- I give you my word.

Money will not be a problem.

Honey, I know you wouldn't
call if it wasn't important.

So what's the problem?

Joanna, if Stephanie
doesn't want to stay there,

there's nothing you can
do to keep her there.

Honey, I really don't have a
lot of time to talk right now.

That means let her
go, let her go.

Now I've got to go.

The moment I know
something. I promise.

Tell him, if he
asks one more time,

he's not even getting
his own picture back.

I love you, too.

Good-bye.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, everything's fine.

It's just a little
thing back home

that for some reason is
becoming a big thing.

Where were we?

I was just about to
get Erica a drink.

Did John tell you how I
happened to ask for you?

Elliott said you
read a book of mine.

Yes, that's right, last year.

I read "How to Make a Doghouse
Your Pet Will Thank You for".

And I've got to tell
you, I loved it.

It was funny and fresh

and just so different from
anything else you read,

so when this whole
thing came up,

I didn't want to go
to the usual people.

I said to John, "why don't we get
that man who wrote the how-to book?"

No, thank you.

So John started checking it out

to find out who did
it, and people said,

"if it's a how-to book,

it's got to be Dick loudon,"

and what can I tell
you? Here you are.

I didn't write that book.

- What?
- It's not mine. It was Preston Peters.

- Well, isn't that funny.
- Yeah.

This is very embarrassing.

I mean, apparently we have
called you here for nothing.

Wait a minute, Dick. You're
a writer, aren't you?

Yeah.

Like what have you written?

Lots of things, really...

"How to Build Plywood Furniture
Anyone Would be Proud of"

"101 Uses for Garden Hoses"

You know, if you're looking for
something in the humorous vein.

And I guess my
biggest seller would be

"You Too Can Carve".

Well, those sound cute.

Have you ready any
of those, John?

I don't think so.

You seem like a
very nice person,

and I guess a writer's a writer.

Exactly.

Why don't I at least tell
you what we're looking for.

Yeah, I'd really
like to hear that.

When they came to
me with this idea,

they said, "Erica, if anybody's life
is meant to be a book, it's yours."

And I guess it's true.

I do tend to fall in love a lot.

The problem is I
know how to live,

but I haven't the foggiest
idea how to put it on paper.

That's perfect. Dick's
just the opposite.

Anyway, what I'm looking for

is someone I can feel
comfortable with.

I think I do have some
fun stories to tell.

Of course I don't know if
the people I'm going to name

will think they're fun.

Yeah, that is a concern of mine.

What are the actual
legal ramifications

of naming names?

Don't worry about it.

Well, that clears that up.

So what do you think, Dick?

Obviously I'm interested,

or I wouldn't be here.

I'm sorry I'm not the
person you were looking for,

but I think I could
do a good job.

Do you really?

Yes, I think the
important thing is

that you tell your story

the way you want it told

rather than the way the tabloids
have already been telling it.

I like that.

I love it.

Can I be honest?

I don't know how
you pick a writer.

If I did, I guess I would
have made better movies,

but I've got a feeling you
and I could be good together.

Well, I think so, too.

What do you think, John?

Absolutely.

Then it's settled.

Why don't you guys
go out and make

whatever deals have to be made

while Dick and I pour a glass
of something to celebrate.

- You mean this is it?
- Uh-huh.

Hey, that's great.

Congratulations.
This is great.

You guys are going
to make a great team.

This is going to
make a great book.

This is so great.
I can't believe it.

This shouldn't take long.

I think he's almost
as excited as I am.

Well, he should be. I think
we're going to make a great team.

Of course it'll
take a little while

for us to get used
to each other.

That's true.

One thing you should know
about me before we begin.

I like to write in the morning.

I just... I just
think I think better.

There's one thing you
should know about me, too.

And what's that?

I've never worked with a man
I haven't been intimate with.