Newhart (1982–1990): Season 1, Episode 22 - I Enjoy Being a Guy - full transcript
After winning big at golf and poker, Dick tries desperately to lose his new winnings, meanwhile George convinces Kirk to take him clothes shopping.
Hi, guys.
- Hi, Kirk.
- Hi, Kirk.
- What's up?
- Not a thing. What's up with you?
I just thought
I'd take a break from my café
and come over for a roll and coffee.
- You don't have rolls at your café?
- Not fresh.
By the way, have you heard who Rosalie
-at the paint store is fooling around with?
- No, I haven't.
Well, I guess I'll just have to find out
from someone else.
- See you.
- Say, Kirk, before you go,
-could I ask you a question?
- Yeah.
- Where do you get your clothes?
- Why?
Well, I was just thinking
what a snazzy dresser you are.
Gee, thanks, George.
Coming from you, that's...
Well, thanks.
I wish I could look better.
I never get any compliments
on the way I dress.
Hard to believe.
George, people have to dress
for the kind of work they do.
Leslie's right. You're a caretaker,
so naturally, you're dressed in overalls.
She's a maid, so of course she's
in designer jeans and cashmere sweaters.
I don't even know how to get clothes
like you wear.
Well, you have to ask.
Can I have some of your clothes?
Don't do that.
- I meant, you have to ask at a store.
-1 do ask.
But every time I say
I need shirts and pants,
they always show me something sturdy.
George, if you like Kirk's clothes,
why don't you ask him
to go shopping with you?
- He wouldn't do that.
- Sure, he would.
No, he wouldn't.
- Sure, he would.
- Why?
(SIGHING)
Look at all the things
that George has done for you.
He's helped you clean your café,
he's patched your roof when it leaked,
he's fixed your appliances,
he's repaired plumbing,
he's pruned your trees. You owe him.
- George, how about if ll take you shopping?
- You'd do that?
Well, you've done a lot of favors for me,
I guess I can do this for you.
Gee, thanks. Can we go right now?
Well, just let me lock up the café,
I'll meet you back here.
Great.
Hey, Kirk, thanks.
I'll take him shopping for 10 minutes,
but then we're even.
I'm looking forward to this.
I'm a real golf fanatic.
It'll be great having you as our fourth.
Ever since old Wally passed away,
we've been looking for someone
to take his place.
I hope you mean on the golf course.
You remember Leslie Vanderkellen?
No, don't believe we do,
but nice seeing you again.
Nice seeing you.
Well, then it's all set.
Tee-off is at 9:00 tomorrow.
- We'll pick you up at 8:30.
-1 can't wait.
And you're sure there's no problem
with joining the club.
No, no.
It's privately owned, but anybody can join.
They've only turned down one person
in the whole history of the club.
Great. Well, see you in the morning.
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
- Where's Joanna?
- Upstairs.
- Joanna.
- What, honey?
Jim Dixon and Chester Wanamaker asked
me to play golf with them tomorrow.
- That's wonderful.
- Yeah.
You've been looking
for somebody to play golf with
-ever since we moved up here.
- Yeah, they play at Maple Knolls.
It's supposed to be one of the
most popular courses in the state.
- Really tough, huh?
- No, really easy.
Well, say goodbye to the old George Utley.
Where is the old George Utley going?
Kirk's gonna help me
pick out some new clothes.
I wanna look just like Kirk.
- Why?
- Because Kirk is a snazzy dresser.
George is right. Kirk is a good dresser.
Are you gonna play golf, Dick?
Yeah.
That's nice.
Well, I think what Dick is looking
forward to, as much as anything,
is getting to be
with some of the guys in town.
You know, I think it's important
that men get together sometimes
-and do men things.
- So do l.
Ready to go shopping, George?
- Yep.
- Let's go.
Hey, hey, hey.
- Boy, this is really nice.
- Well, we think so.
There's a clubroom here
where you can sit afterwards
and have a cold drink or watch TV.
This is gonna be great.
You know, I have to tell you,
I've been looking forward to this
ever since you came by yesterday.
Well, a man's gotta get out of the house
once in a while.
Yeah, wives are fine,
but how long can you talk
about dieting and bargains?
Well, I have to admit,
I do hunger for real conversation.
MAN IN SHOWER ROOM:
Hey, how about those Red Sox?
Well, they're looking good.
But I still think
it's gonna be Baltimore's year.
-{(SCOFFS) Not without Weaver.
- Weaver doesn't hit or pitch.
The Orioles still have the horses.
See, that's just what ll mean.
I love that kind of talk.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey...
- There he is.
Sorry I'm late. I stopped on the way
to pick up a six-pack of beer for later.
I love beer.
Doc, we'd like you to meet Dick Loudon.
This is Doc Owens.
- Dick.
- Doc.
This is the fourth member
of our little group.
Is Doc a nickname,
or are you a real doctor?
No, I'm really a doctor, Dick.
- A GP or a surgeon?
- Professor.
1 have a Ph.D. in English literature.
You know, Dick's a writer.
You two have a lot in common.
Yeah, I write the books,
and you read them.
Sure is a small world.
Well, we better get out there.
We don't wanna miss our start time.
Say, Dick, did they tell you
we play for money?
What's that?
It's small stakes,
just to make it interesting.
Nobody said anything about gambling.
Well, I wouldn't call it gambling.
We play for $5 a hole.
You lose the hole, you lose $5,
but if you win the hole, you win $15.
Well, I only got $40 on me.
I mean, you know, at $5 a hole,
I could lose...
Hardly anything.
Look, if you win four holes and lose 14,
you're only down $10.
But if you win five holes and lose 13,
then you're up $10.
Course, if you win six holes and lose 12...
- Is $40 gonna be enough?
- Plenty.
Great, let's go.
Besides, even if you do lose,
you're still ahead,
-because the winner buys lunch.
- Great.
And we pay another dollar
to the guy who hits the longest drive.
- Right.
- And sinks the longest putt.
And if you wind up in a trap,
it'll cost you 50 cents.
And 50 more
if you take more than one shot to get out.
Do you guys take credit cards?
(CHUCKLING)
Hey, that was fun, wasn't it?
Yeah, I was pleased
with my putting today.
- I can't believe it.
- Come on, Dick. Cheer up.
-1 told you. I'm not a gambler.
- What's the big deal?
The big deal is you said
you play for small stakes.
- We do.
- Then how come I won $233?
Hey, you were burning up
the course today.
No, I wasn't.
- Looked that way to us.
- MR. DIXON: Yeah.
Believe it or not, I've shot better than a 98.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
-1 think we've been hustled.
We should have known we were in trouble
when he won the driving contest.
Look, I really feel badly about this.
I wish you'd let me give you back
your money, and we'll call it even.
Come on, it's no big thing.
I feel like maybe I caught you
on a bad day.
Bad day? Are you kidding?
A hundred and fourteen
is my best score ever.
- Really?
- You were consistent, too, Chester.
Twin 57s.
Look, I'd really feel better
if you take your money back.
Now, Dick, we can't let you do that.
You won it fair and square.
Besides, we have no intention
of letting you leave here with all of it.
(CHUCKLING)
- What are you talking about?
- We plan to win it back at poker.
- Poker?
- Yeah, we play poker after golf.
It's a tradition.
Look, I really don't like to gamble.
But it's a tradition.
We've been doing it for 10 years.
Well, not gambling is a tradition with me.
I've been doing it all my life.
Dick, you've got $233 of our money.
Are you saying you're not gonna
give us a chance to win it back?
- No, I'm not saying that.
- Then what are you saying?
I can only play till 5:30.
GEORGE: What's wrong
with what I'm wearing?
KIRK: It's stupid,
that's what's wrong with it.
- I'm gonna ask Joanna.
- Fine, you ask Joanna.
What's going on?
Would you please do me a favor
and tell George that he looks like a boob?
- Quit calling me that.
- What is going on with you two?
Is there anything wrong
with what I'm wearing?
No, not if you're four.
- But if you're a grown man, it's pathetic.
-1 was talking to Joanna.
Kirk's upset
because I'm wearing my new turtleneck.
I'm upset because you're wearing it
with your overalls.
Any fool knows
it goes with the brown cords.
Well, if you know that,
then you must be the fool.
(INAUDIBLE)
Kirk, he's just wearing it
around the house.
No, he's not.
He came over to the café this way
and announced in front of the whole room,
"Look at the clothes
Kirk picked out for me."
God, it was humiliating.
I thought the person that was there
was gonna leave.
Il like my new turtleneck,
and ll like it with my overalls.
Okay, if you know so much about clothes,
what are you gonna wear
with the brown cords?
- The blue plaid shirt.
- Oh, puke.
Kirk, I'm making a salad.
Would you just stop making
such a big deal about this and go change?
- No.
- Then I never wanna see you again.
Well, that's too bad, because I'm coming
over to your café for dinner tonight,
-and I'm wearing this.
- Yeah, I'm not gonna serve you.
- Well, I'm gonna stay there anyway.
- Yeah? You can sit there till you rot!
I can't believe how childish he's being.
Why are you making such a big deal
about this?
Because I helped George
pick out his clothes.
The way George dresses
is a reflection of me.
Just like the way Dick dresses
is a reflection of you.
- Hi, Kirk. Hi, honey.
- JOANNA: Hi.
Why do I suddenly feel better?
What is this? Dress funny day?
-1 was out playing golf.
- How'd it go?
- Fine.
- You're home late.
Yeah, we hung out at the club
for a little while afterwards.
- What club is that?
- Maple Knolls.
Maple Knolls?
That's pretty exclusive, isn't it?
No. Why?
I tried to join once,
and they turned me down.
- Really?
- Yeah, well. It doesn't matter anyway.
I've always thought of golf
as a sissy game.
- Get out.
- I'm going.
- Are the guys nice?
- Yeah, they're... They're nice guys.
You seem a little hesitant.
What's the matter?
I found out they're gamblers.
- Serious gamblers?
- They are now.
- What do you mean?
-1 won $703.
You won $703 playing golf?
No, I won $233 playing golf.
I won $470 playing poker.
- What were you doing playing poker?
- Trying to lose the $233 I won at golf.
Joanna, you wouldn't believe these guys.
They play every Saturday.
They are the worst golfers
you've ever seen.
The only thing
they're worse at than golf is cards.
I wanna talk about
what you're gonna do with $703.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
If it bothers you,
why don't you give the money back?
Because guys don't give money back
they've won from other guys.
- Why not?
- They just don't.
But that doesn't make sense.
Well, it doesn't make sense to you
because you're a woman.
Before you apologize,
tell me what you're talking about.
There are certain things
that guys do and don't do.
- It's like a code that guys live by.
- A code?
All right, for example,
a guy would never insult another guy
by giving him back money
he'd won from him.
Or like when guys go out to eat.
I mean, guys would never think
of splitting the check.
Guys would never think
of stopping a car for directions.
They'd rather just drive around
for an hour saying, "Trust me."
What are you saying?
What I'm saying is, if I want these guys
to have their money back,
I'm gonna have to let them win it back.
You can't just keep it
and not play anymore?
- No.
- Explain that one.
You always give a guy a second chance.
That's like the golden rule of guys.
Then what's the problem?
The problem is I can't let them know
I'm letting them win it back.
- The code again?
- Yeah.
What is that, like a subheading?
Look, Joanna,
you can go ahead and make fun of this,
but this is real important to me.
I mean, I'm telling you what guys think
if you wanna be one of the guys.
And if you wanna be one of the guys,
you don't break the code.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
- It's hell being a guy, isn't it, Dick?
- It's no picnic.
Could you do me a favor, honey,
and open the bottle of wine for dinner?
Sure, where's the corkscrew?
Being a guy, I thought you'd just wanna
pull it out with your teeth.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Don't take it so hard, Dick.
Last week was your week,
this week was ours.
I was really lousy today.
Come on, Dick, you can't get lucky
and shoot a 98 every week.
Seven more weeks of this,
and we'll win all our money back.
I don't know if it'll take that long.
With the way my luck is running,
I could lose it all today.
We're still gonna play cards, right?
- Sure.
- Well, why waste time? Let's go.
- Oh, good, the table is free.
-1 want my lucky chair.
- I'll deal.
- All right, I'll pass out the chips.
- How long can you stay this week?
- As long as it takes.
Twenty for you, and 20 for you,
and 20 for you.
And with the $901 lost today,
that leaves me with only $610.
Okay, this is five-card draw,
jacks or better to open.
- Wow.
- Great, here we go.
- Ante?
- Ante up.
It's to you, Dick.
I'll open for a dollar.
-1 fold.
-1 fold.
- What are you doing?
- We figured you had a good hand.
You did this last time.
You give up too soon.
You have to keep drawing cards
to get a better hand.
Sounds risky, Dick.
We're gambling.
Well, take it easy, Dick.
We'll play another hand.
Right, okay. It's my deal, same game,
and just try to think
about what you're doing.
You been to Las Vegas, Dick?
Yeah.
- Who did you see?
- Steve and Eydie.
Is that that puppet and stripper act?
Okay, it's to you, Doc.
- I can't open.
- I can't open.
- Well, ll can't open.
- All right, I'll open for a dollar.
And no one fold!
(CHIPS CLINKING)
- Doc, how many you want?
- Three.
Two.
Three.
And I'll get by with these.
Okay, I'll bet $2.
- I'min.
- I'min.
(SIGHS) Me, too.
- Got a pair of jacks.
- I don't have anything.
- Me either.
- Me either.
Then why did you stay in?
We thought that was what
you wanted us to do.
You got mad when we folded.
I don't believe this.
It's okay, Dick. It's only a couple of dollars.
A couple of dollars? It's $600.
I mean, how can you do this?
- Do what?
- How can you gamble?
You don't know how to play poker,
and you don't know how to play golf.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Wait a minute, Dick.
We beat you today at golf.
You beat me because I shot 132.
And even at that, I beat Chester.
Well, I had hay fever, Dick.
Look, I'm trying to give you a chance
to win back your money,
but how can I give you a chance
when you're playing like jerks?
- We're sorry, Dick.
- We'll try to play better.
Look, you can't play better,
and I don't think I can play any worse.
We're just gonna have to find a game
that requires no skill at all.
What about bridge?
Look, I'll tell you what,
why don't we just cut for a high card?
The whole $600,
me against the three of you.
Is this something you're good at?
There's no such thing
as being good at this.
Who's gonna cut for you?
- Well, who feels lucky?
- It doesn't matter.
- Pick someone.
-1 think I do.
All right, fine. It's me against Chester,
$600, double or nothing.
If I lose, you get all your money back.
Split it between you.
- Good luck, Chester.
- Chester, cut.
(BREATHES DRAMATICALLY)
Nine.
King.
- Does that mean we owe you $1,200?
- For now, but I'm gonna lose.
Don't you see? I'm gonna lose eventually.
It's the law of averages.
All right, cut again.
Jack.
Queen.
- Get out your calculator, Jim.
- It's $2,400.
- All right. Cut again.
- Hey, hey, hey. Wait a minute here.
$2,400 is a lot of money.
(IMPATIENTLY)
It doesn't matter, I'm going to lose.
- Cut.
- You cut first.
Four.
Two.
$4,800.
Why don't we just write him a check
and get out of it while we can?
I don't have that kind of money.
I don't want your money,
I want you to keep cutting.
Sure, who wouldn't?
Seven.
King.
$9,600.
My wife will kill me.
- No, she won't. Cut.
- I'm getting out of here.
No one's getting out of here
until I lose all my money!
- Now, sit down and cut.
- He's a madman.
Cut.
Eight.
Ten.
$19,200.
That's more than I make in a year.
- Don"t worry about it.
-1 have children to put through school.
-1 was thinking of retiring.
- Cut! Cut!
Seven.
Ten.
$38,400.
That's it. I'll have to sell my house.
- No, you won't.
- Have mercy, Dick.
Cut!
Five.
Three. Finally.
- Three?
- Three?
- We won.
- Thank God.
- We won. We won.
- I can't believe it. Dick owes us $38,000.
No, ll don't. It's double or nothing.
Now, it's nothing.
You mean, we don't get anything?
You get your $600 back.
That was the whole point.
Now why don't you take it
and go buy some golf lessons.
- Where are you going?
- Home to my wife.
- Well, we don't understand.
- Look, the only reason I did this
was to be one of the guys.
But it's no fun being one of the guys
with guys who are as lousy
at being guys as you are.
Are you saying
you don't wanna play poker anymore?
I'm saying
I don't wanna play poker anymore,
I don't wanna play golf anymore,
I don't even wanna be a guy anymore.
There's my share of lunch.
He sure is different from old Wally.
I know, Wally used to clean us out
every week, and he never got mad.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
- What are you doing?
- Just writing a letter.
I'm gonna go upstairs and shower.
- How'd it go?
- Great. ll lost $38,000.
Dick?
Dick?
- Hi, Kirk.
- Hi, Kirk.
- What's up?
- Not a thing. What's up with you?
I just thought
I'd take a break from my café
and come over for a roll and coffee.
- You don't have rolls at your café?
- Not fresh.
By the way, have you heard who Rosalie
-at the paint store is fooling around with?
- No, I haven't.
Well, I guess I'll just have to find out
from someone else.
- See you.
- Say, Kirk, before you go,
-could I ask you a question?
- Yeah.
- Where do you get your clothes?
- Why?
Well, I was just thinking
what a snazzy dresser you are.
Gee, thanks, George.
Coming from you, that's...
Well, thanks.
I wish I could look better.
I never get any compliments
on the way I dress.
Hard to believe.
George, people have to dress
for the kind of work they do.
Leslie's right. You're a caretaker,
so naturally, you're dressed in overalls.
She's a maid, so of course she's
in designer jeans and cashmere sweaters.
I don't even know how to get clothes
like you wear.
Well, you have to ask.
Can I have some of your clothes?
Don't do that.
- I meant, you have to ask at a store.
-1 do ask.
But every time I say
I need shirts and pants,
they always show me something sturdy.
George, if you like Kirk's clothes,
why don't you ask him
to go shopping with you?
- He wouldn't do that.
- Sure, he would.
No, he wouldn't.
- Sure, he would.
- Why?
(SIGHING)
Look at all the things
that George has done for you.
He's helped you clean your café,
he's patched your roof when it leaked,
he's fixed your appliances,
he's repaired plumbing,
he's pruned your trees. You owe him.
- George, how about if ll take you shopping?
- You'd do that?
Well, you've done a lot of favors for me,
I guess I can do this for you.
Gee, thanks. Can we go right now?
Well, just let me lock up the café,
I'll meet you back here.
Great.
Hey, Kirk, thanks.
I'll take him shopping for 10 minutes,
but then we're even.
I'm looking forward to this.
I'm a real golf fanatic.
It'll be great having you as our fourth.
Ever since old Wally passed away,
we've been looking for someone
to take his place.
I hope you mean on the golf course.
You remember Leslie Vanderkellen?
No, don't believe we do,
but nice seeing you again.
Nice seeing you.
Well, then it's all set.
Tee-off is at 9:00 tomorrow.
- We'll pick you up at 8:30.
-1 can't wait.
And you're sure there's no problem
with joining the club.
No, no.
It's privately owned, but anybody can join.
They've only turned down one person
in the whole history of the club.
Great. Well, see you in the morning.
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
- Where's Joanna?
- Upstairs.
- Joanna.
- What, honey?
Jim Dixon and Chester Wanamaker asked
me to play golf with them tomorrow.
- That's wonderful.
- Yeah.
You've been looking
for somebody to play golf with
-ever since we moved up here.
- Yeah, they play at Maple Knolls.
It's supposed to be one of the
most popular courses in the state.
- Really tough, huh?
- No, really easy.
Well, say goodbye to the old George Utley.
Where is the old George Utley going?
Kirk's gonna help me
pick out some new clothes.
I wanna look just like Kirk.
- Why?
- Because Kirk is a snazzy dresser.
George is right. Kirk is a good dresser.
Are you gonna play golf, Dick?
Yeah.
That's nice.
Well, I think what Dick is looking
forward to, as much as anything,
is getting to be
with some of the guys in town.
You know, I think it's important
that men get together sometimes
-and do men things.
- So do l.
Ready to go shopping, George?
- Yep.
- Let's go.
Hey, hey, hey.
- Boy, this is really nice.
- Well, we think so.
There's a clubroom here
where you can sit afterwards
and have a cold drink or watch TV.
This is gonna be great.
You know, I have to tell you,
I've been looking forward to this
ever since you came by yesterday.
Well, a man's gotta get out of the house
once in a while.
Yeah, wives are fine,
but how long can you talk
about dieting and bargains?
Well, I have to admit,
I do hunger for real conversation.
MAN IN SHOWER ROOM:
Hey, how about those Red Sox?
Well, they're looking good.
But I still think
it's gonna be Baltimore's year.
-{(SCOFFS) Not without Weaver.
- Weaver doesn't hit or pitch.
The Orioles still have the horses.
See, that's just what ll mean.
I love that kind of talk.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey...
- There he is.
Sorry I'm late. I stopped on the way
to pick up a six-pack of beer for later.
I love beer.
Doc, we'd like you to meet Dick Loudon.
This is Doc Owens.
- Dick.
- Doc.
This is the fourth member
of our little group.
Is Doc a nickname,
or are you a real doctor?
No, I'm really a doctor, Dick.
- A GP or a surgeon?
- Professor.
1 have a Ph.D. in English literature.
You know, Dick's a writer.
You two have a lot in common.
Yeah, I write the books,
and you read them.
Sure is a small world.
Well, we better get out there.
We don't wanna miss our start time.
Say, Dick, did they tell you
we play for money?
What's that?
It's small stakes,
just to make it interesting.
Nobody said anything about gambling.
Well, I wouldn't call it gambling.
We play for $5 a hole.
You lose the hole, you lose $5,
but if you win the hole, you win $15.
Well, I only got $40 on me.
I mean, you know, at $5 a hole,
I could lose...
Hardly anything.
Look, if you win four holes and lose 14,
you're only down $10.
But if you win five holes and lose 13,
then you're up $10.
Course, if you win six holes and lose 12...
- Is $40 gonna be enough?
- Plenty.
Great, let's go.
Besides, even if you do lose,
you're still ahead,
-because the winner buys lunch.
- Great.
And we pay another dollar
to the guy who hits the longest drive.
- Right.
- And sinks the longest putt.
And if you wind up in a trap,
it'll cost you 50 cents.
And 50 more
if you take more than one shot to get out.
Do you guys take credit cards?
(CHUCKLING)
Hey, that was fun, wasn't it?
Yeah, I was pleased
with my putting today.
- I can't believe it.
- Come on, Dick. Cheer up.
-1 told you. I'm not a gambler.
- What's the big deal?
The big deal is you said
you play for small stakes.
- We do.
- Then how come I won $233?
Hey, you were burning up
the course today.
No, I wasn't.
- Looked that way to us.
- MR. DIXON: Yeah.
Believe it or not, I've shot better than a 98.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
-1 think we've been hustled.
We should have known we were in trouble
when he won the driving contest.
Look, I really feel badly about this.
I wish you'd let me give you back
your money, and we'll call it even.
Come on, it's no big thing.
I feel like maybe I caught you
on a bad day.
Bad day? Are you kidding?
A hundred and fourteen
is my best score ever.
- Really?
- You were consistent, too, Chester.
Twin 57s.
Look, I'd really feel better
if you take your money back.
Now, Dick, we can't let you do that.
You won it fair and square.
Besides, we have no intention
of letting you leave here with all of it.
(CHUCKLING)
- What are you talking about?
- We plan to win it back at poker.
- Poker?
- Yeah, we play poker after golf.
It's a tradition.
Look, I really don't like to gamble.
But it's a tradition.
We've been doing it for 10 years.
Well, not gambling is a tradition with me.
I've been doing it all my life.
Dick, you've got $233 of our money.
Are you saying you're not gonna
give us a chance to win it back?
- No, I'm not saying that.
- Then what are you saying?
I can only play till 5:30.
GEORGE: What's wrong
with what I'm wearing?
KIRK: It's stupid,
that's what's wrong with it.
- I'm gonna ask Joanna.
- Fine, you ask Joanna.
What's going on?
Would you please do me a favor
and tell George that he looks like a boob?
- Quit calling me that.
- What is going on with you two?
Is there anything wrong
with what I'm wearing?
No, not if you're four.
- But if you're a grown man, it's pathetic.
-1 was talking to Joanna.
Kirk's upset
because I'm wearing my new turtleneck.
I'm upset because you're wearing it
with your overalls.
Any fool knows
it goes with the brown cords.
Well, if you know that,
then you must be the fool.
(INAUDIBLE)
Kirk, he's just wearing it
around the house.
No, he's not.
He came over to the café this way
and announced in front of the whole room,
"Look at the clothes
Kirk picked out for me."
God, it was humiliating.
I thought the person that was there
was gonna leave.
Il like my new turtleneck,
and ll like it with my overalls.
Okay, if you know so much about clothes,
what are you gonna wear
with the brown cords?
- The blue plaid shirt.
- Oh, puke.
Kirk, I'm making a salad.
Would you just stop making
such a big deal about this and go change?
- No.
- Then I never wanna see you again.
Well, that's too bad, because I'm coming
over to your café for dinner tonight,
-and I'm wearing this.
- Yeah, I'm not gonna serve you.
- Well, I'm gonna stay there anyway.
- Yeah? You can sit there till you rot!
I can't believe how childish he's being.
Why are you making such a big deal
about this?
Because I helped George
pick out his clothes.
The way George dresses
is a reflection of me.
Just like the way Dick dresses
is a reflection of you.
- Hi, Kirk. Hi, honey.
- JOANNA: Hi.
Why do I suddenly feel better?
What is this? Dress funny day?
-1 was out playing golf.
- How'd it go?
- Fine.
- You're home late.
Yeah, we hung out at the club
for a little while afterwards.
- What club is that?
- Maple Knolls.
Maple Knolls?
That's pretty exclusive, isn't it?
No. Why?
I tried to join once,
and they turned me down.
- Really?
- Yeah, well. It doesn't matter anyway.
I've always thought of golf
as a sissy game.
- Get out.
- I'm going.
- Are the guys nice?
- Yeah, they're... They're nice guys.
You seem a little hesitant.
What's the matter?
I found out they're gamblers.
- Serious gamblers?
- They are now.
- What do you mean?
-1 won $703.
You won $703 playing golf?
No, I won $233 playing golf.
I won $470 playing poker.
- What were you doing playing poker?
- Trying to lose the $233 I won at golf.
Joanna, you wouldn't believe these guys.
They play every Saturday.
They are the worst golfers
you've ever seen.
The only thing
they're worse at than golf is cards.
I wanna talk about
what you're gonna do with $703.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
If it bothers you,
why don't you give the money back?
Because guys don't give money back
they've won from other guys.
- Why not?
- They just don't.
But that doesn't make sense.
Well, it doesn't make sense to you
because you're a woman.
Before you apologize,
tell me what you're talking about.
There are certain things
that guys do and don't do.
- It's like a code that guys live by.
- A code?
All right, for example,
a guy would never insult another guy
by giving him back money
he'd won from him.
Or like when guys go out to eat.
I mean, guys would never think
of splitting the check.
Guys would never think
of stopping a car for directions.
They'd rather just drive around
for an hour saying, "Trust me."
What are you saying?
What I'm saying is, if I want these guys
to have their money back,
I'm gonna have to let them win it back.
You can't just keep it
and not play anymore?
- No.
- Explain that one.
You always give a guy a second chance.
That's like the golden rule of guys.
Then what's the problem?
The problem is I can't let them know
I'm letting them win it back.
- The code again?
- Yeah.
What is that, like a subheading?
Look, Joanna,
you can go ahead and make fun of this,
but this is real important to me.
I mean, I'm telling you what guys think
if you wanna be one of the guys.
And if you wanna be one of the guys,
you don't break the code.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
- It's hell being a guy, isn't it, Dick?
- It's no picnic.
Could you do me a favor, honey,
and open the bottle of wine for dinner?
Sure, where's the corkscrew?
Being a guy, I thought you'd just wanna
pull it out with your teeth.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Don't take it so hard, Dick.
Last week was your week,
this week was ours.
I was really lousy today.
Come on, Dick, you can't get lucky
and shoot a 98 every week.
Seven more weeks of this,
and we'll win all our money back.
I don't know if it'll take that long.
With the way my luck is running,
I could lose it all today.
We're still gonna play cards, right?
- Sure.
- Well, why waste time? Let's go.
- Oh, good, the table is free.
-1 want my lucky chair.
- I'll deal.
- All right, I'll pass out the chips.
- How long can you stay this week?
- As long as it takes.
Twenty for you, and 20 for you,
and 20 for you.
And with the $901 lost today,
that leaves me with only $610.
Okay, this is five-card draw,
jacks or better to open.
- Wow.
- Great, here we go.
- Ante?
- Ante up.
It's to you, Dick.
I'll open for a dollar.
-1 fold.
-1 fold.
- What are you doing?
- We figured you had a good hand.
You did this last time.
You give up too soon.
You have to keep drawing cards
to get a better hand.
Sounds risky, Dick.
We're gambling.
Well, take it easy, Dick.
We'll play another hand.
Right, okay. It's my deal, same game,
and just try to think
about what you're doing.
You been to Las Vegas, Dick?
Yeah.
- Who did you see?
- Steve and Eydie.
Is that that puppet and stripper act?
Okay, it's to you, Doc.
- I can't open.
- I can't open.
- Well, ll can't open.
- All right, I'll open for a dollar.
And no one fold!
(CHIPS CLINKING)
- Doc, how many you want?
- Three.
Two.
Three.
And I'll get by with these.
Okay, I'll bet $2.
- I'min.
- I'min.
(SIGHS) Me, too.
- Got a pair of jacks.
- I don't have anything.
- Me either.
- Me either.
Then why did you stay in?
We thought that was what
you wanted us to do.
You got mad when we folded.
I don't believe this.
It's okay, Dick. It's only a couple of dollars.
A couple of dollars? It's $600.
I mean, how can you do this?
- Do what?
- How can you gamble?
You don't know how to play poker,
and you don't know how to play golf.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Wait a minute, Dick.
We beat you today at golf.
You beat me because I shot 132.
And even at that, I beat Chester.
Well, I had hay fever, Dick.
Look, I'm trying to give you a chance
to win back your money,
but how can I give you a chance
when you're playing like jerks?
- We're sorry, Dick.
- We'll try to play better.
Look, you can't play better,
and I don't think I can play any worse.
We're just gonna have to find a game
that requires no skill at all.
What about bridge?
Look, I'll tell you what,
why don't we just cut for a high card?
The whole $600,
me against the three of you.
Is this something you're good at?
There's no such thing
as being good at this.
Who's gonna cut for you?
- Well, who feels lucky?
- It doesn't matter.
- Pick someone.
-1 think I do.
All right, fine. It's me against Chester,
$600, double or nothing.
If I lose, you get all your money back.
Split it between you.
- Good luck, Chester.
- Chester, cut.
(BREATHES DRAMATICALLY)
Nine.
King.
- Does that mean we owe you $1,200?
- For now, but I'm gonna lose.
Don't you see? I'm gonna lose eventually.
It's the law of averages.
All right, cut again.
Jack.
Queen.
- Get out your calculator, Jim.
- It's $2,400.
- All right. Cut again.
- Hey, hey, hey. Wait a minute here.
$2,400 is a lot of money.
(IMPATIENTLY)
It doesn't matter, I'm going to lose.
- Cut.
- You cut first.
Four.
Two.
$4,800.
Why don't we just write him a check
and get out of it while we can?
I don't have that kind of money.
I don't want your money,
I want you to keep cutting.
Sure, who wouldn't?
Seven.
King.
$9,600.
My wife will kill me.
- No, she won't. Cut.
- I'm getting out of here.
No one's getting out of here
until I lose all my money!
- Now, sit down and cut.
- He's a madman.
Cut.
Eight.
Ten.
$19,200.
That's more than I make in a year.
- Don"t worry about it.
-1 have children to put through school.
-1 was thinking of retiring.
- Cut! Cut!
Seven.
Ten.
$38,400.
That's it. I'll have to sell my house.
- No, you won't.
- Have mercy, Dick.
Cut!
Five.
Three. Finally.
- Three?
- Three?
- We won.
- Thank God.
- We won. We won.
- I can't believe it. Dick owes us $38,000.
No, ll don't. It's double or nothing.
Now, it's nothing.
You mean, we don't get anything?
You get your $600 back.
That was the whole point.
Now why don't you take it
and go buy some golf lessons.
- Where are you going?
- Home to my wife.
- Well, we don't understand.
- Look, the only reason I did this
was to be one of the guys.
But it's no fun being one of the guys
with guys who are as lousy
at being guys as you are.
Are you saying
you don't wanna play poker anymore?
I'm saying
I don't wanna play poker anymore,
I don't wanna play golf anymore,
I don't even wanna be a guy anymore.
There's my share of lunch.
He sure is different from old Wally.
I know, Wally used to clean us out
every week, and he never got mad.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
- What are you doing?
- Just writing a letter.
I'm gonna go upstairs and shower.
- How'd it go?
- Great. ll lost $38,000.
Dick?
Dick?