Newhart (1982–1990): Season 1, Episode 21 - Grandma, What a Big Mouth You Have - full transcript
Kirk finally manages to get a date with Leslie when his grandmother arrives for a visit.
- Hi, honey. Morning, George.
- Hi.
Breakfast will be ready in a minute.
We were just talking
about that thunderstorm last night.
1 love thunderstorms. They're so beautiful,
and they leave everything
so fresh and clean.
Nature stinks.
- What's the matter, Kirk?
-"What's the matter?”
Did anyone notice
we had a thunderstorm last night?
Yeah, we were just saying
how much we enjoyed it.
Really? Well, thanks to the excellent
drainage and sloping landscape
of your property,
my cafe is now underwater.
Would you like some breakfast?
Well, either that
or we all could put on scuba gear
and eat over at my place.
- Can't be that bad.
- The floor is flooded.
- Flooded?
- Well, there are puddles.
- That sounds like a leaky roof to me.
- Me, too.
What are you trying to do?
Weasel out of paying damage to my cafe?
Pay? It's a leaky roof. It's not our fault.
{SCOFFS) Then lend me
the money to fix the roof.
That's not our fault either.
Okay, then let's talk about something else.
Okay, Leslie, how about you and I
going out tonight?
What time?
Why do you wanna know what time?
So I'll know when to be ready.
What is this? Some sort of a cruel joke?
You never go out with me.
Because I'm always busy.
But tonight I'm not.
So what time do you wanna go out?
(CHORTLES) I don't know.
I'm totally unprepared for this.
How about 7:00?
Fine. I'll just break the date I already have,
and I'll see you at 7:00.
If you have a date tonight,
why don't we go out tomorrow?
Fantastic.
Come on, Dick.
In your study. Come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
Kirk, why'd you drag me in here?
Leslie's finally going out with me.
This is the happiest day of my life.
I thought you'd wanna share it with me
and loan me money.
I'm not loaning you any money.
Look, I can understand
you not loaning me money for a roof.
I mean, that's gotta cost at least $1,000.
But a date, Dick.
I'm talking maybe half that.
You want $500 for a date with Leslie?
Look, this may be my only chance
to win Leslie.
How can you spend $500 on a date?
Well, first of all, there's dinner
at the finest restaurant ll can find.
I think it's a safe guess
that may be out of town.
So we have to consider transportation,
maybe airfare.
Did you ever think the thing
that might appeal to Leslie
-would be simple, unpretentious fun?
- No.
The only way I'm going to win Leslie
is to prove to her
I have the class and sophistication
to fit into her world.
And with your money
I think I can pull it off.
- I'll give you $20 and that's it.
-$300.
We're not negotiating. $20.
Take it or leave it.
Then it's $20. I'll get the rest
by selling my car and all my blood.
Look, I know there's no point
in my saying this,
but just try to keep this date
in perspective.
You're saying
don't expect her to marry me?
Yeah.
If she does, will you be my best man?
Yeah.
No, I'm sorry, we don't accept pets.
We do accept children, yes.
Well, I can appreciate that you think
of your pets as your children,
but we don't accept pets of any kind,
except seeing-eye dogs.
I don't believe there's any such thing
as a seeing-eye cat.
I'll tell you what,
there's a very nice kennel in town.
Well, you can call them,
but I don't think they take people.
But you can try.
You're welcome. Goodbye.
Dick, I couldn't help overhearing
that you don't allow pets.
Do my fish count?
No, George, you live here.
Besides, people don't usually travel
with their fish.
That's true. Fish tie you down.
Hey, guys.
We just found this in the basement.
What do you think?
I think that's a good place for it.
Okay, thank you.
Excuse me.
Could...
Could somebody help me?
I'm looking for the young man
that runs the cafe next door.
Isn't he there?
I looked, but the place seemed deserted.
That isn't necessarily a reason to give up.
What do you want him for?
He's my grandson.
- Kirk is your grandson?
- Yeah.
You're Kirk's grandmother?
I see I've fallen in with smart people.
Well, it's so nice to meet you.
I'm Joanna Loudon.
And this is my husband, Dick.
- Hello.
- And our caretaker, George.
- How do you do?
- And our maid, Leslie.
- Hi.
Blanche Devane.
You're welcome to wait here for Kirk.
Would you like to sit down?
Oh, thank you.
I walked all the way from the bus station.
My dogs are killing me.
- How about a cold drink?
- Oh, thank you.
Gee, I'm surprised Kirk wasn't there
if he was expecting you.
He didn't know.
I decided to just pop in on him.
I was sitting in my house,
in the living room...
- Where are you from?
- Montana.
- Whereabout?
- You know Montana?
No.
Well, to save time, let's just say Montana.
I was sitting in my house,
looking out of the window
and there was nothing out there
but Montana.
And I said, "I'm getting out of here."
You know, this is really something.
We've never met any of Kirk's relatives.
Count your blessings.
Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.
So how is Kirk?
I haven't seen him in eight, nine years.
(STUTTERING) He's fine.
You like him?
Yeah. We like him.
Well, good.
You know, Kirk never had a lot of friends
when he was a kid.
I'll be darned.
You see, he went through this phase
where he lied about everything.
And that turns everybody off.
But he just needed a lot of direction,
and ll was in no position to give it to him.
Well, you probably felt
that was his parents' job.
No. ll was in prison.
I'm sorry.
Well, it isn't really as bad as it sounds.
I was...
l was seeing this retired gentleman.
He had no way to get anyplace,
and he didn't like to depend
on other people.
So, to kind of cheer him up,
I pinched a Lincoln.
Who left me a note saying
my grandmother is here?
Your grandmother, Einstein!
- Grandma?
- Get over here. Hug me.
Oh!
- What are you doing here?
- I came to see my favorite grandson.
You came here all by yourself?
That's wonderful.
You look great.
You think so?
I've been thinking I kind of let myself go.
- Doesn't she look great?
- Absolutely.
Cut it out, now.
I really ought to have called you first,
but I thought it would be more fun
to surprise you.
I hope you haven't got any plans
for tonight.
You sure I'm not putting you off,
dropping in this way?
Are you kidding? You're my grandmother.
I love having you here.
Where are you staying?
Kirk, she's probably planning
to stay with you.
- Where do you live?
- Behind my cafe.
Um...
How much are your rooms here?
{MURMURING) They charge $35 to $55.
Um...
Why, I guess I could swing a $35.
Absolutely not! We wouldn't hear of it.
You are welcome to stay here
as our guest.
In that case, give me a $55 job.
Well, this is great.
My favorite grandma is here.
She's staying with my best friends.
I'm the happiest guy in the world.
(SIGHS HAPPILY)
Dick, could I talk to you for just a second?
What is it now, Kirk?
My grandmother came on the night
ll have a date with Leslie.
- Reschedule it.
- I can't. She's already here.
I meant reschedule the date.
You know how long I've waited for this?
The first time I had a date with Leslie,
you took her skiing and fell on her.
Now you want me to postpone this?
I'm not doing it, Dick.
I'm two hours away from
the most important night of my life.
I've gotta seize it while it's here.
Just explain to your grandmother
you have got plans for tonight
and you'll see her tomorrow.
{SCOFFS) You're saying go out there
to my grandmother,
to the woman who practically raised me,
who was the guiding light
of my childhood,
who, whenever I had a problem,
I could always talk to...
Or write to, if she was in jail.
And who always knew
what was best for me.
You're saying go out to that woman
and say, "Hey, Grandma,
"I can't be with you tonight.
"1 have a date.”
Could you say that to your grandmother?
I guess not.
Well, I'm going to say it to mine.
Grandma, can I talk to you?
You can always talk to me.
Here's the deal.
You see that girl over there?
- You mean Leslie?
- Right.
I have the same feelings for her that
you had for that Marine that one time.
No kidding.
Yeah.
The thing is,
we're doing something tonight
that I've been planning
for a long, long time.
- And the thing is...
- Yeah?
And the thing is...
And the thing is,
I'd be really happy if you'd agree to join us.
Of course I'll join you.
What else am I gonna do?
Just follow me.
Will this be all right?
Actually, that would be better.
Sure.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Thank you.
Okay. Here you go.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
If you'd like to move again,
just let me know.
Boy, I bet the food is good here.
Do you two come here often?
No, I've heard about this place,
but I've never been here before.
Well, I wanted this night to be special.
And this is just the beginning.
Wait till you see what's coming.
Kirk, I hope you haven't
planned anything too extravagant.
Too extravagant?
Time is too precious
not to live every minute to the fullest.
I just can't believe after all these months,
I finally have you all to myself.
How you doing, Grandma?
- Don't worry about me.
- Okay.
Leslie, I know there have been
a lot of times
when I've seemed like a lunatic,
you know, coming on to you and
embarrassing you in front of other people.
I guess I thought that you were so great
that I felt insecure by comparison.
Kirk, I think I understand
why you act the way you do.
You don't have to explain.
Mr. Devane, this is the wine you ordered.
- Fine.
- When did you order wine?
Well, actually I took the liberty of ordering
a special dinner in advance,
and ll selected the wine at the same time.
- Sir.
- Thank you.
(SIGHING)
How is it?
- It's fine.
- Good.
I think when you have a nice, fancy meal
like this
a little booze is the perfect accent.
Thank you.
I'd like to make a toast.
To Leslie.
May I have a lifetime
to make you as happy
as you've made me tonight.
(EXCLAIMS)
Is that a harp?
I think I'll go check on our dinner.
Remind the chef
that it's now dinner for three.
If you'll excuse me.
- I'm having a good time. How about you?
- Me, too.
You seem like a nice girl, Leslie.
You're pretty, you're bright, you're poised.
So what is it with you and Kirk?
What do you mean?
I mean, how would you define
your relationship?
We are good friends.
Friends, okay. So that means,
either you are very serious about him
and you're shy, or you don't care a fig,
and you're polite.
- I'm very fond of Kirk.
- That sounds polite.
It's not that
I don't think Kirk is really a terrific guy.
Yeah, but...
Would you marry him?
There's a difference between
liking someone and marrying him.
But it doesn't mean that
we still can't have a nice evening.
It's okay. I didn't mean to
make you feel uncomfortable.
I just brought it up
because ever since we sat down here,
I had this tremendous need
to cut through the crap.
Now that ll get the feel of things, it's fine,
and we can sit back and enjoy ourselves.
Our dinner should be out any second.
- Forget the food, let's go.
- What?
Let's go.
This whole thing is a waste of time.
- What are you talking about?
- This whole production.
The food, the wine, the harp.
You're doing it to win this girl.
This girl isn't interested in you.
I went to check on our food.
What happened?
You grandmother asked
about our relationship,
and ll said we were friends.
Friends. You hear that?
You know what that means, don't you?
That means we could've gone for tacos.
I can't believe this is happening.
I was gone for two minutes!
What difference does it make?
You've got a lot of expensive food coming.
Let's get out while we can.
Kirk, maybe it would be better
if we went home now.
What about our date?
Kirk, if you can't catch anything,
cut the bait.
Sir, your pheasant with cherries flambé
is ready.
Oh, jeez. Put it on ice. We're leaving.
-1 beg your pardon?
- No, we don't want it. Take it back.
No, we can't take it back. It's on fire.
Well, wheel it around the room
a couple of times, somebody will want it.
Come on. Let's get out of here!
- Grandma!
- Come on!
Before they charge us for the wine.
Say, Joanna, this really looks good.
Did I ever tell you that
one of my favorite meals is pork chops?
Yes, you have, George.
That's why I made them.
Yeah, my mother used to make
the best pork chops.
She bought them at this little store
in town. It's not there anymore.
Well, these came from John Mason
down the road.
You know,
he finally slaughtered that big pig of his,
so these ought to really be fresh.
They slaughtered Phil?
You... You knew the pig?
I've known Phil for years.
I used to feed him kernels of corn
every time I went by there.
Well, dig in.
I can't eat this.
- What are you talking about?
- Phil was like a friend.
I don't feel right eating him.
George, the only reason that pigs exist
is for people to eat them.
Well, I'm not eating this one.
Now that you are talking about it,
I don't think I can either.
Now I can't eat him.
(SIGHING)
- What smells so good?
- Phil.
What are you two doing back so early?
And where is Leslie?
She went up to her room to change.
What happened?
I thought you were all going out to dinner.
We didn't have dinner.
Are those pork chops?
Yes, would you like some?
ll seem to have made more than we need.
- Oh, sure. ll could eat a couple.
- Here you go.
Oh.
Sit down. Stop acting like
your whole world had come to an end.
- It has.
- It has not.
- What happened?
- My grandma stuck her nose in
where it didn't belong
and ruined the whole evening.
Give me a break.
All I did was show him
he didn't have a chance with Leslie.
I'm trying to get him to face reality.
I'm doing you a favor, you big dope.
I didn't ask you to do me a favor.
I didn't even ask you to come.
- He didn't mean that.
- Oh, sure, he did. He's mad.
I'd be mad, too. But right is right.
What else have we got here?
Are those potatoes?
Well, as long as I am not eating,
I think I'll go check on Kirk.
Kirk, I'm not sure
of all that's going on tonight.
But I mean, you know, are you okay?
You know what drives me crazy, Dick?
My grandmother is right.
She is always right.
I know now
I don't have a chance with Leslie.
People have been telling you that
for months.
I told you. Joanna told you.
Leslie told you.
Yeah, but none of you is my grandmother.
I'm not sure I follow.
Everybody has to have something to trust.
For some people it's their faith,
for other people it's their instincts.
For me it's that
rotten little car thief in the other room.
She's just always known
what's best for me.
And if she tells me I'm kidding myself
about Leslie,
then I guess it's time to admit it.
Well, I think I'll fix myself
a peanut butter sandwich.
Kirk, I know this evening didn't turn out
the way you planned. I'm sorry.
Well, except for not getting any dinner
and having my dreams shattered,
it wasn't so bad.
Maybe we can go out some other time.
I don't think so, Leslie. I'm giving you up.
Oh.
I'm admitting there's no future between us
and I'm getting on with my life.
-1 think that's good, Kirk.
- You do?
Uh-huh.
Okay, so now it's really over.
(SIGHING)
Kirk, I never said I didn't like you.
-1 always wanted to be your friend.
- Big whip! Who needs friends?
Come on, Kirk. Everybody needs friends.
Well, okay. ll guess I could use one.
If it means anything to you,
I've always been flattered
by your attention.
What are you doing?
I thought this was over.
It is.
I...
I figured I'd come out and test the waters.
If you still wanna be cross with me,
I can go upstairs.
No, it's okay.
You think I was too rough on you tonight?
I always think you are too rough on me.
- You know why ll do it, don't you?
- Yeah, because you're mean.
So how would you like
your old grandma to walk you home?
Sure.
Say, Dick and Joanna,
they're such nice people.
How long do you think I can stay here
before they start charging me?
- Hi.
Breakfast will be ready in a minute.
We were just talking
about that thunderstorm last night.
1 love thunderstorms. They're so beautiful,
and they leave everything
so fresh and clean.
Nature stinks.
- What's the matter, Kirk?
-"What's the matter?”
Did anyone notice
we had a thunderstorm last night?
Yeah, we were just saying
how much we enjoyed it.
Really? Well, thanks to the excellent
drainage and sloping landscape
of your property,
my cafe is now underwater.
Would you like some breakfast?
Well, either that
or we all could put on scuba gear
and eat over at my place.
- Can't be that bad.
- The floor is flooded.
- Flooded?
- Well, there are puddles.
- That sounds like a leaky roof to me.
- Me, too.
What are you trying to do?
Weasel out of paying damage to my cafe?
Pay? It's a leaky roof. It's not our fault.
{SCOFFS) Then lend me
the money to fix the roof.
That's not our fault either.
Okay, then let's talk about something else.
Okay, Leslie, how about you and I
going out tonight?
What time?
Why do you wanna know what time?
So I'll know when to be ready.
What is this? Some sort of a cruel joke?
You never go out with me.
Because I'm always busy.
But tonight I'm not.
So what time do you wanna go out?
(CHORTLES) I don't know.
I'm totally unprepared for this.
How about 7:00?
Fine. I'll just break the date I already have,
and I'll see you at 7:00.
If you have a date tonight,
why don't we go out tomorrow?
Fantastic.
Come on, Dick.
In your study. Come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
Kirk, why'd you drag me in here?
Leslie's finally going out with me.
This is the happiest day of my life.
I thought you'd wanna share it with me
and loan me money.
I'm not loaning you any money.
Look, I can understand
you not loaning me money for a roof.
I mean, that's gotta cost at least $1,000.
But a date, Dick.
I'm talking maybe half that.
You want $500 for a date with Leslie?
Look, this may be my only chance
to win Leslie.
How can you spend $500 on a date?
Well, first of all, there's dinner
at the finest restaurant ll can find.
I think it's a safe guess
that may be out of town.
So we have to consider transportation,
maybe airfare.
Did you ever think the thing
that might appeal to Leslie
-would be simple, unpretentious fun?
- No.
The only way I'm going to win Leslie
is to prove to her
I have the class and sophistication
to fit into her world.
And with your money
I think I can pull it off.
- I'll give you $20 and that's it.
-$300.
We're not negotiating. $20.
Take it or leave it.
Then it's $20. I'll get the rest
by selling my car and all my blood.
Look, I know there's no point
in my saying this,
but just try to keep this date
in perspective.
You're saying
don't expect her to marry me?
Yeah.
If she does, will you be my best man?
Yeah.
No, I'm sorry, we don't accept pets.
We do accept children, yes.
Well, I can appreciate that you think
of your pets as your children,
but we don't accept pets of any kind,
except seeing-eye dogs.
I don't believe there's any such thing
as a seeing-eye cat.
I'll tell you what,
there's a very nice kennel in town.
Well, you can call them,
but I don't think they take people.
But you can try.
You're welcome. Goodbye.
Dick, I couldn't help overhearing
that you don't allow pets.
Do my fish count?
No, George, you live here.
Besides, people don't usually travel
with their fish.
That's true. Fish tie you down.
Hey, guys.
We just found this in the basement.
What do you think?
I think that's a good place for it.
Okay, thank you.
Excuse me.
Could...
Could somebody help me?
I'm looking for the young man
that runs the cafe next door.
Isn't he there?
I looked, but the place seemed deserted.
That isn't necessarily a reason to give up.
What do you want him for?
He's my grandson.
- Kirk is your grandson?
- Yeah.
You're Kirk's grandmother?
I see I've fallen in with smart people.
Well, it's so nice to meet you.
I'm Joanna Loudon.
And this is my husband, Dick.
- Hello.
- And our caretaker, George.
- How do you do?
- And our maid, Leslie.
- Hi.
Blanche Devane.
You're welcome to wait here for Kirk.
Would you like to sit down?
Oh, thank you.
I walked all the way from the bus station.
My dogs are killing me.
- How about a cold drink?
- Oh, thank you.
Gee, I'm surprised Kirk wasn't there
if he was expecting you.
He didn't know.
I decided to just pop in on him.
I was sitting in my house,
in the living room...
- Where are you from?
- Montana.
- Whereabout?
- You know Montana?
No.
Well, to save time, let's just say Montana.
I was sitting in my house,
looking out of the window
and there was nothing out there
but Montana.
And I said, "I'm getting out of here."
You know, this is really something.
We've never met any of Kirk's relatives.
Count your blessings.
Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.
So how is Kirk?
I haven't seen him in eight, nine years.
(STUTTERING) He's fine.
You like him?
Yeah. We like him.
Well, good.
You know, Kirk never had a lot of friends
when he was a kid.
I'll be darned.
You see, he went through this phase
where he lied about everything.
And that turns everybody off.
But he just needed a lot of direction,
and ll was in no position to give it to him.
Well, you probably felt
that was his parents' job.
No. ll was in prison.
I'm sorry.
Well, it isn't really as bad as it sounds.
I was...
l was seeing this retired gentleman.
He had no way to get anyplace,
and he didn't like to depend
on other people.
So, to kind of cheer him up,
I pinched a Lincoln.
Who left me a note saying
my grandmother is here?
Your grandmother, Einstein!
- Grandma?
- Get over here. Hug me.
Oh!
- What are you doing here?
- I came to see my favorite grandson.
You came here all by yourself?
That's wonderful.
You look great.
You think so?
I've been thinking I kind of let myself go.
- Doesn't she look great?
- Absolutely.
Cut it out, now.
I really ought to have called you first,
but I thought it would be more fun
to surprise you.
I hope you haven't got any plans
for tonight.
You sure I'm not putting you off,
dropping in this way?
Are you kidding? You're my grandmother.
I love having you here.
Where are you staying?
Kirk, she's probably planning
to stay with you.
- Where do you live?
- Behind my cafe.
Um...
How much are your rooms here?
{MURMURING) They charge $35 to $55.
Um...
Why, I guess I could swing a $35.
Absolutely not! We wouldn't hear of it.
You are welcome to stay here
as our guest.
In that case, give me a $55 job.
Well, this is great.
My favorite grandma is here.
She's staying with my best friends.
I'm the happiest guy in the world.
(SIGHS HAPPILY)
Dick, could I talk to you for just a second?
What is it now, Kirk?
My grandmother came on the night
ll have a date with Leslie.
- Reschedule it.
- I can't. She's already here.
I meant reschedule the date.
You know how long I've waited for this?
The first time I had a date with Leslie,
you took her skiing and fell on her.
Now you want me to postpone this?
I'm not doing it, Dick.
I'm two hours away from
the most important night of my life.
I've gotta seize it while it's here.
Just explain to your grandmother
you have got plans for tonight
and you'll see her tomorrow.
{SCOFFS) You're saying go out there
to my grandmother,
to the woman who practically raised me,
who was the guiding light
of my childhood,
who, whenever I had a problem,
I could always talk to...
Or write to, if she was in jail.
And who always knew
what was best for me.
You're saying go out to that woman
and say, "Hey, Grandma,
"I can't be with you tonight.
"1 have a date.”
Could you say that to your grandmother?
I guess not.
Well, I'm going to say it to mine.
Grandma, can I talk to you?
You can always talk to me.
Here's the deal.
You see that girl over there?
- You mean Leslie?
- Right.
I have the same feelings for her that
you had for that Marine that one time.
No kidding.
Yeah.
The thing is,
we're doing something tonight
that I've been planning
for a long, long time.
- And the thing is...
- Yeah?
And the thing is...
And the thing is,
I'd be really happy if you'd agree to join us.
Of course I'll join you.
What else am I gonna do?
Just follow me.
Will this be all right?
Actually, that would be better.
Sure.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Thank you.
Okay. Here you go.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
If you'd like to move again,
just let me know.
Boy, I bet the food is good here.
Do you two come here often?
No, I've heard about this place,
but I've never been here before.
Well, I wanted this night to be special.
And this is just the beginning.
Wait till you see what's coming.
Kirk, I hope you haven't
planned anything too extravagant.
Too extravagant?
Time is too precious
not to live every minute to the fullest.
I just can't believe after all these months,
I finally have you all to myself.
How you doing, Grandma?
- Don't worry about me.
- Okay.
Leslie, I know there have been
a lot of times
when I've seemed like a lunatic,
you know, coming on to you and
embarrassing you in front of other people.
I guess I thought that you were so great
that I felt insecure by comparison.
Kirk, I think I understand
why you act the way you do.
You don't have to explain.
Mr. Devane, this is the wine you ordered.
- Fine.
- When did you order wine?
Well, actually I took the liberty of ordering
a special dinner in advance,
and ll selected the wine at the same time.
- Sir.
- Thank you.
(SIGHING)
How is it?
- It's fine.
- Good.
I think when you have a nice, fancy meal
like this
a little booze is the perfect accent.
Thank you.
I'd like to make a toast.
To Leslie.
May I have a lifetime
to make you as happy
as you've made me tonight.
(EXCLAIMS)
Is that a harp?
I think I'll go check on our dinner.
Remind the chef
that it's now dinner for three.
If you'll excuse me.
- I'm having a good time. How about you?
- Me, too.
You seem like a nice girl, Leslie.
You're pretty, you're bright, you're poised.
So what is it with you and Kirk?
What do you mean?
I mean, how would you define
your relationship?
We are good friends.
Friends, okay. So that means,
either you are very serious about him
and you're shy, or you don't care a fig,
and you're polite.
- I'm very fond of Kirk.
- That sounds polite.
It's not that
I don't think Kirk is really a terrific guy.
Yeah, but...
Would you marry him?
There's a difference between
liking someone and marrying him.
But it doesn't mean that
we still can't have a nice evening.
It's okay. I didn't mean to
make you feel uncomfortable.
I just brought it up
because ever since we sat down here,
I had this tremendous need
to cut through the crap.
Now that ll get the feel of things, it's fine,
and we can sit back and enjoy ourselves.
Our dinner should be out any second.
- Forget the food, let's go.
- What?
Let's go.
This whole thing is a waste of time.
- What are you talking about?
- This whole production.
The food, the wine, the harp.
You're doing it to win this girl.
This girl isn't interested in you.
I went to check on our food.
What happened?
You grandmother asked
about our relationship,
and ll said we were friends.
Friends. You hear that?
You know what that means, don't you?
That means we could've gone for tacos.
I can't believe this is happening.
I was gone for two minutes!
What difference does it make?
You've got a lot of expensive food coming.
Let's get out while we can.
Kirk, maybe it would be better
if we went home now.
What about our date?
Kirk, if you can't catch anything,
cut the bait.
Sir, your pheasant with cherries flambé
is ready.
Oh, jeez. Put it on ice. We're leaving.
-1 beg your pardon?
- No, we don't want it. Take it back.
No, we can't take it back. It's on fire.
Well, wheel it around the room
a couple of times, somebody will want it.
Come on. Let's get out of here!
- Grandma!
- Come on!
Before they charge us for the wine.
Say, Joanna, this really looks good.
Did I ever tell you that
one of my favorite meals is pork chops?
Yes, you have, George.
That's why I made them.
Yeah, my mother used to make
the best pork chops.
She bought them at this little store
in town. It's not there anymore.
Well, these came from John Mason
down the road.
You know,
he finally slaughtered that big pig of his,
so these ought to really be fresh.
They slaughtered Phil?
You... You knew the pig?
I've known Phil for years.
I used to feed him kernels of corn
every time I went by there.
Well, dig in.
I can't eat this.
- What are you talking about?
- Phil was like a friend.
I don't feel right eating him.
George, the only reason that pigs exist
is for people to eat them.
Well, I'm not eating this one.
Now that you are talking about it,
I don't think I can either.
Now I can't eat him.
(SIGHING)
- What smells so good?
- Phil.
What are you two doing back so early?
And where is Leslie?
She went up to her room to change.
What happened?
I thought you were all going out to dinner.
We didn't have dinner.
Are those pork chops?
Yes, would you like some?
ll seem to have made more than we need.
- Oh, sure. ll could eat a couple.
- Here you go.
Oh.
Sit down. Stop acting like
your whole world had come to an end.
- It has.
- It has not.
- What happened?
- My grandma stuck her nose in
where it didn't belong
and ruined the whole evening.
Give me a break.
All I did was show him
he didn't have a chance with Leslie.
I'm trying to get him to face reality.
I'm doing you a favor, you big dope.
I didn't ask you to do me a favor.
I didn't even ask you to come.
- He didn't mean that.
- Oh, sure, he did. He's mad.
I'd be mad, too. But right is right.
What else have we got here?
Are those potatoes?
Well, as long as I am not eating,
I think I'll go check on Kirk.
Kirk, I'm not sure
of all that's going on tonight.
But I mean, you know, are you okay?
You know what drives me crazy, Dick?
My grandmother is right.
She is always right.
I know now
I don't have a chance with Leslie.
People have been telling you that
for months.
I told you. Joanna told you.
Leslie told you.
Yeah, but none of you is my grandmother.
I'm not sure I follow.
Everybody has to have something to trust.
For some people it's their faith,
for other people it's their instincts.
For me it's that
rotten little car thief in the other room.
She's just always known
what's best for me.
And if she tells me I'm kidding myself
about Leslie,
then I guess it's time to admit it.
Well, I think I'll fix myself
a peanut butter sandwich.
Kirk, I know this evening didn't turn out
the way you planned. I'm sorry.
Well, except for not getting any dinner
and having my dreams shattered,
it wasn't so bad.
Maybe we can go out some other time.
I don't think so, Leslie. I'm giving you up.
Oh.
I'm admitting there's no future between us
and I'm getting on with my life.
-1 think that's good, Kirk.
- You do?
Uh-huh.
Okay, so now it's really over.
(SIGHING)
Kirk, I never said I didn't like you.
-1 always wanted to be your friend.
- Big whip! Who needs friends?
Come on, Kirk. Everybody needs friends.
Well, okay. ll guess I could use one.
If it means anything to you,
I've always been flattered
by your attention.
What are you doing?
I thought this was over.
It is.
I...
I figured I'd come out and test the waters.
If you still wanna be cross with me,
I can go upstairs.
No, it's okay.
You think I was too rough on you tonight?
I always think you are too rough on me.
- You know why ll do it, don't you?
- Yeah, because you're mean.
So how would you like
your old grandma to walk you home?
Sure.
Say, Dick and Joanna,
they're such nice people.
How long do you think I can stay here
before they start charging me?