Newhart (1982–1990): Season 1, Episode 20 - You're Homebody 'til Somebody Loves You - full transcript

Come on. Baby needs a new hotel.

I love games. I have a philosophy.
It's not whether you win or lose,

it's just important to have
as much fun as you can.

Yeah? My philosophy is win or die. So,

give me Marvin Gardens.

Would you mind watching the desk
for a minute?

Where's Dick and Joanna?

In Dick's study being interviewed
for the Sunday magazine.

Why?

Because the Sunday magazine interviews
interesting people in town.

And they think that Dick and Joanna
are interesting people.



- They never interviewed me.
- Maybe they don't think you're interesting.

Well, then I hate them.

Well, I'm gonna serve them some coffee.

Would you mind taking care of the desk
in case anybody comes in?

Sure. All right.

- Excuse me, could someone help us?
- Yeah, she"ll be back in a second.

I would have to say I don't think
either of us have ever been happier.

I agree with Dick. The move to Vermont
was the best thing we ever did.

And you should know Leslie Vanderkellen.

This is Mrs. Vosford
from The Weekly Horn.

- Hello.
- Hello. What do you do, Leslie?

Well, I work part-time for the Loudons
as a maid,

and I'm also studying at Dartmouth

for my Masters degree
in Renaissance Theology.



In her spare time, she's training to become

a member of
the United States Olympic ski team.

And if that isn't enough,
she makes a heck of a cup of coffee.

Well, that's impressive.

Thank you.
Let me know if you need anything.

- Nice meeting you.
- Thank you, Leslie.

- All that and she's pretty, too.
- Yes, Leslie's amazing.

No, Leslie's perfect.

Well, let's get back to you two.

What do you like most about each other?
Mrs. Loudon?

I don't know where to begin.
Dick is so wonderful.

He's kind and generous, fair, dedicated.

He's handsome, creative and industrious,

and well, just about the best all-round guy
in the world.

(CHUCKLES)

You just did better than Leslie.

What do you like best about your wife?

Oh, that's easy. I would say
that Joanna is a terrific homebody.

I left out that he has
a great sense of humor.

- Why, did I say something funny?
- You said I was a homebody.

No, I said you were a terrific homebody.

Darling, that sounds like
I'm somebody who's always home.

- You are.
- Well, I may be home, but I'm always busy.

Well, then I guess I should have called you
a busybody.

- Dick!
- No, really. ll love it that you're satisfied,

you know, being around the house
with no responsibilities.

What do you mean?

Well, I didn't mean no responsibilities

but all your responsibilities are here
at the inn and not out in the real world.

Sweetheart, I don't think
that's right either.

Joanna, what do you want me to say?

Well, I'd like you to make it clear
to Mrs. Vosford

that ll don't sit around all day and knit.

I see. I'm sorry. I think I can explain.

Well, in the first place,
Joanna doesn't know how to knit.

You don't really sew either, do you?

No. And thank you so much
for clearing that up.

Mrs. Loudon,
why don't you tell me what you do?

No, really, I'm much more interested
in what Dick has to say.

She's teasing now.
That's another quality I love about Joanna.

- She's a great teaser.
- I'm not teasing.

She is teasing now.

Dick, quit stalling.
Tell Mrs. Vosford what you think I do.

Well, I don't know exactly what you do.
I mean, how could I? I'm always working.

(LAUGHING)

And I'm not?

Mrs. Loudon, for what it's worth,
I'm on your side.

I used to be home. ll know what it's like.

I admire any woman
who chooses to stay there.

- That task is awesome.
- Thank you, Mrs. Vosford.

In fact, I think you deserve an award.
Personally, it drove me up the wall.

The tedium, the endless days.

I mean, how many soap operas
can a person watch?

I don't watch soap operas.

I know.
I didn't admit watching them either.

And the point is, I recognize your value.
It takes a special kind of...

What? Metabolism to do what you do.

You mean a slower metabolism?

- Joanna.
- Like say, a snake?

Honey, nobody said anything
about snakes.

No, I think that's accurate, Dick.
You know how slow my metabolism is.

I only eat twice a year.

Every March I swallow a roast
and then I'm good until fall.

- I'm sorry, have I touched a nerve?
- No, not at all.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I think I'll go out and lie on a rock.

You gotta watch her.
She'll tease your pants off.

- George?
- Yeah, Dick.

- What are you doing?
- I'm making faces in my plate.

That's what I thought.

Why do you ask?

(SPUTTERING)

No reason.

So how did that interview you had
go today?

It went fine.

Joanna, I hate to ask you this,
but do we have any gravy?

Do I sense a little tension in the air?

- Everything is fine, George.
- Oh, good.

You have your choice of gravies, dear.
Beef, turkey or giblet.

- Would you like some gravy, George?
- No.

You know, Joanna,
you can't stay mad at me forever.

You're probably right,
but let's wait and see.

What was so terrible about what ll said?

What was so terrible about what you said?

- What did you say?
- Nothing, George.

- Dick called me a homebody.
- That's terrible.

- No, it isn't.
- Then why aren't we having gravy?

He also said he doesn't know
what ll do all day.

- Well, I know you do things.
- Things?

Let me tell you what I do.
I run this inn, for one thing,

I make breakfast every morning
for at least a dozen people,

I check guests in and out.
With Leslie's help, I dust, I clean, I iron.

I also do the bookkeeping, I polish,
I restore, I refinish.

Those are the kind of things
I meant by "things."

You know, I think I just realized
why we bought this inn.

We bought it
so I could kill myself working,

and you could walk through it everyday
and say, "I love this inn."

I'd love some more meat.

What ll was trying to say today
is ll don't notice what you do

because people who are great
at what they do,

always make it look so easy.

I don't know, maybe I'm just mad
because I'm sensitive about it.

I've always had other interests,
at least till we moved here.

Maybe deep down, I don't think
what I'm doing is important enough.

Well, what do you wanna do?

(SIGHS)

- Maybe I could go back to school.
- I think that's a terrific idea.

I'm too old.

- That's true.
- I am not!

It's always been one of the regrets
of my life that I never got my degree.

- I came so close.
- What happened?

I met Dick.

(SOFTLY) Oh.

We were both working
at the same ad agency in New York.

He was a copywriter and I was going to
NYU and working part-time as a secretary.

When we got married,
Dick quit his job to write,

and I quit school
so I could work full-time to support us.

Not that I would've had it any other way.

Honey, if you wanna go back to school

or work outside the house,
I mean, that's fine with me.

But you don't have to do those things
to prove your worth to me.

I've always thought of you as a bright,
capable person

who I've considered an equal
and someone I could count on.

- Really?
- Absolutely.

(SIGHING)

That's sweet.

Now would you make us some gravy?

There's a moral here, Dick.

Keep your mouth shut.

That's it.

You certainly look nice
for your job interview.

Thank you.

I think it's important to make
a good first impression.

I think so, too.

Then I'd get whatever that is
off your tooth.

Oh, no.

I wonder how long
I've been walking around like this.

Oh, probably since you left your house
this morning.

- Mrs. Loudon?
- Yes.

Hey, Roy Herzog.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice meeting you.

- Well, you all set?
-1 think so.

- Okay, come on in.
- Okay.

Have a seat there, make yourself...
Listen, you don't mind if I have lunch

-while we talk, do you?
- No, of course not. Go ahead.

I hate doing this in front of you,
but it's been one of those days.

Stuff's piling up, I'm short a person.

(PHONE RINGING)

Telephone's ringing.

I have to interview people.
I mean, I'm really swamped. Oh, darn it.

- What's the matter?
- Cheese. Cheese. I hate cheese.

My wife knows I hate cheese. It seems
like after you've been married for a...

- I'm sorry. Where was I?
- You were saying you're really swamped.

Yeah, well, you know how it is,
everybody wants to be a travel agent.

- I'm sure you have to be very selective.
- Yeah, well, we're a small office.

We get a lot of repeat business.
What in the hell is this?

- Do you know what that is?
- Well, I'm not sure, but it smells good.

Yeah? Well, then you take it.
So where was I?

You were saying it's a small office,
you get a lot of repeat business.

Oh, right. You know, this really, really
a great business and I'll tell you why.

You're fulfilling people's dreams.
Making them realize their fantasies

by booking them to exotic lands
in faraway places.

What's the bus fare to Dayton?

It's in your files.
Listen, could you get me a cup of coffee

-and a sandwich or something?
- Sure.

Well, Mr. Herzog,
the job certainly sounds exciting.

- It does?
- Yes.

- Well, then can I be honest with you?
- By all means.

- You know, you've got a lot going for you.
- Thank you.

I mean, you're bright, you're pretty.
You're printing is real good.

Boy, I'll tell you,
you'd make one heck of a travel agent.

- Well, I'd certainly do my best.
- But I'm not going to give you the job.

- Why not?
- Well, you haven't worked in several years.

You don't need the money.
And I'm afraid this is just a whim.

A whim? Mr. Herzog, I would never come
looking for a job on a whim.

- You wouldn't?
- No.

I'm not some young girl,
fresh out of school, trying to find herself.

I'm a mature woman. And whether or not
my husband is able to support me

doesn't diminish my desire or capacity
or right to work.

Boy, that's a real good argument.

I bet you'd be terrific here.
I bet you'd catch on fast.

I bet you'd get to work every day on time.
It's just that I know you're gonna quit

-in two weeks.
- I'm not gonna quit in two weeks.

- You're not?
- No!

Mr. Herzog,
I've always been interested in travel,

and I'm not just saying that because
you were the only ad in the paper.

Okay, let me think.

You're gonna need a lot of training.
It'll take a lot of supervision at first.

It's gonna take a lot of my time.

So how soon could you quit
and not make me crazy?

Mr. Herzog, I'm not gonna quit.
You have my word.

I don't know what else I can say
to make you believe me.

- Okay, what the heck, you got the job.
-1 do?

You knew that. You knew that
the minute you came in here.

-1 didn't.
- Yes, you did, you charmer, you.

Come on,
let me introduce you to everybody.

Mr. Herzog,
I'm so thrilled, I don't know what to say.

You're not thrilled. You knew.

Betty, Frank, I want you to meet
your new co-worker.

- She got the job?
- Come on, you knew I was gonna hire her.

- Congratulations.
- Oh, thank you. ll can't wait to get started.

Well, neither can we.
Now, that'll be your desk, right here.

Betty, I want you to set her up
with everything.

Get her some of those business cards
and a calendar, and... What's that?

- A staple remover.
- Get her one of those.

I want her desk all set up and ready for
business, first thing tomorrow morning.

- What if your husband gets sick?
- Then I quit.

-1 knew that.
- But otherwise, I'm here.

- Okay. It's a deal.
- Well, I'll see you tomorrow at 8:00.

We don't start until 10:00.

Then I'll take those two hours
and memorize the globe.

{(MOUTHING)

Get me one of those.

All right.
This game, I'm gonna be the racecar.

- I'm the top hat.
- Okay.

- What's the matter, George?
- I'm always the racecar.

- That's silly. Come on, let's get going.
- Well, if it's silly, let him be the car.

Never.

- I'm not going to play.
- Good. It's just you and me, Leslie.

The way it should always be.

I'm not playing
unless you give George the racecar.

- Why can't the man be an iron or a shoe?
- Because I'm always the racecar.

{SIGHS) Look, why don't you both be
something else? What's the big deal?

- All right. I'll be the top hat.
- No way.

Look, okay, come on.
Look, I'll be the Scotty. Okay?

- Let's just get on with the game.
- Hi, everybody.

- Okay, you got the dice, you go first.
- Guess what? I got a job.

Three. One, two, three.
Baltic Avenue, 60 bucks. I'll buy it.

Well, I've told you. Guess I'll tell Dick.

Dick? Oh, sorry,
I didn't know you were busy.

Yeah.

I have something to tell you,
but it can wait.

Great.

- Okay, that's enough waiting.
- What are you doing?

Dick, you won't believe what I did
this morning.

I don't believe what you did just now.

- Dick, I've got a job.
- You're kidding.

No. You are looking at a woman
who from now on, can take you

to any city in the world, any time
you wanna go, for practically nothing.

You got a job as a pilot?

- No, Dick. I'm a travel agent.
- Great. Congratulations.

- You're surprised, aren't you?
- No.

- You're a little surprised.
- No.

Well, no matter how surprised you are,

apparently there are some people
out there in the real world

who don't think
I'm such a hopeless homebody, after all.

Joanna, calling you a homebody
was stupid.

- No, it wasn't.
- Well, it was thoughtless.

It may have been the biggest favor
you ever did for me.

Okay, it was brilliant.

Don't you see? If you hadn't called me
a homebody, I'd never have taken this job.

Now, thanks to you, I'm gonna be working
with interesting people,

doing stimulating things,
getting paid for it.

I don't have to be here all the time
doing all those routine things

like bookkeeping, taking reservations,

and talking with the guests,

listening to the sound of you typing,

knowing you're in the next room
if I ever wanna talk.

Taking long walks with you
on the spur of the moment.

And you know, just generally doing
all those things that I love to do.

Dick.

- Oh, honey.
- I'm such a dope.

- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am, for listening to you.

Oh.

I mean, for listening to you
and not listening to myself.

Darn it! I like what I do here.
I like taking care of this place and you,

and the guests. I like my life the way it is.

Are you saying
you like being a homebody?

-1 hate that word.
- You're right. It's a disgusting word.

Don't you understand?
When you call me a homebody,

it means you think I'm somebody
who doesn't wanna do anything.

No, it doesn't.
When I call you a homebody,

it means somebody who does a lot.
It's just that you do it at home.

Somebody who doesn't do anything
at home is called a sloth.

Welcome home.

(SIGHS)

Nice to be back.

Oh.

Now, first thing in the morning,
you call the travel agency

-and you tell them you changed your mind.
- Oh, God.

- Now what's the matter?
- You don't understand.

I practically begged Mr. Herzog
for that job.

He didn't want to hire me
because he said I'd quit in two weeks.

Well, he's wrong.
You're gonna quit before you even start.

It's not funny, Dick.
This is exactly what he said would happen.

He even accused me of being there
on a whim. Can you imagine that?

I have to be careful how I answer this.

Well, there's just one thing ll can do.
I'm gonna have to hold my head up high,

march into his office tomorrow morning

and make an utter fool of myself.

Honey,

I know you can do it.

Dick, I feel funny about this.
Maybe you should just wait in the car.

Look, Joanna,
this is as much my fault as it is yours.

I think we should face it together.

- Good morning.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- I'd like you all to meet my husband, Dick.

- Honey, this is Betty and Frank.
- Hi.

Hi.

Did you come down to watch the first day?

Well, ll came down
to watch the beginning of it.

Dick, look.

Joanna, a name plaque is no reason
to take a job you don't want.

Morning!

- That's him.
- All right, remember, be strong.

- And I'll be right here.
- Okay.

- Well, well, well.
- Hello, Mr. Herzog.

- I'd like you to meet my husband, Dick.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- We're sure impressed with Joanna.

We're looking forward
to having her here.

Well, I know she's looking forward
to being here.

Mr. Herzog, could I speak to you privately
for a moment?

Certainly. My office or yours?

Come on in.

Have a seat.

I'll tell you one thing,
you sure do look pretty today.

- You're quitting, aren't you?
- Oh, no! No. No.

Then what did you want
to talk to me about?

- Well, the job and not taking it.
- You're quitting.

- I'm not quitting. I'm not starting.
-1 knew it! I knew it!

I knew it! I knew it!
Darn! Darn! Darn! Darn!

- Don't be upset.
- Rats! Big stupid rats!

I know how this must look.

Rats!

I really do appreciate you
giving me this job.

- Yeah, well, thanks a lot for coming in.
- It's just that things have changed

since yesterday.
Oh, God, I feel like such an idiot.

You are an idiot!

I can understand your being angry
and I don't blame you.

I just wish there was some way
I could show you how sorry I am.

How about hanging yourself?

- Do you have cats?
- No.

Are you sure?

- Are you all right?
- That's all right. I'm sorry I got like that.

That's okay.

You made a mistake, you're human.
We're all human.

Thank you for being understanding.
I just don't know what to do.

Just say we'll be friends.

- Say it!
- We'll be friends.

Now get out.

There you are.

- How'd it go?
- Let's just say it's over.

- What do you mean?
- I won't be taking the job, after all.

Oh, no, really? What a disappointment.

You owe me 10 bucks.

- Let's go.
- Joanna!

- I'm sorry the way I acted in there.
- That's okay.

I really feel terrible about it.
I just want you both to know,

if you ever wanna take a trip,
any place at all, just give us a call.

- We'll set you up real nice.
- Well, that's really sweet. Thanks.

If they call,
send them some place with bats.