Newhart (1982–1990): Season 1, Episode 9 - No Room at the Inn - full transcript

- This is gonna be a great Christmas.
-1 know.

Dick and I have been dreaming
about a Christmas in Vermont for years.

There's just something about it
that seems warm and old-fashioned,

just like Christmas should be.

KIRK: I made a Christmas wish today
Let me find a chick in Santa's sleigh

Hey! I've really got the spirit this year.

Up until now, so have we.

Are those Christmas cookies I smell?

Well, those haven't been baked yet.

They don't need to be.
They're delicious just the way they are.

Kirk, wouldn't you like to spit that out?



Spit what out?

- You haven't swallowed the cookie.
- Sure ll have, and I loved it.

Would you excuse me for one minute?
I just have to sneeze.

(FAKE SNEEZING)

So, can ll count on all of us being together
for Christmas tomorrow?

Sure.

Should we all cram into the Minuteman
for burgers,

or should I just come over here?

Why don't you just come over here?

You know, this is gonna be
the best Christmas I've ever had.

- Me, too. I'm going home.
- What?

- I'm going home.
- You're going home?

- Yeah.
- What for?

- To be with my family.
- But this is Christmas.



Kirk, Christmas is traditionally a time

when people want to be
with their families.

- I don't. I want to be with Leslie.
- Christmas is a big deal with my family.

-1 really have to go home.
- I'm going with you.

- It's just family.
- I'll wait in the car.

- I'm flying.
- I'll wait in the plane.

- Kirk, we"ll have a lovely Christmas here.
-1 won't.

Yes, you will. We'll have baked ham.
We'll roast chestnuts.

We'll do all the things
that make Christmas special.

Fine. But I'm gonna be drunk.

- Well, we're off to get the tree.
- JOANNA: Isn't this exciting?

We're gonna have our own
fresh-cut Christmas tree.

George, I bet you know
the best place to get one.

Well, the best place is Guy's Market,

but Dick has this thing
about cutting down his own.

Well, it's just something
I've always wanted to do.

You know, we'll hike out in the woods.
We'll smell the pine, breathe the fresh air.

I mean, this is the way
people used to celebrate Christmas.

That was before they built Guy's.

Well, let's go.
Kirk, you gonna go with us?

Sure, if you don't mind stopping
on the way

for some cheap wine
and a carton of cigarettes.

- You don't smoke.
-1 do now.

I take it you broke the news
about going home.

Yeah.

Oh, honey, Mrs. Thomas called,
and she confirmed all 24 members

of the Silver Bird Ski Club
for this afternoon.

So we're gonna have a full house
for Christmas.

Great. Sounds like everything's
working out perfectly.

Oh, I almost forgot.
Your mother's fruitcake arrived.

- You throw it out?
- Yeah.

Good. Well, we'll see you later.

Well...

Christmas is really stupid.

-1 think that does it.
- Joanna is gonna love this tree.

You know, every year in New York
she used to go crazy

decorating our apartment.

I just can't wait to see
what she does with this.

- Good grief.
- Oh, there you are.

- What do you think of it?
- Dick, that's a whole tree.

- Isn't it everything you ever dreamed of?
- It's twice anything I ever dreamed of.

Honey, why'd you have to cut down
such a big one?

- We didn't cut this down.
- Then where did you get it?

Guy's.

Dick, I don't have enough decorations
for that tree.

Honey, you'll do a great job.

I mean, you always did
with our trees in New York.

Our trees in New York
were two and a half feet high

and sat on top of a television set.

This tree looks like
it should be in Rockefeller Center.

Yeah, it's a beaut, isn't it?

- So, who's gonna take me to the airport?
-1 will.

We'd better take the truck.

The roads could be bad,
the way it's snowing out there.

Wow! Your tree looks great.

But, Joanna,
it's gonna take you forever to decorate it.

No. With what I've got,
it should take me about five minutes.

- Well, I guess this is goodbye.
- We're gonna miss you.

- But you have a wonderful time.
- Thanks. I will.

- Merry Christmas, Dick.
- Same to you.

Kirk?

Yeah?

I'm going home now.

I know.

- Merry Christmas.
- Please let me go home with you.

Don't leave me here with them.

- I'm ready, George.
- Okay.

Wow, it's cold. Hi.

MAN: Merry Christmas.
JOANNA: Merry Christmas to you.

Boy, is it great to be inside.

It's snowing so bad
you can hardly see out there.

But all this fresh powder
should be great for skiing.

- Assuming it stops.
- Oh, don't say that. It's got to stop.

- It's the whole reason we're here.
- You must be the Silver Birds.

Yeah, the rest of us are outside
unloading the bus.

Well, hi, everybody. I'm Joanna Loudon.
This is my husband, Dick.

- It's so nice to have all of you here.
- It's nice to be here.

We didn't think we'd make it.
They're closing the roads.

Oh, George, we'd better hurry
if we're gonna get to the airport.

You'd better call first.
It's turning into a blizzard out there.

I'm not sure any planes
are gonna be leaving.

What?

- Oh, no. What if I can't get home?
- Then I'd say praying works.

Let's not panic yet.

Dick, why don't you
check in the Silver Birds?

I'll call the airport. Come on, Leslie,
we'll use the phone in the study.

Say, it would be a shame if all this snow
keeps Leslie from getting home.

Oh, I didn't realize the airport was closed.
Well, when do you think it'll reopen?

Of course, when it stops snowing, yes.
I mean, do you know when that will be?

Oh, I see.

- Are you two together?
- We can be.

No, we can't.

Well, why don't you take room five
and you take room...

- Six?
- Eleven.

- What's the word?
- I'm stuck. The airport's closed.

- I'm not going home for Christmas.
- Joy to the world! Let me grab your bags.

Look out. Gangway. Leslie can't go home.
Look out. Gangway. Leslie can't go home.

Look out. Gangway...

Well, that didn't take long.

- This is awful.
- No, it isn't awful.

It'll look better with the lights on.

All right, I'm gonna turn off the lights
in the lobby.

George, you plug in the tree lights
on the count of three.

This is gonna be beautiful.

One, two, three.

DICK: Are you sure those are
all the decorations you have?

Maybe popcorn would help.

It might.
Everything looks better on a full stomach.

George, she meant to string on the tree.

We're never gonna ski.

We're gonna sit on our duffs
this whole vacation.

No, you won't.
I'm sure the snow will let up

and you'll be able to ski.

- How do you know that?
-1 don't.

I just made that up.

But, I mean, it's Christmas Eve.
I think we ought to think positive.

Well, I just told my parents
I'm not coming home for Christmas.

This is just turning into
a terrible Christmas.

No, itisn't.

It is if you want to ski.

All right, look, maybe things
haven't turned out

as perfectly as we wanted them, but...

I mean, maybe we don't have enough
decorations to go on the tree,

and maybe Leslie isn't gonna get home,
and maybe the ski club won't go skiing,

but, I mean, it's still Christmas Eve.

This is still New England
and we're still together.

I don't even have a place to stay.
You rented my room.

Leslie, you're welcome to stay at my place
and if that makes you feel uncomfortable,

we can get married.

(SIGHS)

Kirk, we'll find her a room.

I just can't believe I'm not gonna be
with my family for Christmas.

Leslie, look, I know how you feel,
but I'm not gonna see my family

-and George isn't gonna see his family.
- Well, ll don't have a family.

- You must have some family.
- No.

- No parents? Brothers? Sisters?
- No.

- No aunts? Uncles? Cousins?
- No.

You mean you're all alone in the world?

I'm all alone in the world.

George, I'm sorry.

I can't believe it.
I'm all alone in the world.

Good, Joanna.
Now they're both depressed.

I just thought of something else.

If the airport's closed, that means
your parents can't get in either.

You're really on a roll, you know that?

This is a terrible Christmas.

Hey, look, everybody, quit saying that.
This could be a great Christmas.

It would take a miracle
to make this a great Christmas.

Boy, it's cold out there.

Can ll help you?

My wife and I were trying to get home,
but all the roads are blocked.

Is there any chance you could put us up?

I'm sorry, we're overbooked as it is.

He could stay with me.
I'm all alone in the world.

I mean, if I had something,
I'd give it to you, but...

I mean, it's Christmas Eve
and there's no room at the inn.

What did they say, Joe?
Can they put us up?

You're pregnant.

I know.

Let me get this straight.
This is Christmas Eve and

you show up with a pregnant wife
and there's no room at the inn.

You know, I thought about that, too.
It's kind of close, isn't it?

But she's not due for two weeks.

- Listen, you'll take our room.
- You're kidding.

- No, that's a wonderful idea.
- We wouldn't want to put you out.

On behalf of innkeepers everywhere,
I think we owe you one.

Leslie, why don't you show them
where our room is?

- We really appreciate this.
- Yeah, really. Thanks a lot.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Thanks.

- Is this your first baby?
- Yes.

Any names picked out?

Well, if it's a boy, Abraham or Isaiah.

If it's a girl, Tammy.

Listen, Dick, if you and Joanna need
a place to stay...

We know, George.

I just heard on the radio
they closed all the ski lifts for tomorrow.

(ALL GROANING)

Well, that's it!
You can throw this Christmas in the trash.

You know, I don't believe our luck!

We're sorry.

Joanna, you don't have to apologize.
I'm sure they're not blaming us.

Hey, just because we're snowed in
doesn't mean we still can't have fun.

I don't know.
I don't even have a TV in my room.

There's no TV in any of the rooms.

You think this Christmas is bad?

Picture growing up in an orphanage
in Nova Scotia.

You grew up in an orphanage
in Nova Scotia?

I didn't say that. I said picture it.

Anyway, I know a guaranteed spirit-lifter.

Let's have a tree-trimming party!

We don't have anything
to trim a tree with.

I'm surprised you even have a tree.

Probably grew there.

I have souvenirs over at the cafe.
We can use those.

You have Kewpie dolls
and rubber alligators.

I mean, it's all junk.

Fine, Dick.
You're the one with 24 angry guests.

All right, get your junk.

- I'm hungry.
- Yeah, me, too.

What time is dinner?

{STUTTERING) We don't serve dinner.

Actually, what ll mean to say...
We almost never serve dinner

but, ll mean, since it is Christmas Eve and
since you're all being such good sports,

I'm sure we can whip something up.

Dick, could I see you
in the dining room, please?

What do you know?
They have a dining room.

Dick, I don't have enough dinner
for 24 people.

All I have is what we were going to have.

My Christmas ham?

I guess I could make ham omelets.

Not with my ham.

I could dice it.

Not my ham, you couldn't.

Honey, they're our guests.
We can't just give them eggs.

Joanna, baked ham on Christmas Eve
is my favorite meal of the entire year.

But what about those people out there?

It's Christmas.
I don't care about the people out there.

Well, I just got the pregnant couple
settled in your room.

They were wondering
if there was anything to eat.

Dice my ham.

Leslie, you start setting tables.

Honey, you better try calling
your parents again.

- All right.
- I'll go in the kitchen

and start cracking seven dozen eggs.

I think I'll scramble them in the sink.

Dinner will be ready soon.
Just relax and do whatever you like.

(SLOW CHRISTMAS CAROL
PLAYING ON RADIO)

George?

What are you doing here?

(MUSIC STOPS)

I wanted to be alone.

George, I know you're feeling bad
because you don't have any family,

but I don't want you to think,
you know, that you're alone.

I'm not?

Well, you know,
a lot of people don't have family, but...

I mean, the main thing is, even though
you don't have blood relatives,

you know, you still have us.

That's true.

And just think of us as your family.

Do you think of me as your family?

Sure.

Do you love me?

You're a nice guy.

Gee, Dick, thanks.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to call my parents.

Don't you mean our parents?

I can't believe I'm going to spend
three days in this godforsaken place

with nothing to do.

There must be something to do.

Haven't they got any games?

I've got a deck of cards
I use for playing solitaire

but that would only give one person
something to do.

Why don't you get them anyway?

(KIRK SHIVERING)

Here are the decorations and there are
plenty more where these came from.

Come on, let's get with it!
This is the season to be jolly.

Okay, you're down
about not being able to ski,

but I've got my woman, I'm feeling good,
and you're not going to spoil it, okay?

So let's get into the spirit
and start decorating this tree.

Maybe he's got a point.

Might as well.
We've got nothing better to do.

Okay, now, who wants to be the first
to hang a crab?

No, no, no. You've got
all the alligators bunched together.

Mix them in with some postcards.

Come on! We're trying to make this nice.

Well, what do you think?

Well, I always thought
lobsters were more Christmassy,

but if crabs are the only thing you've got...

Hey, don't knock it, Dick.
It took their minds off the weather.

Hey, check this out.

We can light the tree
with all these little pocket flashlights.

- You've thought of everything.
- Yeah.

Want to hang a gator?

Excuse me. Mr. Loudon?

- Can ll see you for a minute?
- Sure.

- What is it?
-1 know this is a bad time,

and you and Mrs. Loudon
have been so nice.

I'd hate to take advantage,

but I think my wife is
about to have the baby.

Now? You just checked in.

Sorry.

I thought you said
she wasn't due for another two weeks.

Well, she's trying not to,
but we're pretty sure that this is it.

All right, don't panic. Just stay calm.

Joanna!

- What's the matter?
- Nothing. Everything is fine.

- What is it?
- We need your help. It's an emergency.

- Everything is fine.
- What's going on?

My wife is about to have the baby.

I thought she wasn't due for two weeks.

- Merry Christmas.
- Oh, my God!

All right, now, don't panic. Just stay calm.

All right, you're the woman.
What do we do?

We call a doctor.

The roads are all closed.
No one can get through.

- Then you're going to have to do it.
- Do what?

- Deliver the baby.
- Can you deliver a baby?

Of course I can't.

All right. Everyone?

I know this may sound crazy, but...

Would any of you be a doctor?

Kirk!

Sorry. Reflex.

All of you are doctors?

Yeah. It's a doctor ski club. Why?

This man's wife is about to have a baby.

Great! Something to do!

What time is it?

Almost 4:00.

When we talked
about Christmas in Vermont,

I never dreamed
we'd be spending it like this.

Hey, there are a couple more omelets
out there if anyone wants them.

George, how can you still be eating
omelets left over from last night?

It's pretty good
once you pick out the chunks of ham.

Pick a card.

I'm too tired, Kirk.

Pick a card, Dick.

Okay, I'll pick one for you.

What is it?

Ten of clubs.

Okay.

Put it back anywhere in the deck.

There's your card.

That is the dumbest card trick
ll have ever seen.

It's the only one I know.

I'd like to see that again.

Hey, everybody! Guess what?

- Your wife had the baby.
- You've got it.

- What is it?
- It's a Tammy.

JOANNA: Congratulations!
You must be so happy.

How's your wife?

She's fine.
She wanted me to thank all of you.

Let's face it,
this could have been a real disaster.

We could have been out on that road
for who knows how long.

Instead we found this inn and you
and 24 attending physicians.

It's incredible!
I wish I had some cigars to pass out.

I've got some over at the café.

You've done enough already.

Can't argue with that.

Listen, I'd better get back up
and be with my wife.

I just wanted to come
and thank you again.

The minute the baby's ready,
I'll bring her down so you can see her.

Good! We can't wait.

This is a wonderful moment, isn't it, Dick?

Yes, it is, George.

What a night.

You know something?
I'm glad I didn't miss it.

You know,

this may not have been
exactly what we planned,

but when you talk about authentic
old-fashioned Christmases,

this is about as close
as you're going to get.

You know what I'd like to do right now?

I'd like to turn off all the lights
except the ones on the Christmas tree.

I'll do it.

GEORGE: It's funny.

All of a sudden, it looks kind of pretty.

DICK: You know? It does, at that.

KIRK: I made a Christmas wish today

Let me find a chick in Santa's sleigh

(SIGHING)

There's your card.

One more time.

Honey?

Merry Christmas.

- What is it?
-1 saved you a slice of ham.

And all I got for you
were diamond earrings.

Excuse me. Hi.

My car is stuck in the snow
about a half a mile from here.

I wonder if you could maybe tell me

if I might call somebody
who could help me out.

Well, there's a 24-hour towing service.

- Let me call them for you.
- Oh, great. Thanks a million. Thank you.

- What's your name?
- Allen Wiseman.

My two brothers are still in the car.