Newhart (1982–1990): Season 1, Episode 8 - Some Are Born Writers... Others Have Writers Thrust Upon Them - full transcript
Dick reluctantly helps an aspiring author make it in the business.
George, have you seen Joanna?
The last I saw her,
she was on her way to the market.
- Want me to get you some lunch?
- No, that's all right.
You're already eating.
It'd be too much trouble.
No trouble.
Well, in that case.
Did you ever get to that garage door
I told you about?
You mean the one ll told you about?
Il mean, the one ll told you about.
You mean the one with the broken hinge?
That's the one ll told you about.
Did you know that your garbage disposal
was broken?
- No. When did that happen?
- I don't know.
But remember you heard it from me first.
Hi, honey. Hi, George.
Oh, you know there's a step loose
on the back porch.
I knew that. Did you?
Well, I'd like to visit,
but looks like I have a busy afternoon.
Here, I'll...
Let me put some of that stuff away.
Thanks.
GEORGE: What step did you say that was?
(CRASHING)
GEORGE: Never mind, I got it.
You know, honey,
I just love going to the market here.
- It's so different from New York.
- Where do these go?
Do you know
they actually have a pickle barrel?
I mean, right in the middle of the store,
there's this great big wooden barrel
with all these pickles floating in it.
And you just stick your hand in
and grab one. Isn't that charming?
That's great. I love fresh pickles.
But where are they?
-1 didn't get any.
- Why not?
'Cause you have to stick your hand
in that barrel.
- Where does this go?
- On the shelf, under the olive oil.
Oh, by the way, did you know
that you're famous in town?
Actually, there was just one woman
who came up
and asked if you were my husband.
She seemed to know
an awful lot about us.
Did she know where we kept the olive oil?
- She wants to be a writer.
- Well, she"ll get over it.
- Where does this go?
- Dick, why don't you let me do this?
- I'm just trying to help.
- But you aren't helping, are you?
- No.
- No.
Anyway, this woman asked me
a lot of questions about you.
- Like what?
- Like, would you read her work?
I hope you found a nice way
of getting rid of her.
-1 invited her to dinner.
- How did she take it?
Dick, you of all people know how hard it is
to get started as a writer.
-1 thought you'd want to help her.
- These people don't want help.
They want praise, and if you don't give it
to them, then they hate you.
- But what if her work is good?
- Well, it doesn't matter.
I mean, what if everybody wanted
me to read their work?
What if they did?
Well, for one thing,
we'd have way too many dinner parties.
Okay. If I've done something wrong,
I'm sorry.
But ll don't see what the big deal is.
She just wants to come over
and pick your brain.
How long can that take?
I just love what you've done
with this place.
- We really haven't done that much.
- Well, that's what I mean,
you haven't done anything.
- It's wonderful.
- Well, we have done a few things.
But nothing that shows. I just love it.
Honey, Vicki's been waiting patiently
since yesterday.
I think she's dying to hear
what you think of her work.
-1 really am.
- Now, honey, you know I'm uncomfortable
-telling another writer how to write.
- Believe me, I want to hear it all.
Any teeny little thing you could say
would mean so much.
- Well, overall I think it's pretty good.
-1 could die.
It's a collection of charming essays.
I liked it a lot.
Well, that's it.
I've died and gone to heaven.
Is essay writing the kind of thing
a person could make money at?
Conceivably.
Well, this is exciting.
Is there anything else you can tell me
about my work?
No, I think that's about it.
I think we've talked enough about writing.
- Len, what business are you in?
-1 sell life insurance.
So, Vicki, when did you first
become interested in writing?
Hi. If you don't need me for anything,
I'm going to go to the library.
Kirk and Leslie, this is Len and Vicki.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- How do you do? Hi.
- Leslie's a student at Dartmouth.
- What are you studying?
European History
and Renaissance Theology.
I'm helping Leslie find a subject
for her Masters thesis.
- What are you most interested in?
- Leslie.
-1 was talking to Leslie.
- Sorry.
I haven't really decided yet.
I hate to run off like this, but it's late.
Nice meeting you.
- Same here.
- Same here.
Pleasure.
- Is Leslie your daughter?
- Oh, no, no. She's our maid.
- We have three boys.
- Sure wish we had a maid.
- Well, if everyone's ready for dessert...
- Let me help you.
- Thank you, Vicki.
- Now, Len,
while we're gone,
don't you sell Dick any life insurance.
Don't worry. He won't.
Well, this is really nice.
Good food. New friends.
Let's get to the point, Dick.
You think Vicki should keep
at this writing thing?
- I'm afraid I'm not following you.
- What I mean is, can she make it?
- Does she wanna make it?
- That's all she thinks about.
But if she hasn't got it, I wanna nip it now.
- I'm a realist, Dick.
- Well, I can see that.
For what it's worth, I think anyone
with a little talent and a lot of hard work
has a chance of making a living
in whatever they're interested in.
- You do?
- Sure.
I mean, the important thing for you to do
is just give her a lot of support.
- Well, how would ll do that?
- Well,
one way would be to give her
as much freedom as you can
to let her work.
Right. Then what?
Well, you know,
eventually she'll need an agent.
How does she do that?
I suppose I could make a couple calls.
Vicki, guess what?
Dick's gonna get you an agent.
-1 didn't quite say that.
- Am I ready for an agent?
Well, there's still a few rough spots,
and you may need a few pointers, but...
- Where would she get those?
- Yeah. Where would I get those?
Well, I guess we're talking about
another professional writer.
- And I guess we're talking about me.
- You'd do that, too? This guy is incredible!
Honey, this is so nice of you.
Now, Dick, if this sounds pushy
you just say so.
But when are you going to do this?
- Soon.
- Tomorrow?
- Tomorrow would be soon.
- Then tomorrow it is.
- I can't wait.
- I feel like we've launched a career.
And just think, if it hadn't been for Joanna,
none of this would have happened.
That's true.
Fine. We're looking forward to seeing you
on the 12th. Thanks for calling.
- You wanna hear the craziest thing?
- Sure, why not?
You know how I said
the garbage disposal was broken?
- Yeah.
- It wasn't.
I just had the switches mixed up.
Every time I turned on the garbage
disposal switch,
I was really turning on the light switch.
And vice versa.
- So you didn't have to fix anything?
- Not after I re-wired the switches.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Well, hello.
Honey, the Bicksels are here.
Oh, I'm sorry. You don't know
our caretaker, George Utley.
Oh, yes we do. This is a small town,
Joanna. Everybody knows everybody.
You folks from around here?
- Len Bicksel.
- George Utley.
- Hi.
- How do you do?
I'm sorry.
I didn't realize it was that time already.
- You said 10:30.
- Right, and it's 9:40.
- I guess we're just excited.
- Yeah, I know that feeling.
- Do you write, too?
- No. I just know that feeling.
Have we got a surprise for you.
- Really?
- Yeah.
But first I wanna make sure
I got this straight.
Now, Dick, you did say
you liked Vicki's work, right?
- Right.
- And you did say that anybody
with a little talent and a lot of hard work
had a chance of making it, right?
- Right.
- And you're standing by that.
-1 guess I'm standing by that.
- Well, then you're going to be happy
to learn that, from now on, Vicki
is going to devote as much time
as she needs to her writing.
No more cooking. No more cleaning.
No more marketing.
I'm also giving up
the responsibility of the boys.
- How can you do that?
- Take a guess.
- You're not thinking of leaving them here?
- BOTH: No.
- Len will be home with them now.
- Len?
Yeah. You were so encouraging
about my new career that...
- Well, you tell them, Len.
-1 quit my job.
- You quit your job? You're not serious.
- Serious and committed, Dick.
- Where do we start?
-1 think we start by getting your job back.
- Can't do that.
- Why not?
I lost all my benefits when I quit.
It'd be like starting over.
- Well, then, start over.
- The company won't let me.
- They're funny about people leaving.
- I don't understand how you could do this.
Well, Dick said Vicki could make it.
That's all we needed to hear.
Wait a minute. I never said that.
When I asked you if we had a chance
of making it, you said, "Sure."”
I said "sure,” meaning,
stranger things have happened.
You didn't say that. You said, "Sure.”
Anyway, we talked it over
and think this is our one chance
to really roll those dice. Go for broke.
Right, kids?
Honey, before they think
we've gone crazy...
We do have a little money put aside.
I mean, why else do you build
a life savings?
I know it's none of my business, but
how much life do you have
in your savings?
Forty-five days.
You don't really expect Dick
to find Vicki work in that period of time?
We're not worried. So where do we begin?
Maybe you should give Dick
a minute to think.
Honey., ll don't think
they have that kind of time.
Well, it's too late to turn back now.
So why don't we just start working?
I guess we better.
- Why don't I make some coffee?
- Sell a lot!
That's what Vicki used to say to me
when I went to work.
Come on, kids.
Oh, wow. This is great.
- Every writer should have a study like this.
- Well, it took me 22 years to get this one.
I hope I can make it quicker than that.
Are you sure this is something
you guys wanna do?
Oh, absolutely.
Len has a wonderful philosophy of life.
- Which is what?
- Shoot the moon.
- Love that Len.
- So what do we do first?
Well, I guess the first thing to do
would be to read the rest of your material.
I try to write 5,000 words a day.
- That's more than Hemingway wrote.
- Well, I have an electric typewriter.
Right.
Why don't I get to this later tonight?
- Well, let's start with...
- Calling your agent?
Right.
Hello. Yes, this is Dick Loudon.
Is Elliot there?
I didn't know that.
Did he leave a phone number
where he could be reached in Israel?
I see. Is Mel there?
I didn't know that.
I guess I don't speak to you that often.
Well, please give my sympathies
to his widow.
Well, when she gets back from Israel.
Is there anyone there I can talk to?
Would you have him call me, please?
As soon as possible.
Well, that's the only phone call
we can make.
- Now what?
- Well, we sort of started the ball rolling.
Why don't we take a break,
and have some of that coffee?
Then again, why waste time?
(FOIL CRACKLING)
Dick?
What are you doing?
- Eating.
- Eating what?
Raisin Rascals.
I thought the Bicksel boys ate all of those.
-1 hid these.
- Where?
I'm not telling.
Honey, this is the third night in a row. It's
2:00 in the morning and you're not in bed.
Joanna, you know I feel restless
whenever I ruin a family's life.
- I'm sorry. This whole thing is my fault.
- No, it's my fault.
I mean, when you first told me
you invited them to dinner here,
I should have said right away,
"Joanna, I'm leaving you."
How did we ever get into this mess?
We got into this because we're pushovers.
We're chumps.
I mean, we should have a sign
right out in front,
"Stop here. See the chumps.”
Well, we just never should
have let it go this far.
I don't know.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I...
I always felt I could pull it off.
No one could find somebody an agent
and a publisher in 45 days.
- Gore Vidal could.
- Honey, you're not Gore Vidal.
I know that now.
- So what are we gonna do?
- I don't know.
I do know I can't spend one more day
alone in that room with Vicki.
Il mean, I don't know what kind of advice
to give her. ll don't have any anecdotes.
I mean, you know the autobiography
I was always going to write?
Forget it. I have nothing to say.
You think it's any better out there
with five hopeful faces staring at the door?
-1 thought there were just four.
- Lately I've been joining them.
Well, there's only one thing we can do.
You're talking about telling them
the truth, aren't you?
Well, we don't have any choice.
I mean, at least if we tell them now,
they have time to recover.
- Why is this so hard for us?
- It's hard because they trusted us.
I mean, these are two innocents
who put their lives in our hands
because, well,
they thought we could help them.
- And now we have to tell them we can't.
- How do you think they'll take it?
Put yourself in their place.
How would you take it?
Well, I think I'd say I understood,
go home, and be miserable for weeks.
I sure hope they take it that way.
- Yo, Joanna.
- Hi, Kirk.
Iran out of sugar at the cafe and I was
wondering if I could borrow some?
- How much do you need?
- Enough to fill 25 of these.
- See you later. I'm off.
- Where you going?
- Skiing.
- Great.
Listen, on your way back
why don't you stop by the cafe,
-and I'll make you a nice hot chocolate.
- Sounds good.
I also need a cup of cocoa.
- Morning.
- Morning.
- Hi.
- Morning. You remember Kirk.
- Oh, yeah.
- You remember the Bicksels.
Right. The people who are throwing
their lives away.
And these must be the innocent victims.
Kirk, you remember where we keep
the sugar and cocoa, don't you?
- No.
- Well, why don't you search
through every cupboard we have
till you find it?
Okay.
- Morning, maestro.
- Ready to get started?
Well, before we begin this morning, I think
there's something we should talk about.
Gather round, the master speaks.
I think it might be better
if just the adults heard this.
You're saying, get rid of the kids?
- Hey, fellas, Daddy saw a bear outside.
- BOY 1: A bear?
- Yeah!
- Let's go!
BOY 2: Wait for me.
(BOYS SHOUTING EXCITEDLY)
- Well, why don't we have a seat?
- Okay.
I really don't know how to begin.
I want to be honest.
Joanna and I haven't had much sleep
the past few days.
Dick, if you got something on your mind,
let's hear it.
Well, maybe the best thing
is just to go straight through it.
- This whole thing isn't working out.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, now, honey.
- Oh, God.
- Don't be upset.
- Oh, God. Oh, God.
Vicki, take it easy.
Why don't you think this is working, Dick?
(STAMMERING) Well, ll don't think the two
of you realized what you were getting into.
(CRYING) Oh, God!
I mean, it takes time to be a writer,
and 45 days just isn't enough time.
- Would it help if you had more time?
- No.
I really hate to say this,
but there's nothing more ll can do.
VICKI: (CRYING) Oh, God.
I know this is pretty hard to hear.
Well, Dick, we appreciate
your being honest with us.
We're just glad you told us now
instead of waiting. Right, Vick?
I wish I could tell you
where to go from here.
Well, I guess I'll go back
to selling insurance.
-1 thought you couldn't go back.
- Well, ll can't go back to the same people.
But there are a lot
of insurance companies, Dick.
And fortunately,
you're in good hands with all of them.
Vicki, I hope this doesn't discourage you
about writing.
Oh, no. I'll keep writing
as long as there's electricity.
I really wish I could have
been more help.
-1 wish we both could have been.
- Well, now, don't you worry about it.
Apparently we were unrealistic. Vicki will
just go back to writing in her spare time.
Like I do with my photography.
-1 didn't know you were a photographer.
- Well, more of a weekend shutterbug.
I just take pictures of the kids, the house,
vacations. That sort of thing.
- These are very good.
- You really think so?
- Sure.
- Tell me, Dick.
Is photography the kind of thing
a person could make money at?
No.
Well, thanks again.
And we really do appreciate everything
you tried to do for us.
I really feel bad that, you know,
things didn't work out.
Hey, we roll with the punches.
(VICKI SOBBING)
- Goodbye.
- Don't forget the kids.
- That was so hard.
-1 know. I really feel bad for her.
Dick, you have my word,
I'm never going to get us involved
in anything like this again.
Honey, the reason we got involved
is because you care about people.
And ll love that about you.
So please don't ever change that.
Thank you, honey.
- Well, I'm gonna go for a walk.
- I'm going to the market.
Stop right there.
The last I saw her,
she was on her way to the market.
- Want me to get you some lunch?
- No, that's all right.
You're already eating.
It'd be too much trouble.
No trouble.
Well, in that case.
Did you ever get to that garage door
I told you about?
You mean the one ll told you about?
Il mean, the one ll told you about.
You mean the one with the broken hinge?
That's the one ll told you about.
Did you know that your garbage disposal
was broken?
- No. When did that happen?
- I don't know.
But remember you heard it from me first.
Hi, honey. Hi, George.
Oh, you know there's a step loose
on the back porch.
I knew that. Did you?
Well, I'd like to visit,
but looks like I have a busy afternoon.
Here, I'll...
Let me put some of that stuff away.
Thanks.
GEORGE: What step did you say that was?
(CRASHING)
GEORGE: Never mind, I got it.
You know, honey,
I just love going to the market here.
- It's so different from New York.
- Where do these go?
Do you know
they actually have a pickle barrel?
I mean, right in the middle of the store,
there's this great big wooden barrel
with all these pickles floating in it.
And you just stick your hand in
and grab one. Isn't that charming?
That's great. I love fresh pickles.
But where are they?
-1 didn't get any.
- Why not?
'Cause you have to stick your hand
in that barrel.
- Where does this go?
- On the shelf, under the olive oil.
Oh, by the way, did you know
that you're famous in town?
Actually, there was just one woman
who came up
and asked if you were my husband.
She seemed to know
an awful lot about us.
Did she know where we kept the olive oil?
- She wants to be a writer.
- Well, she"ll get over it.
- Where does this go?
- Dick, why don't you let me do this?
- I'm just trying to help.
- But you aren't helping, are you?
- No.
- No.
Anyway, this woman asked me
a lot of questions about you.
- Like what?
- Like, would you read her work?
I hope you found a nice way
of getting rid of her.
-1 invited her to dinner.
- How did she take it?
Dick, you of all people know how hard it is
to get started as a writer.
-1 thought you'd want to help her.
- These people don't want help.
They want praise, and if you don't give it
to them, then they hate you.
- But what if her work is good?
- Well, it doesn't matter.
I mean, what if everybody wanted
me to read their work?
What if they did?
Well, for one thing,
we'd have way too many dinner parties.
Okay. If I've done something wrong,
I'm sorry.
But ll don't see what the big deal is.
She just wants to come over
and pick your brain.
How long can that take?
I just love what you've done
with this place.
- We really haven't done that much.
- Well, that's what I mean,
you haven't done anything.
- It's wonderful.
- Well, we have done a few things.
But nothing that shows. I just love it.
Honey, Vicki's been waiting patiently
since yesterday.
I think she's dying to hear
what you think of her work.
-1 really am.
- Now, honey, you know I'm uncomfortable
-telling another writer how to write.
- Believe me, I want to hear it all.
Any teeny little thing you could say
would mean so much.
- Well, overall I think it's pretty good.
-1 could die.
It's a collection of charming essays.
I liked it a lot.
Well, that's it.
I've died and gone to heaven.
Is essay writing the kind of thing
a person could make money at?
Conceivably.
Well, this is exciting.
Is there anything else you can tell me
about my work?
No, I think that's about it.
I think we've talked enough about writing.
- Len, what business are you in?
-1 sell life insurance.
So, Vicki, when did you first
become interested in writing?
Hi. If you don't need me for anything,
I'm going to go to the library.
Kirk and Leslie, this is Len and Vicki.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- How do you do? Hi.
- Leslie's a student at Dartmouth.
- What are you studying?
European History
and Renaissance Theology.
I'm helping Leslie find a subject
for her Masters thesis.
- What are you most interested in?
- Leslie.
-1 was talking to Leslie.
- Sorry.
I haven't really decided yet.
I hate to run off like this, but it's late.
Nice meeting you.
- Same here.
- Same here.
Pleasure.
- Is Leslie your daughter?
- Oh, no, no. She's our maid.
- We have three boys.
- Sure wish we had a maid.
- Well, if everyone's ready for dessert...
- Let me help you.
- Thank you, Vicki.
- Now, Len,
while we're gone,
don't you sell Dick any life insurance.
Don't worry. He won't.
Well, this is really nice.
Good food. New friends.
Let's get to the point, Dick.
You think Vicki should keep
at this writing thing?
- I'm afraid I'm not following you.
- What I mean is, can she make it?
- Does she wanna make it?
- That's all she thinks about.
But if she hasn't got it, I wanna nip it now.
- I'm a realist, Dick.
- Well, I can see that.
For what it's worth, I think anyone
with a little talent and a lot of hard work
has a chance of making a living
in whatever they're interested in.
- You do?
- Sure.
I mean, the important thing for you to do
is just give her a lot of support.
- Well, how would ll do that?
- Well,
one way would be to give her
as much freedom as you can
to let her work.
Right. Then what?
Well, you know,
eventually she'll need an agent.
How does she do that?
I suppose I could make a couple calls.
Vicki, guess what?
Dick's gonna get you an agent.
-1 didn't quite say that.
- Am I ready for an agent?
Well, there's still a few rough spots,
and you may need a few pointers, but...
- Where would she get those?
- Yeah. Where would I get those?
Well, I guess we're talking about
another professional writer.
- And I guess we're talking about me.
- You'd do that, too? This guy is incredible!
Honey, this is so nice of you.
Now, Dick, if this sounds pushy
you just say so.
But when are you going to do this?
- Soon.
- Tomorrow?
- Tomorrow would be soon.
- Then tomorrow it is.
- I can't wait.
- I feel like we've launched a career.
And just think, if it hadn't been for Joanna,
none of this would have happened.
That's true.
Fine. We're looking forward to seeing you
on the 12th. Thanks for calling.
- You wanna hear the craziest thing?
- Sure, why not?
You know how I said
the garbage disposal was broken?
- Yeah.
- It wasn't.
I just had the switches mixed up.
Every time I turned on the garbage
disposal switch,
I was really turning on the light switch.
And vice versa.
- So you didn't have to fix anything?
- Not after I re-wired the switches.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Well, hello.
Honey, the Bicksels are here.
Oh, I'm sorry. You don't know
our caretaker, George Utley.
Oh, yes we do. This is a small town,
Joanna. Everybody knows everybody.
You folks from around here?
- Len Bicksel.
- George Utley.
- Hi.
- How do you do?
I'm sorry.
I didn't realize it was that time already.
- You said 10:30.
- Right, and it's 9:40.
- I guess we're just excited.
- Yeah, I know that feeling.
- Do you write, too?
- No. I just know that feeling.
Have we got a surprise for you.
- Really?
- Yeah.
But first I wanna make sure
I got this straight.
Now, Dick, you did say
you liked Vicki's work, right?
- Right.
- And you did say that anybody
with a little talent and a lot of hard work
had a chance of making it, right?
- Right.
- And you're standing by that.
-1 guess I'm standing by that.
- Well, then you're going to be happy
to learn that, from now on, Vicki
is going to devote as much time
as she needs to her writing.
No more cooking. No more cleaning.
No more marketing.
I'm also giving up
the responsibility of the boys.
- How can you do that?
- Take a guess.
- You're not thinking of leaving them here?
- BOTH: No.
- Len will be home with them now.
- Len?
Yeah. You were so encouraging
about my new career that...
- Well, you tell them, Len.
-1 quit my job.
- You quit your job? You're not serious.
- Serious and committed, Dick.
- Where do we start?
-1 think we start by getting your job back.
- Can't do that.
- Why not?
I lost all my benefits when I quit.
It'd be like starting over.
- Well, then, start over.
- The company won't let me.
- They're funny about people leaving.
- I don't understand how you could do this.
Well, Dick said Vicki could make it.
That's all we needed to hear.
Wait a minute. I never said that.
When I asked you if we had a chance
of making it, you said, "Sure."”
I said "sure,” meaning,
stranger things have happened.
You didn't say that. You said, "Sure.”
Anyway, we talked it over
and think this is our one chance
to really roll those dice. Go for broke.
Right, kids?
Honey, before they think
we've gone crazy...
We do have a little money put aside.
I mean, why else do you build
a life savings?
I know it's none of my business, but
how much life do you have
in your savings?
Forty-five days.
You don't really expect Dick
to find Vicki work in that period of time?
We're not worried. So where do we begin?
Maybe you should give Dick
a minute to think.
Honey., ll don't think
they have that kind of time.
Well, it's too late to turn back now.
So why don't we just start working?
I guess we better.
- Why don't I make some coffee?
- Sell a lot!
That's what Vicki used to say to me
when I went to work.
Come on, kids.
Oh, wow. This is great.
- Every writer should have a study like this.
- Well, it took me 22 years to get this one.
I hope I can make it quicker than that.
Are you sure this is something
you guys wanna do?
Oh, absolutely.
Len has a wonderful philosophy of life.
- Which is what?
- Shoot the moon.
- Love that Len.
- So what do we do first?
Well, I guess the first thing to do
would be to read the rest of your material.
I try to write 5,000 words a day.
- That's more than Hemingway wrote.
- Well, I have an electric typewriter.
Right.
Why don't I get to this later tonight?
- Well, let's start with...
- Calling your agent?
Right.
Hello. Yes, this is Dick Loudon.
Is Elliot there?
I didn't know that.
Did he leave a phone number
where he could be reached in Israel?
I see. Is Mel there?
I didn't know that.
I guess I don't speak to you that often.
Well, please give my sympathies
to his widow.
Well, when she gets back from Israel.
Is there anyone there I can talk to?
Would you have him call me, please?
As soon as possible.
Well, that's the only phone call
we can make.
- Now what?
- Well, we sort of started the ball rolling.
Why don't we take a break,
and have some of that coffee?
Then again, why waste time?
(FOIL CRACKLING)
Dick?
What are you doing?
- Eating.
- Eating what?
Raisin Rascals.
I thought the Bicksel boys ate all of those.
-1 hid these.
- Where?
I'm not telling.
Honey, this is the third night in a row. It's
2:00 in the morning and you're not in bed.
Joanna, you know I feel restless
whenever I ruin a family's life.
- I'm sorry. This whole thing is my fault.
- No, it's my fault.
I mean, when you first told me
you invited them to dinner here,
I should have said right away,
"Joanna, I'm leaving you."
How did we ever get into this mess?
We got into this because we're pushovers.
We're chumps.
I mean, we should have a sign
right out in front,
"Stop here. See the chumps.”
Well, we just never should
have let it go this far.
I don't know.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I...
I always felt I could pull it off.
No one could find somebody an agent
and a publisher in 45 days.
- Gore Vidal could.
- Honey, you're not Gore Vidal.
I know that now.
- So what are we gonna do?
- I don't know.
I do know I can't spend one more day
alone in that room with Vicki.
Il mean, I don't know what kind of advice
to give her. ll don't have any anecdotes.
I mean, you know the autobiography
I was always going to write?
Forget it. I have nothing to say.
You think it's any better out there
with five hopeful faces staring at the door?
-1 thought there were just four.
- Lately I've been joining them.
Well, there's only one thing we can do.
You're talking about telling them
the truth, aren't you?
Well, we don't have any choice.
I mean, at least if we tell them now,
they have time to recover.
- Why is this so hard for us?
- It's hard because they trusted us.
I mean, these are two innocents
who put their lives in our hands
because, well,
they thought we could help them.
- And now we have to tell them we can't.
- How do you think they'll take it?
Put yourself in their place.
How would you take it?
Well, I think I'd say I understood,
go home, and be miserable for weeks.
I sure hope they take it that way.
- Yo, Joanna.
- Hi, Kirk.
Iran out of sugar at the cafe and I was
wondering if I could borrow some?
- How much do you need?
- Enough to fill 25 of these.
- See you later. I'm off.
- Where you going?
- Skiing.
- Great.
Listen, on your way back
why don't you stop by the cafe,
-and I'll make you a nice hot chocolate.
- Sounds good.
I also need a cup of cocoa.
- Morning.
- Morning.
- Hi.
- Morning. You remember Kirk.
- Oh, yeah.
- You remember the Bicksels.
Right. The people who are throwing
their lives away.
And these must be the innocent victims.
Kirk, you remember where we keep
the sugar and cocoa, don't you?
- No.
- Well, why don't you search
through every cupboard we have
till you find it?
Okay.
- Morning, maestro.
- Ready to get started?
Well, before we begin this morning, I think
there's something we should talk about.
Gather round, the master speaks.
I think it might be better
if just the adults heard this.
You're saying, get rid of the kids?
- Hey, fellas, Daddy saw a bear outside.
- BOY 1: A bear?
- Yeah!
- Let's go!
BOY 2: Wait for me.
(BOYS SHOUTING EXCITEDLY)
- Well, why don't we have a seat?
- Okay.
I really don't know how to begin.
I want to be honest.
Joanna and I haven't had much sleep
the past few days.
Dick, if you got something on your mind,
let's hear it.
Well, maybe the best thing
is just to go straight through it.
- This whole thing isn't working out.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, now, honey.
- Oh, God.
- Don't be upset.
- Oh, God. Oh, God.
Vicki, take it easy.
Why don't you think this is working, Dick?
(STAMMERING) Well, ll don't think the two
of you realized what you were getting into.
(CRYING) Oh, God!
I mean, it takes time to be a writer,
and 45 days just isn't enough time.
- Would it help if you had more time?
- No.
I really hate to say this,
but there's nothing more ll can do.
VICKI: (CRYING) Oh, God.
I know this is pretty hard to hear.
Well, Dick, we appreciate
your being honest with us.
We're just glad you told us now
instead of waiting. Right, Vick?
I wish I could tell you
where to go from here.
Well, I guess I'll go back
to selling insurance.
-1 thought you couldn't go back.
- Well, ll can't go back to the same people.
But there are a lot
of insurance companies, Dick.
And fortunately,
you're in good hands with all of them.
Vicki, I hope this doesn't discourage you
about writing.
Oh, no. I'll keep writing
as long as there's electricity.
I really wish I could have
been more help.
-1 wish we both could have been.
- Well, now, don't you worry about it.
Apparently we were unrealistic. Vicki will
just go back to writing in her spare time.
Like I do with my photography.
-1 didn't know you were a photographer.
- Well, more of a weekend shutterbug.
I just take pictures of the kids, the house,
vacations. That sort of thing.
- These are very good.
- You really think so?
- Sure.
- Tell me, Dick.
Is photography the kind of thing
a person could make money at?
No.
Well, thanks again.
And we really do appreciate everything
you tried to do for us.
I really feel bad that, you know,
things didn't work out.
Hey, we roll with the punches.
(VICKI SOBBING)
- Goodbye.
- Don't forget the kids.
- That was so hard.
-1 know. I really feel bad for her.
Dick, you have my word,
I'm never going to get us involved
in anything like this again.
Honey, the reason we got involved
is because you care about people.
And ll love that about you.
So please don't ever change that.
Thank you, honey.
- Well, I'm gonna go for a walk.
- I'm going to the market.
Stop right there.