Newhart (1982–1990): Season 1, Episode 18 - The Boy Who Cried Goat - full transcript
Kirk must take a lie detector test to prove his claims that the Minuteman Café was robbed.
Stop, Dick.
Stop what?
Stop hiding your figs under the toast.
Joanna, don't be silly.
I'm not hiding figs under my toast.
Well, what do you know, figs!
We talked about this before.
Now, you've gotta start eating better,
and that means getting more fruit
in your diet.
I don't like people telling me how to eat,
that's why I became a grownup.
He's not eating his figs.
I was saving them for dessert.
- Just try them, they're delicious.
-1 hate figs.
- They're full of vitamins.
-1 hate vitamins.
That's dumb.
Why would anybody hate vitamins?
Because they come in things like figs.
(PANTING)
Anything wrong?
I think I'm gonna faint.
I really think I'm gonna faint.
Stop clowning, Kirk.
Wait a minute.
- KIRK: Oh, God.
-1 don't think he's lying this time.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, no.
- Let's get him to a chair.
- Kirk! Kirk!
- What happened?
- Take it easy, take it easy.
- I'll get a cold towel.
- I'll get him some water.
I'll get him some figs.
JOANNA: Dick!
- Kirk, what's the matter?
- A man just held up my café.
- What?
- What? Was anyone hurt?
No, fortunately, being breakfast,
the place was empty.
Well, what happened?
This guy came into my café.
He looked like all my other customers,
hostile, nervous, trembling.
I said, "Can I help you?" He said, "Yeah."
Then he grabbed my radio off the counter
and threatened to hit me
over the head with it
if ll didn't give him all my money.
- He actually said that?
-1 think so.
All I could really hear
was Melissa Manchester
singing Don't Cry Out Loud.
How much money did he get?
All my life savings, $2,000.
$2,000? You said you were broke.
How did you save $2,000?
Same way as everybody else.
It was my tax refund.
Kirk, this is terrible.
Did you call the police?
No, no, I was too upset
to do anything like that.
You should call your insurance company.
Them, I called.
Well, then, just try to calm down.
You weren't hurt,
and your insurance company
will reimburse you for everything.
Il hope so. ll don't know.
I don't trust anyone anymore.
Kirk, it was just one incident.
You can't stop trusting people.
You don't know what it feels like
to be threatened like that.
I was terrorized, Dick.
There's no telling
what kind of psychological trauma
I may have suffered.
Right now, I'm afraid
to walk out on the street again.
- Kirk, is there anything ll can do?
- How about a movie?
Here you go.
You'll be in Room 8 and I'll have somebody
bring your bags up in a minute.
Thank you.
Oh, Dick, this is Mr. and Mrs. Powell.
They're spending
their honeymoon with us.
Oh, congratulations.
We hope you enjoy your stay here.
Thank you, I'm sure we will.
Well, here we go.
I always think that's so romantic.
Why didn't you ever carry me
over the threshold?
- We talked about that, remember?
- We did?
Yeah, I asked you if you wanted
to go through a basically sexist tradition
and probably the two of us
would look like idiots,
and you said, "I guess not."
Hi, I'm looking for the owner.
Hi, you found him.
Hi, Tom Carson,
World Mutual Home and Casualty.
Hello, Dick Loudon,
and we don't need any insurance.
Mr. Loudon, we're the insurance carrier
for the Minuteman Café.
I'm investigating the robbery
they had over there earlier this week.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Just making my report.
Need to ask a few neighbors
some routine questions
concerning Mr. Devane's character.
Well, I can certainly vouch for the fact
that he's a character.
Yeah.
How long have you known Mr. Devane?
Actually, not that long.
But during the time you have known him,
he's impressed you
as being pretty reputable?
Yes. Yes, he's pretty reputable.
Of course, you know,
it depends on your definition of reputable.
Would you say he is basically
an honest person?
Yes.
Basically.
I'm just trying to determine whether
or not Mr. Devane is an honest man,
and ll sense some evasiveness
on your part.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm certainly not trying to be evasive.
Well, then, would you please
just answer the question?
Yes or no?
- What question is that?
- Is Mr. Devane honest?
Look, I'm sure Kirk
didn't lie about the robbery.
Are you're saying
he lies about other things?
He fibs. He fibs for fun. He's a fun fibber.
Mr. Loudon,
what you're saying is very serious.
No, no, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
You're saying Mr. Devane can't be trusted.
I never said that.
Never said what?
Il never said that Kirk couldn't be trusted.
You say that all the time.
- Who's this?
- George Utley.
- Do you know Kirk Devane?
- Sure.
If you had to, would you describe him
as basically honest or basically dishonest?
Well, that depends.
On what?
Who are you?
This is Mr. Carson. He's investigating
the robbery at Kirk's café.
See, any time anyone claims to be robbed
and we don't know whether
or not they're telling the truth,
we have to investigate.
- Well, I know Kirk is telling the truth.
- How do you know that?
Well, because when Kirk told us about it,
Dick said,
I don't think he's lying this time.”
Well, I'd like to thank both of you
gentlemen very much for your help.
Mr. Carson, I hope we didn't give you
the wrong impression of Kirk.
Don't think so.
- Shoot.
- What's wrong?
Oh, I think I got Kirk in trouble.
1 feel like a traitor.
I feel like the worst kind of turncoat.
Oh, I feel the same way.
- Why? You didn't do anything.
- No, I meant about you.
- That was delicious.
- Thank you. Have a good day.
Thanks, we will.
Honey, I'm so glad you decided to let me
make you a healthy breakfast for a change.
Well, I guess one healthy breakfast
isn't going to kill me.
I know after you eat this,
you're going to have more energy
and you're going to feel better all day.
Good morning, Dick.
Good morning, George.
Would you pass the butter, please?
Thank you.
Would you pass the jam?
Would you pass the syrup, please?
(WHISTLING)
Thank you.
Do we have any powdered sugar?
I can't eat this.
All right, I'll get you a stack
of cholesterol and fat.
Do you want to explain to me
what happened over here yesterday?
Kirk, what are you talking about?
I'm talking about someone
singing like a canary
to the insurance investigator.
All right, Dick, here's your breakfast.
Oh, sure. Sing like a bird, eat like a pig.
- Is there a problem, Kirk?
- Problem?
When that investigator
left my cafe yesterday,
everything was fine.
Now he's snooping all over town,
asking people questions about me.
Apparently, someone
has led him to believe
I might not be telling the truth.
I guess that would be Dick.
Kirk, Dick didn't tell the investigator
anything he couldn't have heard
from 100 other people.
But he might not have talked
to 100 other people
if Dick hadn't told him I was a liar.
I only said you lied occasionally.
Couldn't you have stretched the truth?
That was stretching the truth.
Well, thanks to you, I'm trapped now.
What do you mean?
They've asked me
to drive up to Burlington this afternoon
to take a lie detector test.
- What's wrong with that?
- What if I don't pass?
Kirk, if you're telling the truth
about the robbery,
you have nothing to fear.
Dick, you know how I am.
There's something inside me
that won't allow me to tell the truth.
I'm just afraid if they hook me up
to that machine, I'll burst into flames.
All right, would it make you feel better
if I went along with you?
Are you volunteering
because you're my friend,
or because you feel guilty?
Because I feel guilty.
Kirk, if you want me to, I'll go with you.
Thank you, Leslie,
but I'd never drag someone I care about
down into this slimy, seamy mess.
I'll take Dick.
If I pass out, you won't let
my head hit the floor, will you?
Kirk, relax, it's gonna be fine.
This is all so sick, Dick.
Hooking people up to machines,
probing their minds,
injecting them with electrical impulses,
making them pay for parking.
Kirk, you don't have to go through this.
Il do if ll want to get what's rightfully mine.
The money I got
from cheating on my taxes.
Mr. Devane,
here's the water you asked for.
Thanks, could you throw it
on the machine?
He's joking.
And now, Mr. Devane, as I said before,
I'll be instructing you through the test.
You'll be asked a series of questions
in random order.
Your answers will be registered
according to your blood pressure,
respiration and skin response,
so it is important that you remain calm.
Calm, okay.
Remember, all of your responses
are to be yes or no.
KIRK: Yes or no.
- Do you understand?
- Yes.
Very well, let's begin.
- Is your name Kirk Devane?
- Yes.
- Are you a resident of Vermont?
- Yes.
- Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
- Yes.
- Are you in this country illegally?
- Yes.
Wait a minute.
Kirk, you're not even listening
to the questions.
- What?
- You're not listening to what he's asking.
What did he say?
Why don't we begin again?
Now, just relax and pay attention.
Relax. Okay, yes.
- Is your name Kirk Devane?
- Yes.
- Do you run the Minuteman Café?
- Yes.
Do you use illegal narcotics
on a regular basis?
Yes.
Wait a minute, he's doing it again.
I don't understand.
I'm not getting any variation.
You mean the machine
isn't registering that he's lying?
It barely registers anything.
The pins haven't moved.
According to this, he's in a coma.
Well, maybe the machine's broken.
No, it was working earlier today.
Would you mind answering
a few questions just to test it?
- Me?
- Well, it will only take a minute.
Here, just let me get you unfastened here.
There you go, you're free.
- Would you stand up, please?
- Yes.
- Kirk, would you hold my coat?
- Yes.
- This must be fascinating work.
- Yes.
Never taken a polygraph test before,
but then again, why would I?
What do they call you, polygraphers?
Polygraphists?
Lie guys?
The actual term is polygraph examiner,
but you can call me Polly.
There now, that does it.
Now, remember to relax.
Make all of your responses yes or no.
Right. I mean, yes.
Fine, then let's begin.
- Is your name Dick Loudon?
- Yes. No.
My friends call me Dick
but my name is Richard Loudon.
Just answer yes or no.
These aren't trick questions.
I'm sorry.
- Are you a resident of Vermont?
- Yes. No.
What I mean is, I live here now,
but I've only lived here
for a couple of months,
so I'm, you know,
not sure I'm a legal resident.
I'm doing it again, aren't I?
That's all right.
You do show that the instrument
is definitely working.
DICK: Then how do you explain his test?
I can't explain it.
For some reason,
he doesn't register on the polygraph.
What does this mean?
If he doesn't register,
it means there's nothing I can do
to support his claim.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too, Kirk.
Looks like the only way
I'm gonna get my money back now
is to go out and find the guy who stole it.
- How are you gonna do that?
- We'll ask around.
We'll start with the seediest place in town.
That would be your place.
Okay, we'll start
with the second seediest place.
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
- Kirk, this is crazy.
- It's not crazy.
This is the kind of place
where crummy people hang out.
- Hi, Kirk.
- Hi, nice to see you.
- How's it going?
- Good to see you.
Nice to see you.
Kirk, what are we doing here?
Looking for my robber.
What'll you gentlemen have?
Look, we don't have time to order.
We just want to know
if you've seen anybody around here
who might be a vicious criminal.
What are you talking about?
His café was robbed.
He's trying to find out who did it.
Oh, you must be from the Minuteman.
See, they have heard about it.
Everybody's heard about it.
Yeah. We were talking, and we figured
whoever did it must be from out of town.
Why is that?
Well, because no one from this town
would go in there.
- Did you want anything on the menu?
- No.
- Let's go.
- Just give me one last shot at it.
- What are you gonna do?
- I'm not gonna do anything embarrassing.
I'm just gonna offer a reward
for any information
leading to the arrest, conviction
and execution of the person who did it.
Kirk, that's ridiculous.
It's ridiculous to make a plea for help?
Dick, these people, cruddy as they are,
are still my neighbors.
And around here, neighbors are
always willing to lend a hand.
People, hello.
Everyone, could you listen up, please,
just for a second?
Could you just listen up? Thank you.
As you may or may not know,
the Minuteman Café
was robbed last week.
(CHEERING)
(WHISTLING)
Say, would you teach me how to do that?
- Do what?
- Sew.
George, why do you want to learn
how to sew?
Well, every once in a while
I knock a button off of one of my shirts
and I'd like to be able to sew it back on.
- This is one of your shirts.
- Oh? Well, then, never mind.
There you are.
I thought you guys would've been back
hours ago.
How did the test go?
You know how a vampire
doesn't show up in a mirror?
Kirk doesn't show up
on a lie detector test.
What do you mean?
It was a waste of time.
The test didn't prove anything.
Well, if the test didn't prove anything,
what happens now?
Well, we don't know for sure,
but it doesn't look good.
2,000 hard-earned bucks down the drain.
Look, Kirk, I know you're feeling lousy,
but, ll mean, it's not the end of the world.
You know, you're right, Dick.
I feel totally better.
All right, I know it's a cliché,
but instead of feeling down,
just, you know, count your blessings.
Okay, let's count them.
I'm broke, I'm alone, I have no credibility,
and I'm good-looking.
That's one out of four.
You know, I've been listening to you
all day go on like this,
and I'm trying to be sympathetic,
but I think you're overlooking one thing.
I mean, this whole ordeal is your fault.
Let's give a hand
for the most insensitive man in America.
It's not insensitive, it's true.
This whole ordeal is the classic story
of the little boy that cried wolf.
What story is that?
You never heard the story
about the little boy that cried wolf?
Nope.
Well, it's a story
about this little shepherd boy,
and he was out watching over his lambs.
- His what?
- His lambs.
- You mean his sheep.
- Lambs are sheep.
Honey, there's no such thing
as a flock of lambs.
I didn't say flock.
It could have been a pair of lambs.
-1 always heard it was goats.
- All right, whatever.
Anyway, the point is he was out
watching over his herd of whatever,
and he was bored.
And he thought it'd be fun
to run into town
and tell everyone that he had seen a wolf.
- He cried, "Wolf."
- What?
Honey,. ll don't mean to interrupt,
but you said the little boy
went into town
and told everyone he'd seen a wolf.
Actually, he cried, "Wolf,"
and the whole town came running.
The way I heard it,
only his mother and father came running.
I thought everybody came running
right away.
What difference does it make?
If it doesn't make any difference,
why are you telling the story?
Just hear me out.
The little shepherd boy kept crying "wolf"
because he enjoyed fooling people.
But he had cried "wolf" so much
that when a wolf really came,
no one believed him
and no one came to help him.
Is there supposed to be a point to this?
- Yes, the wolf ate his lambs.
- Sheep.
Goats.
I thought the wolf ate the little boy.
I don't care if the wolf
ate the whole damn town.
I mean, the moral of the story is
that someone or something
somewhere, somehow,
got eaten by the wolf
because the little shepherd boy lied
and no one believed him anymore.
This is a religious story, isn't it?
No.
Don't you understand what he's saying?
If you lie all the time,
no one's gonna believe you.
Even if you're telling the truth?
That's right,
that's exactly what happened here.
All your chickens
have come home to roost.
Why are you suddenly obsessed
with livestock?
(EXCLAIMS)
Kirk, what Dick is trying to say
is that when you were telling all those lies
they may have seemed harmless,
but at a time like this, you see,
it's really important
that people believe you.
All right, just give me a second
to think about this.
You're saying the $2,0001 lost
is paying for all the hundreds
and hundreds and hundreds
of senseless and stupid lies I've told
in the course of my life?
-1 think that's right.
- It's not fair.
- Who said life was fair?
- That might have been me.
Now, let me get this straight.
You all know the story, right?
Yeah.
- Who told it to you?
- Our parents.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Can I use your phone, Dick?
- Sure.
(SIGHS)
Hi, Mom, this is Kirk.
Come on, don't start crying.
I know it's been a long time.
Since 1978?
Vermont.
Yeah, ll own a little café.
Look, ll don't have time to chit-chat.
Mom,
why didn't you ever tell me the story
about the little boy who cried wolf?
Well, they said it was a wolf.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Of course ll love you.
Do ll have to keep telling you that
over and over and over again
every five years?
I love you.
Stop what?
Stop hiding your figs under the toast.
Joanna, don't be silly.
I'm not hiding figs under my toast.
Well, what do you know, figs!
We talked about this before.
Now, you've gotta start eating better,
and that means getting more fruit
in your diet.
I don't like people telling me how to eat,
that's why I became a grownup.
He's not eating his figs.
I was saving them for dessert.
- Just try them, they're delicious.
-1 hate figs.
- They're full of vitamins.
-1 hate vitamins.
That's dumb.
Why would anybody hate vitamins?
Because they come in things like figs.
(PANTING)
Anything wrong?
I think I'm gonna faint.
I really think I'm gonna faint.
Stop clowning, Kirk.
Wait a minute.
- KIRK: Oh, God.
-1 don't think he's lying this time.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, no.
- Let's get him to a chair.
- Kirk! Kirk!
- What happened?
- Take it easy, take it easy.
- I'll get a cold towel.
- I'll get him some water.
I'll get him some figs.
JOANNA: Dick!
- Kirk, what's the matter?
- A man just held up my café.
- What?
- What? Was anyone hurt?
No, fortunately, being breakfast,
the place was empty.
Well, what happened?
This guy came into my café.
He looked like all my other customers,
hostile, nervous, trembling.
I said, "Can I help you?" He said, "Yeah."
Then he grabbed my radio off the counter
and threatened to hit me
over the head with it
if ll didn't give him all my money.
- He actually said that?
-1 think so.
All I could really hear
was Melissa Manchester
singing Don't Cry Out Loud.
How much money did he get?
All my life savings, $2,000.
$2,000? You said you were broke.
How did you save $2,000?
Same way as everybody else.
It was my tax refund.
Kirk, this is terrible.
Did you call the police?
No, no, I was too upset
to do anything like that.
You should call your insurance company.
Them, I called.
Well, then, just try to calm down.
You weren't hurt,
and your insurance company
will reimburse you for everything.
Il hope so. ll don't know.
I don't trust anyone anymore.
Kirk, it was just one incident.
You can't stop trusting people.
You don't know what it feels like
to be threatened like that.
I was terrorized, Dick.
There's no telling
what kind of psychological trauma
I may have suffered.
Right now, I'm afraid
to walk out on the street again.
- Kirk, is there anything ll can do?
- How about a movie?
Here you go.
You'll be in Room 8 and I'll have somebody
bring your bags up in a minute.
Thank you.
Oh, Dick, this is Mr. and Mrs. Powell.
They're spending
their honeymoon with us.
Oh, congratulations.
We hope you enjoy your stay here.
Thank you, I'm sure we will.
Well, here we go.
I always think that's so romantic.
Why didn't you ever carry me
over the threshold?
- We talked about that, remember?
- We did?
Yeah, I asked you if you wanted
to go through a basically sexist tradition
and probably the two of us
would look like idiots,
and you said, "I guess not."
Hi, I'm looking for the owner.
Hi, you found him.
Hi, Tom Carson,
World Mutual Home and Casualty.
Hello, Dick Loudon,
and we don't need any insurance.
Mr. Loudon, we're the insurance carrier
for the Minuteman Café.
I'm investigating the robbery
they had over there earlier this week.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Just making my report.
Need to ask a few neighbors
some routine questions
concerning Mr. Devane's character.
Well, I can certainly vouch for the fact
that he's a character.
Yeah.
How long have you known Mr. Devane?
Actually, not that long.
But during the time you have known him,
he's impressed you
as being pretty reputable?
Yes. Yes, he's pretty reputable.
Of course, you know,
it depends on your definition of reputable.
Would you say he is basically
an honest person?
Yes.
Basically.
I'm just trying to determine whether
or not Mr. Devane is an honest man,
and ll sense some evasiveness
on your part.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm certainly not trying to be evasive.
Well, then, would you please
just answer the question?
Yes or no?
- What question is that?
- Is Mr. Devane honest?
Look, I'm sure Kirk
didn't lie about the robbery.
Are you're saying
he lies about other things?
He fibs. He fibs for fun. He's a fun fibber.
Mr. Loudon,
what you're saying is very serious.
No, no, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
You're saying Mr. Devane can't be trusted.
I never said that.
Never said what?
Il never said that Kirk couldn't be trusted.
You say that all the time.
- Who's this?
- George Utley.
- Do you know Kirk Devane?
- Sure.
If you had to, would you describe him
as basically honest or basically dishonest?
Well, that depends.
On what?
Who are you?
This is Mr. Carson. He's investigating
the robbery at Kirk's café.
See, any time anyone claims to be robbed
and we don't know whether
or not they're telling the truth,
we have to investigate.
- Well, I know Kirk is telling the truth.
- How do you know that?
Well, because when Kirk told us about it,
Dick said,
I don't think he's lying this time.”
Well, I'd like to thank both of you
gentlemen very much for your help.
Mr. Carson, I hope we didn't give you
the wrong impression of Kirk.
Don't think so.
- Shoot.
- What's wrong?
Oh, I think I got Kirk in trouble.
1 feel like a traitor.
I feel like the worst kind of turncoat.
Oh, I feel the same way.
- Why? You didn't do anything.
- No, I meant about you.
- That was delicious.
- Thank you. Have a good day.
Thanks, we will.
Honey, I'm so glad you decided to let me
make you a healthy breakfast for a change.
Well, I guess one healthy breakfast
isn't going to kill me.
I know after you eat this,
you're going to have more energy
and you're going to feel better all day.
Good morning, Dick.
Good morning, George.
Would you pass the butter, please?
Thank you.
Would you pass the jam?
Would you pass the syrup, please?
(WHISTLING)
Thank you.
Do we have any powdered sugar?
I can't eat this.
All right, I'll get you a stack
of cholesterol and fat.
Do you want to explain to me
what happened over here yesterday?
Kirk, what are you talking about?
I'm talking about someone
singing like a canary
to the insurance investigator.
All right, Dick, here's your breakfast.
Oh, sure. Sing like a bird, eat like a pig.
- Is there a problem, Kirk?
- Problem?
When that investigator
left my cafe yesterday,
everything was fine.
Now he's snooping all over town,
asking people questions about me.
Apparently, someone
has led him to believe
I might not be telling the truth.
I guess that would be Dick.
Kirk, Dick didn't tell the investigator
anything he couldn't have heard
from 100 other people.
But he might not have talked
to 100 other people
if Dick hadn't told him I was a liar.
I only said you lied occasionally.
Couldn't you have stretched the truth?
That was stretching the truth.
Well, thanks to you, I'm trapped now.
What do you mean?
They've asked me
to drive up to Burlington this afternoon
to take a lie detector test.
- What's wrong with that?
- What if I don't pass?
Kirk, if you're telling the truth
about the robbery,
you have nothing to fear.
Dick, you know how I am.
There's something inside me
that won't allow me to tell the truth.
I'm just afraid if they hook me up
to that machine, I'll burst into flames.
All right, would it make you feel better
if I went along with you?
Are you volunteering
because you're my friend,
or because you feel guilty?
Because I feel guilty.
Kirk, if you want me to, I'll go with you.
Thank you, Leslie,
but I'd never drag someone I care about
down into this slimy, seamy mess.
I'll take Dick.
If I pass out, you won't let
my head hit the floor, will you?
Kirk, relax, it's gonna be fine.
This is all so sick, Dick.
Hooking people up to machines,
probing their minds,
injecting them with electrical impulses,
making them pay for parking.
Kirk, you don't have to go through this.
Il do if ll want to get what's rightfully mine.
The money I got
from cheating on my taxes.
Mr. Devane,
here's the water you asked for.
Thanks, could you throw it
on the machine?
He's joking.
And now, Mr. Devane, as I said before,
I'll be instructing you through the test.
You'll be asked a series of questions
in random order.
Your answers will be registered
according to your blood pressure,
respiration and skin response,
so it is important that you remain calm.
Calm, okay.
Remember, all of your responses
are to be yes or no.
KIRK: Yes or no.
- Do you understand?
- Yes.
Very well, let's begin.
- Is your name Kirk Devane?
- Yes.
- Are you a resident of Vermont?
- Yes.
- Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
- Yes.
- Are you in this country illegally?
- Yes.
Wait a minute.
Kirk, you're not even listening
to the questions.
- What?
- You're not listening to what he's asking.
What did he say?
Why don't we begin again?
Now, just relax and pay attention.
Relax. Okay, yes.
- Is your name Kirk Devane?
- Yes.
- Do you run the Minuteman Café?
- Yes.
Do you use illegal narcotics
on a regular basis?
Yes.
Wait a minute, he's doing it again.
I don't understand.
I'm not getting any variation.
You mean the machine
isn't registering that he's lying?
It barely registers anything.
The pins haven't moved.
According to this, he's in a coma.
Well, maybe the machine's broken.
No, it was working earlier today.
Would you mind answering
a few questions just to test it?
- Me?
- Well, it will only take a minute.
Here, just let me get you unfastened here.
There you go, you're free.
- Would you stand up, please?
- Yes.
- Kirk, would you hold my coat?
- Yes.
- This must be fascinating work.
- Yes.
Never taken a polygraph test before,
but then again, why would I?
What do they call you, polygraphers?
Polygraphists?
Lie guys?
The actual term is polygraph examiner,
but you can call me Polly.
There now, that does it.
Now, remember to relax.
Make all of your responses yes or no.
Right. I mean, yes.
Fine, then let's begin.
- Is your name Dick Loudon?
- Yes. No.
My friends call me Dick
but my name is Richard Loudon.
Just answer yes or no.
These aren't trick questions.
I'm sorry.
- Are you a resident of Vermont?
- Yes. No.
What I mean is, I live here now,
but I've only lived here
for a couple of months,
so I'm, you know,
not sure I'm a legal resident.
I'm doing it again, aren't I?
That's all right.
You do show that the instrument
is definitely working.
DICK: Then how do you explain his test?
I can't explain it.
For some reason,
he doesn't register on the polygraph.
What does this mean?
If he doesn't register,
it means there's nothing I can do
to support his claim.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too, Kirk.
Looks like the only way
I'm gonna get my money back now
is to go out and find the guy who stole it.
- How are you gonna do that?
- We'll ask around.
We'll start with the seediest place in town.
That would be your place.
Okay, we'll start
with the second seediest place.
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
- Kirk, this is crazy.
- It's not crazy.
This is the kind of place
where crummy people hang out.
- Hi, Kirk.
- Hi, nice to see you.
- How's it going?
- Good to see you.
Nice to see you.
Kirk, what are we doing here?
Looking for my robber.
What'll you gentlemen have?
Look, we don't have time to order.
We just want to know
if you've seen anybody around here
who might be a vicious criminal.
What are you talking about?
His café was robbed.
He's trying to find out who did it.
Oh, you must be from the Minuteman.
See, they have heard about it.
Everybody's heard about it.
Yeah. We were talking, and we figured
whoever did it must be from out of town.
Why is that?
Well, because no one from this town
would go in there.
- Did you want anything on the menu?
- No.
- Let's go.
- Just give me one last shot at it.
- What are you gonna do?
- I'm not gonna do anything embarrassing.
I'm just gonna offer a reward
for any information
leading to the arrest, conviction
and execution of the person who did it.
Kirk, that's ridiculous.
It's ridiculous to make a plea for help?
Dick, these people, cruddy as they are,
are still my neighbors.
And around here, neighbors are
always willing to lend a hand.
People, hello.
Everyone, could you listen up, please,
just for a second?
Could you just listen up? Thank you.
As you may or may not know,
the Minuteman Café
was robbed last week.
(CHEERING)
(WHISTLING)
Say, would you teach me how to do that?
- Do what?
- Sew.
George, why do you want to learn
how to sew?
Well, every once in a while
I knock a button off of one of my shirts
and I'd like to be able to sew it back on.
- This is one of your shirts.
- Oh? Well, then, never mind.
There you are.
I thought you guys would've been back
hours ago.
How did the test go?
You know how a vampire
doesn't show up in a mirror?
Kirk doesn't show up
on a lie detector test.
What do you mean?
It was a waste of time.
The test didn't prove anything.
Well, if the test didn't prove anything,
what happens now?
Well, we don't know for sure,
but it doesn't look good.
2,000 hard-earned bucks down the drain.
Look, Kirk, I know you're feeling lousy,
but, ll mean, it's not the end of the world.
You know, you're right, Dick.
I feel totally better.
All right, I know it's a cliché,
but instead of feeling down,
just, you know, count your blessings.
Okay, let's count them.
I'm broke, I'm alone, I have no credibility,
and I'm good-looking.
That's one out of four.
You know, I've been listening to you
all day go on like this,
and I'm trying to be sympathetic,
but I think you're overlooking one thing.
I mean, this whole ordeal is your fault.
Let's give a hand
for the most insensitive man in America.
It's not insensitive, it's true.
This whole ordeal is the classic story
of the little boy that cried wolf.
What story is that?
You never heard the story
about the little boy that cried wolf?
Nope.
Well, it's a story
about this little shepherd boy,
and he was out watching over his lambs.
- His what?
- His lambs.
- You mean his sheep.
- Lambs are sheep.
Honey, there's no such thing
as a flock of lambs.
I didn't say flock.
It could have been a pair of lambs.
-1 always heard it was goats.
- All right, whatever.
Anyway, the point is he was out
watching over his herd of whatever,
and he was bored.
And he thought it'd be fun
to run into town
and tell everyone that he had seen a wolf.
- He cried, "Wolf."
- What?
Honey,. ll don't mean to interrupt,
but you said the little boy
went into town
and told everyone he'd seen a wolf.
Actually, he cried, "Wolf,"
and the whole town came running.
The way I heard it,
only his mother and father came running.
I thought everybody came running
right away.
What difference does it make?
If it doesn't make any difference,
why are you telling the story?
Just hear me out.
The little shepherd boy kept crying "wolf"
because he enjoyed fooling people.
But he had cried "wolf" so much
that when a wolf really came,
no one believed him
and no one came to help him.
Is there supposed to be a point to this?
- Yes, the wolf ate his lambs.
- Sheep.
Goats.
I thought the wolf ate the little boy.
I don't care if the wolf
ate the whole damn town.
I mean, the moral of the story is
that someone or something
somewhere, somehow,
got eaten by the wolf
because the little shepherd boy lied
and no one believed him anymore.
This is a religious story, isn't it?
No.
Don't you understand what he's saying?
If you lie all the time,
no one's gonna believe you.
Even if you're telling the truth?
That's right,
that's exactly what happened here.
All your chickens
have come home to roost.
Why are you suddenly obsessed
with livestock?
(EXCLAIMS)
Kirk, what Dick is trying to say
is that when you were telling all those lies
they may have seemed harmless,
but at a time like this, you see,
it's really important
that people believe you.
All right, just give me a second
to think about this.
You're saying the $2,0001 lost
is paying for all the hundreds
and hundreds and hundreds
of senseless and stupid lies I've told
in the course of my life?
-1 think that's right.
- It's not fair.
- Who said life was fair?
- That might have been me.
Now, let me get this straight.
You all know the story, right?
Yeah.
- Who told it to you?
- Our parents.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Can I use your phone, Dick?
- Sure.
(SIGHS)
Hi, Mom, this is Kirk.
Come on, don't start crying.
I know it's been a long time.
Since 1978?
Vermont.
Yeah, ll own a little café.
Look, ll don't have time to chit-chat.
Mom,
why didn't you ever tell me the story
about the little boy who cried wolf?
Well, they said it was a wolf.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Of course ll love you.
Do ll have to keep telling you that
over and over and over again
every five years?
I love you.