Newhart (1982–1990): Season 1, Episode 17 - A View from the Bench - full transcript

I put your bags in the car
and brought it around front.

Thank you.

- Checking out?
- Yes.

Well, we're delighted you could share
some of your time with us.

You've all just been wonderful.

JOANNA: You take care
and you come back soon.

- Bye-bye.
- Absolutely.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

- Bye-bye.
- Nice people.

Nice seeing you.

- So long.
- Toodle-oo.



- Have a safe trip home.
- Right-o.

So who were the geezers?

Mr. and Mrs. Cooper.
They've been here a week.

They never stopped by my café once.

Mr. Cooper has a heart condition.
He has to watch what he eats.

And one greasy hamburger
and some fries would kill him?

All I'm saying is
there's nothing wrong with my food.

I eat it myself three times a day.

Speaking of food, how would you like
to have dinner here tomorrow night?

I'd kill to have dinner here
tomorrow night. What's the occasion?

- Dick's going to Boston.
- And you're celebrating?

- Of course I'm not celebrating.
- I'm going to miss him.

He's just going for a night out
with the boys.

I hope I don't smell divorce in the air.



He's going to a basketball game.

- Then what's all the fuss?
- There is no fuss.

What are you talking about?

I'm trying to plan
a dinner party tomorrow night,

and everybody's taking it wrong.

- Why are you planning a dinner party?
- Because you won't be here.

Well, I hate to ruin your party,
but ll may be here.

Oh...

What happened to the game?

I just got off the phone
with Tommy Winston,

-my best friend in New York.
- And?

You know, that stupid jerk
is gonna elope tomorrow night.

- Dick, that's wonderful.
- It's the most selfish thing I ever heard of.

- Getting married is selfish?
- That's because you don't know Tommy.

I mean, Tommy's always getting married.

And why did he have to pick
tomorrow night,

when Fred and I and Tommy had planned
a whole evening in Boston?

Now I have no one to go with.

- Joanna, Tommy and I are finished.
- Well, why don't just you and Fred go?

I called Fred.
He said it'd be no fun without Tommy.

Fred and ll are through, too.

- I'm sorry, honey.
- I mean, we have bench passes.

That is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You get to sit with them on the bench,

you get to listen to the inside information,
you get to hear them cuss.

And now the whole thing is ruined.
I mean, there's no one fun to go with.

Just a big, stupid, dumb disappointment.

Does anyone have a mirror?

I'd like to see
if I've suddenly become invisible.

Kirk, would you like to go to the game?

Gosh, no, Dick. I'd rather stay here
with Joanna and Leslie,

maybe talk about clothes and hair.

That's a sexist remark, Kirk.

And I hate myself for saying it.

- So how about it?
- Do you know anything about basketball?

Il know nothing about basketball,
but ll love Boston.

I've never been to Boston.

What are you trying to do, George,
worm an invitation out of Dick?

Not if he doesn't want me to go.

Hey, why don't all three of you go?

I've never seen a basketball game.

All right, the three of us will go.

Oh, boy, the Three Musketeers.

- When do we leave?
- Could we leave a little early,

so we could see the Liberty Bell?

(CLEARS THROAT)
George, we'd have to leave now

because the Liberty Bell is in Philadelphia.

I beg your pardon, Dick.
I've never been to Boston or Philadelphia.

Well, the game's at 7:30.
We could leave here at 3:00.

Great. I got a feeling this is gonna be
the best time I've ever had.

It's a dream come true for me.

Have fun, Dick. Any time the 76ers
play Boston it's a great game.

- How did you know who's playing?
- I'm a big Celtics fan.

I have been since the days of Bill Russell.

Maybe I should've asked you
if you wanted to go to the game.

No, that's okay.
I mean, it's fun for just the guys to go out.

Besides, this gives Joanna and me
a chance to do something really special.

- I've got it.
- What?

Why don't we go to a movie,

then, on the way home,
stop and have a hot fudge sundae?

Sixteen years and I still can't tame her.

- Right in the dining room.
- Thank you.

Well, we're ready to go to Boston.

Dick.

Kirk and George are ready to go.

I told you we'd leave at 3:00.

Well, this may seem silly to you,
but we're excited.

We've never been
to a professional basketball game.

I've never even been
to Massachusetts before.

Well, I guess we could leave a little early.
You wouldn't mind, honey?

- No.
- I'll get my coat.

(EXCLAIMING)

As soon as he gets his coat,
we're going to Boston.

I hope his coat is close to the door.

- Let's hit it.
- I'm ready.

Great, let's go.

Hey, how about these babies?

I bought them this morning.
Cost me 85 bucks.

They ought to bring the game really close.

- Kirk, we have bench passes.
- Where are they?

At the edge of the court,
six inches from the game.

Wanna buy these?
You'll see Boston sooner.

Say, thanks.

- I made you something to eat in the car.
- Great. Let me give you a hug.

Better, I'll save it for later.

- Have a wonderful time.
- Yeah, we'll try.

Bye, honey.

I'll never get used
to saying goodbye to you.

- Drive carefully.
-1 will now.

- We'll see you back later tonight.
- Okay.

- Have fun.
- Bye.

- DICK: So long.
- Bye.

KIRK: Bye.
GEORGE: Bye.

Well, the men are on their way.
What should we do?

- I don't know. What do you wanna do?
- Gee, ll don't know.

I think I'll get my bike out of the basement
and tighten the spokes.

(PHONE RINGING)

Stratford Inn.

Yes, we do. For tonight?
How many people?

Just one? Okay.
May I have your last name please?

Travanti.

T-R-AV-ANTA.

First name?

Daniel?

So that would be Daniel Travanti?

Yes, Mr. Travanti, we'll have
your room waiting when you arrive.

You're welcome. Bye.

- Daniel Travanti?
- That's what he said.

As in Daniel J. Travanti?

As in Captain Furillo?
As in Hill Street Blues?

- Do you think it's possible?
- Did he sound like Daniel Travanti?

Well, I don't know.
It sounded like it could've been him.

Wait a minute, we're being silly.

There has to be
more than one Daniel Travanti.

What do you think the chances are
that this is the Daniel Travanti?

I don't know. ll guess one in
however many Daniel Travantis there are.

But I'm willing to wait and see.

Put your bike away, Leslie.
I think we just found something to do.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Bench pass.

Well, this is it. The bench.

Well, the other seats have backs.

George, we're gonna sit with the players.

- Where do we sit?
- On the bench.

Do we lie down on the full length of it
or do we pick a specific spot?

Here at the end, I guess.

Well, this is really great.

It seems like if we were
sitting up higher we could see better.

George, most of the people here
would kill for these seats.

Well, this is my first time, Dick.

- When does the game start?
- Well, they're still warming up.

- Dick.
- What?

Is this gonna be here for the whole game?

Of course not, Kirk.
Kirk, these are great seats.

We're gonna have a completely
unobstructed view of the game.

They won't make one move on the court
that we can't see.

- Dick, are you all right?
- No, I got beer and hot dog all over me.

Hey, how about the ball?

I thought if they were thrown
in the stands you got to keep them.

That's baseball.
Will you throw him the ball?

Hey, are you okay?

No, he's got hot dog and beer all over him.

I'm sorry about that.

I thought you guys
were supposed to be pros.

You better get to the men's room,
get that mustard off before it stains.

Yeah, maybe you're right.
All right, I'll be back.

Don't forget where we're sitting.

I am sorry about that.

Don't worry about Dick,
he loves basketball.

Good. Good.

Are you one of the players?

Yeah.

- George Utley.
- Hi, George.

Say, would you mind
moving down a little bit?

Sure.

When do you play?

I'm not a starter.
I probably won't play at all.

Do you get paid even if you don't play?

- Oh, yeah.
- How much?

I make about $65,000 a year.

I'm from out of town.
Is that considered good money in Boston?

Okay, I'm back.

- How bad does it look?
- Not as bad as it smells.

Thanks, great.
George, you want to move down?

Yeah, okay.

I'm sorry, sir. The game's about to start.
You'll have to move on.

- Can't you see? I'm sitting on the bench.
- Yeah.

Do you have your bench pass?

I had a bench pass.
I took it off when I cleaned my jacket.

- I must have left it in the men's room.
- It's okay, he's with me.

- Not if he doesn't have a pass.
-1 had a bench pass.

Sorry, sir. If you can't show me
your bench pass you'll have to move.

- Now, wait a minute.
- You can use my pass, Dick.

I don't want your pass. I have my pass.

Why don't you just come with me,
and we'll get this cleared up?

- You stay here. I'll be right back.
- Don't forget where we're sitting.

MAN ON PA: And here's the tip-off!

(ALL CHEERING)

(SIGHING WITH RELIEF)

Okay, I'll keep a lookout and you change.

- Leslie, you look great.
- Oh, thanks.

Oh, Joanna, the cake turned out great.

Do you think we're acting like idiots?

I was thinking that
when I was brushing my hair.

- Yeah.
- And then I'd think,

"What if the Daniel Travanti
does show up?”

And then I'd brush my hair some more.

You know, I rarely get excited about stars.

But once in a great while one comes along
who you think is really neat.

And I think Daniel Travanti is really neat.

(EXCLAIMS) I don't think
there's anything wrong in that.

For years, I thought
that Robert Redford is really neat.

- I love Robert Redford and Peter O'Toole.
- Oh, yeah.

- Do you like Richard Gere?
- Oh, God, yes.

Me, too.

- So, we're not acting stupid?
- No.

You know, if Dick were here
he'd be laughing his head off.

I bet if Jacqueline Bisset were checking in
he'd be really excited.

I don't know if he'd change clothes for her.

- Who would he change clothes for?
- Jill St. John.

- Really?
- Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

If Jill St. John were checking into this inn,

Dick would shower, shave,
put on his best suit

and stammer like a school boy
the minute he saw her.

- Yes.
-1 think I just heard a car pull up.

Please don't be Dan. I haven't changed.

- Is it him?
- Oh, no. Just someone turning around.

Okay, I'm gonna run upstairs
and see if ll can find something to wear.

You know, Leslie,
we're gonna really feel stupid

if this guy shows up
and he's just an ordinary man.

Joanna, even if he is the Daniel Travanti,
he's still just an ordinary man.

You're right.

He puts on his pants one leg at a time
just like everybody else.

Oh, God, what would you pay to see that?

I hope the guys are enjoying their game.

If I know Dick,
he's having the time of his life.

(LOUD CHEERING)

(TIMER BUZZING)

- What happened?
- Time out. There's an injured player.

- What's the score?
-108 to 108.

- How much time left?
- Forty seconds.

Great, the most exciting game of the year
and ll spend it in a tunnel with a cop.

- Police officer.
- Excuse me.

I had a bench pass.

I've sat on the bench.
It's not that big a deal.

You never sat on the bench.

I did too. Last season.
We had Cleveland in here,

nobody showed up, sol sat on the bench.
It's not that big a deal.

- You can see.
- You can see.

I can see the tops of the players' heads
and one basket.

(TIMER BUZZING)

Look, the game's gonna be over
in a minute.

The players and the press will
be coming through.

You'll have to move back against the wall.

- You're kidding?
- No.

Mr. Loudon, you'll have to move
back farther than that.

And against the wall.

Now I can't see anything.

I'm sorry. Now do you promise to stay
there?

I swear on my bench pass.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

- Yeah.

- Hey, you got any more of those?
- Sorry.

Hey...

- You could have mine.
- No. No, thanks.

No, really.

You can have it.

Hey, buddy.

Thanks.

MAN ON PA: Ladies and gentlemen,

the Celtics thank you for
attending this evening.

Please drive carefully.

Who won? Who won?
Who won? Who won?

Wait. What was the score?
Who won? Who won?

- Hi, Dick.
- Boy, we sure missed you.

- Hey, where did you get the canoes?
- Never mind.

- What was the score?
-112 - 111.

- Who won?
- I don't know.

- What do you mean you don't know?
- I was enjoying the game.

- Kirk, who won?
- Beats me.

Well, you turned out to be great friends,
you know that?

I spend the entire game in a tunnel
with a cop and you don't know who won.

- Dick's mad at us.
-1 know.

- Hey, George, how's it going?
- Okay.

Hey, if you guys want
to come into the locker room,

come on, you should meet all the players.

- Do you want to go to the locker room?
- It might be fun.

Do you think he meant for Dick
to go into the locker room?

He was looking at all of us when he said it.
Of course he meant me.

Now let's go in.

Hey, where you guys going?

- The locker room.
- Not without a bench pass.

Look, I missed the whole game,

at least ll can go in there
and watch them snap some towels.

Not without a pass.

All right, why don't you guys go ahead?
I'll wait out here.

We'll only be a minute.

- Hey. Who won?
- Where have you been?

- Here.
- Celtics. We killed them.

You didn't kill them.
You only won by one point.

Stupid bird.

(GASPS)

- Is it him?
- No, it's only Dick.

- What's going on?
- We thought you were Daniel J. Travanti.

I guess if you're groggy
and the light hits me just right.

No, Dick. He called just after you left.
He wanted a room for tonight.

Daniel Travanti called here
and wanted a room?

Well, someone named Daniel Travanti
called, but he never showed up.

And you've been sitting here all night
waiting for him?

Well, we haven't been
sitting here all night.

Yeah. We spent most of it getting ready.

- So how was the game?
- Fine.

- Did you sit on the bench?
- Yeah, ll sat on the bench.

- And you got to meet the players?
- Yeah, one of them gave me his shoes.

- Why did he do that?
- It's a custom.

Professional golfers sometimes,
when they win a tournament,

you know, they'll throw their ball
into the crowd.

Professional basketball players,
they throw their shoes.

Since when?

Since tonight.
Really, I'd rather not talk about it.

Okay.

- Hi.
- Hi, George.

Dick was just telling us about the game.

Did he tell you
that he missed the whole thing?

No.

Did he tell you that he had to stay
in the tunnel with a policeman?

JOANNA: No.

Did he tell you that he yelled at me?

- You yelled at George?
- No.

- Did too.
- Did not.

See?

- So, George, how was Boston?
- Well, it's beautiful.

And the basketball stadium is huge
and I'd love to go back sometime.

But maybe not with Dick.

Sounds like
nobody had a very good time tonight.

I want to wake up
in the city that doesn't sleep

You know,
there are no great songs about Boston.

-1 thought you went home.
-1 did. But I'm still so wired from the trip.

I thought I'd come over here
and finish my pizza.

Look, we're all tired.
I think we're gonna go to bed.

Why don't you turn out the lights
and lock up?

- Okay. Can I bum a glass of milk?
- Don't you have any milk at your café?

Yes, but as we all can see,
I'm not at my café.

Sure. Help yourself.

Well, Dick, in spite of our differences,
I had a wonderful time.

- I'm glad, George.
- Yeah. Let's do it every year.

Let's play it by ear.

- Do you know who you look exactly like?
- Who?

I'll tell you when I think of it.

I have a reservation.

Well, the innkeeper's gone to bed,
but what the heck? I'm drinking his milk,

I can check you in.

Okay.

How do they do this in the movies?

- You have to sign the register.
- Okay.

Good. And you'll need a key.

Okay. Thank you.

That's Room 8
at the top of the stairs, Mr...

I just thought of who you look like.

Could you wait right here
while I wake everyone up in town?

Listen.

I have to be up at the crack of dawn.
I really need a few hours sleep. So...

Okay, look, just do me one favor.

I own the Minuteman Café next door.

Before you leave tomorrow, if you
just could come over for five minutes

so I could get a picture of you
pretending to eat my food.

Sure.

See you tomorrow, Captain.

And, hey, let's be careful up there.