Newhart (1982–1990): Season 1, Episode 16 - Ricky Nelson, Up Your Nose - full transcript

Looks good.

(LESLIE CHUCKLES)

Boy, these bags are heavy.

I don't know how you carried them
all these years.

Wait till they're packed.

You guys must be really excited
about this writers' conference.

Excited? Three days in New York,
the most dynamic city in the world,

brushing elbows with some of
the great writers of our time.

"Excited"” can't begin to describe
the feelings I'm feeling.

What does?

Real excited.



That's why we are leaving tonight.

We want to have a free day
just to enjoy the city again.

Now, would either of you want anything
from New York?

- No, thank you.
- I'd like a hammer.

- You have a hammer.
- Not from New York.

George, I'm not going to bring you
a hammer.

Well, what else do they have in New York?

- They have anything you want.
- want a hammer.

Dick, if he wants a hammer...

All right, if he wants a hammer,
I'll bring him a hammer.

Thanks. I'll take these upstairs.

Boy, these are heavy.

Are you two sure
you're gonna be all right here?

We'll be fine.
You just go and have a great time.



You won't be hearing from us
unless there's an unexpected disaster.

JOANNA: Okay.

- Well, hi, everybody.
- What's the matter?

Oh, nothing.

I just came by to ask if anyone
can run my cafe for the next few days.

We're driving to New York tonight
for a writers' conference.

I didn't know anything about it.

You certainly did. I stood here a couple
of days ago and told you the whole story.

I probably had my mind
on something else.

(SIGHS)

Kirk, why do you need someone
to run your café?

If I tell you, everyone has to promise
not to cry or get hysterical.

I think we can promise that.

I'm going in the hospital tomorrow
for surgery.

- What for?
- My nose.

What's the matter with it?

Oh, God.

Well, seeing as we are all good friends,
I guess I can tell you.

When I was just a kid,

my older sister's favorite singer
was Ricky Nelson.

She had his face on a charm bracelet,

and like any normal American boy when
it came to dealing with my older sister,

I was totally sadistic.

What are you talking about?

One day when she wasn't looking,

I took her favorite charm
and hid it where she'd never find it.

Kirk, would you please get to the point?

I've got Ricky Nelson up my nose.

Kirk, of all the stories
you have ever told us,

that may be the most preposterous.

I don't know. I've heard of that.

You know,
people going through their whole life

with a coin up their nose or an olive pit.

I heard about one guy
who had a tiddlywink up his nose.

- See, it's not that unusual.
-1 didn't say that.

There are four billion people in the world,
I have heard of maybe five like you.

I can't believe you lived with this
all these years.

Do you realize how lucky you are
that nothing serious has happened?

I'm going in the hospital tonight
for an operation tomorrow.

What do you people call serious?

I wish there was something
that we could do.

There is. You could look after my café.

We told you we're going
to a writers' conference.

- You could cancel.
- We don't want to cancel.

Okay, I'll find someone else.
How about driving me to the hospital?

Kirk, I'll drive you to the hospital.

Are you sure you can steer
with my head on your lap?

Kirk, you can drive yourself
to the hospital.

You don't want to do anything for me,
do you?

Can't you see I'm scared?

I've never been in a hospital before.

I don't have anyone to turn to.

Please take care of me.

Dick, honey, we really don't
have to be there a day early.

Once we know he's fine,
we could leave tomorrow morning

and still get there in time for cocktails
and dinner tomorrow night.

I guess you're right.
I just don't wanna miss anything.

We won't.

I hope you appreciate
what good friends we are.

Are you kidding? You're about
the best friends a guy could have.

Well, best friends would cancel their trip
and run my cafe.

But you're that close.

In 20 years of nursing,

ll have seen hundreds of people
faint at the sight of blood,

but this is the first time I have ever seen
anyone faint at the sight of a gift shop.

Do you feel strong enough
to change into your hospital gown?

I'll try.

Thanks, that helped.

The doctor ordered this.

It will help you relax
and get a good night's sleep.

Kirk, can we unpack your suitcase for you?

KIRK: Thank you.

There's nothing in here but paper.

KIRK: Well, I didn't wanna leave everything
just lying around in a safe deposit box,

so I brought it with me.

You brought your birth certificate,

your tax return, car registration,

and an autograph from George Harrison.

How did you get that?

- KIRK: I did a favor for him once.
- Really? What?

He asked me to leave him alone, so I did.

- How are we doing in there?
- I'm not coming out in this.

You're supposed to be getting in bed.

I just made it!

I'll be back to check on you later.

- Are you comfortable?
- Yes.

- Let's go.
- You're leaving?

Relax, you'll be fine.

Could someone at least stay with me
until I fall asleep?

Leslie?

Oh, well, if you're really that scared,
I'll stay a little while and then take a cab.

Okay. Good luck.

We'll check on you in the morning
before we leave for New York.

KIRK: Oh, Dick, Dick,

just one more thing
before the goofballs kick in.

What?

I know you've been reluctant to help me,

but I did find somebody else
to look after the café,

and I took the liberty of telling them
to call you before you leave,

if they need anything.

I thought if it wasn't too much trouble,
you could answer your phone.

- Sure.
- One more thing.

I know the odds of anything going wrong
are one in a trillion,

but just on the fluke chance
the doctor's a butcher,

promise me something.

What?

On the bottom of my suitcase
you'll find my telephone bill.

If I don't make it, don't mail it.

Dick, are you gonna be happy with me.

- Why's that?
-1 just saved you $40.

I fixed the washing machine.

I didn't know there was anything wrong
with it.

Neither did ll. Joanna told me.

Well, what was the matter with it?

Well, it's just too technical to explain.

Well, you know,
I'm kind of mechanically minded.

No, I meant for me.

Dick, I just spoke to Leslie at the hospital.

Kirk's out of the operating room
and everything's fine.

Great. Let's go. If we leave now,
we'll be there in time for cocktails.

Joanna, guess what?
I fixed the washing machine.

George, it was the dryer.

Oh, boy.
Hope I can fix it before my shirts get done.

- Okay, you're ready. Let's go.
- George, do you know where to reach us?

Joanna, you have written down
everything for George

he has to know about us, about the inn,
and about life in general.

Honey, I'm just making sure
that everything is all right.

Everything is gonna be fine. Now let's
get out of here before we get stuck again.

(PHONE RINGING)

That's exactly what I mean. George,
get that. We're on our way to New York.

Hello. Just a second. Dick, it's for you.

Thanks, George.

Hello.

Yes, Kirk mentioned you might be calling.

It's the people he got to work for him
in the cafe.

What's the problem?

You can't get in.

Well, I thought Kirk said something
about hiding a key.

Where have you been looking?

Well, don't you think it would be smarter
to look near the cafe?

All right, listen, I have an extra key here.
I'll be right over with it.

I know I have heard that voice before.

Hello?

Hello?

(LOUD THUDDING)

(METALLIC CLANKING)

(UTENSILS CLATTERING)

Oh, no. It's you.

Hi. I'm Larry, and this is my brother Darryl
and that's my other brother Darryl.

I know who you are.

I thought you said you couldn't get in.

We climbed up on the roof

and came down through the chimney,
over the grill.

This may be a stupid question,
but once one of you were inside...

why didn't he let the other two in
through the door?

Oh, we thought of that.

But we fought too much over who would
get to crawl down the chimney.

Do you... Do you know anything
about running a café?

Well, as we understand it,
people ask for food and we give it to them.

Yes, that's basically it.

Do you know where the food is?

Oh, yeah. Right here. Got lucky
on the way over. Darryl clubbed a weasel.

What do they actually do
at a writers' conference?

Well, all these writers get together
and they exchange ideas,

and they hold workshops,
and they attend lectures

and just generally share with their peers
ways and means of improving their craft.

- Gee, and they can do all that in two days?
- They can do all that in one morning.

They spend the rest of the time
making water balloons

and short-sheeting the beds.

Ah! There you are. All set?

Yeah, I would have been back sooner.
You'll never guess who's running the café.

- Who?
- Larry, Darryl and Darryl.

You're kidding.

Honey, do you think we should leave
for New York with them over there?

With them over there,
I think we should leave

even if we weren't going to New York.

All right, if we step on it, we can get there
in time for the shrimp cocktail.

(PHONE RINGING)

Should I answer that?

Oh, I may as well.
It's probably Larry, Darryl and Darryl

wanting a recipe for weasel.

Hello? Oh, hi, Larry.

Hi, Darryl.

Hi, Darryl.

I'm fine.
Would you put Larry back on, please?

Hi, Larry. I'm fine.

Larry, I'm kind of in a hurry.
What's the problem?

The lunch crowd.

Kirk doesn't have a lunch crowd.

I was just over there. The place is empty.

All right, I'll be right over.

Now what's the matter?

He says they're swamped.

I don't know. They probably saw
their reflection in a glass,

and they think there are
three more people over there.

All right, you get in the car
and I'll be right back.

Okay.

I'll call you
if I have any last-minute questions.

Where are you staying?

DICK: It's on the list!

Where's the list?

Oh, swell!

What are you doing here?

- Are you Devane?
- I'm Loudon.

I'm Dick Loudon.

We're looking for Devane.

- What's he done?
- He's supposed to make us lunch.

I don't understand.

Devane has a contract with the state
to provide one hot meal

the first Tuesday of every month
to prisoners in transit.

I see.

I take it Kirk didn't tell you
anything about this.

All right. It's no big problem.
Just start frying up some burgers.

State law requires that in addition
to the meat course,

prisoners be served two fresh vegetables,
green salad, bread and butter.

I see.

Most of your prisoners
will prefer your wheat bread.

- ALL: Yeah!
- Easy, easy, easy!

- Do you guys have all of this?
- We got the meat.

- By meat you mean ground beef, right?
- Right.

What about the vegetables?

All we could find was a carrot,
and Darryl ate that.

Look, since Kirk isn't here, why don't you
go to some other place this time?

I'm afraid we can't do that.
State's already paid Devane.

Well, that figures.

Look, I feel bad about this, but...

I know you're all on your way to prison,

but see, I have to be in New York
for this cocktail party.

Let me see what I can do.

Joanna, honey, you want to come in here
a minute, and turn off the car,

and lock it.

My wife's waiting in the car.

We were on our way to New York
for this...

This writers' conference.

I don't know how many of you
are interested in writing.

I write mostly, you know,
informational-type books.

You know, just general ways
of enhancing your environment.

And so, what are you fellas interested in?

(ALL EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)

Knock it off! Knock it off!

Dick, who are these gentlemen?

Well, these men are being transferred to
a maximum security facility up north.

It seems that Kirk has some kind of deal
with the state to feed them.

Yeah, this will probably be the last meal
they have outside of prison.

Well, this food should make the transition
a lot easier.

These are their nutritional requirements.

Where's fruit?

Honey, if it doesn't say fruit,
they don't need fruit.

And, look, if ll go shopping,

how long would you say it would take
to feed them and get them out of here?

Well, I'll hurry as fast as I can.

Would it be too much trouble to ask you
guys to scrape the grease off the griddle?

Trouble? Grease is our middle name.

- Well, I'll go shopping.
- I'll go with you.

Any vegetable that you all like?

- Chocolate cake.
- ALL: Yeah!

Darryl?

Would you mind helping me
clear the dishes?

- That was a delicious meal, ma'am.
- Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

If my mother could have cooked like you,
I never would have killed her.

How are we doing for time, honey?

Oh, forget it.
We may as well not even go now.

Why not?

We missed the dinner
and the cocktail party.

All that are left are
the stupid lectures and workshops.

All right, men. Take one last look
at civilization, and let's get out of here.

You know,
I just can't help rubbing it in sometimes.

By the way, I appreciate your help,
and you'll tell Devane what happened.

Oh, yeah, he'll hear about it.

(SCOFFS)

There go the dregs of humanity.

Leslie, could you cut my food?

It's an egg, Kirk.

What are you doing here? I thought
you were at a teachers' conference.

- Writers' conference.
- Excuse me, I have had an operation.

- So what are you doing here?
- We never left.

I can see that.
Dick, they didn't give me a lobotomy.

I meant, what happened?

Some of your friends from prison
dropped by the café.

Was yesterday the first Tuesday
of the month?

- You know darn well it was.
- I'm sorry, Dick. I forgot.

But if I had told you in advance,
would you've still bailed me out?

- Probably.
- Then what's the big deal?

Look, if it makes any difference,
I'm sorry you missed your...

- Whatever it was in New York.
- Writers' conference.

But we're still going to New York
for a few days.

- When?
- We're leaving right from here.

- And I've got to get back to school.
- You're leaving, too?

Kirk, I have classes,
and ll have to help George run the inn.

What about me?
I'll be here all alone with nothing to do.

No, you won't. Guys.

- What is this?
- We're your sunshine squad.

Yeah, the guys thought maybe you might
be a little tired of hospital food, you know,

so they brought you something special.