Newhart (1982–1990): Season 1, Episode 15 - Breakfast Theatre - full transcript

- Hi, Dick, busy?
- As a matter of fact, yeah.

Too busy to listen to a man who's about
to change the course of his entire life

and, in so doing,
perhaps change the course of your life

and the lives of every person
in the free world?

Afraid so.

{SIGHING) What are you
talking about, Kirk?

Leslie is taking me to register
for some college courses.

Dick, I'm going back to school.

Is this another one of your stupid ploys
to be near Leslie?

You bet.

And I'm counting on you,
as a fellow guy, not to tell her.



You know, you need a bachelor's degree
to enroll in Leslie's classes.

So?

- Do you have one?
- Not officially.

Have you ever been to college?

I've taught college,
I've never actually attended.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- There you are.
- KIRK: Hi.

- Hi, I'm all set.
- Great.

- Did Kirk tell you the news?
- Yeah.

- Can you believe he's doing this?
- Oh, yeah.

Well, let's go. First place we'll stop
is the admissions office.

Boy, it'll be great to be back
in one of those again. Nothing.

(DINGS)

(DINGING CONTINUES)



(BELL DINGING)

- George, what are you doing?
-1 just fixed your bell.

-1 didn't know it was broken.
- Well, you wouldn't.

I mean, that's the funny thing about bells.

To know they're broken, what you've
got to do is hear them not ringing.

-1 guess that's true.
- Well, take the bell on your phone.

Every minute it's not ringing could be
a warning that the phone is broken.

You've thought about this a lot,
haven't you, George?

It's my job, Dick.
You don't pay me to putter.

By the way, who's Manny Silver?

Manny Silver is a comic I knew
years ago in New York.

- You've heard me talk about him.
- Doesn't ring a bell.

He actually gave me my start.

When I first started out, I was, you know,
trying to sell anything I could

-and I sold him a couple of jokes. Why?
- He's coming to visit.

You're kidding.

Nope, he tells you everything right there
in that postcard.

- Oh, boy.
- You don't sound happy.

It's Joanna that isn't gonna be happy.
She can't stand him.

That doesn't sound like the Joanna I know.

That's because you don't know Manny.

Oh, George, could you take this out
to the back porch for me?

- Sure.
- Thanks.

While I'm at it,
I'll check that back doorbell.

I haven't heard that ring lately, either.

Honey, I don't mean to upset you, but
you'll never guess who is coming to visit.

- Manny Silver.
- That's incredible.

Some people are great surgeons,
some are great singers,

I have this gift for knowing
when Manny Silver is coming.

Honey, I know you don't like him,

but, I mean, after all,
he did give me my start.

He bought seven lousy jokes
at a dollar apiece, over 20 years ago,

and you've been paying him back
ever since.

The point is, it was the first time
I was ever paid to write.

I mean, it encouraged me.

And without Manny,
I might never have written my first book.

Honey, you had
So You Want To Plant Plums in you

long before you met Manny Silver.

- He's only gonna be here for a day or two.
- How do you know that?

Because some people are great surgeons,
some people are great singers,

I happen to have a gift for knowing
when you'll throw Manny Silver out.

I heard a car. Is it Manny?

Yeah. Joanna.

- Okay, I'll say hello.
- Try to be nice to him.

Honey, just promise me that
whatever he asks for this time,

you won't go along with it.

He isn't going to ask for anything,
and I promise.

I just wish you'd understand

your being a successful writer
has nothing to do with Manny Silver.

And no one knows that better than Manny.

(LAUGHING)

Will you look what seven jokes will buy?

Seven jokes, 25 books
and 18 years of hard work.

Joanne.

Joanna.

- Dick, bubele, how are you?
- How are you, Manny?

I couldn't be better. The way you live,
this country, all those trees.

I saw a dog have a nervous breakdown.

But seriously.
There's someone here ll want you to meet.

Corinne Nesbit, two of my best
and dearest friends,

- Dick and Joanne Loudon.
- Let's not be formal, call me Joanna.

- Corinne travels with me.
- Well, congratulations.

- Thank you.
- We met in Miami.

She worked at a bank.

She turned down my loan,
but she approved me.

(LAUGHING)

Well, it must be very exciting,
traveling with Manny.

Yes.

Did you travel a lot before?

No.

Well, it's nice to have you here.

Thank you.

She makes life on the road a lot brighter.

I can see how she would.

Well, you and Dick must have
a lot of catching up to do.

I'm going to make some coffee.

Corinne, would you like
to give me a hand?

No, thank you.

So, what does a guy got to do
to get the nickel tour around here?

- Not much. Corinne, you wanna join us?
- No, thank you.

She's seen a lot of hotels, Dick.

Well, we're pretty proud of this place.
What part would you like to see first?

Well, if you have a dining room,
let's look at that.

Dick, incredible. What workmanship.

Imagine, a whole room made out of wood.

- Yeah, well, it was built in 1774.
-1 thought it looked old.

You know what ll think our forefathers
must have had in mind

when they built this place?

- What?
- Dinner theater.

Dinner theater?

Yeah, you take a joint like this out
in the sticks, you throw up a stage,

you serve a little food, I do my act.

Speaking of food,
why don't I show you upstairs?

I'm not kidding you, Dick. A few cocktails,
some weenies on toothpicks,

that's all you'd need.

- Let me show you your room.
- This is my room.

I could knock 'em dead in here.

- Manny.
- Dick, all I'm asking is one night.

To tell you the truth, I don't think
that people around here would go for it.

Dick, I need the work.
The clubs are drying up.

What's one night going to hurt?
If it doesn't work, I'm gone.

- What if it does work?
- I'm here indefinitely.

I just thought maybe you'd go for it

because, you know,
I gave you your start and everything.

Manny, for the sake of our friendship,
please don't ask me to go along with this.

I'm asking.

I'm going along.

Dick, you want to get your camera,
so we can have our picture taken by this?

Look, I know it's tacky, Joanna,
but you don't have to be snippy.

I'm not being snippy.
And ll don't know why you think

that a garish cardboard cutout
of Manny Silver looks tacky

in the lobby of a tasteful,
charming New England inn.

See, again I'm hearing snippy in there.

It's just that I knew this would happen.

If you're angry,
I'd prefer you'd just come out with it.

- Let's just save it till Manny leaves, okay?
- Better, let it fester.

- It is so stupid.
- What's stupid?

You're stupid.

Looks like the first day at school
went well.

Do you know what classes
he signed up for?

Whatever was next door
to what I'm taking.

- That was just a coincidence.
- A coincidence?

What kind of curriculum do you call
Portuguese, Afro-American Studies,

Quantum Chemistry and Dance?

Diverse.

(EXCLAIMING)

Leslie, I know he's frustrating,
but you don't have to scream.

I'm not screaming at him.
I just saw this sign.

In that case, I'd say
you were remarkably restrained.

You let him put this in the lobby?

We put it in the lobby.
He had it on the curb.

Well, how do ll look?

- Flashy.
- Thanks.

- How's the house?
- Thin.

Well, it's only 7:55.

Corinne, I want you to take a picture of
the three of us in front of the sign, okay?

Dick, you on my left,
and, Joanne, I want you on my right.

Okay? All set, sweetheart?
No, no, to the right of the sign.

Oh, yes. You ready, babe?
Okay, now, everybody smile.

Fabulous!

I set out those little candles on the tables,
like you asked me to.

They look real snazzy.

Oh, great, George. ll always thought
that little candles on the table

give a room that certain Vegas touch.

That's what we strive for
here at the Stratford.

That certain Vegas touch.

Yeah, I still get goosebumps when
ll see a club full of those little candles.

But then, I'm a sap.

Well, listen, ll don't mind if they start
coming in late. Why don't we get started?

- Are you two kids coming?
- We wouldn't miss it.

Can I call this a date?

Is it okay if I come?

Of course. You know what they say,
the more people, the less empty.

Show business has a language
all its own, doesn't it?

Well, Manny, for what it's worth,
good luck.

Yeah. Yeah, listen.

I wonder if you would do me
one more favor.

Really?

Ordinarily, I could walk out cold
because they'd know me,

but being that this is New Hampshire
and everything...

- Vermont.
- Whatever. The woods.

I wrote out this special introduction
and I'd appreciate it if you'd read it for me.

I can't make out this one word.

"Magnificence."

Of course. "Comic magnificence."

You want me to do this now?

Yeah, ll just want a moment alone
to psych myself up.

Showtime!

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

Good evening.
"Welcome to the Wood Room

“of the Stratford Inn
in fabulous downtown..."

Wait a minute. Oh, I see. All right.

"Welcome to the Wood Room
of the Stratford Inn

"in fabulous downtown.

"Once or twice in a generation,
there explodes upon the scene

"a talent almost too large to be contained

"in a single human being."

Let me just skip ahead
a couple of paragraphs here.

"So let's put our mitts together
and give a warm New...”

Make that "A warm Vermont welcome
to the comic magnificence

“of Manny Silver.”

(PLAYING DRUM ROLL)

Oh, thanks. Thank you, thank you.

Boy, I wanna tell you how great
it is to be here tonight.

This is really great. And great to be back.
How about a drink for the funny guy?

We don't serve drinks.
We don't have a license.

1 drive and I don't have a license.

(PLAYS DRUM)

I'm only kidding. But seriously,

I stopped drinking anyway.
I gave it up for health reasons.

My bartender died.

You really look like a great crowd.
Where's everybody from?

- I'm from Vermont.
- Vermont. Great.

How about you folks,
where do you come from?

- Philadelphia.
- Philadelphia. Hey, Philly, a great town.

You know what I hate about New York?
The muggers.

I mean, I don't know about you,
but they drive me crazy.

I've been held up so many times,
I've got tan armpits.

Is this a standing ovation, sir, or are you
just getting up to adjust your shorts?

What can I tell you, Dick?
I guess he just doesn't like your company.

I'm only kidding. My good friend,
ladies and gentlemen, Dick Loudon.

Manny, it isn't working.

Great, a heckler!

Excuse me, sir, is that your head
or are you blowing a bubble?

Manny, stop.

- Why?
- Manny, this isn't a fair test for you.

It was before you broke my rhythm.

Why doesn't everybody go in the lobby,
and I'll help Manny blow out the candles?

Gee, I really liked his show,

but could be I'm just blinded
by all the flash and dazzle.

I don't understand what you're doing.

Manny, we both saw what happened.
We don't have to spell it out.

What happened?

It didn't work.

Oh.

Well,

{(STUTTERING) I appreciate
what you tried to do for me, Dick.

I won't bother you anymore.

Manny, you know, it was no bother.

Well, all the same.

I'll be up and out of here
first thing tomorrow morning.

- What happened?
-1 had to tell him the truth.

How'd he take it?

Well, you know Manny,
he tried to put up a front, but

maybe, for the first time in his life,
he couldn't do it.

I saw real feelings.

How about I dump Corinne?

- Morning, Leslie. Morning, everybody.
- Hi, Dick.

Have you seen Manny?

He and Corinne were down earlier,
but they went back upstairs.

Wonder if he feels any better this morning.

Honey, I know the position you're in,
but don't worry, Manny will bounce back.

One bad show's not gonna kill him.

- How do you know that?
- He'd have been dead long ago.

(DRUM PLAYING)

That was a good one.

What's going on?

Sounds like
somebody's playing the drums.

At 8:00 in the morning?

Thank you, folks, and welcome to

a brand-new feature here
at the Stratford Inn.

Breakfast theater.

- What's he doing?
- Bouncing back.

How's everybody feeling this morning?
It's a beautiful day, isn't it?

Everybody feeling good?
I wanna talk to you about sex.

- Manny.
- Dick, don't worry. I haven't forgotten you.

Ladies and gentlemen,
a good friend of mine

and the man who insisted
that ] be here, Dick Loudon.

And his wife, Joanne.

Have you noticed that hookers
are getting more expensive lately?

Am [ right, Dick?

- Dick, you've got to stop him.
- How? ...

(DRUM PLAYING)

I can't embarrass him.

What about embarrassing all those
people out there and ourselves?

All right...
All right, I'll see if ll can get his attention.

But I'm not gonna humiliate him
by making an announcement

in front of all those people.

So I said, "Spit out the cat
and I'll give you back your dollar.”

- Manny, could I speak to you for a minute?
- Not now, Dick.

You didn't tell me that
this is when you draw a crowd.

- What is this?
- Manny, we have to talk.

Can we go in my study?

Yeah, sure, but wouldn't it be easier
if we just ask Corinne to leave?

-1 was trying to be polite.
- Yeah, I understand that. Corinne.

Look, Manny,

-you're gonna have to face reality.
-1 know what you wanna say.

I have to adjust my material
for this morning crowd.

You know, I do a lot of
sophisticated wordplay,

and these people just are
not awake enough or drunk enough.

(STUTTERING) Manny,
I'm trying to help you.

- Maybe I can find you some work.
- You could do that?

Maybe not as a comic,

but I'm sure we can find you something,
you know, if you need money.

Who said anything about needing money?

- You said you needed to work.
- I do, but ll don't need money.

I need money like I need a new act.

I don't understand.

Dick, I love to make people laugh.
I need to make people laugh.

It's not what I do, it's who ll am.

I just have to find the right spot.
I thought this might be it.

It's not. I'll just keep looking.

Manny, if you have money,
why don't you build your own spot?

You mean, like open up my own club?

Too risky. I could lose a lot of money.

Yeah, but you got money.
What you need is an audience.

This is true.

My own place.

Manny's.

No, classier. Silver's.

Hey, Dick, you're about the greatest friend
a guy ever had.

And to show you how great
I really think you are,

I'm gonna let you be
the first one to invest.

How much you gonna put in?

Seven dollars. Now we're even.

(CHUCKLES)

Bubele.

Where's Joanne?
Before I go, I want to say goodbye.

Joanne... Joanna.

Manny's leaving.
He wanted to say something to you.

Oh.

Goodbye.

And you don't like him?