Newhart (1982–1990): Season 1, Episode 14 - What Is This Thing Called Lust? - full transcript
Leslie's cousin is about to be wed and has set her lustful sights on next-door Kirk for some passion in her life.
- Hi, Dick.
- Hi, Kirk.
Got any old furniture or books?
- I'm not sure. What do you want them for?
- I'm out of firewood.
- Why don't I give you some logs?
- Fine.
You know, I notice
people almost never sit on this.
No, Kirk.
Hi, Dick. Hi, Kirk. I'm glad you're here.
Sound the trumpets, call the mayor,
Leslie's glad I'm here.
I'm glad you're here because
I'm going to bring Stephanie down,
and ll want you to meet her.
- Hmm. Who's Stephanie?
- My cousin.
She came in late last night
and she's going to spend
a couple days with us.
But she's really depressed.
She was supposed to be getting married
and now she's having second thoughts.
So she decided to come up here
and think things out.
I know you'll all be wonderful for her.
We'll do everything we can.
No, not me.
I don't like to be around depressed people.
Fine, but she's my favorite cousin,
and I'm going to be with her every minute.
Well, then again, I've been meaning to
spend more time with depressed people.
- Hi, Kirk.
- Hi.
- Honey...
- KIRK: George.
I'm so excited.
Guess what George just told me?
That you have the bluest eyes,
reddest lips,
and the cutest nose he's ever seen.
What a nice thing to say.
Yeah, I never would have thought of that.
George can get us a piano
for practically nothing.
George can get us a lot of things
we don't need.
Oh, honey, don't you think
it would be great to have one in the lobby?
There's just something about a piano
that warms up a room.
You always said that about a fireplace.
That's what my mother always said
about an iron.
JOANNA: What about it, Dick?
- Well, who's gonna play it?
- You could play it.
-1 don't play the piano.
- You said you took lessons.
I only took lessons because my mother
said it'd make me the life of the party.
I'm sure she was only trying to help.
Well, I've always wanted to take lessons,
learn the classics, or maybe Feelings.
- That sells me.
- Then it's okay?
- Why not?
- Oh, honey, thank you.
George, tell those friends of yours
we'll take the piano.
George, how come these people
want to get rid of the piano?
They decided to get a good one.
Everybody, I'd like you to meet
my cousin.
Stephanie, you've met Joanna and Dick,
but this is our caretaker, George Utley,
and our next-door neighbor, Kirk Devane.
This is my cousin Stephanie.
How do you do, Stephanie? Any cousin
of Leslie's is a goddess of mine.
- Hello
- Stephanie, are you hungry?
- A little.
Why don't you stay here and get to know
everybody, and I'll go make us something?
Okay.
- How you feeling this morning?
- Fine.
You'll just have to forgive me
if I'm not the life of the party.
Yeah, you know that feeling,
don't you, Dick?
Steph, we just wanted you to know
that we've all been where you are,
but you'll get through it. It just takes time
and patience, and caring friends like us.
- Do you mean that?
- never know.
- You want to read a magazine, George?
- No, I've read all of them.
Except that one.
- You want this one?
- No, thanks.
- What do you want to do?
- I don't know.
Maybe you should have gone sightseeing
with Kirk and the girls.
I thought it would be more fun here.
I was wrong.
KIRK: Well, you know...
(KIRK LAUGHING)
- STEPHANIE: That is a wonderful story.
- KIRK: Thank you.
DICK: You're back already.
What's a wonderful story?
Kirk was telling us about the summer
he worked in a rodeo.
Must have been as a bull thrower.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, I'll say this for you,
you've made me laugh.
Well, don't tell me, tell her.
Kirk, it was very nice of you
to take us all sightseeing.
By the way, thanks for the gifts.
You bought them all gifts?
Well, I had to run into a drug store
for breath mints, and these were on sale.
- What did you buy?
- Ladies' electric razors.
Well, I think you've all been
really thoughtful.
I feel so much better today
than I did yesterday.
You people are great
and he's the greatest.
That's blood talking.
Well, if you'll all excuse me,
I'd like to go up and put my razor away.
I think that's something we'd all like to do.
- See you later.
- You bet.
(STEPHANIE GIGGLES)
Looks like you've been good for Stephanie.
I sure hope so.
Yeah, it must be tough to be that age
and have important decisions
like marriage to make.
You will, you won't... What's the big deal?
It's not that simple, Kirk.
I was in a similar situation once.
This girl I knew wanted to get married.
To who?
- To me, George.
- Ah!
But I didn't think she was serious,
and so ll suggested that
we split up during the summer
and think it over.
What happened?
Well, it turns out she was serious.
When I saw her in September,
she was married.
To you?
You're right, Kirk.
You will, you won't... What's the big deal?
JOANNA: Careful.
There you go.
Isn't it beautiful?
- You play the piano?
- No, but I'm going to take lessons.
Mmm-hmm.
I really am. This is something
I've always wanted to do.
Mmm-hmm.
What do we owe you?
Why don't you just pay us
when we pick it up?
Oh, you won't need to pick this up.
Believe me.
Mmm-hmm.
See you soon.
Don't you just love it?
Isn't it written all over my face?
Come on, honey, play something.
Joanna, I told you, I don't play.
You must remember something.
Come on. Please.
(PLAYING SIMPLE TUNE BADLY)
Boy, you sure can make that thing talk.
That's all ll know. Joanna, you sit down.
Dick, I don't know how to play anything.
(PLAYING RANDOM NOTES)
This is gonna be great.
Mr. Loudon? Excuse me.
Would you mind if ll borrowed a book
from your study?
No, help yourself.
Would you help me find one?
Sure, but you'd be surprised
how simple it is.
(PLAYING RANDOM NOTES)
What are you interested in?
Mystery? Adventure? How-to?
Actually, I didn't come in here
to get a book.
Oh.
I came in here because I wanted
to talk to you in private.
There's something I have to ask you.
(STAMMERS) What is it?
I'm really confused right now.
I'm having a lot of mixed feelings.
What are you confused about?
Love and lust.
I'll see if ll have a dictionary.
Do you know what it's like
to feel wild desire?
Boiling passion?
To want carnal knowledge
of a total stranger?
(STAMMERING) Sort of. Sort of.
Mr. Loudon, as a man,
what would you say if ll told you
that every time ll see you, ll ignite?
That your eyes and your lips,
even your teeth
make my heart race and my blood boil?
What would you say if ll told you that
it's everything I can do to keep my hands
from exploring every part of your body?
Well, many times
writers inspire a certain awe.
(LAUGHING) Oh!
No, I wasn't talking about you.
(BOTH LAUGH)
I knew that!
Who...
(STAMMERING)
Who were you talking about?
I was talking about Kirk.
- Kirk who?
- Kirk Devane.
Oh, Mr. Loudon, he makes me crazy.
I don't know what it is.
Yes, I do.
It's his aura, his essence. It's his hair.
Why are you talking to me about this?
You're Kirk's best friend.
What do you think I should tell him?
Well, the first thing you should tell him
is that I'm not his best friend.
Here you are. What are you guys doing?
Talking.
About what?
{STAMMERING) I'm not sure.
- Lust.
- Oh, yeah.
You came down to talk to Dick about this?
Oh, don't be mad.
All I'm trying to figure out is
should I tell Kirk how I feel or not.
Not!
But what if he's the right person for me,
and ll never find that out
because I never tell him how I feel?
She has a point.
I guess.
No one can tell you
that Kirk isn't the right person for you.
Personally, I'd bet everything I own on it
that he isn't.
But you're right. If you have any questions,
you should find out.
That's what ll think, too.
Thanks.
{SIGHS) Oh, I don't know.
I'm just afraid she's being naive
and impulsive,
and tomorrow she's going to wake up
and feel silly and foolish and embarrassed.
I know.
I feel the same way
about Joanna and her piano.
Here we go,
two Junior Minuteman burgers.
- Hi, Stephanie. Where's Leslie?
- At the inn.
So what are you doing over here?
I guess you could say I'm hungry.
And you came here? Great.
I hope so.
So, what do you want?
You.
STEPHANIE: Did you hear what ll said?
- You said you want me.
- Yeah.
Want me for what?
I'm a woman.
What do you think I want you for?
Can you give me five minutes
to blow these people out of here?
- Sure.
- Thanks.
Hi! How's your dinner?
- Great.
- Fine.
How'd you like to finish it out in the car?
- What are you talking about?
- Something's come up.
I have to close the cafe. Come on, let's go.
We just started eating.
Well, I know. You know,
you can take your plates with you.
When you're done,
throw them in the parking lot.
I'll pick them up in the morning.
Let's go. Come on!
-1 don't believe this!
- I know. It's crazy, isn't it?
Come on, get out. Let's go.
Now wait a minute. I'm not paying for this.
I don't expect you to. I'll mail you the bill.
Come on, let's go.
Your food's getting cold.
- He's got my hamburger.
- Here. Go get it.
Go! Move! Let's go.
Come on! Out of here.
- We'll never eat here again!
- Fine, fine. Be that way.
Sorry that took so long.
You don't think I'm terrible
for coming over here like this?
(WHISPERING) Oh, no!
God!
I would never think that.
It's just that,
from the first moment ll saw you,
I've had this uncontrollable passion.
Right.
Crazy, unbridled lust.
Lust. Got you.
All I can think about
was the movie Body Heat.
Oh, darn. I meant to see that.
Do you feel the same kind of things
for me?
Of course I do, and deeply.
And have you felt them
from the moment you met me?
I can't lie. Yes.
And it doesn't matter to you
that I'm Leslie's cousin?
- Forget I said that.
- I can't.
-1 know how you feel about Leslie.
- You do?
- But I told her about this.
- You did?
- And she doesn't seem to mind.
- She doesn't?
- No.
- I still can't.
- Try.
- Okay.
Forget it. I can't.
Kirk, I wouldn't be here if I thought there
was anything between you and Leslie.
Neither would ll. I'd be with Leslie.
You see? That's why it's wrong.
(STAMMERS)
My heart is already pledged.
There could never be anything meaningful
between you and me.
I would just be taking advantage of you.
Kirk, I've never felt passion like this before
and ll can't ignore it.
Are you asking me to help you?
- Yes.
-1 think ll can live with that reason.
(PLAYING SCALES BADLY)
- Practicing your scales, huh?
- Yeah.
Boring, isn't it?
No, not at all. It's fun.
Mmm-hmm.
What are you going to do now?
I'm going to go in and have breakfast.
Want me to make it for you?
No, no. You stay here and have fun.
- Hi, George.
- Hi, Dick.
- How are you this morning?
- Fine.
I was reading here
about the Hillding-Perdum nuptials.
Sounds like a nice affair.
- Really?
- Yeah.
"The bride was wearing
a gown of peau de soie,
"trimmed in antique ivory lace
with a tiara of little baby pearls.”
What was the groom wearing?
It doesn't say,
but if it was me, I'd have been in a suit.
You're finished already.
No, I just came in because I felt badly
about you making your own breakfast.
Don't feel badly. I don't want to
tear you away from your scales.
Just go ahead and practice.
I'm just having coffee.
Well, George needs breakfast.
Right, George?
I'm fine. Don't worry about me.
See? So, you can go ahead and practice.
Did you ever think
maybe I'd like to have breakfast?
Sweetheart, I have an idea.
Why don't you practice
and I'll make breakfast for you?
Darling, I have another idea.
Why don't you stop being
so damn considerate?
You want me to call the men
and have them pick up the piano?
Yes. Why don't you have them pick it up
and drop it on you?
You want to hear
about the McFarlane funeral?
After breakfast.
Hi. Has anybody seen Stephanie
this morning?
-1 haven't.
- Not me.
That's what I was afraid of.
- What's the matter?
- She didn't come home last night.
Why are we surprised?
What else do you expect from Kirk?
What are you talking about?
Stephanie went over last night
to tell Kirk how she felt about him.
She hasn't come home yet.
Well, let's face it. He took advantage
of a woman in a vulnerable situation.
Stephanie's a big girl.
She knew what she was doing.
Kirk's a big boy.
He knew what he was doing.
I just hope Stephanie isn't feeling used.
Good morning, everybody.
- Good morning, Stephanie.
- Hi, Stephanie.
I'm glad you're all here.
I want to make an announcement.
I want to invite you all to a wedding.
You and Kirk are getting married?
No, I'm going home to marry Carl.
Who's Carl?
He's the man I was thinking of marrying
when I came up here.
Well, congratulations. That's wonderful.
What are you going to wear?
(CLEARS THROAT)
George, I don't think she's decided yet.
Stephanie, the last time we talked,
you were on your way over
to throw yourself at Kirk.
-1 did.
- And he threw you back?
Oh, no, he was wonderful.
You mean, he understood that you were
confused and reasoned with you?
No, he just let me have my way with him.
(GIGGLES)
Kirk's a generous guy.
But see, that's just what I needed.
The one thing that was missing from
my relationship with Carl was passion.
All the other ingredients were there
but I kept thinking passion
was more important than anything.
And Kirk showed me it wasn't.
In fact, in one night he showed me
how trivial it really is.
Does Kirk know he showed you this?
Oh!
We talked it over this morning.
I'm really thankful I met him.
If that's the way you feel, I'm glad.
And I think you'll be a lot happier
with Carl.
Me, too.
You know, when I came up here,
I thought Carl wasn't exciting enough,
but he's dependable and honest
and sincere and bright,
and now I can't wait to get home
and rip his shirt off.
Well, I don't know about the rest of you,
but I'm happy for Stephanie.
I'm happy for Carl.
Forgive me, Leslie. Flesh is weak.
Kirk, get up.
Stephanie explained everything to us.
She's not confused anymore.
She's going home to marry Carl
and she has you to thank for it.
I did all this and you don't hate me?
- Of course not.
- That's fantastic.
It's like there's a whole new rhythm
to the universe.
Let's just say you got by with one.
Leslie, I just have one question.
How does this affect you and me?
Oh, Kirk, for the five-millionth time,
there is no you and me.
But if it makes you feel any better,
the fact that you felt so guilty
is kind of un-nauseating.
I consider that high praise.
And if what happened with Stephanie
has improved your opinion of me,
then I give you my word,
1 will win your heart once and for all
if I have to sleep
with every relative you've got.
This is such a wonderful moment.
I wish we had music.
Joanna?
- Hi, Kirk.
Got any old furniture or books?
- I'm not sure. What do you want them for?
- I'm out of firewood.
- Why don't I give you some logs?
- Fine.
You know, I notice
people almost never sit on this.
No, Kirk.
Hi, Dick. Hi, Kirk. I'm glad you're here.
Sound the trumpets, call the mayor,
Leslie's glad I'm here.
I'm glad you're here because
I'm going to bring Stephanie down,
and ll want you to meet her.
- Hmm. Who's Stephanie?
- My cousin.
She came in late last night
and she's going to spend
a couple days with us.
But she's really depressed.
She was supposed to be getting married
and now she's having second thoughts.
So she decided to come up here
and think things out.
I know you'll all be wonderful for her.
We'll do everything we can.
No, not me.
I don't like to be around depressed people.
Fine, but she's my favorite cousin,
and I'm going to be with her every minute.
Well, then again, I've been meaning to
spend more time with depressed people.
- Hi, Kirk.
- Hi.
- Honey...
- KIRK: George.
I'm so excited.
Guess what George just told me?
That you have the bluest eyes,
reddest lips,
and the cutest nose he's ever seen.
What a nice thing to say.
Yeah, I never would have thought of that.
George can get us a piano
for practically nothing.
George can get us a lot of things
we don't need.
Oh, honey, don't you think
it would be great to have one in the lobby?
There's just something about a piano
that warms up a room.
You always said that about a fireplace.
That's what my mother always said
about an iron.
JOANNA: What about it, Dick?
- Well, who's gonna play it?
- You could play it.
-1 don't play the piano.
- You said you took lessons.
I only took lessons because my mother
said it'd make me the life of the party.
I'm sure she was only trying to help.
Well, I've always wanted to take lessons,
learn the classics, or maybe Feelings.
- That sells me.
- Then it's okay?
- Why not?
- Oh, honey, thank you.
George, tell those friends of yours
we'll take the piano.
George, how come these people
want to get rid of the piano?
They decided to get a good one.
Everybody, I'd like you to meet
my cousin.
Stephanie, you've met Joanna and Dick,
but this is our caretaker, George Utley,
and our next-door neighbor, Kirk Devane.
This is my cousin Stephanie.
How do you do, Stephanie? Any cousin
of Leslie's is a goddess of mine.
- Hello
- Stephanie, are you hungry?
- A little.
Why don't you stay here and get to know
everybody, and I'll go make us something?
Okay.
- How you feeling this morning?
- Fine.
You'll just have to forgive me
if I'm not the life of the party.
Yeah, you know that feeling,
don't you, Dick?
Steph, we just wanted you to know
that we've all been where you are,
but you'll get through it. It just takes time
and patience, and caring friends like us.
- Do you mean that?
- never know.
- You want to read a magazine, George?
- No, I've read all of them.
Except that one.
- You want this one?
- No, thanks.
- What do you want to do?
- I don't know.
Maybe you should have gone sightseeing
with Kirk and the girls.
I thought it would be more fun here.
I was wrong.
KIRK: Well, you know...
(KIRK LAUGHING)
- STEPHANIE: That is a wonderful story.
- KIRK: Thank you.
DICK: You're back already.
What's a wonderful story?
Kirk was telling us about the summer
he worked in a rodeo.
Must have been as a bull thrower.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, I'll say this for you,
you've made me laugh.
Well, don't tell me, tell her.
Kirk, it was very nice of you
to take us all sightseeing.
By the way, thanks for the gifts.
You bought them all gifts?
Well, I had to run into a drug store
for breath mints, and these were on sale.
- What did you buy?
- Ladies' electric razors.
Well, I think you've all been
really thoughtful.
I feel so much better today
than I did yesterday.
You people are great
and he's the greatest.
That's blood talking.
Well, if you'll all excuse me,
I'd like to go up and put my razor away.
I think that's something we'd all like to do.
- See you later.
- You bet.
(STEPHANIE GIGGLES)
Looks like you've been good for Stephanie.
I sure hope so.
Yeah, it must be tough to be that age
and have important decisions
like marriage to make.
You will, you won't... What's the big deal?
It's not that simple, Kirk.
I was in a similar situation once.
This girl I knew wanted to get married.
To who?
- To me, George.
- Ah!
But I didn't think she was serious,
and so ll suggested that
we split up during the summer
and think it over.
What happened?
Well, it turns out she was serious.
When I saw her in September,
she was married.
To you?
You're right, Kirk.
You will, you won't... What's the big deal?
JOANNA: Careful.
There you go.
Isn't it beautiful?
- You play the piano?
- No, but I'm going to take lessons.
Mmm-hmm.
I really am. This is something
I've always wanted to do.
Mmm-hmm.
What do we owe you?
Why don't you just pay us
when we pick it up?
Oh, you won't need to pick this up.
Believe me.
Mmm-hmm.
See you soon.
Don't you just love it?
Isn't it written all over my face?
Come on, honey, play something.
Joanna, I told you, I don't play.
You must remember something.
Come on. Please.
(PLAYING SIMPLE TUNE BADLY)
Boy, you sure can make that thing talk.
That's all ll know. Joanna, you sit down.
Dick, I don't know how to play anything.
(PLAYING RANDOM NOTES)
This is gonna be great.
Mr. Loudon? Excuse me.
Would you mind if ll borrowed a book
from your study?
No, help yourself.
Would you help me find one?
Sure, but you'd be surprised
how simple it is.
(PLAYING RANDOM NOTES)
What are you interested in?
Mystery? Adventure? How-to?
Actually, I didn't come in here
to get a book.
Oh.
I came in here because I wanted
to talk to you in private.
There's something I have to ask you.
(STAMMERS) What is it?
I'm really confused right now.
I'm having a lot of mixed feelings.
What are you confused about?
Love and lust.
I'll see if ll have a dictionary.
Do you know what it's like
to feel wild desire?
Boiling passion?
To want carnal knowledge
of a total stranger?
(STAMMERING) Sort of. Sort of.
Mr. Loudon, as a man,
what would you say if ll told you
that every time ll see you, ll ignite?
That your eyes and your lips,
even your teeth
make my heart race and my blood boil?
What would you say if ll told you that
it's everything I can do to keep my hands
from exploring every part of your body?
Well, many times
writers inspire a certain awe.
(LAUGHING) Oh!
No, I wasn't talking about you.
(BOTH LAUGH)
I knew that!
Who...
(STAMMERING)
Who were you talking about?
I was talking about Kirk.
- Kirk who?
- Kirk Devane.
Oh, Mr. Loudon, he makes me crazy.
I don't know what it is.
Yes, I do.
It's his aura, his essence. It's his hair.
Why are you talking to me about this?
You're Kirk's best friend.
What do you think I should tell him?
Well, the first thing you should tell him
is that I'm not his best friend.
Here you are. What are you guys doing?
Talking.
About what?
{STAMMERING) I'm not sure.
- Lust.
- Oh, yeah.
You came down to talk to Dick about this?
Oh, don't be mad.
All I'm trying to figure out is
should I tell Kirk how I feel or not.
Not!
But what if he's the right person for me,
and ll never find that out
because I never tell him how I feel?
She has a point.
I guess.
No one can tell you
that Kirk isn't the right person for you.
Personally, I'd bet everything I own on it
that he isn't.
But you're right. If you have any questions,
you should find out.
That's what ll think, too.
Thanks.
{SIGHS) Oh, I don't know.
I'm just afraid she's being naive
and impulsive,
and tomorrow she's going to wake up
and feel silly and foolish and embarrassed.
I know.
I feel the same way
about Joanna and her piano.
Here we go,
two Junior Minuteman burgers.
- Hi, Stephanie. Where's Leslie?
- At the inn.
So what are you doing over here?
I guess you could say I'm hungry.
And you came here? Great.
I hope so.
So, what do you want?
You.
STEPHANIE: Did you hear what ll said?
- You said you want me.
- Yeah.
Want me for what?
I'm a woman.
What do you think I want you for?
Can you give me five minutes
to blow these people out of here?
- Sure.
- Thanks.
Hi! How's your dinner?
- Great.
- Fine.
How'd you like to finish it out in the car?
- What are you talking about?
- Something's come up.
I have to close the cafe. Come on, let's go.
We just started eating.
Well, I know. You know,
you can take your plates with you.
When you're done,
throw them in the parking lot.
I'll pick them up in the morning.
Let's go. Come on!
-1 don't believe this!
- I know. It's crazy, isn't it?
Come on, get out. Let's go.
Now wait a minute. I'm not paying for this.
I don't expect you to. I'll mail you the bill.
Come on, let's go.
Your food's getting cold.
- He's got my hamburger.
- Here. Go get it.
Go! Move! Let's go.
Come on! Out of here.
- We'll never eat here again!
- Fine, fine. Be that way.
Sorry that took so long.
You don't think I'm terrible
for coming over here like this?
(WHISPERING) Oh, no!
God!
I would never think that.
It's just that,
from the first moment ll saw you,
I've had this uncontrollable passion.
Right.
Crazy, unbridled lust.
Lust. Got you.
All I can think about
was the movie Body Heat.
Oh, darn. I meant to see that.
Do you feel the same kind of things
for me?
Of course I do, and deeply.
And have you felt them
from the moment you met me?
I can't lie. Yes.
And it doesn't matter to you
that I'm Leslie's cousin?
- Forget I said that.
- I can't.
-1 know how you feel about Leslie.
- You do?
- But I told her about this.
- You did?
- And she doesn't seem to mind.
- She doesn't?
- No.
- I still can't.
- Try.
- Okay.
Forget it. I can't.
Kirk, I wouldn't be here if I thought there
was anything between you and Leslie.
Neither would ll. I'd be with Leslie.
You see? That's why it's wrong.
(STAMMERS)
My heart is already pledged.
There could never be anything meaningful
between you and me.
I would just be taking advantage of you.
Kirk, I've never felt passion like this before
and ll can't ignore it.
Are you asking me to help you?
- Yes.
-1 think ll can live with that reason.
(PLAYING SCALES BADLY)
- Practicing your scales, huh?
- Yeah.
Boring, isn't it?
No, not at all. It's fun.
Mmm-hmm.
What are you going to do now?
I'm going to go in and have breakfast.
Want me to make it for you?
No, no. You stay here and have fun.
- Hi, George.
- Hi, Dick.
- How are you this morning?
- Fine.
I was reading here
about the Hillding-Perdum nuptials.
Sounds like a nice affair.
- Really?
- Yeah.
"The bride was wearing
a gown of peau de soie,
"trimmed in antique ivory lace
with a tiara of little baby pearls.”
What was the groom wearing?
It doesn't say,
but if it was me, I'd have been in a suit.
You're finished already.
No, I just came in because I felt badly
about you making your own breakfast.
Don't feel badly. I don't want to
tear you away from your scales.
Just go ahead and practice.
I'm just having coffee.
Well, George needs breakfast.
Right, George?
I'm fine. Don't worry about me.
See? So, you can go ahead and practice.
Did you ever think
maybe I'd like to have breakfast?
Sweetheart, I have an idea.
Why don't you practice
and I'll make breakfast for you?
Darling, I have another idea.
Why don't you stop being
so damn considerate?
You want me to call the men
and have them pick up the piano?
Yes. Why don't you have them pick it up
and drop it on you?
You want to hear
about the McFarlane funeral?
After breakfast.
Hi. Has anybody seen Stephanie
this morning?
-1 haven't.
- Not me.
That's what I was afraid of.
- What's the matter?
- She didn't come home last night.
Why are we surprised?
What else do you expect from Kirk?
What are you talking about?
Stephanie went over last night
to tell Kirk how she felt about him.
She hasn't come home yet.
Well, let's face it. He took advantage
of a woman in a vulnerable situation.
Stephanie's a big girl.
She knew what she was doing.
Kirk's a big boy.
He knew what he was doing.
I just hope Stephanie isn't feeling used.
Good morning, everybody.
- Good morning, Stephanie.
- Hi, Stephanie.
I'm glad you're all here.
I want to make an announcement.
I want to invite you all to a wedding.
You and Kirk are getting married?
No, I'm going home to marry Carl.
Who's Carl?
He's the man I was thinking of marrying
when I came up here.
Well, congratulations. That's wonderful.
What are you going to wear?
(CLEARS THROAT)
George, I don't think she's decided yet.
Stephanie, the last time we talked,
you were on your way over
to throw yourself at Kirk.
-1 did.
- And he threw you back?
Oh, no, he was wonderful.
You mean, he understood that you were
confused and reasoned with you?
No, he just let me have my way with him.
(GIGGLES)
Kirk's a generous guy.
But see, that's just what I needed.
The one thing that was missing from
my relationship with Carl was passion.
All the other ingredients were there
but I kept thinking passion
was more important than anything.
And Kirk showed me it wasn't.
In fact, in one night he showed me
how trivial it really is.
Does Kirk know he showed you this?
Oh!
We talked it over this morning.
I'm really thankful I met him.
If that's the way you feel, I'm glad.
And I think you'll be a lot happier
with Carl.
Me, too.
You know, when I came up here,
I thought Carl wasn't exciting enough,
but he's dependable and honest
and sincere and bright,
and now I can't wait to get home
and rip his shirt off.
Well, I don't know about the rest of you,
but I'm happy for Stephanie.
I'm happy for Carl.
Forgive me, Leslie. Flesh is weak.
Kirk, get up.
Stephanie explained everything to us.
She's not confused anymore.
She's going home to marry Carl
and she has you to thank for it.
I did all this and you don't hate me?
- Of course not.
- That's fantastic.
It's like there's a whole new rhythm
to the universe.
Let's just say you got by with one.
Leslie, I just have one question.
How does this affect you and me?
Oh, Kirk, for the five-millionth time,
there is no you and me.
But if it makes you feel any better,
the fact that you felt so guilty
is kind of un-nauseating.
I consider that high praise.
And if what happened with Stephanie
has improved your opinion of me,
then I give you my word,
1 will win your heart once and for all
if I have to sleep
with every relative you've got.
This is such a wonderful moment.
I wish we had music.
Joanna?