Newhart (1982–1990): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Visitors - full transcript
Dick and Joanna feel left out when some old friends visit the Inn but spend no time with them.
There, isn't that pretty?
A perfect stack of firewood.
Well, here they are, all washed and folded.
Joanna, which room are you giving
to the Ebersols?
Gee, ll don't know. The Van Buren Room is
the nicest, but the fireplace doesn't work.
Yeah, but it has a pretty stack of firewood.
I just want everything
to be perfect for them.
I can't wait until they get here.
You know, meeting them
just made our trip to London.
I mean, they are absolutely
the most fun couple in the whole world.
- What do they do?
- Well, Janet's an interior designer,
and Sam owns an appliance store.
Say, they sound like fun.
I was thinking of asking her
for some professional advice.
I've been toying with the idea
of fixing up my room.
Sometimes it's just a question
of the right linoleum.
- Guess what ll found.
- It's a rooster.
- It is?
- Yeah.
I thought it was a chicken.
I'm glad you told me.
Yeah, you could have waited
a long time for eggs.
Where did you find him, Kirk?
Well, the poor thing must have fallen off
the back of a truck.
I saw him there in the middle of the road,
flailing around, cars whizzing by.
- It was frightening.
- How'd you save him?
Well, I ran out of the cafe,
dodging a few speeding cars,
scooped him up and ran to safety.
Kirk, that was wonderful.
You actually risked your life for him.
Well, I guess at a time like that,
you don't think about yourself.
You see a poor, helpless creature,
and something inside says,
"Hey, I have to help.”
Got an ax?
- You're gonna kill it?
- Well, ll can't eat it like this.
- Kirk, you're not gonna kill that rooster.
- It's just a stupid bird.
It's a living thing.
I don't believe in killing living things.
Not even a cockroach?
A filthy, slimy, disgusting cockroach?
(SIGHS)
Okay, maybe a cockroach.
Well, do you know what a cockroach
looks like magnified 1,000 times?
It does not. Give him to me.
No way. He's my bird.
Kirk, give me the rooster.
{CLUCKING)
I'm gonna nurse him back to health.
I'll build him a coop.
They took my rooster.
It's gone, all right.
- Hi, hon, where have you been?
- Out buying film.
- How many rolls did you buy?
- Forty-four.
- You're kidding!
- Well, honey, you know the Ebersols.
I mean, when they're around,
the fun comes faster than you can click.
- Dick, they're only staying a week.
- A jam-packed week.
I made a list of things
the four of us can do together.
- Forty-four rolls may not be enough.
- I'll get more.
I mean, this is terrific.
People that we're crazy about
are spending their vacation at our inn.
Now, I finished all my work,
so we're on vacation, too.
I mean, we're really having
a great life, Joanna.
Dick, I know you're excited,
but, remember, this is their vacation.
I mean, who knows?
They might wanna rest, take it easy.
- What are you saying?
- I'm just saying let's let them set the tone.
Fine.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
SAM: Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- SAM: Sam and Janet!
Sam and Janet who?
ALL: Sam and Janet Evening!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
- Joanna! Hi!
- Good to see you.
- It is great seeing you guys.
- It's great to see you. You look terrific.
Well, so do you. Did you have
any trouble finding the place?
No, we just looked
for the most beautiful inn in Vermont,
and then, when we found it,
we asked them how to find you.
We've never known anybody
who owned a hotel before.
It's kind of like knowing a Hilton.
Hilton? He has hotels, too?
- So, are you tired after your big trip?
- Well, you know us. It's go, go, go.
- Well, where to first?
- We thought our room, Dick.
And if it's not nice,
we're gonna complain to the manager.
Well, here.
There's your key, and you can get settled.
Oh, look, it's Dick the desk clerk.
Are you also the bellhop?
(RINGING)
Now, Sam, I don't want you thinking
this is some fleabag hotel
where one person does all the work.
Joanna's the bellhop.
Joanna.
Listen, you guys, it's top of the stairs,
first room to the right.
- Great.
- Joanna the bellhop.
- We are so excited to be here.
- Oh, it's gonna be a trip to remember.
Yeah, we've been looking forward
to seeing you guys ever since Paris.
We were with you in London.
Yeah, but we didn't start missing you
until Paris.
- They look wonderful, don't they?
- They're great.
And ll know, any second,
Sam is gonna come
bounding down the stairs saying,
“"Hey, guys,
let's get this show on the road.”
Hey, guys,
can we get some towels up here?
I mean, that's what I love about Sam.
You never know what he's gonna say.
You're right.
So, when is this fun couple
supposed to get here?
They'll be here soon.
Seems like we've been
sitting here an hour.
It hasn't been an hour, George. It's been
53 minutes.
Seemed like an hour.
Are you sure you told them
to plan on dinner?
Oh, I didn't have to. I mean,
they knew we were expecting them.
See, that was the great thing
about being with them in England,
we seemed instinctively
to know each other's moves.
We couldn't go anywhere
but they were right there with us.
Honey, we were on the same tour.
All right, but ll mean,
we still hit it off great.
And I think one of the reasons was
this instant, fantastic
communication that we had.
It was like we had ESP.
So, where do you think
they are right now?
I have no idea.
(SIGHS)
Dick, it is getting late.
Maybe we should start.
Well, if the whole point of dinner
is to eat, then go ahead.
Well, I'm sure
Sam and Janet will understand.
- Yeah, they sound like great people.
- They are.
We shared with them
maybe one of the most hilarious
moments of our lives together.
- Remember, Joanna?
- The pub, right?
We're in this English pub.
The Horn and the Beagle.
- Right.
- DICK: Horn and the Beagle.
And we're drinking pints
of this really strong English ale, you know.
JOANNA: (LAUGHING) Yeah.
All of a sudden, Sam stands up,
and, in front of all these Englishmen,
he starts singing Yankee Doodle.
- In this English pub.
- JOANNA: Yeah.
In England.
See, that's why we enjoy them
so much, you know.
I mean, they were screaming at that.
I know people like that,
just good-time, fun-loving folks.
Exactly.
Can I have their fruit cup?
Knock, knock.
There they are. Perfect timing.
Sam and Janet Ebersol,
this is Leslie Vanderkellen.
- How do you do?
- Hi.
- Kirk Devane.
- Howdy.
- DICK: George Utley.
- Good to meet you.
- Thank you. Nice to meet you.
- Come on. Sit down.
George, put back the fruit cup.
- You weren't expecting us for dinner?
- You ate already?
We ate in town. We're sorry.
We didn't expect you to go to any trouble.
As a matter of fact,
we were in this little shop,
and we ran into another couple and...
Well, you know how we are on vacations.
And we started talking,
and one thing led to another,
and ll guess we just didn't
pay attention to the time.
- Well, you know, it's no big deal.
- Yeah, it was only dinner.
But we're really sorry.
We should have called.
Hey, it's the first night you're here.
We've got six more days of fun.
- Right.
- JANET: That's right.
And what have you got
on the agenda for tomorrow?
Eight hours of the greatest scenery
you have ever seen in your life.
You mean we're gonna check out
the girls at Dartmouth?
Well, then it's all set. We'll meet you
first thing in the morning for sightseeing.
And I bet it's gonna be great.
Yeah, they don't call it Vermont
for nothing.
Well, we're keeping you guys from eating,
so we'll see you in the morning
-and say goodnight.
- Night.
Oh, by the way, we've never stayed
in an inn before. If we need anything
in the middle of the night,
what do we do? Bang on your door?
Sure, ll can sleep through anything.
Would I be presumptuous
to ask again for the fruit cup?
Well, sandwiches packed,
thermos full, ready to go.
You know, seeing the sights with Sam
and Janet is gonna be hysterical.
- Yeah.
- You know, I better take along
a couple more rolls of film,
just for the first hour.
- Yoo-hoo.
- Morning.
(RINGING)
Joanna, we're going
to go through that door,
and whoever is on the other side
gets to spend the whole day
having fun with us.
Well, what do you know?
It's Sam and Janet.
Well, if you're ready, let's get started
on the Loudon grand tour of Vermont.
Which includes
the famous Loudon picnic lunch.
Well, listen, if you guys don't mind,
I think we're gonna take a rain check
on the grand tour.
A rain check?
Yeah, it completely slipped my mind
last night when we were talking about it,
but I have this aunt in Boston
and I promised her we'd drive up
and see her today.
You promised you'd see her today?
Yeah, well, it wouldn't matter so much,
but she's old and frail.
And I think, more important to us,
she's rich.
You understand, don't you?
Well, yeah. Yeah, we understand.
Don't we, Dick?
Yeah, you know, I guess. If you promised.
Well, listen, maybe we could call
and try and change it.
- Could you?
- Honey.
Yeah, forget I even said that.
Family comes first. You go to Boston.
Hey, it's only one day.
We still have five full days left.
- Five fun-filled days.
- That's right. We'll see you tonight.
Okay, and we'll have dinner
when you get back tonight.
I wouldn't plan on us for dinner.
We may have to stay longer than that.
Yeah, remember, she's rich.
Well, then,
we'll see you sometime tonight.
Great.
- Maybe a coffee.
- Whatever.
All right, then, we'll see you sometime
tonight for coffee or whatever.
- Right, see you then.
- We're looking forward to it.
- JANET: Bye-bye.
- Yeah, have a great day in Boston.
Well, those two haven't changed a bit.
They're having as much fun as ever.
Yeah, they just aren't having it with us.
Hi, Dick. Where's Leslie?
Hi, Kirk. She's out back. Is that a chicken?
Close, it's a pullet.
- What's a pullet?
- A young chicken.
That was close.
What are you doing with it?
She's on her way to meet Mr. Right.
I'm gonna mate her with the rooster.
Together they should be able
to produce enough chickens
to turn the Minuteman Café
into Kirk's Capon City.
- Heck of an idea.
- Thanks.
You know, I've got this great gimmick.
You know how in some seafood places
they have these large tanks of water
where they allow you to, you know,
pick out your own live lobsters?
Well, I'm gonna do the same thing
with chickens.
You're going to put chickens
in a tank of water?
Yes, Dick, I'm gonna drown the chickens
and then try to get people to eat them.
Come on, let's get into reality, shall we?
Obviously, they're gonna be in a coop.
Look, what I'm trying to say is,
the way I figure it, cashing in
is just a matter of time, patience
and letting these ugly birds
breed their little beaks off.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Have you seen Sam and Janet
yet this morning?
No, and I don't want to.
What time did they finally get in
last night?
I have no idea. I wasn't gonna stay up
until all hours of the morning,
waiting for them.
- How late did you stay up?
-2:00, 2:30.
Dick, do you think
they're trying to avoid us?
- Why would they be trying to do that?
- Maybe they think we're dull.
-1 don't think I'm dull.
- Do you think I'm dull?
I'm sorry, honey, what were you saying?
- I said, "Do you think I'm dull?"
-1 don't think either one of us are dull.
But even if we were,
they wouldn't have noticed.
- They haven't spent eight minutes with us.
- Well, what are we gonna do?
Well, I'll tell you one thing,
lam not gonna suggest going anywhere.
Because every time I do,
they have other plans.
If they wanna go somewhere today,
they're gonna have to suggest it.
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
Sam and Janet.
Mmm. That coffee smells great.
(CLEARS THROAT)
DICK: It's left over from last night.
Sorry about that.
You know, we didn't get in until after 3:00.
Hope nobody waited up.
- Sugar?
- Yeah, two please.
Honey, would you pass the sugar?
I wouldn't ask for the cream.
- Everything all right, Dick?
- Everything's fine.
Well, so what have you got planned
for today?
What have you guys
got planned for today?
Well, we don't have any plans.
We thought you'd have some.
We thought we'd wait and see
what you'd planned.
What is this, a standoff? Listen,
we thought you had this big, long list
of things you wanted to do. Let's do them.
Well, it's hard to know where to begin.
You know, we haven't even had dinner
with you guys yet.
Well, great, then dinner it is.
You name the place.
- Barney's?
- Barney's it is. What time?
-7:00.
-7:00.
All right, 7:00, Barney's. See you tonight.
See you later.
Am I crazy, or did we just lose
another day with them?
- SAM: This is a nice place, isn't it?
- Yeah, Joanna and I come here a lot.
I guess you could call it our spot.
Good evening, Mr. Ebersol.
How are you tonight?
- Eddie, nice to see you.
- Good to see you.
(PLAYING)
(ALL EXCLAIM)
- You remembered.
- JANET: Oh!
- How do you know all these people?
- Well, we ate here our first night here.
Mr. and Mrs. Ebersol, hi.
And who are your guests?
This is Dick and Joanna Loudon.
They live around here.
Oh, really? Well, hi, new faces.
- Hasn't she waited on us before?
- Everyone in here has waited on us before.
Well, isn't this fun? Now, this is what
we've been looking forward to.
So have we.
Well, come on now, guys.
We've been here for two days,
and you still haven't told us
how you happened to move to Vermont.
That's right. We want the whole story
right from the start.
- Well, I...
- Good evening, Mr. Ebersol.
- Hi.
- Mike, how are you?
SAM: Go ahead.
I'm something of a history buff,
you know, and so...
Say, excuse me, just one second.
Is that Milt Hanson over there?
Honey, I can't tell from this angle.
Well, it's not important.
Go ahead, go ahead. Sorry.
And I've always had this dream
about owning an inn.
Doggone it. That is Milt Hanson.
Honey, I think you're right.
So, one day I said to Joanna, you know,
"What the heck, you only live once."
Listen, can you hold that thought
for just one second?
We're gonna be right back.
- Hey, Milt, buddy, is that you?
- MILT: Sam, how are you?
We wound up here... And they're off again.
Boy, they make friends fast.
Well, why not? They're warm,
they're friendly, they're funny.
Come on over here. I want you
to meet these friends. Come on. This is...
Dick and Joanna, I want you to meet
two lovely people, Milt and Dottie Hanson.
We met them the first night we were here.
How are you?
You don't mind if they join us
for dinner, do you?
Well, of course they don't.
The more the merrier.
Mike, will you push two tables together
over here, please?
This couple is such fun.
They're from Anaheim.
- Oh, really?
- You know, Anaheim.
Hey, Dick, how about
shooting the four of us?
I'd love to, but all ll have is my camera.
- I don't understand it.
- What's the problem?
The rooster and the pullet, they
don't seem to be attracted to each other.
How do you know that?
Because Kirk's been out there
watching them.
- You've been watching them?
- Every day.
They just stare at each other
from opposite ends of the coop.
Well, if you're watching them
during the day,
did it ever occur to you that maybe
they're getting together at night?
That's when I watch.
Let me make sure I have this right.
The two of you are watching them
24 hours a day,
and they've never gone near each other?
- Right.
- Right.
And right now is the first time
in two days they've been alone?
- Right.
- Right.
Well, I don't know about you,
but if I were that rooster,
this is the moment I'd be waiting for.
Dick, I was just walking by
Sam and Janet's room
and their suitcases are out in the hall.
I think they're leaving.
- I know. ll saw them there, too.
- Do you believe this?
We set aside an entire week,
we don't see them for three days,
the one time we're together,
they spend the whole time
talking to another couple
and now they're leaving four days early.
Well, let's face it. They used us.
I mean, they're treating us like innkeepers.
You're right.
Well, if they're gonna
treat us like innkeepers,
I'm gonna act like an innkeeper.
- What are you gonna do?
- I'm gonna charge them.
- I'm leaving.
- Leslie, it's not gonna be an ugly scene.
You don't know that.
- He's right. You better go.
- Gone.
I mean, you're with me on this, right?
Honey, you know I feel just as strongly
about being used as you do.
- What do you think I should charge them?
-$10,000.
I like your style.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Checking out, are you?
Well, what makes you say that?
You're carrying your luggage,
you're heading toward the door.
In the hotel business,
we call that checking out.
We're not checking out.
We're just gonna drive up to Maine
for a couple days with the Hansons.
Yeah, we're gonna be back
the day after tomorrow
and finish out the week, just like we said.
And in the meantime,
since you two have been so terrific,
we want you to have this.
And we want you to have this.
- What is it?
- It's a bill for your stay here.
Look, it's beautiful.
It's made out just like a real bill.
Looks so official.
It is. It's an official bill.
- What?
- Sam?
Well, if you're gonna treat us
like innkeepers,
we're gonna treat you like guests.
Well, what are you talking about?
How did we treat you like innkeepers?
By ignoring us, by going off without us,
using this place as a pit stop.
They want us to pay.
You want us to pay, we'll pay.
- We don't want you to pay.
- Well, then what do you want?
We just want you to say you're sorry.
- We'll pay the bill.
- There is no bill.
What we're trying to tell you is
that we're hurt.
Well, this is just awful.
Honey. Honey, don't cry.
You're gonna spoil the trip.
I can't help it.
We were having such a good time and...
(WHINING)
Now, now, stop it.
It's just a misunderstanding.
Listen, they're angry and upset
because we didn't take
their friendship seriously enough.
Yes, and frankly,
I think we deserve an explanation.
Well, the explanation is very simple.
We're not your friends.
That's too simple.
Well, I mean, we're not your friends
the way you define friends.
I mean, you know, people you care about,
and you're concerned about their feelings,
and you wanna spend
every minute you can with them, and...
Well, we're just not like that.
We're fun junkies.
We're fun junkies, too.
No, no, you're not. You're friend junkies.
You see, you want long,
personal relationships,
and very close ties, and...
Well, we're just not like that.
That's not us. We're shallow.
Now, if you want us to say we're sorry
because of a misunderstanding,
then we will.
But if you want us to say we're sorry
because of who we are,
well, we can't do that.
Now, if you can accept that, that's fine.
And if you can't, that's fine, too.
But no matter what you feel,
you have to admit one thing.
We are fun people.
Listen, we gotta be going now.
You think about what we said,
and on the way back from Maine,
we're gonna call you.
And if you wanna get together,
we will and we'll have a ball.
And if you don't want to, we'll have a ball.
See you, friends.
Just kidding.
Bye-bye.
I really have no idea
if we'll ever see them again.
I know. But you know the nice thing
about people like that?
You don't care.
Need we say more?
A perfect stack of firewood.
Well, here they are, all washed and folded.
Joanna, which room are you giving
to the Ebersols?
Gee, ll don't know. The Van Buren Room is
the nicest, but the fireplace doesn't work.
Yeah, but it has a pretty stack of firewood.
I just want everything
to be perfect for them.
I can't wait until they get here.
You know, meeting them
just made our trip to London.
I mean, they are absolutely
the most fun couple in the whole world.
- What do they do?
- Well, Janet's an interior designer,
and Sam owns an appliance store.
Say, they sound like fun.
I was thinking of asking her
for some professional advice.
I've been toying with the idea
of fixing up my room.
Sometimes it's just a question
of the right linoleum.
- Guess what ll found.
- It's a rooster.
- It is?
- Yeah.
I thought it was a chicken.
I'm glad you told me.
Yeah, you could have waited
a long time for eggs.
Where did you find him, Kirk?
Well, the poor thing must have fallen off
the back of a truck.
I saw him there in the middle of the road,
flailing around, cars whizzing by.
- It was frightening.
- How'd you save him?
Well, I ran out of the cafe,
dodging a few speeding cars,
scooped him up and ran to safety.
Kirk, that was wonderful.
You actually risked your life for him.
Well, I guess at a time like that,
you don't think about yourself.
You see a poor, helpless creature,
and something inside says,
"Hey, I have to help.”
Got an ax?
- You're gonna kill it?
- Well, ll can't eat it like this.
- Kirk, you're not gonna kill that rooster.
- It's just a stupid bird.
It's a living thing.
I don't believe in killing living things.
Not even a cockroach?
A filthy, slimy, disgusting cockroach?
(SIGHS)
Okay, maybe a cockroach.
Well, do you know what a cockroach
looks like magnified 1,000 times?
It does not. Give him to me.
No way. He's my bird.
Kirk, give me the rooster.
{CLUCKING)
I'm gonna nurse him back to health.
I'll build him a coop.
They took my rooster.
It's gone, all right.
- Hi, hon, where have you been?
- Out buying film.
- How many rolls did you buy?
- Forty-four.
- You're kidding!
- Well, honey, you know the Ebersols.
I mean, when they're around,
the fun comes faster than you can click.
- Dick, they're only staying a week.
- A jam-packed week.
I made a list of things
the four of us can do together.
- Forty-four rolls may not be enough.
- I'll get more.
I mean, this is terrific.
People that we're crazy about
are spending their vacation at our inn.
Now, I finished all my work,
so we're on vacation, too.
I mean, we're really having
a great life, Joanna.
Dick, I know you're excited,
but, remember, this is their vacation.
I mean, who knows?
They might wanna rest, take it easy.
- What are you saying?
- I'm just saying let's let them set the tone.
Fine.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
SAM: Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- SAM: Sam and Janet!
Sam and Janet who?
ALL: Sam and Janet Evening!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
- Joanna! Hi!
- Good to see you.
- It is great seeing you guys.
- It's great to see you. You look terrific.
Well, so do you. Did you have
any trouble finding the place?
No, we just looked
for the most beautiful inn in Vermont,
and then, when we found it,
we asked them how to find you.
We've never known anybody
who owned a hotel before.
It's kind of like knowing a Hilton.
Hilton? He has hotels, too?
- So, are you tired after your big trip?
- Well, you know us. It's go, go, go.
- Well, where to first?
- We thought our room, Dick.
And if it's not nice,
we're gonna complain to the manager.
Well, here.
There's your key, and you can get settled.
Oh, look, it's Dick the desk clerk.
Are you also the bellhop?
(RINGING)
Now, Sam, I don't want you thinking
this is some fleabag hotel
where one person does all the work.
Joanna's the bellhop.
Joanna.
Listen, you guys, it's top of the stairs,
first room to the right.
- Great.
- Joanna the bellhop.
- We are so excited to be here.
- Oh, it's gonna be a trip to remember.
Yeah, we've been looking forward
to seeing you guys ever since Paris.
We were with you in London.
Yeah, but we didn't start missing you
until Paris.
- They look wonderful, don't they?
- They're great.
And ll know, any second,
Sam is gonna come
bounding down the stairs saying,
“"Hey, guys,
let's get this show on the road.”
Hey, guys,
can we get some towels up here?
I mean, that's what I love about Sam.
You never know what he's gonna say.
You're right.
So, when is this fun couple
supposed to get here?
They'll be here soon.
Seems like we've been
sitting here an hour.
It hasn't been an hour, George. It's been
53 minutes.
Seemed like an hour.
Are you sure you told them
to plan on dinner?
Oh, I didn't have to. I mean,
they knew we were expecting them.
See, that was the great thing
about being with them in England,
we seemed instinctively
to know each other's moves.
We couldn't go anywhere
but they were right there with us.
Honey, we were on the same tour.
All right, but ll mean,
we still hit it off great.
And I think one of the reasons was
this instant, fantastic
communication that we had.
It was like we had ESP.
So, where do you think
they are right now?
I have no idea.
(SIGHS)
Dick, it is getting late.
Maybe we should start.
Well, if the whole point of dinner
is to eat, then go ahead.
Well, I'm sure
Sam and Janet will understand.
- Yeah, they sound like great people.
- They are.
We shared with them
maybe one of the most hilarious
moments of our lives together.
- Remember, Joanna?
- The pub, right?
We're in this English pub.
The Horn and the Beagle.
- Right.
- DICK: Horn and the Beagle.
And we're drinking pints
of this really strong English ale, you know.
JOANNA: (LAUGHING) Yeah.
All of a sudden, Sam stands up,
and, in front of all these Englishmen,
he starts singing Yankee Doodle.
- In this English pub.
- JOANNA: Yeah.
In England.
See, that's why we enjoy them
so much, you know.
I mean, they were screaming at that.
I know people like that,
just good-time, fun-loving folks.
Exactly.
Can I have their fruit cup?
Knock, knock.
There they are. Perfect timing.
Sam and Janet Ebersol,
this is Leslie Vanderkellen.
- How do you do?
- Hi.
- Kirk Devane.
- Howdy.
- DICK: George Utley.
- Good to meet you.
- Thank you. Nice to meet you.
- Come on. Sit down.
George, put back the fruit cup.
- You weren't expecting us for dinner?
- You ate already?
We ate in town. We're sorry.
We didn't expect you to go to any trouble.
As a matter of fact,
we were in this little shop,
and we ran into another couple and...
Well, you know how we are on vacations.
And we started talking,
and one thing led to another,
and ll guess we just didn't
pay attention to the time.
- Well, you know, it's no big deal.
- Yeah, it was only dinner.
But we're really sorry.
We should have called.
Hey, it's the first night you're here.
We've got six more days of fun.
- Right.
- JANET: That's right.
And what have you got
on the agenda for tomorrow?
Eight hours of the greatest scenery
you have ever seen in your life.
You mean we're gonna check out
the girls at Dartmouth?
Well, then it's all set. We'll meet you
first thing in the morning for sightseeing.
And I bet it's gonna be great.
Yeah, they don't call it Vermont
for nothing.
Well, we're keeping you guys from eating,
so we'll see you in the morning
-and say goodnight.
- Night.
Oh, by the way, we've never stayed
in an inn before. If we need anything
in the middle of the night,
what do we do? Bang on your door?
Sure, ll can sleep through anything.
Would I be presumptuous
to ask again for the fruit cup?
Well, sandwiches packed,
thermos full, ready to go.
You know, seeing the sights with Sam
and Janet is gonna be hysterical.
- Yeah.
- You know, I better take along
a couple more rolls of film,
just for the first hour.
- Yoo-hoo.
- Morning.
(RINGING)
Joanna, we're going
to go through that door,
and whoever is on the other side
gets to spend the whole day
having fun with us.
Well, what do you know?
It's Sam and Janet.
Well, if you're ready, let's get started
on the Loudon grand tour of Vermont.
Which includes
the famous Loudon picnic lunch.
Well, listen, if you guys don't mind,
I think we're gonna take a rain check
on the grand tour.
A rain check?
Yeah, it completely slipped my mind
last night when we were talking about it,
but I have this aunt in Boston
and I promised her we'd drive up
and see her today.
You promised you'd see her today?
Yeah, well, it wouldn't matter so much,
but she's old and frail.
And I think, more important to us,
she's rich.
You understand, don't you?
Well, yeah. Yeah, we understand.
Don't we, Dick?
Yeah, you know, I guess. If you promised.
Well, listen, maybe we could call
and try and change it.
- Could you?
- Honey.
Yeah, forget I even said that.
Family comes first. You go to Boston.
Hey, it's only one day.
We still have five full days left.
- Five fun-filled days.
- That's right. We'll see you tonight.
Okay, and we'll have dinner
when you get back tonight.
I wouldn't plan on us for dinner.
We may have to stay longer than that.
Yeah, remember, she's rich.
Well, then,
we'll see you sometime tonight.
Great.
- Maybe a coffee.
- Whatever.
All right, then, we'll see you sometime
tonight for coffee or whatever.
- Right, see you then.
- We're looking forward to it.
- JANET: Bye-bye.
- Yeah, have a great day in Boston.
Well, those two haven't changed a bit.
They're having as much fun as ever.
Yeah, they just aren't having it with us.
Hi, Dick. Where's Leslie?
Hi, Kirk. She's out back. Is that a chicken?
Close, it's a pullet.
- What's a pullet?
- A young chicken.
That was close.
What are you doing with it?
She's on her way to meet Mr. Right.
I'm gonna mate her with the rooster.
Together they should be able
to produce enough chickens
to turn the Minuteman Café
into Kirk's Capon City.
- Heck of an idea.
- Thanks.
You know, I've got this great gimmick.
You know how in some seafood places
they have these large tanks of water
where they allow you to, you know,
pick out your own live lobsters?
Well, I'm gonna do the same thing
with chickens.
You're going to put chickens
in a tank of water?
Yes, Dick, I'm gonna drown the chickens
and then try to get people to eat them.
Come on, let's get into reality, shall we?
Obviously, they're gonna be in a coop.
Look, what I'm trying to say is,
the way I figure it, cashing in
is just a matter of time, patience
and letting these ugly birds
breed their little beaks off.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Have you seen Sam and Janet
yet this morning?
No, and I don't want to.
What time did they finally get in
last night?
I have no idea. I wasn't gonna stay up
until all hours of the morning,
waiting for them.
- How late did you stay up?
-2:00, 2:30.
Dick, do you think
they're trying to avoid us?
- Why would they be trying to do that?
- Maybe they think we're dull.
-1 don't think I'm dull.
- Do you think I'm dull?
I'm sorry, honey, what were you saying?
- I said, "Do you think I'm dull?"
-1 don't think either one of us are dull.
But even if we were,
they wouldn't have noticed.
- They haven't spent eight minutes with us.
- Well, what are we gonna do?
Well, I'll tell you one thing,
lam not gonna suggest going anywhere.
Because every time I do,
they have other plans.
If they wanna go somewhere today,
they're gonna have to suggest it.
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
Sam and Janet.
Mmm. That coffee smells great.
(CLEARS THROAT)
DICK: It's left over from last night.
Sorry about that.
You know, we didn't get in until after 3:00.
Hope nobody waited up.
- Sugar?
- Yeah, two please.
Honey, would you pass the sugar?
I wouldn't ask for the cream.
- Everything all right, Dick?
- Everything's fine.
Well, so what have you got planned
for today?
What have you guys
got planned for today?
Well, we don't have any plans.
We thought you'd have some.
We thought we'd wait and see
what you'd planned.
What is this, a standoff? Listen,
we thought you had this big, long list
of things you wanted to do. Let's do them.
Well, it's hard to know where to begin.
You know, we haven't even had dinner
with you guys yet.
Well, great, then dinner it is.
You name the place.
- Barney's?
- Barney's it is. What time?
-7:00.
-7:00.
All right, 7:00, Barney's. See you tonight.
See you later.
Am I crazy, or did we just lose
another day with them?
- SAM: This is a nice place, isn't it?
- Yeah, Joanna and I come here a lot.
I guess you could call it our spot.
Good evening, Mr. Ebersol.
How are you tonight?
- Eddie, nice to see you.
- Good to see you.
(PLAYING)
(ALL EXCLAIM)
- You remembered.
- JANET: Oh!
- How do you know all these people?
- Well, we ate here our first night here.
Mr. and Mrs. Ebersol, hi.
And who are your guests?
This is Dick and Joanna Loudon.
They live around here.
Oh, really? Well, hi, new faces.
- Hasn't she waited on us before?
- Everyone in here has waited on us before.
Well, isn't this fun? Now, this is what
we've been looking forward to.
So have we.
Well, come on now, guys.
We've been here for two days,
and you still haven't told us
how you happened to move to Vermont.
That's right. We want the whole story
right from the start.
- Well, I...
- Good evening, Mr. Ebersol.
- Hi.
- Mike, how are you?
SAM: Go ahead.
I'm something of a history buff,
you know, and so...
Say, excuse me, just one second.
Is that Milt Hanson over there?
Honey, I can't tell from this angle.
Well, it's not important.
Go ahead, go ahead. Sorry.
And I've always had this dream
about owning an inn.
Doggone it. That is Milt Hanson.
Honey, I think you're right.
So, one day I said to Joanna, you know,
"What the heck, you only live once."
Listen, can you hold that thought
for just one second?
We're gonna be right back.
- Hey, Milt, buddy, is that you?
- MILT: Sam, how are you?
We wound up here... And they're off again.
Boy, they make friends fast.
Well, why not? They're warm,
they're friendly, they're funny.
Come on over here. I want you
to meet these friends. Come on. This is...
Dick and Joanna, I want you to meet
two lovely people, Milt and Dottie Hanson.
We met them the first night we were here.
How are you?
You don't mind if they join us
for dinner, do you?
Well, of course they don't.
The more the merrier.
Mike, will you push two tables together
over here, please?
This couple is such fun.
They're from Anaheim.
- Oh, really?
- You know, Anaheim.
Hey, Dick, how about
shooting the four of us?
I'd love to, but all ll have is my camera.
- I don't understand it.
- What's the problem?
The rooster and the pullet, they
don't seem to be attracted to each other.
How do you know that?
Because Kirk's been out there
watching them.
- You've been watching them?
- Every day.
They just stare at each other
from opposite ends of the coop.
Well, if you're watching them
during the day,
did it ever occur to you that maybe
they're getting together at night?
That's when I watch.
Let me make sure I have this right.
The two of you are watching them
24 hours a day,
and they've never gone near each other?
- Right.
- Right.
And right now is the first time
in two days they've been alone?
- Right.
- Right.
Well, I don't know about you,
but if I were that rooster,
this is the moment I'd be waiting for.
Dick, I was just walking by
Sam and Janet's room
and their suitcases are out in the hall.
I think they're leaving.
- I know. ll saw them there, too.
- Do you believe this?
We set aside an entire week,
we don't see them for three days,
the one time we're together,
they spend the whole time
talking to another couple
and now they're leaving four days early.
Well, let's face it. They used us.
I mean, they're treating us like innkeepers.
You're right.
Well, if they're gonna
treat us like innkeepers,
I'm gonna act like an innkeeper.
- What are you gonna do?
- I'm gonna charge them.
- I'm leaving.
- Leslie, it's not gonna be an ugly scene.
You don't know that.
- He's right. You better go.
- Gone.
I mean, you're with me on this, right?
Honey, you know I feel just as strongly
about being used as you do.
- What do you think I should charge them?
-$10,000.
I like your style.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Checking out, are you?
Well, what makes you say that?
You're carrying your luggage,
you're heading toward the door.
In the hotel business,
we call that checking out.
We're not checking out.
We're just gonna drive up to Maine
for a couple days with the Hansons.
Yeah, we're gonna be back
the day after tomorrow
and finish out the week, just like we said.
And in the meantime,
since you two have been so terrific,
we want you to have this.
And we want you to have this.
- What is it?
- It's a bill for your stay here.
Look, it's beautiful.
It's made out just like a real bill.
Looks so official.
It is. It's an official bill.
- What?
- Sam?
Well, if you're gonna treat us
like innkeepers,
we're gonna treat you like guests.
Well, what are you talking about?
How did we treat you like innkeepers?
By ignoring us, by going off without us,
using this place as a pit stop.
They want us to pay.
You want us to pay, we'll pay.
- We don't want you to pay.
- Well, then what do you want?
We just want you to say you're sorry.
- We'll pay the bill.
- There is no bill.
What we're trying to tell you is
that we're hurt.
Well, this is just awful.
Honey. Honey, don't cry.
You're gonna spoil the trip.
I can't help it.
We were having such a good time and...
(WHINING)
Now, now, stop it.
It's just a misunderstanding.
Listen, they're angry and upset
because we didn't take
their friendship seriously enough.
Yes, and frankly,
I think we deserve an explanation.
Well, the explanation is very simple.
We're not your friends.
That's too simple.
Well, I mean, we're not your friends
the way you define friends.
I mean, you know, people you care about,
and you're concerned about their feelings,
and you wanna spend
every minute you can with them, and...
Well, we're just not like that.
We're fun junkies.
We're fun junkies, too.
No, no, you're not. You're friend junkies.
You see, you want long,
personal relationships,
and very close ties, and...
Well, we're just not like that.
That's not us. We're shallow.
Now, if you want us to say we're sorry
because of a misunderstanding,
then we will.
But if you want us to say we're sorry
because of who we are,
well, we can't do that.
Now, if you can accept that, that's fine.
And if you can't, that's fine, too.
But no matter what you feel,
you have to admit one thing.
We are fun people.
Listen, we gotta be going now.
You think about what we said,
and on the way back from Maine,
we're gonna call you.
And if you wanna get together,
we will and we'll have a ball.
And if you don't want to, we'll have a ball.
See you, friends.
Just kidding.
Bye-bye.
I really have no idea
if we'll ever see them again.
I know. But you know the nice thing
about people like that?
You don't care.
Need we say more?