Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 9, Episode 9 - No Pot to Pease In - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Good evening, family.

And welcome to the first annual

Bundy-financial-crisis
summit meeting.

Hello, Shop at Home network?

Yes, I'd like to order your
Brazilian amethyst dinner ring.

And can I get a
dinner to go with that?

While I have your attention,

let's go over some
of last month's bills.

I'm sure we'll find a little
fat here in our budget.

"Renewal notice for Big 'Uns."



Let's try another one here.

A-ha.

"The Larry Storch
School of Acting."

Al, becoming an actress
is very important to Kelly,

and you will not break her
heart by telling her she can't do it.

All right, Peg.

In that case, you get
a job to help pay for it.

Poor Kelly.

By the way, Peg,
you could do your part

by cutting down on this
shopping network too.

Hey, I don't shop that much.

Hey, Mom, the stuff
you ordered is here.

Oh, goody.

Hey, Dad, guess what happened.



I am up for a role in a sitcom.

It's called Pease in a Pod.

It's about this family
named the Peases

and they live in this
house, and their lives,

and what goes on in
their house and their lives.

Fox?

Yeah, how'd you know?

Oh, joy.

My Boxcar Willie tapes are here.

And my tiara.

I tell you, it is just like
Christmas, except with presents.

What else you got in...?

Mommy's stuff. Get out of here.

Anyway, I'm up for
the role of the daughter.

How's this for cosmic irony?

In real life, I actually am one.

What are the odds?

Indeed, but, pumpkin...

Daddy, I have to get this part.

I am perfect for it. Look.

"Blond,

"perky,

lit..."

"Literate."

Plus, add that to the skills
that I learned at Larry Storch's

and I'm a shoo-in.

Hey, Bud, tryouts are tomorrow.
Come help me rehearse my lines.

What's in it for me?

I'll let you touch a
picture of my friend Cindy.

Where?

[WHISPERS INAUDIBLY]

Ho-ho-ho.

Well, let's see.

I have an unemployed
actress for a daughter,

a son who'd have sex
with a fire hydrant...

Oh, happy day.

My TV Guide -cover
collector plates are here.

That.

I wonder where the next
bolt of lightning will strike?

I guess this isn't a
good time to tell him

I haven't been comfortable
with my sexuality lately.

"Snap, crackle, pop"?

Mom, why do they
always say that?

I mean, the snap, okay,

and maybe the crackle,
but you never hear the pop.

And what's the
deal with Trix...?

[CRIES OUT]

That'll be fine, Miss
Bundy. Thank you.

Well, you know, I
can do the scene

a couple different ways.

Can any of them be funny?

Okay, Half Dome.

We all know I'm not
gonna get this part,

but before I go, I have
to ask you one question.

I swear, Miss Bundy,

we would keep it just as
cold in here if you were a man.

And wearing a bra.

No, not that.

I was just wondering,

when did television
get so weird?

I mean, nobody eats
breakfast at the table anymore.

And cereal? I mean, come on.

When I was growing
up we were lucky

if we got toaster leavings.

"Toaster leavings"?

No, "leavings." The Q is silent.

They're the crumbs that you
find at the bottom of a toaster.

We were practically
raised on them.

"Toaster leavings..."

I like it. Write that down.

Come on, Ron. I'm a pro.

I'm not taking
notes from some kid.

Would you rather go
back to Full House?

"Toaster leavings," you say?

Tell us some more about
your family life, Miss Bundy.

Okay.

Well, first there's my father.

Now, you know how
you have the dad

and he's all happy
and glad to be home?

Well, in my family,
it's not really the case.

[♪♪♪]

Well, then of
course, there's me.

And that's what it's like
to be a part of my family.

Well, thank you, Miss Bundy.

That was enlightening.

So you mean I get to
be on Pease in a Pod?

No, but I am
casting for the lead

in The Mother Teresa Story.

Would you mind disrobing
and saying, "Oh, the children"?

Good evening, family.

And welcome to the
second first annual

Bundy-financial-crisis
summit meeting.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Daddy.

Guess what today is.

The pathetic
continuation of yesterday?

No. It's the premiere of
Pease in a Pod on Fox.

Hey, let's turn it on.

I gotta see that bimbo
they got to play my part.

Fox network viewing positions.

Peg, hit the button.

SINGERS [ON TV]: ♪
Take a mom and a dad ♪

♪ And two kids and a dog ♪

♪ Put them all in a
house With a mouse ♪

♪ You've got Pease in a pod ♪

♪ Pease, Pease,
Pease Pease in a pod ♪

Well, this certainly
looks like another winner.

PEG: Wow, that
room looks familiar.

AL: You know those
sitcoms, they all look alike.

BUD: Will you look at
that God-awful couch.

KELLY: Hey, that's funny.
In the scene that I read,

it started with everybody
eating breakfast.

Boy, does my life suck.

Thank God, I got
the house to myself.

Hey, Chuck.

BUCK: And they call me stupid.

I just hope Patty left
some dinner for me.

What's this?

PATTY: Dear, Mel.
I'm at the neighbours'.

Dinner's at the grocery store.

Wait a minute, I
don't remember this.

Hey, you know something, Peg?

This show is pretty good.

Stupid wife.

Now what am I supposed
to eat, toaster leavings?

Boy, does my life suck.

[LAUGHING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

Al, don't you notice
something familiar

about that Mel character?

Yeah, both of our lives suck.

Well, I guess it could
be a coincidence.

Hi, Mel, I'm home.

Look what I got from the
Shop at Home network.

A whole week's worth of bonbons.

Where are we
supposed to put them?

Well, I'm supposed
to keep them cool.

How about your side of the bed?

[MOUTHS WORDS]

[LAUGHING] Hey!
His side of the bed!

Well?

Well, I-I told them
about my family.

I didn't think they
were gonna steal it.

And what, pray tell, did
you tell them about me?

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Hi, Ben.

Hi, Naomi.

Can she and I go to
the movies tonight?

Son, don't you think it's
time you got a real girlfriend?

Dad, I do have
a real girlfriend.

It's just that this
one puts out.

[LAUGHING] It's a doll. Peg!

How pathetic.

Are you guys watching
this new show?

Ha-ha. This is the greatest.

It's like watching a family
of chimps that can talk.

No, it's not. It's us.

Kelly went down to
try out for the show,

she told the writers about
us and got plagiarized.

I did not! They
just took my idea.

Well, even so, I'd say it's time

we start looking at
ourselves and laughing more.

Yeah. Personally,
I'd be flattered

if somebody satirized us on TV.

Mel Pease, did you
back your Rambler

into our trash cans again?

Oh, hi, Marla.

Were those trash cans?

I thought the feed
store dropped off

another load of pigeon chow.

I am not a pigeon!

She's a pigeon.

Washington, are you going to let

him talk to me like that?

Hit him!

What? And break a nail?

Oh, so, what am I now?

Just some mindless,
pretty-boy, gold-digging gigolo?

You're darned right, I'm not.

What did you tell them
about yourself, Kel?

That you graduated from Yale?

Harvard.

Oh, come on. Just be thankful

at least one of our
reputations is still good.

Hi, Daddy.

MEL: Hi, Carrie.

I'm just gonna spend the night

with a few of my
school chums here.

Okay, buttercup, but don't
do anything I wouldn't do.

Which, in Mel's case,
means don't do anything.

[MOUTHS WORDS]

[LAUGHING]

Al, we've got to do something.

What?

Sue.

Sue Fox? To get what?

What, an NFL mug or a
lunch date with John Madden?

No, well, an apology
would be nice.

I say we go down there right
now and call them on it, Daddy.

"We"?

Please?

They took my creative virginity.

Yeah, she's got
a point there, Dad.

She could have still had that.

All right, we'll go down
there, but I'm warning you,

if they replace this
with Don Rickles again,

I'm gonna hold
you all responsible.

Oh, Al, a real
show-business sound stage.

Uh-oh. A real
show-business security guard.

I'll handle it, pumpkin.

Sorry, folks, this
set is off limits.

How'd you get by
the guard at the gate?

They were busy
searching Joe Piscopo.

What?

Piscopo's here again?

Now... Now, what do we do?

Well, find that Ron
Michaels guy, I guess.

Hey, there he is.

You know, I got a good
mind to just go over there

and give him a piece of it.

Although, if somebody
had a good mind

why would they wanna

share it with someone
they didn't like?

I mean, that would
kind of be like

having your cake
and meeting it too.

And what is the deal with Trix?

You know, I've always wondered...
Pumpkin, pumpkin, pumpkin.

Perhaps I ought to handle
this. Now, you just relax

and save your energy for the...

For the ride home.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Um, excuse me,
Mr. Michaels. I'm Al Bundy.

Here. It's the black
Cadillac with the gold trim,

and I want it detailed
inside and outside this time.

No, no, no. I'm here to...

Cadillac?

That's right.

Anyway...

I would just like to say that

I'm a huge, huge
fan of the show.

The acting, the writing...

BOTH: Hi, Ron.

The gratuitous use
of girls in short skirts.

Everything is just great.

Look, if I need someone to
suck up to me, I'll go to my writers.

What do you want?

Well, about a month
ago my daughter Kelly

auditioned for the part
of Carrie, didn't get it,

but when she
watched the premiere,

she thought you stole her
idea and trashed my family.

Now, I'm the kind of guy
who can roll with the punches,

but as you can see
my wife and kids

are pretty broken up about it.

Bundy,

I've been in this business
since my wife was a baby.

I've worked with the greats:

Bertinelli, Danza, Lenny,
Squiggy. All of them.

You know what I've learned?

What?

Nothing.

That's how TV works, Bundy.

No rhyme. No reason.

We learn less doing it than
you folks learn watching it.

Look, between you and me,

I'd rather be doing
Shakespeare or Keats,

but hey, a hit is a hit no
matter where it comes from.

Now, look here.

You betrayed the
trust of my little girl

and I think she
deserves an apology.

I mean, not one of those
phoney-baloney, show-biz types,

but I mean a really,
truly heartfelt...

How's 500 an episode and I never
see your wage-slave faces again?

Done.

Thank you, Mr. Michaels.

Oh, Dad. I saw that.

I thought we were
gonna stand on principle.

Well, we could, but I found
out you can reach a little higher

when you're standing on
a whole bunch of money.

Come on, family. It will
be a lot of money too.

This show is gonna be
a hit. It could run forever.

Oh, look, it's the Peases.

Let's go. Let's go.

Hi there, I'm...

I'm Al Bundy.

Ah.

Red Viper.

And I want the inside and
outside detailed this time.

Here's a Cadillac
for you, sweetheart.

Just think of it as an apology

that goes zero to
60 in seven seconds.

Hello, Shop at Home
network? Yes, I'd like to order

your Playmate of the Month
action figure set, please.

Al, don't you think
you ought to wait

until the show's
been on for a while

before spending a
year's worth of profits?

Called royalties, babe.

And no.

Hey, guys, it's almost
time for it to come on.

Fox network viewing
positions, please.

All right, Peg, hit the button.

MAN [ON TV]: Tonight on Fox:

Stay tuned for...

Ca-ching.

The Family Keats.

What?

Hi, guys, have you
heard the news?

They cancelled Pease in a Pod.

What?

But why? I thought it was a hit.

Well, some woman in
Michigan didn't like it.

She also didn't like
football, so that's gone too.

But on the bright side, I
hear some wonderful things

about this Keats-family thing.

SINGERS: ♪ In the 18th
century Was a man wrote poetry ♪

♪ And he had a family
It's the Family Keats ♪

MAN: Starring Don Rickles.

Peg, hand me the remote, please.

Dad, you have it
pointing the wrong way.

Not if there's a God, pumpkin.

[♪♪♪]