Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 9, Episode 10 - Dud Bowl - full transcript

After the funeral of a former football teammate at the Bullpen Sports Bar, an old rival, named Jack Franklin, challenges Al and his former team from Polk High into a grudge football match between them. But Al ends up being turned into a tackling dummy by ringers Bubba Smith, Laurence Taylor, Ken Stabler and John Reynolds on the opposing team.

[♪♪♪]

MEN SINGING: ♪ I once was lost ♪

♪ But now I'm found ♪

♪ Was blind ♪

♪ But now I see ♪

Who would like to say
a few words on behalf

of our dear departed
teammate Skippy?

I would.

Who's paying for this?

Well, the corpse of honor.

Where were we?



Saying something
nice about Skippy.

Why don't you do it, Al?

After all, you're the
one that found him

wedged in the bathroom stall.

Oh, all right, like I
haven't suffered enough.

Skippy was a pal

and our center.

And he was pound
for pound the...

Well, he's the
fattest guy I knew.

Hey, Al, could you hurry it
up? Halftime's almost over.

And in conclusion, the end.

All right, let's get
a little life in here.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Let's party!



Boy, I sure am
gonna miss old Skippy.

Yeah, what a guy, huh?

Weighed 400 pounds.

How can a guy let
himself go that way?

I don't know.

Hey, guys, the game's back on.

MAN [ON TV]: And welcome
back to the Fox game of the week

here on Fox.

But before we here
at Fox return you

to the Fox game of the week,

we'd like to remind you
that you're watching Fox.

We now return you to
the Fox game of the week

already in progress on Fox.

You know, if I could go
back 30 years in time,

you know what I would do?

Buy a second pair of pants?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

No, I'd come up with my own

little celebration
in the end zone.

Like the Ickey Shuffle.

Earnest Givens' Electric Slide.

In fact, if I was going to name
my All-Bundy dream team,

every guy on it
would have to know

how to party in the end zone.

Like Billy "White
Shoes" Johnson,

or Andre Rison, Butch Johnson,

and of course...

Of course, me.

Oh, what I wouldn't have given

just to have been
able to spike the ball in,

just one time.

But I guess I have
to settle for being

on the greatest undefeated
team in city history, hey, boys!

ALL: Hey! Hey! Number one!

You guys weren't so great.

["THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND
THE UGLY" THEME PLAYS]

You know, fella,

there was already one
funeral in here today.

Now, perhaps you didn't hear me.

I said, undefeated.

You wouldn't have been if
you'd played us that year.

Oh, yeah?

And who are you?

Jack Franklin.

I was halfback at
George S. Patton High.

Patton High.

What's the deal
with Patton High?

They were the only other
undefeated school in the league.

We were supposed to play
for the city championship,

but the game got cancelled. Why?

Why? Because they
were cheaters, that's why.

They used ringers.

Guys 25, 30 years old.

You had guys that old.

They were there
honestly. They were stupid.

Well, I think you're
all a bunch of pansies.

"Pansies"?

Pansies.

Hey, didn't they just
change Patton High's name

to Jacqueline Onassis High?

Yeah.

Yeah, and isn't the
team now known

as the Jackie O First Ladies?

"First Ladies"?

[LAUGHING]

I say we still would
have beaten you guys

and there is only
one way to settle it.

And that is?

["THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND
THE UGLY" THEME PLAYS]

So this Sunday we're going
down to the park, play football,

and settle this thing
once and for all.

Isn't that great, Peg?

No, Al. Great would
be if you flossed.

Dad, not that the
pride of watching

a middle-aged shoe salesman

and friends geezer up
and down a football field

until they vomit dust
won't be enough,

how are you gonna convince
anybody else to play?

Yeah, that's true, Daddy.

What if the other
teammates have lives?

I wouldn't worry about
that, pumpkin, if I were you.

These guys all look up to me.

Not really. No.

And besides, the pride of
the team is at stake here.

Most of the guys
are already here, Peg.

You know Rodent and Bob
Rooney and Buster and Speedy.

I called Thad, our
quarterback, in California.

He's flying in this morning.

Dad, aren't you
forgetting something?

Well, I'm trying to, son,
but she's sitting right there.

I meant your center, Dad.

Who's big enough
to replace Skippy?

That, I am proud to say, is
something I have thought of.

Hup one, hup two!

Boola-boola.

I gave him some of
your mother's sweat pants

she grew out of, Peg.

I even think I'm gonna
break my old record.

And this time I'm
gonna spike the ball!

[CHUCKLES]

[DOORBELL DINGS]

I just hope our
quarterback, Thad,

still has his throwing
arm. What am I saying?

Thad's the kind of
guy that never changes.

Hi, Al, it's me, Thad.

Al, you look just great.

Thad, you look...

like a freaking woman.

Thad. THAD: Peggy.

I thought you dropped
off the face of the earth.

Well, not all of me did.

[CHUCKLES]

I just love your dress.

And I just love your hair.

BOTH: Darling.

So, what are you guys
gonna do with the extra cup?

[LAUGHS]

Oh, I get it.

It's a gag!

[LAUGHING]

Oh, you always were a joker.

That's a good one, Thad.

Well, the ball's
in my court now.

Oh, Thad.

I had to do it, Al.

All those years,

I felt like a woman trapped
inside a man's body.

I just got so tired of it.

Yeah, but, we...

We all get tired
of our cars too,

we don't rip the doors off.

Now, how are we gonna
beat the First Ladies

without a quarterback?

[DOORBELL DINGS]

Jack Franklin.

What brings you to the
undefeated neighbourhood?

We heard your
quarterback is a woman.

Whoa, not bad.

Kind of overdid
the ta-tas, though.

That's not our quarterback.

Then who is she?

I don't know.

I'm Thad.

[AS THAD] I'm sure.

Still got your arm, Thad?

You make the call.

Hey, easy, now!

Sunday, Bundy.

We'll be there.

With bells on.

How are you feeling, Al?

Feel good, feel strong.

Nothing can stop me today.

PEG: Oh, Al.

I feel bad, I feel weak.

Now, honey, how long
is this game gonna take?

And I mean long for me.

Not long for you, which is
about three and a half minutes.

You see, Peg, the thing
is, it's meant to be fun.

I mean fun for
me, not fun for you,

which is shouting instructions
with a mouth full of crackers.

And what's she doing here?

I am here in support of
my sister-in-arms, Thad.

I hope that she wins
and somehow you don't.

I'm sorry, little boy. Did
you lose your parents?

KELLY: Hey, Daddy.

I have that cheer you
wanted me to write.

Finally, someone
here who's on my side.

Let's hear it, pumpkin.

Okay.

Yay...!

Daddy!

To think you weren't planned.

All right, Kelly. Let's
go find our seats

before all the good
ones are taken.

MARCY: I am so glad my Jefferson

doesn't have to prove
his manhood in this way.

PEG: Where is he?

MARCY: At home dyeing my shoes.

Well, if it isn't Jerk
and the Fatman.

Ready to get your
ass kicked, Bundy?

Nice colors, Franklin.

You look like a box
of Good & Plenty.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Good & Plenty.

Let's get it on.

Go get 'em.

Hey, wait for me.

Okay, Franklin, now
remember this ain't high school.

No cheating, no ringers.

Same for you guys too.

All right, let's get
the ref here. Yo, ref!

Okay. Ready for the
coin toss, gentlemen?

Ready, son...
Er, Bud... Er, ref.

Where's the coin?

Damn, and I left
my purse in the car.

We can't start the game
if we don't flip a coin.

JACK: Call it in the air.

BUD: Oh, God.

AL: Tails.

Tails it is.

It's your kick.

Hey, Al, don't some of the First
Ladies seem a little big to you?

Well, age will do that.

You know, look at Barbara Bush.

Seeing Daddy out
on the field of honor

like the first time
you ever saw him...

It must be really
exciting for you.

Shh!

MAN [ON TV]: Next on Oprah...

[BLOWING]

I got it! I got it!

Daddy caught it,
Ma. He's at the 20.

[THUDDING]

He is in the 20.

He's under the 20.

Way to block, guys.

We...

We thought you were
gonna go all the way.

Your helmet did.

Thank you.

Al, there's something wrong.

I don't think these
are the First Ladies.

Of course they're
the First Ladies.

Who the hell else would they be?

Excuse me.

Anybody here lose
a Super Bowl ring?

[MUTTERING]

Excuse me, sir. I lost one.

All right now, boys, remember,

the honor of Polk
is at stake here.

Besides, we can't
let our fans down.

Al, it's cold. We're
gonna go home, okay?

Peg, we're trying
to huddle here.

You never wanna huddle with me.

Well, put a helmet
and a face mask on

and we'll talk about it.

All right, the
hell with our fans.

This one's for us and...

And Baywatch's Pamela Anderson.

[ALL SHOUT]

Hey, number 56.

You don't look
like Morty Fishbein.

Well, I am, you schmuck.

Who'd ever thought
little Morty Fishbein

would grow up to look
like Lawrence Taylor?

Think that's something,

Eddie Yim grew up to
look like Bubba Smith.

Shut up.

Same old Eddie.

Except now he appears to
be a giant black man, though.

Hey, Al. I'd swear
that's Rod Martin,

Hacksaw Reynolds, and
Kenny Stabler over there.

Jefferson, there's nobody
over there but pink punks.

And what do Polk High
Panthers do to pink punks?

ALL: Pulverize the powder puffs!

Let's rock.

[♪♪♪]

Hike.

[BLOWS]

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

[BLOWS]

[BLOWING]

[CHUCKLES]

Had enough, Bundy?

I have not.

Neither have I. Who said that?

Come on, Al. You okay?

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

BUD: Two-minute warning.

Look, Al, I may not know
anything about the First Ladies,

but I know a ringer
when I see one.

And you, sir, are a ringer!

[SPEAKS FOREIGN DIALECT]

Bubba!

Oh, no.

So just going out
for some milk, huh?

Well...

The Snake, L.T. and
Hacksaw were gonna play.

If I didn't play

they'd call me a sissy
and give me the business.

Holy moly, here come the wives.

Talking about your
fearsome foursome.

Well?

Baby, have I told you lately
how pretty your eyes look?

Oh, really? And what
colour would they be?

A-ha!

So you are Lawrence Taylor.

And you are Kenny Stabler.

And you are Hacksaw Reynolds.

And you are Rod Martin.

And you are...

Eddie Yim.

Franklin, you
cheating pink weenie.

So you did use ringers.

Like we needed them.

You guys couldn't score
with your own wives.

And we're proud of that.

We can score on you.

New game. Sudden death.

And I don't care
if it takes all night.

Excuse me, Dad.

Your permit for the field
runs out in 10 minutes.

And I don't care if
it takes 10 minutes,

which is nine more than I need.

If I don't personally
score on you,

I will dance totally
nude at the sports bar

in front of everybody...

except Thad and the wife.

Then we both win.

[♪♪♪]

I did it. I did it! Polk rules!

Dad...

Out of my way, son.
You're in my spotlight.

You spiked it on
the 5-yard line.

What?

[FOOTSTEPS RUMBLING]

[♪♪♪]

What is it with
you football guys?

You pound on each other,
you abuse your own bodies,

why do you do it?

It's a man's thing. Yeah?

Commitment to excellence.

And it gets you
out of the house.

But most of all,
we do it for pride.

[♪♪♪]