Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 9, Episode 8 - Sleepless in Chicago - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

[GUNSHOTS]

[FIGHTING]

Hi, Daddy. Look at this.

The bad guy shoots
Superman a dozen times,

see the bullets bounce off,
so they throw their guns at him.

[SIGHS]

It's like they can't kill him

so they think they can
give him a really bad bruise.

What a bunch of morons.

Daddy, do you notice
anything different about me?



No, son.

Daddy, it's Kelly.

Tell her to come in.

I am already in.

And I am wearing a brunette wig.

"Why?" you ask.

Because I got picked to do a
public service announcement.

And I decided that I
should do it as a brunette

since blonds have a
reputation for being dumb.

Which we all know is
just a stereo system.

Pumpkin, Daddy is watching
a very important program.

It's called Superman.

What's the big S stand for?

Straight.



Can't be too careful
when you take

your pants off in a phone booth.

Now go away, honey,

I'm studying this
kryptonite thing.

If it'll stop Superman,

it might just work
on your mother.

Fine. You never pay
any attention to me.

It's why I seek the cash
and affection of older men.

That's nice, pumpkin.

And I do pay attention.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Peg.

It's me, Dad.

I got to tell you about my day.

I had to give a driving test
to a woman who was so fat

they had to shoot
her license photo

with the Hubble Telescope.

Son, listen to me.
I don't have time

for one of your shaggy,
fat-woman stories.

You never listen to anyone.

I listen to Superman.

He and Clark are very wise.

You're a sick man, Dad.

Hey, you're not a sick person

just because you watch Superman.

You're a sick person

if you think you
really are Superman.

[WIND BLOWING]

Hey, Al.

Ah, Jefferson.

Peg kept me up half the night.

Yeah, well, you're lucky.

Marcy kept half
of me up all night.

Hey, I'm on my way to
a memorabilia auction.

Want to buy Marcy one of
those original Barbie dolls

for her birthday.
You wanna come?

No. I don't care
much for memorabilia.

I live my life in the present.

Ooh, hey, Dragnet is on.

Al.

Guess what I won at bingo.

A concertina.

Come on, Jefferson, we'll
be late for that auction.

[PLAYING "BLOW THE
MAN DOWN" POORLY]

Do I have another bid?

Sold for $3200.

Michael Jackson's original nose.

Well, I hope the Barbie
bidding stays low.

I only brought 2 grand.

Two grand for a Barbie doll?

A real woman isn't
worth that much.

And the next item up for bid,

still in its original wrapper,

the first issue of Big 'Uns.

Twelve hundred dollars.

[BANGS GAVEL] Sold.

You don't have any money.

You got 2 grand.

Al, that is money
I took from Marcy

for her birthday present.

Jefferson, this is the
first issue of Big 'Uns.

There's 40 pages.
That's 80 'uns.

Okay. Maybe I can
find a Barbie for 800.

You won't be able to find
Woodstock Barbie for that.

[CHUCKLES]

W-Woodstock Barbie?

Oh, yes.

As any Barbiephile would know,

Woodstock Barbie comes
with elephant-like bell-bottoms

and in a poor boy top.

Oh, I'm prepared to
go as high as 10,000.

And I'm prepared to call
America's Most Wanted.

Oh, I was lucky to get

this Nurse Barbie for $800.

Oh, Look. They put
a bellybutton on her.

Well, I guess they
want little girls to know

how the human body really looks.

That's why married
Ken has no genitals.

Well, Jefferson, I'll
see you next week.

Oh, hi, honey.

Hey, Jefferson,

I have your auction
catalogue here.

You know, I can't believe

what people pay
for these old Barbies.

Especially the ones
with mistakes. Look.

A Barbie head on a Ken body

goes for $8000.

And look at this.

Fifty thousand dollars

for a Nurse Barbie
with a bellybutton.

I'll tell you, the things
people spend their money on.

Well, if anybody wants me

I'll be upstairs in my
new tanning bubble.

[LAUGHS]

Jefferson, it's $50,000.

Well, what are we gonna do?

We...

say goodbye to you...

and catch a plane to Aruba.

[LAUGHS]

[GASPS]

Al, it's Marcy.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

MARCY: Jefferson
Milhouse D'Arcy.

Open this door right now.

I can't give bellybutton
Barbie to Marcy.

It's more valuable than she is.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Okay, wait. Wait. I got an idea.

Go let her in. Go, go, go.

[KNOCKS AT DOOR]

Hey, Marcy, I thought
I heard some peckin'.

Out of my way, swamp gas.

That's Mr. Swamp Gas to you.

[CHUCKLES]

I-I'm sorry about
the door, honey.

I-I just didn't want you to
see your birthday present

before I got the price tag off.

Happy birthday.

A rawhide bone, Jefferson?

BUCK: Now give me back my bone

or I'm ripping everybody
a new bellybutton.

[GASPS]

Jefferson.

An original Nurse Barbie.

I've wanted this
doll all my life.

My parents never
let me have a Barbie.

Instead they bought me
a Chinese backscratcher.

I put clothes and makeup on
it, but it just wasn't the same.

Oh, thank you, honey.

I'm never letting
her out of my sight.

Me, neither.

[HUMMING "BLOW THE MAN DOWN"]

Hey, here comes Popeye.

Hey, Al,

you want to try my squeeze box?

No, Peg, you blew this man down

a long time ago.

Peg? Kelly?

Bud?

Ah, good. Bring on the Big 'Uns.

Hey, Dad.

Of course.

Well... [CLEARS THROAT]

[GROANS]

Today, while I was
giving a driving test...

I learned that, uh...

That windshields are made

from this stuff
called safety glass.

That's so no one
else will get hurt

when I go flying through it.

Now, look, son... [MOANS]

Son, look, it's not
that I don't care.

Oh, sure that's part of it.

But the main thing is I've got

something very important to do.

Big 'Uns?

Some bigger than
your entire body.

Now, son, you've
got two choices.

Get out or...

get the hell out.

Fine.

You never pay
any attention to me.

Is it any wonder I
seek the affections

of sleazy bar maids
and 25-cent movies?

Gee, now I feel bad.

Yep, now I feel good.

Look, Daddy,

I changed my mind.

I decided that it is
not the color of the hair

but the head that it's
stuck to, that's important.

Ergo, I have decided
to do the announcement

proudly wearing this blond wig.

Hah-hah.

But, pumpkin,

that's your real hair color.

Ah-hah. They don't know that.

[LAUGHS]

That's a good point, sweetheart.

Now, you leave Daddy alone now.

Okay.

KELLY [THINKING]: I don't
think Daddy was listening to me.

I'll bet he's got a Big
'Uns under the couch.

Oh, well, the important
thing to remember

is I'm going up the stairs,

up the stairs.

Wait. Where was I going?

Oh, yeah. Up the
stairs, up the stairs.

I got a big problem, Al.

Marcy hasn't let
go of that Barbie doll

since I gave it to her.

[SIGHS]

I need you to do
me a-a little favor.

Can I do it while I'm
readin' my magazine?

You know, that magazine
still belongs to me

until you've paid me for it.

What is the favor?

I need you to sleep with Marcy.

I don't mean sleep with her.

Just lie next to her so I
can have time to switch

that Barbie with the
regular Nurse Barbie.

The Barbiephile that
we saw at the auction

will give me $50,000
and the substitute.

It'd just take an hour
until I make the trade.

Huh? How about it?

[WHIMPERS] Jefferson.

Peg might wake up
and notice me gone

and then it might ruin

an otherwise-sickening marriage.

Hey, look, Al.

She's dancin'.

Ooh.

Oh, all right, I'll do it.

Al, I'm so glad you're home.

Gladys has just taught myself

and the entire neighborhood

"John Jacob
Jingleheimer Schmidt."

I'll leave my pajamas under
the weeping willow tree.

Good move.

Hit it, girls.

[PLAYING "JOHN JACOB
JINGLEHEIMER SCHMIDT" POORLY]

[SNORING]

[WHISPERING]
What took you so long?

You haven't lived till you heard

"Itsy Bitsy Spider"
played on a concertina.

And speaking of things
I'm afraid of with hairy legs,

let's get this thing over with.

You're sure she's
not gonna wake up?

Positive.

We just had sex three times.

And, uh,

I did her real good.

Okay, I switched the Barbie
with a Chinese backscratcher.

One hour, Jefferson.

You better be back
here in one hour.

One hour.

Oh, uh, and if you hear a noise

coming from across the hall,

that's just Marcy's
niece, Amber.

Anything else I should know?

Well, Marcy likes me to sleep

with my hand on her tush.

It'll keep her from wakin' up.

Jefferson, where are you?

[TICKING]

AL [THINKING]: Well,
Jefferson isn't back yet.

There's a shock.

Fifty grand in his pocket
and me with his wife.

Gee, who came out ahead?

To hell with this,
I'm gettin' out of here.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello? Peggy?

I'm worried about
Al. He's missing.

I thought maybe he
was with Jefferson.

No, my Jefferson's right here.

PEG [ON PHONE]: Ah, gee.

You know, his remote is cold.

And the toilet seat is dry.

Where do you think he could be?

Well, maybe he's
with another woman.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

Listen, don't you worry, Peggy,

if we hear anything,
we'll let you know.

[SWEETLY] Jefferson.

You want to take me again?

[WHIMPERS]

Oh, come on, I
don't mean to criticize

but you didn't really
satisfy me earlier.

Aunt Marcy, do you
have a heating pad?

Uh, there's one
in the nightstand.

Are you sick?

I'm on my period.
You know how it is.

Yeah, I know the feeling.

I've gone to the super
tampons lately myself.

AL [THINKING]: The
things that happen

when you forget to
pack your cyanide pill.

Even my breasts are swollen.

Want to see?

No, not here.

We don't want to
wake Uncle Jefferson.

Jefferson,

rub my back.

That's my chest.

[AL VOMITING]

[VOMITING VIOLENTLY]

[GROANS]

I can't get back
in bed with her.

But on the good side,
soon Marcy will get up,

I'll see her plucked
naked and drop dead.

I'm sorry I'm late, buddy.

I swapped the Barbies,
I got the 50 thou.

I was on my way back

when I got the urge to gamble.

I felt a lucky streak comin' on

so I decided to run
my 50 thou into 100.

Well, did you?

No, I lost it all.

So did I. I wouldn't go in
your bathroom if I were you.

Jeez, your shirt's all wet.

You even sweat in bed?

Those are tears, Jefferson.

Jefferson? [GASPS]

She's wakin' up. Go. Go.

I'm-I'm going.

[YELLS]

[THUDS]

Did you hear someone screaming?

Uh, yeah.

It was probably Al
falling from the window

after having slept with you.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[DOOR OPENS]

Al Bundy, where have you been?

Uh, uh...

s-sleeping with Marcy.

Don't you lie to me.

Ooh. You have been

at Shecky's All
Night Chicken Shack.

Haven't you?

And I've been up
all night, worried sick.

Pacing, fretting, cleaning...

Which I should do more often.

Do you know that I found a
magazine underneath that couch

that was over 40 years old?

Oh, no.

Where is it?

I threw it out.

Oh, Peg.

Peg, I want my Big 'Uns.

Oh, honey,

you want Big 'Uns?

I'll give you Big 'Uns.

No, I said, Big
'Uns. Not those ones.

[♪♪♪]