Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 9, Episode 6 - Business Still Sucks: Part 2 - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

BUCK: Last time on
Married With Children

I was neither fed,
walked or had a close-up.

Ah, that's better.

Last time on
Married With Children

Al was having a typical day

at the shoe store,
when suddenly:

Oh, what in Sam
Hill are you doing?

I'm breast-feeding.

But why?

'Cause he can't cook.



Besides, you just told me
it was all right if I fed him.

Well, I meant to give
him somethin' healthy,

like an Orange Bang.

Al made the lady leave,
but only temporarily.

How dare you deny her

her God-given right
to nurse her baby

whenever Mother Nature calls?

Breast-feeding is a
natural biological function.

So is peeing, but you don't
see me doing that in public.

Al stuck by his
guns on this one,

so you know his life
could've only gotten better.

MARCY: Company halt.

Present babies.

Express milk.



So, Al had no choice
but to counter protest

in his usual classy manner.

Present...

beer bellies.

Boogie down.

[MICHAEL SEMBELLO'S
"MANIAC" PLAYING]

And now, despite my
vehement objections,

Married With Children continues.

One, two, three, four

We will breast-feed
in your store

Two, four, six, eight
Hide your breasts or...

Wait a second, what
rhymes with eight?

Uh, get a date?

Uh, guess my weight. Urinate.

Well, this past week
there have been two fires,

a flood and a mass murder.

Unfortunately, none of
them here at Gary's Shoes

where I, Miranda Veracruz
de la Jolla Cardenal

have been since this
breast-feeding protest began.

But since I am here

I might as well
speak to the leader

of the counterdemonstration.

A former high
school football player,

current shoe salesman,

and future food stamp abuser,

Al Bundy.

Mr. Bundy, what is your
group trying to achieve here?

We wanna show the world
that men have a God-given right

to live in a breast-free
environment.

Don't get us wrong.

We're not some of
those sissy marys

who don't like breasts.

I mean, I'm not.

Of course, I can't vouch
for these other guys.

Our point is breasts
have no place

in a women's shoe store.

Unless they're on a pinup
calendar in a bathroom.

Or in one of them pens

where the bathing
suit disappears.

[EXCITED MURMURING]

Mr. Bundy, sorry to break
up the Mensa meeting

but how-how does your wife feel

about this protest?

Oh, I'm not married.

But if I was married, I'm
sure she'd be here for me.

Hi, Al.

Hello,

woman I've never seen before.

Oh, yeah, here you
wear the bag, but in bed...

Shh.

If you two don't mind,

I'll head over to the
other wing of the asylum.

Here she comes, girls.

Look fertile and oppressed.

Hi, honey. Brought
you your lunch.

It's just three
pieces of bread, Peg.

Yeah, it's a club
sandwich, hold the club.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Oh, I'd like to
hold the club, Peg.

Oh, well, I guess it's better

than yesterday's
hot-dog bun on rye.

Now, look, Al,

I know I'm not
supposed to ask you

about your business
or your future,

or why there's never a
pair of your dirty underwear

in the hamper,

but just how long is this
protest gonna continue?

Until we've made our point, Peg.

Which shouldn't be long
once these women realize

how united we men are.

MAN 1: Food. MAN 2:
Hey, burgers. Come on.

[GRUMBLES]

Hey, you're supposed to
bring the food back to us,

not eat it all yourself.

I hit a red light
on the way back.

Now, look, Al,

you've been gone a
week and I miss you.

There's no one to
take the trash out

and sex without you
just isn't the same.

Well, actually it is.

I want this protest
to be over right now.

Marcy, get over here.

Now, how long have
we been friends?

What, me and you, or me and her?

You and soap.

Why don't you two just
drop this whole thing?

Well, don't worry, Peggy,
this will all be over soon.

You see, Al and I have
already found a way

to settle our differences.

Our philosophical ones.

The physical ones
are still too close to call.

Actually, the key
was to find someone

who could track down
what the law says.

Someone neutral, with no
more loyalty to Al than to me.

So we picked your son, Bud.

And when he gets
back, we'll find out

that this is still the
United States of America,

where men have rights.

That's why George Washington
chopped down that tree,

called it macaroni.

That's why George
Hamilton and Raymond Burr

fought their famous duel.

And that's why
a lot of other guys

did a lot of other stuff.

Believe me, Marcy,

my government would
never rule against me.

Dad, they ruled against you.

Damn George Washington.
I wish he was dead.

WOMEN: We won! We won!
We won! We won! We won!

Well, it looks like Sucklegate,

much like my career,
has finally come to an end.

This is Miranda Veracruz
de la Jolla Cardenal

saying good night and yikes.

Oh, gee, Al,

I know you really put
a lot into this protest.

I'm sorry you lost.

Thanks, Peg. I knew
that you'd understand.

You know what I love
about America in the '90s?

Jockey for Her?

No.

It's that people like you

never get what they want.

It's so amusing to watch.

You try, but things
just never go your way.

That's what makes
this country great.

I don't care what the law says.

I do what I want, Marcy.

I laugh at the law.

[LAUGHS FORCEFULLY]

Hello, officer.

What brings you here?

The law.

You know, that thing
you were just laughin' at.

Come on, Dan, you're a guy.

I'm a cop first, Al.

Well, actually I'm
a cop about 11th.

I'm a lover first,

and then a bowler,

then a lover again.

And then sometimes late at
night I like to pretend I'm Barney

on Mission Impossible.

But anyway, I'm
here to uphold the law.

It's the job I've sworn to do.

Officer, someone's being
mugged in the food court.

Tell someone who cares.

Anyway, the law
says you can't stop

a woman from breast-feeding.

Sorry, Bundy, but
we live in an age

where everyone's rights
have to be respected.

Especially mine.

That's why I've got
seven citations here

for indecent exposure.

Seven?

But there's only six of us.

I know. I gave you two.

Come on. What's he
talking about, "indecent"?

I mean, we don't look so bad.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

[SCREAMING]

When did being born a
man become a crime?

Well, according to

The People of
Illinois v. Baby Hayes

it was, uh, May 12th, 1992.

Baby Hayes?

Yeah, he was born naked.

The nurse didn't like it,

sued him for sexual harassment.

They tried him as an adult,

and gave him the
electric highchair.

You'll be seein' it on Fox.

Come on, Dad, in all honesty,

why are you surprised in
having to see breast-feeding?

I mean, after all, this is
a women's shoe store.

It is, isn't it?

Yeah, Dad, and hold
onto your hairline,

you are a woman's shoe salesman.

I am, aren't I?

Mm-hm.

Well, that's enough for today.

I'll break the Dodge and
Mom to you some other time.

Son, you just gave
me a great idea.

I know how to get
around the law, Marcy,

and her cud-chewing
comrades permanently.

[LAUGHS FORCEFULLY]

Hey, Griff. GRIFF: Hey.

Dad. Son,

welcome to Gary's Shoes and
Accessories for Today's Man.

It even says so
on the sign. See?

Dad, the imprint of the
W and the O are still there.

Well, that's the way
it is with women, see?

Their imprint...

Their imprint is always there.

But, son, don't you see the
genius of what I've done?

Now that I just
sell men's shoes,

I never have to worry
about women coming

in the store at all.

I need shoes.

Uh, sorry, ma'am,

but this is now a
man's shoe store.

I need shoes. Right this way.

Well, at least we know
she's not gonna breast-feed.

But my idea is genius.

Just listen to the silence.

Hey, Al.

Listen, I came by to warn you,

Marcy's as mad as
a wet hen about this.

Well, that means
somewhere out there,

there's a wet hen
as mad as Marcy.

[CHUCKLES]

Look, you know she's
not gonna give up on this.

I mean, when she sinks
her teeth into something...

Well, if you wanna step in
the backroom, I'll show you.

No. That's okay,

I'll do a silent
scream from here.

But I'm glad she's mad at me.

That'll teach her to get into
a milking contest with me.

[CHUCKLES]

[PHONE RINGS] Get that, son.

Oh, and if it's your mother,

tell her I've remarried
and she gets the kids.

I feel good. Yep, I do.

Hey, uh,

Al, aren't you afraid
that Gary will find out

that you turned this
into a men's shoe store?

Who's Gary?

You know, Gary of Gary's Shoes.

Jefferson, I've
worked here 20 years...

Twenty years? Where
the hell has my life gone?

But anyway, I've
never even seen Gary.

I don't even know
if the Gary exists.

But I haven't been
this happy in years.

Let me just sit
back and revel in it.

Dad, that was Gary's
office on the phone.

Gary's flying in the
day after tomorrow

to take a personal
look at the store.

Uh, hello, La Crappé
Shoe Distributors?

Yeah. I'm Al Bundy. I returned
$20,000 worth of shoes.

Okay, 20,000 pesos.

Look, I need them back today.

Three weeks? Look, you
don't understand. My boss...

Hey, don't "ay caramba"
me in that sarcastic tone.

Now, I need those sh... Hello?

Oh, Dad, so you traded
your women's shoes

for men's shoes
without telling your boss.

It's not like when you
bought that $200 bowling ball

and you didn't tell Mom.

Now, that would be trouble.

Well, thank you, pumpkin.

You just spoiled your
mother's birthday present.

And let's not spoil your
father's birthday present.

He's getting a cocktail dress.

Quiet down, the two of you.

I gotta think.

Leave the wife. Leave the wife.

Gary's coming.

Gary's coming. [SNAPS]

Peg, you just gave me an idea.
You have shoes. Lots of shoes.

I can sell them.
Give them to me.

No. I need them.

Well, what does a woman need
with over 200 pairs of shoes?

Well, let's start
with the black ones.

You know, black is a basic,
so you need all the styles.

I have black flats
for casual outfits,

black mules for lounging,

black clogs for that retro look,

oh, and my black heels
for dressy occasions.

Kelly, come, I got a new idea.

Okay. And then

there's the black boots,

cowboy boots for boot cut jeans,

English riding boots for
tweedy suits and skirts,

oh, and yes, shoe boots,

for when you want that boot look

but you just can't commit to
the whole boot experience.

I tell you, and then it
goes on from there...

How do I do it?

I am a genius.

Would you have known
that five minutes ago

this was a man's shoe?

Well, yeah.

I defy anyone else to tell me

that these aren't
real ladies' shoes.

Pumpkin, let me explain again

what I want you
to do here for me.

Now, when Gary comes in,

I want you to act like
you're a customer.

If you do a good
job, Gary will think

that these are
really ladies' shoes.

And then Daddy won't
have to wrestle old women

for government cheese.

Can you do that
for Daddy, pumpkin?

Well, I don't know. How
tough are these old women?

You know, I-I really
think we can pull this off.

I mean, even if women can tell
that these aren't women's shoes,

Gary won't know the
difference. He's a man.

Hi, I'm Gary. I own this store.

Of course.

Excuse me, Mr. Shoe Daddy...

what a wonderful selection

of women's shoes.

I think I'll take this
lovely wiener pair.

They're so... women's.

Well, that's probably because

this is a woman's shoe store.

How much do I owe you?

Oh, you could never repay me.

Miss, uh...?

Bundy.

Anyway, as a satisfied

woman customer,

in this, a women's shoe store,

I insist that I pay.

Five, ten, fifteen.

What are you doin'?

Waiting for my change.

Get out.

I guess I'll see
you at home then.

You betcha.

Now, sweetheart, do me a favor

and leave the oven on
for Daddy, would you?

Okay.

Mr. Bundy? Uh,
one second, please.

Let me say one thing.

[SOBBING] Please.
Please, don't fire me.

I'm just a major stroke away
from a comfortable retirement.

Mr. Bundy, I have
holdings all over the world.

I own airlines, I own
oil wells, I own men.

Well, I'm-I'm-I'm for sale.

I said men. Sorry.

Anyhow, I almost made

the Forbes 400 last year.

I was number 401.

You know why?

You're too beautiful
to be perceived

as a successful business woman?

That's what I thought.

But, no.

It's because of this shoe store.

That was my second guess.

This is the only holding I have

that has never ever
made me any money.

And I think I know why.

[SNIVELING]
Please, don't fire me.

It's because of these shoes.

Did you know that underneath...?

Underneath this
patina of jaw-breakers

and double-sided tape
these are men's shoes?

The hell, you say.

Oh, of course you knew.

Oh, I did.

I'll get my lunchbox.

And obviously, you
had the acumen to know

that men's shoes don't sell.

Bundy, we're going to turn
this store into a moneymaker.

And you know how?

Tear it down, put up a Gap?

No.

We're going to turn it
into a women's shoe store.

A really cheap one.

And we'll cater to their needs.

There'll be bidets and
Michael Bolton music...

and a place where
they can breast-feed.

Congratulations, Mr. Bundy.

You're going to
sell women's shoes

for the rest of your life.

[MICHAEL BOLTON
MUSIC PLAYING IN STORE]

You have such a wonderful store.

I'm going to have
to tell all the women

in my cheesecake club about it.

Ow!

Oh, Al, I'm so glad to see you
finally dragged your knuckles

into the 20th century.

What came over you?

It certainly wasn't
a clean T-shirt.

That's right, Marcy,
feed the bears.

Excuse me, sir,

but do you have a place
I can put this dirty diaper?

No, I do not.

And this is where
I draw the line.

There will be no dirty
diapers in my shoe store.

Oh, no?

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Oh, no.

Ladies,

present loads.

[MICHAEL BOLTON MUSIC PLAYING]

[♪♪♪]