Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 9, Episode 5 - Business Sucks: Part 1 - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

GRIFF: All right, Bundy. We've
gone right. We've gone left.

I'm gonna have to send you
right up the middle. Can you do it?

I think so, coach.

Give me the shoe.

[GRUNTS]

On one. Break!

Hut.

[SCREAMING]

See?

I told you I was a size 5.



I'll take them. How much?

Thirty bucks for the shoes,

130 for labor.

All I've got is 20. Deal.

Oh, by the way, can we interest
you in our extended warranty?

It's 50 bucks extra,

but if you get stuck
and can't get 'em off,

we'll tow your big
ass back here for free.

Size 5.

Why can't women ever
admit to being anything

over a size 5? Yeah.

That's the good thing about
men. We don't lie about size.

Of course, I don't have to.

Well, neither do I.



Well. Neither do I.

Contest?

Let's rock.

May I show you something?

It better be shoes.

I-I got this one. Oh,
oh. It's my shoe store.

It's Gary's shoe store.

And Gary begat
me and I begat you,

so you begat away from me.

[PHONE RINGS]

Of course.

Hello, Peg.

PEG: Hi, honey.
I've got good news.

Mom's feeling better and can
finally get around on her own.

So can a planet, Peg.
What's that to me?

I'm coming home tomorrow night.

So I expect you to pick
me up at the train station.

All right, all right.

Now, my train
arrives at 8 p.m. on...

These are nice, but I
was looking for something

supple and long-lasting.

That would be me.

I'll be over at 8.

Hey, Griff. I thought
since your divorce you,

uh, you gave up on women.

That's not a woman.

That's a stripper
I got a shot with.

And she's dancing
tomorrow night at Club Gooey.

You wanna come?

No, I got something gooey

coming in on the
train tomorrow night.

[WHIMPERING]

Can I get you some shoes?

I'm just looking.

Well, how about some duct tape?

He's just hungry.

Well, I'm hungry too,
you don't see me crying.

At least not on the outside.

Is it okay if I feed him?

Ha, ha. Sure, go
ahead. I'm just kidding.

While you're at it, throw a
little something on for me.

[BOTH SCREAM]

What in sam hill are you doing?

I'm breast-feeding. Well, why?

Because he can't cook.

Besides, you just told me
it was all right if I fed him.

I meant to give him
something healthy,

like an Orange Bang.

You're gonna have... You're
gonna have to shut that thing off

and... And... And...

Ooze on down the road.

Let's go, Eric.

But believe me, this isn't
the last you've heard of this.

[GASPS]

So much for milk
doing a body good.

What is happening
to this country,

when a woman of the opposite sex

can just waddle into
your place of business,

your holy sanctuary,
and bare her breasts?

That's disgusting.

It's repulsive.

ANNOUNCER: Good
afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,

and thank you for
riding Am Train,

where our motto is,

"I think I can, I think I can."

Excuse me, ma'am.
Do you mind if I sit here?

Do you sell women's
shoes? God, no.

I transport radioactive
sludge across the country.

Well, as long as you
don't sell women's shoes.

Thank you.

So you're taking that
to a toxic-waste dump?

Yeah. Los Angeles.

Isn't it dangerous to be

carrying that
stuff on the train?

I wouldn't concern myself in
the least about that, ma'am.

We are the United
States government.

We know what we're doing.

[RAILS SCREECH]

MAN: Toxic spill.
Run for your lives.

Now, you're sure
these shoes aren't made

with any animal byproducts.

Not unless you've come across

a Naugahyde-asaurus lately.

Good. Because
it's against my belief

to upset the balance
of nature in any way.

That's why I haven't washed
my feet since I converted.

I hope I haven't offended you.

Well, you've got to have
lunch before you lose it.

You know, Griff, how come
you always get the normal people

and I always get
the sideshow folk?

Tell you what, Al, the
next one that walks in here

you can watch me work.

Hello, honey.

My name is Griff.

I own this mall.

Yeah, did you notice
his luxury Geo Metro

with the "Po Boy" vanity plates

parked in the, uh...

Parked in the executive level Z?

Hey, Dad? Mm.

Listen, we just got
a call from Mom.

Well, don't blame me, I
didn't give her the number.

Well, we have some good news
and we have some bad news.

There was a train
wreck, but Mom's okay.

So, what's the good news?

She wants you to
pick her up at 1 a.m.,

which is in the morning,
but I'm not sure what time.

Well, for you,
that would be, uh,

five guys past midnight.

Come to think of it, we
do have some garter belts.

But I'll have to take you
in the back for a fitting.

Isn't it dark back there?

Why, yes, I believe it is.

Okay, Erik and Lyle,

what else have you got to
put me out of my misery?

Well, I just got
another acting job.

Khalil's False Eye Emporium
is shooting their commercial

for their Peter
Falk birthday sale.

And they want me

to be their wink-wink girl.

You must be very proud.

I'll say. This could
be the springboard

to my own sitcom on Fox.

Well, usually that comes before

the Khalil eye job.

Anyway, I just need $100
for wardrobe and makeup.

Please, Daddy. I
promise I'll pay you back.

All right. Just buy
me a nice headstone.

We'll call it even.

You got it, big guy.

We're not really gonna buy
him a headstone, are we?

No. Mom already sold him

to that medical
school in Mexico.

GRIFF: So how's that
garter belt working out?

WOMAN: I can't tell.
There's no mirror in here.

GRIFF: Well, that's why
I brought this Polaroid.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

Oh, well, the wife's away
and the kids are gone.

At least there's no
one here to annoy me.

Al Bundy. Ah, no.

Did you banish this
woman and her child

from your store yesterday?

I did.

How dare you deny
her her God-given right

to nurse her baby whenever
Mother Nature calls.

Breast-feeding is a
natural biological function.

So is peeing, but you don't
see me doing that in public.

Well, the last time I looked,

the side of my
garage was in public.

Marcy.

You may have noticed that
this is a place of business.

[GRIFF SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

Are you going to allow
this woman to nurse or not?

Marcy, in the words
of your own people:

"Cluck no."

Then you leave me no choice.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Left, right, left, right,

left, right, left,
right, left, right.

Company halt!

Present babies.

Express milk.

ANNOUNCER: We apologize
for our little toxic incident,

but feel free to keep your
souvenir decontamination suits,

and thank you for
riding Am Train,

where we care

and we settle out of court.

Do you mind if I sit down?

Is that a pie you're carrying?

Yes, it is. Oh, park it, granny.

Decontamination sure
takes a lot out of you.

Not that the barium wasn't fun.

Would you like to have a
piece of banana cream pie?

Well, I'm on a diet,

but I'm sure bananas are on it.

That'll be $50.

Forget it. I'll just wait
till they serve dinner.

All right. Who ordered
the kosher meal?

Anyone? Anyone?

Okay. Here's your 50 bucks.

Now give me.

Ooh. Have you got a fork?

It'll cost you.

Well, never mind.

I'll just eat it just like this.

[CRASHING, GLASS SHATTERING]

ANNOUNCER: Attention,
Am Train survivors.

We seem to have run
into some minor difficulty.

Have you got a napkin?

Well, yes.

Twenty dollars.

Dad, I hate to bother
you again, but...

Well, there's a Kodak moment.

So, what do you want, son?

Mom just wanted me to tell you
she was in another train wreck.

Son, your mother
is a train wreck.

Now, as you can see,

I'm busy with
suckle-palooza here.

So is there any part of your
story that's of interest to me?

Just that Mom's
coming in at 3 a.m. now,

and she expects you to be there.

See you.

Well, the train
station at 3 a.m.

So I guess it'll just
be me and Streisand

picking up our loved
ones from Wanker County.

So, Al.

Now that you see
how serious we are,

are you ready to
listen to our demands?

Not yet.

Now I'm ready.

Fine.

Hit it, girls.

ALL: ♪ We shall not
we shall not be moved ♪

Go ahead, sing.

♪ We shall not We
shall not be moved ♪

Sing and nurse, nurse and sing,

but mark my words,
you shall not win this one.

Men will rally around me.

They will march
through the shadow

of the valley of your immensity,

and see the
righteousness of my cause.

For men are
trustworthy, loyal and...

♪ We shall not be moved ♪

♪ We shall not We
shall not be moved ♪

♪ We shall not We
shall not be moved ♪

♪ We shall not
We shall not be... ♪

Jefferson,

you little wuss.

How could you do
this to your own breed?

Marcy made me do it.

She said she didn't have
enough women for her protest,

so it was either
this or get a job.

Oh, how low. A job? I agree.

Not that, J. Edgar...
Give me this doll.

You know what I've a good
mind to do with this, don't you?

Give it back to the
little girl I took it from?

Exactly.

There, sweetie. That's a girl.

Ow!

Jefferson, you know
what this means?

Oh, no, don't tell the guys.

I couldn't take another
night of a thousand wedgies.

All right, there's one way

you can buy my silence.

That's cruel. That's horrible.

That's evil.

I'll do it.

Now that we've
weeded one traitor

out of the ranks,

let's see if we have any more

Mrs. Doubtfires here.

[GRUNTS]

You're a woman.

And you're a comet.

[ALL CHANTING]
One, two, three, four,

we will breast-feed
in your store.

One, two, three, four,

we will breast-feed
in your store.

Well, Bob, this is Miranda

Veracruz de la Jolla Cardinal

live at the mall, where the
so-called Chicago lactathon

is still going strong.

But yet, Mr. Bundy,

you seem strangely
unmoved. Why so?

Well, uh,

uh, Miranda.

First of all, I know that
I'm on the side of good.

And secondly,

I, uh, well, I-I
need the overtime.

Nonetheless, I can
see that this protest

has completely
paralysed your business.

I can see you've never
shopped in the store before.

Be that as it may, you
can't let this go on forever.

What do you plan to do?

Well, all I can say is, Al
Bundy never says "die."

Well, he... He
says "die," he just...

He just never does.
JEFFERSON: Psst.

Uh, if you'll just bring
your cameras this way,

you will see the master at work.

Now, Marcy.

Before I unleash
my ultimate weapon,

I'm going to be
gracious and give you

and your Milk Duds there a...

A chance to hoof
it on out of here.

What do you say?

No way, Old Smeller.

We have drawn
our line in the sand

and we shall not be moved.

ALL: Yeah! Fine.

If you want an all-out war,

you've got one.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

No Ma'am heavyweight
division, company halt.

Present...

beer bellies!

Boogie down.

♪ Maniac ♪

♪ On the floor ♪

♪ And she's dancing like ♪

♪ She's never danced before ♪

What the hell is going on here?

Counterprotest. We're dancing.

Hell, that ain't dancing.

This is dancing.

One, two, three, four,

we will breast-feed
in your store.

One, two, three, four.

[BUZZES]

Bud, wake up.

Oh, La Toya.

Did you foresee
our love in advance?

Bud, wake up.

You were dreaming again.

Was it the Judds?

No, the Jacksons.

It wasn't Tito, was it?

I'm afraid so.

He was just, um,
teaching me how to dance.

Oh, who cares. Look, my
commercial's coming on

for Khalil's False Eye-Emporium.

Hi, I'm Kelly for Khalil's...

ANNOUNCER: We now bring
you this important news bulletin.

Just my luck.

Every time I get a commercial,

some stupid war breaks out

in some stupid country
I can't even pronounce.

That could be France.

I said "country."

WOMEN [CHANTING]:
One, two, three, four,

we will breast-feed
in your store.

I'm Miranda Veracruz
de la Jolla Cardinal

still here at Gary's Shoe Store

because, quite frankly, I
have a mortgage to pay.

It's really anyone's guess
how this one will turn out.

But my guess is,
since it's 4 a.m.,

you're either watching
Gilligan's Island

or you're on it.

ANNOUNCER: Another
late-breaking story.

An unidentified woman
waiting for her husband

was chased from
the train station

by a gang of people
at 3 a.m. this morning.

But then again, this is Chicago,

so that's not really news.
Back to you, Miranda.

What kind of woman would
hang out at the train station

at 3:00 in the morning?

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Hi, kids. I'm home.

So where's your father?

This better be good.

Oh, it is.

WOMEN [CHANTING]:
One, two, three, four,

we will breast-feed
in your store.

One, two, three, four.

[♪♪♪]