Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 9, Episode 4 - Naughty But Niece - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

I'm so glad you're my
Physics lab partner, Breezy.

Ah, sure, I could've
gotten an easy A

teaming up with a Korean kid,

but, uh, I prefer a challenge.

Oh, Bud.

I've watched you every
day in Quantum Mechanics.

I just love the way you
glide your fingers sensuously

over your Texas Instruments.

Take me.

Another dream, Dad?



Another dream, son.

Why didn't you stop
me? There's a game on.

Sorry about that, Dad.

I haven't slept much 'cause
I'm studying for a scholarship.

The test is tomorrow
and if I ace it,

I'll get to study at Oxford.

You have heard of Oxford?

Heard of it? Hell, I've
been selling 'em for years.

Actually, Dad, Oxford
is a university in Eng...

Whoops. Cheerleader
routine, son.

Okay, fine, but I gotta study,
so can you try to keep it down?

Gotcha.

Cut to the left.
Cut to the left.

Now. Go for the end zone.



I thought you were
watching cheerleaders.

I am. Damn cameraman's
shooting their faces.

Dad, remember, the scholarship?

Son, remember, your room?
Why don't you study upstairs?

Because Kelly's blasting
music in her room.

Some band she wants
to see, Otitis Media.

What a stupid
name. Otitis Media?

No, Kelly.

Never liked that name.

Always wanted to call her Spike.

Of course, I wanted a son.
Never got one. Damn wife.

[MUTTERING]

Dad, can you stop
"seniling" around

and turn this game off
long enough for me to study?

Son, this game is important.
The Bears are playing the Rams.

And if you lose to the Rams,
you get thrown out of the league.

Why am I fighting?

I know where the quietest
place in the world is.

Bud, I've come to
make love to you.

I want you to rub my tootsies

and then show me
something in a size six.

I only carry a nine.

Oooh.

Oh, this is so exciting
for me, mon chéri.

Now, if you'll allow me to
nibble on your love grapes.

I found this in back,

if you wanna make
the one you got jealous.

Who are you? Name's
Griff. I work here.

That's funny. Dad never
told me he hired another guy.

And who are you? Bud.
Al Bundy's my father.

That's funny. He never
told me he had a son.

Daughter? Nope.

Wife? Not living.

Four touchdowns in one
game? Oh, hell, yeah.

That's why I told
him to go home.

I couldn't stand it anymore.

Look, uh, this is
not what you think.

I've been studying so
hard for this scholarship

that I tend to fall asleep.

If you're looking for
some peace and quiet,

I won't bother you anymore.

I'm just here 'cause I don't
have any other place to go.

[SIGHS]

I used to have a place to go.

Then I got divorced.

Now I got two places I don't go.

Yup.

Divorced.

She got the house,
the car, the money.

I got the right
to remain silent.

But that's fair, I guess.

'Course, what
really ticks me off

is that even Michael
Jackson's married and I'm not.

But I'm not bitter.

You go on back to your studying.

[SOBBING]

[TV BLARING]

[SIGHS]

Dad, I've gotta
study, all right?

Go ahead. Who's stopping you?

[PHONE RINGS]

Get that, will you?

Why do I suddenly feel I'm
in the presence of great evil?

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Bud. Look, I can't talk long,
honey. [PIGS SQUEALING]

I just called to give
you a Grandma update.

The doctors have told us

that she can take those
long walks in the woods again

as long as she wears
the orange drop cloth.

Oh, yes, and Aunt Sadie is
making you the cutest sweater.

You know, her eye has
stopped leaking now.

Of course, her
ear has started to.

[SPED-UP SPEECH]

And we're hoping, with any luck,

they'll be able to separate
the twins next Friday.

So, honey, what's
going on there?

Well, there's
this scholarship...

Oops.

Time's up. Gotta go.

[LOUDLY] Daddy,
guess what I just heard.

Otitis Media is in concert
right here and I have to go.

Please? It's only a
couple hundred dollars.

Kelly, at least have the decency

to take the headphones
off when I say no to you.

[LOUDLY] Please,
Dad, I have to go.

It's the greatest
band in the world.

Kelly, will you be quiet?!

Your brother's trying to study!

Sorry! Thank you!

Guess what.

We're going to have a
new addition to our family.

Well, shouldn't
you be sitting on it,

waiting for it to hatch?

Mrs. D'Arcy, you're
gonna have a baby?

Better.

We're gonna have a teenager.

Well, then, can I
strongly recommend

that you have a caesarean?

No, Kelly.

My niece, Amber, is
coming from Los Angeles

to stay with us for a while.

Bud, you met Amber six years ago
when she was 13. You remember?

[SCREAMS]

Well, I think she's beautiful.

Yeah, but you think
Jefferson works.

I don't know about you,

but when I sweat
and don't enjoy it,

I call it work.

Anyway, Amber's parents
think she's been hanging out

with the wrong crowd in
L.A., getting a little too wild,

so I'm going to teach her
traditional Midwestern values.

What? Wearing print dresses,
serving lots of tuna casserole

and getting fat?

Exactly.

And while she's
here, you, Al Bundy,

are not to offend
her in any way.

And that includes going
outside with your shirt off.

Or bending over and
showing us that vertical smile

we've come to know and love.

If you don't like it, why
don't you put Amber

on the other side of your house?

Because our second bedroom
is the only place for her.

Uh, excuse me, Marcie,
but that's my billiard room.

Not anymore.

Even my little solarium
where I sit by the window

and watch people go to work?

But I wave to you each morning
until you've rounded the corner.

You'd take that
joy away from me?

What am I gonna do?

Get a job?

No, really. What am I gonna do?

It's Amber's room.

Oh! Oh, this is just great.

Now everybody's
got a room but me.

Kelly's got a room, Bud's
got a room, Al's got...

So now I'm no
better off than Al?

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

Hold it up, people! Enough!

I'm gonna put a
stop to this right now.

He's got a gun! [SCREAMS]

Now, here's what we're gonna do.

This is all the money I have.

So, Dad, here, take some
money and go to the nudie bar.

The game's not over. And
the Rams take the field.

Okay, it's over.

Thanks, son. Mm-hm.

Kelly, go get yourself
some concert tickets.

Thank you, Bud. If you
weren't my brother, I would...

You'd be surrendering your body

for an ice cream and
a pony ride. Get out.

Thank you.

Mrs. D'Arcy, take
Amber to the groomers.

I mean, the movies.

Uh, Bud?

Yeah?

Could I go to the
nudie bar with Al?

Oh, finally, some quiet.

It's just you and
me now, Buck boy.

BUCK: Uh-oh. I've seen
porno films that start like this.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

What is it?

Hi, I'm Marcie's niece, Amber.

You're Amber? Yeah.
I'm hiding from my aunt.

Do you mind if I get out
of these sticky clothes

and take a shower?

So now that you've
showered and lotioned up

and eaten a banana
in front of me...

What, uh...? What
brings you to Chicago?

Aunt Marcie sent me
first-class plane tickets. Oh.

It must have been
a great trip. It was.

I cashed them in and hitchhiked.

[LAUGHS]

But believe me, hitching
across the country

is not as safe as it sounds.

I mean, there were
some people so freaky,

I almost didn't get
in the car with them.

For instance, there
was this one guy

who picked me
up outside El Paso.

Not that I mind sharing...

[PIANO PLAYING]

I guess I should
have dressed up.

Hey, it's my fantasy.

You'll wear what I
want you to wear.

Again, it's my fantasy.

So I said:

"There must be something
besides my blouse

you can use as an oil rag."

Huh?

Oh, look at the
time. I gotta go.

If Aunt Marcie caught me here,

there's no telling
what she would do.

But I'm sure it would be boring.

See you. See you.

Cute girl. What
happened, wrong house?

No, Dad, that was
Mrs. D'Arcy's niece.

That was Amber.

Marcie's niece?

Must be from the
unfeathered side of the family.

Dad, uh, think she
and I could ever...?

Not a chance, son.

Thanks, Dad. Hey,
what's a father for?

Looking on the bright side,
Amber's living right next door.

So sooner or later, you'll
probably get to see her naked.

But whatever you do,
don't look at Marcie.

I did one time and
was clinically dead

for an hour and a half.

Psst!

Pssst!

Damn leaky rubber woman.

Bud, it's me, Amber.

Amber? What are
you doing over here?

Well, I had to go somewhere.

And since Aunt Marcie said
never ever, ever to come over here,

here I am.

Oooh.

I hurt my neck
climbing over the fence.

Could you rub it?

W-w-with my hands?

Surprise me.

BUD: Wait a minute. I
know what's happening.

I'm dreaming
again. Yeah, that's it.

As soon as I touch her, I'll be
in school without my pants on.

Come on, Bud, rub me. Hurry.

BUD: Hey, this is great.

Gee, I hope I don't wake up

with the whole
family staring at me...

again.

Ooh, your hands
feel so strong...

especially the right one.

Do you work out?

Kind of.

Odd.

I don't normally make
fun of myself in my dreams.

Still, this can't be real.

Oh, well, there's only
one way to know for sure.

Amber...

wanna have sex?

Sure.

BUD: Yup, it's a
dream, all right,

but who cares?

Oh, wow.

It was my first dream where
the girl actually said yes.

[SIGHS]

Hi, Bud.

Amber?

Shhh. It's 3 a.m.

Look, I've gotta go,

but I just want you to know

that you're by far the
best lover I've ever had.

It's like you really
know your body.

Yeah, well, you can
chalk that up to experience.

I mean, with women.

Not that I lay here at
night and feel myself up.

'Cause that would be
really pathetic and dumb.

[AIR HISSING]

Well, I better get
back. Um, Amber?

Can I see you tomorrow?

We'll see.

Kelly?

Next window.

I can't believe it.

After I went out of my way
to be quiet so you could study,

you didn't even
get the scholarship.

Now you'll be here
forever, like your mother.

Like me.

Don't forget me, Daddy.
And like Spike here.

You were supposed to
be the Bundy that made it.

Yeah. The Great White Pope.

Don't help Daddy, pumpkin.

Why do you think we
even had a second child?

We knew that nothing
was gonna happen here.

I guess I should
be punished, then.

Yes, you should. But how?

I say we put him in a sack

and throw him off
the Sears Tower.

Where the hell am
I gonna get a sack?

[MOUTHED SPEECH]

Dad, whatever you do, just
don't send me to my room,

especially for a whole week.

That would kill me.

You go to your room.

For one week.

You're a cruel
but, uh, fair man.

[♪♪♪]