Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 9, Episode 7 - Dial 'B' for Virgin - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

MAN 1 [OVER TV]: Now
stay tuned for the show

too good for television.

Wings? Wings.

WOMAN: We now return to Wings.

MAN 2: Our Wings marathon.

[MAN SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Wings.

I'd cancel my cable

if I wasn't stealing
it from the D'Arcys.

Hey, Dad.



[SIGHS]

I got a problem.

I, uh... I did
something really stupid.

Well, son, you
didn't marry, did you?

God, no.

No, I volunteered for
this program at college.

They assign you community
service work for extra credit.

Well, I was hoping to get
Save the Brazilian Rainforest.

Why? What do you care?

I wanted to see
naked women from Rio.

Well, you can do that
during wet gaucho night

at the nudie bar.

Well, the Brazilian course
got filled by the football team,

so they assigned me to the
only charity they had left open.



Which is?

[SIGHS]

I can't even tell you.

It's too humiliating
to talk about.

I'm just thankful the word
hasn't hit the streets yet.

Hey, Daddy, guess what.

Bud has been assigned
to the Virgin Hotline.

Well, we do know, however,

that word has hit the
old mattress behind the Y.

Virgin Hotline?

What the hell is
a Virgin Hotline?

Bud.

Well, Dad, you
probably don't know this,

but today, there's a big
movement toward celibacy.

Know it? Hell, I started it.

No, Dad. This is no
sex before marriage.

See, the hotline was set up

so that when virgins felt

in danger of losing
their... Their innocence,

they could call someone to be...

Nipped in the bud.

[LAUGHS]

Or counseled, for those of us
who breathe through our noses.

Ask him what the
phone number is, Dad.

Now, now, sweetheart,

the least we can be
is a little sensitive here.

What is the phone
number, pumpkin?

1-800-ZIPP-UP.

[LAUGHS] [LAUGHS]

Yeah, that's... That's
right, Gomer and Pyles.

Yuk it up.

Now, if I can ask a favor,

can we please keep
a lid on this one?

My answering the phones is
gonna be completely anonymous,

and I'd just as soon no
one else knew it was me.

Hey, Bud.

I heard on the radio.
You're on the Virgin Hotline.

They said Bud's
name on the radio?

Well, actually, it was a jingle.

Uh, let me see,
how did it go? Uh...

♪ If you're a virgin
With hormones surgin' ♪

♪ Keep on your undies
And call Bud Bundy's ♪

♪ Virgin Hotline ♪

That's catchy. [LAUGHING]

Thank you.

And with self-esteem intact,

I'm gonna get ready
for my orientation now.

Kelly. Mm-hm?

Would you be kind as to
insult me up the stairs, please?

Mm. My pleasure.

Now, when people call up,

do you merely
talk them out of sex

or do you send them
a picture of yourself

and scare the
pants back on them?

[LAUGHS]

Hey, Al, guess what.

They're having a
sale at the video store.

See? Right here.

So, what do I care?
Then go to the video store.

Well, I want you
to come with me.

Oh-ho-ho, no. That's
why we have cable, Peg.

You can see the best and
never leave your house. Watch.

MAN [OVER TV]: Tonight,
Tom Selleck in Mr. Baseball.

Then John Goodman is King Ralph.

But first, Wings.

I'll drive. Mm-hm.

Hey, you guys
mind if I hang out?

If I go home, Marcy will know

I'm not at my Unemployed
Anonymous meeting.

Eh, have a good time. Thanks.

[CLEARS THROAT]

MAN: Welcome to The Naked
Jell-O-Wrestling Championship.

Hey, that's a...

Hi.

I'm here for the, uh...
The Virgin Hotline.

I'm, uh... Bud Bundy. I know.

Your face has chastity
written all over it.

Really?

That damn Kelly.

My name is Miss Hardaway.

I am the founder
of Virgin Hotline.

Not that I haven't
had opportunities.

It's just that I prefer to
save myself for marriage.

Whose?

People don't understand
virgins these days, Mr. Bundy.

They don't realize

that we can have just
as much fun as they do

while remaining vertical,
with our toes uncurled,

and the saliva of our
passions held firmly

in our proud, unsullied mouths.

And there are so many
more exciting things to do

besides having sex.

Have you ever felt the soft
down of a newborn baby duck?

Ever collect little
ceramic unicorns?

Ever play Yahtzee?

No, you see, I'm not a virgin.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, come now, Mr. Bundy.

Here is your Virgin
Hotline handbook.

Memorize its pithy wisdom.

"Reach out and touch yourself"?

I love the '90s.

Oh. Time to take calls.

You man line one.
It's our busiest.

[BLOWING]

And remember, Mr. Bundy,

you will be counseling
these people

in their weakest moment.

You must be their
shelter in a storm,

their anchor in rough seas.

Their cold shower during heavy
Jimmy Smits reruns of L.A. Law.

You, Mr. Bundy, are
their last line of defense.

Can you do it?

BUD: You know, with
a little more makeup,

and her hair done
and some soft music...

Mr. Bundy?

Mm?

Can you do it?

Well, if the room was
real dark, I might...

Oh, you... You mean the phones.

Yeah, I can do the
phones. No problem.

[RINGS]

Watch.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hello, you're on
the Virgin Hotline.

This is your
counselor, eh, Eugene.

KELLY: Hi. My name
is Isis J. Blowup Doll.

And my boyfriend, Bud,

hasn't been able to
keep his hands off me

ever since I came
out of the box.

Now, should I try to stay firm

or just explode
and go to pieces?

Very funny, Kel, but
don't let me keep you.

I'm sure the trucker
paid for the whole hour.

Crank call. Ah.

Yes, we occasionally
get those too.

Usually from mean
people who have had sex.

But remember, Mr. Bundy,

they mock us
because they envy us.

Yeah, right.

[RINGS]

[SIGHS]

Virgin Hotline.

KELLY [DEEP
VOICE]: Hi, this is Buck.

I'm wearing nothing but my fur.

I miss you, Bud.

I miss our special
times together.

[PANTING]

Kelly, Kelly, please.

♪ I love you truly ♪

♪ Woof, woof, woof Woof, woof ♪

Oh, now, come now,
Mr. Bundy. Chin up.

People used to call me and
say they were my showerhead.

[RINGS]

[SIGHS]

What's the matter, Kelly? Is
your bed closed for repairs?

GIRL: Uh, is this
the right number?

My name is Esther,

and I thought I was
calling the Virgin Hotline.

Really?

[WHISPERS] This is a real call.

Uh, yeah, you're
on the Virgin Hotline.

I've been trying
to wait till marriage,

but everywhere you
look is sex, sex, sex.

Uh, well, uh, where
exactly are you?

Home, watching TV.

Oh, God, they're doing a
Bugle Boy jeans commercial.

Oh.

Oh, you're losing
her, Mr. Bundy.

Quick, do a TV talk-down.

TV talk-down?

Okay, Esther, now, listen to me.

We're gonna have to
take your mind off of sex.

Now... Now think of the guy
from the Zima commercials.

I can't.

Now Melrose Place is coming on.

Billy's taking his shirt off.

Mr. Bundy, we have a code red.
We're going to have to act fast.

I'll keep her talking.
You go to her house.

Say what? Don't argue.
Take your handbook

and your "Never Had It,
Never Will" Virgin Hotline cap.

Hurry, or I'm gonna
have to call my boyfriend.

Take my car. I'll
call with the address.

And, Bud,

you have a really cute tush.

Friday night and
what am I doing?

Talking a girl out of sex.

Oh, my God.

I am my father's Oldsmobile.

Well, let's get this over with.

Esther.

With a name like that, I
should have brought a chew toy.

Hi. I'm Esther. Save me.

Now, all we have to
do is find one movie

that we can both watch.

Hey, here's one.

Die, Scum-sucking Pig, Die.

Ray Walston and Sherman
Hemsley in a haunted house, Peg.

Al, you have rented
that 25 times already.

Well, it's good.

Oh, how about this? Four
Weddings and a Funeral.

That's kind of like five
of the same thing, isn't it?

Hey, how about
WrestleMania bloopers?

You could have taped
our honeymoon for that.

You know, Al, maybe you
should go your way and I'll go mine.

Really?

After all these years?
Thank you, Peg.

No, I mean in the video store.

Now go find a movie
we can both enjoy,

and be serious, Al.

Hey, Dorf on Skiing.

So.

Virgin, huh?

I just can't tell you
how tough it is today

for a woman to
maintain her chastity.

Every single girl I know is
just preoccupied with sex.

They'll have it with anyone,

anywhere,

anytime.

Really?

Well, if you'd just
give me their names,

their photos and
their phone numbers,

I'll get to the bottom of them.

I mean... I mean,
of it. Bottom of it.

No, Bud, please don't leave
before my mother gets home.

If I take my eyes off you, I
know I'll get all horny again.

I'm glad to be of service.

Can I get you
something to drink?

Well, you got anything, uh...

fresh squeezed?

I'll see.

I'm really sorry to drag you
out on a Friday night like this,

but I can't tell you
how much I appreciate

an organization like yours, Bud.

I don't understand what's
wrong with the world.

Everywhere you look, temptation.

Zima guy, Zima guy.

No, no, I mean, I mean, I
mean Roseanne, Roseanne.

Peg.

Diesel Head.

"A man and a monster
truck exchange brains"?

Like Emilio Estevez
would make a bad movie.

Look, Al, you have said no to
every movie that I've chosen.

Because every movie
you choose sucks.

Fried Green Tomatoes sucks?

MEN: Yes.

Now, look, obviously, we are
not gonna agree on anything.

I mean, why should movies
be any different than sex?

Well, can't eat popcorn
when you're having sex, Peg.

Al, let's just find something
to please both of us,

and do not go into
the adult section.

I don't even know
where the adult section is.

Ah, here are the classics.

Schindler's Lust.

Booty and the Beast.

And my favorite, Forrest Hump.

Oh, excuse me.
WOMAN: No problem.

Marcy.

Al.

It's not what you think.

Well, that's good, 'cause
I think I'm gonna heave.

I've just been monitoring
porn for my women's group.

We are sick of films that
exploit and degrade women,

and we are not going
to take it anymore.

Here are the tapes you asked
us to hold for you, ma'am.

Uh, Silence of the Loins

and The Joy Slut Club.

Shall I just charge those
to your house account?

Fine.

I'm taking these
home to erase them.

That'll show you men.

Do you have condoms?

Oh, Al, look what I found.

Like Water for
Chocolate. It's a love story.

What a coincidence, Peg,
I found a love story too.

Mrs. Assfire.

Water. Fire.

Water. Fire.

All right, Al, that's it.

You get what you
want, I'm going home.

Oh, now, wait, Peg.
This could be good.

Big 'Uns magazine guide
gives this two things up.

Al, I am not checking out porn.

Now, you would think

that, in a video
store of 10,000 tapes,

we could find at least one
movie that we would like...

BOTH: Butch Cassidy.

Oh, Al.

Now, here's a movie
we can agree on.

You remember when we were
dating and we saw this at the drive-in?

I remember that
we saw half of it.

[LAUGHS]

You know, I still have the
imprint of the Dodge logo

on my back. Ha-ha!

I can't believe you
still have that car.

Well, I can't believe
I still have you.

W-where were we, Peg?
Sharing a tender moment.

Oh, yeah.

You remember how
they kicked us out

for making too much noise?

Well, you were hurting me, Peg.

Well, we certainly
made up for it that night,

in my father's hall closet.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, Al. Yeah?

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Mrs. Assfire?

No. All right,
Butch Cassidy it is.

Oh, good. I heard it
has a happy ending.

[ALARM BEEPING]

All right, spread 'em, thief.

Oh, look at that, Peg.

You know, some people
just have no respect

for the personal
property of others. Ha!

[MUTTERS] Nothing
at all, I tell you.

M-E-L-O-N-S.

Melons.

Your turn.

So, what have you got?

N-nothing I can use.

Hi, honey, I'm home.

Hi, Mom. This is
my new friend Bud.

He's from... I know.
The Virgin Hotline.

I saw your picture
on the side of a bus.

Great. You wouldn't happen
to know where that bus is

so I could throw
myself in front of it?

Oh, they're everywhere, hon.

And I'm so glad
that you were here

to help Esther in
her time of need.

Now, young lady,

it's time for you to
do your homework.

Okay, Mom.

And thank you, Bud.

Keep in touch.

Well, I didn't mean with me.

I meant with herself.

Well, not with herself,

w-with her schoolwork. See you.

Well, I'd like to
thank you too, Bud.

If there had been a Virgin
Hotline when I was her age,

I might have known
who her father was.

Well, knowing who your father
is isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Is there any way
I can repay you?

No, ma'am, no. No,
according to the book,

we're not allowed to take
any kind of compensation.

Even if it's these?

Didn't say anything about tips.

♪ ...I'm free ♪

♪ Nothing's worrying me ♪

Mom, Dad, I'm going out.

Mom? Dad?

[SIGHS]

Butch Cassidy and
the Sundance Kid.

Now, why would you rent
a movie and not watch it?

It's like renting a hotel room

and not ripping
off the honor bar.

Old people do the
dumbest things.

[SIGHS]

Thank you.

[♪♪♪]