Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 9, Episode 23 - User Friendly - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Mom.

Oh, Kelly, something
horrible has happened.

Okay, don't worry,
Mom. I'm gonna call 911.

Oh, my God, I forgot
the number. Oh, God!

Oh, my God. Oh, God.

Oh, Kelly, it's okay.

It's just that none
of my shows are on.

Look.

I-I turn to Oprah,

and I get Monster Truckin'.



I... I turn to Phil,

and it's midget wrestling.

And look, I turn to Richard Bey

and it's a wet T-shirt contest.

Oh, wait a second.

That is Richard Bey.

Who could have done this to me?

Hi, Peg.

How was Oprah?

Oprah wasn't on today, Al.

[GIGGLES]

And she won't be on
tomorrow either, Peg.

Why?

Because I had the cable
company take her off. See?



The "Guy Package"?

Yeah.

With femme block.

See, it's a new
service they offer men,

and some female tennis players,

who are tired of
watching girlie crap.

See, Peg, it's my week off

and I want to spend
it watching quality TV.

Oh. You mean,
like monster movies,

jiggly shows, and
The Three Stooges?

[AS CURLY] Certainly.

MAN [ON TV]: And now,
the exciting conclusion

of the Centerfold
Weed-Whacker Murders,

on The Guy Channel.

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

That's it. I'm going
over to Marcy's.

Uh, tell her I said: "Cluck."

God, Daddy, you can really
be insensitive sometimes.

I know. Keep it down, pumpkin.

See, this is the part where the
camp counselor sprains her knee

running away
from the lizard king.

She doesn't have any
bandages so she has to cut strips

from her already
too-short skirt.

Now, this is the part I gotta
ask you to leave, pumpkin.

Dad.

[WOMAN SCREAMS ON TV]

Guy package, Dad?

With femme block, son.

Kelly, guess what?

I've been chosen to
be in a research study

about human behavior.

So where do you fit in?

Well, unlike you, in
the front seat of a car.

But that's another story.

The point is, they're
paying me 300 bucks,

which should earn
me first-class passage

on the old Amber airlines.

Yeah, like she's really
knocking down the door

to see you again
after your little

movie-theatre-popcorn trick.

Hi, Bud.

Hi, Kelly. Hey,
Amber, what's up?

Your mom needs her TV Guide.

She says it's in the
room of broken promises.

Ah. That would be
in her bedroom. Okay.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Amber, my sweet.

Uh, it has come to my attention

that I may have been a bit
forward with you in the past.

You mean like when
you grabbed my shirt

and went "Honk, honk"?

Well, yeah.

And I was thinking that maybe

I could make it up
to you this weekend.

Your pants or mine?

[SIGHS]

You're amazing. Where do
you learn this kind of behavior?

No, you can't hide
under the tree stump.

He can burrow.

Don't you see? He's half mole!

[LAUGHS]

Well, anyway. For
your information,

a woman is more than a
loose assortment of body parts

put here for your entertainment.

We have minds too.

Hey, guys. This is so funny.

What a great idea. Look.

"Beverly Hills, 90,210."

Boy, they must be really dumb.

That far in the future,
they're still in high school.

Look, Amber. Amber.

I do respect your mind.

I'd just respect it even more

if it would bounce
gently when you walk.

Mm. Smooth.

Kelly, what am I missing?

Well, why don't we
make this quicker

and talk about what you've got.

Okay. Well, then,
what have I got?

Nothing. See how quick that was?

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, God.

Save me, Al.

I walk in the door after
a hard day of billiards

and what do I see?

Peggy and Marcy
sitting on the couch

watching, on Oprah,
"Women Who Support Men."

Where do they find these losers?

You got anything to eat?

Check the traps.

Hey, Al, you know,

I've always been
meaning to ask you,

what does this switch do?

I don't know. Get
over here and sit down.

That's your problem,
you know that?

What? You don't
know how to relax.

Mm.

What the hell does
that switch do?

Jefferson?

Mm?

See what happens when
you pull this blue wire.

Blue...

Ow!

Two-point-six billion
men on the planet

and we didn't marry any of them.

Come on, Al.
Call an electrician.

I will not.

Just because someone
calls himself an electrician

doesn't mean he knows
any more about electricity

than the average guy.

[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]

Just as I thought.

Mr. Bundy, I'm Sandy.

Welcome to our study
on human sexuality.

We're going to be exploring
your deepest desires

in our cybersex experiment.

We are?

Well, if that's okay.

Because some
people are shy and...

Aren't we an eager beaver.

Now, I have something
for you to put on.

Uh, well, no need. I'm...
I'm already wearing one.

I think we're a
tad confused, Bud.

You see, you will
be wearing this

as you enter a
world of virtual reality,

and based on your
answers to our survey

we will create your
ideal sexual experience.

I-I see. I see.

So... So technically speaking,

who will I be boinking?

Your image of the perfect mate.

Ah.

That shouldn't be a problem.

But who...? Who's
gonna hold the magazine?

Okay, one more wire
and we'll be all hooked up.

We're hooked up.

Ah, this is Dr. Kessler.

He created this experiment.

Dr. Kessler, this is Bud Bundy.

Uh, look, Dr. Kessler,

I don't mean to
doubt your little, uh...

Your little pleasure pouch here,

but, see, you're dealing with
a guy who's had the real thing

more times than there
are stars in the sky.

There are more than four
stars in the sky, Mr. Bundy.

Sure, once you get away
from the city and you can...

Mm. We'll monitor his vital
signs from the next room.

I have a feeling it
could get ugly in here.

Doc, the point is

[ON SPEAKER] nothing
can duplicate the real thing.

There's not a
machine in the world

that can actually recreate s...

[♪♪♪]

Excuse me, while I kiss the sky.

Oh, big surprise. I'm alone.

My perfect mate is myself.

Last time I tell the
truth on a sex survey.

Amber?

Surprised to see me
in your fantasy, Bud?

No.

No, not at all.

I mean, it is my fantasy.

So...

So now what do we do?

We have sex.

We do?

You mean... You
mean, just like that?

None of that
pretending to respect you

or any of that other junk women
devote entire magazines to?

Nope.

Do with me what you will.

Honk, honk.

Oh, I recognize
this. It's foreplay.

Either that or he
has a spastic colon.

Oh, baby, what you do.

Yeah, it's his colon.

Let's get a second opinion.

Hey, Bruno.

What does this look like to you?

Looks like I'm gonna
need a bigger mop.

Jefferson?

JEFFERSON: Yeah?

See what happens when I do this:

[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]

[JEFFERSON SHRIEKS]

Good. Still got power upstairs.

You know, I bet
we could teach them

to smoke cigars
and ride tricycles.

Al, are you ready
to call an electrician?

I will not. I'm gonna find out
what this darn switch does

if it kills me and Jefferson.

[BANGING ON DOOR]

Aha! Our secret weapon.

Now we'll get to the
bottom of this, Peg.

Let's do it.

Bob Rooney? He's a butcher.

Hence the genius of it.

You see, he owns the
entire Time Life series

on household wiring.

Oh. Eh, actually, Al, I
don't have those anymore.

My wife made me send them back.

Uh, not before you read
them in the john, right?

Do you know me, or what?

[LAUGHS]

Okay.

Tell us where
the circuit box is.

Outside.

Aha! Heh-heh-heh.

Thank God for Bob Rooney.

We could have
been inside for days.

Guys, please
call an electrician.

ALL: We will not!

[SIGHS]

I don't know.

Maybe I was too hard
on Bud the other day.

I mean, he is sort of
cute, don't you think?

Well, yeah,

in a crypt-keeper kind of a way.

Look, Amber, I know
that he really likes you.

Well, maybe I should
give him a break.

Oh.

Hi, Bud.

I've been thinking
about your invitation,

and I'm free Friday.

Oh, good. Good.

You can spend it
hanging with Mr. Cooper.

As for me, I'm kind of busy.

I'll see you tomorrow.

In your dreams.

Uh-huh. Yeah, you bet ya.

This, this, this.

Al, there is not an
eyebrow left among you.

Please call someone.

I will not.

All we have to do, Peg,

is find out where the
last few of these wires go

and I can start
my vacation anew.

And what about Bob Rooney?

You know, he's been
missing for two days.

Bob Rooney's not missing.

Right, Bob Rooney?

BOB: Right, Al.

See, he's in the wall.

He is stuck in our house, Al.

Like he's the only one.

[MUTTERING]

Hey, good news, Al.

Griff thinks he's traced
the problem. Here.

Hang onto this dead wire while
we go down to the basement.

Alrighty.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Odd.

I see my entire life
flashing before my eyes.

And that only
happens right before...

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

Hey, Daddy, we need to talk.

What's that smell?

Some hair. Some skin.

What's up?

It's Bud, Dad.

He hasn't showered in four days,

he disappears at night,

and he has no interest in
the opposite sex anymore.

And the problem is?

Daddy, he's like that
and he's not even married.

Pumpkin, pumpkin, if there
was something up with Bud,

don't you think I would know it?

Son, are you okay?

Mm. Oh, yeah.

See? Father always knows best.

Now, excuse me. There's two
guys in the basement I've gotta kill.

Hey, Bud. What's in the box?

Eh, just some old things
I don't need anymore.

Your porno magazines
and your rubber dolls.

Okay, Bud, I don't understand.

First you blow off Amber,

the only woman who
has ever touched you

without saying,
"Excuse me, sonny."

And now this?

Look, Kelly. I don't need
Amber, okay. I have her.

Dr. Kessler introduced
me to cybersex

and I can create
Amber any time I want.

But she's not the real Amber.

Oh, she's better.

She does what I want,
whenever I want it.

You see, Kel, this
is the breakthrough

that men have been waiting
for since the beginning of time.

You know what? It looks like
you and your cross-legged,

"let's talk," gift-expecting,

ordering-the-most-expensive-
thing-on-the-menu,

"what about me?" bimbo sapiens
are about to be made obsolete.

[LAUGHING]

Ooh, Amber... Ooh, yes.

Excuse me.

Aren't you the
world-famous Dr. Keebler?

Kessler.

And, uh, y-you are?

Dr. Von Bundy. I specialize
in nuclear dentistry.

I've never heard
of that department.

Well, it's a top-secret program

between the CIA and, uh,

Crest, but, anyway,

enough about me.

Tell me about your work.

Well, I first began my
sexual-behavior studies

10 years ago on
the lower primates.

That's, uh, these disks here.

With my more recent experiments,

I've moved up the
evolutionary ladder.

Yee-ha-ha-ha!

Somewhat.

Mm. I see. Fascinating.

So scientifically speaking,

huh?

Yes, well, my goal is to prove

that the human male's
psycho-sexual needs

can be fully satisfied
with my machine.

Thereby eliminating the
embarrassment of rejection.

Do you really think that
you can make this obsolete?

Would you care to discuss
this over a moonlit stroll?

But, uh, I-I have a patient...

Who is now on autopilot.

Mm.

Oh, yes.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Uh-huh. That's the spot.

Mm. You know what I like.

You bet I do.

Hey, what happened?

Heh. Enjoy, big boy.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

[SHRIEKING]

Good going, Al. You
have wrecked the house,

Jefferson and Griff now
look like fried green tomatoes,

and you still don't know
where that switch goes.

Have you anything at
all to say for yourself?

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

Ooh. Al.

Bake me.

Good night, kids.

ALL: Good night.

Good night, Bob Rooney.

BOB: Night, Al.

You shake it. Yeah,
you shake it, baby.

That's the Bud I
remember. Good job, Kelly.

Yeah, well, I can't
take all the credit.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, yeah, you. Yeah,
you're the one. Yeah.

That's it.

Ooh.

You shake that booty, baby.

You know what I like.

[BOB SNORING]

PEG: Al, you better not be
fooling with that switch again.

[WHISPERS] I'm not, pookie.

What the hell
does this thing do?

Man, I gotta find out where
the switch to this light is.

[♪♪♪]