Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 9, Episode 24 - Pump Fiction - full transcript
When Kelly and Al collaborate and make a short documentary film about shoes for Kelly's acting class in the Larry Storch School of Acting, they win a grant of $10,000 from the National ...
[♪♪♪]
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Bud. How was work?
You know the line on the floor
of the vehicle services office
that takes you from the eye test
to the written test
to the road test?
I like that line.
Well, last week my boss
hired his nephew to repaint it.
That sounds easy.
Yeah, sure, for those of us who
aren't 20 minutes out of rehab.
The glue-meister, however,
decided to paint his line
straight from the front door
right to automatic renewals.
I just hope we caught it before
it caused any real damage.
MAN [ON TV]: And today on
the Eisenhower Expressway
there was a 78 car pile-up
caused by a 5-year-old
manning a cement mixer.
The driver, who was identified
only as Timmy, was not arrested
because he had a
valid driver's license.
Hey, Peg.
Did you see the horrible news?
Yeah. A 78 car pile-up.
No, not that news. Shoe News.
Shoe News is the only
publication that reaches
the entire shoe community.
Well, that and Big 'Uns.
But look, Luke Ventura got
his name and his picture in it.
Who's Luke Ventura?
He's some guy who
used to work with me
over at Gary's Shoes.
He was always sucking up
to the boss and brownnosing.
He worked overtime, he
was polite to the customers,
and he actually sold a
shoe from time to time.
Yeah.
But look at the luck
the SOB is having.
Peg, that should be
my picture in there.
Hey, guys.
Guess what we're doing down
at the Larry Storch
School of Acting?
Merging with the Slappy
White School of Acting?
Oh, Bud, you're home.
I didn't see your Big Wheels
parked out in the driveway.
Anyway, Larry gave us
this great assignment:
I get to make a movie.
Do the words, "Does Dallas,"
appear anywhere in the title?
Aren't you late
for your nightly lurk
around the newsstand
or something?
Anyway, Larry says that
it's as good to be behind
as well as in front...
of the camera.
But I can't start my
movie until I have an idea.
Hey, Daddy, do
you know anything?
I know that Luke Ventura
is in Shoe News and I'm not.
I should be there and he
should be here being your daddy.
There's no shot of
that, is there, Mom?
Come on, Dad, you have
to know something else.
Pumpkin, I don't have
time to know anything else.
It's a full time job just
keeping the tears in my head.
Now we're a two-job,
no-income family.
I gotta find an
idea for my movie.
Movie.
That's it. That will get
me into Shoe News.
A movie about shoes.
If only I had an idea.
If only I had a camera.
If only I had a hammer.
So Al and Kelly actually
made a movie about shoes?
Yeah, but they prefer to
call it a shoe-cumentary.
I'm kind of worried
about Kelly, though.
How is she gonna get to the next
level at the Larry Storch School
if she doesn't pass
this assignment?
The Larry Storch
School has a next level?
Yeah, next year is
acting from the waist up.
Great news, Peg.
We just edited our film.
We cut it from eight hours
to a clean
three-and-a-half minutes.
Well, seven of those hours
we didn't know the
camera was on, so...
Al, may I speak with
you in private, please?
Is this about your rose bushes?
If it is, I heard a dog
barking out there.
Not that.
How could you use
your own daughter
to make a stupid
movie about shoes?
Excuse me, Mrs. D'Arcy,
but our shoe
movie is not stupid.
It is genius.
We even entered it into
the Hammond
Indiana Film Festival.
We're gonna be the
biggest show biz family
since Betty and Barry White.
Wait a minute, that
film festival is sponsored
by the National
Endowment for the Arts.
They're offering
$10,000 to the best film
which will be ours.
Al, those grants were intended
for starving and
destitute artists.
Well, we are starving.
I'm not a destitute. I've
never taken money for...
Guard the film, pumpkin.
Look, Al,
I'll grant you the NEA has
done some silly things in the past,
but no way, no how,
will they accept a ridiculous
movie about shoes.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the world premiere of Shoes.
[BOOING]
Shoes is a taut and gripping
film in the Warhol tradition.
Oh, please.
Will the gentleman
in the third row
please sit down
and stop heckling.
Now you've done it.
Now you've gone and
ticked off my husband.
Hm?
Shut up.
AL [ON SCREEN]: Millions of years
ago, man emerged from the ocean
and took his first
steps on dry land.
[♪♪♪]
This, of course, was
to escape from women
and other blood-sucking
sea creatures.
"Sheos."
Shoes.
Remember? E before O
except before E-I-E-I-O.
This is beyond redemption.
[SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]
Peg, is that a yellow M&M
down there on the floor?
Well, I don't see
an M&M, Al. Shh!
AL [ON SCREEN]: The cave people
had to put something on their feet.
They tried many things.
Tried many things.
Tried many things.
Many things.
Those are my dummies.
Oh, please.
And then one day, legend has it,
the great shoe man in the sky,
who once scored four touchdowns
in a single game, intervened.
When this is over, try to
stay at least 10 feet from Al.
That way you won't
get hit by the first burst.
Some claim there was no
great shoe man in the sky.
Others say the
answer won't be known
until the other shoe drops.
Rosebud.
[APPLAUSE]
CROWD: Bravo.
Bravo. Bravo. Bravo.
They won?
Sheos, the movie, actually won?
Yup. First place.
The NEA actually gave Al
and Kelly a cheque for $10,000.
This is an outrage.
That money could have gone
for something much more useful
like jailing the homeless.
Well, it's not like
it's theirs to waste.
They have to use the money
they won to make another movie.
Another one?
Yeah. But, of course,
Al didn't realize that
until he'd spent
a $1000 on beer.
Au revoir, mes amis, au revoir.
Thanks for signing my
inner thigh, Mr. Bundy.
Now, now, Babette, we
promised not to speak
of such things in front
of Les Miserables.
Au revoir. Au revoir.
So the NEA actually
gave you $10,000.
They did.
This is exactly why
I'm a Republican.
Oh, really?
I thought it was
because of the drinking
and wife-swapping parties.
That's never been proven.
Al, I thought you did this
to get into Shoe News.
Oh, no, Peg.
No, this is much
bigger than Shoe News.
Well, see, Peg, all my life,
I've always wanted to
find something that...
That I was good at.
And the other
night in that theater,
when I heard the
applause, felt the love,
I knew then what my
true calling would be.
Zoo exhibit?
Cheap and tawdry film.
And if all goes
according to plan,
I'll be leaving for Hollywood,
where when a guy
has a successful film,
he leaves the wife.
Hey, Daddy, I have
these storyboards ready.
Good work, pumpkin.
All right, now, as you recall,
the name of our new movie
is A Day in the Life
of a Shoe Salesman.
Yes, but aren't you gonna
start with the short cartoon
A Day in the Sex Life
of a Shoe Salesman?
Oh, I'm really
gonna miss you, Peg.
Well, not if I buy a scope.
Go ahead, pumpkin.
All right.
Now, these stick figures
represent what you go through
in the course of a day.
That's good, pumpkin,
but, you know, it...
It just doesn't say Al.
If you shorten that
stick there, it will.
You know, Peg,
have I told you today
how much I love you?
No, Al.
Okay.
See, pumpkin, what I was
saying, it needs something.
It's too linear
and too straight.
Needs bigness. Roundness.
Fullness.
Firmness.
Oh, God, I could die right now.
You would if Mom was here.
Why do we have to be
in bikinis, Mr. Bundy?
My dear, I'm not
going to lie to you.
The integrity of the
scene calls for it.
Okay.
That and the
crew really loves it.
[ALL HOOTING]
Daddy? Yeah.
I just finished looking over
your rewrite of the script.
Now, granted, I'm
not here every day,
but how often do
four women in bikinis
just kind of wander
on in to buy shoes?
About as often as the
guy with an IQ of 16
gets to meet a
bunch of presidents.
What's your problem?
Daddy, the point is, is
that when we did Sheos
we were being true to our
subject and to ourselves.
Now, this is not art.
I may not know art,
but I know what I like.
Sorry, ma'am, but we're closed.
Well, how come
they're buying shoes?
Why, look at them.
I see.
So if I come back
wearing a bikini,
you'll sell me some shoes?
Ma'am, if you get into a
bikini, I'll give you some shoes.
Aw.
Deal.
[CHUCKLES]
Bye-bye.
Al, we gotta hurry.
All right now, girls,
here is the scene.
You're in the shoe store...
you're laying down.
Why are we laying down?
Well, you're tired.
You've been shopping all day.
That makes perfect sense.
Daddy, what does this
have to do with selling shoes?
Everything. Now go away.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Yo, Bob Rooney here.
Hi, it's me, Ike.
Hey, Ike. What's up?
Nothing much.
Hey, listen, I thought
of a catch phrase
for the movie poster:
Hasta la vista, shoe man.
Loving it. Loving it.
I'll run it past the big guy.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Excuse me.
Hello? Al.
Ike just called with an idea...
I know, he's right
here, you scrub brush.
What was I thinking of when
I bought you guys phones?
Hey, I didn't get a phone.
All I got was this beeper.
[BEEPING]
"Call Griff."
Hey, Al, can I use your phone?
No!
I got a... No, no, no, no!
Guys, focus, focus!
Places, everyone, places!
A Day in the Life...
A Day in the Life of a
Shoe Salesman, take one.
And action.
Cut!
See, Alderman Kuczxynski?
This is exactly where
our tax money is going
to finance stupid
films like this
made by idiotic filmmakers
like him and Steven Seagal.
Hi, sugar cakes. Remember me?
"Sugar cakes" is my given name.
Well, aren't you
going to stop this?
No, he is not, Marcie.
You see, the NEA gave me money
for me to make
a movie of my life.
If you want to see
a movie of your life,
I suggest you go
rent Rooster Cogburn.
Where did you learn
to light a breast?
That's it. I'm
calling Washington.
Bite me.
All right, places, everyone.
Places, please. Places.
A Day in the Life of a
Shoe Salesman, take two.
And action.
I'd like to buy some shoes
and then make love to you.
Oh-oh-oh.
Fine, but first I must make
love to these three here.
Hold the phone.
What is it now?
Daddy, we're selling out.
Now, as co-bigwig
on this production
I cannot allow this abuse
of power to go on any longer.
I'm all set, Mr. Bundy.
Take your place.
Who's that?
He's playing the mall terrorist.
And action.
MAN [ON TV]: In local
news, an 84 car pile-up
was caused by a blind man,
or his German shepherd,
one of whom was apparently
driving an ambulance.
Again, no charges were filed
as both had valid
driver's licenses.
Hey, family.
Jefferson.
Rhode Island Red.
Do we know yet how much
the NEA loved my movie?
Not yet, Al.
Funny, I sent it in
over a month ago,
I wonder what could
have happened.
Yeah. They wouldn't treat
Francis Ford
Coppertop like that.
Yeah. You know, they're probably
passing it around Washington
and Clarence Thomas got
ahold of it and won't give it up.
They burned it, you cretin.
They put on their golf shoes
and jumped up and down on it.
Oh, Al, you know how
slowly the government works.
Remember last year?
I didn't get Marcie's tax
refund cheque until June.
I thought you said I owed.
Why does it always
have to be about you?
Look, Daddy, don't worry.
Speaking as a student
of the Larry Storch
School of Acting
I can guarantee you that
the NEA is gonna love it.
MAN [ON TV]: Today in
the first unanimous decision
by Congress in 105 years,
the NEA has been dismantled
due to their sponsorship
of the film A Day in the
Life of a Shoe Salesman.
[GIGGLING]
Didn't you hear the news, Dad?
Yup.
Then why are you smiling?
Why, Peg?
Because it doesn't
matter anymore, see?
I made Shoe News!
[♪♪♪]
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Bud. How was work?
You know the line on the floor
of the vehicle services office
that takes you from the eye test
to the written test
to the road test?
I like that line.
Well, last week my boss
hired his nephew to repaint it.
That sounds easy.
Yeah, sure, for those of us who
aren't 20 minutes out of rehab.
The glue-meister, however,
decided to paint his line
straight from the front door
right to automatic renewals.
I just hope we caught it before
it caused any real damage.
MAN [ON TV]: And today on
the Eisenhower Expressway
there was a 78 car pile-up
caused by a 5-year-old
manning a cement mixer.
The driver, who was identified
only as Timmy, was not arrested
because he had a
valid driver's license.
Hey, Peg.
Did you see the horrible news?
Yeah. A 78 car pile-up.
No, not that news. Shoe News.
Shoe News is the only
publication that reaches
the entire shoe community.
Well, that and Big 'Uns.
But look, Luke Ventura got
his name and his picture in it.
Who's Luke Ventura?
He's some guy who
used to work with me
over at Gary's Shoes.
He was always sucking up
to the boss and brownnosing.
He worked overtime, he
was polite to the customers,
and he actually sold a
shoe from time to time.
Yeah.
But look at the luck
the SOB is having.
Peg, that should be
my picture in there.
Hey, guys.
Guess what we're doing down
at the Larry Storch
School of Acting?
Merging with the Slappy
White School of Acting?
Oh, Bud, you're home.
I didn't see your Big Wheels
parked out in the driveway.
Anyway, Larry gave us
this great assignment:
I get to make a movie.
Do the words, "Does Dallas,"
appear anywhere in the title?
Aren't you late
for your nightly lurk
around the newsstand
or something?
Anyway, Larry says that
it's as good to be behind
as well as in front...
of the camera.
But I can't start my
movie until I have an idea.
Hey, Daddy, do
you know anything?
I know that Luke Ventura
is in Shoe News and I'm not.
I should be there and he
should be here being your daddy.
There's no shot of
that, is there, Mom?
Come on, Dad, you have
to know something else.
Pumpkin, I don't have
time to know anything else.
It's a full time job just
keeping the tears in my head.
Now we're a two-job,
no-income family.
I gotta find an
idea for my movie.
Movie.
That's it. That will get
me into Shoe News.
A movie about shoes.
If only I had an idea.
If only I had a camera.
If only I had a hammer.
So Al and Kelly actually
made a movie about shoes?
Yeah, but they prefer to
call it a shoe-cumentary.
I'm kind of worried
about Kelly, though.
How is she gonna get to the next
level at the Larry Storch School
if she doesn't pass
this assignment?
The Larry Storch
School has a next level?
Yeah, next year is
acting from the waist up.
Great news, Peg.
We just edited our film.
We cut it from eight hours
to a clean
three-and-a-half minutes.
Well, seven of those hours
we didn't know the
camera was on, so...
Al, may I speak with
you in private, please?
Is this about your rose bushes?
If it is, I heard a dog
barking out there.
Not that.
How could you use
your own daughter
to make a stupid
movie about shoes?
Excuse me, Mrs. D'Arcy,
but our shoe
movie is not stupid.
It is genius.
We even entered it into
the Hammond
Indiana Film Festival.
We're gonna be the
biggest show biz family
since Betty and Barry White.
Wait a minute, that
film festival is sponsored
by the National
Endowment for the Arts.
They're offering
$10,000 to the best film
which will be ours.
Al, those grants were intended
for starving and
destitute artists.
Well, we are starving.
I'm not a destitute. I've
never taken money for...
Guard the film, pumpkin.
Look, Al,
I'll grant you the NEA has
done some silly things in the past,
but no way, no how,
will they accept a ridiculous
movie about shoes.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the world premiere of Shoes.
[BOOING]
Shoes is a taut and gripping
film in the Warhol tradition.
Oh, please.
Will the gentleman
in the third row
please sit down
and stop heckling.
Now you've done it.
Now you've gone and
ticked off my husband.
Hm?
Shut up.
AL [ON SCREEN]: Millions of years
ago, man emerged from the ocean
and took his first
steps on dry land.
[♪♪♪]
This, of course, was
to escape from women
and other blood-sucking
sea creatures.
"Sheos."
Shoes.
Remember? E before O
except before E-I-E-I-O.
This is beyond redemption.
[SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]
Peg, is that a yellow M&M
down there on the floor?
Well, I don't see
an M&M, Al. Shh!
AL [ON SCREEN]: The cave people
had to put something on their feet.
They tried many things.
Tried many things.
Tried many things.
Many things.
Those are my dummies.
Oh, please.
And then one day, legend has it,
the great shoe man in the sky,
who once scored four touchdowns
in a single game, intervened.
When this is over, try to
stay at least 10 feet from Al.
That way you won't
get hit by the first burst.
Some claim there was no
great shoe man in the sky.
Others say the
answer won't be known
until the other shoe drops.
Rosebud.
[APPLAUSE]
CROWD: Bravo.
Bravo. Bravo. Bravo.
They won?
Sheos, the movie, actually won?
Yup. First place.
The NEA actually gave Al
and Kelly a cheque for $10,000.
This is an outrage.
That money could have gone
for something much more useful
like jailing the homeless.
Well, it's not like
it's theirs to waste.
They have to use the money
they won to make another movie.
Another one?
Yeah. But, of course,
Al didn't realize that
until he'd spent
a $1000 on beer.
Au revoir, mes amis, au revoir.
Thanks for signing my
inner thigh, Mr. Bundy.
Now, now, Babette, we
promised not to speak
of such things in front
of Les Miserables.
Au revoir. Au revoir.
So the NEA actually
gave you $10,000.
They did.
This is exactly why
I'm a Republican.
Oh, really?
I thought it was
because of the drinking
and wife-swapping parties.
That's never been proven.
Al, I thought you did this
to get into Shoe News.
Oh, no, Peg.
No, this is much
bigger than Shoe News.
Well, see, Peg, all my life,
I've always wanted to
find something that...
That I was good at.
And the other
night in that theater,
when I heard the
applause, felt the love,
I knew then what my
true calling would be.
Zoo exhibit?
Cheap and tawdry film.
And if all goes
according to plan,
I'll be leaving for Hollywood,
where when a guy
has a successful film,
he leaves the wife.
Hey, Daddy, I have
these storyboards ready.
Good work, pumpkin.
All right, now, as you recall,
the name of our new movie
is A Day in the Life
of a Shoe Salesman.
Yes, but aren't you gonna
start with the short cartoon
A Day in the Sex Life
of a Shoe Salesman?
Oh, I'm really
gonna miss you, Peg.
Well, not if I buy a scope.
Go ahead, pumpkin.
All right.
Now, these stick figures
represent what you go through
in the course of a day.
That's good, pumpkin,
but, you know, it...
It just doesn't say Al.
If you shorten that
stick there, it will.
You know, Peg,
have I told you today
how much I love you?
No, Al.
Okay.
See, pumpkin, what I was
saying, it needs something.
It's too linear
and too straight.
Needs bigness. Roundness.
Fullness.
Firmness.
Oh, God, I could die right now.
You would if Mom was here.
Why do we have to be
in bikinis, Mr. Bundy?
My dear, I'm not
going to lie to you.
The integrity of the
scene calls for it.
Okay.
That and the
crew really loves it.
[ALL HOOTING]
Daddy? Yeah.
I just finished looking over
your rewrite of the script.
Now, granted, I'm
not here every day,
but how often do
four women in bikinis
just kind of wander
on in to buy shoes?
About as often as the
guy with an IQ of 16
gets to meet a
bunch of presidents.
What's your problem?
Daddy, the point is, is
that when we did Sheos
we were being true to our
subject and to ourselves.
Now, this is not art.
I may not know art,
but I know what I like.
Sorry, ma'am, but we're closed.
Well, how come
they're buying shoes?
Why, look at them.
I see.
So if I come back
wearing a bikini,
you'll sell me some shoes?
Ma'am, if you get into a
bikini, I'll give you some shoes.
Aw.
Deal.
[CHUCKLES]
Bye-bye.
Al, we gotta hurry.
All right now, girls,
here is the scene.
You're in the shoe store...
you're laying down.
Why are we laying down?
Well, you're tired.
You've been shopping all day.
That makes perfect sense.
Daddy, what does this
have to do with selling shoes?
Everything. Now go away.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Yo, Bob Rooney here.
Hi, it's me, Ike.
Hey, Ike. What's up?
Nothing much.
Hey, listen, I thought
of a catch phrase
for the movie poster:
Hasta la vista, shoe man.
Loving it. Loving it.
I'll run it past the big guy.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Excuse me.
Hello? Al.
Ike just called with an idea...
I know, he's right
here, you scrub brush.
What was I thinking of when
I bought you guys phones?
Hey, I didn't get a phone.
All I got was this beeper.
[BEEPING]
"Call Griff."
Hey, Al, can I use your phone?
No!
I got a... No, no, no, no!
Guys, focus, focus!
Places, everyone, places!
A Day in the Life...
A Day in the Life of a
Shoe Salesman, take one.
And action.
Cut!
See, Alderman Kuczxynski?
This is exactly where
our tax money is going
to finance stupid
films like this
made by idiotic filmmakers
like him and Steven Seagal.
Hi, sugar cakes. Remember me?
"Sugar cakes" is my given name.
Well, aren't you
going to stop this?
No, he is not, Marcie.
You see, the NEA gave me money
for me to make
a movie of my life.
If you want to see
a movie of your life,
I suggest you go
rent Rooster Cogburn.
Where did you learn
to light a breast?
That's it. I'm
calling Washington.
Bite me.
All right, places, everyone.
Places, please. Places.
A Day in the Life of a
Shoe Salesman, take two.
And action.
I'd like to buy some shoes
and then make love to you.
Oh-oh-oh.
Fine, but first I must make
love to these three here.
Hold the phone.
What is it now?
Daddy, we're selling out.
Now, as co-bigwig
on this production
I cannot allow this abuse
of power to go on any longer.
I'm all set, Mr. Bundy.
Take your place.
Who's that?
He's playing the mall terrorist.
And action.
MAN [ON TV]: In local
news, an 84 car pile-up
was caused by a blind man,
or his German shepherd,
one of whom was apparently
driving an ambulance.
Again, no charges were filed
as both had valid
driver's licenses.
Hey, family.
Jefferson.
Rhode Island Red.
Do we know yet how much
the NEA loved my movie?
Not yet, Al.
Funny, I sent it in
over a month ago,
I wonder what could
have happened.
Yeah. They wouldn't treat
Francis Ford
Coppertop like that.
Yeah. You know, they're probably
passing it around Washington
and Clarence Thomas got
ahold of it and won't give it up.
They burned it, you cretin.
They put on their golf shoes
and jumped up and down on it.
Oh, Al, you know how
slowly the government works.
Remember last year?
I didn't get Marcie's tax
refund cheque until June.
I thought you said I owed.
Why does it always
have to be about you?
Look, Daddy, don't worry.
Speaking as a student
of the Larry Storch
School of Acting
I can guarantee you that
the NEA is gonna love it.
MAN [ON TV]: Today in
the first unanimous decision
by Congress in 105 years,
the NEA has been dismantled
due to their sponsorship
of the film A Day in the
Life of a Shoe Salesman.
[GIGGLING]
Didn't you hear the news, Dad?
Yup.
Then why are you smiling?
Why, Peg?
Because it doesn't
matter anymore, see?
I made Shoe News!
[♪♪♪]