Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 9, Episode 22 - And Bingo Was Her Game-O - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Look at it, Jefferson.

The elegance, the form,
the sheer grace of motion.

Hm. The triumph
of the human spirit.

MAN [ON TV] And now,
on Monster Trucking:

Tyrannosaurus Wreck
will attempt to mow over

nine flaming prison buses.

Boy, PBS has really changed

since the Republicans took over.

Hey.

Mail's here.



What'd we get?

Well, you've got bills.

I got fan mail.

Oh, and I think we all
know what little handyman

gets Self Touchers Quarterly.

And this is for you.

Oh, a letter from the
Office of Bingo Affairs.

No doubt a part of the
Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco

and Useless
Blood-Sucking Spouses.

[CHUCKLES]

Al, I have been invited

to the Windy City
Bingo Invitational.

You know what this means?

The couch is in
danger of flying away?



This is the World
Series of bingo.

Top prize is $10,000.

[GRUNTS]

Well, I think it's
exciting, Peggy.

So you'll come to the
tournament with me?

Oh, well, I would,

but I can't.

You see, bingo brings
up sad memories for me.

I had a dog named Bingo once

who died a tragic death.

I thought you had
a cat named Gringo

that lived to be a hundred.

Oh, well, then I guess I can go.

[CHUCKLES]

Thank you so much, honey pot.

Uh, Peggy, do I
have time to go home

and freshen up
and amend my will?

Oh, sure. The tournament
isn't until next Tuesday.

Don't worry, Al, this isn't
gonna cost you one red cent.

Good.

Give me $300.

What for?

Bingo clothes.

Ah, you...

Here, you Denver
boot of a woman.

Hey, Peg, don't
forget about dinner.

Steak? Sounds great. Thank you.

Bingo invitational.

Jeez, the things
that excite women.

MAN [ON TV]: And now
a word from our sponsor,

Girlie Girl Beer.

[BOTH LAUGH, CHEER]

The official beer of NO MA'AM.

Hey, I hope this is where

the girls are
washing their cars,

and they turn their
hoses on each other.

Oh, I-I hope it's the one
where the girls are studying,

and then they turn the
hoses on each other.

[BOTH LAUGH]

WOMAN [ON TV]: Hi, I'm Yoko Ono,

the new spokeshuman
for Girlie Girl Beer.

Because we care
about the environment,

Girlie Girl Beer will
donate one nickel per case

to save our
vanishing rain forest.

And now, a song I've written.

Jefferson, give me the remote.

[YOKO ONO WAILING ON TV]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

Ah, it wasn't enough
breaking up the Beatles.

Now she's ruined our beer.

Jefferson, call an emergency
meeting of the troops.

NO MA'AM must pick
a new official beer.

What's going on in the garage?

Oh, your father
and the flab four

are trying to come up
with a new official beer.

You mean they
finished their search

for the official pork rind?

Peg?

[CLEARS THROAT]

We need something to cleanse
the palate between beers.

Have you tried toothpaste?

No, Peg. Toothpaste is for
people who kiss, smile or eat.

Well, if you kissed,
you might eat.

Yeah, but I wouldn't smile.

"Do not sell after 1989."

Ah, hell, I'm not
sellin', I'm eatin'.

Hey. Hey, listen, Dad.

Uh, as an outsider of NO MA'AM,

and if there's a
God, this family,

why do a bunch of guys
who are bleary when sober

need an official beer?

Bud.

While NO MA'AM may
look like a loose assortment

of foot pads, rakes
and rapscallions,

we are, in fact, a proud
order of dignified men

who serve our community
with honor and panache.

Hey, Al. Come quick.

Ike's got an atomic
fireball stuck up his nose!

Again? Ah, didn't he learn
his lesson from the corn dog?

Bud, get the video camera.

Uh, and the Dirt Devil?

No, she's reading.

Al.

Just how long are
you guys gonna be

Jim Carreying around in there?

I need a ride to the
bingo tournament.

Oh, no, Peg. We're
picking a beer.

Can't you hitch a ride on
Marcy's poultry wagon?

Al, the church is in a very
dangerous neighborhood.

What could happen,
Peg, a drive-by plucking?

Fine. Then don't take me.

But I'm gonna just bust up

your little beer party here

and ask some stupid
questions about sports.

Oh, get in the car, Peg.

Oh, and don't forget. You
gotta pick me up at 9:00.

Fine.

GRIFF: Al!

Look!

We've got British ale.

Men, don't forget.

British ale must be served warm.

This is charming, Peggy.

Thanks for inviting me.

And the women are wearing
my favorite scent: dust.

Oh, just relax, Marcy.
This is gonna be fun.

Sit down and soak
up the ambiance.

[MAN COUGHS VIOLENTLY]

[THUDS]

WOMAN: There is now
an open chair at table nine.

[SIGHS]

Maybe I'll just play
with one of these.

Touch that marker

and you're gonna be
eating through a straw

like the rest of us.

Oh, well,

I guess I'll just sit here

until Al comes to pick us up

seven hours from now.

[CHAIR SQUEAKS]

Squeak that chair one more time,

and you'll wish you were
never born like the rest of us!

WOMAN: I-28.

Uh, Peggy, I'm feeling
a little uncomfortable

around Brunhilda here.

Oh, that's just Ceil.

She's really nice once
you get to know her.

Offer her a potato chip.

WOMAN: G-57.

Would you like a chip?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Back to business.

Beer will be judged by nose,
body, taste and color of exit.

And remember, no drinking.

We will sip, swish and spit.

I'll sip and spit, but
I ain't gonna swish.

You'll swish and like it.

We will now commence with
the official NO MA'AM beer tasting.

Jefferson, would you
do the honors, please?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Gladly.

Now...

[SIGHS]

our first candidate
comes from Asia Minor,

is made from agave
and bladderwort.

[ALL GRUNT]

All right.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Our next beer is
a fine Afghani ale

whose name loosely translated
means "yellow mountain runoff."

Oh, hey, look.

There's a prize in every can.

[CHUCKLES]

I'd be careful about
that prize stuff.

Remember what fell out
of that Chernobyl beer.

What?

That was an olive, right?

Sure, with an eyebrow.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

All right, all right,
all right, all right.

Let's forget about this
wimpy foreign beer.

We're Americans.
Let's drink American.

ALL: Yeah.

What's our first American beer?

Dos Equis!

[ALL CHEERING]

WOMAN: N-41.

Peggy, I don't think I
can sit here any longer.

Shut up.

Just relax, Marcy.
This is the last game.

Whoever wins this
one gets the big jackpot.

Oh. Shut up!

WOMAN: G-58.

Look, Peggy, all you
need is one more square.

Yeah. But I never win anything.

I just play for fun.

WOMAN: N-33.

Bingo! Bingo!

Oh, my God, bingo!

[LAUGHS]

Congratulations, Peggy!

Shut up!

Ladies and gentlemen,

the winner of the
$10,000 grand prize,

Mrs. Peggy Bundy.

[ALL CHEERING]

Oh, Peggy, what are you
gonna do with $10,000?

Well, I think I'll
give it to the needy.

Of course, I "needy" it all.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, it's 9:00.

Al should be pulling up soon.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Hey, Al, look it's 9:00.

When are we gonna stop sipping

and start drinking
some of this stuff?

Yeah, all this beer foreplay
is making me thirsty.

What's foreplay?

About 10 seconds.

[LAUGHS]

Then what's sex?

[ALL LAUGHING]

All right. All right, men.

Focus, men, focus.

All right, from now on
we'll each drink a little beer.

But remember, we
must still show decorum.

Claudia Schiffer.

Pamela Anderson.

Claudia Schiffer.

Pamela Anderson.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[ALL CHUCKLE]

What is the problem?

You guys haven't
thrown a frigging punch.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, Al. I don't
wanna box anymore.

Ooh. Let's dance.

When you were dancing,
you wanted to box.

Oh, but... But
when I was dancing,

I didn't get to lead.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Woo-hoo.

Get out there,
you big happy boy.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

[BOTH SIGH]

Hey, Jefferson. Uh-huh?

I got a bad feeling.

Well, heck, you
had about 40 beers.

It's... It's a wonder
you can feel anything.

No, I-I think I was supposed
to do something around 9:00.

What time is it?

[GRUNTS]

It's 10:15.

Oh, then I-I probably
already done it.

Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, Bob Rooney.

Go to the kidneys.
Go to the kidneys.

[FIST THUDS]

[GROANING] Go to the bathroom.

Go to the bathroom.

Well, staying true to
his performance in bed,

I think it's safe to say that
Al has let me down again.

Unfortunately, in this case,

I can't just reach
into the night stand

and get myself home.

Well, thank goodness we're
in the comfort of a church.

Ladies, I gotta
lock up. Get out.

I thought this was a sanctuary.

Yeah, until 11. After that,
it's just another crime scene.

Oh. You don't understand.

We don't have a ride home,

and we're carrying
$10,000 in cash.

Now, if you make us leave,

there's no telling
what'll happen to us.

Oh, I know exactly what
would happen to you.

But luckily, doctors today
can reattach almost anything.

Take me. Would you
believe this isn't my real...?

Peggy!

I think we should call a cab.

You'll never get a
cab this time of night.

You could get one in the morning

if you wouldn't mind
shacking up with me.

I got a hot plate and
some macaroni and cheese.

Marcy?

Look, dream date.

There's gotta be
another way out of here.

There is one other way.

My cousin Elmo
drives a gypsy cab.

He can come and
get you for $200.

I can't believe you
are ripping us off

in a sacred place.

God is gonna get you.

Yeah, there's so much
more he can take from me.

Well, we are not
paying $200 for a cab,

you cave-dwelling pirate.

Suit yourself, bucko.

[SIRENS WAIL, GUNSHOTS]

[♪♪♪]

Sorry for the bumpy
ride. Heh-heh.

It's hard to steer

when you're coming off drugs.

Hey, watch out!

[METALLIC THUD]

Heh.

Damn jogger.

Uh, don't you think you
should turn your headlights on?

Nope, but, uh,

feel free to turn on yours.

[CHUCKLES]

I should report him.
What's his name?

"Dan Rostenkowski"?

Why are you stopping?

Well, you see this thing
here on my leg? Heh.

I go two more blocks,
I'll violate my parole,

we all explode together.

[CHUCKLES]

Which is something
I've been hankering for

since you two hot
mamas slid into my cab.

I think we'll just get out here.

Fine. My buddy Abdula will
take you the rest of the way.

I find driving to be a
really Zen experience.

I think the faster you go,
the faster you get there.

I never knew a Geo Metro
could go 140 miles an hour.

Yeah.

They corner great too. Watch.

[BOTH SCREAM, TIRES SCREECH]

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

What a relief to
be in a normal cab.

You seem like a nice person.

Well, I love my work.

[CHUCKLES]

How long have you been driving?

Seventy-two hours straight.

[SIGHS]

Driving's helped me forget about

the two-timing dirty dog

who left me and took everything.

[CHUCKLES]

But I'll have the last laugh

when he finds out
I wrapped his cab

around a telephone pole,

wearing his favorite shirt.

[CACKLES]

I got your,

"She was only making the bed."

[CACKLES]

[SNORING]

[SNORTS, GRUNTS]

So where's Dad and the
rest of the lawn sprinklers?

Well, the last time I saw,

Buck was giving
them all sleigh rides.

BUCK: The horror.

The unspeakable horror.

Claudia Schiffer.

Tastes great.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Oh, look, my children.

What's-her-name

and Don't-worry-about-me-
I'm-on-the-pill.

Bud. Kelly.

When your mother asks
about this, and she will,

you tell her we
just tasted one beer

and went right to sheep.

What if she asks why you
didn't pick up your wife?

You just tell her 'cause
she was too heavy.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Hey, pookie.

How was bingo?

It was great, Al. I
won the $10,000.

Ten thousand dollars, Peg?

Let me see it.

This is only 3 bucks.

Well, that's all we had left

after fighting our way north
via the underground railroad!

Thank your father, kids.

BOTH: Thanks, Dad.

All this for a
new official beer.

That's what we forgot to do.

[MEN GRUNT]

Pick a new official beer.

[ALL GROAN]

How about Girlie Girl?

Hear, hear! Good choice.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, boy, that was easy.

Uh, where were we?

Hey, I know. You guys stay put.

[GRUNTS]

I'll be right back.

Al, it's 9:00. Where
are you going?

Yeah. I gotta go
pick up the wife.

BOB: Oh.

[♪♪♪]