Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 9, Episode 17 - Get the Dodge Outta Hell - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Okay, Kel, let's
go over the plan

just one more time, all right?

Now, you can't go
to Wanker County

with Mom and Dad because...?

I have to do a commercial
for traffic safety.

That's right.

And I can't go to Wanker County

with Mom and Dad because...?

A rubber sheep is demanding
you take a blood test?

Fine. No, fine. Fine.
We'll go to Wanker County.



But don't come to me when
they ask you why you're single

when you have a
perfectly good brother.

[SIGHS]

Come on, Bud, I
was just kidding.

I can do this.

I mean, Daddy might have
been able to look me in the eye

and break me when the
police brought me home

at 2 in the morning,
but I am not 11 anymore.

[CAR ENGINE RUNNING]

Okay, there's the Dodge
early-warning system. Let's go.

Now, remember the plan.

Gotcha. What plan?

Just kidding.

Al, why are you in
such a bad mood?



Some men like going
shopping with their wives.

Sure, for coffins.

I hate buying stuff for
the Wanker folk, Peg.

Well, they like stuff
from the big city.

We just have
things they can't get.

Let's make sure we got it all.

[SIGHS]

Wax.

String.

Things that go click. [GIGGLES]

Ah, and to think, they bestowed
their highest honor on you.

Well, that's understandable.

I'm the only person they ever
saw who doesn't have a shell.

Scoff all you want.

But I think being
named the grand marshal

of the Wanker County
Bicentennial Parade

is a big deal.

Yeah, Dad. Come on,
they're celebrating 200 years.

Since what?

They crawled from the oceans?

No way was it that long ago.

Two hundred years ago, it
was bought from the Indians.

Ah, not the legend of
Wanker County again.

Wanker County was originally
called Obi Luba Possa Wadamy.

Which means, Land of
the Big Gassy Possum.

Which explains why Disney

has no interest in putting
a theme park there.

Look, I for one am
very excited to be going.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I said,

I for one am very excited

to be going to Wanker County

with my sister.

[KNOCK]

Come in.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

I've got something
I have to tell you.

I'm afraid that Bud and I won't
be able to go to Wanker County.

Heh.

You see, I just got a
commercial for traffic safety.

And Bud, since he works

for the Department
of Vehicle Services

is going to consult.

The end. Heh-heh-heh.

Well, bye.

AL: Hold it.

Pumpkin.

I want you to look
Daddy in the eye.

Okay, it was a lie.

But it was all Bud's idea.

That's right.

I wanted to go to Wanker County.

And not only that,

last Tuesday, Bud drank
milk right from the carton.

And when he was 11,
he smoked a cigarette.

When I think of the pain

and the suffering
that I went through

for you to be conceived.

You should be
ashamed of yourself

for deceiving your
family this way.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Al.

The home office just ordered us

to have a 24-hour
emergency shoe sale.

The fat women have
landed. You gotta come.

Oh, dash it all, I...

I was going to
Wanker County. I'm...

I'm sorry, Peg.

Just a second.

Griff.

Look me in the eye.

There really is no shoe sale.

It was all Bud's idea.

And he dialed some 976
numbers from the shoe store.

And he took a handful
of cerebral-palsy mints

without paying.

And you know what he
did when he was 11, right?

Goodbye, Griff.

See you when you get back, Al?

Oh, you can count on it, buddy.

Now,

aren't you three
ashamed of yourselves?

You mean in general, or because
of this Wanker County hooey?

We are all going
and that's final.

It's not gonna work, Buck.

It was all Bud's idea.

Now,

like I was saying,

we're all gonna go

and we're all gonna
have fun. Right?

[IN UNISON] Right, Mom.

No.

Okay. Now, let's
stop at the car wash.

Car wash? What for?

So the Dodge will
look nice in the parade.

How nice do we have to look?

This year's theme is thumbs.
Show 'em if you got 'em.

Come on.

You know, Peg, I
hate car washes.

That Dodge is a finely
tuned precision instrument,

and I don't want some
stranger's rough hands all over it.

Sir, we need the keys.

Now, you keep your
hands off my CD player.

Al, we don't have a CD player.

Ah, we would have, Peg,
if you hadn't have said that.

Would you just calm down?

This is supposed to be fun.

Let's buy a car air freshener.

Do they have a scent
called "New Wife"?

See, Peg, your trouble
is you spend money

in a frivolous...

Ooh, a racing stripe.

The Dodge does not
need a racing stripe.

It couldn't hit 60

if you dropped
it out of a plane.

No, but you could, Peg.

Ooh, Peg, look, car bras.

The Dodge does
not need a car bra.

Well, it's not for
the Dodge, Peg.

No, it's for your mom.

See, it's even in her size.

Astrovan.

You know something, Kel?

I always wondered:

you think hot carnauba
wax really comes out

when the light goes on?

Gee, Bud, maybe you should save

those mind-bending
insights for a date or...

Or perhaps a willing rubber ear.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, I'm sorry, Kel,

I forgot the only talking
that goes on on your dates is:

"Keep the line moving."

I mean, look at this place.

What kind of loser
works at a car wash?

[SIGHS]

Marcy, I don't wanna
work in a car wash.

Look, I am tired of coming
home after a hard day's work

and hearing you say, "Honey,
guess who was on Oprah today."

It's like being
married to Peggy.

Come on, this is the most
embarrassing thing in the world.

There is nothing wrong
with an honest day's pay.

Besides, who is gonna see you?

Oh, my God. It's the ex.

Quick. Hide.

[SCREAMS]

Steve.

Marcy.

Steve.

Marcy.

So, what brings
you to the car wash?

Well, my car was dirty

and they do such a
lousy job of cleaning it

down at the batting cages,
I thought I'd bring it here.

Well, it's nice to see

you're still such a
sarcastic twit, Steve.

Besides, I thought
you were in the desert

protecting the wildlife

and performing Guys and Dolls

with your little cactus friends.

That, much like our
marriage, was just a phase.

I did the environmental
thing for a while,

and then decided I
wanted to find myself.

And what I found was
myself likes money.

So did Mr. Marcy
let you out alone?

[WOMAN SHOUTING]

JEFFERSON: Ow!

Uh, have you, um,
been here long?

Well, I guess
for a little while.

It takes a long time to
detail a Lincoln Town Car.

You're driving a Town Car?

I live in town.

So, um,

where is the new,
unimproved, unemployed me?

At home watching Richard Bey?

If it's Jefferson
you're referring to,

I'll have you know he's...

at the office.

You know, where he's
busy working on his...

Tan?

Career.

[YELPS, GROANS]

So, what'd you get, Al?

Huh? Nothing.

I saw you over there
by the audio cassettes.

What'd you get?

Nothing.

Ned Beatty Sings The Blues?

He's got a right.

I'm gonna put this back.

Now, let's get the car.

They better not have
screwed up my Dodge, Peg.

They are not gonna
screw up the Dodge, Al.

They're professionals.

Mr. Bundy, I-I don't
know how to tell you this

but we can't find your car.

What do you mean
you can't find my car?

I saw it go in.

Me too. But it never came out.

That'll be 8.95, please.

Hi, I'm Mikey. I'm the manager.

Of what, the Mets?

I don't take lip from
shoe salesmen.

Now, what do you want?

I have a book
report due tomorrow.

Well, I want my car. It
never came out the other end.

Are you sure you brought a car?

No, I drove the wife.

Of course I brought
a car, you zit farm.

Hey, Daddy. I'm afraid I
got some more bad news.

Now, I thought I'd
check the lost and found.

Oh, this oughta be good.

There were no Dodges.

There was a nice
Plymouth, though.

Ooh, Al.

I don't want a Plymouth, Peg.
I want my Dodge, dagnab it.

"Dagnab it"?

What'd you do, get the Hooked
on Phonics: Yosemite Sam tape?

This is ridiculous. How
can our car just disappear?

Well, Siegfried and Roy
make that tiger disappear.

Well, we all know
where that goes.

Look, Bundy, we don't want you

to go away a
dissatisfied customer.

So here's a card good
for one free car wash.

Now, this is ridiculous.

I'm gonna retrace my steps.

Somewhere in this car wash
is a Dodge with my name on it.

Gee, I didn't know they
made a Dodge Loser.

Hey, wait a minute.
I have an idea.

Let's have Buck
go search for it.

He's a dog.

Oh, come on, he's 100. He...

He misses when he
tries to lick himself.

Oh, so do you.

But a dog never loses
his sense of smell.

Go find the Dodge, mighty Buck.

Go.

Go.

What's he doing?

He's going.

Maybe I should
have said "leave."

I still would've gone.

I say, there's got to be

a logical explanation for this.

Hey, maybe somebody stole it.

We would have seen
somebody driving off in our car.

You know, it's not like
we're not observant.

I mean, there are four of us.

One of us would have
had to see something.

Well, if that car is still here,
it's not gonna get past me.

Yeah. Let's just keep
our eyes peeled. Come on.

I know what you're
doing, you know.

Sitting there like some
soulless, money-grubbing snob

because you know it turns me on.

Well, it's not going to work.

I already have a man,

and he's even more
materialistic than you.

And how much of
that material is yours?

Are you implying
that I support Jefferson

and that he's never
earned a penny in his life?

Because you don't
know the half of it...

Are those Gucci loafers?

Yes. They do look
smashing on me, don't they?

Well, they do distract
from the rest of you.

[CHUCKLES]

Same old Marcy.

Flat and to the point.

You realize that for being
caught in the women's restroom,

we're gonna dock
you a week's pay.

Well, there goes that
yacht I was gonna buy.

You're already on thin ice

Mr. Ivy-League-Pervert-

in-the Bathroom-Looking-
up-Women's-Skirts.

Now, I don't want any
more shenanigans out of you.

I want you buffing the next
thing that comes outta here.

Al, what are you doing here?

Well, I was on my way to Wanker,

thought I'd stop and
walk through the car wash.

Wasn't the wax hot?

Heh. Yes.

But that's the price you pay
if you wanna wear a bikini.

Do you mind?

Very nice, Al.

You are over here
dilly-dallying with Jefferson

and we're out
looking for the car.

Peg, what is it with you?

You can change six
D batteries in the dark,

but you can't find a 2-ton
automobile in broad daylight.

Let's not start talking about
who can't find what in the dark.

All right, all right.
Here's what we'll do.

We'll split up.

Then what?

That's it. Just split up.

I should've thought
of this years ago.

Dad, what about the car?

Look, I say we each
take a different path

and circle the lot.

I mean, the Dodge
has gotta be here.

Bud's right.

But when we find it,

w-we still get to
split up, don't we?

Well, Marcy, I see
the Town Car is ready.

Anyway, I...

Sorry I didn't get a chance

to see that busy
executive husband of yours.

That's right. He is busy.

Doing what an executive does.

Interfacing, networking,

making multi-million-dollar
decisions.

Hey, Willy, towel or
sponge on the hubcaps?

I see he's in the
middle of a power wash.

Okay, so maybe he's not
on the Forbes 400, or 4000

or maybe he wouldn't
even be a rich man in Peru,

but he's got something
you will never have.

A Windex holster?

Class.

Which, I might add,
money can't buy.

Jefferson doesn't need
to make a lot of money.

I'm happy with him
just the way he is.

[WHIMPERS] Ow, Marcy,

I got soap in my eye.

Shut up. Let's go.

I thought you wanted me to work.

I do.

It's just that I have

another position
in mind for you.

Maybe two.

Here, you dropped your hat.

Come on, get in
the car, let's go.

Yes, sir.

Hey, hey, hey.

Aren't those my shoes?

Oh, oh. Heh. Yes, sir.

I had them polished for you.

You know, I can't
believe it. It's gone.

The Dodge is really gone.

Maybe the earth opened
up and swallowed it.

No. Then it would
have spit it back up.

You know, it's not
so much the Dodge

as what was inside it.

What was in it?

Stuff.

Big 'Uns?

I'm not saying.

Bundy, I just got off the
phone with the owner.

He wants to do something
to make this up to you.

Like what? We're gonna
buy you another car.

I don't want another
car. Shut up, Al.

But, Peg, there's
still stuff in that car.

Shut up.

How does a new Hyundai sound?

Like an old lawn mower.

I want my car.

Al, would you please shut up

and just take the car before...?

Mr. Bundy, we found your car.

Of course.

Where was it?

On the lot.

Yeah, when we
washed all the dirt off,

we found it was
a different color.

Gee, Al, maybe if we
got you to take a shower,

we'd find out you were black.

But then again...

Hey, what color was it?

Red.

Hey, come to think of it,

I remember buying a red Dodge.

Look at her, family,
isn't she a beaut?

Look at him, family,
isn't he a shoe salesman?

Let's go. Wait a minute.

I gotta check and see
if my stuff's in here.

What stuff?

Oh, you know. Big 'Uns.

It's not Big 'Uns, Peg.

[♪♪♪]