Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 9, Episode 16 - Best of Bundy - full transcript
Anything else I can do to
make your life a little easier?
You could shave your back.
Hey, that hair is
there for a reason.
It keeps you off of me at night.
Take a look at...
my mother-in-law!
[SCREAMS]
Al's getting ready
to use the staple gun.
[SOBBING, YELLING]
I am so glad I'm not
one of those women
who needs a lot of makeup.
Only Tammy Faye, Zsa
Zsa and Bozo use more.
Oh, how about this?
Four Weddings and a Funeral?
That's kind of like five
of the same thing, isn't it?
Hello, I'm George Plimpton.
Tonight it is my pleasure
to celebrate with you
a landmark in
American cultural history.
The 200th episode of a program
as reviled by
sanctimonious snobs
as it is cherished
by the downtrodden
who feel that their
cars have been towed
from the parking lot of life.
I speak, of course,
of television's longest-running
original comedy:
Married with Children.
ALL: Whoa, Bundy!
[♪♪♪]
[BOTH GIGGLING]
[SCREAMING]
[SHOUTS]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
[YELPS]
[ALL SCREAMING]
Every week
there walks through
this door a human being,
and America is
breathless in anticipation.
Like a colossus, he bears
on his broad shoulders, the...
The burdens of the common man.
And like most common men,
he's usually not
too happy about it.
Hi, honey. How was your day?
I came home. How
good could it have been?
I wish the world was a fly,
and I was a giant
rolled-up newspaper.
Here we go.
A fat woman clip-clopped
into the shoe store today, said:
"I'd like something
I'd be comfortable in."
I said, "Try Wyoming."
The last thing I remember,
I was down on one knee
waiting on an
overflowing glacier
of a woman.
First thing they teach you when
you're a rookie shoe salesman
is when you got a fat one
in the chair, never look up.
I looked up, Peg.
I saw underwear.
It said "Saturday."
So what?
Today's Wednesday.
[SOBBING]
Who is Al Bundy?
He's not just a purveyor
of lady's footwear.
He is Everyman.
We see in him not
only our dashed hopes,
but also our broken dreams.
Or is it the other way around?
In any case,
through his sacrifices,
his follies and his failures,
he makes us aware
of just how lucky we are
not to be him.
I don't care what
your little ruler says,
I've been a seven since I
graduated from high school.
Well, these are sevens.
The box says nine,
because, well, uh...
Look, lady, you're a nine.
I can accept it, why can't you?
You're very fresh.
No, ma'am, that's impossible.
Because for the last hour
I've been trying to squeeze
your foot into a shoe
when I really should have
been easing them into the box.
So no, I'd say I'm
anything but fresh.
By the way, you want to
tell John Henry over there
to give the $100 pumps a rest?
Your ad says,
"courteous service."
But that's not my ad, ma'am.
That's the former owners.
He was killed tragically
on this very spot
when a size-nine
exploded in his face.
Come on, Arnold. We're leaving.
I want a balloon.
You've already got one.
So anyway, Al
just keeps going on
about how something bad
is gonna happen to him.
And I say, "Look, it's
a simple operation.
What are the odds of something
horrible happening to you?"
Excuse me, Mrs. Bundy,
but something horrible has
happened to your husband.
This is one of those
unfortunate accidents
due to simple human error.
It seems our surgical team
misread your
doctor's instructions.
It said to give him
a circular incision.
So, uh, how could
you misread that?
We gave him a circumcision.
What?
Well, how much
did they cut off, Dad?
And by the way, I don't want
anyone talking about this,
especially you, Peg.
Oh, come on, Al.
I'm as embarrassed
about this as you are.
Besides, who would I tell?
Hey, Stubby.
ANNOUNCER: "The Best O' Bundy"
will continue in a moment.
This is the seat of power
where Al rests his weary bones
after a long day
at the shoe store.
Like the rest of Al's
life, it's not much,
but it is his... His
sanctuary, his fortress.
And not a bad place
to plan his revenge,
for it is simply not
in Al's character
to accept his fate.
Rather, he lashes out at it
with the mightiest weapon
at his disposal.
His mouth.
I don't know why
we even need bras.
I think it's to
keep your breasts
off the plate when you eat.
You know, if we put
an apple in his mouth,
we could have a luau.
No. He's gotta go
to work tomorrow
and earn that big money.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
You know who we have to
blame for this whole bra problem?
Me? No. Men.
They design and
manufacture bras,
not for the bosoms that we have,
but for the bosoms
that they want.
Do you know what would
happen if men had breasts?
We wouldn't need women anymore?
And if you had what
other men have,
I wouldn't need
batteries anymore.
That's what happened
to my Die Hard.
Every great man
has his Achilles' heel.
Or in Al's case,
his Achilles in heels.
Her name is Peg and
she's always there for Al,
much to his dismay.
This bed here is the
scene and the subject
of some of their
most heated battles.
It's the classic clash over
the question of marital duty
with a Bundian twist.
Now sit up, shut up
and brace yourself.
Oh, wait a second, Peg.
Remember, the kids are here.
Now, if you wanna have
sex, they'll have to leave.
And if you want it to be
good, you'll have to leave.
Gee, Al, I don't know about
you, but I'm horny as hell.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, so am I, but
you don't see me
bothering you with it, do you?
What are you getting
Peggy for Valentine's Day?
Fur? Jewels? Car?
If it was only that easy.
I'm gonna have sex with her.
Yeah, it's kind of a tradition.
Every Valentine's Day I
climb those stairs, you know,
walk the last mile, and, uh,
slam-dunk her one.
It's a spin through hell for
me, but she seems to like it.
My tushy is yearning for you.
♪ I wanna be rubbed by you ♪
♪ Just you ♪
♪ And nobody else But you ♪
Peg, I wouldn't rub your tushy
if Robin Williams
popped out of it
and offered me three wishes.
[SOBBING] Nobody loves me.
I care about you, pookie.
Really, Al?
Oh, yes.
Do I ever.
Just seeing you over
there by the window
really turns me on.
Come to Daddy.
Oh, Al.
Oh, God.
ANNOUNCER: "The Best
O' Bundy" will continue.
Over the years we've
watched Al and Peg grapple
with the bewildering job
of raising a family.
Growing up, dealing
with sexuality,
finding a worthwhile career.
If Al can't do it,
why should the
kids be any different?
Look what they want me to wear
on my next
Verminator commercial.
Daddy, I'm afraid
if I keep doing this
people are gonna think
that I'm all body and no...
Mind?
No, I don't mind. Go ahead.
Kelly, Kelly.
An exciting, tempestuous
youth of today.
Where is she going?
What is she doing?
And what is she talking about?
Well, Dad.
I guess this is
au revoir.
Mom, Adidas.
[SOBBING]
♪ She's an airhead ♪
♪ Stun gun and mace ♪
♪ Karmann Ghia plates ♪
♪ Say, "Lost in Space" ♪
The prostitution rests.
♪ She's an airhead ♪
♪ Thousands in trust ♪
♪ Cusp Aquarius Get serious ♪
I just hope he doesn't
make a testicle out of himself.
♪ She's an airhead ♪
♪ Tinted contracts ♪
♪ Don't change the fact ♪
♪ That black is black ♪
Daddy, it is so hot you could
lay an egg on the sidewalk.
♪ She's an airhead ♪
♪ And while I'm impressed ♪
♪ With the length
Of those legs ♪
♪ She's not An
intellectual giant ♪
You can't be this dumb.
I can be anything I
wanna be. It's the '90s.
♪ Airhead! ♪
Who could not love
Kelly's childlike simplicity?
Well, there's her
brother Bud, for one.
Their charming sibling rivalry
adds yet another
lively dimension
to the Bundy household.
I'm off to the mall.
Hey, Kel, I see
you're wearing your
love-me-for-my-mind
outfit again.
PEG: My little man.
He looks just cute as a bug.
[LAUGHS]
KELLY: Hey, Bud,
you know, if you
had one more arm
you'd have a date for
every night of the week.
I just thought that it was time
that I gave something
back to the community.
Well, judging by the
lines at the free clinic,
you already have.
Ooh.
Good things do come
in small packages.
Well, then you should
have him turn around.
Picture, if you will,
a young man
in his sexual prime.
Raging with testosterone,
plying every woman he
meets with his animal charm,
and you have Bud Bundy.
Hello.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I know you models are
always watching your weight.
Care for a Bud Light?
I'm sorry, but I think you've
mistaken me for someone
who would speak
to someone like you.
Strike one.
Hello.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm your new boyfriend.
Well, I'm your
new ex-girlfriend.
Reginald Bundy,
critic for The Times.
You know, I get so few chances
to see films with the public.
This time I wanna watch a
film exactly as the people do.
So, uh, if you don't mind...
[PUNCHING]
[SCREAMING]
ANNOUNCER: We will
return to "The Best O' Bundy"
after these messages.
Ah, neighbors.
Where would we be without them?
Resting quietly, one supposes.
However, this is
Married with Children,
and when Al's neighbor
Marcy comes to call
the result is usually
a deafening volley
of sophisticated bons mots
and witty repartee.
[LAUGHING]
[CHAINSAW WHIRRING]
[LAUGHING]
Al Bundy, what do
you think you're doing?
Going blind if you stand up.
Excuse me, but doesn't anybody
know this is against the law?
So is dressing up a chicken
and calling it your wife.
I am not a chicken.
Why does he keep
calling me a chicken?
Here's something I
bet you haven't heard
from a woman in a long time.
Fill her up.
Or do I have to
confirm the rumors
and tell you where
to put the nozzle?
Now, can you please tell
me what a woman's body
has to do with selling beer?
Since men buy beer,
the sponsors have to
cater to what we want, and...
Hold on to your corncob pipe.
We like pretty women.
Ergo, pretty women
sell good products,
ugly women sell tennis rackets.
Pretty women, cars.
Ugly women, minivans.
Pretty women make us buy beer.
Ugly women make us drink beer.
It would be easy to
think of Al Bundy's life
as a catalogue of failure.
Incredibly easy, in fact.
But in the spirit of charity,
let us turn now to a few
of those rare moments
when, against all odds,
Al manages to snatch triumph
from the jaws of humiliation.
Ahem.
Mr. Bundy. Uh...
I'm Bill. Hello, Bill.
I'm Al Bundy.
I'm Kelly's father.
This is, uh, some weather
we're having here, isn't it, Bill?
You know, it's funny, but it's
almost 1:00 in the morning,
and you were
kissing my daughter.
Oh, darn, Bill, it's so late
I thought that'd be open.
There you go.
Would you care to
try your luck, Mr...?
Bundy. Al Bundy.
I like a man who's
on top of things.
And I like a woman
with things on top.
Tell her, Peg.
Tell her who the
good-looking stud is
who has the neighborhood women
shaving their moustaches.
It can't be. I'm going outside.
There's gotta be
someone else out there.
What did they say about me?
Well, they said you had
the arms of a blacksmith,
and the legs of a god.
Did they say anything
about my butt?
Huh?
I was bending over
an awful lot out there.
Did anyone notice?
Did they, did they?
They liked it, Dad.
Yes!
[CHEERING]
[♪♪♪]
Touch the tush that
set Chicago afire.
Well, if you don't mind.
And now on to you, honey.
Tell me, is that money in
your pants, or are you, uh...?
Well, let's face it.
It could only be money.
Yep.
There's another kind of green
in my underwear now, Peg.
However, we may rest assured
that our champion
of the Everyman
never will be in danger of
achieving fame and fortune
on a permanent basis.
For no matter what happens
during the first 20
minutes of the program,
Al's fate has been sealed
by the evil Bundy curse.
A condition which guarantees
that his existence
will always remain
a living hell.
So long, everybody.
[GEORGE THOROGOOD AND THE
DESTROYERS' "BAD TO THE BONE" PLAYING]
[REVVING ENGINE]
[CRASHING]
Now listen, you're
flying first class.
Let's act like you've done
this a couple of times before.
Hey, waitress.
[CHUCKLING]
[SIGHS]
[♪♪♪]
AL: No. No!
Peg, a bathroom should be cold,
white, soothing. It should say:
"Step up to the bowl,
partner, and make it a double."
We go west, past
the cheese factories,
where the air is
fresh, the sky is big,
and a man can still kill
his dinner with his car.
[HORNS HONKING]
God, you're killing
me. No. No. No.
[SOBBING]
Which one of us has
the firmest heinie?
Oh, I'm blind.
Peg. Peg. Mommy.
AL: Peg.
I can't move my legs.
Someone shoot me.
[ROARING]
Then there are those
events in Al's life
that defy classification.
Moments that can
only be described as
"The best of Bundy."
No eat, no drink, no
money have I now.
Well, at least there's one thing
they can't take away from me.
Al, this is really no
fun unless you join us.
Well...
okay.
Here comes Daddy.
WOMAN: Al?
Al.
Coming.
It's enema time.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, God, I can't wake up.
AL: Help me!
So there you have it.
The all-American family.
The Bundys.
Each week they
inspire us and amuse us.
They make us laugh
and they make us think.
They are the mirror
in which we see
ourselves, warts and all.
Imperfect,
and yet perfect in
our imperfection.
Or something like that.
They may have their... Their
squabbles, their disagreements,
the occasional
two-squad-car brawl,
but more importantly,
they have each other.
And most importantly,
we have them.
I'm George Plimpton.
Thank you, and good night.
You know, Peg, it's kind of nice
sitting here like this with you.
How many beers did
you have tonight, Al?
Ten.
So I guess we're about a
six-pack short of sex, huh?
At least.
[♪♪♪]
make your life a little easier?
You could shave your back.
Hey, that hair is
there for a reason.
It keeps you off of me at night.
Take a look at...
my mother-in-law!
[SCREAMS]
Al's getting ready
to use the staple gun.
[SOBBING, YELLING]
I am so glad I'm not
one of those women
who needs a lot of makeup.
Only Tammy Faye, Zsa
Zsa and Bozo use more.
Oh, how about this?
Four Weddings and a Funeral?
That's kind of like five
of the same thing, isn't it?
Hello, I'm George Plimpton.
Tonight it is my pleasure
to celebrate with you
a landmark in
American cultural history.
The 200th episode of a program
as reviled by
sanctimonious snobs
as it is cherished
by the downtrodden
who feel that their
cars have been towed
from the parking lot of life.
I speak, of course,
of television's longest-running
original comedy:
Married with Children.
ALL: Whoa, Bundy!
[♪♪♪]
[BOTH GIGGLING]
[SCREAMING]
[SHOUTS]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
[YELPS]
[ALL SCREAMING]
Every week
there walks through
this door a human being,
and America is
breathless in anticipation.
Like a colossus, he bears
on his broad shoulders, the...
The burdens of the common man.
And like most common men,
he's usually not
too happy about it.
Hi, honey. How was your day?
I came home. How
good could it have been?
I wish the world was a fly,
and I was a giant
rolled-up newspaper.
Here we go.
A fat woman clip-clopped
into the shoe store today, said:
"I'd like something
I'd be comfortable in."
I said, "Try Wyoming."
The last thing I remember,
I was down on one knee
waiting on an
overflowing glacier
of a woman.
First thing they teach you when
you're a rookie shoe salesman
is when you got a fat one
in the chair, never look up.
I looked up, Peg.
I saw underwear.
It said "Saturday."
So what?
Today's Wednesday.
[SOBBING]
Who is Al Bundy?
He's not just a purveyor
of lady's footwear.
He is Everyman.
We see in him not
only our dashed hopes,
but also our broken dreams.
Or is it the other way around?
In any case,
through his sacrifices,
his follies and his failures,
he makes us aware
of just how lucky we are
not to be him.
I don't care what
your little ruler says,
I've been a seven since I
graduated from high school.
Well, these are sevens.
The box says nine,
because, well, uh...
Look, lady, you're a nine.
I can accept it, why can't you?
You're very fresh.
No, ma'am, that's impossible.
Because for the last hour
I've been trying to squeeze
your foot into a shoe
when I really should have
been easing them into the box.
So no, I'd say I'm
anything but fresh.
By the way, you want to
tell John Henry over there
to give the $100 pumps a rest?
Your ad says,
"courteous service."
But that's not my ad, ma'am.
That's the former owners.
He was killed tragically
on this very spot
when a size-nine
exploded in his face.
Come on, Arnold. We're leaving.
I want a balloon.
You've already got one.
So anyway, Al
just keeps going on
about how something bad
is gonna happen to him.
And I say, "Look, it's
a simple operation.
What are the odds of something
horrible happening to you?"
Excuse me, Mrs. Bundy,
but something horrible has
happened to your husband.
This is one of those
unfortunate accidents
due to simple human error.
It seems our surgical team
misread your
doctor's instructions.
It said to give him
a circular incision.
So, uh, how could
you misread that?
We gave him a circumcision.
What?
Well, how much
did they cut off, Dad?
And by the way, I don't want
anyone talking about this,
especially you, Peg.
Oh, come on, Al.
I'm as embarrassed
about this as you are.
Besides, who would I tell?
Hey, Stubby.
ANNOUNCER: "The Best O' Bundy"
will continue in a moment.
This is the seat of power
where Al rests his weary bones
after a long day
at the shoe store.
Like the rest of Al's
life, it's not much,
but it is his... His
sanctuary, his fortress.
And not a bad place
to plan his revenge,
for it is simply not
in Al's character
to accept his fate.
Rather, he lashes out at it
with the mightiest weapon
at his disposal.
His mouth.
I don't know why
we even need bras.
I think it's to
keep your breasts
off the plate when you eat.
You know, if we put
an apple in his mouth,
we could have a luau.
No. He's gotta go
to work tomorrow
and earn that big money.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
You know who we have to
blame for this whole bra problem?
Me? No. Men.
They design and
manufacture bras,
not for the bosoms that we have,
but for the bosoms
that they want.
Do you know what would
happen if men had breasts?
We wouldn't need women anymore?
And if you had what
other men have,
I wouldn't need
batteries anymore.
That's what happened
to my Die Hard.
Every great man
has his Achilles' heel.
Or in Al's case,
his Achilles in heels.
Her name is Peg and
she's always there for Al,
much to his dismay.
This bed here is the
scene and the subject
of some of their
most heated battles.
It's the classic clash over
the question of marital duty
with a Bundian twist.
Now sit up, shut up
and brace yourself.
Oh, wait a second, Peg.
Remember, the kids are here.
Now, if you wanna have
sex, they'll have to leave.
And if you want it to be
good, you'll have to leave.
Gee, Al, I don't know about
you, but I'm horny as hell.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, so am I, but
you don't see me
bothering you with it, do you?
What are you getting
Peggy for Valentine's Day?
Fur? Jewels? Car?
If it was only that easy.
I'm gonna have sex with her.
Yeah, it's kind of a tradition.
Every Valentine's Day I
climb those stairs, you know,
walk the last mile, and, uh,
slam-dunk her one.
It's a spin through hell for
me, but she seems to like it.
My tushy is yearning for you.
♪ I wanna be rubbed by you ♪
♪ Just you ♪
♪ And nobody else But you ♪
Peg, I wouldn't rub your tushy
if Robin Williams
popped out of it
and offered me three wishes.
[SOBBING] Nobody loves me.
I care about you, pookie.
Really, Al?
Oh, yes.
Do I ever.
Just seeing you over
there by the window
really turns me on.
Come to Daddy.
Oh, Al.
Oh, God.
ANNOUNCER: "The Best
O' Bundy" will continue.
Over the years we've
watched Al and Peg grapple
with the bewildering job
of raising a family.
Growing up, dealing
with sexuality,
finding a worthwhile career.
If Al can't do it,
why should the
kids be any different?
Look what they want me to wear
on my next
Verminator commercial.
Daddy, I'm afraid
if I keep doing this
people are gonna think
that I'm all body and no...
Mind?
No, I don't mind. Go ahead.
Kelly, Kelly.
An exciting, tempestuous
youth of today.
Where is she going?
What is she doing?
And what is she talking about?
Well, Dad.
I guess this is
au revoir.
Mom, Adidas.
[SOBBING]
♪ She's an airhead ♪
♪ Stun gun and mace ♪
♪ Karmann Ghia plates ♪
♪ Say, "Lost in Space" ♪
The prostitution rests.
♪ She's an airhead ♪
♪ Thousands in trust ♪
♪ Cusp Aquarius Get serious ♪
I just hope he doesn't
make a testicle out of himself.
♪ She's an airhead ♪
♪ Tinted contracts ♪
♪ Don't change the fact ♪
♪ That black is black ♪
Daddy, it is so hot you could
lay an egg on the sidewalk.
♪ She's an airhead ♪
♪ And while I'm impressed ♪
♪ With the length
Of those legs ♪
♪ She's not An
intellectual giant ♪
You can't be this dumb.
I can be anything I
wanna be. It's the '90s.
♪ Airhead! ♪
Who could not love
Kelly's childlike simplicity?
Well, there's her
brother Bud, for one.
Their charming sibling rivalry
adds yet another
lively dimension
to the Bundy household.
I'm off to the mall.
Hey, Kel, I see
you're wearing your
love-me-for-my-mind
outfit again.
PEG: My little man.
He looks just cute as a bug.
[LAUGHS]
KELLY: Hey, Bud,
you know, if you
had one more arm
you'd have a date for
every night of the week.
I just thought that it was time
that I gave something
back to the community.
Well, judging by the
lines at the free clinic,
you already have.
Ooh.
Good things do come
in small packages.
Well, then you should
have him turn around.
Picture, if you will,
a young man
in his sexual prime.
Raging with testosterone,
plying every woman he
meets with his animal charm,
and you have Bud Bundy.
Hello.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I know you models are
always watching your weight.
Care for a Bud Light?
I'm sorry, but I think you've
mistaken me for someone
who would speak
to someone like you.
Strike one.
Hello.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm your new boyfriend.
Well, I'm your
new ex-girlfriend.
Reginald Bundy,
critic for The Times.
You know, I get so few chances
to see films with the public.
This time I wanna watch a
film exactly as the people do.
So, uh, if you don't mind...
[PUNCHING]
[SCREAMING]
ANNOUNCER: We will
return to "The Best O' Bundy"
after these messages.
Ah, neighbors.
Where would we be without them?
Resting quietly, one supposes.
However, this is
Married with Children,
and when Al's neighbor
Marcy comes to call
the result is usually
a deafening volley
of sophisticated bons mots
and witty repartee.
[LAUGHING]
[CHAINSAW WHIRRING]
[LAUGHING]
Al Bundy, what do
you think you're doing?
Going blind if you stand up.
Excuse me, but doesn't anybody
know this is against the law?
So is dressing up a chicken
and calling it your wife.
I am not a chicken.
Why does he keep
calling me a chicken?
Here's something I
bet you haven't heard
from a woman in a long time.
Fill her up.
Or do I have to
confirm the rumors
and tell you where
to put the nozzle?
Now, can you please tell
me what a woman's body
has to do with selling beer?
Since men buy beer,
the sponsors have to
cater to what we want, and...
Hold on to your corncob pipe.
We like pretty women.
Ergo, pretty women
sell good products,
ugly women sell tennis rackets.
Pretty women, cars.
Ugly women, minivans.
Pretty women make us buy beer.
Ugly women make us drink beer.
It would be easy to
think of Al Bundy's life
as a catalogue of failure.
Incredibly easy, in fact.
But in the spirit of charity,
let us turn now to a few
of those rare moments
when, against all odds,
Al manages to snatch triumph
from the jaws of humiliation.
Ahem.
Mr. Bundy. Uh...
I'm Bill. Hello, Bill.
I'm Al Bundy.
I'm Kelly's father.
This is, uh, some weather
we're having here, isn't it, Bill?
You know, it's funny, but it's
almost 1:00 in the morning,
and you were
kissing my daughter.
Oh, darn, Bill, it's so late
I thought that'd be open.
There you go.
Would you care to
try your luck, Mr...?
Bundy. Al Bundy.
I like a man who's
on top of things.
And I like a woman
with things on top.
Tell her, Peg.
Tell her who the
good-looking stud is
who has the neighborhood women
shaving their moustaches.
It can't be. I'm going outside.
There's gotta be
someone else out there.
What did they say about me?
Well, they said you had
the arms of a blacksmith,
and the legs of a god.
Did they say anything
about my butt?
Huh?
I was bending over
an awful lot out there.
Did anyone notice?
Did they, did they?
They liked it, Dad.
Yes!
[CHEERING]
[♪♪♪]
Touch the tush that
set Chicago afire.
Well, if you don't mind.
And now on to you, honey.
Tell me, is that money in
your pants, or are you, uh...?
Well, let's face it.
It could only be money.
Yep.
There's another kind of green
in my underwear now, Peg.
However, we may rest assured
that our champion
of the Everyman
never will be in danger of
achieving fame and fortune
on a permanent basis.
For no matter what happens
during the first 20
minutes of the program,
Al's fate has been sealed
by the evil Bundy curse.
A condition which guarantees
that his existence
will always remain
a living hell.
So long, everybody.
[GEORGE THOROGOOD AND THE
DESTROYERS' "BAD TO THE BONE" PLAYING]
[REVVING ENGINE]
[CRASHING]
Now listen, you're
flying first class.
Let's act like you've done
this a couple of times before.
Hey, waitress.
[CHUCKLING]
[SIGHS]
[♪♪♪]
AL: No. No!
Peg, a bathroom should be cold,
white, soothing. It should say:
"Step up to the bowl,
partner, and make it a double."
We go west, past
the cheese factories,
where the air is
fresh, the sky is big,
and a man can still kill
his dinner with his car.
[HORNS HONKING]
God, you're killing
me. No. No. No.
[SOBBING]
Which one of us has
the firmest heinie?
Oh, I'm blind.
Peg. Peg. Mommy.
AL: Peg.
I can't move my legs.
Someone shoot me.
[ROARING]
Then there are those
events in Al's life
that defy classification.
Moments that can
only be described as
"The best of Bundy."
No eat, no drink, no
money have I now.
Well, at least there's one thing
they can't take away from me.
Al, this is really no
fun unless you join us.
Well...
okay.
Here comes Daddy.
WOMAN: Al?
Al.
Coming.
It's enema time.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, God, I can't wake up.
AL: Help me!
So there you have it.
The all-American family.
The Bundys.
Each week they
inspire us and amuse us.
They make us laugh
and they make us think.
They are the mirror
in which we see
ourselves, warts and all.
Imperfect,
and yet perfect in
our imperfection.
Or something like that.
They may have their... Their
squabbles, their disagreements,
the occasional
two-squad-car brawl,
but more importantly,
they have each other.
And most importantly,
we have them.
I'm George Plimpton.
Thank you, and good night.
You know, Peg, it's kind of nice
sitting here like this with you.
How many beers did
you have tonight, Al?
Ten.
So I guess we're about a
six-pack short of sex, huh?
At least.
[♪♪♪]