Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 9, Episode 15 - Kelly Takes a Shot - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Cut it out.

Cut it out, Bud.

I'm just not in the
mood right now.

How could you
not be in the mood?

When we did it a month ago,

you said it was the best
three minutes of your life.

It was.

I'm just not ready
for an encore yet.

I like to take my time.
It makes it special.

You know, if it gets
much more special,



I won't be able to guarantee
a full three minutes.

Trust me. It'll be better
when we both really want it.

Okay.

Okay, fine.

I'm not an animal. I can wait.

Mental note: Sleep
on stomach tonight.

[SIGHS]

I give up.

Today was the
worst day of my life.

Worse than the day you found out

that big brush in the
bathroom wasn't for your teeth?

Okay, the second-worst
day of my life.

I went to go read for this
really great movie part,

but before I even had
a chance to audition,



they gave the part
to somebody else.

Who?

Meryl Streep.

Now, come on, what does
she have that I don't have?

What? You mean,
besides the Oscars,

the fame, and the command
of the English language?

Yeah.

Well, it begins with a T.

Pfft. I got those.

Talent, Gump.

See, in short, Kel,

the problem with your
acting career is that,

well, you stink. You reek.

See, what you should be
reading for is the girl who says:

"If you're under 18,
please hang up now."

Not... Not that I would
ever use those things.

Sometimes you just misdial
calling the Library of Congress.

The numbers are so similar.

You don't think I'm good
enough to be an actress?

You're hardly a
believable Kelly.

[GASPS, WHIMPERS]

[SOBBING]

So you ready?

You should be
ashamed of yourself.

I am.

You ready?

No, I'm not ready.

I can't believe I let you have

what you claimed
was sex with me.

You are just so
mean to your sister.

Yeah. So?

You ready?

A good, caring brother would
help build her self-esteem.

I thought you were
different from other guys.

I thought you were sensitive.

I'm sensitive.

I am. Honest.

I come from a long line of
caring, sensitive, Bundy men.

Where's my shotgun?

Where's my shotgun?

I'm gonna blow his
freaking head off.

Don't you think you're
overreacting just a little?

Some bird chirps on
my side of the window

every night for a week,

and just because I want to
pump 6 pounds of buckshot

into its 3-ounce
body, I'm overreacting?

I said we were sensitive, not...

Not sane.

Woman, my aught-six.

I don't have your
aught-six anymore.

I gave it to the mailman.

He was so depressed
about losing his job,

I thought it might cheer him up.

Well, what am I gonna
do, Peg? I can't sleep.

That can be deadly
in my line of work.

What if a fat woman
tries on a pair of heels

and I'm not alert
enough to shift my body

before she topples?

Amber, you're here.

Didn't I warn you
about this house?

Remember the story,
The Bundyville Horror?

This is the place.
These are the people.

And this is the church

and this is the steeple.

Marcy, despite your annoying
flapping of both lip and wing,

I'm glad you're here.

I'm having a problem with birds.

Perhaps you can speak to
them in their native tongue.

They're keeping me up.

Mm.

What's their secret?

They look the same as
they did in high school.

Well, if you really want
to scare them away,

an owl will usually do it.

An Al? I'm an Al.

An owl, you dolt.

You know: "Hoo, hoo"?

What? Hoo.

Huh? Not "huh." Hoo.

"Not huh," what?

Not huh. Not what. Hoo.

Who, Al who?

Not "Al who." Owl, "hoo."

Oh, an owl.

Why didn't you say so?
I need to get me an owl.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Al, either you're going
to the zoo at midnight,

or come to bed.

Well, since she put it that way,

to the zoo.

Let's go, Amber.

And I want you to take a
shower the minute we get home.

Look, Amber, maybe we
just got off on the wrong foot.

How...? How about
just a little kiss?

We can, uh, settle
in for some CNN.

[SIGHS]

Okay, Bud.

In a perverted sort of a way,
I kind of respect your opinion.

So before I kill myself,
would you mind telling me

is there anything
that I'm good at?

Kel, if there were anything...

AMBER: I thought
you were special.

Wrong with you, I'd
have told you long ago.

Like, take your acting.

You see, heh,
when I said you stink,

I meant you stink at
choosing your roles.

You know, like anyone from
the Saturday Night Live cast.

Well, those who can, do.

Those who can't, do not.

Yeah. Look, what I meant was,

there are much better
jobs out there, Kel.

Like, for instance, I was
just dating this actress.

Well, she plays topless
Lady Macbeth at the nudie bar.

And she just happened
to mention to me

that there's a commercial
audition for Fryer Tuck's.

You know, the fast-food
place with the merry menu?

I bet you I could
get you an audition.

Bud, you are an angel.
And I don't mean an angel

like someone who died
without ever having sex,

although I could.

I mean an angel who
does good deeds. Hm-hm.

Why are you being so
nice to me all of a sudden?

Well, I've matured.

And I now realize there's
a satisfaction to be gained

by helping others.

Amber won't give
you any, will she?

No.

Yup, Amber, I got
Kelly an audition.

And I am at my most sensitive.

So I was thinking, um,

how about topless
poetry in my room?

Hello? Hello?

Mom, can you tell me
something about love?

Yeah.

It's a many-splendored thing.

Have you seen
my toenail clippers?

No, I mean, what makes
a woman want a guy?

I mean, you actually wanted Dad
a-at one time, for some reason.

Well, then you're
not talking love,

you're talking hard
liquor. Heh-heh.

Oh, Bud, I'm just kidding.

There was a time when your
father was a very desirable man.

Guess who.

Now is not one of those times.

Dad, tell me you
didn't rent an owl suit

to sit in a tree
and scare birds.

I did not.

I bought this baby.

Talked him down to 400 bucks

and he threw in the
night vision goggles. See?

Now do you wonder why I
took my name off the mailbox?

I almost got a
live owl at the zoo

but I found out something
very important last night.

Never try to sneak past a rabbit
hutch with an owl in your pants.

Even though they can't
see, they just know.

Time to go to work.

Uh, honey, are
you sure about this?

Relax, Peg. The guy who sold
it to me gave me a guarantee.

Money-back? No.

He just said it would work,

put a closed sign on
and drove away, but...

Hey, don't worry. I
gave him a check.

It's not good or
traceable or anything.

Did you get the Fryer Tuck job?

No, not yet. It's down
to me and another girl.

But in order to get
the commercial,

I have to learn how to
shoot a bow and arrow.

You know, architecture?

What am I gonna do?

The other girl is
already a good architect.

Okay, how long do you
have before the callback?

A week. I can't learn
to shoot in 10 days.

Oh, Bud, will you
help me, please?

Oh, the things I do for love.

Not you.

Marcy's niece, what's-her-tush.

Mm.

Okay, let's begin.

Okay, let's stop.

Start over.

Do you remember what the
guy in the archery store said?

"Jump up and down
while I take these pictures"?

After that. Remember?

Look, feet apart,

relax, breathe slowly.

[INHALES DEEPLY]
Left arm, straight.

Okay, no, you're way
too low now. Aim higher.

[AL SHRIEKS]

[WHIMPERING]

Now, Dad, before you get mad,

just please try to encourage
her. She's just learning.

Fine.

I'll keep the bleeding internal.

[WHIMPERING]

Thanks, Dad.

Look, this is not gonna work.

I mean, let's face facts.

If God wanted
people to shoot a bow,

he wouldn't have
invented assault weapons.

Look, that last shot
wasn't your fault, okay?

No bird has a butt that big.

Now, let's just try this
again, all right? Okay.

Just relax. All right?

Will the arrow. Okay.

Use the force.

See? Told you.

Relax, relax.

Remember, there's nothing
to worry about. Okay?

You just keep
saying to yourself,

"I am an architect."

Got it.

So where's your competition?

Over there.

Now, Kelly doesn't exactly
have to win this thing

for me to score, right?

Well, might as well
introduce myself.

No sense in being a bad sport.

Heh. Hi. I'm Kelly.

May the best girl win.

Bull's-eye.

[CHUCKLES]

What a quaint custom.

Here's one my mom taught me.

Hello, ladies. How
are my finalists today?

Fine, Mr. Tuck. Fine, Mr. Tuck.

Oh, please,
"mister" is so formal.

You can just call
me "Sugar Daddy."

Now, as you girls know,
you are so close in talent,

the only legal way to
decide who gets this role

is with a shootout.

You have any questions?

Um, actually...

Good, then let's
scoot and shoot.

How do we know who goes first?

I mean, should we flip a
coin or draw straws or...?

How about if I go second?

Okay.

Alrighty.

[♪♪♪]

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is the last shot
of the competition,

and at the request
of Miss Bundy,

we will now flip a coin
to see who goes first.

[COIN CLINKS]

Your turn,

lame aim.

Bud, I cannot beat that.

Yes, you can. You
can do anything.

You're just saying that
to score with Amber.

Yes, I am.

But you can win this
and I'm gonna help you.

Really? Yes, of course.

You just tell me what
you want me to do.

Okay.

For my final shot,

I am going to shoot an apple

off my brother's head.

TUCK: Hey! All right!

[APPLAUSE]

H... Now, wait, wait, wait
a sec now. I'm her brother.

Kel, don't you think this apple
thing has been done to death?

Not yet.

Bud, I think it's so sexy,

what you're doing
for your sister.

How sexy do you think it is,

on a scale of one
to do-I-get-some?

Let's do it.

Isn't Bud the greatest? Yeah.

[QUIETLY] Damned
if I'd do this for him.

What am I doing?

Am I so desperate for sex
that I'd risk certain death?

Why, yes. Yes, I would.

Okay.

Stand still.

You know, I am really
touched that Bud is doing this.

For the first time in my life,

it's like someone in my
family really believes in me.

God, I'm actually tearing up,

which is totally
not good for Bud,

since now he's nothing
but a blur from here.

Oh, what do I need to prove?

Having a family on your side
has got to be more important

than having some
fried-chicken typhoon

telling me I'm finger-licking
good every morning.

I can't do this.

I don't need to be
the Fryer Tuck girl.

I'm just proud enough to
be that horndog's sister.

[MOUTHS] Thank
you, God. Thank you.

I'm out of the contest.
The job's yours.

Couldn't do it, could you?

Candy ass.

Candy this.

[SHRIEKS]

TUCK: Bravo!

Heh. Yeah, that
was pretty amazing.

I haven't seen an
emerald-crested night thrush

since I took
bird-watching in college.

Uh, you know, to, uh...

To meet chicks.

But when I heard this little
fella's distinctive call, the:

[TWEETS]

I knew I had to
notify the authorities.

To think, in Al's yard, two
endangered thrush eggs.

Well, I'm just glad
they stopped him

before he could
eat the other one.

I am gonna miss him, though.

Mm. Yeah, but it's not like

you can't see him
whenever you want.

Well, time to go watch Kelly

taping her Fryer Tuck's
commercial. Ha-ha.

Uh, will Bud be okay?

Oh, sure. He's been changed.

And besides,

when is a turnip
ever really not okay?

Bud, we're leaving.

Mommy go. Daddy, tree.

Bud-Bud, sofa.

Oh, isn't that cute?

His first words.

Soon, he'll be eating solid
foods and walking again.

[CHUCKLES]

They do grow up
fast, don't they?

Bud, Aunt Marcy
won't be back for hours.

I want you, bad.

Ooh. Girl. Yucky. Cooties. Ugh.

Men.

Oh, well, it could be worse.
Oh, well, it could be worse.

At least I'm not Dad.
At least I'm not Bud.

[♪♪♪]