Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 9, Episode 14 - The Naked and the Dead, But Mostly the Naked - full transcript

To check out their husbands claim of "totally innocent fun" Peggy, Marcy and their friends accompany their husbands Al, Jefferson, Charlie, Ike and Bob Rooney to the Jiggly Room strip club....

[♪♪♪]

Here we go.

Ohh.

Fresh from the oven.

Not that I bake, mind you.

It's just that that's
where I hide it

from Al and the kids.

I'll get the forks.

Now, let's see.

Where do I keep
the good plastic?

Oh, that's right.



There we go.

We couldn't wait.

Whoa, glad I'm not made
of butter cream frosting.

Mom.

What is the best news that
you could possibly hear?

They're making men in flavors?

Yeah.

I got a commercial. [GASPS]

Now, it's not just
any commercial.

I am going to be the
new Waist Away diet girl.

Ooh!

Oh, honey, that is terrific.

Waist Away. That's a good diet.

I've lost hundreds of
pounds on that one.



You know, I am
one of those people

that can't lose
weight no matter what.

I don't know. You know,
slow metabolism, I guess.

I don't know.

Mm.

Mom, don't you see
what this means?

This could be my
springboard to Hollywood.

TV, movies,

made-for-TV movies.

Movies made from old TV.

Mom, I'm finally on my way.

Hey, Buck,

I'm finally on my way.

Mr. Clock, I'm
finally on my way.

Bud and the rubber
woman, I'm finally on my way.

I take it Al and his
NO MA'AM herd

had a meeting tonight?

Yeah. Why?

Because there's a bumper
sticker on my car which says:

"Support feminists. Hairy
women need love too."

So tell me, where is
the little knuckle-walker?

With the rest of the husbands
down at the Jiggly Room.

The Jiggly Room?

Isn't that a strip club?

No, it's a school of
science and industry.

Do you all mind if I
ask you a question?

Do we have to stop eating?

Why do you let your
husbands go to places like that?

Think about the message
that they're sending.

They're saying, you
don't turn us on anymore,

so we'll just get
stimulated elsewhere.

Well, that's sick.
It's disgusting. It...

Oh, my God, is that
John F. Kennedy Jr.?

[GIGGLING]

It's downright insulting.

Marcy, what is the big deal?
All men go to strip clubs.

Not my Jefferson.

You may let the eyes
of your men wander

but I am more than
enough woman for mine.

Whoa, did you see the
headlights on that last stripper?

How about the tail lights
on the one with the tattoos?

No, no, no. Those
weren't tattoos.

Those are my fingerprints.

[LAUGHTER]

Shh. Shh.

Okay, you guys go ahead on in.

Now, in case Marcy's in there,
remember, I wasn't with you.

I was working security at, um,

Wong's Dry Cleaning.

[LAUGHS]

Okay, guys, it's time
to face the wives.

[ALL SIGH]

All right, now,
remember this, men.

Just as a man's eyes

must adjust to the light
when he's been in the dark,

so too must a man's
eyes adjust to his wife

when he's been in the nudie bar.

Ergo, do not look
directly at them.

Let's do it.

Hey, Peg.

Hi, guys. How was the club?

Ah, same thing.
Boring this time.

No big deal.

Just a minute.

Now, tell me, what do you guys
get out of going to strip clubs?

We get out of the house.

Seriously, Al.

Ah, come on now, Peg.
Don't let Foghorn Leghorn here

make an issue out of this.

It's no big deal.

Oh, hey, guys.

I just got back
from guarding stuff.

Where have you been?

Jefferson.

They went to a strip club.

[GASPS]

You make me sick.

Well, Jefferson thinks
it's a big deal, Al.

So tell us. What
do you do there?

Nothing. Uh, sit and watch
ladies dance and jump.

And are they naked?

No!

No, they're wearing those, uh,

what-you-call-its.

Shoes?

Well, all I can say is that if
I ever caught my Jefferson

going into a place like
that, I would do things to him

that would make Lorena
Bobbitt toss her cookies.

And what do you do
with those strippers?

Do you touch them?

No!

No, we don't do
anything with them

that we wouldn't do with you.

And you know we don't touch you.

That's just the point.

Marcy says the only
reason you go there

is because we don't
turn you on anymore.

Oh, she does, does she?

Well, how ridiculous is that?

You people don't
turn us on anymore.

Anyway, ladies,

while it may seem
that the nudie bar

is a place where men go

to watch
surgically-altered hooters

sway oddly to bad music,

in reality,

it is a place where men
go to relax and unwind and

watch surgically-altered
hooters sway

oddly to bad music, Peg.

Gee, Al, I guess we were misled.

Sounds like
totally innocent fun.

You're right.

So I guess you wouldn't
mind if we joined you?

J-j-join us?

At the nudie bar?

Well, sure. We wanna
relax and unwind too.

From what?

Tearing open them
packages of Ho Hos

with your teeth all day?

Exactly.

I mean, no.

Take it or leave it, Al.

Either you take us with
you the next time you go

or you are never
going there again.

And just how are
you gonna stop us?

We won't give you any money.

Well, that'll do it.

Al, are you nuts?

Taking the wives
to the nudie bar?

They're gonna see how
we act. They'll kill us.

Jefferson, first of all,

what makes you think
I'm afraid of my wife?

The fact that we're whispering
about this in your garage.

Come on, now, listen, I
got this thing all worked out.

We're going to take
them on Thursdays.

Thursday night?
That's our bowling night.

[SNICKERS]

And why do we go
bowling on Thursday night?

Because at the Jiggly
Room, it's always...

A-cup night.

Of course.

There's not a doctored
yummy in the house.

[LAUGHS]

Hence, we won't
get excited. Yeah.

But what if we do?

Well, then try to imagine
Jefferson's wife up on stage

with no clothes on.

[LAUGHTER]

And if that doesn't work,

try to picture Jefferson
up on stage with no clothes.

[LAUGHTER]

What if that doesn't work?

Then you're out of the club.

Hi, I'm here for the commercial.

I'm Kelly Bundy,
the Waist Away girl.

Are you the hairdresser?

No. I'm a professional wrestler

they've nicknamed
"The Hairdresser."

Oh, okay.

Um, well, when the
hairdresser gets here,

you just tell him

that I'm supposed to be
peppy for this commercial

so I'd like kind of
a windswept look.

Not too far off the
face, but with the sides

with a little bit more texture.

Okay? Hm-hmm.

Done.

Thanks.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for the
dressing rooms.

Oh, they're over in
the producer's office.

But he's really stupid.

He had me try on
30 different outfits

before he made
up his mind, so...

Thanks.

MAN [ON BULLHORN]:
Kelly Bundy to the set, please.

Hi, Kelly. I'm your director.

Okay. Okay.

When I say action, I want
you to turn away from the fridge,

look into the camera, say:
"And, baby, look at me now."

Then sip, go "Mmm,"
and say the flavor.

Can you do that for me?

Is a bear Catholic?

Let's get started.

Okay.

Places, please.

Oh, how will I know
what the flavor is?

From the taste. Okay.

Waist Away diet ad, take one.

DIRECTOR [ON BULLHORN]: Action.

And, baby, look at me now.

Mmm, cow pie.

That's cherry.

You taste it.

I have.

Look, from now on
we'll just label the cups.

Cups? How much of
this bile do I have to drink?

[CHUCKLES]

Action.

And, baby, look at me now.

Mmm, kiwi.

Mmm, cabbage.

Mmm, salmon.

Mmm...

[RETCHES]

Cut.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, this is it, dear.
This is where I go.

Don't touch anything.

AL: Right this way,
ladies. Right this way.

Jeez, what a dump.

Oh, I don't know. It's better

than some of the
restaurants Al's taken me to.

Jefferson, I still
don't understand

why you have to dress like that.

[SIGHS] I'm a pillar of
the community, Marcy.

I shouldn't be seen
in places like this.

Oh, hi, Jefferson.

Hello, Mai Lin.

Whoa, that's a relief.

I thought I was the only
dry-cleaner security guard

working undercover tonight.

Gee, Al, I can't believe you
spend time in places like this.

I mean, what kind of
example is this for our son?

Um, I gotta go.

Another emergency
bypass, Dr. Bundy?

Ah, yes.

Yes, it appears my
beeper has just gone off.

Also.

I'll see you tomorrow.

[DRUM ROLL]

Good evening, patrons.

And welcome to the Jiggly Room

where we present the finest

in yada-yada-yada.

Our first A-cup tonight
is a delectable little dish

we like to call Shay Shay.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Now, let's see. W-where
did we leave off last week?

We were discussing
health-care reform, I believe.

Oh, yes. I think...

Oh, excuse me, ma'am, I
believe you dropped this.

I think we were
weighing the benefits

of medical malpractice torts

against across-the-board

employer insurance
contributions.

Ah, yes. I'd like a bowl

of your freshest
air-popped popcorn, please.

And I'd like an
unflavored mineral water

with a lemon wedge.

Two beers.

Gee, Al, I have to admit

this isn't anything like
I thought it would be.

I know, Peg. Usually it's a
little more civilized in here

but when the talk
turns to health care,

damn it, I become an animal.

Whoopsie.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Ginger or Mary Ann?

Mary Ann. Mary Ann.

Gilligan or Mrs. Howell?

Well, that depends. How
long we been on this island?

Al, we have to apologize.

I really thought you came
down here to ogle these women.

But if this is how you're
gonna act, you can have it.

Come on, girls.

Oh, no, no, Peg. No,
now, wait a minute here.

Don't go. Ike is about to start
a conversation on auto repair.

Now, you just stay seated
here, the night's still young.

And now,

the Jiggly Room presents
a very special treat.

She is usually here on Saturdays

but this week she'll
be getting married.

To me.

And here she is,
the two, the only,

Rocki Mountains.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, my God.

Helen, you still here?

Hm-hmm.

Go home.

Would someone please tell me

who on earth
would find that sexy?

Men, get a hold of
yourselves. Get a grip.

Who's man enough
to climb the Rockies?

[GROANING]

I can't take it anymore.

It's party time.

Boy, Louise is gonna kill him
when he gets home, huh, Helen?

Hey, Al, you think the
wives will ever let us

come back to this place again?

It'll be where they
dump the bodies

after they gut us in our sleep.

We can't go on
dancing like this forever.

What'll we do?

What we all know we have to do.

You mean...?

I'm afraid so.

HELEN: Oh, Charlie.

FRANNIE: Oh, Ike.

LOUISE: Oh, Bob Rooney.

PEG: Oh, Al.

MARCY: Oh, Mr. Lincoln.

Hey, buddy,

you up for the
Jiggly Room tonight?

No, Jefferson,
I'm all jigglied out.

Hey, guys, guess
what it's time for.

Armageddon?

No, better. It is
the world premiere

of my Waist Away
diet commercial.

Oh, man, when people see
my face in this commercial,

the offers are gonna rain
down like halves and pogs.

I'm... I'm gonna be huge.

WOMAN: Will Waist
Away work for you?

Ask former heavyweight,
Diane Graham.

Other diets let me down.

So I tried Waist Away.

And, baby, look at me now.

Wait a minute.
That's not my head.

They didn't use my head.

And remember, I'm not
just a Waist Away client,

I'm the president of
the company's daughter.

[SOBBING]

Aw, now, pumpkin,
you know that life

is full of little
setbacks. Now...

You... You just have
to stand tall and...

And learn to face
them with courage and...

And dignity, huh?

Oh, Al, look what we got

at the Hungry Undie?

Your favorite, Jefferson.

Butterscotch.

[SOBBING] [SOBBING]

[♪♪♪]