Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 9, Episode 18 - 25 Years and What Do You Get? - full transcript

On their 25th wedding anniversary, Peggy goes out with Marcy to a posh health spa where Peggy gets coned out of all her money by a gift shop employee selling cheap beauty items. Meanwhile, Al is in trouble when the old and senile Buck buries in the back yard the anniversary gift necklace he plans to give Peggy, which prompts him, Bud and Kelly to literally dig up the entire back yard looking for the necklace.

[♪♪♪]

MAN [ON TV]: Today on Oprah:

Qualified experts
speak rationally

about relevant social issues.

What?

Just kidding. Today's topic:

Sluts who hang out at 7-Eleven.

[LAUGHS]

Congratulations, Peggy.

Happy 25th wedding anniversary.

How do you do it?



Well, I don't.

Well,

I do, but only after
Al goes to sleep.

You know, to tell
the truth, Marcy,

I don't think Al even knows
that today is our anniversary.

Well, I hope you're not planning

anything special for him.

Of course I am.

I'm getting him the sweat socks

that Michael Jordan
wore in his last game,

signed and unwashed, for $500.

Now, why would you
go to all that trouble

when you know he's
not getting you anything?

Because then I will own him.



I will have something
to lord over him

for the rest of
his hunched-over,

minimum wage-earning,

fat lady-pleasing,
shoe-selling life.

Well, at least you
are going to get

one great anniversary present,

because I am taking
you to one of Chicago's

finest massage and beauty spas.

Antoine's Under the El.

I bought the all-day
soak and poke package.

A massage?

Well, I don't know, Marcy.

You know, I' m not
comfortable taking my clothes off

for total strangers.

They'll be men.

What are we waiting for?

Oh, it took forever
for them to leave.

Yeah, but much like a 'roid,
they come back with a vengeance.

That's one thing I learned from
my first 800 years of marriage.

Well, uh, where'd
you hide Peggy's gift?

In a place she'd
never think to look.

Diamond necklace.

All part of my master plan to
avoid having sex with the wife.

See, first I take
her to Denny's.

She stuffs herself so
full of popcorn shrimp,

she lists to one side.

And just before she's
ready to belch, "I love you,"

I lay this on her.

Between the combination
of shrimp, necklace,

and the NyQuil Mickey I'll
be slipping in her piña colada,

she'll be unconscious,

I'll be home watching
midget wrestling,

and the only hand down
my pants will be my own.

Dad, we got a problem.

We were out walking Buck
when we ran into old Mrs. Stewart.

And she was wearing
her yellow rain slicker,

and I guess Buck must have
thought she was a fire hydrant.

So, in a butt-shell,

here is your cleaning
bill and a court date.

Daddy, what's wrong with Buck?

Well, now, kids, come here.

I never thought I'd be
having this conversation,

because frankly, I didn't
think I'd still be alive on this,

my 40,000th anniversary.

But it's time we
all faced facts.

Buck's getting old.

Is he gonna die?

Yes.

Go play.

[WHIMPERING]

What?

Kelly,

what Father Teresa
is-is trying to say,

is that just because
Buck is getting old,

it doesn't mean that he's
gonna die immediately.

Now, the important thing
is that you just treat him

like any other
member of the family

when they get old and senile.

Oh, you mean steal their food

and mix up their
medicine. [LAUGHS]

I don't want Buck
to get old and senile.

Pumpkin, sweetheart,

let me explain the
aging process to you.

I, too, was a young man.

Oh, no.

Young enough to
score four touchdowns

in a single game.

Then darkness cast her
giant red shadow over the land.

It was

the wife age.

And he thinks I'm getting old.

I never wanted children.

I wanted to just
work on car engines

and make kissing sounds
when women walked by me.

The wife never shared my dream.

I've got to prove to
him that I'm not senile.

I know. I'll bury a bone.

That'll show him.

Now, if I can just find a bone.

[THUD]

Oh, uh, excuse me, madam.

Ah, there's a bone.

Now, to take it
to the back yard.

[THUD]

Will you stop following me?

Twenty-five years?

How can that be?

I was just in high school.

Why? I didn't do anything wrong.

So this is how women who
didn't marry shoe salesmen live.

Ha-ha.

And it only gets better.

We're starting with the
Tibetan sensuous massage

with cactus fronds.

Is that good for you?

Oh, it's great.

It takes off the first
four layers of dead skin.

Well, what if your
skin isn't dead?

It will be.

Mrs. D'Arcy.

Oh...

How lovely to see
you again. Oh, Sven.

This is Peggy.

[LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]

Peggy, Sven is mine.

Chance, your masseur,
will be with you shortly.

Mrs. D'Arcy, are you
prepared to be pricked?

Am I.

Oh, Chance?

No, I'm Dave, I'm straight,
and I run the gift shop.

Hi. I'm Peggy, I'm celibate,

and it's my 25th
wedding anniversary.

Anniversary? No.

I would have thought it
was your 25th birthday.

[LAUGHS]

I'll take five.

I haven't shown
you anything yet.

Oh, yes, you have.

Well, then, why don't
we just step into my office.

Well, I guess I could
do that for a minute.

I'm waiting for my
cactus treatment.

Oh, uh, Peggy,

now, I may be
way out of line here,

but I feel that your
skin is much too delicate

to be subjected to
the cactus smacking.

Now, I have a toner here

than can produce that same
rosy glow without the pain.

And it's only $50.

Mrs. Bundy, I'm
Chance. Your masseur.

Are you ready to join
your friends in pleasure?

[WHIPPING NOISES]

[MARCY SCREAMS]

Hold your fronds, Chance.

Only $50, you say?

You're a bad boy. Bad boy.

Buck, don't you know
you're not supposed to

track mud into the house?

No problem.

Next time, I'll just
fly around the room

until my paws dry on their own.

Kids,

look what Daddy rented for $8.

Did it come with the
matching Urkel glasses?

Laugh all you want.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Shut up.

Now,

with the money I saved,

I was able to buy your mother

this.

A hairy Abba-Zaba?

All right, kids.

Where's your mother's necklace?

KELLY: We don't know, Dad.

I had it in a white box
with a red ribbon around it.

Odd.

I buried a white bone
with a red ribbon around it.

I put it right there
under that cushion.

Uh-oh.

This won't look good
on the old résumé.

Okay, I'll just go dig it up
and put it back where I got it.

How easy is that?

What am I looking for?

[THUD]

Pardon me, sir.

All right, let me explain
something to you kids.

If I don't get that necklace,

then I can't give
it to your mother.

If I can't give it
to your mother,

then I have to give
it to your mother.

And if I have to give
it to your mother,

I'm going to give it to you.

Well, another mystery solved.

I think someone owes
someone else an apology.

Wait a sec, Dad.

Is that the ribbon from the box?

Well, that's the ribbon.

But the necklace is still gone.

I'm going invisible now.

There. I'm invisible.

Uh-oh.

Damn ribbon gave me away.

Dirt-eating mutt.
Buck, you gotta find it.

I knew you were a
bag of bones. Find it.

Whoa, people, one at a time.

You moron, fleabag,
pitiful excuse for a dog.

Where is that necklace?

I don't think he's
gonna tell us, Dad.

Why not?

He's a dog.

Oh, Buck, come on.
Find the necklace, boy.

This is going nowhere.
I look in the dog's eyes,

all I see is the other
side of the yard.

We're just gonna
have to start digging.

Dad, he's not even dead yet.

For the necklace,
you cartoon character.

Okay, let's see what we've got.

The Margaret Chow chin wrap,

the Rosewood paddle fanny toner,

and the Tommy Lee
Jones crater spackle.

Which comes to $300.

But for you, Peggy,

I'm gonna take off 15 percent.

Then add 15 for gratuity,

which brings us to...

Well, let's just
round this off to $300.

How do you people
make any money?

Mrs. Bundy, it's getting late.

It's time for your Mexican
pepper facial and spine pull.

[MARCY GRUNTS]

Very refreshing.

Hey, look. Here's 5 bucks.

Go get yourself some pogs.

Gee, thanks, Mrs. Bundy.

All right, Dave, show me more.

What's in that bag?

Oh, that's just my lun...

New line of cosmetics.

Uh, but it's only
for celebrities.

What's your favorite TV show?

Oprah.

What a coincidence.
Oprah uses this line.

Oh... oh, please,
I must have that.

Oh, and so you shall.

Stupid, useless, meat
by-product of a dog.

You think he could at
least be decent enough

to help the people who love him.

Daddy, don't be mad at him.

I mean, I'm sure he feels
bad in his own sort of way.

[♪♪♪]

Buck, come into the light.

Daddy?

Hey, hey, I think
I hit something.

That's my foot.

No, not that.

This.

What is it?

Well, it's either the fruitcake

that Grandma Wanker
gave us last Christmas,

or it's the black box
from my wedding night.

How pathetic,

a grown man burying
things in the back yard.

Uh, Bud?

Bad dog.

Bad, bad dog.

All right now, kids.

Now, can we focus on my shame?

We've got to find this necklace.

Come on, Buck,
you know where it is.

Just show us what you got, boy.

[♪♪♪]

Buck, come into the light.

It's all goodness and love.

Mommy?

Plum essence eye toner,

the albacore and
mayonnaise pore rejuvenator,

and the Famous Amos facial disk.

She's done.

I feel so wonderful.

So relaxed.

So paralyzed.

You look 20 years younger.

Then I'll live with it.

Peggy, I can't lift
my head any higher,

but I'm sure you look fabulous.

You certainly smell good.

Oh, yeah. That must be
my Baby Ruth body balm.

Shall we go get Al's present?

Can't. I spent all his
money on stuff for me.

[LAUGHS]

But it's no big deal.

Maybe if I don't mention
it, he won't either.

Let's go get dressed.

By the by, Sven.

Will I be able to walk again?

When you look this beautiful,
the world will come to you.

Am I smiling? I
can't feel my face.

Look, Dad.

Dad, we've been
digging for hours.

I don't think we're
gonna find the necklace.

No problem. I've
still got two plans.

Plan A, I drive
to a jewelry store,

steal a necklace,
shoot my way out,

and get back here before
your mom gets home.

[CAR APPROACHING]

Mom's home.

Plan B, I lay down in the
hole, you cover me up with dirt.

What's that?

"Daddy, please
don't kill yourself"?

Oh, well, maybe Peg
forgot about our anniversary.

I mean, it's not a topic
that'd be on Oprah or Geraldo.

I know, maybe if I don't
say anything, she won't.

But if she does, I can count
on you two to kill me, right?

You can count on us, Dad.

Good. Then that's
present enough, for this,

my 1-billionth anniversary.

Uh, hi, Al.

Hi, Peg.

You watching TV?

Yep.

Don't you think you
should turn it on?

Nope.

So, Peg,

what'd you do all day?

Oh, nothing. Went
out with Marcy,

spent a bunch of your money.
You know, same old, same old.

What'd you do today?

Oh, nothing.

Rented a tuxedo,

dug up the yard.

You know, same old, same old.

Isn't it nice to
have an absolutely

nothing-out-of-the-ordinary
kind of day?

Yeah, I was just thinking
the same thing, Peg.

Happy Absolutely Nothing
Out of the Ordinary Day, Peg.

Back at you, Al.

Wanna go upstairs?

Why not? I'm already dirty.

This isn't for anything
special, right?

Oh, no.

I just thought that the best
way to end an absolutely

nothing-out-of-the-ordinary
kind of day,

was by doing absolutely nothing.

I agree, Peg.

I found it. I found
the necklace.

I didn't bury it.

It was in my bowl.

Odd no one spotted it under
the two pieces of Kibble.

Oh, guys?

Guys?

Buck, don't tell me you
forgot our second anniversary.

Forget?

Uh, why no, uh...

uh...

Bibi.

Of course. I, uh...

didn't recognize your face.

I so rarely see this end of you.

Well, did you get me anything?

Did I get you anything?

Oh, Buck.

Oh, it's beautiful.
I'm so happy.

Great. Can I take you to
a toilet, buy you a drink?

[GIGGLES]

Oh, Bucky.

Do you wanna go upstairs?

After you, my dear.

Oh, Bibi. Now I remember.

And they call me senile.

[♪♪♪]