Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 8, Episode 16 - How Green Was My Apple - full transcript
A borderline war between the neighbors over the rights to a fruit tree, with a lesson to be learned somewhere, if only they would stop fighting.
Look at her swinging
back and forth.
The way the
sunlight hits her skin.
I'd sure like to have
that in my mouth.
Al, you are talking
about a stupid apple
swinging from a tree.
You're missing the
point, my little lust buster.
I didn't even know
that was an apple tree.
Wonder why it suddenly
decided to bloom.
I've gotta quit eating out of that
dumpster behind the Mexican restaurant.
Honey, why don't you
just go buy an apple?
Or at least pick
that one. It's ripe.
No, it isn't, Peg.
It says so right here in
Farmer Iggy's Almanac.
"Sow in summer, reap in fall.
Bury your wife when
the wheat gets tall."
Oh, excuse me. That's his
chapter on taters and loaf.
Does it say anything in
there like "plant your barley,
plant your rye, sell a
shoe before you die"?
No, Peg, it doesn't.
You must be confusing that
with Farmer Iggy's wife's book,
The Useless Crones Almanac.
Pumpkin, pumpkin, I
want you to do me a favor.
Go to the hardware store
and get Daddy some smudge pots.
What are smudge pots?
They keep your apples
warm so they don't get frozen.
You call them Marines.
Oh. Okay.
And, son, I have an even
more important job for you.
Go get me 50 pounds of manure.
Oh, and Bud, I need a
jumbo box of tampons.
And don't forget my 'roid cream.
Anybody need anything
embarrassing while I'm at it?
Suppositories!
I was just coming
over to see you.
Um, not right now. I
gotta go somewhere.
Oh, well, can I go with you?
No!
And don't follow me either.
Well, Peg, I guess I'll go outside
and be alone with my apple.
I'll just be here with my Oprah.
You know, I wish my apple
would grow as fast as your Oprah.
My husband pays too
much attention to me.
He's always wanting
sex. What should I do?
Send him over here.
Peg! My apple's gone!
This neighborhood's
going to hell.
First, a double
homicide and now this.
I think there might
be a connection.
I think there's a serial
harvester at work here.
- Oh, Al. Tell me
you're not calling...
- Police!
Well, at least don't
tell them that you're...
Al Bundy here.
I'd like to report
a missing apple.
No! Not some stupid computer.
I'm talking about a fruit.
I know it's not a donut,
but it's important to me.
He's transferring me to
the chief of stolen produce.
Hey, guys.
Hello, who is this?
Lieutenant Granny Smith.
Hey, wait a second. You sound
like that officer Jalopy I talked to
when I called to report
the Dodge missing.
Okay, that's it. I'm
calling the mayor.
Uh, who is the mayor?
McCheese.
Okay, you're in
trouble now, buddy.
I voted for him.
And they say you
can't fight City Hall.
Where'd you get that apple?
Oh, it was in my yard.
Oh, and it tastes even
better than it looks.
Ah, I don't want to
spoil my appetite.
Hey, that was my apple!
Yeah, but it was in my yard.
But it was on my tree!
But the limb was
hanging over my property.
Excuse me. You don't
have any property.
Your wife has property,
some of which is you!
Ha ha ha.
This from a man
who steals our paper,
takes our bottled water,
and eats out of our bird feeder?
Well, I wouldn't do that
if you didn't put out
those tasty pecans.
Jefferson, I was writing
out a check to the workmen
and I found there
was only one check left
where 25 should be.
Ah, did they all look like this?
Yes.
I'll look into it.
Well, since you're both
in a check-writing mood,
I'd like to be
reimbursed for my apple.
Ha ha.
Pay no attention to him.
The fence is on
the property line
and the apple was on
our side of the fence.
You can't go exactly by
where the fence line is.
That fence was just thrown
together with old boards and nails.
Peg, you remember the
slipshod way you built it.
Yes. But at least
the fence stayed up...
which is more than I
can say for the foreman.
And to think I had a stake and
didn't drive it through your heart.
Jefferson, I'm suing
you for damages.
AI, I'm suing you
for mental stress.
- Talk about mental stress?
- Yeah.
How about the night
your shade was up
and I watched your wife undress?
Well, how about us having
to see your son soap himself?
Look, Jefferson.
Bullwinkle, this is
getting you nowhere.
The way to settle a property
line dispute is simple.
Get a survey done.
That's a good idea.
You ask 50 people,
I'll ask 50 people,
and we'll just see who...
Not that kind of
survey, you double-dip.
A property line survey.
Yeah, yeah, then we'll
find out once and for all
who's who and what's what.
Good idea. But I warn you,
when this thing is all
said and done, you sir,
will owe me an
apple and an apology.
And so will your husband.
You know, Al,
that surveyor
really looks familiar.
Now as I said...
when parcel A and parcel
B were divided up originally,
the records were
destroyed by fire.
But we do know that...
The little Partridge boy.
Al, doesn't he look exactly
like Danny Partridge?
Peg, please, there's
an apple at stake here.
He does.
Well, I'm not.
Now, as I was saying,
the Bundy land was
originally Indian land.
Actually, it was
Indian landfill.
It... it's where they threw
their rotting moccasins.
Now, it's because of that
that the real property line
becomes very
irregular and stinky.
So, who does the apple
tree really belong to?
Does it really matter?
The important thing
is that we're neighbors
and we must get along.
Well, in answer
to your question,
the tree belongs to...
the D'Arcys.
Yes! Ha ha ha ha!
Hey, are you sure
that you aren't?
Yes, I'm sure.
I've never been so sure
of anything in my entire life!
Let's go.
Let's go, Danny!
We gotta be in
Pittsburgh by midnight.
Come on, get happy.
You know, I think that
since our fence-line
has never been
challenged before,
the next apple that grows
on that tree should be mine.
Sorry, Al.
You heard what the man said.
You mean to tell me
you're gonna believe
what a crazy surveyor in
a psychedelic bus says?
Look, Al, we agreed to abide
by the results of the survey.
And the survey says
that the tree is ours.
That's right.
What's yourn is yourn
and what's ourn is ourn.
Now, if you'll excuse us,
we have a little apple
celebrating to do.
Adam and Eve style.
I wish there was
something that I could do.
Oh, Al, just forget
about the tree.
Why don't we do something
Adam and Eve style?
That's a good idea, Peg.
Put a fig leaf over your
face and give me back my rib.
Let me help you
off with this, honey.
Ah, well, here's
to our new tree.
What shall we call it?
How about firewood?
Oh...
That's the beauty
of the law, Jefferson.
It makes ownership
specific and unquestioned.
I think that's what our
ancestors had in mind
when they massacred the
Indians and wrote the Bill of Rights.
Al!
Al Bundy, what do
you think you're doing?!
Going blind if you stand up.
Look, Al, this happens
to be a private party,
so we'd appreciate it if
you'd get out of our yard!
But this isn't your yard.
If you had read your
map a little more carefully,
you would have seen that
this property belongs to me.
Welcome to Bundiana!
Ah, he's right.
Our barbecue is
on their property.
Ah, Al, I didn't realize how
much that apple tree meant to you.
It would be wrong
of us to keep it.
So we'll give you your tree back
in exchange for our barbecue.
Tell you what I'll do.
I'll give you part of
your barbecue back.
Peggy Bundy! I would expect
this kind of aboriginal behavior
from the mud people,
but I'm surprised you're out
here supporting this outrage!
Well, I'm really sorry.
But it's not often Al offers
to take us on a family picnic.
No need to apologize,
is there, Marcy?
After all, what's ourn is ourn,
and what's yourn is yourn.
Excuse me, Mom.
Ah, excuse me,
but these are ours.
Not anymore!
Some never were.
Don't worry, dear.
I'll take care of this.
Mm-hm.
Then, when I opened
the bedroom door,
I saw him making love
not only to a woman but a...
What happened? What happened?
Sorry, Peggy,
but your cable line
seems to have passed
through our property.
Al!
They killed Oprah!
Now, look! Look what
you've done to my wife!
Don't you realize
that without cable TV,
she'll wanna talk to me now?
Well, you should
have thought of that
before you stole our barbecue!
Two can play at this game.
Get out of my way,
gluteus minimus!
Hey, hey, hey!
That's our phone line!
It's on my property.
Oh, good, our first customer.
As you can see, this
driveway belongs to us,
but we'll be glad to let you
use it, won't we, Jefferson?
Sure. As long as
he pays the toll.
How much is it?
$1,500.
Exact change, please.
$1,500? Are you crazy?
Who're you calling crazy, punk?
Your wife.
I don't need the
stinking driveway.
I'll drive out through my yard.
I wish they'd hurry
up and fix our cable.
Me, too. I hate nature shows.
How much longer
do we have to watch
the mating habits
of the sea anemone?
Well, at least it's better
than watching
them act out Martin.
I just didn't buy it
when Bud kept saying,
"I gots to have it."
I'll get it.
Hi, I'm the building
code inspector.
Are you the one that called?
I am.
Aren't you...?
No. Don't even ask. I'm not him.
I've never been him. I can't
even stand the little creep.
Now, I understand you wanted
to report an illegal driveway.
Yes, I did, Inspector...
That one right out there.
If you look carefully, you can see
that it's built nowhere near code.
I know, because
I built it myself
out of ground-up women's shoes.
How much is the fine?
Well, since you
turned yourself in,
I think I'll let it go at $100.
I see. And what if I
said I built it that way
just to make you
look like an idiot?
Then that would be $1,500.
And what if we called
you a moron to boot?
$2,000.
Are you sure you're not Gary
Coleman from Diff'rent Strokes?
No, I am not.
Good. I hated that show.
$5,000!
Ah, don't give it to me.
That's not my driveway.
No, see, it belongs to
those people right next door.
But they might not let you in
because the only black person
they respect is Ted Danson.
What you talking about, Bundy?
Ah, hell, now I
have to fine myself.
Al... that was great, Al.
Tune in next week
for another exciting
episode of Cops.
I hate playing the
hairy drug dealer.
Come in, Jefferson.
Ha ha ha...
Good one, Al.
I gotta hand it to you.
You're a formidable adversary.
You've certainly won my respect.
Does that mean I'll get the
use of my driveway back?
Well, we've already
taken the toll booth down.
And I can promise that
you'll never have to worry
about that little
driveway problem again.
Three, two, one!
I guess I should have brought
some extra earmuffs with me.
What?!
So long.
What'd he call me?!
Why would I want any cheese?
I never realized what a turn on
handling heavy
explosives could be.
Well, you came
to the right place.
My pajamas are
filled with dynamite.
- Jefferson!
- Hm?
The earth is moving for me.
Hey, it's moving for me, too.
Damn, I'm good.
You're not this good.
Oh, my God! It's Al!
He's jacking up the house!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
We're even now!
Aah!
Hello, Fred.
Jefferson Darcy.
Say, does your son still
have that rocket launcher?
Well, there's probably a
lesson to be learned from all this,
but I'll be damned
if I know what it is.
Hey, Al...
I've been doing
a lot of thinking
and I've decided to apologize.
We both want to.
Friendship is much more
important than material things.
Oh, you're right, Marcy.
I wanna be friends, too. Al?
We're married, Peg.
We can't be friends.
I... I think she meant
with the D'Arcys, Dad.
Oh. Well, I guess it's all right
to try to mend our friendship.
Dad, they blew out
the wall of our house.
And Bud's room is a mess.
There's rubber body
parts everywhere.
I know, pumpkin.
But all the more reason
we should extend the
hand of forgiveness.
First of all, our
other neighbors
will hear of this grand
gesture and be pleased.
Then other communities will come
to see the D'Arcys
and the Bundys
living side by side in peace.
Then whole cities
will take note.
Then countries.
And who knows, maybe someday,
in a universe far away...
It's on my side!
back and forth.
The way the
sunlight hits her skin.
I'd sure like to have
that in my mouth.
Al, you are talking
about a stupid apple
swinging from a tree.
You're missing the
point, my little lust buster.
I didn't even know
that was an apple tree.
Wonder why it suddenly
decided to bloom.
I've gotta quit eating out of that
dumpster behind the Mexican restaurant.
Honey, why don't you
just go buy an apple?
Or at least pick
that one. It's ripe.
No, it isn't, Peg.
It says so right here in
Farmer Iggy's Almanac.
"Sow in summer, reap in fall.
Bury your wife when
the wheat gets tall."
Oh, excuse me. That's his
chapter on taters and loaf.
Does it say anything in
there like "plant your barley,
plant your rye, sell a
shoe before you die"?
No, Peg, it doesn't.
You must be confusing that
with Farmer Iggy's wife's book,
The Useless Crones Almanac.
Pumpkin, pumpkin, I
want you to do me a favor.
Go to the hardware store
and get Daddy some smudge pots.
What are smudge pots?
They keep your apples
warm so they don't get frozen.
You call them Marines.
Oh. Okay.
And, son, I have an even
more important job for you.
Go get me 50 pounds of manure.
Oh, and Bud, I need a
jumbo box of tampons.
And don't forget my 'roid cream.
Anybody need anything
embarrassing while I'm at it?
Suppositories!
I was just coming
over to see you.
Um, not right now. I
gotta go somewhere.
Oh, well, can I go with you?
No!
And don't follow me either.
Well, Peg, I guess I'll go outside
and be alone with my apple.
I'll just be here with my Oprah.
You know, I wish my apple
would grow as fast as your Oprah.
My husband pays too
much attention to me.
He's always wanting
sex. What should I do?
Send him over here.
Peg! My apple's gone!
This neighborhood's
going to hell.
First, a double
homicide and now this.
I think there might
be a connection.
I think there's a serial
harvester at work here.
- Oh, Al. Tell me
you're not calling...
- Police!
Well, at least don't
tell them that you're...
Al Bundy here.
I'd like to report
a missing apple.
No! Not some stupid computer.
I'm talking about a fruit.
I know it's not a donut,
but it's important to me.
He's transferring me to
the chief of stolen produce.
Hey, guys.
Hello, who is this?
Lieutenant Granny Smith.
Hey, wait a second. You sound
like that officer Jalopy I talked to
when I called to report
the Dodge missing.
Okay, that's it. I'm
calling the mayor.
Uh, who is the mayor?
McCheese.
Okay, you're in
trouble now, buddy.
I voted for him.
And they say you
can't fight City Hall.
Where'd you get that apple?
Oh, it was in my yard.
Oh, and it tastes even
better than it looks.
Ah, I don't want to
spoil my appetite.
Hey, that was my apple!
Yeah, but it was in my yard.
But it was on my tree!
But the limb was
hanging over my property.
Excuse me. You don't
have any property.
Your wife has property,
some of which is you!
Ha ha ha.
This from a man
who steals our paper,
takes our bottled water,
and eats out of our bird feeder?
Well, I wouldn't do that
if you didn't put out
those tasty pecans.
Jefferson, I was writing
out a check to the workmen
and I found there
was only one check left
where 25 should be.
Ah, did they all look like this?
Yes.
I'll look into it.
Well, since you're both
in a check-writing mood,
I'd like to be
reimbursed for my apple.
Ha ha.
Pay no attention to him.
The fence is on
the property line
and the apple was on
our side of the fence.
You can't go exactly by
where the fence line is.
That fence was just thrown
together with old boards and nails.
Peg, you remember the
slipshod way you built it.
Yes. But at least
the fence stayed up...
which is more than I
can say for the foreman.
And to think I had a stake and
didn't drive it through your heart.
Jefferson, I'm suing
you for damages.
AI, I'm suing you
for mental stress.
- Talk about mental stress?
- Yeah.
How about the night
your shade was up
and I watched your wife undress?
Well, how about us having
to see your son soap himself?
Look, Jefferson.
Bullwinkle, this is
getting you nowhere.
The way to settle a property
line dispute is simple.
Get a survey done.
That's a good idea.
You ask 50 people,
I'll ask 50 people,
and we'll just see who...
Not that kind of
survey, you double-dip.
A property line survey.
Yeah, yeah, then we'll
find out once and for all
who's who and what's what.
Good idea. But I warn you,
when this thing is all
said and done, you sir,
will owe me an
apple and an apology.
And so will your husband.
You know, Al,
that surveyor
really looks familiar.
Now as I said...
when parcel A and parcel
B were divided up originally,
the records were
destroyed by fire.
But we do know that...
The little Partridge boy.
Al, doesn't he look exactly
like Danny Partridge?
Peg, please, there's
an apple at stake here.
He does.
Well, I'm not.
Now, as I was saying,
the Bundy land was
originally Indian land.
Actually, it was
Indian landfill.
It... it's where they threw
their rotting moccasins.
Now, it's because of that
that the real property line
becomes very
irregular and stinky.
So, who does the apple
tree really belong to?
Does it really matter?
The important thing
is that we're neighbors
and we must get along.
Well, in answer
to your question,
the tree belongs to...
the D'Arcys.
Yes! Ha ha ha ha!
Hey, are you sure
that you aren't?
Yes, I'm sure.
I've never been so sure
of anything in my entire life!
Let's go.
Let's go, Danny!
We gotta be in
Pittsburgh by midnight.
Come on, get happy.
You know, I think that
since our fence-line
has never been
challenged before,
the next apple that grows
on that tree should be mine.
Sorry, Al.
You heard what the man said.
You mean to tell me
you're gonna believe
what a crazy surveyor in
a psychedelic bus says?
Look, Al, we agreed to abide
by the results of the survey.
And the survey says
that the tree is ours.
That's right.
What's yourn is yourn
and what's ourn is ourn.
Now, if you'll excuse us,
we have a little apple
celebrating to do.
Adam and Eve style.
I wish there was
something that I could do.
Oh, Al, just forget
about the tree.
Why don't we do something
Adam and Eve style?
That's a good idea, Peg.
Put a fig leaf over your
face and give me back my rib.
Let me help you
off with this, honey.
Ah, well, here's
to our new tree.
What shall we call it?
How about firewood?
Oh...
That's the beauty
of the law, Jefferson.
It makes ownership
specific and unquestioned.
I think that's what our
ancestors had in mind
when they massacred the
Indians and wrote the Bill of Rights.
Al!
Al Bundy, what do
you think you're doing?!
Going blind if you stand up.
Look, Al, this happens
to be a private party,
so we'd appreciate it if
you'd get out of our yard!
But this isn't your yard.
If you had read your
map a little more carefully,
you would have seen that
this property belongs to me.
Welcome to Bundiana!
Ah, he's right.
Our barbecue is
on their property.
Ah, Al, I didn't realize how
much that apple tree meant to you.
It would be wrong
of us to keep it.
So we'll give you your tree back
in exchange for our barbecue.
Tell you what I'll do.
I'll give you part of
your barbecue back.
Peggy Bundy! I would expect
this kind of aboriginal behavior
from the mud people,
but I'm surprised you're out
here supporting this outrage!
Well, I'm really sorry.
But it's not often Al offers
to take us on a family picnic.
No need to apologize,
is there, Marcy?
After all, what's ourn is ourn,
and what's yourn is yourn.
Excuse me, Mom.
Ah, excuse me,
but these are ours.
Not anymore!
Some never were.
Don't worry, dear.
I'll take care of this.
Mm-hm.
Then, when I opened
the bedroom door,
I saw him making love
not only to a woman but a...
What happened? What happened?
Sorry, Peggy,
but your cable line
seems to have passed
through our property.
Al!
They killed Oprah!
Now, look! Look what
you've done to my wife!
Don't you realize
that without cable TV,
she'll wanna talk to me now?
Well, you should
have thought of that
before you stole our barbecue!
Two can play at this game.
Get out of my way,
gluteus minimus!
Hey, hey, hey!
That's our phone line!
It's on my property.
Oh, good, our first customer.
As you can see, this
driveway belongs to us,
but we'll be glad to let you
use it, won't we, Jefferson?
Sure. As long as
he pays the toll.
How much is it?
$1,500.
Exact change, please.
$1,500? Are you crazy?
Who're you calling crazy, punk?
Your wife.
I don't need the
stinking driveway.
I'll drive out through my yard.
I wish they'd hurry
up and fix our cable.
Me, too. I hate nature shows.
How much longer
do we have to watch
the mating habits
of the sea anemone?
Well, at least it's better
than watching
them act out Martin.
I just didn't buy it
when Bud kept saying,
"I gots to have it."
I'll get it.
Hi, I'm the building
code inspector.
Are you the one that called?
I am.
Aren't you...?
No. Don't even ask. I'm not him.
I've never been him. I can't
even stand the little creep.
Now, I understand you wanted
to report an illegal driveway.
Yes, I did, Inspector...
That one right out there.
If you look carefully, you can see
that it's built nowhere near code.
I know, because
I built it myself
out of ground-up women's shoes.
How much is the fine?
Well, since you
turned yourself in,
I think I'll let it go at $100.
I see. And what if I
said I built it that way
just to make you
look like an idiot?
Then that would be $1,500.
And what if we called
you a moron to boot?
$2,000.
Are you sure you're not Gary
Coleman from Diff'rent Strokes?
No, I am not.
Good. I hated that show.
$5,000!
Ah, don't give it to me.
That's not my driveway.
No, see, it belongs to
those people right next door.
But they might not let you in
because the only black person
they respect is Ted Danson.
What you talking about, Bundy?
Ah, hell, now I
have to fine myself.
Al... that was great, Al.
Tune in next week
for another exciting
episode of Cops.
I hate playing the
hairy drug dealer.
Come in, Jefferson.
Ha ha ha...
Good one, Al.
I gotta hand it to you.
You're a formidable adversary.
You've certainly won my respect.
Does that mean I'll get the
use of my driveway back?
Well, we've already
taken the toll booth down.
And I can promise that
you'll never have to worry
about that little
driveway problem again.
Three, two, one!
I guess I should have brought
some extra earmuffs with me.
What?!
So long.
What'd he call me?!
Why would I want any cheese?
I never realized what a turn on
handling heavy
explosives could be.
Well, you came
to the right place.
My pajamas are
filled with dynamite.
- Jefferson!
- Hm?
The earth is moving for me.
Hey, it's moving for me, too.
Damn, I'm good.
You're not this good.
Oh, my God! It's Al!
He's jacking up the house!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
We're even now!
Aah!
Hello, Fred.
Jefferson Darcy.
Say, does your son still
have that rocket launcher?
Well, there's probably a
lesson to be learned from all this,
but I'll be damned
if I know what it is.
Hey, Al...
I've been doing
a lot of thinking
and I've decided to apologize.
We both want to.
Friendship is much more
important than material things.
Oh, you're right, Marcy.
I wanna be friends, too. Al?
We're married, Peg.
We can't be friends.
I... I think she meant
with the D'Arcys, Dad.
Oh. Well, I guess it's all right
to try to mend our friendship.
Dad, they blew out
the wall of our house.
And Bud's room is a mess.
There's rubber body
parts everywhere.
I know, pumpkin.
But all the more reason
we should extend the
hand of forgiveness.
First of all, our
other neighbors
will hear of this grand
gesture and be pleased.
Then other communities will come
to see the D'Arcys
and the Bundys
living side by side in peace.
Then whole cities
will take note.
Then countries.
And who knows, maybe someday,
in a universe far away...
It's on my side!