Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 8, Episode 15 - Honey, I Blew Up Myself - full transcript

On Al's 45th birthday, Peggy decides to give him a sexy photo of herself to hang in the shoe store. But the photographer decides to hang it in a huge blow up version of the same photo on a giant billboard in the mall outside the store. Naturally, this cannot be tolerated so Al enlists the help of Marcy's feminist group FANG (Feminists Against Neanderthal Guys), NO MA'AM's rival counterpart, to destroy the offending image. Meanwhile, Kelly and Bud can't seem to get the right gift for Al.

Okay, Enid, work with me here.

Pull it in.

Pull in your talons.

We're almost there.

See? I told you I was a four.

No, ma'am.

"Fore" is what
you'll have to yell

when the shoe
pops off your foot.

Now...

Are we finished here?

Well, I'm not sure I
like this shade of blue.



I'll tell you what I'll do then.

We'll stand you
in front of a mirror,

I'll begin strangling you.

When you reach the shade of blue

that is satisfactory to you,

you yell "moo" and I'll stop.

That's it. I'm taking
my business elsewhere.

May I suggest Jenny Craig?

So how much do you figure

you owe this store
in commissions?

I'm not selling shoes
for the money, Aaron.

I'm in it to torture fat women.

Where have you been?

To buy you a birthday present.



Ah.

Here.

It's Hot Dog, the movie.

I'd prefer hot dog, the hot dog.

Well, that's due back
at 10:00 A.M. tomorrow.

Yeah, I know how it feels.

At least you didn't
sing "Happy Birthday."

I hate that. Nothing to do
but stand there like an idiot

till the damn thing is finished.

I hope I get through the day without
someone singing "Happy Birthday" to me.

♪ Happy Birthday ♪

♪ To you ♪

♪ Happy Birthday ♪

♪ To you ♪

♪ Happy Birthday, dear Al ♪

♪ Hap-p-p-py Birthday ♪

♪ To you ♪

- Hey, Aaron.
- Hi, Mr. D'Arcy.

Anyway, Marcy and I just wanted
to wish you many happy returns.

Actually, Marcy wanted to wish

that you get caught downwind
from your own feet and die.

But I wanted to wish
you many happy returns.

Well, thanks, Jefferson.

Oh, and if you see
the wife, floor it.

Here you are, buddy.
Happy birthday.

What's this?

It's a car wash coupon.

Well, thanks, Jefferson,

but you know they won't let me

go through the car
wash in the Dodge.

Not a regular wash, Al.

This is a topless car wash.

"Soapy Headlights,

where only the cars wear bras."

And it's conveniently located

just 70 miles out of town...

at the end of a long dirt road.

But I don't understand.

Both of you guys are married.

Can't you just look
at your wives topless?

Have you seen his wife?

Aaron, let me explain
something to you.

When you've been
married as long as I have,

you do not want to
see your wife topless.

Speechless, maybe.

Headless, naturally.

But never, ever topless.

Come on, Al. Marcy's car
could use a good buffing...

as could I.

Come on, let's go now.

Nah, I can't.

I promised I'd go home
for my birthday party.

Of course, that's where the kids are
gonna give me a lot of godawful presents.

Sometimes I think that there
actually might be a store out there

with presents just for me
that's named godawful.

And then the topper is,

Peg's probably gonna make
me a cake, as only she can.

Mmm, cake looks good this year.

What kind is it?

Well, it's either chocolate
or Uncle Ben's Minute Rice.

Now do we have any candles?

Nope. Dad said no candles
this year, because of...

last year's little mishap.

Hey, I just thought that
Roman candles meant

that they were imported.

You know, from Romani.

It's amazing.

Dad's looks and Buck's brains.

At least I've
never tried to date

one of my plastic toys.

So what did you get
Dad this year, Mom?

Well, I was in the
mall and there it was.

There's this new photography
studio called Sex You Up,

and they specialize
in boudoir photos.

You know, where they
like lay you on a bed

and dress you up real sexy?

Oh, you mean like the picture

on Kelly's driver's license.

That may be,

but I've never gotten
a ticket, now have I?

Gee, I hope I
did the right thing.

You know, he said what he
really wanted was an oil filter.

But what's he gonna do with
a silly thing like an oil filter?

Daddy's home.

Oh!

Is it him?

I can't tell. It's either...

It's either Daddy or
there's a new Pope.

♪ Happy Bir... ♪

Shut up!

Well, let's get this
charade over with.

Where's my cardboard cake?

It's over on the table, Dad.

Anybody wanna light the dog?

I'll make a wish.

No, Wait, Daddy,

you gotta open
your presents first.

God-awful! I knew it.

I really think you're
gonna love this, Daddy.

Happy Birthday, Dad.

Two of something I don't want.

That's the second
time that's happened.

Well, we can exchange
them for you, Dad.

Okay, but I don't know
what good it's gonna do.

Here.

Excuse us.

We can't be related.

So, what did you get
me this year, Peg?

My usual
get-out-of-sex free card?

No, honey.

This year I got you
something really special.

Now, I'm a little
nervous about this.

Happy birthday, Al.

Oh, Peg!

You like it?

I love it.

Who is she?

It's me.

Now come on, honey.

Tell me what you really think.

Well, I...

I think you look...

Nice.

Oh, Al.

Oh, Peg, please don't
touch me on my birthday.

Now I want you to take
this to work with you

and hang it up,

so I can be with
you all day long.

Ah, that kinda
defeats the purpose

of going to work, doesn't it?

No more than your paycheck does.

Oh, I'm just kidding,
you big birthday lug, you.

Now I'm gonna
put this right here,

so you can remember
to take it with you.

I'm not taking it!
It's my birthday.

I'm putting my foot down.

So what's wrong with it?

I think she looks...

nice.

It's not the point.

You know why women want
men to hang up their pictures?

So we appreciate...

No!

It's to mark their territory.

Are you sure the reason you
don't want that picture up there

is so other guys can't
see how good she looks?

Oh, yeah, that's it.

You see, Aaron, I've been
married to Peg for over 20 years.

I've seen her from the front.

I've seen her from the back.

I've seen her in a chair.

I've seen her in a sack.

I've seen her stand.
I've seen her crouch.

I've seen her on
our stupid couch.

I do not like her in the mall.

I do not like her in the hall.

I do not like her in my life.

I do not like my big red wife.

Listen, kid, you're single.
You don't understand.

See, married men are
never jealous of their wives.

That picture could
be up all over town.

Wouldn't mean a
hill of beans to me.

They could put it on
the side of a milk carton.

They could put it on the
side of the Sears Tower.

They could even
put it on the side of...

Great Caesar's ghost!

I'd do her.

Oh, you're a guy
with high standards.

You do Marcy.

Jefferson, I gotta get
them to get that sign down.

- How come?
- He's jealous.

I am not jealous! I just
respect other men's rights

not to turn to stone
in front of my store.

That's all. Jefferson, will
you stop leering at my wife?!

Sorry.

Listen, you're good at
talking people into things.

You talked Marcy into believing
you married her for her looks.

Go to that photographer

and get him to
take that sign down.

Hey, maybe I can get
him to replace it with this.

A picture I took of the girls

at the topless car wash.

Where's your car?

Oh, I took the bus over there.

As long as I went "vvroom
vvroom vvroom" as I went through it,

they didn't seem to
know the difference.

Aaron, Aaron,
it's very important

that sign comes down
before Peg sees it.

What I want you to do is
go outside to look for her

and yell when you see her.

- Ah!
- No, not her picture!

Not her picture, her!

Ah!

Hi, Al. Did you see it?

Yes, Peg, I saw it.

Ray Charles would see it.

But why is it up there?

The photographer asked if
he could use one of my shots

to advertise his business.

I just didn't think he
was gonna make it that...

Shamu-lian?

Well, I was gonna say gorgeous.

Kids, what do you think?

Well, I think you look... nice.

You could see her from space.

You would know.

Dad, we'd love to hang around

and share your...
proudest moment,

but anything just came
up and we gotta go.

Oh, wait.

Before we do, we
just want to apologize

for yesterday's little
birthday boo-boo.

It's all fixed now.

Here you go.

Kids, come here.

Come here.

Ah!

Get out.

Bye, Dad.

Happy birthday.

Now, Peg, I haven't
asked for much,

and God knows I've gotten it.

But I really think the
picture oughta come down.

Now I like it myself,

but some people have
been complaining about it.

Excuse me, Miss.

Hope you don't think
I'm being too forward,

but you are truly one of
the most beautiful women

I have ever seen.

And now that I
see you in person,

that photograph
doesn't do you justice.

It's been a pleasure to
bask in your presence.

Good day.

See, Peg, I told you that
people were complaining.

You know what I think, Al?

I think you're jealous.

Jealous, Peg?

I'll tell you what
I'm jealous of.

I'm jealous of any man who
can come home after work

to a cold beer and a warm meal

and a wife somewhat smaller
than the Bullwinkle balloon

in the Macy's Day Parade!

But if you think for one second

that I'm jealous
of that picture,

you're out of your
nine-foot mind!

Boy, I'd love to
put the top down

and test drive
that for a weekend.

Yeah, nice airbags, too.

Excuse me, Peg.

Now that we have this
jealousy garbage out of the way,

that picture comes down.

Aaron, get me a blow torch.

Only if you'll admit
that you're jealous.

I'm not jealous!

Fine. Then you
won't mind if it stays.

Well, if it doesn't bother
you, it doesn't bother me...

other than a low-grade nausea.

All right then.

I'll be seeing you.

And you'll certainly
be seeing me.

Why can't you ever
say nice things like that?

Mr. Bundy, why don't
you just tell your wife

you're jealous and
get it over with?

Aaron, let me explain
something to you.

You don't know anything.

Even if a man is jealous,

he can never, ever
tell that to a woman.

Well, that's like saying,

"Here. Here's a hand
grenade. Put it down my pants."

Once they know you're jealous,

they've got you by your Bobbitt.

You will have lost your
last ounce of dignity,

And like the once
mighty mahi-mahi,

you will end up
on a pu-u platter

in the tiki hut of life.

Any questions?

Do you want to lay
down for a while?

No! I don't have
time to lie down.

Gotta get that picture down.

I know Jefferson can do it.

He can con anybody.

Hey, Al, guess what?

The sex-you-up photographer

said I've got the best
set of cheekbones

this side of Rob and
Fab of Milli Vanilli.

He's giving me 1,000
headshots for half-price,

and I'm not giving
any of 'em away.

I know now what I have to do.

Truly go where no
man has gone before.

Fellow FANG-sters,

I come before you this evening

not as a man...

but as a friend

who understands the
plight of today's feminist.

True, we have had our
differences in the past.

But I have seen the light,

and luckily there's
not too much in here.

But to prove to you
that I have changed,

l would like to extend
an olive branch of peace,

a symbol of truce.

You ladies would recognize
them as moustache combs.

Everyone gets one.

Everyone.

Anyway, ladies.

We prefer to be
called Gyno-Americans.

The rhino Americans it is.

Anyway, a grave injustice

has been going on down
at the New Market Mall.

A real woman's body
is being exploited

by men for profit.

Hang on to your flannel panties.

There's still time to act.

I want every
"gynoseros" in this room...

to charge down to
the New Market Mall

and stop this dastardly deed.

Show them, as only you can,

that a woman's body
is not to be appreciated,

but to be feared, reviled...

and in the case of most of you,

kept totally
covered at all times.

Hurry, my sisters,
down to the mall,

but remember,

not more than three in
the elevator at one time.

What our hunting and
gathering friend here

is trying to say is that we
have important work to do.

We must strike a blow...

for all women.

This cannot be a slap...

on the wrist.

It must be a punch...

in the labonza
to all oppressors.

And thank you for bringing
this to our attention, Al.

You're welcome.

Skin him.

And in other news,

crazed feminists charged
the New Market Mall

and pulled down an
oversized boudoir photo

they deemed sexist.

After storming into a
photographer's studio,

where a local man,
Jefferson D'Arcy,

was allegedly posing
nude on a bear skin rug.

Mr. D'Arcy was dragged
by an unnamed body part

and flung into the mall
fountain by the howling women.

Women. Can't live with 'em,
can't herd 'em all into Canada.

Al, did you have anything to do

with those women
taking down my picture?

Peg, on your mother's life, no.

If it's anything I hate,

it's women's bodies
being exploited.

It has to stop
for all our sakes.

How very liberated of you.

Where you going?

To get the car washed.

Dad?

Happy birthday.

Let me guess.

Pants.

Like these?

I told you he had pants.

You didn't tell me he
had green ones like that.

Yes, I have seen
him wear pants before.