Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 8, Episode 17 - Valentine's Day Massacre - full transcript
Al battles other husbands at a store for last-minute Valentine's Day shoppers. Meanwhile, Bud gets physically and sexually abused when trying to find in a hotel his long-lost valentine girl, who is now a famous pop star.
Hey, Mom. What ya doing?
Oh, I'm just looking
through the valentines
I've gotten from your
father over the years.
He was really quite
the romantic in his day.
"I like coffee. I like
tea. I like you. I like me."
Ha ha ha.
Ohh... He was
really stuck on us.
Oh... here's something
you don't see every day.
What? A valentine for Bud?
Yes.
Oh, wow.
It's never even been opened.
Well, hold it up to the
light. See who it's from.
Oh, good idea.
Bernice Winchester.
Hey, I remember this.
Bernice gave it to me, and I
was supposed to give it to Bud.
When?
Six years ago.
Well, you can just
give it to him today.
Unless he's gotten
some new ones.
Well, we'll know soon.
I think I hear him
checking the mailbox now.
Damn you!
Damn you all!
Damn the whole damned world!
I'll give it to him today.
I take it there's no mail.
Well, actually, you got
a Valentine's Day card.
Yeah, right.
Bud, there really is
a card here for you.
Really, Mommy? Really?
It's not another
one from Grandma?
Or Buck?
Hmm? What? Dinner?
No? Okay.
Listen, before you open it,
there's something I should tell you.
I was supposed to give
this to you six years ago.
But I forgot... because quite
frankly, you repulsed me.
Come on, Bud, it's just
a stupid Valentine's card.
It's not like you missed out on
some once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
"Dearest Bud...
"This is a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity.
"My parents won't
be home tonight
"and I need you
more than anything.
"Please don't stand me
up. It would destroy me.
Love, Bernice Winchester."
Kelly?
Do you know who
Bernice Winchester is?
Yeah. She's a girl we went
to school with who liked you,
and coincidentally got kicked
in the head a lot during soccer.
Not quite, Miss
Festival Seating.
For your information,
Bernice Winchester
is now Crystal Brooks.
Crystal Brooks, the pop star?
And she likes our Bud?
I mean, of course
she likes our Bud.
Who wouldn't? Bud sizzles.
I'm gonna find Crystal.
I'm gonna find her and
tell her I never got her card.
Peg, something weird's goin' on.
Daughters are going wild,
men are openly weeping,
and women are storing
chocolate in their cheeks.
Is it winter?
Al, do you know
what day it is today?
Well, sure I do.
It's... it's our anniversary.
It's Valentine's Day.
I take it you got me nothing.
Ah, come on, Peg,
I knew it was Valentine's Day.
I got you something right here.
I got you this here dollar.
Now this dollar is a
special dollar, Peg...
because if you see, the
serial number ends in a...
"D"..."D" means...
Happy Valentine's Day.
Day, Peg.
You stink, Al.
St-ink.
It's the smell of fear, Peg.
Come on, honey.
You were so romantic
in high school.
Why, just look at this.
"I love your hooters.
I love your ass.
What say we meet after class?"
I was the silver-tongued
devil, wasn't I?
I want you to be
like that again.
Well, Peg, I want you
to be like that again.
- Oh, never mind!
- Now, what's the matter, Peg?
- I want romance.
- Well, what is romance?
You figure it out!
That takes me back
to the honeymoon.
Don't tell me what's romantic.
I know what's romantic.
Kelly, what's romantic?
Daddy, you know.
Women like candy
and flowers and cards...
not the kind with some
naked fat chick on it going,
"I know it's around
here somewhere."
I like that one.
Daddy, it's Valentine's Day.
Women like men to
be sweet and sensitive.
Whoa, babe, your
knobs look huge!
You ready?
Yes, and don't call me "babe."
Daddy, this is my
Valentine's date, Mayhem.
Charmed.
Bye.
Oh, to be young and free...
Ah, what the hell.
I'm good-looking and kept, ha!
Oh, Jefferson, you Judas.
You knew the beast of
all holidays was upon us.
Now where can I go get
some Valentine Day crap?
Look, Al, it's 7:30
on Valentine's Day.
The malls are picked clean.
- Hey, Mr. D'Arcy.
- Hey, Bud.
Dad, you tell Kelly I
found Crystal Brooks.
She's performing here in town
and she's staying
at the Emperor Hotel.
I'm gonna go see her
and set things straight.
Ha ha, witchy woman, bite me.
Did you get that?
Ah, yeah.
He wants Emperor
Crystal to bite him.
Anyway, look, Al,
here's what you better do.
You better get thee
to the Valentine store.
Good idea.
What's a Valentine store?
Well, it's a specialty shop
that caters to rogue
husbands like you.
It's a little more expensive.
Their motto is, "You're so
desperate, we don't need a motto."
Ha ha.
Well, next time, you ought to
think and shop ahead like me.
Good day.
Good day, my good man.
Uh, would you be so kind
as to tell Miss Brooks that...
Bud Bundy is here at last?
Here at last.
Thank God Almighty,
he's here at last.
Well, I see someone's "Hooked
On Phonics" tape was lost in the mail.
No problem.
You tell Miss Brooks
that Bud is here,
and there's a cool
nickel in it for ya.
Now what do you say?
Aah!
Hello again, my good man.
I think perhaps you
mistook me for...
either one of Miss Brook"
eager young groupies...
or something made by Wham-O.
Now, if you'll notice
I have here a handwritten
card from our Miss Brooks
which should prove
beyond a doubt,
not only do I know her,
but at one time, I could
have even boinked her.
Now...
you have three
seconds to announce me.
It's Bud Bundy.
Aaah!
Oh!
I have here this last box
of twelve bite-size
assorted chocolates!
Oooh!
The opening bid is $25.
Get a move on,
Omar, it's after 9:00.
In that case, the
opening bid is $35.
Thirty-five dollars!
Do I hear $45?
Forty-five.
Fifty-five.
Do I hear $65?
Sixty-five.
Seventy-five!
Do I hear $85?
I'll go...
Sold to the... shoe salesman?
Yes.
For $75.
I won! I won!
I bought chocolates for $75.
Gimme.
Oh!
Okay, Sasquatch...
It's check-out time.
Oh, good. They sent
a cute one this time.
Huh? What?
Oh, for the love of God, no! No!
Help me!
Mommy!!!
Now serving number 2009.
That's mine!
I'd like... one dozen red roses.
One bouquet of wallet breakers.
Okay, sir, now how
do you intend to pay?
Cash, check or
deed to your house?
Do you take blood?
What can I get for 50 bucks?
Now I know how Tom Arnold feels.
Well, it's about
time you got here.
You must walk my Winky.
I'm not your bellhop.
You can walk your own Winky.
Pay you $50.
Here, Winky. Here, boy.
Aah!
Whoa, whoa! Whoa!
Whoa, Winky!
Aah!
This is a good hotel.
Oh! Oh!
Mommy!!!
Hi there.
It's me.
Bud Bundy.
Well, I guess you
don't recognize me
'cause I bulked up a little
since the last time you saw me.
Let me refresh your memory.
Six years ago, you sent
me a touching Valentine,
which I never
received until today.
Now, I know we
can never be lovers.
Look, if it's any
consolation at all,
I would have
come over that night
and we would have made
beautiful, passionate...
hot monkey love.
Crystal, someone's
here to see you.
Hi there.
It's me, Bud Bundy.
I guess you don't
recognize me...
I heard you, Bud.
That was a long time ago.
I've moved on.
Well, so have I.
I've had plenty of
women in my life, too.
Just five minutes ago I had...
group sex.
Look, I just came to apologize.
I guess there's
nothing else to say.
Good luck with your career.
I'm going to college myself...
unlike people who
go to college together.
No chance on that lover thing?
Sorry.
I guess I'll see ya, huh?
Don't bother. I'll
throw myself out.
Whoo-hoo.
Well, right behind you.
Oh, so what if Al
forgot Valentine's Day?
He's not an elephant.
He's a pig.
Besides, Valentine's
Day is degrading.
It's just another
commercial holiday
made up by Merlin Olsen
and the Hershey candy mob
to fatten their
wallets on our guilt.
It's just disgusting.
Is Jefferson getting
you anything?
If he knows what's good for him.
Well, I would have
gotten him something, too,
but I seem to have
misplaced my credit card.
Happy Valentine's Day, honey.
Oh, Jefferson.
A crystal penguin.
It's beautiful.
Must have cost a fortune.
Hey, price means nothing to me.
Say, uh, isn't that
your credit card?
Why, yes!
Oh, this is my lucky day!
Now, let's go home, honey,
because I have a special
Valentine treat for you, too.
Ah, what's that?
Well, that all depends on whether or not
this bird was charged to my credit card.
Marcy, it's not me, it's the
voices! They compel me!
Kelly, I thought you
were out with Maytag.
Mayhem.
He was my 8:00 date.
My real date's Pin Worm.
He's picking me up at 11:00.
Well, if he makes bail.
Happy...
What is it?
Valentine's Day.
Valentine's Day.
Here's your...
here's your candy,
here's your card...
and if you get this in
the ground by spring...
here's your flowers.
Bean sprouts.
- Oh, Al, you're wonderful.
- Ha ha...
Ah, you're a little slice
of heaven yourself.
Can I go now, Peg?
Oh, let's go upstairs together.
What? No, wait. We had a deal.
No sex.
That was on Easter.
- Well, what's this?
- Valentine's.
Oh, Peg!
Hey, Bud. What
happened with Crystal?
Well, I apologized.
She understood,
and then her bodyguard
skee-balled me
the entire length
of the building.
I did, however, meet a
lovely woman named Rita.
And I learned something.
In space...
no one really can
hear you scream.
Good night.
Bud, I'm really sorry.
Listen, if anyone ever gives
me a love note for you again,
I promise I'll deliver it, okay?
You're not just saying that
'cause you know
I'll never get one?
- Kelly?
- Hmm?
- I'm Crystal Brooks.
- Oh, hi.
- Is Bud here?
- Yeah. Do you want me
to get him?
No. I've gotta
get to my concert.
Howie Mandel opens for me,
and the crowd
hates it when I'm late.
Would you please
give him this message?
Tell him to meet me at
the hotel after the concert.
- Okay.
- Please.
Don't worry. I will.
If he stands me up
this time, he's had it.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Hey, Bud!
- Yeah?
Whoa, babe, your
butt looks bitchen.
You ready?
Yeah... Wait.
There's something I
was supposed to do.
Oh, my coat.
I would forget my head
if it wasn't attached to...
well, I forgot what
it was attached to.
Let's go.
Oh, I'm just looking
through the valentines
I've gotten from your
father over the years.
He was really quite
the romantic in his day.
"I like coffee. I like
tea. I like you. I like me."
Ha ha ha.
Ohh... He was
really stuck on us.
Oh... here's something
you don't see every day.
What? A valentine for Bud?
Yes.
Oh, wow.
It's never even been opened.
Well, hold it up to the
light. See who it's from.
Oh, good idea.
Bernice Winchester.
Hey, I remember this.
Bernice gave it to me, and I
was supposed to give it to Bud.
When?
Six years ago.
Well, you can just
give it to him today.
Unless he's gotten
some new ones.
Well, we'll know soon.
I think I hear him
checking the mailbox now.
Damn you!
Damn you all!
Damn the whole damned world!
I'll give it to him today.
I take it there's no mail.
Well, actually, you got
a Valentine's Day card.
Yeah, right.
Bud, there really is
a card here for you.
Really, Mommy? Really?
It's not another
one from Grandma?
Or Buck?
Hmm? What? Dinner?
No? Okay.
Listen, before you open it,
there's something I should tell you.
I was supposed to give
this to you six years ago.
But I forgot... because quite
frankly, you repulsed me.
Come on, Bud, it's just
a stupid Valentine's card.
It's not like you missed out on
some once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
"Dearest Bud...
"This is a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity.
"My parents won't
be home tonight
"and I need you
more than anything.
"Please don't stand me
up. It would destroy me.
Love, Bernice Winchester."
Kelly?
Do you know who
Bernice Winchester is?
Yeah. She's a girl we went
to school with who liked you,
and coincidentally got kicked
in the head a lot during soccer.
Not quite, Miss
Festival Seating.
For your information,
Bernice Winchester
is now Crystal Brooks.
Crystal Brooks, the pop star?
And she likes our Bud?
I mean, of course
she likes our Bud.
Who wouldn't? Bud sizzles.
I'm gonna find Crystal.
I'm gonna find her and
tell her I never got her card.
Peg, something weird's goin' on.
Daughters are going wild,
men are openly weeping,
and women are storing
chocolate in their cheeks.
Is it winter?
Al, do you know
what day it is today?
Well, sure I do.
It's... it's our anniversary.
It's Valentine's Day.
I take it you got me nothing.
Ah, come on, Peg,
I knew it was Valentine's Day.
I got you something right here.
I got you this here dollar.
Now this dollar is a
special dollar, Peg...
because if you see, the
serial number ends in a...
"D"..."D" means...
Happy Valentine's Day.
Day, Peg.
You stink, Al.
St-ink.
It's the smell of fear, Peg.
Come on, honey.
You were so romantic
in high school.
Why, just look at this.
"I love your hooters.
I love your ass.
What say we meet after class?"
I was the silver-tongued
devil, wasn't I?
I want you to be
like that again.
Well, Peg, I want you
to be like that again.
- Oh, never mind!
- Now, what's the matter, Peg?
- I want romance.
- Well, what is romance?
You figure it out!
That takes me back
to the honeymoon.
Don't tell me what's romantic.
I know what's romantic.
Kelly, what's romantic?
Daddy, you know.
Women like candy
and flowers and cards...
not the kind with some
naked fat chick on it going,
"I know it's around
here somewhere."
I like that one.
Daddy, it's Valentine's Day.
Women like men to
be sweet and sensitive.
Whoa, babe, your
knobs look huge!
You ready?
Yes, and don't call me "babe."
Daddy, this is my
Valentine's date, Mayhem.
Charmed.
Bye.
Oh, to be young and free...
Ah, what the hell.
I'm good-looking and kept, ha!
Oh, Jefferson, you Judas.
You knew the beast of
all holidays was upon us.
Now where can I go get
some Valentine Day crap?
Look, Al, it's 7:30
on Valentine's Day.
The malls are picked clean.
- Hey, Mr. D'Arcy.
- Hey, Bud.
Dad, you tell Kelly I
found Crystal Brooks.
She's performing here in town
and she's staying
at the Emperor Hotel.
I'm gonna go see her
and set things straight.
Ha ha, witchy woman, bite me.
Did you get that?
Ah, yeah.
He wants Emperor
Crystal to bite him.
Anyway, look, Al,
here's what you better do.
You better get thee
to the Valentine store.
Good idea.
What's a Valentine store?
Well, it's a specialty shop
that caters to rogue
husbands like you.
It's a little more expensive.
Their motto is, "You're so
desperate, we don't need a motto."
Ha ha.
Well, next time, you ought to
think and shop ahead like me.
Good day.
Good day, my good man.
Uh, would you be so kind
as to tell Miss Brooks that...
Bud Bundy is here at last?
Here at last.
Thank God Almighty,
he's here at last.
Well, I see someone's "Hooked
On Phonics" tape was lost in the mail.
No problem.
You tell Miss Brooks
that Bud is here,
and there's a cool
nickel in it for ya.
Now what do you say?
Aah!
Hello again, my good man.
I think perhaps you
mistook me for...
either one of Miss Brook"
eager young groupies...
or something made by Wham-O.
Now, if you'll notice
I have here a handwritten
card from our Miss Brooks
which should prove
beyond a doubt,
not only do I know her,
but at one time, I could
have even boinked her.
Now...
you have three
seconds to announce me.
It's Bud Bundy.
Aaah!
Oh!
I have here this last box
of twelve bite-size
assorted chocolates!
Oooh!
The opening bid is $25.
Get a move on,
Omar, it's after 9:00.
In that case, the
opening bid is $35.
Thirty-five dollars!
Do I hear $45?
Forty-five.
Fifty-five.
Do I hear $65?
Sixty-five.
Seventy-five!
Do I hear $85?
I'll go...
Sold to the... shoe salesman?
Yes.
For $75.
I won! I won!
I bought chocolates for $75.
Gimme.
Oh!
Okay, Sasquatch...
It's check-out time.
Oh, good. They sent
a cute one this time.
Huh? What?
Oh, for the love of God, no! No!
Help me!
Mommy!!!
Now serving number 2009.
That's mine!
I'd like... one dozen red roses.
One bouquet of wallet breakers.
Okay, sir, now how
do you intend to pay?
Cash, check or
deed to your house?
Do you take blood?
What can I get for 50 bucks?
Now I know how Tom Arnold feels.
Well, it's about
time you got here.
You must walk my Winky.
I'm not your bellhop.
You can walk your own Winky.
Pay you $50.
Here, Winky. Here, boy.
Aah!
Whoa, whoa! Whoa!
Whoa, Winky!
Aah!
This is a good hotel.
Oh! Oh!
Mommy!!!
Hi there.
It's me.
Bud Bundy.
Well, I guess you
don't recognize me
'cause I bulked up a little
since the last time you saw me.
Let me refresh your memory.
Six years ago, you sent
me a touching Valentine,
which I never
received until today.
Now, I know we
can never be lovers.
Look, if it's any
consolation at all,
I would have
come over that night
and we would have made
beautiful, passionate...
hot monkey love.
Crystal, someone's
here to see you.
Hi there.
It's me, Bud Bundy.
I guess you don't
recognize me...
I heard you, Bud.
That was a long time ago.
I've moved on.
Well, so have I.
I've had plenty of
women in my life, too.
Just five minutes ago I had...
group sex.
Look, I just came to apologize.
I guess there's
nothing else to say.
Good luck with your career.
I'm going to college myself...
unlike people who
go to college together.
No chance on that lover thing?
Sorry.
I guess I'll see ya, huh?
Don't bother. I'll
throw myself out.
Whoo-hoo.
Well, right behind you.
Oh, so what if Al
forgot Valentine's Day?
He's not an elephant.
He's a pig.
Besides, Valentine's
Day is degrading.
It's just another
commercial holiday
made up by Merlin Olsen
and the Hershey candy mob
to fatten their
wallets on our guilt.
It's just disgusting.
Is Jefferson getting
you anything?
If he knows what's good for him.
Well, I would have
gotten him something, too,
but I seem to have
misplaced my credit card.
Happy Valentine's Day, honey.
Oh, Jefferson.
A crystal penguin.
It's beautiful.
Must have cost a fortune.
Hey, price means nothing to me.
Say, uh, isn't that
your credit card?
Why, yes!
Oh, this is my lucky day!
Now, let's go home, honey,
because I have a special
Valentine treat for you, too.
Ah, what's that?
Well, that all depends on whether or not
this bird was charged to my credit card.
Marcy, it's not me, it's the
voices! They compel me!
Kelly, I thought you
were out with Maytag.
Mayhem.
He was my 8:00 date.
My real date's Pin Worm.
He's picking me up at 11:00.
Well, if he makes bail.
Happy...
What is it?
Valentine's Day.
Valentine's Day.
Here's your...
here's your candy,
here's your card...
and if you get this in
the ground by spring...
here's your flowers.
Bean sprouts.
- Oh, Al, you're wonderful.
- Ha ha...
Ah, you're a little slice
of heaven yourself.
Can I go now, Peg?
Oh, let's go upstairs together.
What? No, wait. We had a deal.
No sex.
That was on Easter.
- Well, what's this?
- Valentine's.
Oh, Peg!
Hey, Bud. What
happened with Crystal?
Well, I apologized.
She understood,
and then her bodyguard
skee-balled me
the entire length
of the building.
I did, however, meet a
lovely woman named Rita.
And I learned something.
In space...
no one really can
hear you scream.
Good night.
Bud, I'm really sorry.
Listen, if anyone ever gives
me a love note for you again,
I promise I'll deliver it, okay?
You're not just saying that
'cause you know
I'll never get one?
- Kelly?
- Hmm?
- I'm Crystal Brooks.
- Oh, hi.
- Is Bud here?
- Yeah. Do you want me
to get him?
No. I've gotta
get to my concert.
Howie Mandel opens for me,
and the crowd
hates it when I'm late.
Would you please
give him this message?
Tell him to meet me at
the hotel after the concert.
- Okay.
- Please.
Don't worry. I will.
If he stands me up
this time, he's had it.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Hey, Bud!
- Yeah?
Whoa, babe, your
butt looks bitchen.
You ready?
Yeah... Wait.
There's something I
was supposed to do.
Oh, my coat.
I would forget my head
if it wasn't attached to...
well, I forgot what
it was attached to.
Let's go.