Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 7, Episode 20 - Un-Alful Entry - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

[SQUEAKING]

Oh, not you again.

Honey, now that you're up,

rub my tushy so I
can go back to sleep.

Oh, Peg.

How come nobody
ever rubs my tushy?

Well, I'll tell you what.

This weekend,
you mow it, I'll rub it.

Oh, Al, it just
doesn't feel right.

Well, maybe I'm
rubbing against the grain.



Know what would really
help me go to sleep?

Yes I do, Peg, but I don't think

we can get Dr. Kevorkian
on such short notice.

No, Al.

Tell me a story.

Oh, all right.

Once upon a time there
was a princess named Peggy.

I like this one.

She had everything.

Beauty, charm,
breeding, inbreeding.

A huge fat mother.

Everything a little
girl could want.

Then one day she
married a prince.

Bonny Prince Al.



Were they happy?

Not at first.

But then she brought over
four of her best girlfriends

with the most luscious
hooters you ever saw.

The princess went into
a deep, deep sleep...

and Al and the eight hooters
lived happily ever after.

Don't you worry, guys.

No matter what he
says, he still loves you.

Tell them that you do, Al.

They know I do, Peg.

It's you I have
the problem with.

Now I'm all tense.

But I know what you could
do to make me drowsy.

Oh, no.

Not that, Al. That
only puts you to sleep.

Could you go down and get
me a nice warm glass of milk?

But hurry back, honey.

You know I can't
sleep without you.

It's always your
tushy, your milk.

Your stinking orgasm.

What about me?

How come I don't
get no tushy rub?

If there is one desirable
tushy in this house,

it's the one right behind me.

Hey, this is all right.

Well, it's darn relaxing.

How come I spend
so much time like this...

when this is right
around the corner?

Hey, wait a second.

I've got two hands.

Oh, good night, folks.

Hi, Daddy.

You know, you're twice as
talented as Michael Jackson

because he only uses one hand.

Well, that's great. Now
I won't fall asleep again.

Guess I'll try what I learned
from my dad when I was a kid.

Counting hooters.

Two, four, six...

Eight. Oh, no, now,
wait a minute. It's twins.

Twelve, fourteen...

Are you gonna come inside?

No.

Oh, I get it.

You want me right here,
right now, on the floor.

Hell no.

Well, why'd you walk
me to my door, then?

Because it was the only
way to get you out of my car.

Dad, did you see that?

No.

Did you see this?

No.

Good. Well, good night, son.

Good night.

Hey, son. Son?

Always remember...

you've got two hands.

Thanks, Dad. I'll
be needing them.

Yeah, yeah, kids are great.

They bring you so much pleasure.

That's why a man
should always have a dog.

Buck, boy, bring
me my slippers, boy.

That's all right, boy. You
don't owe me anything.

Just your worthless, stinking

one-step-from-being-gassed-
in-the-pound life.

All right, back to hooters.

Thirty, thirty-two,
thirty-four, thirty-six...

All right, Peg.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey now!

Hey, you're not my wife.

What are you doing with my TV?

Nothing as bad as you
were doing with my butt.

Now, don't look
for trouble, mister.

Just shut up and sit down.

This stuff ain't worth
losing your life over.

Hey, this is my house.

I don't let the bank in here
and they own the place.

Don't you take another step.

Sic him, boy.

Why don't you try to be as
smart as your dog, buddy.

I've tried.

It doesn't work.

And this is a really
remarkable story

about a totally
unremarkable man.

A ruthless intruder broke into

his shabby home
in search of loot...

but instead found one
brave shoe salesman,

who, for all of us,
finally said, "No more."

And that man is Al
"the Defender" Bundy.

Hey, Mom, you think Dad can
make money off this whole thing?

Honey, you heard what
your father said to the press.

This was an act of pure heroism.

Not to be cheapened
by crass commercialism.

And you know your father's
word is as good as his breath.

Yes, yes, yes.

I am an American hero.

And in the grand tradition
of American heroes,

I will hawk more
products than Bill Cosby.

When he was hot.

[DOORBELL]

That could be the
Jell-O pudding people.

Oh, wait. What
if it's a burglar?

Then I'll answer it with this:

Wait a second. Burglars
don't ring doorbells.

What if it's
somebody for charity?

Answer it with this.

Hey, Al. I saw
you on television.

But how can I
put this delicately?

You were as dull
as women's golf.

Well, but... Look...

I know that you're looking
for endorsements, you know.

But, I mean, let's
face the facts.

You're limited by your
coarse and common look. So...

we tell the advertisers
that I'm Al Bundy.

What company wouldn't
want me as their spokesman?

I've got it all. I'm
the total package.

I'm non-threatening,
superficial...

I am the '90s, babe.

Look, I even fit
better with your family.

You see how I can make
anything look better?

Oh, Al. Take a picture.

Mom will be so happy.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh, hello, officer.

Did you mistake our
house for a doughnut shop?

Obviously not.

There's only one of me.

You cops.

Mr. Bundy, the guys down at
the station think you're great.

In fact, we've ripped up
all your parking tickets.

[WHISPERING] And we're
covering up that little incident

down at the nudie bar.

But we got some
bad news for you.

That burglar got out on bail

and he says he's
coming to get you.

Ah, let him come.
I'm not afraid of him.

I took him when
he had a crowbar,

I'll take him now.

What kind of weapon
has he got this time, a gun?

More deadly.

A lawyer.

He says you attacked him.

He's suing you for $50,000.

[WHINING] Peg?

Peg, I'm ready for court.

Where are the kids?

They're upstairs.

Honey, they have
a surprise for you.

Kids! Come down and show Daddy!

Kids, you don't know
what this means to me.

You never said
that in public before.

What do these
things say, anyway?

What difference does it make?

The important thing is
it's gonna get us cars.

Well, now, kids, that won't
come until after the trial.

But don't worry about it.

You know your dad's a winner.

I'm warning you, Dad.

Ever wanna see these shirts
again, get a good lawyer.

What for? It's cut and dry.

Guy broke into my
house. I broke into his face.

Simple. So simple a
moron could defend me.

Your Honour, I am
here to defend my daddy.

D is for "Daddy."

A is for "Daddy."

D is for "Daddy."

Y is for "Daddy."

I is for Daddy. We is for Daddy.

The defence breasts.

Your Honour, if there
actually is a valid lawsuit here

it should be Bundy v.
The Board of Education

because she actually
graduated high school.

Now, if you don't mind, I
will now fire my daughter

and put my money
on another idiot: Me.

Objection stained.

Order in the court.

I'll have a cheeseburger.

I'm on trial, yet
she walks free.

Your Honour, I motion that
this case be thrown out of court

so I can get money for
my endorsement deals

and give you whatever
you think is your fair share.

Mr. Bundy, I have a
date with a prostitute.

But there are certain
procedures that we must follow.

The case of Richard
Johnson v. Al Bundy.

Mr. Johnson's attorney,
please proceed.

Thank you, Your Honour.

Look at my poor
client's innocent face.

An obviously sweet man who
was attacked by this animal.

Verily, I feared for my life.

Your Honour, if you're
not touched by that

you're not the man I
slept with in law school.

Gee, Al, it's
really going great.

Your Honour, I'd
like you to take a look

at exhibits A, B and C.

The valuables that my client
allegedly stole from Mr. Bundy.

A plastic clown.

A vase in very poor taste.

And a copy of Big 'Uns.

Your Honour, that was the
Christmas issue of Big 'Uns

and they were all
decorated for the holidays.

He decorated them
himself, Your Honour.

Your Honour, the issue
here is not how sick I am.

The issue is that this
man broke into my house.

Your Honour, how do
we know that my client

broke into Mr. Bundy's house?

Mr. Johnson...

did Mr. Bundy
give any indication

that he did not want
you in his home?

Quite to the contrary.

He fondled by bottom
with his bare hands.

Is this true, Mr. Bundy?

Well, yes. Yes, I did. But...

I thought it was my wife.

You should be so lucky.

My wife's heinie
puts yours to shame.

And so does mine, I might add.

That's not the story
your hand told me.

So, this is what you
do while I'm asleep.

Al, I want you to answer me
this and answer me right now.

Did this man get
my warm milk too?

Peg, I swear I didn't
feed him. I only felt him.

Are you gonna see him again?

Your Honour, these people
obviously deserve their fate.

But my client does not.

So he had a few items
that didn't belong to him.

Perhaps he's a congressman.

Or perhaps they were love gifts

from the man who used
him and then threw him out.

I just know he got my milk.

What we're looking at here,
Your Honour, is an animal.

Not like the gentle
creatures we know and love

from Born Free or the
timeless Lady and the Tramp

but rather, a ferocious
beast, totally out of control.

Mr. Bundy, what if a Girl
Scout came by selling cookies?

Would you have
kicked her in the face?

I would, and have.

We're asking for $50,000 in
compensation, Your Honour.

Not just for the medical
costs incurred by my client,

but for the mental stress
that my client is going through.

Let's hear it in his own words.

"My life is in a..."

Shambles. "Shambles."

"I am now afraid to
break into people's homes.

"My career as a burglar
may well have been cut short

"while still in the
prime of my life.

"I can no longer look
at my own behind

"with child-like innocence.

But 50,000 bucks
will help a lot."

We rest our case.

Mr. Bundy, your
statement, please.

Your Honour...

even a man of obvious
limited intelligence

as yourself can judge this case.

I have been in court on a
thousand trumped-up charges.

Some real, some imagined.

The point is, I
lost all of them.

I don't know the law,

nor do I really know
how to pleasure a woman.

I have no interest in either.

But let me ask you
one important question:

How did we become
a great country?

By kicking the
heinies of anybody

who threatened our borders.

And that's what I was doing.

I was protecting my border.

A man comes into my house...

he better be carrying
a summons or a pizza.

But this man wasn't...

so I called in the Marines...

and the 51st Airborne.

So in conclusion, Your Honour...

if you rule against me...

you rule against every man
who fought for his country.

The boys at San Juan Hill
and the boys at Iwo Jima.

Audie Murphy, Eddie
Murphy, Murphy Brown...

brown-and-serve sausage...

the cheap brown shoes
that every working man

is proud to use...

to kick the heinie of any
man who invades his home.

Your Honour, I
await your decision.

Guilty.

Of course, of course.

The court rules you should
pay $50,000 to this man.

I'm going to Disneyland.

So for hitting this guy
I get charged $50,000

which I don't have?

Well, hell, I may as
well go for a hundred.

Oh, Al, you did it.

I'm so proud of you.

The system finally
came through for us.

Yeah, I sued him for
hurting my hand on his face.

Claimed I can't sell shoes.

As if you ever could.

But I can still do this.

As if you ever could.

Where is my damn cheeseburger?