Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 7, Episode 21 - Movie Show - full transcript

Hi, honey. How was work?

I didn't quite make it to
work this morning, Peg.

You may not have noticed,

since you were
too busy sleeping.

The city towed my car
away again this morning.

They keep thinking
it's an abandoned car.

Why, Peg?

It's a Dodge, Al.

Any time you see a Dodge,
you think it's abandoned.

Hey, by the way,
where's your neck?

Well, that's an amusing
little side story, Peg.



You see, when I
got to the impound lot

I saw my car was in
line for the wrecking ball.

So I ran over and
jumped in, tried to stop it.

But I was too late, but
I did get a free sunroof.

Both for my car and my head.

Straighten me out,
for God's sake, Peg.

Oh, honey.

Thanks, Peg. You
got any aspirin?

Oh, just two.

You know, your stories always
give me such a headache.

Hey, Dad, can I borrow your car?

I gotta go through
a rough part of town.

I found if I turn my hat
backwards and drive your car

even the gangs
cut me a wide path.



Dodge says something
very special about you.

Oh, yeah. It says,
"Damn right I failed."

Are you okay, Mrs. D'Arcy?

Well, I was till I was swept
up by this huge machine

which now knows
me as few men have.

Do you mind backing it up a bit?

Sure, mister.

Marcy, I saw what
happened. I ran right over.

Nice bike.

Aren't you gonna
ask me how I am?

I asked you this morning.

How many times a day do I
have to ask you how you feel?

I care, okay?

Young man, do
you have insurance?

Of course not. Insurance?

Oh, I suppose having
insurance isn't cool anymore?

Come on, Jefferson.

I drove a moped in college,

so I understand
the outlaw mentality.

But the next time
you run over my wife,

you better have
insurance, pally.

Nice bike.

Punk.

So did you have
a good time today?

Yeah, I always have fun
watching sausages being made.

You know, I never knew how
many fingers went into them.

Listen, I wanted to
take you out tomorrow

because it's your
birthday and all.

Aw. And they say
that jail hardens a man.

Oh, hi, Daddy. Do
you remember Frank?

I barely remember Bud.

Now, your boss called.
You're late for work.

Whoops, I gotta run.

Daddy, give Frank
a kiss for me, okay?

Of course, pumpkin.

Relax, Frank.

I don't kiss anyone
who doesn't cook for me.

Ask the wife.

Sir, I hope you don't mind

I'm taking your daughter
out tomorrow for her birthday.

No kidding? It's her birthday?

Well, what is she, 12,
30? Ah, who really cares.

Just take her someplace
special. Wait a minute.

There. Now beat it.

Al, that attractive young
thug has shamed us.

We forgot Kelly's
birthday again.

So? Bundys don't
celebrate birthdays.

Oh, sure it causes
irreparable emotional scars,

but saves a few
bucks in presents.

Bud, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Luscious hooters?

No, I wasn't thinking that.
I should've been, but...

I was thinking about
your sister's birthday.

And we're missing a
grand opportunity here.

I say we should
ask to take Kelly out.

She'll say she has plans

and she'll actually
think we care.

And then we can just
forget Kelly's birthday forever,

because if she
complains, we'll say:

"Well, we offered
to take you out,

but you broke our hearts
when you turned us down."

Bud, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Kelly's a sucker?

No, I was thinking
of luscious hooters.

I'd moved on. Kelly,
come down here. Hurry up.

Smile all you want,

I am not pulling
any of your fingers.

Well, I guess one surprise
will have to do, then.

Sweetheart, tomorrow
is a very important day.

It's my little girl's birthday.

Congratulations, Bud.

I'm just kidding.

I mean, who would
care about his birthday?

I can't believe you
guys remembered mine.

Not only did we remember it,

but we want to celebrate it
by taking you to the movies.

You know, with the family.

Well, I have a date with
Frank and I really like him a lot.

Oh, she's busy.

It's all right, honey.
We understand.

But I am going to cancel my
date and go to the movies with you.

I mean, you guys
are like a family to me.

Happy now, bonehead?

Now this one's gonna want
something for his birthday too.

Well, forget about it.

We don't even
wanna know when it is.

Fortunately, he has
no friends to tell us.

He has no friends.

Eighteen movies in this Cineplex

and the only one not sold
out is Coffee Cups For Two.

Gee, I guess that must
mean it's gonna be real good.

Oh, lordy. Hey,
wait a minute, Peg.

Wait. We can't afford that.
Americans coming through.

Bonbon.

Peg, we're on a
limited budget here.

Bonbon. It's three
times more expensive

here than anywhere else. Bonbon.

Bonbon.

And...

That'll be $100.

Uh-huh.

But we don't need this dog here.

How dare you try to
sell us empty boxes?

I brought this from home.

Let's go.

You didn't see nothing, kid.
You understand me? Nothing.

Thank you, family.

This is the bestest
birthday I ever had.

I can't believe he's
here. I am so upset.

Well, honey, it's
kind of a family thing.

We couldn't leave Daddy home.

No, Mom. Look, it's Frank.

God, just because
I broke our date,

he's out with another girl.

And he has that talking-about-
his-uncle's-sausage

look on his face.

Oh, now, don't worry, honey.

You're gonna have a great
time. You're with your family.

Well, Dad, enough
of this bonding.

I got a captive audience here.

I'm gonna go
bother me some girls.

Hello.

Allow me to introduce
myself. I'm your new boyfriend.

Well, I'm your
new ex-girlfriend.

Call me.

Reginald Bundy,
critic for the Times.

You know, I get so few chances
to see films with the public.

This time I wanna watch a
film exactly as the people do.

So, if you don't mind...

Oh, I see you're
alone. Well, don't worry

because me and my beard
make just an excellent friend.

Here's the popcorn
you wanted, Lil.

Now, some boy was
bothering me before.

I wonder where he is now.

Well, let me know
if you see him.

Damn. I'm sitting
on something lumpy.

Probably a Milk Dud.

You people have to
keep your feet down.

Go chase yourself,
peasant! Go on!

Thank you for your cooperation.

Ladies and gentlemen,

our theatres are participating

in a Send a Kid to
the Movies program.

An usher will be collecting
at the end of this feature.

Thank you.

Boo!

Hey, the movie's
starting. Shut up.

Save my seat, Peg.

Gave me his popcorn.

And now our
feature presentation.

Mom, did this ever happen
to you when you dated?

Uh, yes. Once. I
was out with your dad

and we saw this really cool boy

that I was dating
out with another girl.

So I had your Daddy beat him up.

You know, that's what
I love about your dad.

He's like a big,
stupid guard dog.

He didn't even ask why
he was beating the guy up.

He just loved it so.

Honey, men are to be ignored.

Just pretend you're
married to this guy.

You won't care what he does.

Well, it's not so easy.

I mean, I wear my
heart on my sleaze.

Daddy, what makes
men cheat on women?

Women.

Ah, pumpkin, don't
take it personally.

See, men are different.

We're loners, rogues,
great white hunters

roaming wild and
free, like our ancestors,

the mighty monkey.

We need variety. In fact,
women like us that way.

They want us to be that way.

Women don't respect
men unless they cheat.

That's why your mother
doesn't respect me.

But, honey, if it'll make
you feel any better...

Booby. I saw a booby.

Al, that is a forehead
with a zit on it.

Put on your glasses.

Ah, this is too much.

I'm gonna get some more popcorn
and complain to the manager

there's not enough hooters

in this otherwise
undistinguished film.

God, I've never been
cheated on before.

Mom, am I losing it?

Oh, no, honey. You don't
lose it till you're, like, 50 or 60.

I mean, look at me.

I am getting sexier and,
yes, classier, every year.

I can't be losing it. I
gotta see something.

Excuse me. Would
you leave her for me?

You bet.

Thanks.

Well, that helped a little bit.

I hate men.

So does God. That's why
he made them want us.

Not to change the
subject from men,

but where's your father?

Peg? Kids? Where
the hell are you?

Well, I complained
to the stupid manager

about the lack of
hooters in this film.

You know, Peg, you're
looking good in this dim light.

Remember what we
used to do at the movies?

Honk! Honk!

You're not Peg!
Peg! Peg, help me!

Al? Peg?

Al! Peg!

Al, you're in the
wrong theatre again!

What?

Damn multiplexes.

Shh!

Oh, my gosh. I
think I see a booby.

Peg, wait.

I'll be over in a minute. I
think I'm seeing hooters here.

I am seeing hooters here.

That was a beautiful,
lovely movie.

I saw 22 hooters.

A bunch of guys were
killed. Had no story at all.

It had... It had everything.

Oh, my God. It's Mr. D'Arcy.

What, is everybody
cheating on everybody?

You know, I have got half a mind

to give him half
a half of my mind.

You. Neighbour boy.

How dare you cheat on
your miserable, flat-chested

aged, skinny little wife
with this obvious slattern.

I mean, look at her. That
hair. That slutty dress.

Well, the dress is okay.

Go away, you idiot.

Oh, I see. You guys
are role-playing.

Hey, Mom, Dad.

The D'Arcys are role-playing
to get themselves hot.

How am I supposed to
score sitting with my parents?

I mean, I'm a cool guy
and nobody knows it

because I'm with my parents.

Next time I'm gonna sit alone.

Yeah. Babes can't resist a
guy who sits alone at the movies.

Maybe I'll wear a raincoat.

How long is this thing?

She loves him. He loves her.

I can't take it.

I'm gonna run amuck and
start dismembering everyone.

And I'm gonna start with her.

Gee, this film has
really touched Al.

I see a tear in his eye.

I think I actually
may get some tonight.

Thank you, Cosmo.
You really do know men.

I like the way my
hair tastes tonight.

I can't take this anymore.

It's like Chinese
waiter torture.

I have to talk.

Hello, Frank. Kelly. Whoa.

I-It's not what you think.

You see, I was planning
on using her dentist,

and I was just
checking out his work.

Well, I might have
bought that if I didn't know

that you already see
an excellent dentist.

But, you know, it's okay.

I mean, at first I was hurt to
see you with someone else,

but after all I
cancelled the date.

It's my birthday

and it is time to
handle my life maturely.

I want you to know that I
understand what happened

and it's okay.

Daddy, beat him up.
Of course, pumpkin.

And that's why cable

will never replace the
moviegoing experience.