Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 7, Episode 19 - Go for the Old - full transcript
After Al passes for a senior citizen to get into the movies cheap he worries that he's getting old. He then starts acting old but a senior decathlon brings him back to life.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, Kel. Popcorn ready?
I don't know. How do
you know when it's done?
When it's as big as
Mom's hair, it's done.
Nope.
Nope.
It's Mom.
I just love movie night.
It's a chance for
us all to be together.
Except for the fact
that Mom and Dad
are too cheap to take us.
So they go and
then tell us about it.
Who wants to hear
about the movie?
It's starting. It's starting.
Well, I guess no one's
gonna have to yell,
"Head down in front"
to you, huh, Bud?
Like anyone's seen your
head in a movie in 10 years.
What's that supposed to mean?
You know what it means.
Now, now, kids.
No fighting on movie night
or I'm not gonna
tell you the movie.
That's better.
Okay, first the
lights come down.
Then your father stumbles
over everybody, spilling Cokes.
Then comes on a commercial
for some newspaper.
[BOOING]
And a plea for the environment.
Oh, save the
children. Poor Earth.
Who cares.
And now, our
feature presentation:
A Few Good Men.
Well, in the beginning,
Nicholson is really
tough and everything.
But then 90 minutes
later, he gives up.
For no apparent reason.
The end.
Wow. What a great movie, Mom.
Just a little too long for me.
No military hooters, Dad?
I don't like starched hooters,
and I didn't spill Cokes,
and I see no reason
to go on living.
Daddy's in a mood.
The cashier at the movie
theatre thought he was 65.
Well, the cashier
wouldn't have thought it
if you hadn't said it, Peg.
Well, I had to, Al.
They raised the price of tickets
to 7$ and we didn't
have enough money.
So then I saw a sign, it said,
"Half price for
senior citizens."
So I called Daddy, "Daddy."
You know what upsets me,
is that the cashier
didn't ask for my license.
She didn't even want
any ID or any proof.
She just believed I was 65.
Well, what did
you expect, honey?
She saw a stooped-over
prune of a man
with a young dynamite chick.
Hey, who were you
standing next to, Dad?
The Red Reaper.
Kids, I don't really
look old, do I?
Well... Let's check this out.
Oh, hey, Bud, you
gotta jiggle his teeth.
Hey, I see a white one.
No, no, that's... That's cheese.
I know the sure test.
Old men have no heinies.
There's proof positive. Well...
Well, look at that
round little apple.
Cool, Dad.
Look at his pants. They
just go straight down.
Where do old guys' heinies go?
To that strange, far-off,
magical place
called their bellies.
Hope I never lose my butt.
You wouldn't lose
your butt in prison.
Gee, I hope I live
to see you at 30.
Or should I say...
Thirty.
Hi.
Hi, guys.
Jefferson and I
could use a little help.
We were watching
this old movie on TV
with this really
great old actor,
but neither of us
could think of his name.
So we decided to ask someone
from an older generation.
Al, in Holiday, who played
Cary Grant's best friend?
How would I know, I'm not
old. It's Edward Everett Horton,
and if you say "Who's
he?" you know damn well
I'll tell your real age.
Al, I wouldn't say
anything to embarrass you.
He got into the movies
as a senior citizen.
They thought he was 65.
Really? I thought he was 70.
You must mean IQ.
Well, then, yes,
he's definitely 65.
Come on, now, Al isn't 65.
He just looks 65.
Now, you wanna see a
great looking 65-year-old,
you come knocking
on my door in 40 years.
Oh, but don't come barging in
because I'm gonna be in
there with some young chick.
Thank you, honey.
Will you still be
living there with us?
The question is,
will you still be living?
Peggy, you're so lucky.
Though yours is
about as desirable
as Shredded Wheat
without the milk...
at least he's cheap to keep.
Al, why don't you go
out and get yourself
one of those senior
citizen discount cards?
Why, you could use
the card to have a nice
"In by 2 p.m., out by
2:30" supper at Denny's.
No kidding?
That's pretty good because
anything I eat by two
is out by 2:30 anyway.
Hey, where can I get
one of them cards?
Well, city hall.
But, Al, you can't
seriously do this.
It would be dishonest.
It would be cheating.
Oh, right, I couldn't
do anything like that.
I'm gonna get me one
of them cards right now.
I'll use my senior
movie pass as ID.
Oh, but...
if I'm gonna fool people
to thinking I'm old,
I'll have to figure a way
to cover up my sexuality.
What about one of those
little round Band-Aids, Al?
She's 60. There, I told.
I'm gonna get you.
You better not be
saying things like that...
Mom, I'm a little
worried about Dad.
I mean, for a change,
he's gone overboard.
Since his senior discount card,
he's mailing away
for anything they offer.
I think there's something
different about him,
but you be the judge.
Family, look what
I got for 42 cents.
If it wasn't for my
senior discount card,
this ensemble would
have been in excess of $3.
Honey, not that we're not
gonna discuss your suit,
but let's begin where
most things end.
Your head.
The Grecian Formula, huh? Yeah.
I shampooed it in
a little at a time...
for gradual change,
and now no one knows
it's not really my color.
Yeah, Dad, it... It
looks real natural.
I really think I did a
nice job. I put it in myself.
See.
I shampooed it in, and voilà.
A new man. God, I'm cool,
and the chicks are loving it.
Can you imagine what it's
like to walk into a bingo parlor,
hitch up your white belt,
and know you can have
any woman in there?
Peg, by the way, I
won't be home Friday.
Sadie Blondstein's
making a nice brisket.
The only drawback is I
find myself talking to myself.
No, you don't. Yes, I do.
Why not? You're charming.
Hey, brisket on
Friday. No kidding?
So let me know if
you catch me doing it.
Well, kids, can I get
a "Whoa, asylum"?
Hey, let's see what
we got in the mail.
Hey...
I've been invited to compete in
the Chicago Area
Athletic Championships.
Well, can't turn this down.
So scare the big
spider off the mantel,
because there's a
new trophy coming.
Nothing can stop me now.
Except getting it in the
cup during drug testing.
Dad, did you read this?
Sure. It says, "See you
at the championships."
It says, "Senior Championships."
'Cause it's for people over 65.
Perhaps your hair was
leaking into your eyes.
Honey, you know, that's
10 events in two days.
You can't even handle
one event in two minutes.
Mom's 80.
Hey, Mom, when did
you start going through,
you know, mental-pause?
Right after I had you, honey.
Dad, you can't possibly
beat these old guys.
They're in great shape.
For once in your life, quit
while you're still behind.
So you don't
think I can win, eh?
Oh, Daddy, I think you can win.
I made a joke.
[LAUGHING] That was good.
So an old woman, a
gnome and a dullard
don't think I can win.
No.
No, we actually don't.
Well, I can, and I will
win these championships.
Bring me your tired,
your old, your wrinkled
old masses yearning
to ride the bus for free.
Bring them all on.
Your 70-year-olds,
your 80-year-olds,
your 90-year-olds.
Bring them in their canes
and walkers and wheelchairs.
I'll bury them all.
Because that's the kind
of man your daddy is.
Good boy.
[TUBA]
ALL [SLOPPILY]: ♪
For the land of the free ♪
[TUBA SQUEAKING]
♪ And the home of the brave ♪
Well, at least now I can say
I've been to a Dead concert.
Get your Maalox,
red-hot suppositories...
stewed prunes,
already-chewed food.
MAN [OVER LOUDSPEAKER]:
Get on your marks.
Get set.
[GUNSHOT]
What?
Daddy's losing.
Well, be specific.
His hair, his teeth,
the race? What?
And Bundy is fifth.
Hey, Mom, was Dad ever any good?
He talks about it all the time,
but was he ever
really a great athlete?
Well, actually, kids, he
was really something.
I remember one
play in particular.
Everybody thought
Daddy was really boxed in.
So he threw a fake,
broke four tackles,
straight-armed a
guy right in the teeth
and ran for daylight.
It was the best
run I'd ever seen.
He'd still be running if my
uncle hadn't clubbed him
with the butt of his shotgun
and dragged him
back to the wedding.
So, in answer to your question:
Yes, he was a great athlete,
but no, he was never any good.
Forty-seven feet.
Next up, Al Bundy.
Six inches.
Measure it again!
Next up at the pole vault,
Al Bundy makes his jump.
[THUD AND CRASH]
Get up, Al. Get up.
This had better not be
Sadie the brisket woman.
It's not. Sadie
don't have no cat.
Oh, God, I hurt.
Honey. You should
be pretty proud.
After one full day's events,
with men who, in some cases
are twice your age,
you're in 15th place.
Look on the bright side, Daddy.
You are the 15th
best elderly athlete
in the entire Chicago area.
Yeah, Dad, we're all proud
the way you nailed that cat.
I took him out
pretty good, didn't I?
You sure did, killer.
Why don't we cut
the charade, Dad.
You know, we don't ask for much.
Just once, why
don't you dig deep
and show us the
man you really are?
Make us proud, big guy.
Quit.
You'll always have the cat.
Yeah, I guess I can't top that.
All right, I quit.
Can't beat those guys,
anyway, they got the edge on me.
Most of their wives are dead.
You know, Peg, if you loved
me, you'd be dead already too.
Yeah, if.
All right, but understand this:
I was a cinch to win that thing.
We know you were, Dad.
Yeah, Dad, you can do anything.
[LAUGHS]
I made another joke.
Al, you could really use some
encouragement, couldn't you?
Yes, Peg, I could.
Good night, honey.
It didn't always
used to be like this.
MAN: All right, boys. We're
down three touchdowns,
we don't have a
chance, so let's quit.
AL: Quit? [SLAP]
Sorry, coach, but
I'm taking over now.
Okay, you guys, you give me
the ball and get out of my way.
Al Bundy doesn't quit.
Peg, wake up!
Oh, no, Al.
Are you reliving when you
slapped the coach
and took over the team?
Peg, shut up.
Kids, get in here!
I have made a decision.
I am going back to the
competition tomorrow...
and I want you there,
and I want you cheering.
And this time I want
you cheering for me.
Al Bundy is not a quitter.
Now get out.
No, not you.
This used to be
my event too, baby.
Well, kids, he proved
it to me last night,
and I want the
whole world to know:
Your father is a quitter.
Of course, he
thinks he did good.
Probably because I screamed "Al"
when he jabbed his
elbow into my eye.
[CAT SCREECHES]
[CAT SCREECHES
How am I doing?
Oh, honey, I can't believe it.
You're in second place.
Now there's one more
event. The 1500-meter race.
Win that, and you take it all.
Al, we are so proud of you.
You're beating all the old men.
Beating them?
I'm killing them.
Well, it looks
like it's gonna be
a duel between you and me.
It's gonna be rough.
I'm a long-distance
man, but I'm gonna win
this event and take that gold.
Means a lot to me.
So much, I actually considered
competing before I was 65,
just to get an edge.
Pathetic, huh?
But what kind of an example
would that be for the grandkids.
So I trained for a whole year.
And I'm gonna win
it fair and square.
Good luck, honey.
You're gonna need
it against that guy.
Do you think so?
Yeah, sure, he
does a lot of running,
but stamina's my strong point.
Well, no, not with you.
With you, stamina's a bad
thing. It prolongs the agony.
I'm talking about something
that excites a man. Sports.
But you know, winning means
an awful lot to that old guy.
So, what I'm gonna do
is, I'm gonna run the race
until I know I got it won.
Then I'm gonna slow up
and let him win because...
I'd have to be pretty pathetic
to want glory bad enough...
to cheat an old
man out of a victory
he's dreamed of for years.
See you at the
finish line, baby.
Yeah, and if history
has taught us anything,
you'll be asleep by
the time I get there.
Runners in the 1500,
take your marks.
What? What?
Get set.
What? What?
[GUNSHOT]
[♪♪♪]
The hell with him.
That trophy's mine!
It's only cheating,
if you get caught.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Hey, Kel. Popcorn ready?
I don't know. How do
you know when it's done?
When it's as big as
Mom's hair, it's done.
Nope.
Nope.
It's Mom.
I just love movie night.
It's a chance for
us all to be together.
Except for the fact
that Mom and Dad
are too cheap to take us.
So they go and
then tell us about it.
Who wants to hear
about the movie?
It's starting. It's starting.
Well, I guess no one's
gonna have to yell,
"Head down in front"
to you, huh, Bud?
Like anyone's seen your
head in a movie in 10 years.
What's that supposed to mean?
You know what it means.
Now, now, kids.
No fighting on movie night
or I'm not gonna
tell you the movie.
That's better.
Okay, first the
lights come down.
Then your father stumbles
over everybody, spilling Cokes.
Then comes on a commercial
for some newspaper.
[BOOING]
And a plea for the environment.
Oh, save the
children. Poor Earth.
Who cares.
And now, our
feature presentation:
A Few Good Men.
Well, in the beginning,
Nicholson is really
tough and everything.
But then 90 minutes
later, he gives up.
For no apparent reason.
The end.
Wow. What a great movie, Mom.
Just a little too long for me.
No military hooters, Dad?
I don't like starched hooters,
and I didn't spill Cokes,
and I see no reason
to go on living.
Daddy's in a mood.
The cashier at the movie
theatre thought he was 65.
Well, the cashier
wouldn't have thought it
if you hadn't said it, Peg.
Well, I had to, Al.
They raised the price of tickets
to 7$ and we didn't
have enough money.
So then I saw a sign, it said,
"Half price for
senior citizens."
So I called Daddy, "Daddy."
You know what upsets me,
is that the cashier
didn't ask for my license.
She didn't even want
any ID or any proof.
She just believed I was 65.
Well, what did
you expect, honey?
She saw a stooped-over
prune of a man
with a young dynamite chick.
Hey, who were you
standing next to, Dad?
The Red Reaper.
Kids, I don't really
look old, do I?
Well... Let's check this out.
Oh, hey, Bud, you
gotta jiggle his teeth.
Hey, I see a white one.
No, no, that's... That's cheese.
I know the sure test.
Old men have no heinies.
There's proof positive. Well...
Well, look at that
round little apple.
Cool, Dad.
Look at his pants. They
just go straight down.
Where do old guys' heinies go?
To that strange, far-off,
magical place
called their bellies.
Hope I never lose my butt.
You wouldn't lose
your butt in prison.
Gee, I hope I live
to see you at 30.
Or should I say...
Thirty.
Hi.
Hi, guys.
Jefferson and I
could use a little help.
We were watching
this old movie on TV
with this really
great old actor,
but neither of us
could think of his name.
So we decided to ask someone
from an older generation.
Al, in Holiday, who played
Cary Grant's best friend?
How would I know, I'm not
old. It's Edward Everett Horton,
and if you say "Who's
he?" you know damn well
I'll tell your real age.
Al, I wouldn't say
anything to embarrass you.
He got into the movies
as a senior citizen.
They thought he was 65.
Really? I thought he was 70.
You must mean IQ.
Well, then, yes,
he's definitely 65.
Come on, now, Al isn't 65.
He just looks 65.
Now, you wanna see a
great looking 65-year-old,
you come knocking
on my door in 40 years.
Oh, but don't come barging in
because I'm gonna be in
there with some young chick.
Thank you, honey.
Will you still be
living there with us?
The question is,
will you still be living?
Peggy, you're so lucky.
Though yours is
about as desirable
as Shredded Wheat
without the milk...
at least he's cheap to keep.
Al, why don't you go
out and get yourself
one of those senior
citizen discount cards?
Why, you could use
the card to have a nice
"In by 2 p.m., out by
2:30" supper at Denny's.
No kidding?
That's pretty good because
anything I eat by two
is out by 2:30 anyway.
Hey, where can I get
one of them cards?
Well, city hall.
But, Al, you can't
seriously do this.
It would be dishonest.
It would be cheating.
Oh, right, I couldn't
do anything like that.
I'm gonna get me one
of them cards right now.
I'll use my senior
movie pass as ID.
Oh, but...
if I'm gonna fool people
to thinking I'm old,
I'll have to figure a way
to cover up my sexuality.
What about one of those
little round Band-Aids, Al?
She's 60. There, I told.
I'm gonna get you.
You better not be
saying things like that...
Mom, I'm a little
worried about Dad.
I mean, for a change,
he's gone overboard.
Since his senior discount card,
he's mailing away
for anything they offer.
I think there's something
different about him,
but you be the judge.
Family, look what
I got for 42 cents.
If it wasn't for my
senior discount card,
this ensemble would
have been in excess of $3.
Honey, not that we're not
gonna discuss your suit,
but let's begin where
most things end.
Your head.
The Grecian Formula, huh? Yeah.
I shampooed it in
a little at a time...
for gradual change,
and now no one knows
it's not really my color.
Yeah, Dad, it... It
looks real natural.
I really think I did a
nice job. I put it in myself.
See.
I shampooed it in, and voilà.
A new man. God, I'm cool,
and the chicks are loving it.
Can you imagine what it's
like to walk into a bingo parlor,
hitch up your white belt,
and know you can have
any woman in there?
Peg, by the way, I
won't be home Friday.
Sadie Blondstein's
making a nice brisket.
The only drawback is I
find myself talking to myself.
No, you don't. Yes, I do.
Why not? You're charming.
Hey, brisket on
Friday. No kidding?
So let me know if
you catch me doing it.
Well, kids, can I get
a "Whoa, asylum"?
Hey, let's see what
we got in the mail.
Hey...
I've been invited to compete in
the Chicago Area
Athletic Championships.
Well, can't turn this down.
So scare the big
spider off the mantel,
because there's a
new trophy coming.
Nothing can stop me now.
Except getting it in the
cup during drug testing.
Dad, did you read this?
Sure. It says, "See you
at the championships."
It says, "Senior Championships."
'Cause it's for people over 65.
Perhaps your hair was
leaking into your eyes.
Honey, you know, that's
10 events in two days.
You can't even handle
one event in two minutes.
Mom's 80.
Hey, Mom, when did
you start going through,
you know, mental-pause?
Right after I had you, honey.
Dad, you can't possibly
beat these old guys.
They're in great shape.
For once in your life, quit
while you're still behind.
So you don't
think I can win, eh?
Oh, Daddy, I think you can win.
I made a joke.
[LAUGHING] That was good.
So an old woman, a
gnome and a dullard
don't think I can win.
No.
No, we actually don't.
Well, I can, and I will
win these championships.
Bring me your tired,
your old, your wrinkled
old masses yearning
to ride the bus for free.
Bring them all on.
Your 70-year-olds,
your 80-year-olds,
your 90-year-olds.
Bring them in their canes
and walkers and wheelchairs.
I'll bury them all.
Because that's the kind
of man your daddy is.
Good boy.
[TUBA]
ALL [SLOPPILY]: ♪
For the land of the free ♪
[TUBA SQUEAKING]
♪ And the home of the brave ♪
Well, at least now I can say
I've been to a Dead concert.
Get your Maalox,
red-hot suppositories...
stewed prunes,
already-chewed food.
MAN [OVER LOUDSPEAKER]:
Get on your marks.
Get set.
[GUNSHOT]
What?
Daddy's losing.
Well, be specific.
His hair, his teeth,
the race? What?
And Bundy is fifth.
Hey, Mom, was Dad ever any good?
He talks about it all the time,
but was he ever
really a great athlete?
Well, actually, kids, he
was really something.
I remember one
play in particular.
Everybody thought
Daddy was really boxed in.
So he threw a fake,
broke four tackles,
straight-armed a
guy right in the teeth
and ran for daylight.
It was the best
run I'd ever seen.
He'd still be running if my
uncle hadn't clubbed him
with the butt of his shotgun
and dragged him
back to the wedding.
So, in answer to your question:
Yes, he was a great athlete,
but no, he was never any good.
Forty-seven feet.
Next up, Al Bundy.
Six inches.
Measure it again!
Next up at the pole vault,
Al Bundy makes his jump.
[THUD AND CRASH]
Get up, Al. Get up.
This had better not be
Sadie the brisket woman.
It's not. Sadie
don't have no cat.
Oh, God, I hurt.
Honey. You should
be pretty proud.
After one full day's events,
with men who, in some cases
are twice your age,
you're in 15th place.
Look on the bright side, Daddy.
You are the 15th
best elderly athlete
in the entire Chicago area.
Yeah, Dad, we're all proud
the way you nailed that cat.
I took him out
pretty good, didn't I?
You sure did, killer.
Why don't we cut
the charade, Dad.
You know, we don't ask for much.
Just once, why
don't you dig deep
and show us the
man you really are?
Make us proud, big guy.
Quit.
You'll always have the cat.
Yeah, I guess I can't top that.
All right, I quit.
Can't beat those guys,
anyway, they got the edge on me.
Most of their wives are dead.
You know, Peg, if you loved
me, you'd be dead already too.
Yeah, if.
All right, but understand this:
I was a cinch to win that thing.
We know you were, Dad.
Yeah, Dad, you can do anything.
[LAUGHS]
I made another joke.
Al, you could really use some
encouragement, couldn't you?
Yes, Peg, I could.
Good night, honey.
It didn't always
used to be like this.
MAN: All right, boys. We're
down three touchdowns,
we don't have a
chance, so let's quit.
AL: Quit? [SLAP]
Sorry, coach, but
I'm taking over now.
Okay, you guys, you give me
the ball and get out of my way.
Al Bundy doesn't quit.
Peg, wake up!
Oh, no, Al.
Are you reliving when you
slapped the coach
and took over the team?
Peg, shut up.
Kids, get in here!
I have made a decision.
I am going back to the
competition tomorrow...
and I want you there,
and I want you cheering.
And this time I want
you cheering for me.
Al Bundy is not a quitter.
Now get out.
No, not you.
This used to be
my event too, baby.
Well, kids, he proved
it to me last night,
and I want the
whole world to know:
Your father is a quitter.
Of course, he
thinks he did good.
Probably because I screamed "Al"
when he jabbed his
elbow into my eye.
[CAT SCREECHES]
[CAT SCREECHES
How am I doing?
Oh, honey, I can't believe it.
You're in second place.
Now there's one more
event. The 1500-meter race.
Win that, and you take it all.
Al, we are so proud of you.
You're beating all the old men.
Beating them?
I'm killing them.
Well, it looks
like it's gonna be
a duel between you and me.
It's gonna be rough.
I'm a long-distance
man, but I'm gonna win
this event and take that gold.
Means a lot to me.
So much, I actually considered
competing before I was 65,
just to get an edge.
Pathetic, huh?
But what kind of an example
would that be for the grandkids.
So I trained for a whole year.
And I'm gonna win
it fair and square.
Good luck, honey.
You're gonna need
it against that guy.
Do you think so?
Yeah, sure, he
does a lot of running,
but stamina's my strong point.
Well, no, not with you.
With you, stamina's a bad
thing. It prolongs the agony.
I'm talking about something
that excites a man. Sports.
But you know, winning means
an awful lot to that old guy.
So, what I'm gonna do
is, I'm gonna run the race
until I know I got it won.
Then I'm gonna slow up
and let him win because...
I'd have to be pretty pathetic
to want glory bad enough...
to cheat an old
man out of a victory
he's dreamed of for years.
See you at the
finish line, baby.
Yeah, and if history
has taught us anything,
you'll be asleep by
the time I get there.
Runners in the 1500,
take your marks.
What? What?
Get set.
What? What?
[GUNSHOT]
[♪♪♪]
The hell with him.
That trophy's mine!
It's only cheating,
if you get caught.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]